Title: (story stuff) The concept is likable and the premise promises what I figure w Author: Anonymous Pastebin link: http://pastebin.com/jGNjSpbR First Edit: Tuesday 22nd of April 2014 01:52:58 PM CDT Last Edit: Tuesday 22nd of April 2014 01:52:58 PM CDT (story stuff)   The concept is likable and the premise promises what I figure will eventually be delivered--an RD/Dumbbell ship that hinges upon the latter character's complexity. Something we aren't used to/wouldn't expect of him. It's interesting.   The first scene/chapter establishes that so I would call it a success. However I think more of a conflict between RD/Dumbbell would've made for a stronger scene.   >But at this point there was nothing she could do to claim her prize, without making a scene at least.   But, I mean.. that's kind of what you want to do here. Even if she doesn't call him out she could ask why someone like him would want that book anyway. Raise the question, he'll say "fuck you," we'll hate him a little bit more but in the end think "yeah, that WAS a good question."   Conflict and character.   Still a solid first chapter.     (technical stuff)     >Rainbow Dash groaned as she forced herself not to fidget in the chilly december morning air, on a Manehattan sidewalk packed full of ponies from nose to tail.   Omit extra space after groaned. Capitalize December. Consider two sentences here for clarity.   >Well because the release of the latest, greatest, in the most sensational adventure series ever coincided   Missing a word (book/installment/chapter)?   >...on the very same day!  Daring Do and the Crypt of the Dark King.   Consider use of colon, moving ! to end.   >in honor of the renovation and grand re-opening of of the very first bookstore in the city.   Two of's   >“Come on, come on, this line feels like it’s getting slower!” she muttered.   Exclamation point conflicts with 'muttered'   >A blistery breeze rustled through Dash’s mane and feathers, shivering she tightened the scarf around herself.   Comma splice.   >An audible groan rose from the line of ponies, some were more audible with their displeasure and a few others got out of line entirely.   Comma splice. Repetition 'audible'.   > She touched down right in front of the stallion, thrusting her nose straight into his face, her rainbow mane obscured his vision and made him recoil in surprise.   Last comma reads like a splice but really you should just maintain the active tense from her perspective in a new sentence.   >Dash eventually dragged herself into view, seeing Pinkie in a perpetual bounce amused her like a kitten to a ball of yarn.   This one hung me up for a while. Is it a splice?   >“What makes you think I’m moping”   +?   >Dash smirked. Her friend was right.  She had even told Twilight...   Omit extra space after second sentence.   >“Yeah you’re right. I wasn’t able to get one.” she groaned. “Now I’ve got to wait another three and a half months for the official release!” A distraught feeling washed over her and she rolled over on her back like a defeated animal. “I don’t know if I can stand this wait! It's gonna kill me!"   Commas before and after initial dialogue tag. You really shouldn't 'groan' words. You should paragraph 'A Distraught feeling..." In moments of dialogue, actions or physical beats are used sparingly but help in directing the reader while they 'listen'. You can hedge them like you did two paragraphs earlier (Pinkie seemed to jump higher with every other word) but if you find yourself chopping dialogue multiple times in one paragraph, just make a new one with that physical beat.   >“You weren’t the only pony from here to go to the opening were you? Maybe you’ll get lucky and run into someone else who got it.” said Pinkie Pie. She then gasped and crouched low to the ground. “Oh no! Or maybe you shouldn’t try to find other ponies who have the book. I forgot, spoilers!”   Don't forget commas before dialogue tags UNLESS you use a physical beat instead. Here you could go ("...," Pinkie said. "...") OR ("...." She then gasped and crouched low to the ground. "...")   We're aware it's Pinkie replying, so you don't even have to tag her here.   >“Woah woah woah, Pinkie! I think thats just a tad on the extreme side!” Dash chuckled. “I’ll be fine, don’t worry.” she shrugged. “It’s just a book.”  She tried putting up a strong front, then she tapped her chin.  “But you just gave me an idea!”   You did it here. Unfortunately several times. Combine some of those into one beat or do a little paragraphing.     (other stuff)   You used like 72 exclamation points here. They should be used sparingly and for good effect; your dialogue should be strong enough to tell us that someone is excited or angry or tense without their use.   You don't need to attribute thought to your POV character. You indicate we're in RD's perspective so any internalized responses will be seen as her thoughts--of course there could be situations where it really isn't clear (then you're fine). Think of it like dialogue. If we know who it belongs to, don't tag it.   Similarly you don't need to italicize thought half the time. You can use it, once again, for effect, but if used merely to signify thought it will end up looking bad and you will lose the ability to use them for effect later.   Overall I think you can paragraph better--especially during dialogue. Paragraphing is a tool used (and again) for effect. Use it to attribute importance to certain actions, certain details and dialogue of course. You create positions of power (last sentences, first sentences) and direct readers by your design when you do this. At least for dialogue, think about which actions coincide with and enhance it. Does 'squinting in confusion' enhance a clearly confused line? Probably not.. Does your story have more atmosphere when you point out an "audible groan" after someone brings about some bad news? Of course.       Anyway that's all I have for now. A lot of it is minor--some bigger things to consider. I assume a lot of this stuff fades away 30,000 words later. It's just minor.