Title:           PONIES THINK ANON MAKES A GREAT SALT LICK
Author:          AngryWino
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/1w0L8KC3
First Edit:      Wednesday 3rd of May 2017 05:45:08 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Last edit on: Wednesday 3rd of May 2017 05:55:11 PM CDT

PONIES THINK ANON MAKES A GREAT SALT LICK
 
>That feel when you discover that pony Apple cider is far too weak to get you drunk
>Unless you drink so much of it that you could stand in the town square and piss in the next county over.
>You explain your problem to a random pony in the bar one night.
>She offers you a block of salt.
>Glare at her.
"Does absolutely nothing for me. I sweat that stuff."
>She gulps. "R-really?"
>You've been working and have a good sweat on.
"Yeah, really."
>Roll up your sleeve and show her your sweaty arm.
>Tentatively, she leans in and sniffs it.
>Then she licks your arm.
"Hey! What the- GROSS!"
>You try to pull your arm away.
>She grabs your arm and licks faster.
>"Oh yeah, mmm, that's some good stuff there, mmm..."
"Shit's creeping me out, yo..."
>Feel two hooves and a tongue on your other arm.
>Ponies start mobbing you.
>You try to escape.
>You get tackled and forced to the floor.
>Ponies rip your shirt off.
>They are really going to town on you.
>Bartender finally breaks it up and kicks you out because you're lousing up his sales.
>Ponies really like salt, apparently.
 
------
 
>Pinkie Pie invites you over to bake stuff one day.
>Becuase she's Pinkie, why else.
>As you enter the kitchen, she already has the ovens preheating.
"Hot in here, isn't it?"
>"Gotta have heat to bake cakes!" She replies enthusiastically.
>Meh, fair point.
>She reads the recipe and fetches and measures ingredients while you mix the batter.
>"You're so good at this, Nonny!"
>Between the heat and the physical activity you're working up a good sweat too.
>Getting in shape since you came to Magic Talking Tiny Horse Land.
"Okay, what's the next ingredient?"
>"It's salt, silly!"
>>In a lightning move, she lifts up your shirt tail, shoves her head under your shirt, and begins licking your back.
>itsatrap.jpg
>You set the bowl of batter and the mixing spoon down as carefully as you can before Wrestlemania XLII breaks out between you and Pinkie Pie.
"Dammit Pinkie!"
>She wraps her hooves around you in a grip like iron.
"Stop that!"
>You try to push her off as her surprisingly long and flexible tongue roams all over your torso.
"That's gross!"
>"Don't stop me now, Nonny! Oh, you taste so good! Mmmm..."
>You grab the sprayer from the pot sink and begin spraying her with it.
"Lemme go!"
>"Relax! Pinkie has you now!"
>You finally resort to using spatulas to pry the now soaking wet and inebriated pony off of you.
>With a sigh, you readjust your clothing, pick her up, and carry her upstairs.
>You towel her off as she keeps slurring drunken come-on lines to you.
>"No one else has to know about us,"
>You put her to bed to sleep it off, then head back downstairs to clean up.
>Dammit Pinkie.
 
------
 
>Word gets around that you leak salt when you sweat.
>Multiple invitations to the gym.
>Ponies knocking incessantly on your door on sunny days.
>It isn't even estrus season, dammit!
>Really prefer to make your living in some fashion other than being a drug dealer to ponies.
>Decide to appeal to higher authority.
>Write a letter to Princess Celestia explaining the problem and asking for help.
>Get Spike to send it because he's a total bro and doesn't care for salt that way anyhow.
>The very next day, a knock on your door.
>Check through the peephole.
>Royal visitors.
>You open your door, welcoming Princess Celestia and Princess Luna to your humble abode.
>Wishing you had tidied up a bit first.
>Celestia and Luna graciously accept the limited hospitality you are able to offer, and ask you to describe your problem in greater detail.
>As you're talking, it seems to be getting very warm.
>Lots of sunshine coming in through the windows.
>Princess Luna politely asks you to remove your shirt, so that she and her sister can analyze the problem properly.
>Of course you comply.
>Seized by powerful magic.
>"You understand that this is for the good of Equestria."
>They hold you down, licking you all over until they are both quite intoxicated.
>"We shall resume our observations after a short recess."
>Both pass out.
>In your home.
>Seriously consider legging it out of there and never returning.
>But you are far too gracious a host for that.
>Get dressed, and make them some coffee for when they finally wake up.
>Sun is still shining through your window in the middle of the night.
>Twilight Sparkle knocks on your door.
>"ANONYMOUS! What in Equestria have you done this time?"
>Sure.
>Like this is your fault somehow.
 
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