Pathological Ruseman in Equestria - Chapter One

>Branches slap your face as you go crashing through the treeline, chasing after the fleeing bush.

>Vaulting over a low branch, you start to sweat.

>You had no idea where you were, and whoever pulled you out of that river was running.

"Hey, wait up!"

>You shout after the fleeing target.

>You're gaining on them, but the forest is so thick now that you're afraid you'll get get lost.

>Lost more than you are now.

>Today is a get dat fukken bush day.

 

>"Applebloom, over here!" You hear another young girl's voice shout up ahead.

>In response, whoever was in the bush jumps out and behind a large tree up ahead-

>Wait

>Did a tiny horse just jump out of that bush?

>And was it wearing that pink bow?

>wut

>Your mind races as you start to round the big tree

>Only to hear the woosh of a large branch being released from being pulled and held back.

>Oh, and it also slams straight into your face, knocking you flat on your back.

"Oof!"

>You hit the ground hard, and can almost picture little cartoon birds flying around your head.

>As you start to drift off into unconsciousness again, you hear approaching footsteps, and three young voices.

>"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS CREATURE CATCHERS, YAY!" The three shout in unison.

>That would be adorable if you weren't out cold.

>Your last thoughts are of how aborable that is as as you go out like a light.

 

>You awake some time later where you were when you were out.

>Back on the ground and staring up at the colourful forest canopy.

>Slowly, you get up, hissing with pain as you clutch your head.

>After a moment of gathering yourself up, you realise that you are alone.

>What was that thing, anyways?

>It was like a horse, or pony, you suppose.

>But it had that pink bow, and pink mane.

>Red mane.

>Was it pink, or red?

>"He's just up here, you'll see!"

>Oh god.

>Your thoughts are interrupted by the sound of one of the previous voices.

>It also sounded like they're heading this way.

>Not wanting to recieve another beating from tiny talking horses, you do what any rational person would do.

>You find the nearest tree and climb it as fast as you can.

 

>You climb a fair distance, wanting to distance yourself from who- whatever was coming.

>You wait, and watch in silence as below the horse-creature from before comes into view.

>Followed by two other tiny horses, and one bigger one.

>The closest thing these creatures looked like were ponies, but their muzzles weren't quite as long, and their faces were very human-like.

>...And the bigger one is wearing a hat.

>A cowboy hat.

>Upon seeing this, you decide that you have clearly gone insane, and it couldn't possibly get any stranger, so you might as well roll with it.

>"Well, where is this minotaur, then?" The bigger one said, with a southern accent, no less.

>It sounded like a female, and had an orange coat with a blond mane. Maybe it was these smaller ponies' mother?

>"It was jus' lying here a second ago, ah' swear!" The pony with the pink bow said, her voice raising in frustration.

>Her accent sounded alot like the bigger orange one, and it had a very light yellow coat.

>These two were probably related, you're sure.

 

>"It couldn't have gone far, it was out cold just a minute ago!" One of the other young ponies suggested in quite possibly the most adorable voice you've ever heard.

>It even had a voice crack near the end, which almost made you fall out of the tree from a heart attack.

>This one had a white coat and a mane with both pink and purple in it.

>And... a horn apparently.

>Huh. You guess unicorns are thing now.

>"So lemme get this straight." The orange cowboy pony started, doubt in her tone.

>"Ya'll found a minotaur in a river and dragged it out, then it jus' got up and chased ya'll here?"

>The third filly that was quiet up until now chimes in. "It was more like a bear, really."

>This one had an orange coat and purple mane.

>And wings, don't forget the wings, Anon.

>Thanks brain. Here we thought things couldn't get any more bonkers but ok.

 

>"But it couldn't have been a bear, all its fur was different colours, and its face was pink." The white filly retorts.

>"Maybe it really was a minotaur, just wearing a coat an' scarf!" The cream and pink filly says.

>Hey wait, they're talking about you.

>"Bear!"

>"Minotaur!"

>"Girls, please!" The big orange one cuts in. "Ya'll shouldn't be in the Everfree Forest anyways, there are dangerous creatures in these woods."

>Apparently tiny child ponies aren't the most dangerous things in these woods. Who knew.

>"But that's why we're here!" The white filly says. "To catch a creature and earn our creature catching cutie marks!"

>You have no idea what a cutie mark is, but it brings to mind this one girl you dated who got a tattoo every other month.

>"He wasn't so dangerous." The purple haired filly said proudly, puffing up her chest. "He went down like a wimp, when he fell into our trap!"

>Oh no she didn't.

>Brain, initiate plan "Fuck with puny pesky problematic ponies."

 

>You quietly lean forward from your hiding spot, so that you are as close to being right above the three fillies and cow-poni as you can get, and you whisper.

"It was a cheap shot."

>As you pull your head back into your hiding spot, in unison all three fillies begin screaming and race off in the direction they came.

>"What in tarnation-?!"

>Orange hatponi sticks around, looking in all directions, trying to find where you're hiding.

>"Who's there? Come out here!"

>Maybe these ponies aren't so dangerous after all. That one knocking you out was probably a fluke.

>Probably.

>Orangedumb stands still, trying to listen for you, only to give up and go off looking for the girls.

>Well, that was strange.

>Maybe now that they're gone, you can try and get out of this forest.

>Before you were panicking about being lost, but maybe it's not so bad.

>As you climb down from your hiding spot, you smile to yourself.

>Yeah, you can find your way out by yourself. This will be a peace of cake.

 

>THIS WAS ANYTHING BUT A PIECE OF CAKE

>You find yourself tearing through the forest once more, this time being chased by what seemed to be a gigantic lion with a scorpion's tail and bat wings.

>Not that these details concerned you while you ran for your life.

>Piece by piece, you tear off your winter clothing and toss it back over your shoulder.

>Maybe it will choke on a mitten or your scarf before it catches up to you.

>Fuck nature.