why did i write this: the one-shots and stupidity paste

In response to the "Why is it ponies IN Earth?" posts (Tom counts as a pony shut up)

The Unremarkable Life and Death of Thomas Daniels

 

>Day Tom on Earth

>You are a boulder

>But you're not just any boulder

>You are a boulder FROM EQUESTRIA!

>Unfortunately, boulders from Earth and Equestria are indistinguishable

>You erode over several millenia and become dust before anyone discovers your secret

>People stop complaining about the name of the thread because now you're part of the Earth and therefore in it

>Your sacrifice is forgotten, but the consequences of it last forever

 

 

Planetside 2 gets pone'd

Your Best Is My Worst

 

>Day 'live free in the NC' on Auraxis

>The nanites put your body together at the Indar warpgate, same as always

>You suited up as an engineer and got ready to kill and die, same as always

>You went to the vehicle terminal and had the nanites put together a Vanguard heavy tank with a 150 millimeter autoloading mixed chemical/magnetic propulsion main cannon loaded with high explosive shells, an E540 recoilless rifle in a remote mounting on the turret's roof, a heavy nanite mesh armor generator for when you don't feel getting the custom camo-job scratched, explosive reactive applique armor plates, and a high maneuverability chassis with neon blue undercarriage lights because FUCK LIGHT DISCIPLINE, YOU HAVE A TANK

>You love your job

>You could have made this tank closer to the front lines, but you feel like taking the scenic route to Crown Plateau, aka Grinder Hill, aka that stupid tactically insignificant rock that everyone fights over for some reason

>It's an uneventful drive

>You hit the cruise control and check the map on a straightaway

>Looks like the Terran Republic fascists/commies/whatevers are attacking from Crossroads Watchtower across the valley

>You drive over Snake Ravine and spot the motherload of dismounted infantry coming out of an Advanced Mobile Station

>You drive a bit closer to get a better shot

>And you hit two tank mines simultaneously, destroying you and your sweet ride instantaneously

>Fuckin' tank mines

 

 

>You get put back together at the top of "The Crown" and suit up as an engie again

>You start walking around, distributing ammunition where it's needed

>You go up to the top of the defense tower and settle in with the armored exoskeleton guys who are shooting down the TR's "Mosquito" interceptor jets with the twin flak cannons on their suits' arms

>Slowly, the fighting dies down

>You think that's kind of weird, because there are obviously still people attacking and defending

>Everyone you can see from the top of the tower is looking at a single point

>Dafuq is going on?

>You lean over the guardrail to see what it is

>It looks like some white horse unicorn pegasus thing with weird hair

>It speaks in a loud, booming, female voice

>"Quit yer shit! I'm taking this rock!"

>EVERONE'S guns are aimed at her now

>There is a single, omnidirectional *click* as you pull the trigger

>"The fuck, man? My gun doesn't work!"

>"Mine too!"

>"This is bullshit! This thing's trial period ends in ten minutes!"

>Horse lady speaks again

>"YEEEAAHH I OWN THIS SHIT! FUCK OFF, ALL OF YOU!"

"You took our guns, you bitch!"

>"DAMN STRAIGHT, MOFUGGAS!"

"Control is a means of oppression!"

>"I want my gun back!"

>"Nine and a half!"

>Just then, a Mosquito pilot buzzes right over her head, no less than two meters from her and inverted

>He's got the cockpit popped open and is yelling something

>The Doppler effect makes it sort of hard to tell what he's saying

>"lllleeeeOOOOONNNNEHHH IS BETTuuuuuuuuur!"

 

 

>A chorus of agreement erupts

>"Celestia is worst pony!"

>"Booooo!"

>"I didn't vote for you!"

>"Nine minutes!"

>You hear a whirring behind you, then silence

>Someone is speaking in a scratchy, walkie-talkie sounding voice

>It shouts

>"TWILIGHT IS BEST PONY!"

>Right into your ear

>You look away from horse lady for a split second

>Directly behind you, there is a Vanu Soverignty infiltrator in spandex and one of those weird robotic-ass helmets, force blade in hand, paused mid-stab

>He let his cloak run out to say that

"Ow! The hell, bro? My ears are ringing!"

>"My bad."

>Someone else yells out

>"Applejack is superior!"

>And then another

>"Fluttershy or death!"

>And then another

>"Rarity is mai waifu!"

>And then another

>"Eight and a half!"

>And another and another and another until it becomes an indecipherable rabble

>This eventually becomes a fight between the TwiShyfags, the AppleDashfags, and the RariPiefags

>Everyone got new guns, and the fighting started anew

>Nothing changed on the day that Celestia got drunk and solo-capped The Crown

>Just another day on Auraxis

 

 

 

In response to requests for another pony in LD + my weird conviction that Rainbow Dash would love kungfu movies

LD-based one-shot: Dashie comes to Earth somehow. Goes fangirl, ruins everything. Film at 11.

 

"I'm just saying that I think you're unhealthily obsessed."

>Her magenta eyes lock with your not-magenta eyes as she dives into a perfect eye-level hover

>She's giving you the 'Jackie Chan' look

>Yes, you actually had to come up with a name for that expression

>It's a mixture of frustration at having to explain how awesome Jackie Chan is, disappointment for not liking Jackie Chan as much as her, and pity for those who will never know the joys of Jackie Chan

>To the untrained eye, it's identical to the 'Wonderbolts' look

>"No, Jake, you don't get it. This is JACKIE CHAN we're talking about, okay?!"

"I realize that. We've had this conversation more times than I care to count."

>"And it never gets through your thick zombie-monkey skull! Jackie Chan is awesome!"

"I hear your voice repeating those words when I'm trying to sleep."

>"And it still doesn't get through. Jackie Chan is the funniest, awesomest human alive. Twilight, is there a single word that means funny and awesome?"

>"I need to wake up...It's all a dream...I need to wake up..."

>Twi didn't exactly take it well when RD decided to 'borrow' your wallet for an unauthorized trip to Walmart last week

>By the time you caught up with her, she'd already taken twelve DVDs, nine MLP figurines (the mane 6, Spike, Scootaloo, and an extra one of herself), confused a cashier, and was headed back to your house

 

 

>When you caught up with her again, Twilight was in the pone equivalent of the fetal position and encased in a sphere of magic while screaming about how everything is impossible

>The screaming stopped and the spell broke, but she hasn't moved since

>Spike's been force-feeding her to keep her alive

>Minutes after you got home, the police arrived

>And then the FBI came a few hours later

>Even the government had no idea what the fuck they're supposed to do in this situation

>It took a while until they decided, "Fuck it. Seal them under an inflatable dome and do science to them."

>Their words, not yours

>There are CCTV cameras in every room, MRE's in the fridge, Geiger counters and shit taped to the walls, and a few platoons of National Guardsmen trying to keep the media and crowds at a distance

>All this because Dash caught a Jackie Chan marathon on cable one day and couldn't help herself

>Celestia sent you Dash's shredded certificate of Equestrian citizenship and a stern letter (not that it matters to RD, because she's not intent on going back anyway)

>She still insists that it was "totally worth it, 'cause I'd marry Jackie Chan in a heartbeat if he wasn't already taken and also wasn't not a pony."

"I don't think she can answer because YOU BROKE HER."

>"I'm sure she'll get over it eventually. She just needs to see the bright side of it. We're famous!"

"And now everyone else living here is famous too. Yipee."

 

 

Inspired by the realization that these two characters share some alarmingly similar traits

The Magic (Tragic) Schoolbus: Arnold Will Never Have A Normal Field Trip

 

>Day 'normal day at college' on Earth

>Be Arnold M. Perlstein

>You have the exact same class as you had in elementary school, middle school, and high school

>How does that even happen?

>All these people living totally separate lives, but they come together again and again through sheer chance

>The answer is that there is a god

>And that god is trying to drive you insane

>The teacher you've had for the last 15 years is this god's representative on Earth

>She's a witch

>She's got a lizard familiar and a magic schoolbus in place of a magic broomstick

>Ms. Frizzle is a witch

>That's the only explanation for the things you've seen

>A field trip to the outer edge of the solar system or the bottom of the sea is laughably infeasible

>A field trip which shrinks its passengers to the size of plant cells or changes them into salmon eggs is totally impossible

>But it's happened

>You've been there and seen it happen

>And everyone else in the class thinks it's normal

>Phoebe was suspicious for a time

>She said things like "This didn't happen at my old school!"

>Wanda and Keesha expressed worry, but didn't seem to recognize that anything out of the ordinary was happening

>Over the years, they've become accustomed to the reality-bending that occurs in this class

>Now you're the last holdout of sanity

 

 

>Every day, you hope for a normal day of school

>Not normal for this class

>Normal as in "what any other student would consider normal"

>No field trips every day

>No situations that science can't explain, or can't rescue you from if something goes wrong

>No transforming into animals or going back in time

>Just a normal day

>You walk to the classroom with Ralphie and speak to yourself

"Please let this be a normal day at school..."

>Ralphie's still a jock

>He hasn't changed

>None of them change

>They age, but they always wear the same style of clothes and act just as they did after they broke

>Your wardrobe spontaneously replaced itself with an infinite number of striped yellow sweaters and blue jeans one night, and nobody cared

>Not even your parents

>You might be a student in this hellish class forever, and you'd be the only one who notices

>Ralph smiles at you and gives the reply you've come to expect

>"With the Frizz? No way!"

>You groan like you were expecting him to say "I'm sure it will be normal"

>He'll never say that

 

 

>Arriving at the classroom, there is a glimmer of hope

>There's a note on the door saying that Ms. Frizzle will be out sick today, and a substitute is taking her place

>The usual students are gathered around the note, speculating about who the teacher will be and whether they'll take the class on a field trip

>"Frizzle's not here?"

>"Aw man, I was gonna give her this sketch I made of Liz."

>"I wonder when she'll be back?"

>A soft, rhythmic clicking comes from down the hallway

>They all turn to see what the source of the sound is

>You follow suit

>It's a small, pink horse with a curly mane and tail, balloons painted on either side of its hips, and a small reptile dangling by its mouth from the horse's tail

>And then it speaks in a high-pitched, enthusiastic female voice

>"Hello everyhuman! My name is Pinkie Pie and I'll be your substitute for the day."

>The entirety of the class ignores what this... thing just said, addressing it as Ms. Frizzle

>"Oh, hi Miss Frizzle. You're a bit late today."

>"Good morning, Frizz! How've you been?"

 

 

>The pink creature returns their oblivious affection

>"I've been alright. The Giro-pedal-Pinkiecopter has been running a bit rough lately, but it should be okay for today's field trip."

>You look for the note on the door, hoping to prove that this isn't Frizz, but the note has disappeared

>Tim offers a drawing to the equine menace

>"I brought a sketch for you. What do you think of it?"

>"Nice sketch, Tim! It looks just like Gummy. Don't you think so, Gummy?"

>The thing is looking back to its tail where the reptile hangs

>It looks like some sort of baby alligator

>It makes no acknowledgement toward its host's question

>Despite this, 'Pinkie' balances the drawing on a front hoof and gives it to the reptile, which bites down on the paper to hold it against the limb it has clamped down upon

>'Pinkie' returns to the conversation and praises Tim's work further

>"Gummy loves it!"

 

 

>In a hopeless gamble, you sidle up to Carlos

>He seems to be the most far gone, but you can't whisper to anyone else without causing a scene

"Psst. Carlos."

>"What is it?"

"Does anything seem off about Ms. Frizzle today?"

>"I don't see anything. She's got the pet lizard, the frizzly hair, the works."

"What about the hooves? Or the sick note on the door?"

>"I don't know what you're talking about."

>Carlos raises his voice to a normal volume

>"Actually, now that you mention it, her voice sounds a tiny bit different."

"You think so?"

>The pink creature produces the classroom key from thin air, holding it with an invisible force to its front hoof

>As it turns the key in the classroom's lock, you see a different note that appeared on the door while you weren't looking

>This one says that Miss Frizzle is going to be late, not substituted

>The pony-like animal winks to Carlos, who takes this as a cue to speak

[spoiler]>"Yeah. She's a little horse."[/spoiler]