Stooges in Equestria

And now for something completely different--the first greentext story I ever wrote on 4chan/mlp/.  Unlike the other stories, this was written "on-the-fly", as opposed to being thought out; I sort of made it up as I went along.  Enjoy...

 

STOOGES IN EQUESTRIA (by me, March 16, 2012)

 

>"Oh, Twilight," Fluttershy enters the library.

>"Yes?" Twilight asks, looking up from the book she was reading.

>"Um, I found more humans. Like Anon, but different..."

>"More? How many more?"

>"Umm, three." Fluttershy turns and calls out the door, "You can come in now..."

>Three humans, shorter than Anon and dressed in somewhat older clothes, try to enter the door at once.

>They don't fit.

>They try again.

>They still don't fit.

>"Recede!" the middle one with the bowl haircut says, and enters the library.

>The one with the shaven head gestures for the frizzy-haired one to go ahead.

>The shaven one enters last, but does not duck and knocks his head against the doorframe.

>He reels a bit, then turns and... barks... at the door frame.

>"Hello... hello... hello..." They sing.

 

>"Er, hello," Twilight replies, a little uncertainly.

>All three appear startled. "Look fellas, another talking horse," says the shaven-headed one.

>Twilight bristles. "Actually, we're ponies."

>"You heard the yellow one, didn't cha? What are you, ignorant?" the bowl-cut one demands of his companion, slapping him in the face.

>The shaven-headed one one waves his hand back and forth in front of bowl-cut, then raises his hand up in the air and barks at him.

>Bowl-cut responds by making a V with two fingers and jabbing them at shave-heads eyes.

>Shave-head blocks with his hand. "Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk," and sticks his tongue out at bowl-cut.

>Bowl-cut punches him in the chin, causing him to bite his tongue.

>Frizz-head points and laughs at this, but stops abruptly when bowl-cut eye-pokes him.

>"STOP THAT!" Twilight yells, losing patience with this quickly.

>Even Anon never acted so gracelessly in front of ponies.

 

>"You heard the lady, act like gentlemen!" Says bowl-cut.

>"Gentlemen!" Shout the other two in enthusiastic agreement. All three adopt theatrically thoughtful poses.

>At least they're quiet now.

>"My name is Twilight Sparkle."

>"Enchanted," says bowl-cut.

>"Enraptured," says frizzy-head.

>"Embalmed," says shaven-head. Bowl-cut smacks him in the back of the head.

>"Please!!" Twilight yelps, hoping to forestall another fight. "What are your names?"

>"I'm Moe," says bowl-cut.

>"I'm Larry," says frizzy-head.

>"I'm hungry," says shaven head.

>Moe slaps him in the head again. "Didn't you hear the pony? Introduce yourself!"

>Shaven-head bristles at Moe. "Why I oughtta..."

>Moe places his fists on his hips and stares down his associate. "You oughtta what?"

>Shaven-head seems to deflate.  "I oughtta introduce myself. Hi, I'm Curly." He gives Twilight a little wave.

>Twilight, seizing on one thing she can make sense of, asks Fluttershy to go get Pinkie Pie to bring the humans something to eat.

>As Fluttershy leaves, Spike comes downstairs.

>"Whoa, more of them? Who're these guys?" he asks.

>"A talking lizard!" Larry exclaims.

>Spike bristles. "Dragon!"

>Moe grabs Larry's nose with one hand and smacks his hand. Larry yelps and clutches his abused nose.

>"Mind your manners," Moe admonishes him.

>Facehoof.jpg

 

>Twilight has questions and needs answers.

>"How did you get here?" she asks.

>The three humans look at each other in apparent confusion.

>They go into a huddle.

>They whisper amongst themselves.

>They come out of the huddle.

>Moe opens his mouth to speak.

>"We don't know," says Curly.

>Moe bops him in the stomach, causing him to double over.

>Moe follows up by slapping him in the head.

>"Listen you!" yelps Curly in evident irritation.

>Twilight finds herself wishing that whatever random inter-dimensional hole is causing this would dry up already.

>"Do you have to do that EVERY BUCKING TIME I ASK YOU A QUESTION?" She yells.

>She immediately blushes at her own language.

>"We could do this instead," Larry offers, launching into a soft-shoe dance and spouting nonsense words.

>"A-voo-voo-voo-voo! Razz-a-matazz..."

>Moe ends Larry's performance by stomping on his foot.

>Enough is enough. Twilight whispers into her assistant's ear.

>"Spike, go get Applejack. Quickly. Tell her to bring her lassos."

>"I'm on it!" Spike salutes and runs out the door.

>"Now, please, relax," Twilight tries to end the scuffle that has broken out. They ignore her

>More volume needed.

>"I said, relax!"

>The fight pauses, the three humans looking at her, while still prepared to strike.

>Volume at 11.

>"I SAID RELAX!"

>Not a bad imitation of the Royal Canterlot Voice.

>The three humans fall over on their backs.

>"Not that relaxed!"

>They scramble to their feet again.

>At least Twilight has their attention.

>She thinks, trying to pick words that won't result in another fight...

 

>Maybe if she indulged their curiosity.

>"So, do you have any questions for me?" Twilight asks brightly.

>"How long is a Chinaman?" asks Curly.

>Moe slaps him.

>"Does ice cream have bones?" asks Larry.

>Moe slaps him.

>"I meant," Twilight growls, "do you have any PERTINENT questions?"

>"Yeah! Where's the food? I'm still hungry..." Curly says.

>Facehoof.png

>Twilight's mane is starting to look a mess.

>"Oh, you're hungry, eh?" says Moe.

>"Yeah, I haven't had a bite all day!"

>Moe places his fists on his hips again.

>"Is that so?"  Curly nods.

>Moe seizes one of Curly's hands and bites his finger.

>"Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!" Curly exclaims.

>Larry unwisely attempts to intervene.

>"Hey, leave him alone, he's only hungry."

>"Shuddup," Moe grabs a handful of Larry's frizzy hair. "We're all hungry."

>Cue Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy.

>Pinkie Pie has brought a cart-full of food with her.

>A cart full of pies.

>"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie. Fluttershy told me someone here was hungry! I brought extra, so we could have a Welcome-To-Equestria Party!"

 

You hear that sound? The approaching train-wreck?

 

>"Oh boy, eats!" Exclaims Curly joyously.He picks up a pie.

>Moe takes it away from him and puts it back on the cart.

>"Mind your manners, we haven't been asked yet."

>"But I'm starving!'

>"Don't worry," says Pinkie Pie, "I brought plenty for everyone!"

>Moe turns around and Curly quietly picks up another pie behind his back.

>"Oh GOSH!," Pinkie exclaims, her eyes lighting up, "There's THREE of you this time?"

>"Unfortunately..." Twilight grumbles, grinding her teeth.

>"Wow, this is EXTRA-SUPER-DUPER SPECIAL then! I'm gonna go get my Welcome Wagon!"

>With that, Pinkie zips out of the library in a pink blur.

>Moe finally notices Curly nibbling on his pie.

>"Mind your manners I said,"

>He hits the pie from below, flipping it up into Curly's face.

>"Hey! I was eating that!"

>"Oh were you?" says Moe.

>"Yeah!"

>"Well here," Moe picks up a pie, "have another!" He throws the pie at Curly.

>Curly ducks.

>Pie sails cleanly over his head.

>Direct hit on Twilight Sparkle.

>Status of Twilight's jimmies: RUSTLED.

>Mane completely frizzy now.

 

>"Hey, stop that," says Larry, "You're wasting the food!"

>"Oh yeah?" says Moe.

>Moe picks up another pie and goes to throw it at Larry.

>Larry covers his face with his hands and crouches down.

>Moe crouches down next to him.

>"Oh, Larry," says Moe.

>Larry uncovers his face. "Yes?"

>Moe shoves the pie into Larry's face.

>Moe stands back up.

>Curly has acquired another pie, and pushes it into Moe's face.

>Cue Rarity.

>"Darling, I heard we had some more visitors!"

>Larry throws a pie at Moe.

>Moe dodges the pie.

>Pie scores direct hit on Rarity.

>"Oh... It. Is. ON!"

>Rarity magics a pie into the air with her horn and propels it at Larry.

>Larry dodges the pie.

>Twilight Sparkle, has just finished cleaning pie out of her eyes.

>Ker-SPLAT!

>Rustling jimmies reach critical mass.

>Twilight Sparkle evolves into Rapidash...

>"I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!"

>Twilight magics several pies into the air.

>Shit just got real.

 

>Pies, pies everywhere.

>The library floor is now a slippery, gooey mess.

>Discord would have been mightily proud and shed many a manly tear if he could see this.

>Applejack runs up outside the library carrying Spike on her back and three lassos.

>Pinkie Pie arrives outside the library at the same time, Welcome Wagon (patent pending) in tow.

>Utter bedlam inside the library.

>"Land sakes!  What in tarnation is going on inside there sugar cube?"

>"Oh, three more humans showed up!  Like Anon, only shorter.  And sillier."  Pinkie Pie giggles.

>"Now how am I going to get my Welcome Wagon through the door?"

>A loud crash and Twilight's frantic yelling are heard inside the library.

>"Let's go Applejack,” says Spike, “Twilight sounds pretty ticked off in there!"

>"Alright pardner," Applejack replies.

>They enter the war zone formerly known as the Ponyville Library.

>Both are instantly pied.

>Applejack wipes pie off her face.

>She grabs one of her lassos.

>"Alright, that's it!  Party's over!"

>She plunges into the fray.

>In a short time, she has subdued and tied up all three of the strange humans.

>Fluttershy, having avoided being covered in pie by the simple expedient of hiding under Twilight's bed, cools Twilight off by upending a bucket of water over her.

>Twilight plops onto her rump and stares, aghast, at the gigantic mess in the library.

 

>Twilight sets her jaw, stands up and marches over to the three tied up humans.

>"I have just one thing to say to you clowns..."

>Twilight draws back one hoof and slaps all three of them in the head with one stroke.

>"Applejack, please get these knuckleheads OUT OF MY LIBRARY!!"

>"You got it Twi."

>Applejack starts to drag them to the door.

>CRASH!

>Everyone, pony and human, looks at the source of the noise.

>Pinkie Pie has brought in the Welcome Wagon by using the same (formerly-patched-up) entrance made by Tom several months ago.

>She grins like a maniac, and holds up one hoof.

>"Pinkie, NO!" cries Twilight Sparkle.

>Too late.

>Pinkie smacks a large red button on the side of her wagon.

>Wagon shudders.

>Flags wave, horns toot, music begins.

>"Welcome, welcome, welcome..."

 

And now, gentle reader, we shift our POV back outside the library.

 

>As the fanfare ends, cake batter suddenly bursts from every door, window and hole in the Library tree.

>Inside, five ponies, one dragon, and three humans sit in the middle of what is probably the tastiest scene of devastation ever in Equestria's history.

>Everyone, human, pony and dragon, is covered in cake batter.

>"I really should label those loading chutes..."

 

EPILOGUE

 

>Evening in Ponyville.

>Anon returns from exploring with his best bro (and more), Rainbow Dash.

>See lights still on in Library.

"Wow, Twilight is really burning the midnight oil. Must be studying something important."

>"Yeah," says Rainbow with a grimace, "Like the life-cycle of Equestrian butterflies or something."

>Decide to pay her a visit.

>Step into library, and without even bothering to look around,

"Hey Twilight! Did anything interesting happen while I was away exploring today?"

>Five grumpy ponies and one grouchy dragon look up from their cleaning.

"What the ever-loving fuck happened in here?"

>Both you and Rainbow Dash pied multiple times.

 

 

Dear Princess Celestia,

 

Some human customs are very, very strange.  Beyond my comprehension, even.  I don't think I will be able to so much as look at a pie for at least a month.

 

On a related note, please ask the Royal Canterlot Magical Research Academy to hurry up on that inter-dimensional spell they were working on to send Anon back home.

 

Don't worry, it's not for Anon.  Details to follow.

 

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

 

 

 

Finis.

 

Thanks for reading!