Title:           Don't Fuck With Grandma
Author:          BallsOfFluff
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/JAzMWK3u
First Edit:      Tuesday 10th of April 2012 10:03:32 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Tuesday 10th of April 2012 10:03:32 PM CDT

>Have job with fluffy pony removal service.
>People pay good money to have strays taken off property.
>Trample flowerbeds.
>Eat vegetable gardens.
>Shit everywhere.
>Little old lady calls.
>Show up that afternoon.
>Offers you tea & cookies.
>Nice old lady.
>Wonder if she really has a fluffy pony problem or just lonely.
"Oh they're under my front porch. They trample my flowers and eat my garden."
>Shows you the damage.
>Partner nods.
"Of course we can take care of this ma'am."
>First, seal off escape routes.
>Old lady's porch is skirted by lattice, so you only need to patch holes with wire fence.
>Crawl under porch.
>Reeks of fluffy pony excrement.
>Bright light reveals 7 adults and three foals.
>Frightened, huddled in corner.
"Easy little fellas...I'm your friend."
>That shit never works with ferals.
>Only one unicorn in the bunch.
>That's usually the Alpha...the "smarty friend."
>Loop him with snare-stick.
>Pull alpha out, hand him off to partner.
>First feral fluffy goes in the transport cage.
>Now that the alpha is gone the rest freak out.
>Two stallions run, try to escape but find their holes blocked.
>They try to dig.
>Grab them by tails, hand them out.
>4 mares huddle in corner, thumping their tiny hooves and puffing up their cheeks.
>"Go 'way munster!"
>They're super easy to snare because they won't leave the foals.
>Hand out 4 mares, one by one.
>Cage almost full, only the babies left.
>Foals won't run.
>Their mothers gone, foals huddle together and cry.
>Partner crawls under porch to help with delicate fluffy foals.
>Gather up bawling foals, try to calm them.
"Your mothers are right outside. We'll take you to them."
>Partner sniffs the air.
"You smell something?"
>Only fluffy shit.
"No...fire."
>Crawl out just in time to see little old lady lighting a torch.
"This is for my begonias you little vermin!"
>Caged fluffies scream in terror as little old lady torments them with torch.
>Beat themselves against walls of cage in desperate effort to flee.
>"Noooo! Pwease not hot huwt! Pwease let fwuffies go!"
"Only place you little vermin are going is hell!"
>Little old lady jams torch into cage.
>Fluff goes up like a bomb.
>Fluffy ponies writhe and scream in agony as they burn alive.
"Lady, are you nuts?"
>Little old lady looks puzzled.
"What did you intend to do with them? Give them spaghetti?"
>Explain that they are taken to rescue & relocation centers.
>Little old lady scoffs.
>Notices foals.
>They've just watched their mothers burned alive.
>Squealing in terror, fighting to get free.
"No sense wasting matches on these rats."
>Little old lady drowns fluffy foals in birdbath.
"Crows like the little ones. The bones are still soft."
>Offers you tea & cookies again.
>Too freaked out by old murder lady to say no.
>She tells stories.
"I was in the French Resistance during the war. Burned 11 Nazis who were sleeping in a barn."
>Eager to get going.
>Crazy old broad.
>It's gonna take hours to get the smell of burnt fluffy pony out of that cage.
>Drive back to work.
>Old converted fire-house.
>Boss calls you over.
"Did you two take a call for 348 Maplewood Lane?"
>Nod.
"Awww shit. We should have warned you. That crazy old bitch again."
>Boss and co-workers all laugh at you.
>Good natured, don't get mad.
>Little old lady does this at least once a month.
>Lures stray fluffy ponies onto her property with spaghetti.
>Calls fluffy pony removal services.
>Once fluffies are caught, burns them alive.
>You show them the cage with 7 burnt fluffy pony carcasses.
>Much laughter.
>Boss explains;
"Her check never clears either. She's just a crazy old broad who gets off on burning fluffy ponies to death."
>Still gotta clean that cage.