The Dook Dilemma pt. 1

This... This story is just... Odd.

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>Day 'stopped counting days' in Equestria.

>Because you can only count to 'G'.

>You are calmly walking in Ponyville proper.

>You thought it would be a good idea to go for a relaxing stroll through the town.

>The sun is shining.

>The birds are singing.

>The weath-

>*Squish*

>You pause mid-step right when you feel a squishy cushion before your foot should have made contact with the ground.

>You look down, and to your surprise...

>You have stepped in a pile of shit.

>What an awful turn of events.

>It was such a lovely day...

"Fucking really?!"

>Your outburst catches the attention of the surrounding ponies.

"Who did this!? Who left a pile of dook out here in the middle of the street!? Huh? Who the fuck did this!?"

>Your rage seems to scare the ponies into a damn near state of paralysis.

>They just shake their heads and shrug.

"I'm gonna find out who did it! Whoever is responsible, is going to pay! All of you mark my goddamn words!"

>You take of your shoe and inspect the squished defecation.

>After close analysis. You see a lone iridescent strand of hair.

"... Son of a bitch..."

>You take off your other shoe, and run to the nearest low-flying cloud.

>Odds are -SHE- will be on one of them.

>Luckily, it's not long before you spot her.

 

"Hey! Rainbow! Get your lazy ass up!"

>She pokes her head out of the cloud.

>"What do you want, Anon? I was kind of in the middle of a nap."

"You owe me a new pair of shoes, you Shit Mongrel!"

>She hovers a bit lower to your ground level.

>"... What?"

>You raise your shit coated shoe, for all to see.

"Ya see? You did this!"

>Obviously sensing hostility, She hovers right back up, out of your reach.

>"Y-you can't prove that!"

"I found one of your hairs in the pile, you Shit Smear!"

>"Ewwwwww! You were digging through poop? That's gross, dude."

"Don't change the subject, you Caca Weasel! You are gonna pay for what you did!"

>She clearly gives up the innocent act, and it turns into a smug expression.

>"Oh yeah? Well, why don't you come up here and make me!"

>She pokes her butt out of the cloud and starts shaking it, while humming a little tune.

>You grit your teeth, and you start seeing the the most evil of the primary colors.

>Red.

"Goddammit, Dash!"

>She continues shaking her butt in your general direction as she spouts taunts and other such rage-inducing gibberish.

>In a quick, and not totally planned out attempt to get her, you climb a nearby building, reach the roof, run for that damn cloud, and jump higher and harder than you've ever done before.

>In recent memory, anyways.

>She notices your antics, and her eyes go wide as you reach out for her.

>Just before you were able to reach one of her hooves, you start descending, and crash land onto the ground.

>Your adrenaline keeps the pain at bay, but you know you'll be feeling this soon enough.

>"Oh! So close, Anon. I give you an 'A' for effort, though."

"Shut up!"

>"Try and make me... oh wait, you probably shouldn't do that anymore. Wouldn't wanna break any bones now. Heheheh!"

"I swear. I'm gonna kick your ass so hard, It'll force shit into what little brain you have left!"

>"*Gasp* Such tough talk... For a looser! Heh! Tell ya what. Me and my butt will be waiting for your next lousy attempt."

>She does another little shake.

"... Fuckin' son of a..."

>Unfortunately, she's got you beat.

>Better just let this whole thing go before it raises your blood pressure to lethal levels.

"Whatever! I'm outta here!"

>You walk back to your house, as you try and ignore Rainbow Dash's laughter and mockery.

>For the sake of zero percent chance of shit stepping, you decide to stay indoors for the remainder of the day.

>Fucking Rainbow Shit...

 

>Day 'G times seven' in Equestria.

>Safe to say that yesterday sucked. You lost a good pair of shoes.

>The only good that came out of that day is that Applejack randomly stopped by late in the evening.

>She had finished her work early, and wanted to see you.

>As always, whenever you have bad days, she cheers you up in no time at all.

>You get this day started by deciding to pay Twilight a visit.

>Among other things, you need to return a history book to her. Not that she gave you a due date, but you don't want to leave it here to take up space.

>It's a rather large book, mind you.

>You get your 'b-side' shoes on, and make your way to the front door.

>('b-side' because they're good, but not as great as your -currently- poop covered ones.)

>You take a deep breath as you open it up.

>Immediately, you see a brown paper bag on your doormat.

"Really, Rainbow Dash? This is just lame. Even for you. I-I mean look! It's not even on fire!"

>You carefully grab the bag and throw it in the trash bin.

"You see? I'm putting crap where it belongs! In the trash!"

>Just then, you see Sweetie Belle approaching you.

>She looks like she's on the verge of tears.

>"Y-you didn't like *sniff* the lunch that I m-made, *hic* especially for you?"

"Wait that was from you? Oh... crap. I'm so sorry, Sweetie Belle. I thought it was-"

>"I-I know I'm not a good cook. *sniff* B-b-but I tried really hard this time."

>That's all she gets out before she starts crying and running off to Rarity's.

>Wow. Good job, you black-hearted waste of oxygen.

>You'll have to buy her a puppy, or something.

>Puppies solve everyone's problems.

>Rainbow Shit has inadvertently ruined your day, and possibly your entire life if you're gonna continue being this paranoid.

 

>As you walk to Twilight's, you begin to think about what had transpired.

>Ya know? Maybe you're being silly. Maybe It was a one time deal.

>I mean, there were certain times when you just had to go, and there wasn't a toilet around at the time.

>You begin to laugh at how pissed off you got. It was kind of silly-

>*Squish*

>You look down... Yet again you see

"Fucking, oh my god!"

>The 'Dookie Monster' has struck again.

>There are several strands  of her hair this time.

>What, does she shed whenever she shits?

>No. This was clearly personal.

>She wanted you to know it was her.

>Speaking of that, you hear that certain pony snickering above you.

>"Bahahaha!"

"Really, Dash? Why!? What in the living fuck is wrong with you!?"

>"Oh, come on, Anon. This is just harmless fun."

"No. No it is not! Not only is it disgusting! It's starting to ruin my goddamn life, you Doo Doo Whore!"

>"Heheh! Okay, I'll admit. The first time was an accident. But when I saw how angry you got. I couldn't help myself."

"Y-you're... You're sick!"

>"Am I? -You're- the one who is stepping in poop. That's pretty gross, Anon... You disgust me."

"You're-"

>"-Gonna pay, right? *sigh* Look. If you want my butt that badly, why don't you come and get it. Huh? That'll be worth a chuckle."

>Whatever. You don't have time for this shit.

>Literally and figuratively.

>You remove your shoes, and continue walking to Twilight's place.

>Rainbow, of course, keeps laughing, and taunting you along the way.

"Fucking Rainbow Shit..."

 

>As you enter Twilight's place, you see she's in full on study mode.

>But, hey. What else is new...

"Hey, Twilight!"

>"Oh, Anon! You startled me. I didn't hear you come in."

>You give her a half-assed thumbs up.

>"Hey, where are your shoes. Did something happened to them?"

"Yes. Rainbow happened."

>"What, was she teething on them?"

"What? No. Why would you think that!?"

>"Well you're not giving me anything to work with."

"Fair enough. Here's what went down."

>One dookie-filled explanation later...

>"Oh... That's Just... Gross. Ugh."

"Yes, I know."

>"Why would she-"

"Hey, look. You've known her longer than I have. I should be the one asking you any and all questions."

>"I don't... I don't know, Anon. Honest."

"Hm. No matter. Because I got a diabolical plan, and you're gonna help me bring it into fruition! Also. I need help picking out a gift for Sweetie Belle."

>"Wh-"

"No questions, please. Long story short, I broke her heart."

>"Uhhh..."

"Okay, wait. I realize that sounded kind of weird. I just need help. Please?"

>"Fine. What do you have planned."

>Suddenly, the lighting in her house becomes dimmed.

>Twilight looks around in confusion.

"A device, that is so very evil. She better hope that I don't step in another pile of crap."

>"That's very foreboding, Anon."

"I know... Here's the plans I've made so far. It's a fairly simple sketch. However, you're gonna help me make it more... Achievable."

>She looks over your hastily drawn blueprints.

>"Oh. My. Goodness. Y-you can't be serious. This is... It's just. Cruel!"

>You simply give twilight an evil grin as your response.

>She just smiles nervously. In hopes of not being killed by you, probably.

>The lighting goes back to normal.

"Oh! I almost forgot. I brought your book back. It's heavy as fuck. Good read, though."

>You hold out the big sucker. And by that, you definitely do -not- mean a fat hooker or a large vacuum cleaner.

>Using her magic, she puts the book in its proper spot.

>"Thank you. I hope it helped you better understand Equestria."

"It most certainly did. Thanks for letting me borrow it."

>The lighting becomes dim once more.

>Twilight looks around, wondering who is controlling the lighting. And how.

>"Y-you're... Welcome?"

"Now. Let's get down to brass tacks."

 

>After a solid three hours. A lot sooner than you thought, mostly because of Twilight's help, you bring to life, your accursed device.

>You give it a once-over.

>"Anon? This thing we built?"

"Yes?"

>"It's stupid."

"I am inclined to agree with you, Twi. But, stupid circumstances require an equally stupid solution."

>"... Not necessari-"

"Regardless! I must be off. I have lots of planning to do. Thanks for the help! I really appreciate it."

>"No worries, Anon. I'm always happy to help. Despite how dumb things get around here..."

"I just hope our plan won't have to go into action. Well. Bye, Twilight!"

>"Bye, Anon!"

>Device in-tow, You make your way home.

>You go over the plans several times.

>You also have a quick evil laugh to yourself. Because you always kinda wanted to do that.

>A certain winged pony better hope you don't step in a pile of

>Rainbow Shit.