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One Shots [LAST UPDATED 27/4/13]

By: Bolding on May 28th, 2013 | syntax: None | size: 32.39 KB | hits: 132 | expires: Never

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~X~ SHITTY DAY ~X~
>Day "Why did I agree to a burrito eating contest last night?" in Equestria.
>Your insides begin to churn as you sit inside the kitchen of Sugarcube corner.
>Pinkie had asked you to try all the new treats for Princess Celestia's visit tomorrow.
>You hadn't counted on your bowels causing you to lose focus, though.
>Grabbing your abdomen, you hold down the fire in your anus for a bit longer.
>Pinkie hands you another cupcake, this time with a green and brown frosting mix.
>It swirls like a curly turd.
>That's it, can't take it any more.
>You quickly stand and head for the bathroom, only to be blocked off by Pinkie.
>"Anon, we're not done yet! Where are you going?"
>Your face begin to turn red as you attempt to walk around her with no success.
"Pinkie, give me like fifteen minutes, I really have to go number two right now!"
>She doesn't budge as a giant shit-eating grin takes over her face.
>"I'll let you go on one condition!"
>Instrument begin to play as your heart drops.
"Oh god, not a fucking song."
>Pinkie begins to bounce up and down as she follows the rhythm of the music.
>"Pooping is good, but leaving is rude to your friend,"
>"If you're not careful, a friendship could just end!"
>You try to push her away, with no success.
>"So listen to me and disregard the rants,"
>She puts a hoof to your chest
>"Just let it go and do it inside your pants!"
>Turtleheading now.
>Very little time.
>"Just do it where you want! Do it anywhere!"
>"In the store, on the floor, do it in here!"
>Can't hold it, it's gonna break through!
>You feel it sliding out.
>Dropping to the floor, you assume the fetal position.
>"Pooping anywhere is fine, we do it all the time!"
>She drops a turd on the floor.
>"If you hold it for so long, it should be considered a crime!"
>The music stops.
>A foul aroma fills the air.
>Your pants were stained and soiled.
>Today was a shitty day.
~X~ THREE POINT STANCE ~X~
>Day 238 in Equestria.
>You are Anonymous, and today was a "guys' day out" kind of day.
>You, Soarin, Manerick, and Whiplash of the Wonderbolts decided to go to Donut Joe's place for lunch.
>All of you decide to order a "Donut for four" and take a seat at a table.
>However, you weren't able to sit still.
>To your discomfort, you had agreed to eat some of Applejack's Apple Chili Dentro del Quemador last night, and it wasn't exactly agreeing with you.
>You could feel your insides churning as they fight themselves.
>Sweat began to pour down your face as your rectum burns like a volcano.
>It was a sign that your body was saying, "Yo, you got like 15 seconds to get to a bathroom unless you want new colored pants."
>Practically sprinting, you head for the bathroom as the confused Wonderbolts watch you run.
>Bursting through the bathroom door, you scare off a colt who was washing his hooves.
>You quickly look inside the stall and dread coming in here immediately.
>There was nothing wrong with the toilet, it was actually rather clean and pristine!
>It was your fear that stopped you. The fear of public restroom toilets.
>There was nothing you hated more than siting on a toilet that someone possibly pissed, shitted, or even ejaculated on.
>Putting paper on the seat didn't feel any better.
>Not having the natural feel of the seat made you uncomfortable.
"Maybe I could just hol-"
>Your insides churn once more, so painfully that your abdominal area feels like it just got hit with a brick.
>So holding it was out of the question.
>Suddenly, your brain proposes a 'bright' idea.
>"Why not get into a three point stance and just angle your bottom with the hole?"
>Great idea brain!
>You place your feet parallel with one another and wrap some paper around your hand, which you place on the floor.
>Angling your ass with the seat, you prepare to let the logs slip out.
>What you didn't anticipate was the explosive diarrhea that erupts from your anus.
>A loud, obnoxious spray can be heard from behind you as your rectum burns with the intensity of a thousand suns.
>It felt like it as if you decided it was a good idea to intake hot sauce up your ass and then shit.
>Inside your head, you keep telling yourself "Don'tlookbackdon'tlookbackdon'tlookback".
>But you had to look.
>YOU JUST HAD TO LOOK.
>From on side to the other, the walls and entire toilet were layer in watery, green, putrid shit.
>You look at it in horror and step back, almost falling over from the pants around your ankles.
"This is horrid mess and someone has to clean it... But that person is not me."
>You grab some paper and wipe yourself clean before washing your hands.
>Walking back to your table, you turn to the guys with a look of concern.
"We have to to go."
>A shit-eating grin crawls onto Soarin's face.
>"What did you do in there?"
"Don't worry about it. We just have to go."
>Soarin quickly jumps from the table as the other two look confused.
>"I have to see what happened."
>He trots over to the bathroom and comes back after a minute or so.
>"Dude, what the buck did you do?!" he says, trying his hardest not to laugh.
"Listen, it's not a matter of what I did, it's a matter of we need to get out of here!"
>Soarin sighs and shakes his head.
>"I'd say we do, especially after what I just did."
>Your heart sinks.
"What did you do?"
>He places his hoof behind his head and scratches it.
>"I 'added' to the mess, if you will. I just really had to take a wizz. So I tried to clean the walls."
>Oh. Dear. God.
>Right now, in that bathroom, laid a pool of shit and piss on the floor.
"We need to get the fuck out now."
>Everyone shakes their heads in agreement and begins to head out.
>Lady Luck must be out to get you today, because as you all headed out, a stallion made his way towards the bathroom.
>You push the three out the door, not before hearing something that raised the hairs on the back of your neck.
>"WHAT THE BUCK HAPPENED IN HERE?!"
>Needless to say, the three of you will never dine in Donut Joe's for the rest of your lives.
~X~ 55 GALLONS OF DREAMS ~X~
>You are Anonymous, and today was a calm, collective day.
>The sun was shining, the open window let a cool breeze in, and the temperature was just right.
>With a nice book to read and a cup of tea to sip on, nothing could make this day any better.
>A hard knock emits from the door, disrupting your reading.
>Who would come to bother you at such a time?
>As you open the door, your eyes open wide with excitement.
>It was here! It was finally here!
>The 55-Gallon drum of water-based lubricant has finally arrived!
>You had ordered it about three months ago, but you didn't expect them to get here so early.
>Grabbing the drum, you attempt to roll it into your home... with no success.
>The drum was too damn heavy to even budge.
>How the fuck did they get it to your house?
>Fuck it, no time for questions. It was only time to carry out your dreams.
>Running inside the house, you grab a bucket and quickly return to the canister of grinding juice.
>In swift, fluid motions, you begin to empty out some of the love making brew out to lighten the load.
>The liquid begins to flow out into roads at the bottom your hill, covering the horrified ponies hooves as they walk by.
>After about a hundred buckets or so of dumping, the canister was now light enough to tip over and roll.
>Carefully, you place the barrel inside your home.
"Step one is complete. Now onto step two."
>Putting on the homemade ghillie suit you pieced together using nothing but green streamers and crusty frosting from Pinkie's last party, you head off to Fluttershy's cottage.
>You proceed to Solid Snake your way towards the pond when Fluttershy comes out of her cottage.
>She's takes quick notice of you as you attempt to mimic a bush.
>Slowly hovering in front of you, she gives you a look of concern.
>"Um... Anon? What are you doing?"
>You quickly grab her by the hoof and begin running towards the pond.
"THE MISSION HAS BEEN COMPROMISED!"
>She lets out shrieks of terror as you carry her along.
>Diving into pond, you let go of Fluttershy.
>You grab two turtles, jump out of the pond and sprint off with them overhead as a confused Fluttershy watches in horror.
>Back at your humble abode, you prepare several lines of twine and begin to strip naked as you place two hot pockets in the toaster oven.
>Unable to contain your excitement, you begin to bathe the turtles in the lubricant as they hide in their shells.
>You then proceed to dump buckets of the sweet love making nectar across your naked body.
>After a difficult game of "hold the damn turtle in your hand without dropping it like a bar of soap in the tub", you place the two turtles in a bucket.
>Opening the door was no easy task, and after many attempts you ended up grabbing a pair of oven mitts to turn the cursed knob.
>Running down to the road below, junk flailing in the wind, you begin to tie the two turtles onto your feet as the mares cover their children's eyes.
>IT WAS TIME.
>Time to fulfill your dreams of becoming a nudist figure skater!
>Wistfully sliding through the streets, you make your way for the town square.
>Ponies scream in horror which you mistake for cheers.
>Pulling off spins and turns, you quickly gain the attention of the guards as ponies scream for help.
>Public exposure was frowned upon heavily in Ponyville and they would not let this happen.
>A guard attempts to wrap his forelegs around you, but quickly slips off and bangs his head on the ground, rendering him unconscious.
"I will give hugs and autographs after the show, sir!"
>A few more guards try to pull this off, only to fail.
>After a few more tricks, you stop and bow to everyone before skating back home, leaving the pile of guards on the ground.
>Then realization hits you. You can't believe what you did.
>YOU LEFT YOUR HOT POCKETS IN THE TOASTER OVEN.
>With the speed of Kenyans, you slip and slide your way home.
"NO TIME FOR KNOBS!" you bellow as you bash the door down, causing it to explode into millions of splinters all across the room and yourself.
>But there was no time for worrying about wounds. Hopefully you're not too late!
>Opening the toaster oven, you look around for your oven mitts.
>After a bit of searching through the debris from the broken door, you find them in the corner.
>Reaching into the oven, you slide out the portable pizzas.
>It was too late. They were burnt to a crisp.
>Letting out a screech of torment, you weep for your fallen lunch.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
>Today was a day of dreams and fallen brethren.
~X~ SCOOTER ~X~
>You would pass by the schoolyard everyday on your way to the market and the same thing was always going on.
>A little filly would be sitting under the shade of a tree, watching the others play.
>She has an orange coat and a purple mane. Her color scheme looked like a PB&J sandwich.
>Each day you would pass by and notice her sitting there.
>She looked like a sad puppy. One look into her eyes could shatter your heart into pieces.
>This went on for weeks, each passing day causing you more grief.
>It was unbearable to see this.
>One sunny day, you stand beside her and kneel down to her level.
"Hey."
>She looks up at you, her face unchanged, not saying a word.
"What's your name?"
>Looking down at the ground, she begins to draw circles into the dirt with her hoof.
"You don't talk much, do you?"
>She lays her head down on the ground and totally disregards your existence.
"Why aren't you over there playing with the other fillies and colts?"
>You point towards the groups of laughing children.
>She turns her head away and stares at the tree's root.
>This is a lost cause, at least for now.
"Well, I can see you're a busy pony, so I'll let you be."
>Slowly, you begin to walk away.
>A small voice stops you in your tracks.
>"Wait a sec!"
>You turn around to see the filly looking at you with the saddest expression in her eyes.
>Crossing your legs, you take a seat next to her.
>"My name is Scootaloo. What's yours?"
"Anonymous, but you can just call me Anon for short," you say, cracking a smile.
>She looks up and smiles for the first time.
>You can feel your heart tug from the adorableness.
>God, did it hurt.
"How come you're not playing with the others?" you ask, pointing at the schoolyard again.
>Her smile fades, making you want to punch yourself in face for making such a stupid mistake.
>She lets out a disheartening sigh that could break down the toughest of men.
>"The others don't want to play with me because I'm broken."
>Broken?
"What do you mean 'broken'?"
>Tears start to swell in her eyes.
>Oh shit, look what you did!
>"I... can't... f-fly like the others."
>She begins to baww as the other small pony begin to take notice.
>You place your hand on her head and ruffle her mane a bit.
>She stops for a moment and looks at you, tears still flowing.
"Listen, just because you're different doesn't make you a freak or anything. Just look at me."
>You stand up, leaning up against the tree to demonstrate your height.
"I'm different and that doesn't stop me from hanging out with the ponies."
>She just looks down at the ground, still sobbing.
>"What good am I if I can't even fly? I'm just a sorry excuse for a pegasus."
>You lean down and rub your chin.
"Ah! I got an idea!"
>Quickly, you sprint off to your house, leaving the poor filly confused
>Grabbing the big duffel bag inside your closet, you head back to the lonely filly.
>She watches as you dig into the bag and pull out...
"A scooter!"
>She looks at it in awe, like a child who just received a gift.
>Which, in this case, was what was happening.
>You pull out the helmet and slap it on her head, making sure it was securely strapped on.
"I used to ride this thing when I was small. I did all kinds of tricks and stuff. You can pretty much fly with this thing!"
>Her eyes widen with excitement as she jumps into your arms, giving you a tight hug.
>"Thanks so much Anon! Hey, can you teach me how to do some tricks?"
>You give her a nod and head out to the street.
>Over the next few days, you teach her how to do some simple tricks.
>She eventually developed a way to use her wings to propel her faster.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>A few weeks later, as you pass the schoolyard, something new catches your eyes.
>A couple of the other children are playing with Scootaloo.
>Her smile could melt an iceberg.
>She takes notice of your presence and gives you a wave.
>Waving back, you begin to head towards the market.
>It was best not to bother her and instead let her enjoy the company of her new friends.
>Maybe it was time you followed her example and found some friends of your own.
~X~ HOMESICK ~X~
>It’s still dark. The sun set a long time ago.
>Your futile attempts at sleep leave you nothing but frustrated.
>You can’t help it, this feeling has been tugging at your heart for the past few days.
>Taking a quick glance, you look at the clock.
>4:30 am
>Throwing the blankets off, you leave the warmth of your bed.
>You walk over to the wardrobe and grab your coat and shoes.
>Maybe a walk will help you feel better.
>As you open the door, a rush of cool air beats against your face.
>If anything, this was your favorite time of year.
>Autumn wasn’t too cold or too hot; it was just right.
>You try your best to ignore it as you close the door and begin walking down the path.
>The only sounds that can be heard are the wind rustling the leaves of the nearby trees and bushes and your footsteps.
>Not a single creature was stirring at this time.
>These walks were becoming a regular thing now.
>That and the whole two hours of sleep you got in a day didn’t help break this habit.
>Coming to the small pond, you take a seat on the ground and look at the sky’s reflection in the lake.
>The stars shine brightly alongside the moon, lighting up the dark surrounding.
>You look down and see a sad man, unshaven and tired, staring back at you.
>A new reflection is added shortly after; a quiet, yellow pegasus.
>She takes a seat next him and looks into her own reflection.
>After a few minutes, he finally speaks up.
“Hey Fluttershy.”
>“Hi Anonymous,” she whispers back, not taking her eyes off her reflection.
>An awkward silence fills the air as they both continue staring into the liquid.
“What are you up at this hour?” you finally ask, trying to break the awkwardness.
>She breaks off the stare from her reflection and looks to the ground.
>“I was just helping out one of my nocturnal friends out. A little bat injured his wing and needed some medical attention. I came here on the way back home and noticed you sitting here all alone. I thought you could do with some company.”
>You give off a snort and lay yourself down on the soft grass, staring up at the beautiful night sky.
“I’ve been coming here almost everyday it seems. I usually do when I need to think.”
>She begins to rub her hoof into the ground before turning to you.
>“Has something been bothering you?”
>You let out a small sigh and place your hands on the back of your head.
“I’ve been in this world for almost three years now. Don’t get me wrong, I love it here. Clean air, good company, everything I always wished for. But, lately, I’ve felt... empty. I miss my home, my family, my friends... hell, I even miss my neighbor and I hated that guy.”
>She gives a soft giggle and looks back at the reflection.
>“I know how you feel. Ever since I discovered my cutie mark, I’ve been living in Ponyville. I sometimes wish I could go back home and see my family.”
“What’s stopping you? You can fly and I’m pretty sure Cloudsdale isn’t an impossible trip.”
>She looks back down at the ground, tears filling her eyes.
>“My father abandoned us after I was born and my mother had been sick for a very long time. She had my aunt and uncle take care of me since she was unable to do so. A few days after I settled here, I got a letter from them saying she had finally passed away.”
>Small sobs begin to escape her as she tries to hold them in.
>You sit up and scoot over to her, placing your arms around her.
>Her sobs begin to violent emit as you hold her tight.
>“I’ve always taken care of the animals since then, sheltering them when they can’t find a home and healing them when hurt. Everyday I try my hardest to help them. I see my mother every time I look into their hurt little eyes.”
>She buries her face into your chest, weeping like mad.
>And you thought you had it bad.
>You pet her head, trying to calm her down.
>After a little while, her crying dies down and she speaks again.
>“I’m so sorry Anonymous. I didn’t mean to interrupt you with my problems.”
>Tightening your grip, you don’t let her go.
“Listen, if anything, you’ve made me feel a little bit better.”
>She looks up at you with a puzzled look on her face.
“I know now that I’m not alone. There’s a least one pers- I mean pony that knows how I feel.”
>Tears begin to flow from your eyes as you smile at her.
>She smiles back places her head against your chest again as the sun slowly rises.
>Today was the start of a friendship that no one would ever understand.
~X~ BOREDGAMES ~X~
>“It’s called chess!” Twilight exclaims, holding the box up for you to see.
>Grabbing the box from her magical grip, you examine it.
“What the hell is chess?”
>“Chess is an old game, played back in the times of when we had a feudal system. It dates bac-”
>You raise your hand, interrupting her.
“I didn’t ask for a history lesson.” You look down at the board. “How do you play?”
>Her eyes shine in excitement from finally finding someone willing to play with her.
>Using her magic, she opens the box and arranges the board and pieces.
>You pick up some of the piece and exam them.
“How do you work this shit?”
>Twilight gives him a disgruntled sigh and place a hoof on her forehead.
>“Please, watch your language Anon. The object of the game is simple: You use the pieces provided to capture or corner the opponent's king.”
>She points at the tall piece with a cross on it.
“Okay, what the hell do I do with the rest of these pieces?”
>Twilight begins to explain what all the pieces do, showing you their moving patterns and purposes.
>After the short explanation, she grabs her pawn and begins, only to be interrupted by you again.
“Oi! Hold up! Why do you get to go first?”
>She stops and looks down at the board, then back to you.
>“Because I’m white.”
>Your face instantly goes from annoyed to pissed.
“What kind of racist shit is that? I can’t go first because I’m black? That’s some Goddamn bullshit!”
>Twilight shakes her head, completely vexed.
>“That’s the rules! I didn’t make them!”
>You cross your arms and give her a pout.
“Well, I’m not playing until I can move first.”
>Her cheeks begin to turn red from anger as she rotates the board, making sure that the white pieces are on your side now.
>You glare at her and move one of your pawns forward.
>The game goes on for about fifteen minutes, ending with Twilight being the victor.
>You slam your hands down on the table, making Twilight jump.
“I demand a rematch.”
>Twilight nods and you both begin a new game, only to have the same end.
“This game is so unbalance! This is the worst turn based game I’ve ever played!”
>She looks at you, completely confused.
“It’s way too fucking complicated! There’s all kinds of stupid, gay ass strategies and all kind dumb shit you have to learn to be good at it. It has a worse learning curve than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde for the NES!”
>“Dr. what and mister who for the what-”
“And the modeling on these characters is retarded!”
>You lift up the small horse figure and shove it in her face.
“You know what this is? A horse, right? No, it’s a knight! I thought a knight was supposed to be the guy on the horse. But no, no! The horse itself is a high ranking member of the feudal system.”
>Grabbing the queen, you slam it down on the board.
“Oh, and what a surprise! The only female character, the queen, is a fucking Mary Sue! You can move in any direction, at any distance, and do whatever you want. God, I fucking hate women.”
>Twilight’s eyes begin to fill with tears, unable to comprehend what is going on.
“Chess? More like chess... chiss... shiss... shit. More like shit!”
>You take the table and flip it over, leaving a very confused Twilight behind.
>As you open the door to make your exit, you turn to her with one last remark.
“Play League of Legends, you scrub!”
~X~ ONE STAR REVIEW ~X~
>It was another slow day of gardening.
>Digging the small trowel into the soft Equestrian soil, you continue shoveling at the ground to plant your money tree.
>If the shit worked in Animal Crossing, why not here?
>Deeper and deeper you dig, making sure there is plenty of room for the tree to grow.
>Looking around, you slap yourself for your ignorance.
>You forgot the bag of bits inside your house.
>Dropping the trowel, you head towards the house when a strange burning spreads across your legs.
>Lifting your pant legs up, you look in horror as a few dozen fire ants crawl about your legs.
>Swatting them off, you step on the few survivors out of spite before going inside.
“Fucking ants! I swear, when I become supreme overlord of the world, anything with more than four legs will be executed!”
>Heading upstairs, you turn on the cold shower and run your legs under it.
>Dear God did it feel good!
>A sudden knocking at your front door breaks your peaceful little moment.
“Who is it?” you scream from the bathroom.
>... No response.
>Shutting the water off, you curse under your breath as you make your way down the stairs.
>Winging the door open with a mighty force, you look outside and see no one.
“I swear on the holy shit of Je- Oh!”
>You look down and see a small glowing package labeled ‘To: Anon | From: Amahooves.colt’.
>ITS WAS HERE!
>Grabbing the package, you head back into the your home and slam the door behind you.
>Ripping open the box, you remove its contents.
>The Uranium ore sample you ordered a week ago was finally here!
>Taking the package, you place inside your cabinet.
>Your plan was now going perfectly.
>But to carry out this plan, you had to be sneakier than Sam Fisher himself.
>Reaching into your closet, you grab your trusty rock outfit that you made out of styrofoam and plastic Prof. Pony bottles.
>Sprinting out of your house like a retarded cheetah, you head over to none other than Fluttershy’s house.
>Slowly, you waddle your way toward the pond in hopes of not being spotted.
>As you approach it, Fluttershy exits her home, staring directly at you with a worried look on her face.
>“Um, Anon? Why are you dressed up like a different human?”
>You rip off the disguise and look at it again.
>Dammit! You grabbed the wrong rock outfit!
>This was your Dwyane “The Rock” Johnson outfit!
>Wait a second... You just took off your disguise.
>SHIT.
>Grabbing the disguise, you throw it at her screaming at the top of your lungs:
“CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING?!”
>Fluttershy screams as the giant wrestling figure collides with her.
>You quickly jump into the pond and grab four terrapins.
>As you jump out, you sprint towards Fluttershy’s house.
“PEOPLE’S ELBOW!” you bellow as you slam into her door.
>You needed a rhino and warthog for this plan to be complete.
>Looking around, you can’t seem to find them anywhere.
>A small rat runs up to you, shaking it’s little fist in the air for the intrusion.
“You’ll just have to do,” you whisper, grabbing it by the tail.
>Making your way out, you begin running for home, but not before screaming out at a completely dazed and confused Fluttershy,
“IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO YOU ARE!”
>As you approach your humble abode, you open the door and quickly shut it behind you.
>IT WAS TIME.
>There was no time for flukes or gimmicks now.
>Taking the animals in hand, you place them inside of a plastic tubberware container and reach into cabinet for your Uranium.
>Using a pestle and mortar, you crush the chuck of ore into a fine powder before placing it into a bowl of water.
>Carefully mixing it, you lay the complete concoction down on your coffee table and move your living room furniture around.
>Grabbing a tarp from the closet, you lay it down across the floor and pour the mixture onto it.
>FINALLY.
>Reaching for the tubberware container, you dump the confused creature and jump onto the tarp.
____________________________________
>Three days and a few hefty fines later, you begin to write your letter to the Amahooves.colt reviewers federation.
“Do not be fooled by this product. I bought this along with four terrapins and a rat (since I couldn’t lay my hands on a warthog and a rhino). I rubbed this product into my skin and gums then rolled around with the terrapins and the rat. Long story short I did NOT end up with my own crime-fighting mutant superhero team. The rat bit me and I crushed the terrapins. Also I now have a strange rash and I’m coughing up blood, what’s up with that? I give it one star out of five.”
>Letting out a disgruntled sigh, you seal the letter and place it in your mailbox.
>You had also learned that day that Uranium did not make a good ant killer.
>It just made them bigger.
>The good thing about their growth, however, was that it made them slower, giving you enough time to beat them to death with your shovel.
>But, alas, the garbage ponies refused to take the carcasses along with your weekly refuse.
>This week was just disappointing.
~X~ BLUEBALLED ~X~
>It was another slow day of gardening.
>Digging the small trowel into the soft Equestrian soil, you continue shoveling at the ground to plant your money tree.
>If the shit worked in Animal Crossing, why not here?
>Deeper and deeper you dig, making sure there is plenty of room for the tree to grow.
>Looking around, you slap yourself for your ignorance.
>You forgot the bag of bits inside your house.
>Dropping the trowel, you head towards the house when a strange burning spreads across your legs.
>Lifting your pant legs up, you look in horror as a few dozen fire ants crawl about your legs.
>Swatting them off, you step on the few survivors out of spite before going inside.
“Fucking ants! I swear, when I become supreme overlord of the world, anything with more than four legs will be executed!”
>Heading upstairs, you turn on the cold shower and run your legs under it.
>Dear God did it feel good!
>A sudden knocking at your front door breaks your peaceful little moment.
“Who is it?” you scream from the bathroom.
>... No response.
>Shutting the water off, you curse under your breath as you make your way down the stairs.
>Winging the door open with a mighty force, you look outside and see no one.
“I swear on the holy shit of Je- Oh!”
>You look down and see a small glowing package labeled ‘To: Anon | From: Amahooves.colt’.
>ITS WAS HERE!
>Grabbing the package, you head back into the your home and slam the door behind you.
>Ripping open the box, you remove its contents.
>The Uranium ore sample you ordered a week ago was finally here!
>Taking the package, you place inside your cabinet.
>Your plan was now going perfectly.
>But to carry out this plan, you had to be sneakier than Sam Fisher himself.
>Reaching into your closet, you grab your trusty rock outfit that you made out of styrofoam and plastic Prof. Pony bottles.
>Sprinting out of your house like a retarded cheetah, you head over to none other than Fluttershy’s house.
>Slowly, you waddle your way toward the pond in hopes of not being spotted.
>As you approach it, Fluttershy exits her home, staring directly at you with a worried look on her face.
>“Um, Anon? Why are you dressed up like a different human?”
>You rip off the disguise and look at it again.
>Dammit! You grabbed the wrong rock outfit!
>This was your Dwyane “The Rock” Johnson outfit!
>Wait a second... You just took off your disguise.
>SHIT.
>Grabbing the disguise, you throw it at her screaming at the top of your lungs:
“CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING?!”
>Fluttershy screams as the giant wrestling figure collides with her.
>You quickly jump into the pond and grab four terrapins.
>As you jump out, you sprint towards Fluttershy’s house.
“PEOPLE’S ELBOW!” you bellow as you slam into her door.
>You needed a rhino and warthog for this plan to be complete.
>Looking around, you can’t seem to find them anywhere.
>A small rat runs up to you, shaking it’s little fist in the air for the intrusion.
“You’ll just have to do,” you whisper, grabbing it by the tail.
>Making your way out, you begin running for home, but not before screaming out at a completely dazed and confused Fluttershy,
“IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO YOU ARE!”
>As you approach your humble abode, you open the door and quickly shut it behind you.
>IT WAS TIME.
>There was no time for flukes or gimmicks now.
>Taking the animals in hand, you place them inside of a plastic tubberware container and reach into cabinet for your Uranium.
>Using a pestle and mortar, you crush the chuck of ore into a fine powder before placing it into a bowl of water.
>Carefully mixing it, you lay the complete concoction down on your coffee table and move your living room furniture around.
>Grabbing a tarp from the closet, you lay it down across the floor and pour the mixture onto it.
>FINALLY.
>Reaching for the tubberware container, you dump the confused creature and jump onto the tarp.
____________________________________
>Three days and a few hefty fines later, you begin to write your letter to the Amahooves.colt reviewers federation.
“Do not be fooled by this product. I bought this along with four terrapins and a rat (since I couldn’t lay my hands on a warthog and a rhino). I rubbed this product into my skin and gums then rolled around with the terrapins and the rat. Long story short I did NOT end up with my own crime-fighting mutant superhero team. The rat bit me and I crushed the terrapins. Also I now have a strange rash and I’m coughing up blood, what’s up with that? I give it one star out of five.”
>Letting out a disgruntled sigh, you seal the letter and place it in your mailbox.
>You had also learned that day that Uranium did not make a good ant killer.
>It just made them bigger.
>The good thing about their growth, however, was that it made them slower, giving you enough time to beat them to death with your shovel.
>But, alas, the garbage ponies refused to take the carcasses along with your weekly refuse.
>This week was just disappointing.

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~X~ SHITTY DAY ~X~

>Day "Why did I agree to a burrito eating contest last night?" in Equestria.
>Your insides begin to churn as you sit inside the kitchen of Sugarcube corner.
>Pinkie had asked you to try all the new treats for Princess Celestia's visit tomorrow.
>You hadn't counted on your bowels causing you to lose focus, though.
>Grabbing your abdomen, you hold down the fire in your anus for a bit longer.
>Pinkie hands you another cupcake, this time with a green and brown frosting mix.
>It swirls like a curly turd.
>That's it, can't take it any more.
>You quickly stand and head for the bathroom, only to be blocked off by Pinkie.
>"Anon, we're not done yet! Where are you going?"
>Your face begin to turn red as you attempt to walk around her with no success.
"Pinkie, give me like fifteen minutes, I really have to go number two right now!"
>She doesn't budge as a giant shit-eating grin takes over her face.
>"I'll let you go on one condition!"
>Instrument begin to play as your heart drops.
"Oh god, not a fucking song."
>Pinkie begins to bounce up and down as she follows the rhythm of the music.
>"Pooping is good, but leaving is rude to your friend,"
>"If you're not careful, a friendship could just end!"
>You try to push her away, with no success.
>"So listen to me and disregard the rants,"
>She puts a hoof to your chest
>"Just let it go and do it inside your pants!"
>Turtleheading now.
>Very little time.
>"Just do it where you want! Do it anywhere!"
>"In the store, on the floor, do it in here!"
>Can't hold it, it's gonna break through!
>You feel it sliding out.
>Dropping to the floor, you assume the fetal position.
>"Pooping anywhere is fine, we do it all the time!"
>She drops a turd on the floor.
>"If you hold it for so long, it should be considered a crime!"
>The music stops.
>A foul aroma fills the air.
>Your pants were stained and soiled.
>Today was a shitty day.




~X~ THREE POINT STANCE ~X~

>Day 238 in Equestria.
>You are Anonymous, and today was a "guys' day out" kind of day.
>You, Soarin, Manerick, and Whiplash of the Wonderbolts decided to go to Donut Joe's place for lunch.
>All of you decide to order a "Donut for four" and take a seat at a table.
>However, you weren't able to sit still.
>To your discomfort, you had agreed to eat some of Applejack's Apple Chili Dentro del Quemador last night, and it wasn't exactly agreeing with you.
>You could feel your insides churning as they fight themselves.
>Sweat began to pour down your face as your rectum burns like a volcano.
>It was a sign that your body was saying, "Yo, you got like 15 seconds to get to a bathroom unless you want new colored pants."
>Practically sprinting, you head for the bathroom as the confused Wonderbolts watch you run.
>Bursting through the bathroom door, you scare off a colt who was washing his hooves.
>You quickly look inside the stall and dread coming in here immediately.
>There was nothing wrong with the toilet, it was actually rather clean and pristine!
>It was your fear that stopped you. The fear of public restroom toilets.
>There was nothing you hated more than siting on a toilet that someone possibly pissed, shitted, or even ejaculated on.
>Putting paper on the seat didn't feel any better.
>Not having the natural feel of the seat made you uncomfortable.
"Maybe I could just hol-"
>Your insides churn once more, so painfully that your abdominal area feels like it just got hit with a brick.
>So holding it was out of the question.
>Suddenly, your brain proposes a 'bright' idea.
>"Why not get into a three point stance and just angle your bottom with the hole?"
>Great idea brain!
>You place your feet parallel with one another and wrap some paper around your hand, which you place on the floor.
>Angling your ass with the seat, you prepare to let the logs slip out.
>What you didn't anticipate was the explosive diarrhea that erupts from your anus.
>A loud, obnoxious spray can be heard from behind you as your rectum burns with the intensity of a thousand suns.
>It felt like it as if you decided it was a good idea to intake hot sauce up your ass and then shit.
>Inside your head, you keep telling yourself "Don'tlookbackdon'tlookbackdon'tlookback".
>But you had to look.
>YOU JUST HAD TO LOOK.
>From on side to the other, the walls and entire toilet were layer in watery, green, putrid shit.
>You look at it in horror and step back, almost falling over from the pants around your ankles.
"This is horrid mess and someone has to clean it... But that person is not me."
>You grab some paper and wipe yourself clean before washing your hands.
>Walking back to your table, you turn to the guys with a look of concern.
"We have to to go."
>A shit-eating grin crawls onto Soarin's face.
>"What did you do in there?"
"Don't worry about it. We just have to go."
>Soarin quickly jumps from the table as the other two look confused.
>"I have to see what happened."
>He trots over to the bathroom and comes back after a minute or so.
>"Dude, what the buck did you do?!" he says, trying his hardest not to laugh.
"Listen, it's not a matter of what I did, it's a matter of we need to get out of here!"
>Soarin sighs and shakes his head.
>"I'd say we do, especially after what I just did."
>Your heart sinks.
"What did you do?"
>He places his hoof behind his head and scratches it.
>"I 'added' to the mess, if you will. I just really had to take a wizz. So I tried to clean the walls."
>Oh. Dear. God.
>Right now, in that bathroom, laid a pool of shit and piss on the floor.
"We need to get the fuck out now."
>Everyone shakes their heads in agreement and begins to head out.
>Lady Luck must be out to get you today, because as you all headed out, a stallion made his way towards the bathroom.
>You push the three out the door, not before hearing something that raised the hairs on the back of your neck.
>"WHAT THE BUCK HAPPENED IN HERE?!"
>Needless to say, the three of you will never dine in Donut Joe's for the rest of your lives.




~X~ 55 GALLONS OF DREAMS ~X~

>You are Anonymous, and today was a calm, collective day.
>The sun was shining, the open window let a cool breeze in, and the temperature was just right.
>With a nice book to read and a cup of tea to sip on, nothing could make this day any better.
>A hard knock emits from the door, disrupting your reading.
>Who would come to bother you at such a time?
>As you open the door, your eyes open wide with excitement.
>It was here! It was finally here!
>The 55-Gallon drum of water-based lubricant has finally arrived!
>You had ordered it about three months ago, but you didn't expect them to get here so early.
>Grabbing the drum, you attempt to roll it into your home... with no success.
>The drum was too damn heavy to even budge.
>How the fuck did they get it to your house?
>Fuck it, no time for questions. It was only time to carry out your dreams.
>Running inside the house, you grab a bucket and quickly return to the canister of grinding juice.
>In swift, fluid motions, you begin to empty out some of the love making brew out to lighten the load.
>The liquid begins to flow out into roads at the bottom your hill, covering the horrified ponies hooves as they walk by.
>After about a hundred buckets or so of dumping, the canister was now light enough to tip over and roll.
>Carefully, you place the barrel inside your home.
"Step one is complete. Now onto step two."
>Putting on the homemade ghillie suit you pieced together using nothing but green streamers and crusty frosting from Pinkie's last party, you head off to Fluttershy's cottage.
>You proceed to Solid Snake your way towards the pond when Fluttershy comes out of her cottage.
>She's takes quick notice of you as you attempt to mimic a bush.
>Slowly hovering in front of you, she gives you a look of concern.
>"Um... Anon? What are you doing?"
>You quickly grab her by the hoof and begin running towards the pond.
"THE MISSION HAS BEEN COMPROMISED!"
>She lets out shrieks of terror as you carry her along.
>Diving into pond, you let go of Fluttershy.
>You grab two turtles, jump out of the pond and sprint off with them overhead as a confused Fluttershy watches in horror.
>Back at your humble abode, you prepare several lines of twine and begin to strip naked as you place two hot pockets in the toaster oven.
>Unable to contain your excitement, you begin to bathe the turtles in the lubricant as they hide in their shells.
>You then proceed to dump buckets of the sweet love making nectar across your naked body.
>After a difficult game of "hold the damn turtle in your hand without dropping it like a bar of soap in the tub", you place the two turtles in a bucket.
>Opening the door was no easy task, and after many attempts you ended up grabbing a pair of oven mitts to turn the cursed knob.
>Running down to the road below, junk flailing in the wind, you begin to tie the two turtles onto your feet as the mares cover their children's eyes.
>IT WAS TIME.
>Time to fulfill your dreams of becoming a nudist figure skater!
>Wistfully sliding through the streets, you make your way for the town square.
>Ponies scream in horror which you mistake for cheers.
>Pulling off spins and turns, you quickly gain the attention of the guards as ponies scream for help.
>Public exposure was frowned upon heavily in Ponyville and they would not let this happen.
>A guard attempts to wrap his forelegs around you, but quickly slips off and bangs his head on the ground, rendering him unconscious.
"I will give hugs and autographs after the show, sir!"
>A few more guards try to pull this off, only to fail.
>After a few more tricks, you stop and bow to everyone before skating back home, leaving the pile of guards on the ground.
>Then realization hits you. You can't believe what you did.
>YOU LEFT YOUR HOT POCKETS IN THE TOASTER OVEN.
>With the speed of Kenyans, you slip and slide your way home.
"NO TIME FOR KNOBS!" you bellow as you bash the door down, causing it to explode into millions of splinters all across the room and yourself.
>But there was no time for worrying about wounds. Hopefully you're not too late!
>Opening the toaster oven, you look around for your oven mitts.
>After a bit of searching through the debris from the broken door, you find them in the corner.
>Reaching into the oven, you slide out the portable pizzas.
>It was too late. They were burnt to a crisp.
>Letting out a screech of torment, you weep for your fallen lunch.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
>Today was a day of dreams and fallen brethren.




~X~ SCOOTER ~X~

>You would pass by the schoolyard everyday on your way to the market and the same thing was always going on.
>A little filly would be sitting under the shade of a tree, watching the others play.
>She has an orange coat and a purple mane. Her color scheme looked like a PB&J sandwich.
>Each day you would pass by and notice her sitting there.
>She looked like a sad puppy. One look into her eyes could shatter your heart into pieces.
>This went on for weeks, each passing day causing you more grief.
>It was unbearable to see this.
>One sunny day, you stand beside her and kneel down to her level.
"Hey."
>She looks up at you, her face unchanged, not saying a word.
"What's your name?"
>Looking down at the ground, she begins to draw circles into the dirt with her hoof.
"You don't talk much, do you?"
>She lays her head down on the ground and totally disregards your existence.
"Why aren't you over there playing with the other fillies and colts?"
>You point towards the groups of laughing children.
>She turns her head away and stares at the tree's root.
>This is a lost cause, at least for now.
"Well, I can see you're a busy pony, so I'll let you be."
>Slowly, you begin to walk away.
>A small voice stops you in your tracks.
>"Wait a sec!"
>You turn around to see the filly looking at you with the saddest expression in her eyes.
>Crossing your legs, you take a seat next to her.
>"My name is Scootaloo. What's yours?"
"Anonymous, but you can just call me Anon for short," you say, cracking a smile.
>She looks up and smiles for the first time.
>You can feel your heart tug from the adorableness.
>God, did it hurt.
"How come you're not playing with the others?" you ask, pointing at the schoolyard again.
>Her smile fades, making you want to punch yourself in face for making such a stupid mistake.
>She lets out a disheartening sigh that could break down the toughest of men.
>"The others don't want to play with me because I'm broken."
>Broken?
"What do you mean 'broken'?"
>Tears start to swell in her eyes.
>Oh shit, look what you did!
>"I... can't... f-fly like the others."
>She begins to baww as the other small pony begin to take notice.
>You place your hand on her head and ruffle her mane a bit.
>She stops for a moment and looks at you, tears still flowing.
"Listen, just because you're different doesn't make you a freak or anything. Just look at me."
>You stand up, leaning up against the tree to demonstrate your height.
"I'm different and that doesn't stop me from hanging out with the ponies."
>She just looks down at the ground, still sobbing.
>"What good am I if I can't even fly? I'm just a sorry excuse for a pegasus."
>You lean down and rub your chin.
"Ah! I got an idea!"
>Quickly, you sprint off to your house, leaving the poor filly confused
>Grabbing the big duffel bag inside your closet, you head back to the lonely filly.
>She watches as you dig into the bag and pull out...
"A scooter!"
>She looks at it in awe, like a child who just received a gift.
>Which, in this case, was what was happening.
>You pull out the helmet and slap it on her head, making sure it was securely strapped on.
"I used to ride this thing when I was small. I did all kinds of tricks and stuff. You can pretty much fly with this thing!"
>Her eyes widen with excitement as she jumps into your arms, giving you a tight hug.
>"Thanks so much Anon! Hey, can you teach me how to do some tricks?"
>You give her a nod and head out to the street.
>Over the next few days, you teach her how to do some simple tricks.
>She eventually developed a way to use her wings to propel her faster.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>A few weeks later, as you pass the schoolyard, something new catches your eyes.
>A couple of the other children are playing with Scootaloo.
>Her smile could melt an iceberg.
>She takes notice of your presence and gives you a wave.
>Waving back, you begin to head towards the market.
>It was best not to bother her and instead let her enjoy the company of her new friends.
>Maybe it was time you followed her example and found some friends of your own.




~X~ HOMESICK ~X~

>It’s still dark. The sun set a long time ago.
>Your futile attempts at sleep leave you nothing but frustrated.
>You can’t help it, this feeling has been tugging at your heart for the past few days.
>Taking a quick glance, you look at the clock.
>4:30 am
>Throwing the blankets off, you leave the warmth of your bed.
>You walk over to the wardrobe and grab your coat and shoes.
>Maybe a walk will help you feel better.
>As you open the door, a rush of cool air beats against your face.
>If anything, this was your favorite time of year.
>Autumn wasn’t too cold or too hot; it was just right.
>You try your best to ignore it as you close the door and begin walking down the path.
>The only sounds that can be heard are the wind rustling the leaves of the nearby trees and bushes and your footsteps.
>Not a single creature was stirring at this time.
>These walks were becoming a regular thing now.
>That and the whole two hours of sleep you got in a day didn’t help break this habit.
>Coming to the small pond, you take a seat on the ground and look at the sky’s reflection in the lake.
>The stars shine brightly alongside the moon, lighting up the dark surrounding.
>You look down and see a sad man, unshaven and tired, staring back at you.
>A new reflection is added shortly after; a quiet, yellow pegasus.
>She takes a seat next him and looks into her own reflection.
>After a few minutes, he finally speaks up.
“Hey Fluttershy.”
>“Hi Anonymous,” she whispers back, not taking her eyes off her reflection.
>An awkward silence fills the air as they both continue staring into the liquid.
“What are you up at this hour?” you finally ask, trying to break the awkwardness.
>She breaks off the stare from her reflection and looks to the ground.
>“I was just helping out one of my nocturnal friends out. A little bat injured his wing and needed some medical attention. I came here on the way back home and noticed you sitting here all alone. I thought you could do with some company.”
>You give off a snort and lay yourself down on the soft grass, staring up at the beautiful night sky.
“I’ve been coming here almost everyday it seems. I usually do when I need to think.”
>She begins to rub her hoof into the ground before turning to you.
>“Has something been bothering you?”
>You let out a small sigh and place your hands on the back of your head.
“I’ve been in this world for almost three years now. Don’t get me wrong, I love it here. Clean air, good company, everything I always wished for. But, lately, I’ve felt... empty. I miss my home, my family, my friends... hell, I even miss my neighbor and I hated that guy.”
>She gives a soft giggle and looks back at the reflection.
>“I know how you feel. Ever since I discovered my cutie mark, I’ve been living in Ponyville. I sometimes wish I could go back home and see my family.”
“What’s stopping you? You can fly and I’m pretty sure Cloudsdale isn’t an impossible trip.”
>She looks back down at the ground, tears filling her eyes.
>“My father abandoned us after I was born and my mother had been sick for a very long time. She had my aunt and uncle take care of me since she was unable to do so. A few days after I settled here, I got a letter from them saying she had finally passed away.”
>Small sobs begin to escape her as she tries to hold them in.
>You sit up and scoot over to her, placing your arms around her.
>Her sobs begin to violent emit as you hold her tight.
>“I’ve always taken care of the animals since then, sheltering them when they can’t find a home and healing them when hurt. Everyday I try my hardest to help them. I see my mother every time I look into their hurt little eyes.”
>She buries her face into your chest, weeping like mad.
>And you thought you had it bad.
>You pet her head, trying to calm her down.
>After a little while, her crying dies down and she speaks again.
>“I’m so sorry Anonymous. I didn’t mean to interrupt you with my problems.”
>Tightening your grip, you don’t let her go.
“Listen, if anything, you’ve made me feel a little bit better.”
>She looks up at you with a puzzled look on her face.
“I know now that I’m not alone. There’s a least one pers- I mean pony that knows how I feel.”
>Tears begin to flow from your eyes as you smile at her.
>She smiles back places her head against your chest again as the sun slowly rises.
>Today was the start of a friendship that no one would ever understand.




~X~ BOREDGAMES ~X~

>“It’s called chess!” Twilight exclaims, holding the box up for you to see.
>Grabbing the box from her magical grip, you examine it.
“What the hell is chess?”
>“Chess is an old game, played back in the times of when we had a feudal system. It dates bac-”
>You raise your hand, interrupting her.
“I didn’t ask for a history lesson.” You look down at the board. “How do you play?”
>Her eyes shine in excitement from finally finding someone willing to play with her.
>Using her magic, she opens the box and arranges the board and pieces.
>You pick up some of the piece and exam them.
“How do you work this shit?”
>Twilight gives him a disgruntled sigh and place a hoof on her forehead.
>“Please, watch your language Anon. The object of the game is simple: You use the pieces provided to capture or corner the opponent's king.”
>She points at the tall piece with a cross on it.
“Okay, what the hell do I do with the rest of these pieces?”
>Twilight begins to explain what all the pieces do, showing you their moving patterns and purposes.
>After the short explanation, she grabs her pawn and begins, only to be interrupted by you again.
“Oi! Hold up! Why do you get to go first?”
>She stops and looks down at the board, then back to you.
>“Because I’m white.”
>Your face instantly goes from annoyed to pissed.
“What kind of racist shit is that? I can’t go first because I’m black? That’s some Goddamn bullshit!”
>Twilight shakes her head, completely vexed.
>“That’s the rules! I didn’t make them!”
>You cross your arms and give her a pout.
“Well, I’m not playing until I can move first.”
>Her cheeks begin to turn red from anger as she rotates the board, making sure that the white pieces are on your side now.
>You glare at her and move one of your pawns forward.
>The game goes on for about fifteen minutes, ending with Twilight being the victor.
>You slam your hands down on the table, making Twilight jump.
“I demand a rematch.”
>Twilight nods and you both begin a new game, only to have the same end.
“This game is so unbalance! This is the worst turn based game I’ve ever played!”
>She looks at you, completely confused.
“It’s way too fucking complicated! There’s all kinds of stupid, gay ass strategies and all kind dumb shit you have to learn to be good at it. It has a worse learning curve than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde for the NES!”
>“Dr. what and mister who for the what-”
“And the modeling on these characters is retarded!”
>You lift up the small horse figure and shove it in her face.
“You know what this is? A horse, right? No, it’s a knight! I thought a knight was supposed to be the guy on the horse. But no, no! The horse itself is a high ranking member of the feudal system.”
>Grabbing the queen, you slam it down on the board.
“Oh, and what a surprise! The only female character, the queen, is a fucking Mary Sue! You can move in any direction, at any distance, and do whatever you want. God, I fucking hate women.”
>Twilight’s eyes begin to fill with tears, unable to comprehend what is going on.
“Chess? More like chess... chiss... shiss... shit. More like shit!”
>You take the table and flip it over, leaving a very confused Twilight behind.
>As you open the door to make your exit, you turn to her with one last remark.
“Play League of Legends, you scrub!”




~X~ ONE STAR REVIEW ~X~

>It was another slow day of gardening.
>Digging the small trowel into the soft Equestrian soil, you continue shoveling at the ground to plant your money tree.
>If the shit worked in Animal Crossing, why not here?
>Deeper and deeper you dig, making sure there is plenty of room for the tree to grow.
>Looking around, you slap yourself for your ignorance.
>You forgot the bag of bits inside your house.
>Dropping the trowel, you head towards the house when a strange burning spreads across your legs.
>Lifting your pant legs up, you look in horror as a few dozen fire ants crawl about your legs.
>Swatting them off, you step on the few survivors out of spite before going inside.
“Fucking ants! I swear, when I become supreme overlord of the world, anything with more than four legs will be executed!”
>Heading upstairs, you turn on the cold shower and run your legs under it.
>Dear God did it feel good!
>A sudden knocking at your front door breaks your peaceful little moment.
“Who is it?” you scream from the bathroom.
>... No response.
>Shutting the water off, you curse under your breath as you make your way down the stairs.
>Winging the door open with a mighty force, you look outside and see no one.
“I swear on the holy shit of Je- Oh!”
>You look down and see a small glowing package labeled ‘To: Anon | From: Amahooves.colt’.
>ITS WAS HERE!
>Grabbing the package, you head back into the your home and slam the door behind you.
>Ripping open the box, you remove its contents.
>The Uranium ore sample you ordered a week ago was finally here!
>Taking the package, you place inside your cabinet.
>Your plan was now going perfectly.
>But to carry out this plan, you had to be sneakier than Sam Fisher himself.
>Reaching into your closet, you grab your trusty rock outfit that you made out of styrofoam and plastic Prof. Pony bottles.
>Sprinting out of your house like a retarded cheetah, you head over to none other than Fluttershy’s house.
>Slowly, you waddle your way toward the pond in hopes of not being spotted.
>As you approach it, Fluttershy exits her home, staring directly at you with a worried look on her face.
>“Um, Anon? Why are you dressed up like a different human?”
>You rip off the disguise and look at it again.
>Dammit! You grabbed the wrong rock outfit!
>This was your Dwyane “The Rock” Johnson outfit!
>Wait a second... You just took off your disguise.
>SHIT.
>Grabbing the disguise, you throw it at her screaming at the top of your lungs:
“CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING?!”
>Fluttershy screams as the giant wrestling figure collides with her.
>You quickly jump into the pond and grab four terrapins.
>As you jump out, you sprint towards Fluttershy’s house.
“PEOPLE’S ELBOW!” you bellow as you slam into her door.
>You needed a rhino and warthog for this plan to be complete.
>Looking around, you can’t seem to find them anywhere.
>A small rat runs up to you, shaking it’s little fist in the air for the intrusion.
“You’ll just have to do,” you whisper, grabbing it by the tail.
>Making your way out, you begin running for home, but not before screaming out at a completely dazed and confused Fluttershy,
“IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO YOU ARE!”
>As you approach your humble abode, you open the door and quickly shut it behind you.
>IT WAS TIME.
>There was no time for flukes or gimmicks now.
>Taking the animals in hand, you place them inside of a plastic tubberware container and reach into cabinet for your Uranium.
>Using a pestle and mortar, you crush the chuck of ore into a fine powder before placing it into a bowl of water.
>Carefully mixing it, you lay the complete concoction down on your coffee table and move your living room furniture around.
>Grabbing a tarp from the closet, you lay it down across the floor and pour the mixture onto it.
>FINALLY.
>Reaching for the tubberware container, you dump the confused creature and jump onto the tarp.
____________________________________
>Three days and a few hefty fines later, you begin to write your letter to the Amahooves.colt reviewers federation.
“Do not be fooled by this product. I bought this along with four terrapins and a rat (since I couldn’t lay my hands on a warthog and a rhino). I rubbed this product into my skin and gums then rolled around with the terrapins and the rat. Long story short I did NOT end up with my own crime-fighting mutant superhero team. The rat bit me and I crushed the terrapins. Also I now have a strange rash and I’m coughing up blood, what’s up with that? I give it one star out of five.”
>Letting out a disgruntled sigh, you seal the letter and place it in your mailbox.
>You had also learned that day that Uranium did not make a good ant killer.
>It just made them bigger.
>The good thing about their growth, however, was that it made them slower, giving you enough time to beat them to death with your shovel.
>But, alas, the garbage ponies refused to take the carcasses along with your weekly refuse.
>This week was just disappointing.




~X~ BLUEBALLED ~X~

>It was another slow day of gardening.
>Digging the small trowel into the soft Equestrian soil, you continue shoveling at the ground to plant your money tree.
>If the shit worked in Animal Crossing, why not here?
>Deeper and deeper you dig, making sure there is plenty of room for the tree to grow.
>Looking around, you slap yourself for your ignorance.
>You forgot the bag of bits inside your house.
>Dropping the trowel, you head towards the house when a strange burning spreads across your legs.
>Lifting your pant legs up, you look in horror as a few dozen fire ants crawl about your legs.
>Swatting them off, you step on the few survivors out of spite before going inside.
“Fucking ants! I swear, when I become supreme overlord of the world, anything with more than four legs will be executed!”
>Heading upstairs, you turn on the cold shower and run your legs under it.
>Dear God did it feel good!
>A sudden knocking at your front door breaks your peaceful little moment.
“Who is it?” you scream from the bathroom.
>... No response.
>Shutting the water off, you curse under your breath as you make your way down the stairs.
>Winging the door open with a mighty force, you look outside and see no one.
“I swear on the holy shit of Je- Oh!”
>You look down and see a small glowing package labeled ‘To: Anon | From: Amahooves.colt’.
>ITS WAS HERE!
>Grabbing the package, you head back into the your home and slam the door behind you.
>Ripping open the box, you remove its contents.
>The Uranium ore sample you ordered a week ago was finally here!
>Taking the package, you place inside your cabinet.
>Your plan was now going perfectly.
>But to carry out this plan, you had to be sneakier than Sam Fisher himself.
>Reaching into your closet, you grab your trusty rock outfit that you made out of styrofoam and plastic Prof. Pony bottles.
>Sprinting out of your house like a retarded cheetah, you head over to none other than Fluttershy’s house.
>Slowly, you waddle your way toward the pond in hopes of not being spotted.
>As you approach it, Fluttershy exits her home, staring directly at you with a worried look on her face.
>“Um, Anon? Why are you dressed up like a different human?”
>You rip off the disguise and look at it again.
>Dammit! You grabbed the wrong rock outfit!
>This was your Dwyane “The Rock” Johnson outfit!
>Wait a second... You just took off your disguise.
>SHIT.
>Grabbing the disguise, you throw it at her screaming at the top of your lungs:
“CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING?!”
>Fluttershy screams as the giant wrestling figure collides with her.
>You quickly jump into the pond and grab four terrapins.
>As you jump out, you sprint towards Fluttershy’s house.
“PEOPLE’S ELBOW!” you bellow as you slam into her door.
>You needed a rhino and warthog for this plan to be complete.
>Looking around, you can’t seem to find them anywhere.
>A small rat runs up to you, shaking it’s little fist in the air for the intrusion.
“You’ll just have to do,” you whisper, grabbing it by the tail.
>Making your way out, you begin running for home, but not before screaming out at a completely dazed and confused Fluttershy,
“IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO YOU ARE!”
>As you approach your humble abode, you open the door and quickly shut it behind you.
>IT WAS TIME.
>There was no time for flukes or gimmicks now.
>Taking the animals in hand, you place them inside of a plastic tubberware container and reach into cabinet for your Uranium.
>Using a pestle and mortar, you crush the chuck of ore into a fine powder before placing it into a bowl of water.
>Carefully mixing it, you lay the complete concoction down on your coffee table and move your living room furniture around.
>Grabbing a tarp from the closet, you lay it down across the floor and pour the mixture onto it.
>FINALLY.
>Reaching for the tubberware container, you dump the confused creature and jump onto the tarp.
____________________________________
>Three days and a few hefty fines later, you begin to write your letter to the Amahooves.colt reviewers federation.
“Do not be fooled by this product. I bought this along with four terrapins and a rat (since I couldn’t lay my hands on a warthog and a rhino). I rubbed this product into my skin and gums then rolled around with the terrapins and the rat. Long story short I did NOT end up with my own crime-fighting mutant superhero team. The rat bit me and I crushed the terrapins. Also I now have a strange rash and I’m coughing up blood, what’s up with that? I give it one star out of five.”
>Letting out a disgruntled sigh, you seal the letter and place it in your mailbox.
>You had also learned that day that Uranium did not make a good ant killer.
>It just made them bigger.
>The good thing about their growth, however, was that it made them slower, giving you enough time to beat them to death with your shovel.
>But, alas, the garbage ponies refused to take the carcasses along with your weekly refuse.
>This week was just disappointing.

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