Marceline: Vampire Socialite

Marceline: Vampire Socialite

 

A Murder Mystery with Parties and Drama

 

The creatures of the forest were used to strange, improbable discoveries wandering about in the middle of the day. The Land of Ooo in general never really had rules on what was 'conventional sights'. But if they did, they most certainly would not permit the sight those animals saw that day to be considered normal.

 

Two men trudged through the overgrowth, dressed in large bulky and sunstained yellow-white hazmat suits, carrying gigantic umbrellas and strange suitcases making computer noises. One of the two was scanning the air with a device that, any human of the pre-mushroom war would label Star Trek in nature. But that isn't possible, as no one alive still knows what Star Trek is, so stop thinking about it. Stop it.

 

The two arrived on a clearing, with a strange burn mark in the shape of a man, and three wooden pegs with markings sticking out of the ashy silhouette. The suitcase of undetermined sci-fi series references made more computer noises, and one of the two men gingerly picked up one of the pegs and turned it. He saw the markings of a fanged beaver. The man was convinced now. He hissed softly, fangs barely visible through the plastic cover of the suit.

 

"It's them all right. The Canuckanines were here. Probably some Minnesolar pup trying to prove himself."

 

The other man grimaced, also barely visible. "Another globbing Clan squabble? Well, I suppose we can just check it up to general bite brawl gone wrong. Tell the Minnesolars to check thei-"

 

"Wait..." The first vampire noticed something shining in the ash, and sifted through it. He was hoping he'd seen it wrong. He hadn't. A ring of lakes and a heron. Royal jewelry.

 

"Oh glod.... Barb, get on the horn with the council." He displayed the ring to his partner I think we need a summit LAST night. A royal's been snuffed."

 

"WHAT?!?" Barbatus grabbed the ring from hiand studied it, he dropped his other hand to his side, and looked down. "No, this is beyond summit meetings, Caven. I think we need the providence."

 

Cavendish tilted his head. "She's not going to be any help, and you know it. She hasn't been to a proper royal meeting in 300 years, beyond that trainwreck with the Nut duke. And that was only because her friends were dressing up as candy folk. And half the clans are still mad that a convert wou-"

 

"That's in the past. She's been official for long enough. This is big, and it needs an executive investigation... we have to call her. What's she going to do? Refuse an official duty?"

 

~~~~~~

 

"I'm not doing it."

 

"Well, you HAVE to, your majesty. Royal duties require action."

"Queens don't have to DO anything."

"YES they do, sometimes."

 

Marceline sighed, "Well, I didn't hear about any of this."

"We sent you a pamphlet. We sent several pamphlets. We thought you'd read them."

"Oh is that what was in them?"

"We- you didn't even open one? Where did you put them?"

 

Marceline glanced over at the wallpaper. Several hundred pamphlets were stuck to the wall, spelling out, in big letters, PHAT BUTTZ.

 

"Uh... around somewhere."

 

"Well, the point is, the clans are fighting, and this time a royal has been killed. We need a proper decision IN PERSON WITH PROPER INVESTIAGTION," Marceline shut her mouth, her nearly suggested loophole gone, "by the high vampire, to sort out the clan's fate. The rights of acquisition place that responsibility to you. Despite your convert status."

 

"Uh huh."

 

"Be ready in one hour, we'll arrive to pick you up at sunset. Now, you haven't been to a lot of meetings, so I'll just go over the proper attire fo-"

 

"I said I got it. Be out in an hour, wear something formal, don't smash nothing... THEN can I go home?"

 

"...if you wish."

 

"Good." Marceline placed the phone down on the hook, and headed back into the living room, Finn and his dog, shaped like some bongos, waiting for her.

 

"Sorry guys, jam session's cancelled."

 

Finn was shocked. "What? Why? ...was something wrong?"

 

"Yeah," said Marceline, "apparently the Vampires actually need their queen for once."

 

~~~~~~

 

"Aww, come ON!"

"No means no, Finn."

 

The goblin was still darting in and out of the house, hobbling by with bags and dresses, grumbling about 'stinky flesh beasts' and 'mistress needs this' and that. He dumped them in the implausibly large trunk of the spectral carriage, adorned with purple and blue cushions and curtains, pulled by bat-winged jet black horses, with eyes glowing red, breathing smoke. And of course, Finn was losing it.

 

"But it's a FLYING CARRIAGE, and there's vampire horses and it's all-"

Marceline rubbed her forehead with her thumb and index finger. "Finn, you're gonna be a snack to these guys if I take you with me. You can't come."

 

"Yeah, dude, let Marcy deal with her vampire business. This driver's giving me the willies..." Jake was stretching out of the way of the little grouchy creature, carrying nearly the whole house in small loads.

"But I can fight off the bitey ones, an-"

"And cause a political incident? Finn, look, I'm already on bad terms with half of these clans, so I got to at least show some respect for the vampire customs. If you don't get eaten by someone, I'D have to eat you. So..."

 

"Yeah, why are you on bad terms with the vampires?" asked Jake, as Finn sat down on the ground, pouting, " I thought you were their queen. And wouldn't your dad be more qualified for this?"

"Dad's not a vampire, I didn't become a vampire until later, and the pure clans don't really like converts. Plus, there was a bit of... stuff... that-"

 

"MISTRESS!!! THE CARRIAGE IS PACKED!!!" The little yellow goblin shrieked, dancing about on top of the carriage, "LEAVES IMMEDIATELY WE MUST, OR MASTER WILL BEAT US WITH THISTLE BRANCHES, HE WILL!!!"

"L-Look I'll explain it later, I'll bring back some souvenirs as well, all right? Just, watch the house while I'm gone." Marceline floated into the cushion-filled compartment, as the horses began to unfurl their wings and begin their ascent into the night sky, "And whatever you do, don't forget to feed the Mogli-"

 

WOOOSH!!! The carriage soared into the night sky, off to the west. Marceline's voice was drowned out in the whinnying of the vampire horses. Finn stared at the carriage, shrinking into the distance, his arms and legs still crossed.

 

"Well, that was cool. Ready to head back?"

"...we're totally going."

"Oh no, NO WE'RE NOT, FINN!!" Finn turned to Jake, a sheepish grin on his face. "STOP THAT, FINN! WE'RE NOT GOING!!!"

 

~~~~~~

 

The trip to the castle was slow and uneventful, and Marceline had to spend a lot trying on various gowns and jewelry, looking for the perfect combination of grace and power. But dress up was a lot less fun when there was pomp and ceremony to consider. She considered bailing on the carriage ride, but even she knew vampires staking vampire royals was something she couldn't just ditch.

 

She eventually decided on a simple red velvet dress with gloves, and a black choker with a ruby, as the carriage pulled up to the gates of a large estate. Gargoyles at the entrance were shouted at by the little goblin, and the gates were opened to let the carriage in. Marceline looked up, as a perpetual storm cloud near the cliff-top estate cracked with lightning, silhouetting the massive castle in the center, home to the Vampire royals. Marceline blew her tongue at the pretentious set-piece, as she slipped into some dress heels.

 

Eventually, the carriage reached the entrance, and royal guards were placed by a long red carpet leading to the front door. A vampire with an impossibly large nose, and even sillier wig clicked his heels together, as he opened the carriage door and proclaimed:

 

"PRRRRRRESenting, HHHHHer Mmmmahjesteh, Marceline Abadeerah, rrrreturning frrrrom her extennnnnnnded sabbatical to Ooo~oo~!"

Marceline slowly floated out of the carriage, her feet uncomfortably posed in the tiny shoes. She usually flowed with where-ever she had to go, but the royals always attempted to float in a straight-legged position, or walk. And since Marceline didn't feel comfortable walking in these things yet...

 

She was already ready to leave.

 

The atrium was packed with vampires of all shapes and sizes. Clans from all over the land were gathered. Psy, sanguine, arboreal, cross-feeders, Vampires from Ooo, Aaa, the Inbetweens, the Pit, and even Mars. It was a big messy gathering of power and influence, filled with the planet's movers and shakers.

 

And they were all waiting on her, to say... something.

 

Marceline had no idea what power or influence either of the clans had in the court, so she just commented on being glad to be back and hoped for a well-rounded solution, and the court nodded in agreement, and went back to drinks and hors d'oeuvres. But no, that actually hadn't happened because she couldn't open her mouth for some reason. Murmurs began to dance around the crowd, 'convert' and 'unbecoming'. Was this stage fright? Glob, it really did suck.

 

Suddenly, clapping and cheering sprouted from the back of the atrium, and the crowd fell into the waves of applause and cheer. Marceline curtseyed staticly, and floated into the crowd quickly to grab a glass of red from the back.

 

The clans quickly returned to their conversations about the trial and events over the coming days, while Marceline sat and fiddled with her drink. On the one hand, she was just glad to be ignored by these various groups she had no information on. On the other, she felt uncomfortable at being uncomfortable in a party. Good thing that clap and cheer had come out of nowhe-

 

No. No No No No No. How. No.

 

Finn was wearing an old beat up suit that had some sort of strange purple hue to it, and had painted his entire body a dark green. He had a beat up white fox mask on, and was wearing some sort of bright yellow cape. No... wait... it was Jake. For some reason, none of the other vampires had noticed he had play-dough pointy ears. And no vampire teeth.

 

She floated over to Finn, and quickly yanked him out of conversation with a psy vampire. "If you'll excuse us..." she spat out of clenched teeth at the guest, surprised at her interruption. She noticed him whisper something to a guest and point. Great. Rumors.

 

"What in almightly Lincoln himself are you two idiots doing?!?!" she hissed at the table of appetizers. Finn grabbed a handle of blood sausage weenies and started munching loudly, 'it'sh a vampire party, Marcelin'! H'we warn't gonna mish seeing thish."

 

"Ju- didn't yo- do you have any idea how much danger you're in right now?"

 

Jake's face morphed into the Jake-cape's collar. "I told him not to go, but he wouldn't liste-" Jake's whining was muffled by Finn covering his collar with a hand.

 

"H-how did you even get here before me?"

 

"Your dad let us use a portal here from the Nightosphere."

 

Marceline never hated her dad more than that moment. "Okay, look, just... you have to go, all right? I can't watch out for you forever, and I need you to keep a low profile, or-"

 

"Hello~ Marmee~"

 

Oh Grod, not her.

 

Nallita Highbonnet. During her times in the Vampire court, Marceline had made many acquaintances for power plays, and none were as influential and teeth-grindingly annoying as her. Always going on about drama in the clans, or chatting it up with suitors at parties. If there was any reason she'd gone far far away from the courts, it was her. Well, that and the other thing. Still, her clan had a lot of sway, and staying on her good side kept detractors at bay. So...

 

"NATILLA!" Marceline faked a big wide smile for the air-headed blonde vampire, sharing a hug with the little perky powerhouse.

 

"Like, oh, my Gob, I haven't seen you in FOREVER, that stuff in Ooo must REALLY be fun to do all the time. I mean, I sort of wish I could come, but then I'd miss all the wonderful things out here in the courts, and there's..."

 

Natilla's ramblings sort of drowned out with time as Marceline thought to herself. Okay, you can do this, just keep chatting with the guests until it's late, and then get Finn and Jake on a carriage back to Ooo as soon as possible, before those two idiots get discovered.

 

"Oh my~ Who's the stud-muffin snarfing down those marrow brownies?~"

 

Marceline turned. She was pointing at Finn. He looked up with half a brownie in his mouth. Oh well. So much for finesse.

 

"This is-" Marceline barely got the two words out before Finn flapped open his cape like wings and proclaimed in a silly voice, "Duke Marigold of Ooo, milady! The Vampire Queen invited me personally, and I am most delighted for her arrival!"

 

She would kill him. She would kill him and then bring him back to life to kill him again.

 

"Oh my!~ Marceline, you sly little flying fox, if I'd known there were such hunky local flair, I'd have come over to Ooo myself..."

 

Natilla drifted over to Finn and started circling, and sighed softly, "Although, the cape is a bit clashing... still, traditional I suppose. Must present your colors."

Marceline was very sure Finn had just seen the word Marigold somewhere and just thought it sounded fancy, not really knowing what it meant.

"Yeah, uh, I just heard of the party, and-"

"So, how long have you too been together?"

 

"HE'S NOT MY BO- he's... just a friend." Marceline puffed out her cheeks. Every moment was getting more awkward.

Finn tilted his head a bit to the side, as Natilla raised in the air slightly, her expression lighting up. "Ah, so he's on the menu? Well, I'm not gonna let this little hunk of something toasty get scooped up." Natilla took Finn's hand and started heading into the crowd. "I'll meet up with you later, MarMar~" Finn started grinning at the name as he was carried off.

 

Marceline tried holding onto Finn, and hissed as low as she could, "Get back here, you idiot, if they find out you're a-"

"Sorry, 'MarMar', I guess I'm popular today."

Natilla turned back, "Oh don't get jealous now, you'll get him back before the week's over."

"Week?"

"You didn't think the trial was any time soon, did you? The clans have to gather their cases before they present. Ta-Ta~"

 

And just like that, Marceline was alone again.

A week. A week of making sure Finn didn't get found out for being a human. Or going to the bathroom. Or breathing. Or not flying.

She hated everything.

 

TO BE CONTINUED