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Asshole in Equestria: How not to visit an amusement park

By: An_Irish_Nomad on Oct 31st, 2012 | syntax: None | size: 12.50 KB | hits: 326 | expires: Never

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>Year 5 in goddamn p0nyland
>You open your eyes to find a griffon sprawled across your chest. This had been a common occurrence for a while now.
>No regrets…
>You raise your head, ready to chuck Gilda off you, when suddenly the world explodes inside your head.
“Oh god, I regret everything!”
>”Aw, did my wittle anon have too much to drinky-winky last night?”
“If I wasn’t paralysed with pain, you’d be in for a world of hurt…
>You clutch your head in agony, as Gilda makes herself more comfortable. “Quit bitching like a little filly.”
“It feels like Derpys performing brain surgery on me with a rusty fork. Please, just kill me already…”
>”But then who would I have to get drunk with, and occasionally get fucked into Tartarus?”
>You respond with a groan, turning over and burying your head in the mass of pillows.
“Go… go hang out with Rainbow Dyke or something, I don’t even fucking care.”
>”Nu-uh!”
>Gilda hauls you out of bed, and you begin to shamble to the bathroom.
“I need a goddamn shower.” You complain, stomach reeling from the sudden movement.
>”Want me to join you?”
“If you feel like getting vomited on, be my fucking guest.”
>Gilda ignores you and instead stretches out on the bed, hogging the warmth you left imprinted on the mattress.
>You slam the door shut, turn the shower dial to as cold as possible, and huddle under the shiver inducing stream for about half an hour.
>When you finally think you’re fit and able to walk, you haul yourself out, briskly drying yourself off.
>You open the bathroom door, and throw yourself back onto the bed, causing Gilda to squawk in surprise.
>”Asshole! I was trying to sleep!”
“That’s fascinating.” You mutter, easing yourself into a more comfortable position. Gilda sticker tongue out at you, before hopping onto the end of the bed, and preening herself.
“Stay still and I’ll do that.”
>”Oh, so you finally offer to do it…”
“I’m feeling generous Gildy, don’t push your luck.”
>Gilda rolls her eyes before inching over to you, looking away as your hands go to work on her wings.
>”This is so stupid.”
“You don’t complain when I put my hands in other parts of your body, why the hell are you moaning now?”
>”You don’t get preening… it’s a really personal thing. If somebody saw you doing this to me it’d be the talk on the streets for days.”
“Oh yeah, because we totally haven’t done stuff that’s worse.”
>”I don’t need to be remi-“
“Let’s see: In the time we’ve been together we’ve been told off 8 times for making sweet, messy love in public, I punched Fluttershy in the kidney, you set the school on fire, I banged your best friend, and we collectively drove Lyra to get a sex change.”
>”He prefers to be called Guyra now.”
“Noted. Anyway, the moral of the story is shut the fuck up and let me molest your wings.”
>Gilda huffs, but doesn’t resist as you continue to preen her.
>You finish your job and plant a kiss on her cheek, chuckling as she stifles a blush.
“So, whose day shall we go and ruin now?”
>”Actually, I was thinking we could go to the amusement park that just set up outside town. Y’know, have a normal day out as a couple.”
>You and Gilda stare at each other, before simultaneously bursting into laughter.
“Normal couple? You’re killing me Gilda!” you howl.
>”I’m sorry Anon, I couldn’t resist!” she replies, tears streaming down her face.
>You continue to laugh together, before collapsing onto each other.
“Oh God, I can’t breathe…” you wheeze, before giggling again.
>Gilda just smiles down at you. “But seriously, we should go to this park thing. You never know, it might be fun.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”
>Gilda moves to get off you and you hold her back down, as she raises an eyebrow.
>”What?”
“I just wanted to say… you’re cute when you think you’re funny.”
>”Is those one those “compliments” I hear of, but never get to experience?”
“It’s as close as you’ll get Gilda, so enjoy it.” You chuckle, before planting a kiss on her beak and wrapping her in a tight hug.
>You rarely allowed yourself to have such tender moments like this, and you felt Gilda relax in your embrace.
>After a few quiet minutes, you break off the hug and ruffle the feathers at the top of her head, knowing she hated it when you did that.
“Alright then, let’s head to this kiddie carnival thing…”
“Holy fucking unicorn shit!”
>”Keep the swearing down, there’s fillies nearby!”
“Fuck that! I want to go on that ride! And that one! And all of them! Take my bits, TAKE THEM!”
>”I swear to Celestia, you are a fucking child.”
“That makes you a paedophile then.”
>Gilda rolls her eyes in frustration. “Just… let’s go on the rollercoaster. Why are you so excited all of a sudden, anyway? You don’t even get this in bed.”
“That’s a harsh thing to say, and definitely untrue. I’m just excited because I haven’t been to one of these things since I was a little kid: Young and innocent, oblivious to the various horrifying sex ordeals I would undergo in the future.”
>”Do you hear that? Sounds like a small-dicked monkey who doesn’t want a certain griffon to ever dress up in his favourite maid costume, ever again.”
“Have I ever told you how beautiful your eyes are?”
>”Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
>You follow Gilda over to the rollercoaster, reluctantly paying the entry fee on Gilda’s request, and get into a cart with her.
“If I get any more excited then my dick is going to jump right outta my pants!” you whisper as the cart begins to make its ascent.
>”If your dick jumps out of your pants, then you’re jumping off this cart.”
“Gee Gilda, don’t be such a bitch. We’ve had sex in weirder places.”
>”Don’t remind me, please.”
>As the cart reaches the top of the slope, you get an idea.
“Hey, watch this.”
>You snort, before spitting a globule of spit which arcs towards the crowd below.
>”Ew!” screams a filly with a tiara cutie mark. “Ewewewewew!”
“Flawless Victory!”
>”You’re an asshole, you know that?”
“No actually, thanks for pointing that out. My life is changed forev-Whoa!”
>The cart rushes down the slopes, cutting you off.
>You hurtle along the track, whistling and cooing. Gilda’s face goes white as the ride goes on, her eyes shut tightly and her claws gripping the handrail in an unbreakable vice.
“What’s wrong Gilda!” you taunt, giggling when she refuses to respond.
>Eventually the ride draws to an end and Gilda shakily hops off, eyes staring blankly ahead as she rushes towards the female toilet.
“So wait, she’s fine when doing that shit in the air but when it comes to doing in on the ground, suddenly it’s all wide stares and vomit? I don’t even…”
>”Hey asshole!”
>You turn round smiling, as a suited earth pony strides over to you. “Did you just spit on my daughter?”
“No idea what you’re talking about.”
>”Listen wise guy, you don’t want to mess with a guy like me.”
“And you do not want to fuck with me, either. Y’see, I have a reputation, just like you do. You’re a disgusting, greedy waste of oxygen and I am the guy who ruins people’s days. I’d love to wipe that smirk as I beat you round like a hooker who owes me money, before I bend you over and use your daughter’s tears as lube to fuck you in the ass. Sound like a plan, or do you have other places to be?”
>The earth pony gulps, before backing off quickly.
“Yeah, I though so.”
>”I can’t leave you for more than two minutes without you getting into trouble, can I.”
>You turn round to Gilda, who seemed to have regained her composure.
“I thought that’s why you loved me, sweetheart.”
>”No, I’m in for the money.”
“Good thing I pre-emptively cut you out of my will.”
>You and Gilda smile at each other, before she motions towards the hotdog stall.
“Hungry, huh? Even after you pussied out on that ride?”
>”I could go through Tartarus and still eat your ass into the ground, Anon.”
“Yeah, whatever… hey, watch this!”
>While the stall worker digs around in a bag, you lean over and grab two piping hot-dogs.
>”You never will change, will you.”
“Hey, I was taking the initiative.”
>”No, you’re stealing.”
“Don’t take the moral high-ground here! You’re the one fucking outside your own species!”
>”I… what? No!”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
>”Fuck you Anon. You’re definitely not getting laid today.”
”Maybe not with you, anyway…”
>Gilda suddenly pounces at you, pinning you to the ground.
>”Don’t. Joke. About. That.”
“Fuck, dammit! Get off me Gilda!”
>”No!”
“Look! I may be an asshole through and through, but shit… I would never do that Gilda. Even I have some morals. You know I wouldn’t cheat on you.”
>Gilda blinks, before hopping off uneasily. “Of course… Sorry Anon.”
“Don’t turn into an apologetic sack of shit. I went too far, I’ll know not to make jokes about that in the future.” You give your most deathly glare to the on looking p0nies, before scooping your hotdog off the ground.
“Great, now my hotdog is ruined… wait, is that Lyra?” You point towards a mint-green stallion that was approaching from a carousel.
>”You mean Guyra.”
“Oh yeah, the whole “sex change due to emotional trauma” thing, I forgot about that. Hey, Guyra!”
>Guyra cautiously walks over to you.
>”What the buck do you want?”
“I will pay you 20 bits if you take this hotdog, and eat it exactly how I tell you to.”
>”Huh?”
“20 bits. Exact orders. Easy money.”
>”Er, ok then…?”
>Guyra levitates the hotdog to his open mouth, eyebrow raised questioningly.
>”Now what?”
“Take the hotdog in slowly… then take it back out. Close your eyes as well.”
>Guyra hesitates, before following your instructions to a T, unwittingly deep-throating the hotdog in front of giggling p0nies.”
>”For the love of Celestia… here, just take the bits Guyra.” Gilda shoves a bag of coins into the confused stallion, who then promptly walks off.
“Fucks sake Gilda, why kill the fun early?”
>”Didn’t you mention those fancy “morals” a minute ago, right before you tried to publicly embarrass a p0ny whose life you ruined?”
“I said I had some morals. Not many, some. Just enough to keep me out of hell, not enough to count me as a decent human being.”
>Gilda shakes her head, covering her eyes with a caw, before sighing.
>”Let’s… let’s just go on the damn Ferris Wheel and then go home. I get the feeling that you don’t like it when I drag you out to these places.”
“What on earth gave you that idea? I just fucking love these places.”
>”Yeah, I believe you.”
>Gilda pays for both of you onto the ride, which gently ascends you high above p0nyville.
“Hey, I can see Rainbow Dash in the shower from here.”
>”R-really?”
“No, but it’s cute when you get a wingboner.”
>Gilda blushes, her wings slowly unfolding, and you lean in to kiss her neck.
>”Dammit Anon… you always get your way…” she moans, as your hand trails down her back.
“Of course I do.”
>Gilda’s eyes suddenly take on a mischievous look, a look that sends off alarm bells inside your brain.
“Gilda…?”
>She suddenly jumps out, hovering in the air just above the ferris wheel.
>”I’ll meet you at the house honey! Don’t take too long, or I’ll start without you!”
“NO, YOU CAN’T DO THIS! I’M WARNING YOU!”
>Gilda blows a mock kiss at you, before swopping down into p0nyville, quickly losing you.
“God dammit! Blue-balling bitch…”
>”Hey Anon…”
>You snap round as Rainbow Dash lands in the carriage.
“What are you doing here?”
>”I saw you were a bit caught up, and though you might appreciate a helping hoof. I’ll fly you down, free of charge.”
>…
“Fine… what do you want me to do with you…”
>”Everything…” she whispers lustily, a volcanic blush etched into her face.
“I can’t guarantee Gilda will be happy.”
>”It’s me: she’ll be fine with it. Do you not remember your super special birthday present?”
“I remember alcohol, a cold shower and lots of crying.”
>You share a chuckle, before climbing onto Rainbow’s back.
“You know, I’ve always want to say something in a time like this.”
>”Which is?”
“GO FORTH MY STEED! THERE BE BOOTY TO PLUNDER!”
>”You’re an asshole, Anon.”
“And don’t you forget it.”

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>Year 5 in goddamn p0nyland 
>You open your eyes to find a griffon sprawled across your chest. This had been a common occurrence for a while now. 
>No regrets…
>You raise your head, ready to chuck Gilda off you, when suddenly the world explodes inside your head.
“Oh god, I regret everything!” 
>”Aw, did my wittle anon have too much to drinky-winky last night?”
“If I wasn’t paralysed with pain, you’d be in for a world of hurt…
>You clutch your head in agony, as Gilda makes herself more comfortable. “Quit bitching like a little filly.”
“It feels like Derpys performing brain surgery on me with a rusty fork. Please, just kill me already…”
>”But then who would I have to get drunk with, and occasionally get fucked into Tartarus?”
>You respond with a groan, turning over and burying your head in the mass of pillows.
“Go… go hang out with Rainbow Dyke or something, I don’t even fucking care.”
>”Nu-uh!”
>Gilda hauls you out of bed, and you begin to shamble to the bathroom.
“I need a goddamn shower.” You complain, stomach reeling from the sudden movement. 
>”Want me to join you?”
“If you feel like getting vomited on, be my fucking guest.”
>Gilda ignores you and instead stretches out on the bed, hogging the warmth you left imprinted on the mattress. 
>You slam the door shut, turn the shower dial to as cold as possible, and huddle under the shiver inducing stream for about half an hour.
>When you finally think you’re fit and able to walk, you haul yourself out, briskly drying yourself off. 
>You open the bathroom door, and throw yourself back onto the bed, causing Gilda to squawk in surprise.
>”Asshole! I was trying to sleep!”
“That’s fascinating.” You mutter, easing yourself into a more comfortable position.  Gilda sticker tongue out at you, before hopping onto the end of the bed, and preening herself. 
“Stay still and I’ll do that.”
>”Oh, so you finally offer to do it…”
“I’m feeling generous Gildy, don’t push your luck.”
>Gilda rolls her eyes before inching over to you, looking away as your hands go to work on her wings. 
>”This is so stupid.”
“You don’t complain when I put my hands in other parts of your body, why the hell are you moaning now?”
>”You don’t get preening… it’s a really personal thing. If somebody saw you doing this to me it’d be the talk on the streets for days.”
“Oh yeah, because we totally haven’t done stuff that’s worse.”
>”I don’t need to be remi-“
“Let’s see: In the time we’ve been together we’ve been told off 8 times for making sweet, messy love in public, I punched Fluttershy in the kidney, you set the school on fire, I banged your best friend, and we collectively drove Lyra to get a sex change.”
>”He prefers to be called Guyra now.”
“Noted. Anyway, the moral of the story is shut the fuck up and let me molest your wings.” 
>Gilda huffs, but doesn’t resist as you continue to preen her.
>You finish your job and plant a kiss on her cheek, chuckling as she stifles a blush.
“So, whose day shall we go and ruin now?”
>”Actually, I was thinking we could go to the amusement park that just set up outside town. Y’know, have a normal day out as a couple.”
>You and Gilda stare at each other, before simultaneously bursting into laughter. 
“Normal couple? You’re killing me Gilda!” you howl. 
>”I’m sorry Anon, I couldn’t resist!” she replies, tears streaming down her face. 
>You continue to laugh together, before collapsing onto each other.
“Oh God, I can’t breathe…” you wheeze, before giggling again. 
>Gilda just smiles down at you. “But seriously, we should go to this park thing. You never know, it might be fun.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”
>Gilda moves to get off you and you hold her back down, as she raises an eyebrow. 
>”What?”
“I just wanted to say… you’re cute when you think you’re funny.”
>”Is those one those “compliments” I hear of, but never get to experience?”
“It’s as close as you’ll get Gilda, so enjoy it.” You chuckle, before planting a kiss on her beak and wrapping her in a tight hug.
>You rarely allowed yourself to have such tender moments like this, and you felt Gilda relax in your embrace. 
>After a few quiet minutes, you break off the hug and ruffle the feathers at the top of her head, knowing she hated it when you did that.
“Alright then, let’s head to this kiddie carnival thing…”

“Holy fucking unicorn shit!”
>”Keep the swearing down, there’s fillies nearby!” 
“Fuck that! I want to go on that ride! And that one! And all of them! Take my bits, TAKE THEM!”
>”I swear to Celestia, you are a fucking child.”
“That makes you a paedophile then.”
>Gilda rolls her eyes in frustration. “Just… let’s go on the rollercoaster. Why are you so excited all of a sudden, anyway? You don’t even get this in bed.”
“That’s a harsh thing to say, and definitely untrue. I’m just excited because I haven’t been to one of these things since I was a little kid: Young and innocent, oblivious to the various horrifying sex ordeals I would undergo in the future.”
>”Do you hear that? Sounds like a small-dicked monkey who doesn’t want a certain griffon to ever dress up in his favourite maid costume, ever again.”
“Have I ever told you how beautiful your eyes are?”
>”Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
>You follow Gilda over to the rollercoaster, reluctantly paying the entry fee on Gilda’s request, and get into a cart with her. 
“If I get any more excited then my dick is going to jump right outta my pants!” you whisper as the cart begins to make its ascent. 
>”If your dick jumps out of your pants, then you’re jumping off this cart.”
“Gee Gilda, don’t be such a bitch. We’ve had sex in weirder places.”
>”Don’t remind me, please.”
>As the cart reaches the top of the slope, you get an idea.
“Hey, watch this.” 
>You snort, before spitting a globule of spit which arcs towards the crowd below.
>”Ew!” screams a filly with a tiara cutie mark. “Ewewewewew!”
“Flawless Victory!”
>”You’re an asshole, you know that?” 
“No actually, thanks for pointing that out. My life is changed forev-Whoa!”
>The cart rushes down the slopes, cutting you off.
>You hurtle along the track, whistling and cooing. Gilda’s face goes white as the ride goes on, her eyes shut tightly and her claws gripping the handrail in an unbreakable vice.
“What’s wrong Gilda!” you taunt, giggling when she refuses to respond. 
>Eventually the ride draws to an end and Gilda shakily hops off, eyes staring blankly ahead as she rushes towards the female toilet.
“So wait, she’s fine when doing that shit in the air but when it comes to doing in on the ground, suddenly it’s all wide stares and vomit? I don’t even…”
>”Hey asshole!” 
>You turn round smiling, as a suited earth pony strides over to you. “Did you just spit on my daughter?”
“No idea what you’re talking about.”
>”Listen wise guy, you don’t want to mess with a guy like me.”
“And you do not want to fuck with me, either. Y’see, I have a reputation, just like you do. You’re a disgusting, greedy waste of oxygen and I am the guy who ruins people’s days. I’d love to wipe that smirk as I beat you round like a hooker who owes me money, before I bend you over and use your daughter’s tears as lube to fuck you in the ass. Sound like a plan, or do you have other places to be?”
>The earth pony gulps, before backing off quickly.
“Yeah, I though so.”
>”I can’t leave you for more than two minutes without you getting into trouble, can I.” 
>You turn round to Gilda, who seemed to have regained her composure.
“I thought that’s why you loved me, sweetheart.”
>”No, I’m in for the money.”
“Good thing I pre-emptively cut you out of my will.”
>You and Gilda smile at each other, before she motions towards the hotdog stall. 
“Hungry, huh? Even after you pussied out on that ride?”
>”I could go through Tartarus and still eat your ass into the ground, Anon.”
“Yeah, whatever… hey, watch this!”
>While the stall worker digs around in a bag, you lean over and grab two piping hot-dogs.
>”You never will change, will you.”
“Hey, I was taking the initiative.”
>”No, you’re stealing.”
“Don’t take the moral high-ground here! You’re the one fucking outside your own species!”
>”I… what? No!”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
>”Fuck you Anon. You’re definitely not getting laid today.”
”Maybe not with you, anyway…”
>Gilda suddenly pounces at you, pinning you to the ground.
>”Don’t. Joke. About. That.”
“Fuck, dammit! Get off me Gilda!”
>”No!”
“Look! I may be an asshole through and through, but shit… I would never do that Gilda. Even I have some morals. You know I wouldn’t cheat on you.”
>Gilda blinks, before hopping off uneasily. “Of course… Sorry Anon.”
“Don’t turn into an apologetic sack of shit. I went too far, I’ll know not to make jokes about that in the future.” You give your most deathly glare to the on looking p0nies, before scooping your hotdog off the ground.
“Great, now my hotdog is ruined… wait, is that Lyra?” You point towards a mint-green stallion that was approaching from a carousel. 
>”You mean Guyra.”
“Oh yeah, the whole “sex change due to emotional trauma” thing, I forgot about that. Hey, Guyra!”
>Guyra cautiously walks over to you.
>”What the buck do you want?”
“I will pay you 20 bits if you take this hotdog, and eat it exactly how I tell you to.”
>”Huh?”
“20 bits. Exact orders. Easy money.”
>”Er, ok then…?”
>Guyra levitates the hotdog to his open mouth, eyebrow raised questioningly. 
>”Now what?”
“Take the hotdog in slowly… then take it back out. Close your eyes as well.”
>Guyra hesitates, before following your instructions to a T, unwittingly deep-throating the hotdog in front of giggling p0nies.”
>”For the love of Celestia… here, just take the bits Guyra.” Gilda shoves a bag of coins into the confused stallion, who then promptly walks off.
“Fucks sake Gilda, why kill the fun early?”
>”Didn’t you mention those fancy “morals” a minute ago, right before you tried to publicly embarrass a p0ny whose life you ruined?”
“I said I had some morals. Not many, some. Just enough to keep me out of hell, not enough to count me as a decent human being.”
>Gilda shakes her head, covering her eyes with a caw, before sighing.
>”Let’s… let’s just go on the damn Ferris Wheel and then go home. I get the feeling that you don’t like it when I drag you out to these places.”
“What on earth gave you that idea? I just fucking love these places.”
>”Yeah, I believe you.”
>Gilda pays for both of you onto the ride, which gently ascends you high above p0nyville. 
“Hey, I can see Rainbow Dash in the shower from here.”
>”R-really?”
“No, but it’s cute when you get a wingboner.”
>Gilda blushes, her wings slowly unfolding, and you lean in to kiss her neck.
>”Dammit Anon… you always get your way…” she moans, as your hand trails down her back.
“Of course I do.”
>Gilda’s eyes suddenly take on a mischievous look, a look that sends off alarm bells inside your brain.
“Gilda…?”
>She suddenly jumps out, hovering in the air just above the ferris wheel.
>”I’ll meet you at the house honey! Don’t take too long, or I’ll start without you!”
“NO, YOU CAN’T DO THIS! I’M WARNING YOU!”
>Gilda blows a mock kiss at you, before swopping down into p0nyville, quickly losing you.
“God dammit! Blue-balling bitch…”
>”Hey Anon…”
>You snap round as Rainbow Dash lands in the carriage.
“What are you doing here?”
>”I saw you were a bit caught up, and though you might appreciate a helping hoof. I’ll fly you down, free of charge.”
>…
“Fine… what do you want me to do with you…”
>”Everything…” she whispers lustily, a volcanic blush etched into her face. 
“I can’t guarantee Gilda will be happy.”
>”It’s me: she’ll be fine with it. Do you not remember your super special birthday present?”
“I remember alcohol, a cold shower and lots of crying.”
>You share a chuckle, before climbing onto Rainbow’s back. 
“You know, I’ve always want to say something in a time like this.”
>”Which is?”
“GO FORTH MY STEED! THERE BE BOOTY TO PLUNDER!”
>”You’re an asshole, Anon.”
“And don’t you forget it.”

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