Title:           I'm sorry for my faggotry and thank you for seeing me.
Author:          Anonymous
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/8YX6HMdg
First Edit:      Wednesday 11th of July 2012 02:21:52 AM CDT
Last Edit:       Wednesday 11th of July 2012 02:21:52 AM CDT

Nobody will read this and nobody will care.
I write this letter to the void because the void is all I perceive.
 
So after that happy start lets get started.
That man playing the game yesterday was desperately trying to stop thinking. I try so hard to not think. Why, I know you are asking (I know you don't care). Why don't you think, what are you afraid of? I fear the buzzing I hear in my dreams. I fear myself, and my thoughts. When I go to sleep tonight I can guarentee that I'll very seriously consider killing myself on my 20th birthday. Two decades... two decades of myself. What a         horrible thing. Sometimes I ask myself if I'm a monster or I'm insane. And I    can't answer either. Some care, but nothing helps. Everything is distraction. I don't even bother to hurt myself, because pain is just an escape. I love to take pictures, if only because of the fragile fleeting memories. Putting my whole self into a sketch (very shitty sketchs) makes me see the confliction. Writing poetry excacerbates my thoughts. Reading, drowning in words, is losing the battle. I feel alone in my family. I influence so many things, but all are with a mask. I must be a coward to consider killing myself. I find myself becoming attracted to the drink. How weak I am. Seeking the fleeting fog to dull my mind from it's circles of thoughts is just a distraction. I can't talk of my future with anyone without pulling the mask down. The velvet black curtain flys tall and proud against the sun of hope. I cannot see. I don't know why I bother living anymore, for that is all I am doing... being alive. But I'm a coward and afraid of change. You don't care, you who read these poison spots. I'm just another pain in the comglomerate collective of humanity. The writhing screams of sorrow are deaf to you for that is all you see. I work and help kids study the holy book, they see me as familiar. They see my mask. I have let it slip a few times. And I received silence. Here is where I feel free. Free to help and absorb. Free to create and be a leech. A leech. What a concept. That which takes from others, while providing nothing. I try so hard to not be the burden. So I say yes. I put myself out there, availible, and free from complication or charge. But then I fuck up somehow. I let this shine through. This dirty.... I'd give away all the money in my pocket to a stranger if they only ask. Why? No one cares why am I still writing this. I won't edit this either. I wcan't remove my rambling to myself. Money holds no value to me if it doesn't have a purpose, it's just a tool. So why wouldn't I give it away... If I didn't give it away I'd horde it. What have I truley helped a man with?
My friend who I showed the path is losing his light. And I'm desperately afraid for his soul. His. His is the top priority, not any of my other friends. Even though I hold those people as close to me ask I do him. I am a horrible person. How much do I have to hate a person to not tell them what I truly believe.... Apparently not at all. Why am I here? I go and escape through my wanderings in the world. No purpose just wander. I half hope I die there. They tell me I'm smart. But I cheated and didn't do most of my highschool education. They bought me a GED study guide, (I was homeschooled from 2nd to 12th) but I passed the GED without even opening the book once. I am a waste. I am conceited too. I like how I look, and I'm comfortable with my body. I know my limits and I push them. But I don't care either. I lets what happens happen. I put on 20 pounds last year. But this year I've lost 5. I continue to grow. I am taller by 4 inches this year. But I don't care. This shell is a waste on this pessimistic failure. But I won't do anything about it. Because I'm a coward.
I'm reckless and I see no value in being what society considers an adult. Fuck me.
Thank you for indulging this man in his petty games. I don't want, or do I... I don't know, but fuck it. unknownthinkers@aim.com Tell me to kill myself.
 
 
TLDR; I suck, thank you for seeing me.