- >Day Necco Fucking Sucks
- >It's Hearts and Hooves day in Equestria.
- >And by golly you're not a very happy camper.
- >You've hated Valentines day back home on Earth.
- >Not because of all the cards, and girls wanting to ask you out[spoiler]BAHAHAHAHA![/spoiler].
- >Heck, you didn't always hate the day.
- >No, its because its the only day of the year people always present you the bane of your existence.
- >Sweethearts.
- >No matter how many times you've told people, they always seem to forget the next year.
- >It is no different in this strange technicolor world inhabited by equines of small stature.
- >You've always politely declined them or threw them out when no one was looking.
- >People (and ponies) think its because you're a wet blanket, but its a bit more complex than that.
- >Currently you're sitting in your room at the palace doing what you do best.
- >Avoiding this dreadful holiday, and playing obscure board games with Moonbutt.
- "For someone who only started playing this game an hour ago, you sure know how to play."
- >"Anon, this game is much too simple. Why not play a more strategic game such as chess?"
- "Chess is way too mainstream Princess."
- >"What does that even mean?"
- "Nothing important, if this is too boring for you why don't we make it more interesting with a wager."
- >Luna scrunches her brow and stares at the board before looking back at you.
- >"Very well, what do you propose?"
- >Before you can reply there comes a knock on your door.
- >You do nothing hoping whoever it is goes away.
- >"Anon are you not going to answer it?"
- "Shh, if we just sit quiet they might go away."
- >Tip-toeing to the door you look through the peep hole and see a small purple pony princesses.
- >"Anon! I know you're in there. Princess Luna's guards only stay outside your door when she's over."
- "Go away, I'm in the middle of winning the game of the century."
- >"Is it that Bannanarama game again?"
- "It's called Fanorona, and yes it is."
- >"Oh please Anon, even if you had the slightest chance in winning, the score would still be twenty-two to zero in my favor."
- "Quiet you. Your streak will end soon."
- >The blueberry princess rolls her eyes.
- >You open the door because talking through one gets annoying for everyone.
- >Twilight looks up at you with the sweetest smile on her face.
- >"Cadance and Shining Armor are here for Hearts and Hooves day."
- "..."
- >She tilts her head to the side.
- >"Anon?"
- "And?"
- >"Princess Celestia and I were going to lunch with them and I wanted to invite you and Princess Luna to join us."
- "Why?"
- >"Well, its been a while since we've all talked together and I thought today would be the perfect opportunity."
- "We talked three weeks ago."
- >"It'll be fun."
- "Lemme think about tha-No."
- >Twilight isn't amused.
- >"What?! Why not?"
- "Because smartest purple princess, your brothers wife weirds me out."
- >Ever since she was introduced to you, Princess Cadance had this strange fascination with you.
- >Apparently as a Princess of Love, she needed to be experienced in all the possible methods to understand her job.
- >She enjoyed this aspect a little too much if you ask anyone.
- >You don't think there's any position, fetish, or creature (sentient or not) that she hasn't done.
- >The only exception thus far was you.
- >In the past couple months she's been trying to be real creative in order to get hanky-panky.
- >Inviting you to dinner, wife swapping (even though you have no wife), dressing in provocative outfits, etc.
- >Lately though she's been quiet since her last attempt.
- >"It was just that one time Anon, it was an honest mistake!"
- "How is slathering up yourself in gravy and presenting yourself as, in her own words, 'tonight's main course' an accident?"
- >Twilight's face scrunches up. Before she can say anything however Luna interrupts.
- >"Anon, we have not seen our niece in quite some time. It would mean the world to us if you partake."
- "And if I refuse?"
- >"We seem to recall that thou likes to wager; if we win you will be required to join us."
- "And if I win, I don't need to go and I get to ride on your back whenever I want for the next month."
- >She smiles with narrowed eyes.
- >"We agree to these terms."
- "Very well, Twilight watch and learn the genius of the human mind!"
- ----
- "I can't believe I lost"
- >You slouch while the three of you walk to the gardens.
- >Twilight nudges you with a wing with a smug grin.
- >"I can't believe you actually thought you could win."
- >Princess Luna trots in front of you with head held up high.
- >She smirks at you, "Anon, though I may have been away for a millennium my mind is still as sharp as ever."
- "Is that sharpness the reason why you still talk with an antiquated language that no one outside of theater speaks?"
- >Luna doesn't say anything as you turn the last corner before you're outside.
- >As the three of you get closer to the gazebo you spot Sunbutt, Armorbutt and Lovebutt sitting at a round table set for six.
- >Cadance ears perk up and she waves you over.
- >"Anon! Twilight! Princess Luna! Over here!"
- >You close your eyes and resist the urge to sigh as you walk up the small steps.
- >Cadance hops out of her seat and greets Twilight with their silly little schoolyard greeting.
- >Luna nods at her sister and takes the seat to her right.
- >The princess of day smiles at you as you take your seat next to Luna.
- >"Hello Anon. I hope your day has gone well."
- You narrow your eyes at Cadance who doesn't notice as she finishes up her dance and sits back down.
- "So far, lets hope it stays that way."
- >Lunch goes smoothly, well as smoothly as small daisy sandwiches and tea cakes can go for a human.
- >The topic of discussions don't really interest you since its mostly politics, friendship reports and other droll stuff.
- >Even Princess Luna is beginning to show the signs that she's already bored.
- >Probably because politics don't involve gallows, guillotines, or being drawn-and-quartered anymore.
- >Princess Cadance doesn't try anything during the entire duration so that's a plus.
- >She does throw a glance or two every couple minutes however.
- >An hour passes and things begin winding down.
- >As you stand up, Cadance speaks up.
- >"Anon, before you go I made you these.
- >She smiles as she levitates a small pouch over to you.
- >As you grab it and open it your eyes widen in horror.
- >No...
- >Not...those.
- >Not...candy hearts.
- "H-how is this possible?"
- >Cadance's smile never falters, "Twilight told me all about your world's version of Heart's and Hooves day."
- >Damn you Twilight, no more ear scratches for you.
- >That information was given in good faith.
- >"Well Anon, aren't you going to try one? I want to see if I made them right?"
- >You nervously smile trying to keep your composure.
- "Trust me Cadance if you made them right, we'd all know. Thanks for the hearts but I think I'll save them for later."
- >"Anon", Shining Armor speaks, "it would make my wife happy."
- "I'm...full?"
- >"You hardly ate anything."
- >Your eyes dart every direction scanning for any possible way out.
- "Uh..."
- >Cadance pouts, "B-but Anon, I made them special for you. I-I know you miss your world so I t-thought I c-c-coul-"
- >Oh god, she's starting to cry.
- >Shining Armor glares daggers at you, Twilight does the same.
- >Celestia just looks at you disappointingly.
- >You know, that disappointing look that makes you feel like a pile of shit.
- >"Anon, please eat the candy Cadance no doubt spent hours making them for you."
- >Twilight pipes up, "No more excuses this time."
- >Luna uses her magic to pick a heart up and floats it in front of your face.
- >"Anon. Eat the heart."
- >Et tu, Luna?
- >Looking at the heart it even has a little message on it.
- >"LoL"
- >Fucking piece of candy.
- >Looking around the table you gulp and accept your fate.
- >You know what's coming.
- >You open your mouth and the heart is placed on your tongue.
- >Ugh, she got the chalky-ness right and everything.
- >Twilight holds your mouth closed forcing you to swallow.
- >Well, its been a good run.
- >Anon swallows your heart just like you planned.
- >If you knew that faking tears would have worked, you would have done it ages ago.
- >In just a couple minutes he should fall unconscious and then you'll excuse yourself to take him to his room.
- >Oh you're going to do terrible terrible things for making you wait this long. Terrible and sexy things.
- >Maybe you'll use handcuffs. Oh! Oh! Even better, you've always wanted to give hoofing a try on males.
- >Though it may be a bit more difficult without a va-
- >"Anon? You don't look so good."
- >Broken out of your fantasy you look at Anon.
- >His face is all red and swollen and he's grasping at his neck.
- "Uh-oh."
- >"And so, let us all pay respect to our dear departed friend Anonymous the Human."
- >Aunty Luna is giving out a eulogy for Anon to a small reception.
- >She takes a pause and glances sadly at the open coffin before speaking again.
- >Anon's lifeless body still show signs of his incident with the loaded candy.
- >You didn't think that the drugs you added could have backfired this badly.
- >"It was cruel fate of an extreme allergic reaction to a candy heart that ended his life; but we should remember the-"
- >As the princess of the night continues, you drift into your own thoughts.
- >This was all your fault because of your obsession with rutting everything.
- >You can't possibly have your way with Anon now.
- >...
- >Or can you?
- >You begin to giggle. Others in the reception think you've lost your mind in grief.
- >Come to think of it, maybe you have.
- >Pushing that thought aside you begin to wonder what the fine is for necrophilia in Equestria.
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