LD Chapter 5: Nothing Glorious (6.75 parts as of 12/9)

Part 1

 

>Wednesday, May 15th, 9:19 am

>Day ‘problem solving’ on Earth

>You are Spike

>Jake is okay, but Twilight doesn’t seem to think that because she doesn’t see much of him

>She’s also upset with Jon because of rabbits, but there’s not much you can do there

>It seems like it's sorting itself out anyway

>She's coming around to thinking Jon is fine again

>The way to convince Twilight Jake’s fine is to make them be together

>They do stuff together, they talk, they figure out they have stuff in common, and then Twilight will stop being such a shut-in

 

>The logic is flawless

>This plan is totally going to work

>Jon already had his turn watching that show about bicycles that ran last week around bedtime, so we won’t even miss the TV as much

>I got this all figured out

>Who said you could handle the social stuff?

>It’s my turn to bask in my glory

>Let me have this

>This is going to end in tears.

>I’m open to suggestions if you have better ideas

>Shut up.

>I’ll take that as a no

 

 

>You’re a decent way through ‘Banjo Tooie’ by now

>They’ve got an amusement park level

>Twi says that humans are really good at making huge machines

>She tends to dwell on the fact that half of them are for killing each other

>Part of your plan to make her happy is to get her to think about that less

>But if humans are good at building tanks, they must be awesome at making roller coasters

>And they made these games, which is pretty cool too

>You’ve been taking notes the whole time, because now you know you’re supposed to do that sort of thing

>It’s a good game, but that part’s kind of annoying

>You’re not going to quit just because of that

>It’s annoying, sure, but it’s not a deal breaker

>Twilight’s practically looking for deal breakers

>At least that’s what it feels like

>If she was playing this game, she’d probably stop at the very beginning

 

 

>To start, the guy who taught you stuff in the last game gets the life sucked out of him to bring back the witch lady that you beat in the last game

>He turns into some sort of ghost thingy with a circle thing over his head, so you have to go fight the green gorilla-looking guy who’s stopping you from chasing after the getaway drill thing being driven by dead-witch and her not-dead sisters

>Then you go through a village of those guys who were hiding around the levels in the last game, and one of the houses was crushed and has a little sign saying that everyone inside died because the getaway drill thing ran over it

>And then you meet king hiding-McPointyface, who gets his life sucked out and becomes a zombie instead of a circle ghost

>After that, you have to explain to the wife and kids of the teacher guy that he’s not going to be home for dinner because he’s sort of dead for the moment

>Then you go to jiggy-head guy and he lets you start playing the real levels

>The first level has a different sort of triangle buildings built by slaves

>Twi said that she found out the ones in Banjo Kazooie actually were built by paid workers, but these Mayan triangle buildings were definitely built by slaves

>Oh, and since the original move-teacher guy is dead for now, he’s been replaced by his brother, which Jake says is “a reference to the Arley Eremy sort of military instructors”

 

 

>You don’t know who this “Arley” guy is

>That doesn’t matter, though, because “military instructors” told you all you need to know

>Twilight’s gonna flip out if she sees him, or pretty much anything else except for that one detail about the triangle buildings built by slaves

 

>What is it with triangles and human slaves, anyway?

>No idea

>Maybe that’s just a ‘thing’ here

 

>Speaking of human slaves, Jake is putting together Twi’s computer in the basement right now while Twilight ‘supervises’

>Prior to the daily ‘not finding what’s wrong with the Canterlot Computer’ routine with Jon, this is the most open spot in Twilight’s schedule at the moment

>Jake would like to sleep in during that time, and you can’t blame him

>He’s been getting kind of angry at her for bugging him to get that done

>Mostly because he can’t tell what she’s trying to get across to him

>She’s been keeping him from sleeping and being annoying to him, but he’s starting later than he thought he would and doing it quicker than he said he could

>You can’t tell who’s in the right

>It’s none of your business anyway

>It should just blow over once the computer is ready

>You can hear Jake talking with Twilight and working on the computer through the open basement door

 

 

>They’re not saying anything interesting, just distracting you from shooting eggs at the patches on the inflatable dragon guy who’s the boss in this level

>The dive attack in the last game was hard to aim, but now that you’re shooting eggs and flying at the same time it’s gotten sort of complicated

>You don’t feel like getting up to close the door, so you’re paused and eavesdropping again

>“Do you really have no questions, Twilight? Or is it that you just can’t stand me?”

>“You’re fine. I’ve got plenty of questions, and that’s the problem.”

>“So solve the problem and ask me.”

>“The solution is the problem. There aren’t answers to questions like ‘why do humans think that Phoenix feathers contain OMCM, and how would a human conduct magical energy they don’t have through something that’s not part of their body?’ And for that matter, what sort of word is ‘muggle?’ The human concept of magic is absolute nonsense! I don’t think I can stand to read any more of this because so much of it is blatantly, distractingly wrong!”

>She must be reading that book about Harry pot-person

>“Don’t blame us for not understanding something we thought was fake.”

>“Nopony’s blaming anyone. I’m calling it like it is, and it doesn’t make sense!”

>“You’re being obnoxious.”

>“Is it wrong to criticize something that has faults?”

 

 

>“No, but you are criticizing something that isn't our fault. Give it a rest!”

>“Are you still upset about Monday?”

>“You could have waited until morning to ask me about the one aspect of the movie you decided to tunnel vision onto.”

>“I did not ‘tunnel vision’ on the toy soldiers.”

>“It’s the only thing you asked about from all three of the movies you’ve watched.”

>“I’m studying your society and inferring what I can from the movies. Most of it’s the same, and I’ve picked up on most of the differences already. The toy soldiers were the only thing that stuck out.”

>“So you don’t have toys like that in Equestria? How about chess? Do you play chess?”

>“I don’t want to talk about Equestria. I want to talk about Earth.”

>“Fine. We’ll talk about Earth.”

>They proceed to not talk about anything for thirty seconds

>Jake breaks the silence in a half-grumbling tone

>“I would have expected a lot more questions after you watched Alice in Wonderland.”

>“Actually, I do have two questions about that, but they’re sort of low priority right now.”

>“Spit em’ out. I want to be done with this ASAP.”

>Ooh, he’s getting snappy

>Lucky you paused the game, because you might have to run down there and break this up if you’re going to get “step 1: make Twilight think the humans here are okay” to work

>“Come on, Jake. Why the attitude?”

>“I could ask you the same thing.”

 

 

>“Would you please not take this towards petty squabbling?”

>“I won’t if you won’t. Unfortunately, you already did when you pulled me out of bed at 7am today.”

>“I’d prefer to get what I want when I want it. See it from my point of view, would you? Every second I have to wait is another second I don’t get to use the internet to study humans, and you’ve made me wait a month.”

>“You’re one to talk about empathy.”

>“I won’t need to do things that make you grumpy if you don’t break your promises. Deal?”

>“You’ve got a deal, ‘purlplesmart.’”

>“Stop calling me that!”

>“Quit being a taskmaster.”

>“Please, stop calling me that.”

>“That’s better.”

>Now it seems like it’s calming down again

>They’re quiet for a while, then Twilight sheepishly tries to restart the conversation

>“So, uh, about those questions I wanted to ask…”

>Jake still sounds grumpy

>“I’m willing to answer them.”

>“Oh! Good, I was worried that I’d put you in the wrong mood for that.”

>“You did, but that one’s a Pinkie Promise. Something tells me that those are more serious commitments.”

>“And you’d be right. There was this one time my friend, Applejack, made a Pinkie promise to-”

>“Ask the questions.”

>“Alright, alright! So much for breaking the tension.”

 

 

>“You set yourself up to fail at that. I’m not in the mood for idle chatter.”

>“You set me up to set you up. Whatever. Was the ‘Queen of Hearts’ character a reference to anything?”

>“I don’t know. French Revolution, maybe. Ask the next one.”

>“I actually thought of another one just now. What was the human who wrote that story on?”

>“Opium.”

>“You’re sure it’s opium?”

>“How much detail did that encyclopedia’s history section have?”

>“It was the bare minimum. On a scale of one to ten, ten being the most, how sure are you that it was opium?”

>“Nine and a half. It was in Britain in the 19th century.”

>“Well, I haven’t been presented with anything that depicts that culture.”

>“I told you that list wasn’t done. I wanted to put some Charles Dickens on there, but you wanted it when you wanted it.”

>Now Twilight is getting impatient, too

>“You also told me you’d have this computer ready sooner.”

>“Now who’s dwelling on the past?”

>“You started this.”

>“You’re the one perpetuating it. Why? Do you hate me, or something?”

>“Expressing hatred towards an individual is a misdemeanor crime in Equestria.”

>“Well then it’s a good thing you’re not in Equestria, because it’s pretty clear that you have a massive prejudice against humans. By the way, that law is the silliest thing I’ve heard of.”

>“Of course you’d think it’s silly; your culture is fueled by hatred and violence!”

>“It’s a shame those words are so bitter.”

>“Why’s that?”

>“You’re going to eat them.”

 

 

>“Doubtful. You want to know why I’m perpetuating this little spat we’re having?”

>“Tell me. It should be good for a laugh.”

>You imagine that they’re pretty much butting heads down there at this point

>“I could be home before I finish this sentence, and you make me wait a month before you even try to get me independent access to the largest library humans have ever assembled! The Xiezhi Qilin Collective’s best and brightest are going to arrive in Canterlot next week. If they have a way to get me home, I’ve got no time to spare!”

>“You’re getting what you’re paying for. I don’t see you doing anything to make up for the money coming out of my pocket to build this thing, let alone the food and supplies my family buys for you! And who the hell are the ‘zay shee key-lin,’ anyway?”

>“You finish that computer, and I just might get you a book that tells you all about them.”

>“Do I look like one of Pavlov’s dogs to you?! Do you think you can just ring a little bell and I’ll start slobbering for whatever you offer me?”

>“I don’t even know who Pavlov is!”

>“Then we’re even on that level. You know where we’re not even? Favors.”

>There’s a sound that suggests some large, impatient, two-legged creature is stomping up the stairs

>“Hey! Where do you think you’re going?”

>“I just formed a one-man labor union and decided to go on strike. Tough luck, purplesmart.”

>“STOP CALLING ME THAT!”

>You lean over the side of the couch to see Jake walking towards the kitchen

 

 

>Well, that was quicker than I thought it would be. Step 1 is a failure.

>Not yet it isn’t

>You got a plan?

>No

>Well sort of, but Twilight won’t like it

>You spring from the couch cushion and make for the basement

>There’s a characteristic red-purple glow coming up the staircase along with a soft, high pitched ringing

>When you finally catch sight of Twilight, she’s sitting on the floor with her nose in a computer case instead of a book

>She’s trying and failing to use her magic on the parts of the computer while muttering to herself

>It looks like she’s doing okay-ish

>She’s not dropping anything, but she doesn’t seem to have the control you’d expect from her

>“C’mon… c’mon, get in there… ‘It’s plug and play! You don’t need me to do it, Twilight! Now leave me alone and let me sleep!’ Not when you don’t let me ‘plug,’ I can’t… Is this even the right slot?”

“Why don’t you ask someone who’d know?”

>Twilight sits up so fast that it throws her mane back and tosses the computer part towards the ceiling

>She barely recovers fast enough to stop it from hitting anything

 

 

>It’s almost as if she lost her grip on it for a moment, as if that’s possible

>Pretty sure it’s not, but hey, “this place is weird,” right?

 

“You okay?”

>“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine! You, uh, you just startled me.”

“Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t sound okay.”

 

>The proper word for her tone is “dismissive”

>Go join a spelling bee.

 

>“I’m as fine as I get when I’m stranded away from home and not getting what I need.”

“I was listening to your conversation with Jake. Do you seriously think they’re going to figure out how we got here, let alone how to-”

>The expression on her face freezes your voice in your throat

>It’s mostly blank, except for the eyes

>She’s begging you to stop

>She knows what you’re about to ask her

>She already knows the answer to the question, and she doesn’t want to hear the answer

>You’ll let her have hope, at least for now

“…then again, what do I know about theoretical spellcasting? Still, shouldn’t we try to make our time here something we can say we enjoyed?”

>She returns to her clumsy attempts to put the thingamajig into the whatsit in the computer

>“I’m never going to enjoy it here.”

 

 

“Are you going to TRY to enjoy it here?”

>“It’s not going to make any difference if I try. Having control of my magic taken away from me is… it isn’t right.”

“Are you going to let that ruin everything? Do you want to be miserable?”

>“I don’t want to be miserable, but that’s not stopping me from being miserable. It’s like nothing here is the way I want it to be.”

“So go upstairs right now and make something the way you want it to be.”

>“I’m not apologizing to him. This is his fault.”

“It doesn’t sound like he’ll apologize because he thinks this is your fault. One of you has to take the first step.”

>Twilight stops and lays the part on her desk

“Come on. You’re Celestia’s faithful student. Act like it.”

 

>That was sort of a low blow.

>She needs to be pushed in a new direction

>Judging by her sigh, she’s about to agree

 

>“If there’s anything humans seem to need, it’s friendship. I’m not sure if it’s truly possible to befriend a human.”

“You were getting along fine with Jon, and I’d say Jake is my friend.”

>She gets up onto her legs

>“I’m sort of sad to see the concept of impossibility go. There was a bit of comfort in it.”

>Her hooves clop softly across the cement floor as she heads for the stairs

>“Then again, I suppose statistical impossibility is statistically impossible.”

 

>What’s that supposed to mean?

>It’s impossible for the impossible to be impossible

>Therefore it’s possible for impossibility to be impossible, but impossibility is suppos-

>NEVERMIND.

 

 

>She’s already upstairs

>You follow to the top of the stairs so you can hear what they’re saying

>As you pass Jake’s room, you hear a weird buzzing coming from inside

 

>Sounds like a really big bug or something that’s stuck in Jake’s room. Let’s check it out quickly.

>Alright

>Might be a good idea to see if they get along while we’re not there to supervise

>We want this to work naturally, so being overbearing isn’t

>Hold on, it sounds like Jake is reminding Twilight that her head is at perfect punting height

>That’s not good.

>No, now Jon’s saying something and Twilight’s trying to calm them both down

>Problem solved itself. Let’s find this bug.

>…Not seeing any bugs in here. It sounds like it’s coming from that little box thing.

>That’s his phone

>Maybe it’s getting a call

>But phones are supposed to ring, not buzz.

>No, look on its screen

>It’s got little pictures of phones and numbers and letters

>And we’ve been waiting this whole time? Someone’s calling him and he’s busy! We need to pick this up before it stops buzzing!

>Too bad it just stopped

>Oh. That’s too bad. I was hoping we could do something helpful for him, too.

 

 

>Alright, let’s go see if anyone’s getting kicked in the head

>Wait, it’s buzzing again! Okay, let’s see… It says ‘Evan.’ Must be the guy calling him. Let’s poke that.

>I’m not sure we should do this

>I don’t think we even need to

 

>Okay, that did nothing. Let’s try… green phone picture! Poke.

 

>“Hello?”

 

>I am a natural with these things.

 

“H-Hello?”

>“Who is this? Did I call the wrong number?”

“Were you trying to call Jake?”

>“Yeah. Is he there?”

“He’s sort of busy right now…”

>“Could you tell him to call me back?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.”

>“Thanks.”

>Suddenly, the phone goes quiet

>Okay, now on to see how Twi and Jake are doing

>You put the phone back where you found it and

>And Twilight’s passing you in the hallway with an angry look on her face

>She doesn’t even look at you as you slip by her

 

 

>Yeah, no

>Not happening

>She’s going to make nice with the Addams whether or not she wants to right now

>You grab her by the tail as she passes you, making her yelp

>Her protests and struggles fall on deaf ears as you drag her back to the kitchen

>She doesn’t bother to use magic or kick at you, so she wants to go back

>It’s just that she doesn’t realize it

>Jake’s at the table eating a late breakfast

>He spots you out of the corner of his eye and chuckles before returning to his food

>It’s not quite as amusing for him when you plop Twilight down on the floor beside him

“The two of you ARE going to get along.”

>Twilight turns her nose up and looks away

>“He threatened me with physical violence. Jon can vouch for that.”

>“I didn’t threaten you. I just stated a fact to make you reconsider hauling me downstairs again. Besides, what do you have to fear from me with that thing sticking out of your head?”

>“Oh, it’s not you I’m afraid of. It’s all of you. Except for Spike here, I have no one.”

>“And you could still throw me through a wall by thinking about it.”

>“Do you really think I would do that?”

>“Is Whitey Bulger going on trial for fewer murders than Patch the Pirate committed?”

 

 

>Wait, who?

>Patch or White Bulge

>Patch.

>Most feared pirate of the last 300 years or so

>Not ringing a bell.

>Pipsqueak dressed up as him for Nightmare Night when Luna was back in Ponyville for the first time since she got back from the moon

>Oh yeah…

>Oh, Twilight’s looking sort of nervous right now. We should probably be paying attention to the conversation.

 

>“I… uhh… can we change the subject?”

>“No.”

>“I’m really not comfortable with this topic…”

>“Why not? Is it because you don’t like the idea that p0nies could do exactly the same things as us? Or maybe it’s because they already have? You say we're so SIMILAR all the time, so it only makes sense.”

>“T-they don’t do it as often...”

>“Do you think p0nies are better than humans?”

 

>Wow, Jake is really pressing her

>Should we stop him

>I'm not sure that we can.

 

>“I don’t know how to answer that question…”

>“If you were thinking about saying yes, let me tell you right now that you’re preaching to the choir.”

>“I don’t know what that means.”

>“It means that you’re wasting your time because we agree with you. If you’ve got statistics on your side, show me. I’m not going to argue against numbers. But when you’re a broken record about how human civilization ain’t so civil? Whoop de doo, what do you want the Addams to do about it?! Do you think we don’t know about these problems? Do you think we don’t want them fixed?”

“Jake, please!”

 

 

>Never would have counted on him being the one to ruin this

>I would’ve. It’d have to be one of them. Fifty-fifty and all that.

>Where is Jon right now

>Dunno. Probably in his office.

>“No. If she’s going to talk down to us, she needs to be above us first.”

>“I just-”

>“‘You just’ nothing! You don’t complain about us because you want us to improve! You focus on our flaws because you want to feel better about yourself! Why? What’s so wrong with you that you have to tear us down to make up for it?”

>Twilight shifts around uncomfortably

>“It’s kind of complicated…”

 

>We need to defuse the situation. I think she was already going in this direction, anyway.

 

“Tell him.”

>“W-well, I’m sort of kicking myself right now for being so mean and exploitative.”

>“It didn’t show.”

 

>He’s having none of it

>Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea

>No, just give it a second.

 

>“I… it wasn’t entirely Spike’s idea to have us do more together. It was more of a joint brainstorming between him and me.”

“She’s telling the truth.”

>“And the reason I wanted you to work on the computer while I was there was because I wanted to spend some time with you before I get to work on the Canterlot Computer each day.”

>“You picked the worst possible time.”

>“Sorry. I’m just sort of busy and I didn’t have time to rearrange my schedule for this. I’ll have it fixed by the weekend. Please, let me give friendship another chance.”

 

 

>Step one complete

>Step two: ‘have her figure out that humans in general aren’t so bad’ shouldn’t be so hard with what Jake told you about the general theme of the media list

“Now tell him the other thing.”

>“I’m not the best at making friends. I haven’t had much practice. Most of the friends I have are ones that came to me or were introduced by somep0ny else.”

 

>How much should we have her explain

>We should have her explain enough to be forgiven.

>How much is that

>The more, the better. Let’s play our ace card.

 

“And this is because…?”

>She gulps

>Here comes her big personal secret and long-time shame

>“I had a very sheltered, privileged childhood, and I’ve been self-schooled for most of my academic career. The only friend I had before I got my cutie mark was my big brother. I want to turn over a new leaf with you, but I’m too occupied with myself to do it right.”

 

>Jake seems to think this is the funniest thing he’s heard all morning

>Okay, his mood is improved. Now we see if they can stand eachothers’ company.

 

>“Oh wow. The wizard chose charisma for her dump stat? You are a piece of work.”

 

 

>“Umm... does that mean you're not mad at me?”

>“Nevermind, it’s an obscure reference. You know what? I’ll forgive you, but I’ve got some conditions before I come off of my strike.”

>“You can't call me ‘purplesmart.’”

>“That’s off the table. I just want to finish my breakfast and have you stop being such an unbearable misanthrope. You can start by telling me one thing you like about humanity.”

>Twilight was relieved for all of five seconds before Jake put her on the spot again

>She struggles to find the right words

>“I, uhh… humans are…”

>“You’re allowed to say you can’t think of anything.”

>“I’m just trying to find the right wording… umm… tenacious? I mean, having to work around unreliable magic is going to drive me up the wall,”

 

>That’s just her.

 

“Doesn’t help that your mark is for magic. I bet Rarity would just find it annoying.”

>She shoots you a glance that silently shouts “NOT NOW” before she continues

>“Sorry about that. Draconic brain structure does that sometimes. What I’m trying to say is that humans have found so many workarounds for not having magic. The simple fact that humans aren’t extinct due to their own actions or lack of magic is in defiance of everything I’d expect. I’ve had to question so many things that I thought were certainties during my time here.”

 

 

>“Due to our own actions? You really think we’d fight ourselves to extinction?”

>“P0nies have had two wars in the last millennium compared to… let’s see… there’s the French intervention in Mali, the Korean Peninsula standoff, the ongoing instability and bombings in Iraq… I’ve already exceeded the amount of wars Equestria has participated in and those aren’t even the ones making front-page news. Human history is magnitudes more warlike than anything I’d expect to be sustainable, let alone possible!”

>“We’re not heartless killing machines.”

>“I’m not implying humans are heartless; I’m wondering why humans keep going to war when they clearly realize what sort of impact it has.”

>“There are two famous quotes about the human attitude towards war that I think you should hear. I’m paraphrasing a bit, but they’re something like ‘the only ones who like the concept of war are the ones who never experience it,’ and ‘only dead men have seen the result of war.’”

>“But that doesn’t make sense. The television and radio news is-”

 

>Let’s intercept that train of thought.

 

“Twilight…?”

>She sighs

>“Humans probably have a good reason that I just haven’t heard yet and I need to have all the facts before I form an opinion.”

>“So, conversation over breakfast?”

 

 

>“I already ate.”

>“I didn’t, and you seem to like giving me an earful about how terrible humans are. So long as you don’t go totally misanthropic on me, I’m willing to listen. You’ve probably got an interesting perspective when I can actually stand to listen to you.”

“Are you two ready to play nice?”

>“If she is.”

>“I am if he is.”

>Seems sincere enough

“Good! I’m going to leave the two of you alone for a minute while I check what Jon’s thinking of doing with the Canterlot Computer today.”

>You start to duck into Jon’s office, then turn around for a second

“If anyone’s kicking anyone in the jaw when I come back out, I’m going to be very disappointed.”

>“I’d probably need to use my wings to get enough height to do that. You don’t have to worry about ME kicking anyone.”

>“I wasn’t serious about that!”

>You tug the doorknob string and pull the door shut behind you

>Jon is at his desk doing whatever

 

>He was probably here for the whole conversation

>Alright, serious question time. Why didn’t he back us up out there?

 

“What the heck, man?”

>“Did I do something?”

“No, you didn’t do something! Why did you let Jake shout her down like that?”

 

 

>“I agreed with him. I think her tendency to pick and choose facts to focus on is what soured our friendship.”

“Alright, but I still don't like how you just stood there and let it happen.”

>“I’m just speculating, though. She just stopped being talkative around me.”

“You mean she didn’t tell you why?

>“Do you know?”

“It was something to do with how you wanted to kill rabbits.”

 

>Which we can sympathize with, just a bit.

 

>“I’ve been trying not to mention that around her. I wonder how she heard that.”

“I dunno. Word gets around, I guess.”

>“I hope she can get over that. It’s not like those things are anything other than pests. Anyway, would you send this to Canterlot for me? I need some information about the conditions there before we start work today.”

>He hands you the whatever he was doing on his desk

 

 

 

Professor Root,

 

Twilight and I are still failing to find any design faults with the Canterlot Computer. It’s encouraging to

hear that Dr. Alryadhyat Alhwa and Ms. Ishirini Peté have come to similar conclusions now that they’re

up to speed as well, as it assures us that we’ve not designed something with a fatal flaw. This leads me

to the next line of investigation I’d like to pursue. Forgive me if this sounds like small talk, but how is the

weather?

 

Jon Addams

 

As for some actual small talk, Dr. Isfugel, ihr Name sieht sehr skandinavisch besonders den Beinamen

"Isfugel." Ich glaube das bedeutet "ice bird." Twilight ist immer zu erwähnen wie ähnlich unsere Welten

sind und das ist führte mich zu fragen ...Sprechen Sie Deutsch?

 

 

>Uhh... what?

>Are those words? What’s that little dotted thing over the vowels?

>Heck if I know

 

>Jon notices your confused expression

>“I thought his name looked like one from a language I know, so I asked him.”

“Ohhhh.”

>Well that kind of explains it even if you can’t understand any of it

>You *fwoosh* the letter and start backing toward the door

 

 

“I haven’t heard any scuffling or shouting outside. HOPEFULLY that’s a good thing.”

>“Amen.”

>No idea what that means, but whatever

>Peeking out of the office door, you can see no jaws being kicked or anything to suggest that jaws have been kicked while you were away

>In fact, it looks like a normal conversation where Twilight is giving Jake an earful as he eats

>She’s in the chair next to him

 

>And she’s talking about…herself?

>Who cares what they’re talking about

>No jaws kicked for a whole minute

>We must’ve done something right

 

>“…but the thing is that I’m so well studied that I’ve just gotten accustomed to being RIGHT all the time, you know? It’s a very addictive feeling, knowing I’m correct.”

>Jake gives a quick nod and an “mmph” of agreement through a mouthful of cereal

>“And in terms of social issues, I have so much to feel right about. No offense, but all this immoral and self-destructive behavior by humans is turning into a massive source of Equestrian pride and fodder for my already massive ego. I perfected a millennia-old spell and got made into a princess the week before I ended up here. Even though my princess-hood is more of an honorary title, I was feeling pretty good until I somehow ended up in a parallel universe when I was just trying to go home.”

 

 

>Jake swallows to reply

>“No group is without its faults, present company and myself included.”

>Sorta snappy, but not that bad

>Twi doesn't seem to mind

>“I’ll admit that there are a few bits of history that I’d prefer not to remember. The border scuffle that happened a century ago is a huge embarrassment for all involved, and the Mino-Griffonic War was... bloody, to say the least.”

>“What keeps you from having wars?”

>“We can’t let the windigo population grow. Windigoes are creatures that feed off of conflict and hatred, and create wintry conditions when they’re well fed. If war gets out of hoof, it could become too cold to live.”

>“So that law isn’t that silly after all.”

>“We’re both guilty of cognitive bias.”

>“The first step to fixing a problem is to recognize that there’s a problem. You and I recognize that we have a problem. Trust me when I say that humans know their collective problems well.”

>Not so snappy

>You duck back inside the office and flash a quick “okay” signal to Jon, who’s gone back to his desk to do a different whatever

>He returns the sign before you peek out again

>“Then why not fix them?”

>“It’s too much work. Things are good enough as they are right now.”

 

 

>“I don’t get it. There are still all these problems, and I know at least some humans can’t be satisfied with the state of the world!”

>“The people who want change don’t have enough influence to do much of anything, and the people that have enough influence to change things are too invested in the way things are to start rocking the boat.”

>“That’s kind of sad. Scary, too, considering that the boat’s got a radioactive hole under the waterline, and it’s buoyant thanks only to a bilge pump of self-preservation instincts running on a gas tank full of reasonability-grade oil.”

>“We’ll never nuke ourselves. We stared into that chasm decades ago and never forgotten that we decided not to jump in. Besides, that would be a terrible punchline.”

>“Punchline? I don’t follow.”

>“I love looking at the world through the perspective of dark humor. Justice systems used to perpetrate injustices, police which aren’t obliged to protect nor serve, and nationalism for countries that aren’t the least bit exceptional, just to name a few. You’d need a drill and dynamite to get through irony that thick.”

>“Ah, right. I wasn’t considering that. Dark comedy is really niche in Equestria.”

>“From what I can tell, there’s not too much material to work with. One pirate and two wars? That’s nothing!”

>He puts his spoon down and turns in his chair to face Twilight

 

 

>“Here? The jokes write themselves. Being a human means you could get born into a country where you’ve got no hope of education or life beyond subsistence. The moment you’re old enough to be taught how to use a gun, you could get drawn into a war you don’t understand against people with weapons you can’t hope to comprehend, let alone defend against. Those people might have been taking video of you, too. Not that you’d know what that is. And maybe they’d put that video on the internet. Not that you’d know what that is. That video could be viewed by millions of people you didn’t know existed, and a significant portion of them would take pride in the fact that their military spent more money killing someone than that person ever made in their life. Now THAT is a practical joke.”

 

>Sweet Celestia, step two is gonna be HARD

>No thanks to him.

>Give him credit, though

>At least he’s not hiding things from her to make her happy

 

>“I… that… you scare me.”

>“You’re not the first person to tell me that.”

>“Earth scares me.”

>“I couldn’t agree more. It’s horrifying, and that’s why I can’t help but laugh!”

>Jake goes back to chomping down his cereal

>Twilight’s expression suddenly becomes vacant, looking away from Jake to stare at nothing in particular

 

 

>You can barely make out what she whispers to herself as Jake swallows another mouthful of his breakfast

>“…giggle at the ghostly…”

>Jake noticed, but it seems like he didn’t hear it as clearly as you did

>He turns back and asks her “Did you say something?” through a mouthful of cereal, bringing her back to the moment

>“No, it’s nothing.”

>He swallows

>“I heard you say something. Something isn’t nothing.”

>“I just remembered something a friend of mine said. Sang, rather.”

>“Sang?”

>“There was this one time that she just sort of burst into song out of nowhere. It was vaguely appropriate for the situation, sure, but I still can’t believe she went from speaking normally to Manehattan Musical Theater in the middle of a conversation.”

>*BuuuuuRP*

>Your cover’s just been blown by the most essential service you provide

>Welp

>The non-royal scroll is addressed to Twilight, who’s leaning around the table to see where the sound came from

>Her eyes settle on you as you pick up the scroll and push through the door

“Letter for Twilight.”

>It floats out of your claw and over the table, unrolling as it goes

>Since there’s no point in leaving them alone if they know you’re watching, you head into the kitchen

>Twilight’s hovering the letter in front of herself with perfect control

 

>It probably is really annoying to have her ability to make things happen be unreliable, but she's making too big of a deal out of what's essentially a cramp.

 

 

>You can kind of see her face from your position behind the chairs, and it seems like the letter is interesting

>Jake’s trying to read the letter over her withers

>She moves to nudge him away, but then thinks better of it

>Something up there is good if she’s willing to share it

>You try hopping to get a glimpse of whatever it is that’s so important

>It doesn’t work very well

“Letmesee letmesee letmes-!”

>Sudden indigestion

>There’s another letter coming

>With a split second to spare, you tilt your chin up just enough to avoid burning anything or anyone or anyp0ny important

>*RüLps*

>Twilight looks at the new letter on the table, then to you

“Sorry about that.”

>“No harm done, but did that belch sound strange to you?”

“I guess? I was too busy paying attention to where it went to pay attention to how it sounded.”

>She lifts the second letter up next to the first and unrolls it

>“…It’s all bull to me. Here.”

>It floats down to you

>“I think it’s for Jon.”

 

 

Herr Addams,

 

Das ist nicht das was wir nennen es hier und Sie mit einem Dialekt ich nicht bin sehr daran gewöhnt,

aber ja! Es ist sehr überraschend dass du würdest meine Muttersprache sprechen, aber ich kann nicht

sagen ich bin erleichtert nicht mehr zu verwenden während im Gespräch mit Equestrian eine von einer

anderen Spezies. Wollen wir tauschen Briefe irgendwann?

 

Der nächste Brief enthält alle aktuellen und zukünftigen Wetterdaten.

Markus Isfugel

 

 

“Yeah, it’s got those little things over the vowels. He sent something like this to the griffons’ team lead with an Equestrian message asking about the weather.

>“Show this to Jon. It might say something about the weather plans and records I discussed with him.”

>The door’s still open, so you just saunter on in to find Jon doing yet another whatever

“Hey Jon, you got a reply from the griffon guy.”

>“What did he say?”

“I can’t read it.”

>You toss it up onto the desk

>He snatches it up eagerly, and whatever is in the letter brings a fresh smile to his face

>“Ha! Ich haben ein pen pal!”

“Did he say anything about the weather?”

>“They’ll have it in the next letter.”

“I’ll go let Twi know.”

>Back out of the office again, Twilight is reclining in her chair and Jake is still reading through the letter suspended in the air

>She’s staring at the side of his head, waiting for him to realize she’s only holding the letter up for him

 

 

>You briefly make eye contact with her

>Jake continues to stare at the letter, mostly at the bottom and top bits

>She raises her eyebrows and makes a “get a load of this guy” eyeroll before she speaks to him in a deceptively nice tone

>“Are you done reading my personal letter, which was addressed to me?”

>“Huh? Oh. Sorry, the thought didn’t cross my mind.”

>“Gee, you’re almost as bad as I am.”

>The letter levitates towards you

>You pluck it out of the air and read silently

 

 

Dear Twilight, AKA Purplesmart, AKA one of Pinkie’s VIP-exclusive best of the best friends,

 

Hi! Sorry I haven’t written in a while. Business has really picked up now that we’ve got the recipe of

those human candies down. Back to why I’m writing this letter, the M&M knockoffs we made are selling

like hotcakes. Even better than that, Bonnie and I are on a massive royal commission and headed for

Canterlot to help cater to the scientists! We’re gonna be SO RICH! Unfortunately, we’re also going to be

SO BUSY and I’m going to have to leave Ponyville for a while. I might be too busy to write to you, so this

is a little heads up for that. One last thing before I have to stop writing, though: what do you mean you

can’t believe I changed a conversation into a musical? I’ve done that way more than one time. You’ve

done it several times yourself. The way I remember it, you told us about your brother in song, and got

coronated in a big musical number that lasted all day!

 

Confusedly yours,

Pinkie Pie

 

P.S. Spike, those Reese’s things were great! Do you know if humans have combined PB and chocolate in any other ways?

 

P.P.S. O-nay idden-hay essage-may in this letter except for that one. Dashie should be the next one to

start sending you those if I remember the plan correctly.

 

 

>Right about now, I’m wishing we’d taken the time to learn Pig-Latum.

>Well, we know Dash is going to be sending Twilight something in a letter, so now we can look for it

>If she lets us look at the letters. She seems a little annoyed that Jake did.

 

>With that thought, you decide to roll up the scroll again and lean against the stove so you can stay and watch the conversation

>“Well, since you did read MY letter, we might as well use this as a jumping-off point for a bit of talking about us.”

>And she just turned a negative into a positive

 

>Good work, Twi

>Sort of a quick turnaround from trying to be miserable to forgiving humans of everything, don’t you think?

>She wanted to do this

>I bet it was all a show she was putting on

 

>“Us, as in ‘you and me’ us, or do you mean us as individuals?”

“Individually. You’re probably wondering who that letter was from and whether or not I actually got coroneted in a musical.”

>“What I’m wondering about first is why Pinkie called you purplesmart.”

>“I have no clue. Just don’t call me that. She called me that for the first time just a few minutes before I teleported, and it’s part of the reason I resorted to teleportation in the first place. I would have just walked if she hadn’t started trying to explain some gibberish about the number four when I was running behind schedule.”

 

 

>“Oh. I didn’t realize it would be such a sore spot.”

>“I’m not sure how you could have known, but please, just don’t call me that. It reminds me too much of that day I swapped universes and nearly killed myself in the process.”

“So, you got princessed in a musical?”

>“Nope, that’s just Pinkie being Pinkie. I pity her psychiatrist.”

 

>They’re sort of going off topic here

>Let ‘em. They’re getting along and that’s what counts.

 

>“Why’s that?”

>“Oh, don’t even get me started! I’m half-sure she’s schizophrenic. She acts like she remembers things that didn’t happen, and that’s not the weirdest thing about her; I’m entirely sure she has ESP. That reminds me, are there any accounts of humans with extrasensory abilities, or telepathy, or anything like that?”

>“Only hoaxes and urban legends. But your friend's ESP doesn’t seem all that odd when we’re talking about a world of mythological creatures and magic.”

>“I can see why you’d be confused, but the thing is that she seems to have perception beyond three dimensions and no real explanation for WHY she has that. Even saying it’s somehow magical is a stretch, because there's no way to just KNOW things without sensing them somehow. She has no logical way of knowing that I mentioned how she turned a conversation into a song and dance routine, for example, but there it is.”

 

 

>“How does it work?”

>“Usually she just interprets her body’s twitches, but sometimes it seems like she’s able to just KNOW things. I think she can also teleport, even though that’s supposed to be impossible for everyone except the very small subset of unicorns and qilin who can cast the spell properly.”

>“Unicorns and what?”

 

>You ever notice that Jake seems REALLY interested in Equestria? Like, more than anyone else? What’s up with that?

>I don’t know, and we can’t ask now

>Let’s just stay and supervise

>There are things that smell fishier than a griffon’s kitchen going on here. I know it.

 

>“Qilin. They’re slim, scaly, cloven-hooved quadrupedal lizards with horns and some hair. Does that ring a bell?”

 

>I don’t remember hearing about them

 

>“Not really.”

>Neither does Jake

>“Physically similar to Eastern Serpentine Dragons, but about five feet tall and seven feet from nose to tail?”

>“Still no.”

>“Sometimes known as ‘eastern unicorns?’”

>“Oh, you mean Kirin! Yeah, those are an Asian myth.”

>“And here I was, hoping I’d found something that WASN’T a similarity.”

>“Sorry to disappoint.”

 

 

>“Not your fault that human storytellers somehow came up with what I’m guessing is an exact replica of a real creature. They even call themselves kirin, sometimes. Enough about that, though. Pinkie… she’s weird, but she’s the kind of weird you can’t help but love. Throws parties like you wouldn’t believe, too.”

>“What does she do for a living?”

>“She’s a baker. I actually had some of her food with me when I arrived. Now, how about you? What are your friends like?”

“Weren’t you going to talk about yourselves?”

>Twilight turns around in her chair to speak to you

>“The last few years have taught me that friendships are an extension of oneself, in a way. ‘Friendship is Magic,’ after all.”

“True.”

>She turns around again and repeats her question

>“So, who are your friends?”

>“If I’m going to start with my best friend, I’d say Evan. I’ve known him since middle school, which is something like ten years now. Fantastic guy, great to talk to, but he’s a self-admitted idiot and klutz. He’ll put his money in his pocket when he’s got his wallet on him, then asks why his wallet is empty when he goes to pay for something. He drops his phone so often that he has to get a new one every half year or so. He’s lucky his parents are in good jobs and can afford that sort of thing.”

>“What do you talk about with him?”

 

 

>“This and that. Current events and philosophy and stuff. He’s into conspiracy theories more than I am, but he doesn’t take any of them seriously. He’s also into comic books and video games, though video games are more my thing and comics are more his thing. He’s also got this really weird sense of humor.”

>“How is it weird?”

>“Well, he’s kept this in-joke going for three or four years now about…”

>Jake leans in to whisper something to Twilight

>She leans away abruptly, everything about her suggesting that she just heard something disturbing and confusing

>“A video game about time traveling what?”

>“Do you really want me to repeat that in front of Spike?”

>“No. Definitely not.”

 

>I think that’s our cue to go.

>Alright, seems like they might actually have a chance to get along now

 

>You lean back onto your feet and start walking towards the living room

“You two play nice. The weather reports are going to be coming in a little while. I’m going to go fight Mister Patch while we wait.”

>Twilight spins around towards you again

>“Hold on a sec… is this ‘Mister Patch’ a pirate?”

>She’s looking for a similarity, or more likely a reason to stop you from playing

>You face back into the kitchen to speak to her

“No, he’s a parade balloon with a bunch of patches.”

 

 

>“Oh. Well, why are you fighting him?”

“Well, he’s supposed to be part of a circus attraction or something, but the moment he got inflated he was all like ‘grr I’m a big monster so I get to be a jerk’ so now I’ve got to take his patches off and deflate him.”

>She turns around again

>“Jake?”

>You couldn’t see it, but he was taking this opportunity to get a bit more cereal while the conversation was in a lull

>He gives another “mmph”

>“I just want to be sure he’s not doing things that give him the wrong idea when I’m not watching him.”

“I’ll let you know if that happens.”

>She turns back to you one last time

>“I’m more concerned that you wouldn’t know when it’s happening.”

>Finished with you, she goes back to what you had to drag her into doing just a moment ago, and you turn to leave

 

>No, wait, we should tell Jake to call Evan first.

>I’m telling you that we don’t need to

>The phone will tell him Evan called

>Okay, I hope you’re right.

 

 

 

#IRCAddamsLocal

Server time 5/15/2013, 17:46

Welcome message: If you’re seeing this, you must have our WEP key or be plugged into the LAN. If you don’t live here, shoo! You saw nothing!

 

 

17:46:34@JakeLaptop: How do you like your computer? I assume you’re pleased with it, since you’ve been using it nonstop since you gave up on finding the problem with the Canterlot Computer today.

17:46:40@Basement: 3 GB RAM and a 2.4 GHz processor is sort of low-end from what I can gather. It’s more reliable than the Canterlot Computer and is exponentially more powerful, so that’s something. Thanks for getting it done right after breakfast this morning. I ought to apologize formally for being such a rotten egg over the last few weeks, especially when I was prodding you to get this computer ready. I cannot emphasize enough how much I’ve been looking forward to using the internet since I first learned of its potential, so I got a little bit impatient. You do forgive me, right?

17:46:41@JakeLaptop: The hardware is a bit spartan, but I took the liberty of installing some programs on it. Antivirus, this chat program, and a few other things you might need.

17:46:41@Basement: Please tell me ‘spartan’ doesn’t mean what I think it means.

17:46:50@JakeLaptop: Wow. Did you have all that prepared?

17:46:51@Basement: No. I typed it just now.

17:46:53@JakeLaptop: I mean

17:46:59@JakeLaptop: How are you even that fast?

 

 

17:47:00@Basement: One hint. “Look ma, no hooves!”

17:47:07@JakeLaptop: I doubt you’re using the hunt and peck method to poke at the keyboard, but you’re probably using your horn.

17:47:09@Basement: Ponies neither hunt nor peck. We don’t need to hunt for food, and we don’t have beaks to peck with.

17:47:15@JakeLaptop: You’re technically 1/3 pegasus, and pegasi have bird wings…

17:47:19@Basement: I still consider myself to be 100% unicorn, but no. I am not a bird. No pony is a bird. Not even pegasi are genetically avian. In all seriousness, though, I’m typing at the speed of thought!

17:47:25@JakeLaptop: Sounds awesome.

17:47:28@Basement: You have no idea! Telekinetic typing is such a rush for me. Keyboards might be designed for hands, but I think that's a limiting factor for human users. All I need to do is see the keyboard, think which key I want pressure on, and it happens!

17:47:34@JakeLaptop: Is that how magic works?

17:47:39@Basement: Sort of. I’m controlling the flow of magic out of my horn in very precise ways to keep the spell going while thinking of exactly what I want to happen. You can see the control to a certain extent in the way that the aura around my horn is shifting. There are limits, of course. I need the right combination of mental image and magic control, and I can’t overextend myself.

 

 

17:47:46@JakeLaptop: It’s what you want, when you want it.

17:47:49@Basement: Exactly. “Will plus skill,” as they said in magic kindergarten. On top of that, I’m in the lucky percentage of a percentage that can learn and cast almost any spell. I try to be humble about it.

17:47:52@JakeLaptop: Is this why you were upset at me?

17:47:52@JonDesktop: As interesting as this is, you were supposed to tell her about the internet curfew.

17:48:00@JakeLaptop: Oh, right. We turn the modem off at midnight. We have to do something to make sure you sleep at night.

17:48:05@Basement: Understandable.

17:48:09@JakeLaptop: Sorry to be the one to bring you down from this high. You seemed happy, for once.

17:48:15@JakeLaptop: By the way, google “faith in humanity restored.”

18:06:07@Basement: I take it back. Humans have everything except magic. At least some of them do, given the anecdotal nature of what I’m seeing.

18:06:11@Basement: I’m going to give humans a collective third chance. I’ll try to be objective this time, so please, I’m begging you: don’t mess this up.

 

 

 

Part 2

>Saturday, May 18, 1:06pm

>Year 22 and ‘going to head out and drive friends to Drew’s thing’ on Earth

>You are Jake Addams

>You’ve gone full whitehat

>Okay, 1/4 whitehat because you have about that much confidence that you got everything perfectly right

>And it does need to be perfect

>The run-up to Equestria Girls is getting media attention

>It may not be a blockbuster, but it’s there, and the timing couldn’t be much worse

>You’ve convinced Twilight to start getting her news through the ‘net so she won’t see commercials or reports about how she went to the human world and fell in love with Brad

>Fandom consensus is that the guy with blue hair is named ‘Brad’ until further notice

>Anyway, keyloggers and remote access

>That’s exciting, right?

>It took the better part of a day to get it all working as intended

>In the meantime, you were relying on Jon to keep her busy

>You also warned her off from the seedy side of the internet with a simple user guide and a list of shock sites, timesink sites, and others that she said she’d want to avoid

>Rules #1 and #2 of the internet (“Don’t talk about 4chan,” and “DON’T TALK ABOUT 4CHAN,” respectively) are in effect

>The last thing you want her to see is the /mlp/ Anonymous who’s doing live requests for rule #34 of Twilight as she appears in Equestria Girls

>None of that work could matter because she might have already discovered MLP:FiM

 

 

>Saying “friendship is magic” might have been a hint that she’s heard that phrase somewhere, and she might have referenced the ‘Scootaloo = Chicken’ meme that won’t die

>Worse than that, she might have referenced the “>no hooves, 0/10 would not fuck” meme and seen the raunchier side of the fandom

>If so, she’s taking it a lot better than you’d expect

>Unless she explicitly says she knows, you’re keeping her in the dark and pretending NOTHING HAPPENED

>Your desktop is running as a chat server and a proxy for Twilight’s internet connection

>When she wants to see something, she still has to go through you

>If you don’t want a page or an element of a page to load, it won’t

>Most of it’s running on automatic algorithms that will remove things like avatars and images, and it causes false ‘connection reset’ and ‘DNS failure’ errors if strings of text that pertain to the show are found, but ultimate control goes to you

>Plausible deniability is the name of the game

>Give her as many things to blame that aren’t you as you can

>And it seems like she’s flipped her bitch switch to the off position

>Fucking finally

>This might make her less likely to suspect you if you’re actually preventing her from learning of MLP in the first place

 

 

>You would have snapped and called her a bitch if she hadn’t apologized

>Even if Spike was in the room and she would have gone on a magic-fueled rampage because of it

>Someone had to get her to stop looking down her nose at humans

>Figuratively speaking

>That expression doesn’t really work on her because her eye sockets are behind most of her nasal cavity

>It's too bad that show doesn't go into more depth about the characters’ childhoods

>That would have been useful

>You could have only guessed at how her upbringing would have made her who she is

>Canterlot’s portrayed as being upscale and luxurious, but the fact that she lived there is barely mentioned anymore

>The fact that she’s also under Celestia’s tutelage also isn’t emphasized very much

>Being the star student of a national leader and sun-goddess must have its perks

>What she wants, when she wants it being one of those perks

>She told you she tries not to exploit it, but getting a simple request denied for no good reason is one of her major peeves because of it

>So this was all your fault

>According to her

>She’s not changing her mind on that one because you already admitted guilt, but she’s trying to forgive you

>It’s a start

>Now you just have to get her to watch the movies, listen to the music, and read the books so she’ll forgive everyone

>Right now she’s too busy trying to figure out what’s wrong with the Canterlot Computer to do that

 

 

>She’s reading the books in her spare time, but goddamn does she nag about Harry Potter being an inaccurate portrayal of magic

>Yes, it’s readily apparent that unicorns don’t have to wave their horn around and say “wingardium leviosa”

>Yes, forcing someone to live under the stairs is domestic abuse

>Yes, cave trolls are fictional

>Yes, cave trolls are real in Equestria

>No, Twilight has never seen one in person

>Yes, this means the MLP comics probably aren’t a reliable source of things to avoid mentioning

>No, the show isn’t reliable either because apparently none of the musical numbers happened, and who knows what did happen

>Yes, this makes it a bit easier for you to believe Twilight Sparkle and Spike are real

>Yes, you know pig Latin

>No, you don’t know what Pinkie meant by “no hidden message”

>Yes, this probably means something’s happening in Equestria that makes hiding messages something that needs to be done

>No, you have no idea what’s happening

>No, you didn’t voice that concern

>Yes, Twilight’s not bringing it up either

>Yes, that probably means she wants to deal with it by herself

>No, humans wouldn’t be related to cave trolls if they were real here

>No, there’s no way to know if the vanara biologists are going to want a tissue sample

>No, vanara aren’t part of western mythology

>Yes, it’s probably something she should have thought of earlier

>No, there’s no way to tell if that's going to start a riot

>No, don’t panic

>No, Twilight, please don’t panic

 

 

>You did some digging, and apparently vanara and xiezhi are part of Asian Indian mythology

>Xiezhi are lizard-dog things from Chinese mythology which are obsessed with justice, but that’s rather plain compared to vanara

>Vanara are little monkey things from Indian mythology that are capable of shapeshifting to a certain extent

>Their Equestrian version is kind of a mix between Mr. Fantastic from Marvel comics or Dhsalim from Street Fighter and a chameleon

>They’re less capable than their mythical counterparts, which is good because one myth says they can be as large as a mountain if they want to

>Monkey-mountains sound terrifying, and having another Changeling-like race would be pretty confusing

>Twilight did mention Changelings when she was telling you about vanara, fortunately

>Headcanons be damned, you just want to have less opportunities to slip up and talk about something she thinks you wouldn’t know about

>The internet is enough of a risk, but making her happy means giving her what she wants, when she wants it

>A cobbling of spare parts, some drilling to get a CAT5 cable from the router into the basement, and about $150 add up to one satisfied, out of your hair for the next few months alicorn princess

>No word yet from the big two about whether they’re still mad at you for asking how they know they’re cartoon characters

 

 

>They were a lot angrier than you would’ve expected for a reply to such an innocent, offhand question

>Even if it was really loaded

>It’s going to be hard to believe them if they accept your apology without explaining why they were so upset

>Was it the “Dear Princess” bit?

>They made a point of saying they don’t want letters addressed to them like that

>That was more force of habit on your part

>If they know about the cartoon somehow, they might know about the friendship reports being at the end of most of season 1’s episodes

>Of course, there’s no way to know until they get a reply to you somehow

>You’ve been trying to get Twilight to bring more books from Equestria

>She hasn’t fallen for it yet

>Speculation is pointless

>For now, work with what’s known

>You know you promised to get going so you could pick Evan up for Drew’s pre-carnival party around now

>And going you shall get

>You shut your laptop to rid yourself of the Bradness that’s overtaken the pony fandom in the last few days and roll off your bed to get your everyday carry items

>Wristwatch, cheapo Swiss Army knife knockoff, wallet, headphones with in-line microphone and phone controls, cellphone and belt holster, a lighter (even though you don’t smoke), and a ‘take 15 minutes before exercising’ anti-asthma aerosol (because your cardio is so bad that it’s almost like you smoked)

>Except for that last item, it feels like an action movie’s “suit up” montage every time

 

 

>Oh, and the gift card

>Not forgetting that twice

>Spike, as usual, is on the couch playing the Nintendo

>There’s plenty of time to spare, so you check in on him quickly

>You come up behind the couch and watch for a couple of seconds to get an idea of where he is

>Banjo’s running around a small harbor town, then he jumps into a big pipe that’s coming out of the wall

>‘Jolly Roger Bay,’ then

>After he hops inside, the area’s title appears onscreen

>“Grunty Industries? Is that a level I can’t get to yet, or something?”

“You hit the nail on the head, thigh-high.”

>He leans over backwards, presenting you with his inverted face

>“So when do I get to this one?”

“It’s a couple of levels after Jolly Roger Bay. Did you do the thing that makes it so you don’t use your oxygen meter while you’re underwater?”

>“Yeah, I’m just checking around the surface again. I’ve got to say I’m glad Twilight doesn’t watch me play this. Getting to play as the skull shaman guy is pretty cool, but they get so much wrong about how magic works it’d probably send Twi into a five-hour rant.”

“Tell me about it. She’s picking out all the stuff in Harry Potter that’s off, too.”

>He cringes a little when you say “Harry Potter”

>“Ooh… yeah, about that.”

“Something wrong?”

>He pauses the game and turns around so he can look less ridiculous

 

 

>“I think that book really offended her.”

“Isn’t she-”

>“No, no, I don’t just mean about the magic being wrong. She said something about how there’s a part where they talk about unicorns being killed for their horns so the bad guy can make himself live forever.”

“Oh.”

>“Yeah, she said she’s not going to read any more.”

“Well, I hope the next book she reads is more to her liking.”

>“She said she’s gonna go back to shaking spears.”

“Alright, good to know. Did she say which play she’s going to read?”

>“I think she said ‘Caesar’ was next.”

>Seriously?

>The one thing you put the list together for, and she’s ignoring it

“Oh for- when is she going to get to ‘Romeo and Juliet,’ already?”

>“I know the plan is to get her to see that humans are all lovey-dovey at heart, but she’s more interested in getting a primer for the movies and stuff. I think she said she read on the internet that the one about Rome has a character from the ‘Caesar’ play in it.”

>That would explain why she was looking up stuff about Rome when she’s up to a totally different part of ‘Traditions and Encounters’ in her history studies

>It doesn’t explain why she was looking up star charts, though

“At least she’s serious about watching the movies with me. Anyway, I’ve got to go pick up one of my friends and I need to apologize to Twilight before I leave.”

>“I’m not sure this is such a good time. She got some pretty bad news today.”

“What was it?”

>“She wanted you to see for yourself. Good luck, zom-butt.”

 

 

>Well fuck

>Hopefully she’s not mad about something

>Into the kitchen to make one last stop before you go

>Eliza’s out AGAIN because she’s doing administrative stuff at the weekly farmer’s market, no surprise there

>The door to Jon’s office is closed

>You can hear Twilight and Jon talking inside

>There are several papers taped to the door, one on top of the other

>It seems like they were left for you

>You’ve got time to make an apology and read these, so you oblige

>The first one has some Chinese calligraphy on it

 

 

Princess Twilight Sparkle of Ponyville,

 

It is with deep sorrow that I must inform you of our lack of solutions to your problem. You deserve to

come home to great celebrations of your studies. The world will be a better place for your efforts. I do

not intend to remove all hope. Princess Celestia of Canterlot tells us that we may pursue all methods

which could be used to return you to Equestria. She said unorthodox methods may be used if necessary.

The tone in which she said “unorthodox” gave me much discomfort.

 

 

Representative Xiezhi Ma Yu Zhe of Orange Beaches Province

奧蘭治海灘省獬豸代表馬語者

獬豸麒麟集體正義與普遍繁榮

 

 

>…Welp, looks like she’s here for the long run

>As soon as you finish thinking “fuck my life,” you realize that you urgently need to get into contact with Celestia

>You can’t keep an entire fandom and brand name under wraps forever

>Right now, you have more urgent things to take care of, like picking up Evan

>The next couple of papers don’t have much on them

 

 

Twiley,

 

Our private messenger just brought the news. I’m so, so sorry. I’m going to Canterlot to be with mom

and dad. I haven’t heard from them yet, but I can only guess how they feel. Cadence can’t come with

because of her royal duties. She’s putting a good act of keeping it together when I’m around, but I think

it’s only an act. Her voice cracks a little whenever I ask how she’s doing. Consider this a letter from both

of us.

 

 

Stay strong.

Shining Armor

 

 

>That was a personal letter

>Twilight must be really broken up about getting stranded if she’s willing to display that

>That leaves the last letter

>You can’t make out much of it except “To our dearest daughter” because it’s so smudged and tear-stained

>It looks like it might say “the last few years have been eventful” and “you went out with a bang”

>The only legible parts of the signature are “we’ll always love you, no matter where life takes you” and the word “Velvet”

>Another personal letter

>That one was probably from her parents

>None of them expect her to come back

>You fold the letters up and put them on the kitchen table

 

 

>Spike may be right

>It might not actually be a good time to apologize to her

>You’re about to leave when the office door slowly swings open

>Nobody is talking inside, and nobody’s there to have opened the door

>Jon leans over his desk and into view

>“Well, how about that. He is there.”

>Twilight struts up to the doorway, looking back at Jon and speaking with a hint of pride in her voice

>“Told you I could see him.”

>Then she turns to you so she can

>JESUS FUCK HER EYES ARE GLOWING

>IT’S GONNA BLOW

>“I saw you reading those letters I left for you. We… well, we’re stuck.”

>She doesn’t seem to notice that you’re not very comfortable with how she’s SPEWING MAGIC FROM HER EYES

>Maybe this is normal

>Maybe

>“I’m not sure if we’ll ever get back. I mean, there might be a chance, but it’s a longshot and the result would probably be worse than staying here.”

>Does she not realize that she’s overcharged with magic?

>Jon’s not doing anything about it

>Alright, roll with it and don't make any sudden movements

 

 

“Uh… just out of curiosity, what would that longshot be?”

>“The dark style of magic is much more efficient than conventional magic, but it’s illegal for very good reasons. Dark magic can change its user on a mental and emotional level, and without exception it changes them for the worse. Used extremely sparingly, the results are temporary and negligible. The amount that would be required for a trip between universes would instantly make the caster or casters incoherent and mindlessly aggressive. I’m worried that’s what Celestia was implying.”

“Do you think she’d do it?”

>“Oh heavens, no! She wouldn’t. We value her too much to let her sacrifice herself like that. Besides, I don’t think she’d want to do that just for my sake!”

“You make it sound like it would kill her.”

>“It would. That’s exactly why I told her I’d stay here unless she finds others who would volunteer. Chances are that nop0ny would want to throw their life away like that, so… yeah. I’m not counting on going home anymore.”

>Her absolute calm while talking about Celestia offing herself, coupled with those glowing eyes, is creepy as all fuck

>Even if she’s not about to explode with magic

>How has she not noticed your reaction to all this?

 

 

“So it would drain all of her magic and kill her, even though it’s more efficient?”

>“No, she’d live. She’s got more magic than thousands of average unicorns combined. Heck, I might be able to take Spike, myself, and a decent amount of equipment and texts from Earth to Equestria using dark magic and survive if I get my calculations right.”

“I don’t understand. You just said it would kill her.”

>“From a biological standpoint, she’d be perfectly healthy. On a mental level, though, she’d be totally dead. Worse than dead, even, because her body would be a living reminder of what’s lost.”

“What, like a vegetative state?”

>“No, she’d be conscious.”

>This doesn’t make any sense

>Living and dead, there and not

>This conversation could irradiate a cat half of the time

>Fortunately, Jon chimes in for you

>“You’re leaving out an important piece of information.”

>“Oh, right! The human concept of sentience and life is different. Sorry, I’m a little distracted right now.”

“So what’s different about it?”

>This sends her into lecture mode and instantly removes most of the worried tremor from her voice

>“Sentience is a threshold where members of species are, on average, conscious of themself and others to the point that they form a stable, independent civilization which interacts peacefully with other intelligent species.”

“So do humans qualify as sentient?”

 

 

>She bites her lip and probably looks to the side

>You can’t be sure because of freaky glowing eyes

>“Humans are sort of a, um…”

>She pauses for a few seconds to find an appropriate word

>“…exceptional case because there aren’t any other intelligent species here. Homo sapiens sapiens did come to the top of the evolutionary pile by eliminating all of its Stone Age competitors, though, so… maybe, sort of, not really, but kind of yes? There’s not exactly a spot on the flowchart for a ‘last species standing makes contact with a new species, but doesn’t kill them’ scenario.”

“Are there any comparable species on your planet?”

>“I’d say diamond dogs. They usually form competing clans and small societies, but peaceful interaction is all but impossible between… no, that’s not a fair comparison. Humans are closer to vanara. There are several dozen sultanates, but where they are and how many there are depends on who’s married to whom, which towns are prospering, and all sorts of other drama. Actually, that’s not a good comparison, either, because they’ll unify when they need to. Maybe the buffalo tribes… no, those are nomadic. That rules out some of the zebras, too…”

>She’s not even looking at you by now, seemingly lost in thought behind her eyelights’ sparkle

 

 

>You’re about to check your watch when Jon intervenes again

>“Twilight.”

>“Hmm?

>“You’re rambling.”

>“Oh. The short answer is ‘no.’ As for the concept of life, life is synonymous with the mind. A body can live without a mind, but it’s not truly alive. Likewise, a mind needs a body to inhabit. I’m essentially suffering a biological death every time I teleport, but I’ve never completely died.”

>Twilight has the whole creepy schtick down pat right now and she doesn’t even realize it holy shit

“Wait, you killed yourself to get here?”

>“Only biologically, and only for an instant. Bodies aren’t exactly intended to work when all of their molecules are traveling in a single file line at light-years per second. I’m made of the same material as I was and I have the same mind as I used to, so it’s not like I’m not myself. There was just a teeny-tiny moment when I wasn’t.”

“Uhh… wasn’t what?”

>“I wasn’t. I was nonexistent for a fraction of a second.”

>Twilight's fucking with you

>She must be

“…okay, I guess I understand, but what does all this mean in terms of dark magic?”

 

 

>“Mentally, a frequent and/or intense user of dark magic would degrade so much that their personality would be replaced with basic desires and instincts, and their body would grow slightly along with a noticeable darkening of their skin and hair. They would cease to be a person and just be a beast, almost like an Earth animal. No thought, no reason, little to no communication, totally incapable of understanding abstract concepts… functionally, that’s death.”

>So if they can’t think, they’re not alive

“That sort of makes sense…”

>“A famous example of what happens to dark magic users would be King Sombra of the Crystal Empire. I’ll see if I can get a history book that has more detail, but the gist of it is that he was a unicorn who used to be a prince and local governor not long after the foundation of Equestria. He took issue with Celestia and Luna’s rule and declared himself the king of a sovereign empire. They would have been okay with that, but he took it too far.”

“What did he do?”

 

 

>“At first it looked like he was just following the example of what’s now the Coltalan Semi-Autonomous Zone, but then he banished all except earth ponies from his ‘empire’ and used dark magic to transform his subjects into living crystalline versions of their former selves. Nop0ny is sure exactly why he did this, but it got Celestia and Luna to intervene. At this point he was so deranged from dark magic use that he made a long speech about 'making a statement' and cast one final spell that made himself and the entire empire disappear. They reappeared last year, and Sombra was… less than cogent, let’s say.”

“So dark magic makes people crazy, and if they’re crazy they’re not people.”

>Screw Loose the dog-pony’s backstory just got a lot darker

>No, bad mind!

>No more headcanons, just care about what you need to know!

>“Not exactly. Sufferers of insanity-related conditions can recover. The only ‘cure’ for chronic dark magic use is death, but fortunately most dark magic users lose the mental capacity for continued magic use and can’t use more magic to harm others. They usually wander off from society. They get a premature funeral, and then a proper burial if they’re found after whatever combination of exposure, starvation, and wildlife does their body in.”

>It looks like there’s sort of a silhouette of something in her eyes

 

 

>“Sorry for the grim subject matter, but there’s not really any way to talk about dark magic that isn’t horribly uncomfortable. Teleportation is kind of a weird area of philosophy as well, but, uh… it’s sort of the go-to illustration for the Equestrian concept of life.”

“It doesn’t help that you’re doing this while you’re so charged with magic that it’s literally pouring out of your eye sockets.”

>“Huh? Oh! Oh, sorry, I forgot I left the enchantment in! I didn’t scare you, did I? I can’t really judge humans’ facial expressions like this. It’s like you’re made of a totally non-reflective material. All I can make out is your shape.”

“You actually did scare me a bit.”

>“This is just the visible magical particles spell. I figure if I see humans like this more often I might get over the fact that they look so strange.”

“That’s what’s happening with your eyes?”

>“Yeah. I showed it to you back when I did a lecture on the fundamental energies, remember?”

>Okay, but there’s one problem with that explanation

“Spike said it looked different that time.”

>“That’s probably because I was looking at three humans simultaneously.”

>Oh right, duh

>That explanation holds water and is a lot more appealing than an impending magi-splosion

“So that shadowy figure in your eyes is me?”

>“Yup. The spell is more of an overlay than an actual in-eye projection. There’s usually not enough contrast for an outside viewer to be able to tell what I’m looking at. Usually.”

 

 

>You can’t help but notice that your shadow is getting slightly brighter

“It looks like you’re losing contrast.”

>“It does that sometimes. I’m sorry if it made this conversation weirder than it needed to be. I’m just a bit preoccupied right now. I’m not entirely ‘here’ so to speak.”

“Would you please make your eyes stop glowing?”

>“The stored magic in this enchantment should run out soon. Just give it a minute.”

>If it’s harmless, you might as well

“Alright. It still looks really weird, though. Look… uh, Spike told me that you’re not going to read any more Harry Potter. Sorry about that. I forgot that part was in the book.”

>She gives a dismissive hoof-wave, but she sounds nervous again

>“It’s fine. I’m not sure what I was expecting, reading a book about magic from an author who has no experience with magic.”

>It wouldn’t hurt to check if she’s feeling at all like her family does about how she’s stuck

“Are you okay? You sound upset.”

>“I’m fine.”

>That’s a lie if you ever heard one

>Jon leans back into view and mouths “She’s not.”

“I mean, you just got letters from the rescue team and your family about how they don’t expect to see you again…”

>“No. I’m fine. Everything is just fine.”

>The spell is starting to fade off of her eyes

>She’s very obviously on the verge of tears

>It’s too easy to forget that she’s not a cartoon character anymore

>Here she is with all this power, but under it all she’s just a sad, scared girl

 

 

>Jon nods towards the door

“I, uh… I have an appointment I need to keep. I have to go.”

>All things considered, Twilight’s keeping a remarkably straight face

>“Yeah… don’t want to be late…”

>Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to check

>You’re in the awkward position of having to stay and comfort her if she starts crying and be late for the time you set with Evan, or getting there on time and making Twilight even more miserable by looking like an indifferent prick

>Jon sees his opening and makes the choice for you

>“Twilight, what do you say we call off the troubleshooting for today? We can do the math for humidity-related corrosion on the other half of the components tomorrow.”

>“I… I have something I wanted to do downstairs, anyway. Let’s stop for today.”

>You give her plenty of space as she slowly trudges past you

>She’s quietly talking to herself, muttering about not making progress

>Once she’s gone, you and your father share a tense moment of silence

“She’s not doing so well.”

>“Neither are we if she has to stay here permanently. You should get going. We’ll deal with this later.”

“Are you sure? I mean, she’s really upset.”

>“I don’t see a reason for her to do anything drastic.”

“If you say so.”

>Turning for the door, you hear Jon speak one last time before you leave

>“There’s supposed to be a drizzle tonight.”

“Thank you.”

>You grab your raincoat and head for your car

>Once you’re in the driver’s seat, you take a few seconds to clear your head

 

 

>Breathe in

>Breathe out

>Act like nothing happened

>Just forget it all for the next few hours

>Keep your home life and outdoor life totally separate

>Then you turn the key in the ignition and drive

>Evan’s the kind of guy who lives in a neighborhood of McMansions, but his family only has a two story home

>Not exactly rich, but not exactly middle-class

>He’s got parents in well-paid jobs that can always provide, but he’s actually got a better work ethic than you do

>One of the jokes between you and him is that he’s part of the Jewish conspiracy

>Which makes sense, because, well, he’s a full-blooded, Mitzvah’d (but secular) Jew and he loves conspiracy theories

>Not in-your-face orthodox Jewish or massive-nosed caricature Jewish

>Just the “Oh, he’s Jewish? I guess that makes sense. Moving on…” sort of Jewish

>Personally, he’s very detail oriented

>Whether it’s the backstory of the only Imperial Officer in Star Wars who’s wearing a white uniform or what color Stalin painted his toenails on the day after the thirtieth anniversary of the October Revolution, he knows it

>Booksmart as he is about Star Wars and Soviet history, he’s a magnificent dumbass sometimes

 

 

>Such as right now, when you’re picking him up at his front door

>He’s squatting down to baby-talk to his family’s new puppy, which pulls up the ankles of his pants just enough for you to tell he’s wearing a blue sock on his left foot and a white one on his right foot

>It’s enough to put a little smile on your face, despite the trouble you left at home

>As he hops in the passenger seat, you can’t help but jab at him for his choice of clothing

“Nice footwear.”

>“It’s the new style. It's called ‘I wasn't looking when I pulled these out of the laundry.’”

>He slams the door shut behind himself, buckles in, and you start driving

>“You got the gift card?”

“Right here.”

>You tap on the plastic through your pocket and whip out the item as soon as you come to a stop sign

>He takes it from you as you hand it to him

>“Thanks. Sorry about asking you like that. I didn’t mean to seem needy or anything, it’s just that-”

“No problem. I forgot something, you reminded me, and we needn’t make any more of it. You’re so self-conscious about how Jewish you seem that it’s actually making you act more Jewish.”

>Out into the intersection and onto the main roads

>“At least I’m not my cousin.”

>Oh fuck, THAT guy

“I never could stand him.”

 

 

>“Who can? It’s hard to like a guy with the resume of a vending machine distribution manager and the ego of a billionaire. Jesus Christ, it’s almost like he wants people to hate him.”

>Ah, friendship

>The only relationship in which it’s acceptable for two people to make horrible, horrible jokes about eachother

“You can’t say ‘Jesus!’ Doesn’t the Torah have rules about that?”

>“I don’t think so, and you can’t exactly take Moses’ name in vain without standing out. Besides, who swears to him? He’s smalltime compared to big J in terms of cultural influence.”

“Just checkin.’”

>“As opposed to just Chechen. Did you hear about how the Czech embassy’s twitter account got spammed by people who didn’t know the difference between Chechnya and the Czech Republic when they found out the Marathon bombing was done by Chechen Muslims?”

“Two things. One: that pun was terrible. Two: yes, because we talked about it at your birthday.”

>“Oh yeahhhhh… well what about the ‘Crisis Actors’ theory that’s been cropping up?”

“Are we still talking about the bombing?”

>“I guess you haven’t, then. People think that the bombing was all makeup and special effects, and the gub’ment had actors be the people who were ‘hit’ by the ‘explosion.’”

“That’s hilarious! Have they done any real investigation into this or just speculated and shut out anyone who tries to find flaws in the theory like they usually do?”

>“It’s business as usual.”

 

 

“Goddamn, for all the whining about non-conspiracists being sheep who never question anything they’re told, the conspiracy theorists are just as bad. The only difference is that they follow a different shepherd.”

>“This is exactly why I can’t take them seriously. All the popular theories about recent stuff have huge loose ends that you can never ask about, but coming to an unreasonable conclusion based on a tiny inconsistency in something ‘mainstream’ is perfectly acceptable. In this case, it’s people. How many people would you have to get to keep quiet to pull that sort of thing off, discounting the use of mind-control and robots of any type?”

“Let me see… twenty dozen victims… hundreds of hospital workers and first responders… I’m coming up with approximately one fuckton of people, give or take.”

>“And they’ve all been quiet for a month now. Hell, the people who R&D’d, piloted, and erased all evidence of the holographic cruise missiles used on 9/11 are still quiet. So are the people who abducted the passengers and created voice synthesizers to impersonate them calling their families from the planes. That’s sort of hard to believe now that the AP’s release of phone records to the government is public knowledge."

>He shifts in his seat a bit so he can gesture and emphasize his point

 

 

>“The more people involved, the more likely it is that one of them’s going to stop and say ‘wait, isn’t this wrong?’ or fuck up and leave something incriminating to be found. It’s why a public REX 84 is flawed, too; they can’t brand dissidents convincingly enough as the enemy. A massive roundup of dissidents would only create more dissidents, possibly amongst the ones doing the rounding up.”

>One more prod at him, just because the conversation’s getting a little too serious for what you had to deal with before you left to pick him up and you can’t exactly talk about your life right now

“I’d believe it if your big brother sided with The Big Brother and threw us both into FEMA camps for being in a dissidence-prone demographic. I bet he’d go along with it because he thinks it’s funny.”

>“I always knew he’d join the Marines.”

“You did?”

>“There was this one time the teacher gave him a Mad Lib. He wrote ‘fuck’ for every adjective, verb, noun, and adverb, then wrote ‘fuckasaurus sex’ when it asked him for the name of a dinosaur. He laughed all the way to the principal’s office, no regrets. Genius humor like that can only come from a Jarhead.”

>That IS quite witty

 

 

“Heh, you have to admire grunt humor for its simplicity!”

>“Back to my point, though, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a conspiracy to create ridiculous conspiracy theories and distract from the ones that make sense. The Soviets did it after the JFK assassination and they later commented on how it was too easy to get westerners to believe outrageous lies.”

>And there’s Evan’s obsession with obscure Cold War history coming into play

“Why do you always fixate on the Soviets like that?”

>“Why don’t you? They have those fuzzy hats like the one General Ourumov wore in ‘Goldeneye!’”

>You take one hand off the wheel to facepalm, splaying your fingers so you can still see the road

>“You know, the cylindrical one that’s-”

“Oh god, forget I even asked…”

>Gesturing upwards towards nothing in particular, you remove your hand from your face

“Illuminati! Let’s talk about them instead.”

>“If they’re as influential as they’re made out to be, we wouldn’t even know that name, and they definitely wouldn’t go plastering their symbols on our money.”

“True. They’d have to be pretty cocky to wave their conspiracy in our faces.”

 

 

>“Yeah, but right under people’s noses is an effective hiding spot if it’s used well. Going back to what you said, I think the good conspiracy theories are the ones that you have to admire for their simplicity, too. Let's turn on the radio. I bet I can make a believable one right now. No robots, reptoids, or mind control.”

>He leans forward and pushes the volume control in

>A second later, the car is filled with British-accented voices discussing how Africa is having another bad day

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0189p8q

(Audio link: BBC World Service’s program that aired on May 18, 2013. Start the audio at the 44 minute mark. The website says that this link will go dead sometime in 2014, so get it while you can! Or don’t. I’m just suggesting things. It’s not like you actually need to do them.)

 

>“Hmm… I could use that one, but it’d rely too much on antagonizing the UN. That’s been done to death. Let’s wait for the next story.”

>Minutes later, they’re talking about how Richard Wagner is still controversial in Germany, even at his bicentennial

>“Ooh! THIS is a good one. Wagner’s anti-Semitism is a product of the Catholic Church.”

“You’ve got a beginning and an end. Connect the dots and let’s see if it makes sense.”

 

 

>“During the Middle Ages, the Clergy decided that collecting money on loans wasn’t ‘living by the sweat of one’s brow,’ and therefore sinful. This made the economy of Europe stall, because nobody would loan money if they couldn’t make a living of it and still go to heaven. However, there was a loophole. Jews were technically exempt. Jewish Sheol and Christian Hell are two different things, so the Jews ignored the clergy and became the bankers that Europe deserved, but not the ones they needed right now.”

“Alright, Commissioner Gordon, what does that have to do with Wagner?”

>Right on cue, the program shifts to an interview with a German historian

>“As a result of all this, Jewish families got more and more experience and influence in banking, becoming synonymous with banking and wealth. Banking became synonymous with division and the status quo. When the Germanic states wanted to unify and have a national bank for a single German country, Jewish bankers didn’t want to go along with it. It would be a messy operation to integrate all of their banks, and more than a few of them would probably lose their fortunes in the process.”

>The historian on the radio makes a statement about how anti-Semitism was pretty much the popular opinion in the 19th century’s Germanic states

 

 

>“And like they said just there on the radio, that’s what everyone at the time was frustrated with, not just Wagner. They wanted change and had to go up against a system that wanted things to stay the same. Through only some fault of its own, the face of that system was the Star of David.”

>He reclines in the passenger seat and crosses his arms in front of him

>“Quid Erat Demonstratus.”

“You got the suffix wrong. It’s ‘demonstratUM.’”

>“Still, it was a convincing theory, right?”

“I guess it makes sense… but how can we be 100% certain this wasn’t just a series of accidents, well intentioned mistakes, and coincidences? Can we confirm there was some Cardinal who thought to himself ‘gee, I bet we can dick over those heretical Jews in a way that’s totally not counterintuitive if we give them loads of money’ or something?”

>“We can’t. Isn’t it exciting, though? It keeps me up at night, wondering if there really are centuries-old secret societies constantly fighting it out in the background and knowing that spy drama is always happening between countries. My theory would definitely make Gavrilo Princip’s life story more interesting.”

“Who?”

>“Second most influential man of the twentieth century. He shot Archduke Ferdinand and started the First World War.”

>He’s bringing up the World Wars?

 

 

“Wait a minute… are you trying to say-”

>“You guessed it. In a really roundabout way, the Catholic Church almost prevented the Second Reich and accidentally caused the Third Reich! That’s unless they were genius enough to plan this sort of thing and keep that plan on track for almost a millennium despite countless changes of leadership in the church. Then it was for intentionally turning public opinion against Jews far enough to have someone rise to power on the platform of ‘I’ll kill the Jews.’”

>That’s not fair!

“You said you were coming up with a believable one!”

>“But I did!”

“No you didn’t! Linking it to Hitler is cheating!”

>“Is not!”

“Is too!”

>“I didn’t make him important or like Wagner: he just IS IMPORTANT and liked Wagner. I never said the Catholic Church definitely did this. I’m just saying that it might have happened like that, so I’m not going to convince myself this is the reason it happened until all the other possibilities seem less likely than that one.”

>Neither of you speak for a few seconds

>The radio keeps going, talking about how Hitler did actually like Wagner’s music and opinions

>Well, Evan did have a point until he ruined it

“As balls-to-the-wall crazy as that one got, I have to admit that you had me going for a minute.”

>“Not saying it did happen because of that. I’m just saying it’s exciting to think that it might have.”

“You listen to too much Alex Jones.”

 

 

>Evan shuts down the radio

>“His opinions and callers are kind of wack, but the raw information he broadcasts is useful. I like his show for that. Did you hear about Ryan Fogle?”

“As much as it sounds like you made that name up, I did. He got some coverage on NPR.”

>“No relation to Archibald Spoob, the visionary writer behind the ‘Time Traveling Child Molesters’ videogames. The man’s a complete genius. The TTCM series is like Max Payne, Metal Gear Solid, and Watchmen all combined in terms of its attention to detail.”

>This is that in-joke you told Twilight about

>Needless to say, it was Evan’s idea, not yours

>You go along with it because it reminds you of the insane stuff the pedestrians in Grand Theft Auto make small talk about

>Sometimes you even talk about it in public with him just because the “What the fuck did I just overhear?” looks on peoples’ faces are so priceless

“Oh man, I’ve been meaning to get the fifteenth entry to that series for forever!”

>“I won’t spoil it for you, but the twist in the second act is absolutely mind boggling. You should get it. Anyway, Fogle… worst American spy ever?”

“Approaching the Russians and saying ‘I be double agent now, da?’ with a spare passport and a pair of fake mustaches in his pocket just goes to show how hard the sequester is hitting the CIA’s training and Q-branch equivalent.”

 

 

>“This year has been so embarrassing for the US. I’m actually starting to lose internet arguments about how the US could get its redemption from all this shame.”

“I doubt it’ll get any better before it gets worse.”

>“The AP phone records leak is just the tip of the iceberg. Mark my words.”

“Marked.”

>Evan looks out the window for a second and gets his bearings

>“Hey, I think we’re going to go by Danilo’s house. Let me call him up and… fuck.”

“I thought you were just friends.”

>He’s rapidly feeling his pockets for something he can’t find

>“No, I forgot my phone! I was going to call him and see if he’s already got a ride to Drew’s thing. Do you have his number in your phone?”

“I don’t think I do. I mean, I only know him through you.”

>“Can I see it and check?”

“Only if you keep both your hands on it and keep the car windows shut.”

>You pull up to a stop light and pop the phone out of your holster for him

>He scrolls through the contacts list for a minute, then gives up and puts the phone in the center console

>“Nope, he’s not here. Damn.”

“Ah well, we can swing by his house and check.”

>“This reminds me, actually. Did that kid I talked to on Wednesday have you call me back? You didn’t get back to me for a few hours.”

>What?

>What is he talking about?

“What kid?”

 

 

>He picks the phone up again and goes to your call logs

>You glance over to him as the stop light turns green

>There are two incoming calls from Evan on Wednesday, both around nine in the morning

>One of them was picked up

>All you did was call him back after you saw a ‘missed call’ notification

>“I tried calling twice. Nobody picked up on the first time, but the second time some kid answered me.”

>Spike

>Spike is paving a road to hell

>Everything had been perfect until now, and now they’ve had outside contact with someone who you convinced to watch half of season one

>He might have watched more, but you were commenting on how they rarely reuse pieces of music in MLP seconds before they started reusing a piece of music

>Now you have to make the straightest poker face of your life because Spike’s a fucking idiot

>“He actually sounded kind of familiar, but I couldn’t place it.”

“I think I know who it was”

>“Do I know him?

“It’s one of the neighbors’ kids. There’s one that actually has the same name as you. You know how my mom is with kids: She probably had him over to babysit for a couple of hours and the kid picked up my phone while I wasn’t in the room.”

>That’s half true

>One of the neighbors’ children is named Evan

>“Okay, I just want to be sure that you’re not trying to re-enact level seven of ‘TTCM 8: The Molestification of Levittown.’”

 

 

>Deflect suspicion with a joke and change the subject

“Nah, it’s closer to ‘Inter-dimensional Zoophile Squad 3: Consent at all Cost’ level two. Anyway, we’re almost at Dan’s apartment.”

>You pull off of the main road and into the condo complex

>As you approach his condo, you see that his family’s cars aren’t there

>You stop and honk the horn, and after a short delay Dan comes out the door

>He jumps into the backseat and tries to join the conversation

>“Hey Evan, hey Jake. I’m guessing you got my message, E?”

>“Funny thing about that… I actually forgot my phone at home.”

>“You mean you guessed? Wow, thanks for coming to check! I’d be missing the pre-fireworks stuff for this town fair carnival thing if you’d just driven by.”

“Do you think they’re going to do the fireworks tonight? I heard there’s supposed to be a drizzle.”

>“Then it’s that much better that you decided to pick me up. I’d hate to get there and have there be nothing to do.”

>“It’s not like they can’t make a rain date. There’s going to be a heat wave coming up.”

>There’s a heat wave of internal rage you’ll unleash as you get home

>For now, keep it separate

>Act like nothing happened, and enjoy an afternoon amongst friends

 

 

 

#IRCAddamsLocal

Server time 5/18/2013, 19:22

 

19:22:19@ElizaLaptop: Dinner’s served! Fried kale and zucchini over quinoa.

19:22:25@JonDesktop has signed off

19:22:30@Basement: Have you ever had one of those days when five things went wrong for every one thing that went right?

19:22:40@ElizaLaptop: Everyone has.

19:22:50@ElizaLaptop: I’ve seen more than a few happen, and I’ve had several.

19:22:52:@Basement: That’s comforting to know.

19:22:54@Basement: Humans seem socially and psychologically similar enough. Maybe I could find a way to fit in.

 

 

19:23:05@ElizaLaptop: I thought I heard you sobbing earlier…

19:23:09@Basement: I’m a hair’s breadth from the worst possible kind of death. All of my friends and family, everyp0ny I knew except for Spike… I’ll never see them again. If I lose Spike, I won’t even hear from them. I’ll be socially dead. Isolated. Alone.

19:23:18@Basement: I heard a report on the radio today about how people inside the Gaza Strip are paying exorbitant fees to have food smuggled in from a restaurant across the border in Egypt. It’s supposed to be very tasty for humans. The Fried Chicken Restaurant of Kentucky, or something along those lines. Couriers are bringing deliveries through tunnels that the militants used to bring supplies for fighting Israel.

19:23:24@Basement: The Gazans wouldn’t starve if that tunnel collapses. It would benefit the Gazan food vendors, but it would be a change for the worse. Those people don’t get comfort food when they need it, and they have to live with something different and arguably less palatable.

19:23:40@ElizaLaptop: I could bring your dinner down to you, if you’d like.

19:23:41@Basement: I’d appreciate that. No need to hurry on my account, though.

19:23:45@Basement: I’ve got all the time in the world.

 

 

 

Part 3 (Author's note: Holy shit this part is 72000 characters long what the fuck was I doing)

 

>Wednesday, May 22, 4:57pm

>One of many days to come on Earth, Jon Addams’ office

>It’s been about four months, for the record

>You are Twilight Sparkle

>You’ve had your delusions

>Going home soon

>Getting the Canterlot Computer to finally stop malfunctioning

>A ‘computer’ being a metaphorical gateway to the greatest collection of information you’ve ever known

>That last one has been the only one you didn’t doubt, and now you’re regretting it

>A dual-boot Ubuntu/Windows 7 OS quad-core running at ~2.4GhZ per core with 3Gb of random access memory and two 500Gb magnetic secondary storage devices, plus a pair of earbud style speakers and a 1280 by 768 pixel liquid crystal display

>Compared to the Canterlot Computer, that’s awesome!

>Not the way that Rainbow Dash uses the word, either

>It actually inspires awe in you that this could be purchased and assembled for less than a month’s salary at a minimum-legal-wage job, giving you access to what you’ve come to think of as the joining of your consciousness with that of the human species

>Then you realize that this was made with much less than a month’s salary, and you might have forever to use it

>It wasn’t worth the tradeoff of never going home

 

 

>The ‘monitor’ has a patch of ‘pixels’ which were hit by a desk lamp and no longer function, one of the ‘RAM’ slots is fell victim to a ‘short circuit’ during a DIY maintenance, and the ‘earbuds’ are not designed for a p0ny’s ears

>You’re also not allowed to make an ‘electronic mail’ account because there’s a popular suspicion that these are under surveillance and could be used to find you out

>It just figures that those are needed to register for essential services on many ‘web sites’

>C’est la vie, as they say in Les Basses Terres du Griffon

>Most of the ‘internet’ is used for entertainment or ‘adult entertainment,’ according to the warnings Jake had the foresight to leave in the user guide

>Fortunately, the ‘internet’ is so extensive that the educational parts are nothing short of massive

>You’re more than occupied with the few ‘web sites’ recommended to you

>That can only mean that the rest is large enough to distract you until the end of time

>If you’re told that you’ll definitely need it until the end of time, you’re not sure how you’d feel

>It would take more than silly pictures of cats to cheer you up, that much is certain

>It had been curiosity that drew you to study human culture

>Now it’s necessity

>But… you have all the time in the world

>No rush, no deadlines

>No purpose outside of fixing the ‘Canterlot Computer’

 

 

>You’ll get to the cultural studies when you’re done troubleshooting

>Or when you’re distracted

>Cats are a large part of human entertainment on the ‘internet’

>Noted

>True to the warnings, it was difficult to tear yourself away from the entertainment ‘sites’

>Spike would probably never relinquish the ‘computer’ if you taught him how to use it

>That’s not going to happen, because 1: he’d break something (well, MORE of something), 2: he’s liable to stumble across something inappropriate, and 3: he’s grounded

>It seems as if some ‘pages’ of the ‘internet’ are inaccessible, no matter what you try

>Sometimes trying to access it twice in a row will give you access, or waiting and trying again later

>You wanted to study the ‘Wild Western Frontier’ portion of this country’s history so you could understand the movies better, but nearly every ‘page’ of the encyclopedia related to mail service and communication is in a part of the internet that’s broken

>It’s an annoyance you REALLY don’t need right now

>Wouldn’t humans have ironed out all the problems with this system already?

>It seems as if none of your hosts’ computers have any problems

>Now that the last of your hopes have fallen through, you’ve run out of options

 

 

>No going home

>Your family, friends, mentor, and all the rest are something you have to imagine with the aid of alphabetical characters and punctuation

>No going outside

>Jake is adamant that it wouldn’t go well, his parents share his opinion to an extent, and using a spell to disguise yourself wouldn’t be reliable enough to prevent your discovery

>Nothing

>Nothing except fixing this darned pile of ponyfeathers called the ‘Canterlot Computer’

>The carrot of the ‘internet,’ flawed as it is, dangles before you

>You’re restrained from it by your commitment to share this gift with others and your incompetence in attempting to do so

>This is a bad dream

>It has to be

>The symbolism, the similarities to the waking world, the constant fear

>It’s all there

>This has to be a bad dream

>What other possibility is there?

>There is no explanation for how you alone could travel to an alternate universe, even if it does prove several philosophical and metaphysical arguments

>That could be the manifestation of your biases, but it shouldn’t be possible

>This is Equestria

>You’re already home

>The star charts and geography prove it

>Why?

>Why would a nightmare be so depressing and ironic?

>Is this mental self-torture?

 

 

>“That looks like a normal resistance even if they applied the insulation wrong. I’m stumped again. Are you having any luck, Twilight?”

“Huh?”

>Jon puts down the sheets he was holding to look at you directly

>You’re a little bit embarrassed to have spaced out again

“Sorry, Jon. I can’t even think of what lead we should pursue next.”

>“You seem like you’ve been having trouble thinking at all.”

“I’m fine. Just a little preoccupied and worried.”

>Jon’s bifocals function more like trifocals; there are reading lenses, distance lenses, and ‘looking over the frame to show concern and disbelief simultaneously’

>The third lens of his bifocals is in full effect

>He knows you’re lying, but he continues with business

>“What haven’t we gone over yet?”

“Uh... do you actually want to see the list, or was that a rhetorical?”

>“Rhetorical.”

“Right. I think Spike might be laying on top of it, anyway.”

>“I think that we should

 

 

>Any simple question you ask is likely to have an unpleasant answer or no answer at all, but the complex ones are crystal clear

>The constant failure

>All these things that are simply wrong, but you can’t do anything about them

>Death, all around you, in a multitude of forms

>It’s all a dream

>There has to be a way to wake up, or at least contact Luna

>You considered the possibility that she’s in your dream already, but in Equestria

>Writing to her seems like the logical thing to do if you know this is a dream

>The only problem is that it’s so vivid

>If you wrote to her and asked if this is a dream, but you were wrong, then what?

>So you’re stuck waiting from a sign from Luna

>Luna might not be able to communicate with you directly if a comatose state is too different from normal dreams

>She might only be able to drop hints, like one of the pieces of music in the list being titled ‘Moonlight Sonata’ as a way of showing that she has some influence over your coma dream

>There aren’t many resources to consult on the topic of her dreamwalking abilities, so you can’t be sure

>Likewise, any resources you consult now might just contain your presumptions from when you were awake

>It could also be the case that you have a faint awareness of the events occurring around you in reality

>“Then again, they said they’re keeping the computer fastidiously… Twilight, you’ve got that stare again.”

 

 

>The strange frequency of opium, opiates, and other drugs being mentioned could be because you’re overhearing the ponies around you discussing your treatment

>That’s more than slightly alarming, because the advertisement shown on the ‘television’ during intermissions sometimes try to sell medicine for prostate conditions

>If you were to wake up to discover you’ve somehow grown a prostate and prostate-related organs, you might faint and need to be resuscitated all over again

>And then when you woke up for good, you’d still have to come to terms with a body that’s not entirely your own

>What if that’s what happened?

>What if you somehow teleported into another pony, and this is your brain merging with theirs?

>Have you made yourself into a freak, ruining another’s life in the process?

>Is that possible?

>For that matter, who could you be merging with?

>Who in Ponyville would think about war and conflict so frequently?

>What if-

>Oh Celestia, no…

>What if your brother was coming to Golden Oaks Library on a surprise visit, but he was somehow in the same spot as the one you tried to occupy, and you’re living out a representation of both of your minds combined?!

>…actually, that wouldn’t explain the humans

>Nothing does

>False alarm, hopefully

>“Hellooooo…?”

 

 

>This might be one of those times when it’s good to be wrong

>You’re not about to go through probability ratios just to find out that’s even more impossible than a teleportation gone wrong causing head trauma and loss of consciousness

>While browsing the ‘internet’ to confirm some hypotheses about human/pony neurological similarities, you came across the reason humans stopped using phrenology

>It was alarmingly recent, considering how speculative and unproven phrenology is, but that’s beside the point

>There’s this ‘Phineas Gage’ fellow who made history for having a tamping rod driven up through his jaw and out the top of his head in a dynamite drilling accident

>He survived, but…

>Well… there’s a silly limerick about him because humans are macabre like that

>A moral man, Phineas Gage/Tamped dynamite down for his wage/‘Til his special-made probe/Pierced his left frontal lobe/Now he’s vulgar, drunk, and enraged

>“‘Tom!’ No answer. ‘Tom!’ No answer.”

 

 

>That last line is based mostly on hearsay and could be exaggerated, but all accounts of Phineas after the accident point to a change in personality

>If you’ve had a brain injury, it could account for both your emotional distress and the violent nature of the dream

>The emotional distress and violence could be symbolic of your physical pain, in which case the opium had better kick in soon

>A head injury could explain unreliable magic, both while awake and dreaming

>No need to panic about that yet

>“Dah dah dit dah, dit di dit, dit dah di dit, dit di dah dah di dit.”

>Let’s save panic for when you’ve entirely lost your ability to do magic

>You don’t want anything to happen to Shining Armor, least of all something that’s your fault, but breaking your horn would be second only to hurting him

>It would be hard to forgive yourself if you disfigured him like that

>Especially if you’ve gained his prostate

>The prostate business is probably just doctors discussing another patient, but what about the dynamite trend that’s popping up?

>That’s a strike against the idea that you’re hearing things outside of the dream (seriously, what medical treatment involves dynamite?)

>Though if you were right about the merging hypothesis, it might mean he’s somewhere on Earth too…

>No, no more hoping for the impossible

>That's what got you into this mess

>“Twlight? Jon to Twilight, do you read?”

 

 

>Oh, right!

>You’re in Jon’s office making no headway with the Canterlot Computer, as usual

>Almost everything unrelated to its maintenance is out of your schedule

>If you can’t go home, you’d like to have something other than a failed experiment as your legacy

>That’s looking more and more unlikely

>What’s not usual is that Spike is grounded and needs to be under constant supervision, so he’s present as well

>In body, if not in mind

>He’s been bored to sleep on some note stacks that have been arranged as an improvised bed

>You’re becoming much less attentive as well

>Part of the cause is restraining your temptation to abandon the Canterlot Computer and use the ‘internet’ 16 hours a day, 7 days a week

>It would be 24 hours a day, but house rules are that it’s off between midnight and dawn

>The other part is the dread you feel when you ask yourself “Now what can I do?” or “How is this possible?”

>Now that you’ve heard a question from Jon instead of from yourself, you need to reply

>Even if you only caught part of the question

“Wha- Yes, I like reading! It’s one of my favorite pastimes.”

>That blurted response only gets you more suspicious looks from your host and colleague

>“Twilight, I could tell you weren’t listening.”

 

 

“No, I was listening! Really!”

>If this was poker, you’d be getting called with a hoof of… of…

>Whatever is a bad hoof to be dealt in poker

>There’s a reason you never play that game

>“You didn’t bat an eyelid as I was quoting literature and speaking in Morse code. There’s no way you were listening.”

“Code?”

>“I’ll explain after we finish for the day. What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing. I came up with something silly to worry about, then realized it didn’t make sense once I thought about it. I’m fine now!”

>“You’re not fine, so don’t pretend these lapses aren’t cause for concern. Nobody is going to be able to help you if you don’t

>This has been happening ever since you got the letter

>Whenever you’re unoccupied or in a one-way conversation without a turn to speak, your mind wanders, speculates and worries

>Celestia said she would do everything she could to bring you home

>If it involves her death, it’s not worth it

>Still, you need something to hang on to

>“Twilight? Oh, for Christ’s sake…”

 

 

>Some shred of hope you can cling to so you can keep yourself going

>Going home soon was the optimistic delusion: now going home EVER is the optimistic delusion

>Thinking this is all a dream isn’t delusional

>That’s the likeliest explanation for all this

>Going home could be a metaphor for waking up

>“Listen to me!”

“AAHHH!”

>But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t treat this like it isn’t real

>Not until you confirm it somehow

>Jon surprised you and caused you to stumble into a pile of scrap papers covered in equations, Griffonic seafood recipies, and creative profanities born of frustration

>That certainly felt real

>Pegasi never mention how much wings dig into their sides when they fall on them, and you have no idea why

>You groan and get back onto your hooves again, bruised by your new and not necessarily useful limbs

“I… wow. I'm sorry. I need a break.”

>“Take as long as you need.”

>The door to the kitchen is pulled open by your magic

>You trot through it thinking of how they’re sincerely concerned about you

>So is Spike, as he sat up to see what the commotion was before deciding he didn’t need to do anything and laying back down

 

 

>He’s obviously upset about the punishment, but he’s taking it like a champ

>Not a very talkative champ, but he’s not griping or trying to avoid his punishment

>This all started when Jake came home from that event he was attending on Saturday night

>You watched some of it, but you didn’t catch the part where Jake seemed to figure out that his ‘cell phone’ had been used by Spike

>It wasn’t something you could stand to watch much of

>Seeing him with his friends reminded you too much of how you’re separated from yours

>But when Jake got back late that night, he was quite upset

>Naturally, you were upset that Spike let his instinctive side run loose like that

>Not as upset as Jake, but having just obtained access to what amounts to a collective consciousness meant you weren’t about to let Spike get away with something that could jeopardize its availability to you

>There were two possible outcomes to your discovery that were laid out for you and Spike on the morning that Spike confessed

 

 

>If you were discovered by the public and garnered media attention, the attention would only increase and increase to the point where every thing you do would be seen and scrutinized by billions of humans

>Then you might also have to deal with the political responsibility of being the sole representative of an entire planet

>That’s the sort of position that nothing can prepare somep0ny for

>One poorly worded sentence could lead to disaster

>Spike would have his workload go from idleness to his physical limits in the span of days

>And if humans manage to finagle a dark magic-fueled portal between worlds out of you or some magicians back home…

>No, you don’t want to think about that

>It’s not like they could get enough skilled magicians who would be willing to commit mental suicide, right?

>In summary, it would be bad for stress and possibly bad for productivity, but you still might be able to get something done

>Perhaps you would even get better supplies and equipment

>Or perhaps one crazy human would decide that you’re better off dead

>You’re essentially a little green space alien to humans, and humans have something against little green space aliens

>They’ve been blamed for a spate of abductions, though whether they actually exist is debatable

 

 

>The other outcome is that you’re discovered by an organization or person that can keep you hidden against your will

>At that point, your life would be out of your control and up to… someone

>Jake believes that the worst case scenario is that this someone might use you for selfish purposes and possibly separate you from Spike

>He tried to break this to you gently (read: over a bowl of ice cream), but he made a promise to be honest

>When you asked if there was a possibility of that someone deciding to kill you, he told you to look up the sorts of things that humans believe are done to captured space aliens

>There’s a decent chance it would end in dissection or vivisection

>You relayed this to Celestia, and she said she wants you to delay your discovery by anyhuman else as long as you can

>This means you’re stuck with only a few people to interact with, but at least you can work in peace and buy time for the CCU/CSGU and Qilin to find other potential methods of rescuing you

>There’s just too much risk and uncertainty in interacting with other humans

>It’s not what you’d like, but this is the situation you’re in

>It also seems like the males fear you

>THEY fear YOU

 

 

>How long did you think that was the other way around?

>They really don’t know what they’re doing to your magic, do they?

>Jon still sees magic as a mystical and confusing transitional state of energy that’s barely compatible with ‘atomic’ theory (to be fair, it is)

>Jake doesn’t understand magic, so you’ve been feeding him tidbits to help him understand just enough to feel comfortable

>This means your experiments with the ‘T. Sparkle Antimagic Field’ can’t be purely magical experimentation

>You’re also going to have to manipulate your hosts into various states of trust and determine how using magic to fulfill their requests affects its potency

>This is going to be horribly deceitful and degrading to everyone involved, but this is about magic, and potentially getting home

>Getting them to trust you and want you gone at the same time is going to be difficult

>Doubly so if they find your magic too useful to give up

>Maybe the Elements of Harmony could be used?

>Those have enough of Celestia’s and Luna’s stored magic to accomplish almost anything, but they only work in very specific circumstances…

>The sound of footsteps in the hallway snaps you out of your reflective pause

>You find yourself sitting in the center of the kitchen floor, but you don’t remember when you sat down

>By process of elimination, you know it’s Jake before you see him

 

 

>There’s something about him that started recently

>Whenever you’re around him, you get the sensation that there’s someone staring at you

>It might be the fabled yet unproven ‘gut instincts’ that came with the earth pony portion of your alicorn package or guilt for your own spying, but there’s no way to tell

>You try to make it seem like you meant to pause in the kitchen by quickly getting a cup out of the cupboard and filling it in the sink

>Meanwhile, Jake idly passes you, paying you no mind

>You notice that he’s wearing rather ragged pants and old-looking shoes right now

>He hits the power button on the ‘radio’ as he strides towards the ‘refrigerator’

>It’s playing the top of the hour news

>You take a gulp of water and listen

>There was a broad daylight ‘religiously motivated’ murder in the United Kingdom that took five times longer than average for police to respond to

>A tornado hit the US state of Oklahoma on Monday, destroying several towns

>The Marathon Bombing is being connected to a triple murder that occurred several years ago in a neighborhood only a few miles away, though the suspect in that murder was shot by police during questioning after he allegedly attacked his captors

>All the sorts of things you’d never hear about in Equestria

>The last thing you need is a reminder of what kind of world you’re stuck in

>Your voice unintentionally tremors as you ask a favor of your hosts

“W-would you please turn that off?”

 

 

>“Hmm? Oh, my bad. I wasn’t thinking.”

“That sounds nice.”

>Jake stops rummaging through the appliance and shuts off the ‘radio’

>“What does?

“Not thinking. I’m starting to wonder if I think too much.”

>“Is that possible?”

“I think it is.”

>You bring the cup to your lips and down the rest in a single gulp

>Jake doesn’t take the opportunity to speak as you drink

>Probably because he realized the absurdity of your statement before you did

“Heh, there I go again. I can’t stop myself.”

>He kneels down to your level

>“What are you thinking about? The news?”

>Amongst other things

“Yeah. It’s just too jarring. I mean, really? Loose tornadoes? How far do you have to let weather control go for that to happen?”

>“If you’re worried that we’re going to be hit by one, don’t. We rarely even get tropical storms here.”

“It’s like… I don’t know, what if Ponies didn’t have Celestia or Windigoes or weather control? Would it be like this in Equestria?”

>“Is Celestia that important?”

>Did he really just ask that?

>Seriously?

>That has to be the most ignorant-

>Duh, of course it’s a stupid question

>You didn’t remember to get him a history book

>“Your facial expression says yes.”

>It’s not a pleasant face you’re making, but it could be interpreted that way

>At least now you have something other than your situation to think about, even though frustration is barely a step above sadness

 

 

“Thank you for reminding me that I haven’t got that history book for you.”

>“You’re welcome, I guess.”

“I’m going to forgive you for asking an ignorant question on the grounds of ignorance. ‘Is Celestia that important’ is on par with ‘what are internets?’”

>“…Okay, educate me.”

>This is something you’re more than willing to do

“She’s the keystone to society and practically queen of the world! You could call the entire planet Equestria and still be technically correct, though not politically correct. FURTHERMORE, she is the role model for every living being. Smart, strong, moral… she’s the definition of grace and perfection.”

>“So she’s an immortal god-empress?”

>Try not to find that offensive

>Jake’s probably comparing her to things he already knows

“She’s not a ‘god,’ Equestria is not an empire, and she’s not immortal. That last one is a common misconception; it just seems like that because she’s powerful enough to use age spells frequently. One more thing: I’m not going to let you compare her to any human dictators because she’s held office since the foundation of Equestria. Unlike what I’ve read about North Korea, she’s legitimately as good as everyp0ny says she is.”

 

 

>Unlike humans

>Which you’re stuck with for the foreseeable future

“…And now I’m thinking about how I’ll never live under her again.”

>You lower your head and mope, levitating the cup into the sink as you do

“This is it. This is where I’ll live the rest of my life.”

>Jake reaches out to put a hand on you

>NO

>For all you know, extended physical contact with a human could drain magic from you, and you’re not about to do that experiment

>You immediately push his arm away with a forehoof

>Trying to sound forceful comes out choked and weak

“Please, don’t touch me.”

>Minutes pass

>Neither Jake nor you move

>Eventually, you raise your head again and speak in a constricted voice

“Look at Spike. He was happy because he didn’t care about anything. I’m miserable because I pay attention. It’s not even the sort of morbid fascination that makes crowds form around accidents. I just can’t stop looking. I can’t stop seeing all these problems without solutions and questions without answers. I don’t know how my magic isn’t working like it should. This mark appeared on my flank because I’m supposed to do magic, and I can’t do what it tells me to do. I’ve never felt more powerless in my entire life. I can’t fulfill my purpose.”

>There’s a lump in your throat

 

 

>You notice a warm, wet sensation coming down your left cheek as you swallow the tightness

“I’m going to die here. Even if I see it coming, there will be nothing I can do to stop it. I can’t rely on my magic to save me. This must be what it feels like to fall to one’s death.”

>“There are things to be happy about.”

“Not enough of them. It’s a ratio. It all comes down to numbers. I can’t ignore all the bad things if I want to be happy. I’d be missing so much that I couldn’t understand anything, and then I wouldn’t be happy because I don’t understand what’s going on. I can’t even voice my concerns because it would make you mad at me.”

>“I wouldn’t be mad if you’re not talking to me like I’m personally to blame.”

“Y-you wouldn’t?”

>“I wouldn’t.”

>You can feel your throat loosening up again

“You really mean that?”

>“No one can improve without listening to critics. Look at China, or DeviantArt artists. They’re terrible because they can’t handle anything except praise. You have a unique perspective. I want to hear it.”

“Deviant… art?”

>He stiffens slightly in surprise

>Maybe this is something you should look into if he’s surprised you haven’t heard of it

>“It’s an art website where most of the artists have no talent or original art. It’s not very important. Just… I don’t know, don’t think of your curiosity as a burden. Spike isn’t miserable is because he’s kind of dumb.”

>Spike breaks his unspoken vow not to speak so he can reply without leaving his makeshift paper bed

 

 

>“I WAS LISTENING, YOU KNOW.”

>Jake looks over his shoulder to defend his point without leaving the kitchen

>“LAVA LEVEL. ALSO, MY PHONE.”

>Someone shuts the office door shortly after Jake’s retort is complete

>Confident he’s won an argument about nothing important, he returns his attention to you

>“What I’m trying to…”

>Whatever he was going to say, he stopped saying it

>He stops looking at you and glares down the hallway, narrowing his eyes in suspicion and slowly standing to his full height

>“That box wasn’t there a moment ago.”

“What box?”

>You wipe your tears and rotate on the spot to follow his gaze

>There’s a large, sealed cardboard box in front of the basement door labeled ‘Emergency care package’

>You estimate it to be roughly one cubic meter in volume

>There’s a high pitched noise coming from within

>Is… is that a voice?

>It sounds like something or someone is inside the box

>Whatever it is, it’s speaking again

>“I said ‘Is it working yet?’”

>Jake and you stare in amazement and confusion

 

 

>There’s definitely a female voice coming from the box

>It speaks again, its tone a mix of excitement and frustration

>“How could I tell? I’m in a box!”

>There’s something familiar about that voice

>It’s difficult to be certain through the muffling of the cardboard, but you know that you know this voice

>“Yes, the box WAS absolutely necessary! It’s symbolic of- oh. Oh, it IS working? Well why didn’t you say so?”

>You recognize the voice now, but that can’t be right

>How is she here?

>Is that even worth asking?

 

 

“Pinkie?!”

>Without warning, the container’s top cracks open in a cascade of confetti and corrugated cardboard

>“SURPRIIIISE!”

>Nonchalant in the face of impossibility, Pinkie rears up to lean on the edge of the box and allows a sly smile to creep across her face

>“Or it woulda been, but you guessed it. Somep0ny here order a box full of smiles?”

>You’re locking eyes with one of your best friends

>Who is on Earth

>With you

>Or at least you were until she decided to look at everything except you

>“Ooh~… it all looks so real!”

>Jake is turning to go outside while quietly ranting to whoever is listening

>“Nope. Nope. This is ridiculous. I refuse to accept that the people trying to bring you back are this stupid. They did not just give us another one after they told us they can’t bring them back. Just... no. Fuck everything.”

>Pinkie calls out to him, stopping him as he’s halfway to the exterior door

>“Wait! You! Pasta-pockets human guy! You’re Jake, right?”

 

 

>He’s clearly not in the mood to consider taking in another p0ny, let alone speak with one that called him “pasta pockets”

>“I am. If you’re not back in Equestria by-”

>“Have you ever played ‘Monopoly?’”

>“Yes, what’s it to you?”

>“Twi drew a ‘go to jail’ card, but I’m just visiting. You’ve got nothing to worry about, Mister Jakey wakey eggs and bakey.”

>This relaxes him, but not by much

>“If you’re lying, I swear to whichever god will believe this is happening…”

>“Cross my heart and- oop! Hold on!”

>Pinkie begins spasming inside the box, then says the name of several body parts as the movement focuses on each one

>“Wiggly eyebrow… scrunchy nose… tappy hoof… itchy forehead…”

>Just as quickly as it began, the random movements stop

>“That was strange. I’ve never had that combo before.”

“What did it mean?”

>Pinkie raises a forehoof to her chin in contemplation

>“Hmm… I think I’ve had itchy nose when it’s about these vanara people, but never scrunchy… Ooh! Ooh! I know! A human needs to cut the grass to make something important happen! Jake, where were you about to go?”

>“I was headed out to mow the lawn and get away from the crazy pink box-p0ny.”

>Pinkie does a little hoof-pump in celebration of another accurate Pinkie Sense combo

 

 

>Jake continues on his way out, stopping by the office door

>He pushes it open and walks inside

>Not long afterward, he walks back out of the office and out the exterior door

>As he exits, Jon and Spike walk into the kitchen to get a view down the hall

>Jon is dumbstruck as Pinkie waves to him

>“Nice to meet you, Jon! My name is Pinkie! Markus says hi, and he’s wondering if you’ve tried any of his salmon recipes.”

>Spike starts running towards Pinkie and shoves past you

>He makes a running jump at her, joyfully shouting her name

>It’s a clear attempt at a tackle which transitions into a hug

>Instead of bracing herself, Pinkie rears back in the box and desperately tries to wave him off

>Ignoring or not noticing the gesture, Spike jumps to wrap himself around her neck

>It’s at this point that you notice how light seems to be striking her in a very unnatural way

>He’s still saying her name as he sails straight through her and the box, leaving both unscathed

>The tone of his voice shifts to surprise and panic a split second before he collides with the door behind her and comes to rest face down

>Pinkie cringes with the sound of the impact, then turns to assess the damage

>“Ooch. Probably should have told you that I was talking to all the magic guys doing this projection thing when I was saying how real this looked. Are you okay, Spike?”

>Projection?

>That would explain the lighting

 

 

>Spike doesn’t make a motion to get up, instead speaking into the floor

>“I’m fine, just disappointed.”

>“I know you can take a hit like that. I mean are you OKAY okay?”

>He turns himself over to be face the non-solid p0ny he just tried to hug-tackle

>“I’m grounded, but I’m not about to argue about why. I messed up. I’ll take the punishment.”

>“Sorry to hear that. You just keep on troopin’ and everything will turn out right in the end.”

>It must be some sort of spell that transposes light and sound from a small area to make a non-solid representation of objects

>It’s probably two-way if Pinkie can see and hear what’s happening (though this is Pinkie we’re talking about, so one-way isn’t out of the question)

>Either way, it begs the question of how a projection spell could go from one universe to another

>Pinkie turns back to you

>“That goes double for you, Twi! Okeydoke, on with the message.”

>She busts down the front of the box and begins bouncing toward you with a massive smile on her face

>Her hooves are making a stony sound despite the wooden floor

>“Reallyreallyreally good news! Miss Shénmì Cítiě found out that focus point 198308 using the Qi pattern control method and second revision Clover’s mental image techniques are more efficient than casting with her normal mental image techniques! I don’t know what it means, but the qilin and unicorns who are trying to bring you home think it’s exciting, so I’m excited too!”

 

 

>As Pinkie finishes speaking, she stops in front of you

>However, she doesn’t stop bouncing

>Spike times his movement to walk under her as she bounces

>He gets into the kitchen and shepherds Jon back to the office

>Jon cooperates for the most part, but he comes back to watch after a few seconds

>198308…

>That can’t be right

>That focus point’s only used for alterative spells

>Pinkie looks off towards something you can’t see, then back to you

>“My bad, it’s 081938 which is exciting. 198308 is probably boring. Do you know what that means?”

>081938 is for gravity-based spells…

> Shenmi was mentioned in a text about alternative telekinetic and teleportation techniques

>There was a footnote about how her life’s ambition was to create stable, self-sustaining portals between all of her home country’s provinces

>If she’s the one in charge of this casting…

>OH MY GOSH

>It means there’s actually a very slim chance you can go home without resorting to mind-destroying magic!

>YESYESYESYESYES

“They’ve got a portal between universes?! How did they get it large enough to use? When can I go through it?”

 

 

>Pinkie briefly stops bouncing and smiling

>“Yes, they didn’t yet, and five to twenty years from now unless you’ve got super aim with your teleport spells. Sorry, but it’s an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny-yellow-polka-dot-bikini of a portal that’s just large enough to get this projecto-spell through. We can probably maybe use it once every couple of months.”

>Well dangit

>You should have learned not to get your hopes up for anything by now

>Pinkie is expecting you to respond with more than a disappointed half-smile, so you nervously say the first thing that comes to mind

“…It’s better than nothing!”

>The bouncing resumes

>“Yay, better than nothing! Not so yay for Miss Shénmì. She can’t keep these spells up for more than ten minutes, so we should hurry. It looks like she’s getting tired.”

>Pinkie looks away from you to speak to another person you can’t see

>“Markus? Markus, skulle du ta med en kopp vatten för henne?...Tack så mycket!”

>That’s odd

>You don’t recall Pinkie being multilingual

>Perhaps she learned some when she found out this is a chance to make friends from all over the world?

“I didn’t know you spoke Nordnabb!”

>This gets her attention again

>“I just learned it last week. Borrowed some of your books to do it… I think I might have left them in Sugarcube Corner. You’re not going to charge me if they’re overdue, right?”

“Between friends? I couldn’t. It’s a simple mistake.”

 

 

>“Thanks, Twi! I knew you’d understand. We really ought to keep going, though. Miss Shénmì is looking a bit tired.”

“Your Jitinese pronunciation is really good, too…”

>“Having been called Pank Ponk, Ponka Poe, Pinka-dinka-doo, and everything in between, I know what it feels like to have someone mispronounce my name. That’s why I make a point of knowing exactly how to say all of my friends’ names right. Especially the new ones, like Miss Shénmì.”

>Pretty sure she actually hasn’t been called anything like that, but Pinkie will be Pinkie

“Stupid question, but is Shenmi the only one casting right now?”

>“Nope. This is the entire rescue operation and about seven thousand volunteer ponies off the street!”

“…Darn. Well, thanks for giving me hope again, Pinkie.”

>“It would’ve been Celestia giving the news, but I volunteered because I knew that last update from the rescue people would make you a gloomy Gus.”

“Pinkie, if I could hug you right now…”

>The bouncing stops again

>“Well, you could put your wings around me. That’s huggish, right?”

“I suppose so. C’mere.”

>You raise your wings forward and walk toward her projection

>She nuzzles up to you as best as she can, reciprocating the gesture

>It feels awkward because there’s not actually something to press against, but you lean into her image and try to nuzzle the space where she would be

>She speaks to you softly

>“Hey, Twilight?”

“Yeah?”

>“We’re all rooting for you. You’re doing great things.”

 

 

>You hug in silence

>This is a moment you want to last forever, but you know Pinkie could disappear seconds from now

>Pinkie breaks the silence

>“Raise your wings a bit. I need to talk to you about something personal.”

“What about the casters?”

>“We have a minute or so left. The closer ones are extra focused on this spell, so don’t worry about them listening in.”

>Your wings encircle her head and yours

>As soon as you’re both concealed, Pinkie begins to speak in an uncharacteristically serious whisper

>“Listen closely. Do not panic. I am working with your friends. I am not Pinkie Pie: she had me come in her stead, and she will arrive to discreetly switch with me on Friday. I met her when I participated in the attempted invasion of Canterlot during your brother’s wedding, and I have been in correspondence with her ever since.”

>You back away slightly, but keep your wings up as a privacy screen for the two of you

>This isn’t actually Pinkie?

>Participated in the invasion of-

 

 

>Wait a second, are your friends actually working with this thing?!

“You mean-”

>“I feed these fools horseapples, do not feed them a normal apple to show them I am false!”

>The impostor’s eyes flash back to their true form just long enough for you to perceive the change

>“I am a Changeling, but that does not matter! Your friends who are still in Ponyville need me to contact you. Have you been receiving the messages in the letters from them?”

>You’d figured something bad was happening, but not what

>If this Changeling isn’t deceiving you, whatever it is must be bad enough for your friends to trust it

>You whisper urgently with a test of its truthiness

“How can I trust you? Tell me one of the messages first.”

>“They instructed me to tell you that their first letter to you contained the message ‘you are getting used.’ Have you received this message?”

>It seems like it has knowledge that only Applejack, Fluttershy, real Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity would have

“Yes, but they didn’t say who or what was using me, or whether they meant I was getting used to something. If they’re warning me of something, I haven’t pieced it together yet.”

>“I was not told either. Did you receive the message that you are not the first p0ny ever to come to Earth?”

“Yes. It was in Pinkie’s reply to my question about Jake. How do they know this?”

 

 

>“I am unsure. Do you know who the first one to come to Earth was?”

“No.”

>“Unfortunate. I was not told, so I cannot tell you. Any letters that have reached you are likely being allowed to reach you intentionally. Your friends admit that they don’t know any sophisticated methods of hiding messages in their letters.”

>Something between your friends and the spells to send you letters is interfering with whatever warning you’re supposed to receive

>A bit of studying from ‘Ciphers, Codes, and Covert Communication’ might help

“What about the book on shelf 15.4, third to the right?”

>“They tried reading it, as did I. None earned their cutie marks in cryptography. This is irrelevant, and I must hurry before the casters tire.”

>You nod for it to continue

“I was told no details. I was only told that they have discovered something which may ruin Changeling hives’ food supply for many hatching cycles to come. Your friends believe that there may be a serious threat to the foundations of civilization as we know it, but have yet to identify this threat. Your friends also believe they are responsible for unwittingly sending you to Earth in this time of need. That is all. You may ask questions freely.”

>Good, they kept this drone uninfo-

>Wait, WHAT?!

>You can barely keep yourself to a whisper

“A threat to the foundations of civilization? I’m here because of them?!”

 

 

>“This is what I was told. You do not need to trust me, but I beg you to do so. Your next letter will confirm that I am truthful.”

“I should hope so! This isn’t the sort of thing to throw into a conversation as a prank, least of all now!”

>“My kind is not known for their sense of humor. I was following the script given to me. Pinkie trained me personally in her mannerisms for this task, and requested that I perform a specific ‘combo’ in the presence of a human.”

>Okay, so if this drone is a “friend” of Pinkie’s, how can it be trusted if it’s still going around leeching love?

“Just a quick background check, but what are you feeding on?”

>“Pinkie has many friends, of which I am one. Friendship is not as nutritious as love and tastes dreadfully bland, but it’s enough to survive by in desperate conditions.”

>This sounds plausible enough, but you’re suspicious of another hole in this Changeling’s story

“How did you get into Canterlot undetected?”

>“The security is of comparable porosity to my legs. Your brother’s lieutenants are uncoordinated without him.”

“Are you acting independently from your hive?”

>“I do nothing without the queen's permission.”

>It could have just said “yes,” but it HAD to get all sinister and foreboding

 

 

>If your friends truly did trust a Changeling knowing full well that it would report all that it’s told to every member of its hive, this had better be as world-shattering as you’re being led to believe

>“I have one question for you. Markus is friends with a human, correct?”

“I believe so.”

>“Human friendship tastes quite strange. Now, we must make an excuse to have spoken so secretively. The most effective lies contain the truth, so you should tell me something you’d consider to be a secret.”

>Now may be as good a time as any to start preparing the biologists for the big doozy

“If anyone asks, we were talking about why I haven’t sent the vanara haven’t been sent tissue samples yet.”

>“Aside from their constant annoyance to everyone and their swinging from the sides of buildings like maniacs?”

“Aside from that entirely. Humans have a biological trait that I consider to be a very controversial discovery.”

>“That may explain the taste. What is this trait?”

>You lower your wings and speak normally

“Nuh uh. I’ve been looking at it for months, and I still can’t believe it. I’d be the laughingstock of the scientific community if I told anyone.”

 

 

>The Changeling returns to perfect mimicry of Pinkie’s tone and mannerisms without missing a beat

>“Pleeeeease? Mister Gupta’s getting impatient and now I’m curious too!”

“I’m not giving them a sample unless Shining Armor is back on duty in Canterlot. This is more riot-worthy than finding out that humans don’t have any magical aspects to their society.”

>There’s a spark of rage behind an otherwise perfect puppydog-like Pinkie pout, unnoticeable to all except somep0ny looking directly into the eyes of the impostor

>The Changeling implicitly confirmed that it’s not acting alone

>Where there’s one hidden Changeling, there are a dozen others

>Saying exactly how to prevent others from infiltrating the scientific capital of the world was the biggest mistake it could possibly make

>Well played, shapeshifter; there’s nothing to blame for this checkmate except the dull mind of a drone

“Would you please make sure an apology gets to my brother as well? I know he was expecting to come down, visit our parents, and then go straight back to the Crystal Empire.”

>The disguised drone snaps a salute, betraying none of its failures with its tone or body language

>“Ma’am, yes ma’am!”

“You don’t need to salute anyp0ny, even if I’m a princess n-”

>The drone gasps and points to something behind you as you hear the exterior door open and shut

 

 

>Glancing towards the direction indicated, you see Eliza standing just as dumbstruck as her husband was

>It seems as if Jon left while you were speaking

>The false Pinkie bounces a couple of times and speaks in singsong

>“Hello, Miss Gottschalk!~”

>Eliza hears her own name and slowly gathers her wits for a reply

>“…I don’t recall ever teaching a p0ny.”

>“You didn’t. I think. I don’t know. All this inter-universe stuff is confusing! Or at least twice as confusing as it usually is, because now I’m keeping track of-”

>“You’re not staying here, are you? Did you come to take Twilight home?”

>“Huh? No nononono. I’m going to be gone in a second. I’m not even here to begin with!”

>A pink hoof approaches your head at alarming velocity

>You flinch, but stay mostly still as it passes through you and wiggles around

>“See? It’s sort of a ‘help me Canterlot Court Unicorns, CSGU, and Xuéxiào Qílín de Tèshū Nénglì, you’re my only hope’ kind of situation. We’ll have a way to get Twilight home in two decades at most.”

 

 

>Eliza scolds the false Pinkie as it withdraws its hoof from your head

>“Don’t scare me like that! It looked like you hurt her!”

>“Sorry, but there really is only one way to demonstrate. Jon saw Spike go through me earlier, and Jake thought I was ACTUALLY here but left before I could-”

>The image of Pinkie and her box begins to flicker

>Impostor Pinkie looks in one of the directions she looked earlier while addressing someone you couldn’t see, simultaneously surprised and concerned with whoever it is looking at

>“Uh oh. Someone get Miss Shénmì a bed, now!”

>The fake Pinkie makes hoof swipes across its own neck

>“Stop the spell! Stop the spe-”

>And then it’s gone

>Here’s to hoping it wasn’t lying about a way you can get home

>And also hoping Ms. Shenmi didn’t hurt herself

>The magical drain should’ve only been enough to knock her out, but she might have hit her head when she collapsed

>You’re stuck staring at the spot that the projection spell occupied

>This conversation ran the gamut of emotions, and you’re not sure which emotion to take from it

>Something bad could happening but you don’t know what

>You’re not marooned on Earth permanently if Celestia respects your wishes not to resort to dark magic

>At least you’re out of depression

>It’s an improvement, maybe

“So… that was certainly something.”

>Silence

>Long, awkward silence

 

 

“At least I’m not stuck here forever.”

>More awkward silence

“Umm… Eliza?”

>“Yes?”

“Do you have any time we could schedule for lessons on ‘religion?’”

>“My church doesn’t do summer sermons. We could do it on Sundays.”

“What about weekdays? I’m under the impression that ‘religion’ is a complicated topic. We might need all the time we can get.”

>“I can’t do weekdays for a few weeks. North High’s finals are going into June because we had so many snow days.”

“This place is weird.”

>“This is New England.”

“From my perspective, it’s weird. I can’t believe how comfortable humans are with so little under their control.”

>You finally turn around and begin to walk towards Jon’s office, giving you a good look at Eliza

>She’s wearing a shirt with a slogan in support of homosexual marriage rights printed across the front and some moderately tight pants, as well as her work backpack

“Well, back to failing to fix the Canterlot Computer.”

>“Haven’t you made any progress?”

>Eliza’s inquiry causes you to halt and take a seat on the floor

“Oh no, we’re making progress. It’s just very slow.”

>“You have? It seems like you’ve been working on this for weeks and gotten nothing accomplished.”

“We’ve been narrowing it down. The list of possible problems keeps getting shorter.”

 

 

>Raising up a forehoof in a reassuring gesture, you begin to list the failed diagnoses you’ve found for the Canterlot Computer’s malady

“Jon and I have figured out that it’s not stray metal shavings from the conductors, improperly applied insulation, insulation causing overheating (we removed it anyway to be safe), improperly removed insulation, humidity, corrosion, overheating without insulation, power supply issues, ambient magic, spellcasting secondary effects, sabotage, faulty design, improper operation, faulty programming, construction error, accidental discombobulation, communication errors between scientists of different languages, or a bar bet between one of the xiezhi Representatives and Chief Engineer Square Root. Don’t ask about the last one. It’s sort of a weird story.”

>Eliza raises a hand to her chin in contemplation

>She’s trying to help?

>A fresh perspective might help, though you understand she’s more knowledgeable in the field of abstract mathematics as opposed to applied mathematics

>She lowers her hand and gestures to you as if she’s holding something

>“But what IS the problem?”

>Well, she tried

 

 

>You shrug as she removes her backpack to hold it in front of herself

“Not a clue. There ought to be absolutely nothing wrong with the computer. I’m starting to look forward to the day that we decide this is an unsalvageable project and just scrap the darn thing.”

>You stand again

“I need to get back to work while I’m in a good enough mood to be able to concentrate.”

>“I’ll hold off on your evening smoothie until you finish for today. A loud blender wouldn’t help your mood or concentration, I bet.”

“Thanks. And hold the grass garnish today. I’d prefer a fruit-only smoothie.”

>Eliza passes you for the table, you pass her for the office

>Inside the office, Spike is back on his “bed” and Jon is at his desk

>You make the triumphant announcement to both of them

“In case you haven’t heard, we’re going home… in five years.”

>Spike sits up to break his vow of silence again

>“Five to twenty years. Set some realistic expectations.”

>Jon looks up from his notes

>“Come on, Spike. She’s had enough to deal with over the last week”

>“Half of that’s because she kept telling herself things she knew were wrong.”

>Spike may be right, but you don’t want any lip from him right now

“Well SORRY for trying to find a reason to get up in the morning.”

>Spike raises his claws up in submission and rolls his eyes as he goes back to napping

 

 

>*BVVVVVVRRRRRRMMM*

>Being in a mood that lets you concentrate might not matter if Eliza somehow forgot the conversation you just had

“Ugh, what is that noise?!”

>Spike turns over and tries to wrap some stray paper around his head

>“Whatever it is, I’m going to have a hard time sleeping through it.”

>“Jake’s mowing the lawn.”

>Jon’s explanation only brings up more questions

>You end up shouting back and forth just to communicate

“Does he have to do it with a motorized mower?”

>“It’s the only one we have! Funny story about that, I *BVVVVVVRRRRRRRRMMM*”

“What?”

>“I picked it out of the garbage sixteen years ago and it still runs like a charm!”

“Does he have to do this now?!”

>“He probably figured that we usually give up around this time of day, and you wouldn’t know it, but mosquito season is starting up! If he waited much longer, there would be too many…”

>He stops mid-sentence

>There’s a look of shock and absolute clarity about him

“What’s wrong?”

>“We’re idiots, that’s what *BVVVVVRRRRRRRRMMM* THAT’S WHAT’S WRONG!”

 

 

“WHAT?”

>“What’s the procedure they use for troubleshooting?”

“They remove the problem board and lay it out so it can be examined!”

>“How do they display it?”

“It’s put up vertically next to a scaffold! We can’t have them stepping on it, right?”

>“That’s why it always fixes itself! I can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner!”

>There’s clearly something you’re missing here

“I don’t get it! Why would it *BVVVVRRRRRRMMM* Why would it fix itself?”

>“What season is it?”

“Weird thing about that: I think Earth might lag a month behind on its seasonal progression!”

>“So it’s already summer?”

“Yes! What are you getting at?”

>“We kept calling the short circuit a malf*BVVVRRRRRMM* Malfunction!”

>The sound of the lawnmower is getting progressively further away, thank Celestia

>Jon’s speech comes down from a shout to simply speaking louder than usual

>“They usually keep the windows open for ventilation, right?”

“Yes.”

>“I think I know exactly what’s wrong!”

“What is it?”

>*BVVRRRM*

>“It’s a bug!”

>A bug?

>How long was he listening to you in the kitchen?

 

 

“What do you mean?”

>Please don’t say he saw that Pinkie was actually a changeling

>“There are bugs inside the computer! Literal bugs! Jesus Christ, it’s so obvious!”

>Phew, that could have complicated things

>Plus you’d already ruled out sabotage

“What kind of bugs? And why Jesus? I haven’t heard of any ‘gods’ of computers.”

>“It’s probably moths, or flies, or something else that crawls into the computer and bridges exposed gaps with their bodies accidentally. They’d fall out whenever the board was under inspection! It was right in front of us! Oh god, I can’t believe we missed that!”

>He keeps bringing up ‘gods’ in an exclamatory manner

>*Bvvvvvvvmmmm*

>No time to think about that now; that changeling might have relayed an actual Pinkie Sense combo

“Spike! Spike, take a letter. Ask them if they’ve had a malfunction recently.”

>Spike brushes away the paper that was shielding his ears and retrieves a mostly blank piece of paper

>He rolls over to grab a ballpoint pen, quickly writes out a letter, and sends it without saying a word

>You look back to Jon

“So now what? What do we do if it’s not this?”

>“We quit. It has to be this. We’ve exhausted so many possibilities that I’d just give up if it’s not this.”

“I’m all for that. I just want to get back to the ‘internet.’”

>“What are you using it for?”

>*Bvvvmmm*

 

 

“I’ve been using it almost exclusively for Canterlot Computer research since I got the letter about how I might not be able to go home. I'll probably use it for ‘Wikipedia’ and ‘the Gutenberg Project’ once we give up. Also a bit of the ‘Global Security’ ‘website’ so I can understand how humans fight wars.”

>“What were those last two websites?”

“A massive, free library and an encyclopedia of military equipment.”

>“Why study military equipment? Did Jake recommend that?”

“Yes, he did. Thankfully, this was BEFORE I got the news that I might never go home, and I did ask him for something along these lines. I want to know how to survive if I ever come up against such things because they’re honestly terrifying. Jake’s under the impression that I’d be less frightened by human weaponry if I understood how it functions.”

>Spike rolls onto his back

>*Buuurp*

>That was a fast reply

>Sounds like a small one as well

>You levitate it in front of you, but don’t break eye contact with Jon just yet

“It’s not really working. Knowing that humans put so much work into designing efficient ways to kill eachother as opposed to fixing the problems that make them use those devices is more disheartening than anything else. Alright, let’s see what this is…”

 

 

Twilight,

 

Your timing couldn’t be better. We had to shut down the computer seconds ago due to a malfunction.

 

Canterlot Computer Chief Engineer Square Root

 

 

“It just broke again.”

>“Excellent. Let’s give them a revised troubleshooting procedure that tells them what they ought to be looking for.”

>Now Jon scribbles out a quick letter and hands it to Spike

>*Fwoosh*

>Now we play the waiting game

>Jon goes back to his desk and has a seat

>You take a seat among the countless scraps of paper, because who knows how long this will take

>Jon reclines in his chair, then speaks to no one in particular

>“A radar operator.”

>This must be a thought that spilled out of his mouth

>If he’s not keeping it to himself, and you have nothing better to do…

“A ‘radar’ operator?”

>“Yes. During World War Two. I’m thinking about what you just said.”

“I’m not following your train of thought.”

>“A lot of the technology we have today is a product of advancements made in World War Two and the Cold War.”

“Still having trouble following you.”

>“Have you looked into the origin of the microwave oven yet?”

“No. I’ve been meaning to.”

 

 

>“I’ll save you the trouble. A Raytheon engineer by the name of Percy Spencer was working on a radar magnetron when he noticed the chocolate bar in his pocket melting. He left, came back with some popcorn kernels, and they popped after he left them by the magnetron. He tried the same with a magnetron that discharges into a closed metal box, trapping the electromagnetic waves, and it only worked better. Before that, all microwave energy did was blind birds that sat too close to the radar arrays by heating up the insides of the birds’ eyes.”

“So the ‘microwave’ oven is a military product?”

>“About as much as the internet is.”

“The ‘internet’ is a military product?!”

>“It was invented by a military. Why, are you going to stop using it?”

>That’s a dirty conversational trick

>You’re more than a little upset that Jon would pull this on you, as well as everyone else holding this information aw-

>Okay, no, you’re just upset at him for pulling this on you

>You’re a bit upset at yourself for not doing research on this now that it’s so effortless

“…It’s too useful to give up.”

>“I should hope you’d say the same of me and my desire to kill rabbits.”

>Now that’s a real dirty trick

>Wait, how did he hear of that?

>Nevermind

>Might as well get to the bottom of his obsession with this rabbit problem

 

 

“Why do you keep obsessing about those rabbits?”

>“You’d be upset too if you’d planted a garden and fenced it off only to have rabbits find a way in and chew through the stems on your beanstalks. Stupid little things.”

“They ate the stems?”

>“Sure did.”

“Wow, that’s actually a pretty jerk move. Not worthy of killing them, but I guess that wouldn’t be as bad since they don’t have much in the way of intelligence.”

>“Why is it not as bad if they’re not smart?”

“No, I mean the Equestrian definition of intelligence and sentience. They could be geniuses for all I care. If they can’t interact peacefully, something ought to be done about them. Killing them still seems a bit extreme to me.”

>“Damn things breed too much. Someone’s got to kill them.”

>This line of conversation is going nowhere pleasant

“What was it you were saying about the ‘internet’ being a military product?”

>“The pre-internet ‘ARPAnet’ was made by researchers under the jurisdiction of the US military. IBM supplied punch-card machines that helped conduct the censuses used to round up Jews in Nazi Germany. GPS satellites guide bombs and cars. I can’t imagine where we’d be without a military industrial complex. So many civilian products have history that intertwines with war.”

 

 

“Human history is a violent thing, from what I’ve seen. I’m not surprised that war has such a strong influence.”

>“Did I ever tell you about how there were components for a Norden Bombsight in the MIT workshop when I was studying for my degree? I don’t know where they got it from, but it was a bit of outdated World War Two aerial bombing equipment, probably surplus or scrap. Wheels, springs, and dials that could aim a bomb from 50,000 feet into a pickle barrel... I can only aspire to the mechanical genius that created it.”

“I’m sure it’s an impressive device, but I can’t condone its purpose. What practical use could an aiming device like that have outside of war?”

>“That actually reminds me of how you asked about Morse Code. Samuel Morse didn’t invent it for military use, but it’s probably seen more military use than civilian.”

“Weren’t you going to tell me what that is?”

>“It’s sort of like binary communication. It’s a one-button system that has an alphabet of different combinations of long and short button presses. Not very efficient, but it’s spectacular for something that was invented over 150 years ago and is still in use today.”

>There’s another strange coincidence

“That sounds an awful lot like how Equestrian typewriters work…”

>Jon leans forward in interest

>“It does?”

 

 

“Yeah, except it’s a two-button system instead of one button with two functions. The typewriters themselves are mechanically similar to the ‘bomb sight’ you just described. Most clockmakers can make typewriters, but the alphabet code isn’t standardized and you’d have to learn it all over again if you’re using a typewriter made by somep0ny other than your usual clockmaker. They’re only popular amongst sloppy writers.”

>“I take it you never learned to use one?”

“Never bothered.”

>“I don’t blame you. There’s no point in a system like that if it’s not accepted by more than a few people. The only reason I use the US system of measurement is because I grew up with it. I hear that even the US military prefers the Metric system, and it’s not like they’re separate from our country.”

“I sincerely hope you’re not trying to get me to like war. Bloodshed is inherently wrong.”

>“Oh no, of course I’m not! I know what war does to people. It’s horrible.”

>It occurs to you that you don’t actually know that much about your hosts personally

>Jon could be a hardened killer, and you’d never have known

“Have you been to war? Did you fight?”

>“I nearly got drafted during the Vietnam War, but no. My father is the reason I know what war is like.”

 

 

>That’s a small relief

“So he’s the one who fought?”

>“No. He served stateside in World War Two at a military hospital.”

“How, then? How do you know what war is like if neither you nor your father participated in combat?”

>“It’s the people he had to treat. Most of them were emotional wrecks. Being around them all the time, he didn’t fare much better. He developed a habit of drinking just to cope with his job. Not drunkenness, mind you. Just… he always got ‘buzzed’ after he got home for the day. My most vivid memory is of him with a glass of red wine sparkling in the evening sun, held up to the sky in his outstretched arm. He’s smiling and saying ‘vino!’ like the drink was something to be admired. I never want to end up depending on-”

>*BuUUUURRRRpp*

>You weren’t expecting a reply this soon

>Jon gets out of his chair in anticipation

>It looks like it’s royally sealed, and you definitely weren’t expecting that

>Two possibilities: this is either extremely good news or extremely bad news

>Spike catches the letter and unrolls it before you can take it

>Whatever the letter says, Spike seems to think it’s funny

>“Oh wow. OH WOW. I can’t wait to see that picture.”

“What’s it say?”

>“See for yourselves.”

>He holds the letter in front of himself for Jon and you to read

 

 

My faithful student,

 

In all my centuries, I’ve never seen so many hooves, paws, claws, and talons on so many faces, my own

included. The scientific capital of the world is currently the facehoof capital of the world. We’ve all read

the technical documentation you’ve sent to us, and they contained the word “bug” in reference to

computer faults. My commendations to Jon for being the one to finally solve this problem.

 

Representative Ma Yu Zhe sends his apologies for coming to a premature conclusion regarding our

ability to rescue you. I hope you forgive him, as he seems legitimately penitent.

 

 

Get some R&R. You’ve earned it.

Princess Celestia

 

 

P.S. I’ve just learned that Discord took a picture for posterity. I must have missed the sound of the

shutter over the thunderous noise of countless forelimbs ending up on their owners’ faces. I’ll see if I

can get a copy to you, but for now you’ll just have to imagine a Steppes Griffon hovering over the

circuitry with a charred housefly in her talon. The words “Ya nashel oshibku!” (“I’ve found a bug!”) have

barely left her beak as a hundred, then a thousand, then five thousand scientists and both Princesses of

Equestria find that even geniuses make dumb mistakes sometimes. I’m going to personally ensure this

picture gets into every illustrated history text.

 

 

>It’s fixed

>IT’S FIXED!

>AND YOU GET TIME TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!

“YES! The Sisyphean task is complete!”

>You turn to Jon, nearly hugging him but then thinking better of it

>Instead, you extend a single forehoof to him for a hoof/handshake

“We did it. YOU did it. Put ‘er there.”

>He takes a moment to figure out what your intention is, then grasps your forehoof firmly and gives a few strong shakes

>You’re still not comfortable with the idea of touching a human

>Can’t let that ruin the moment

“Jon, you are going to go down in Equestrian history.”

>He’s flustered, and understandably so, letting go of your hoof to nervously scratch the side of his greying beard

>“I… I suppose I ought to feel honored.”

>You decide to get some questions answered to give him a larger blurb in whatever history text this ends up in

>Time to put what you learned in ‘Noteworthy’s Interviewing Tips for Novice News Reporters’ to use

“Tell me, what are you planning to do now that we’ve completed the Canterlot Computer?”

>“Probably get back to editing videos, working on bikes, and doing legal consultation, I guess. There are a few lawyers that I need to get back in touch with.”

“If you could summarize what you’re thinking in two sentences or less, what would those sentences be?

>“I feel ashamed for thinking so practically, but what do I get from this? I’ve accumulated so much knowledge and documentation that I can’t share with anyone else on Earth.”

 

 

>The train of excitement just slammed on its brakes and ground to a sparking stop

“Uh…”

>“We’ve also spent quite a bit on you, and it’s only going to increase in the next… what did Pinketty say? Five to twenty years?”

>And also that there’s a grave threat to civilization, which is all but confirmed not to be a false alarm unless your friends are wrong

>There’s also the mystery of how your friends could have possibly sent you here

>The train of excitement is reversing at three kilometers per hour on the same track as the train of celebration, which is traveling forward at a speed of forty kilometers per hour fifteen kilometers behind the first train

>Solve for time until impact, ignoring the length of both trains and possibility of braking

“Well… I don’t know, we’ll think of something. Celestia gave you her commendations. I doubt she’d stop at that, being a living embodiment of Harmony.”

>“What could she possibly give us? If we get money, it would look like laundering.”

>A good question

>Simple, but it doesn’t have an answer

>That seems to be par for the course

“I’m sure we’ll think of something. For now, you don’t have me pestering you, and you’ve gained two friends.”

>“I’ve been chatting with Markus for some time now, but who else?”

“Me! How could I not like you for helping us like this?”

 

 

#IRCAddamsLocal

Server time 20:07 5/22/2013

 

20:07:22@Basement: Five to twenty years.

20:07:30@JonDesktop: Are we talking about when I retire, when Jake moves out, or when you go home?

20:07:31@Basement: Any of the above. Mostly about going home. It’s not forever, but… five to twenty years.

20:07:39@JakeLaptop: Did you hear back about that qilin you mentioned at dinner?

20:07:42@Basement: She’s recovering. Thankfully, that wasn’t the sort of spell that you have to put all of the energy into at the start. Those are the ones that are possible to over-commit to and hurt yourself. This one was the kind that requires a constant stream of magic, so she just knocked herself out and fell over, breaking the stream.

20:07:44@Basement: Five to twenty years, though. It’s not all the time in the world, but that’s more than enough time for me to get work done.

20:07:49@JonDesktop: I’m glad and all, but that’s a really long time. Spike is just a child, right?

20:07:53@Basement: Oh… I did not consider that. Good thing that he can’t have a growth spurt like the one he did last year. He got to adult size in less than a day because he tripped his hoarding instinct too soon and nearly wrecked a neighborhood in instinctive rage.

 

 

20:07:57@Basement: Have I mentioned that draconic brain structure is really strange? Because it is. They’re essentially born callosotomized and have two separate brains until the age of four, at which point their callosum forms and begins to connect the brains. Counterintuitive as it might seem, this actually makes dragons immune to seizures and promotes long term neural development, which is necessary for such a large skull.

20:08:01@JonDesktop: How large will Spike grow?

20:08:02@Basement: Big. Very big. He’ll probably be growing three hooves a year by the time he reaches 20 years old.

20:08:03@Basement: Just to clear up any confusion, hooves are a figure of measurement.

20:08:05@Basement: It’s about six inches or 15 centimeters. I prefer to use feet or meters because they don’t imply species.

20:08:07@Basement: I could probably learn a spell that compresses him to a more manageable size. Harmlessly, of course. He might weigh too much to go upstairs, but he won’t take up all of the basement.

20:08:11@JakeLaptop: Shrinking? Please tell me you’d never do that to me.

20:08:14@Basement: Not without your permission. Spells like that have to be renewed, anyway, so you probably wouldn’t be stuck like that if we decided to do some experiments regarding the effects of magic on humans. (Wink wink, nudge nudge, I need a test subject to volunteer.)

20:08:17@JonDesktop: Good god, you type fast. I’m starting to get self-conscious.

 

 

20:08:20@Basement: Don’t. You have to use your hands. I can’t stress this enough: I AM TYPING WITH MY MIND AND IT FEELS SO GOOD! It’s like this computer is an extension of my brain, and the internet is a gateway to all of human knowledge! I AM THE SMARTEST PONY TO EVER LIVE!

20:08:21@Basement: Or at least I am when the page will load. This “Deviant Art” website is so unreliable. What a killjoy.

20:08:22@Basement: Oh, and which god, if you don’t mind me asking?

20:08:29@JonDesktop: Christian Abrahamic. My great uncle was a preacher back in the days before loudspeakers or amplification. Few men could fill a room with their voice like he could.

20:08:29@JakeLaptop: You’re not missing much. Go check Wikipedia for a list of the classical artists.

20:08:30@Basement: Will do, Jake. Didn’t you say you’d get me some music and your philosophy textbook?

20:08:38@JakeDesktop: You can find most of the music on Youtube. As for the philosophy, look up ‘Vice and Virtue in Everyday Life’ and do a web search for the writings in its table of contents.

20:08:40@Basement: Oh right, duh. I’m independent now. Thanks for the computer, by the way.

20:08:42@Basement: I was thinking of skipping the classical music section since it’s what’s usually on the radio. Are there any pieces I absolutely need to hear that I probably haven’t heard yet?

 

 

20:08:52@JonDesktop: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n82l3rEQSWk Tchaikovsky wrote this to memorialize the battle which signaled the beginning of the end of the Napoleonic Empire. The percussion section is very memorable.

20:08:54@Basement: Thank you Jon, Jake. Thus begins my cultural metamorphosis into a human. If I’m going to be here a while, it would happen anyway. I might as well go willingly…

20:09:01@JakeLaptop: You’re not considering literally becoming a human, are you?

20:09:04@Basement: My magic isn’t nearly reliable enough for something that complicated. A body-altering spell isn’t beyond my capabilities, but cellular plasticity only gives so much room for error. With my magic not working right, I’d probably end up injuring myself, or worse. Even if I could get the spell right, what would I do with my horn? I’d never give up my horn!

20:10:05@Basement: I’ve found a gallery website.

20:11:29@Basement: Listening to orchestral music while browsing fine art. It’s hard to feel classier than this if I ignore the fact that human orchestral music is incredibly similar to Equestrian orchestral music. This picture of Napoleon on a horse, though… yuck. Equines should not look like that or be ridden like that. That riding equipment looks both painful and insulting.

 

 

20:15:22@Basement: There are some impressive works here, but what’s up with Frida Kahlo’s unibrow?

20:15:30@JakeLaptop: What the fuck IS up with her unibrow? I never understood that either.

20:15:35@ElizaLaptop: Watch your language.

20:15:40@JakeLaptop: Sorry, mom.

20:20:09@Basement: Memorable, indeed! Are those explosions?!

20:20:22@JonDesktop: Tchaikovsky’s original arrangement calls for blank-loaded cannons. The crescendo is a thing of legend.

20:20:30@Basement: Is this the only piece of human orchestral music that does this, or have I somehow missed all the other ones that use gunpowder for percussion?

20:20:37@JonDesktop: No, it’s just this one.

20:20:39@Basement: I HAVE to listen to the rest of this. It’s so unique! So human! I’d thought all human orchestral music was similar to Equestrian orchestral, but this? It’s insane, and I think I like it!

20:20:44@JonDesktop: A popular opinion among most people of Tchaikovsky’s time.

20:20:46@Basement: I’ll hazard a guess and say that another popular opinion was “won’t someone think of the poor eardrums that will have to endure this level of volume?”

20:20:59@JonDesktop: If they thought that then, they certainly don’t think it anymore. Trust me. I was a rock band’s bassist back when I was earning my degree in audio engineering.

 

 

 

Part 4

 

>Monday, May 27, 11:40pm

>Year 22 and ‘LAUREN FAUST IS ON 4CHAN GUYS OMG’ on Earth

>You are Jake Addams

>You’re going to bed now

>Eliza’s already in bed and trying to sleep

>It’s getting late, and the modem will be off soon

>Shame about that, because Faust just came to /mlp/ and is distracting everyone from their usual discussions of crotchboobs, satyrs, and >rape BY BEING ON /mlp/ OMG YOU GUYS SHE LIKES US MORE THAN PONYCHAN

>She’s giving her two cents about how weird the Equestria Girls toys look and answer questions about the show

>Her two cents are “I drew this picture of myself as The Incredible Hulk because this shit upsets me” (paraphrased)

>It’ll probably be there in the morning because it’s stickied, so you close your laptop and sit up on the edge of your bed

>Those toys, holy shit

>They make the character design for the actual movie look realistic, even masculine by comparison

>The movie’s designs have weird gangly limbs and bobble heads, they exclusively wear short skirts and knee-high boots, and their waists are as thin as 2-liter soda bottles

>And THOSE look masculine by contrast to the toys

>Lauren’s idea of FiM being a show with a subtext of gender equality clashes with that, so she’s venting to a sympathetic audience

>Quite a few people are agreeing with her

>Everyone else is either thanking her for coming up with a good concept for a franchise reboot, trolling her, or asking questions about what she intended for the show

 

 

>It just goes to show that Hasbro’s toy department is completely divorced from the cartoon-makers

>It also goes to show what sixty year old executives think six year old girls want

>Generally, six year old girls want whatever their friends want, and that’s generally what’s advertised to them by sixty year old executives

>Oh capitalism, you so crazy

>Crazy’s also a good way to describe the design decisions for the recently announced Xbox One

>It won’t work unless it connects to the internet once every 24 hours, it requires the Kinect camera to be plugged in at all times, it has NO GAEMS, the DRM won’t let you share the NO GAEMS, and its killer app is “it’s kind of like a cable box that also does Skype and Internet Explorer”

>So it’s basically what some disconnected engineers and designers THINK people want instead of what people actually want

>And the AP phone records controversy is still going, so the fact that it has a camera and needs to connect to the internet every day has a been immediately associated with its potential for abuse

>If that’s not intentional, the people behind these ideas must have their heads so far up their asses that they’ll have stomach acid in their hair when they finally pull out

>Seriously, what cave would they have to live in to think this is a good idea?

 

 

>Even the ‘Cave of Knowledge’ is more connected than wherever those bumblefucks are living, and you’ve screened around 500 web pages and hundreds of thousands of lines of HTML each day

>Nothing’s gotten through

>At least you think you haven’t let anything through

>Unless Celestia told Twilight about Equestria Girls, that ‘metamorphosis’ exchange in IRC was just a coincidence (at least that’s what you tell yourself)

>It’s reassuring to see what you made working, especially since it’s %90 someone else’s work and you don’t understand half of it

>Learning a new programming language and compiling a list of just about everything associated with MLP:FiM, then adding exceptions and rules like “rarity +nightmare +unicorn” and “twilight -vampire -vampires +sparkle” isn’t exactly an easy task when you give yourself less than a week to do it

>Learning VB helped, but the only real thing you managed to do was to find where to type what you want excluded

>For the most part, though, the program just watches and waits

>It gets a few false alarms, but that’s better than letting something through that it shouldn’t

 

 

>Twilight’s internet and search history are profoundly boring

>She’s done her homework about internet safety

>Twilight’s never gone to a seedy site, only clicked on an ad once, and usually has the ad-blocker on

>That one ad was for custom mouth guards

>No clue as to why she’d be interested in those

>She’s not doing contact sports, and she would have mentioned if she clenched and ground her teeth in her sleep

>It shall forever remain a secret from you

>In any case, that’s the only interesting thing she’s ever done

>Wikipedia and some sites from the articles’ references all day, music in a separate tab if the mood suits her, and occasionally stopping to read an online book

>She’s totally neglecting Global Security’s website

>You were kind of hoping for her to be comically inept, but that’s obviously not the case

>Monitoring her nonstop use of the internet is one of the most boring things you could spend time on

>And it is nonstop

>She’s actually blowing off the movies you had planned for her in favor of internetting

>It’s tempting to pull the plug on her and force her upstairs, but that could get ugly

>Just sit back and let the computer do the dull, dirty, dangerous work of keeping Twilicorn from doing something Celestia and Luna don’t want her to

 

 

>Speaking of sunbutt and moonbutt, Twilight got you ‘Division to Diarchy: Every Event Equestria Has Encountered’

>The first thing you did when you got it was to flip through it for a message from Celestia and Luna

>Page 307 had one

>All it said was ‘Apology accepted. There is another message inside of Twilight’s spellbooks that will explain our reasoning for this.’

>The way you see it, there are three ways you could get to those books

>Twilight might give them to you if you just ask

>That’s worth a shot

>Failing that, you could either take the books while she’s not looking or you could volunteer to be her guinea pig

>Both of those options have a serious risk of being hit with a spell that might have permanent, irreversible effects that would make a normal life impossible

>Telekinesis is fine, but the really weird stuff that can be done with magic freaks you out

>Spike agreed to go from ‘thigh high’ to ‘ankle high’ for a couple hours to get his grounding shortened

>He ended up as ‘toe high’ and lost somewhere in the house

>You actually stepped on him without realizing it

 

 

>Fortunately for the two of you, it was like stepping on a Lego

>There was no give, no crunch, and no tears shed by the alicorn in the basement

>Twilight actually thanked you for “finding” him

>Well, it was fortunate for Spike, because you weren’t wearing shoes and it hurt like FUCK

>He said it hurt too, but your foot doesn’t have pointy bits

>Twilight took this as an opportunity to explain that he’d retained all of his mass with a smaller volume

>She then attempted to demonstrate by physically carrying him to somewhere he wouldn’t get lost

>She literally could not lift him without magic

>Then she came back to explain how surface area, volume, and mass are all related by the square-cube law, and how compressing or expanding the distance between molecules can cause similar effects to shrinking and growing without some of the biological weirdness that goes along with the ratios

>The gist of it was that Spike was an inch tall yet still weighed about 70-something pounds and had become nearly invulnerable to physical harm

>You didn’t catch much of it because you were too busy whispering words that she doesn’t want Spike to learn and bandaging the gash on your foot

>That’s twice that Spike’s inadvertently crippled you

>He’s a good kid, but he’s not that smart and he’s incredibly accident prone

>And he’s going to be here for five to twenty more years

>Better than forever, but not much

 

 

>Don’s been wondering why you need programs to spy on people, and Evan’s starting to question your excuse about Eliza babysitting for the neighbors

>If this keeps up, Twilight and Spike will have to go public and you’ll have to face the consequences

>Disaster already has a foot in the door

>It doesn’t need a reason to come in

>The way this history book presents it, it looks like the time immediately after the end of the Hearth’s Warming Eve pageant’s storyline was incredibly volatile

>In their case, disaster had a hoof in the door

>The three tribes had to cooperate or risk that area of the planet becoming an ice-desert

>Before this, windigoes had been rare because all the species begrudgingly didn’t fight over anything

>The Pegasi Empire had an agreement to not let weather run rampant over the other two tribes’ areas or “accidentally” send storms their way in exchange for goods and favors, effectively subjugating both of the other tribes

>The earth ponies liked this because it meant regular rainfall for farming, but the unicorns thought of it more as a luxury and just wanted the farmers to have food when it was needed

>The griffon clans and minotaurs’ empire didn’t need or didn’t want weather control from the pegasi

>For the most part, everyone kept to themselves

 

 

>Borders were drawn along the lines of species and geography

>The earth ponies’ tribal area was the only real area of interaction where they all could mingle

>Unicorns came there from the west, pegasi from the south, and Griffons came there from the north and east

>The minotaurs in the southeast balked at the idea of exchanging autonomy for a service the griffons could already provide

>Asking for trade goods from the pre-Saddle Arabian nomads was a much better deal, in the minotaurs’ minds

>Most of the trade the minotaurs conducted with ponies was through griffon intermediaries, and the griffons considered the minotaurs to be intermediaries for trade with the nomadic clans of ‘The Dunes-land’

>The species and tribes all had separate languages, but language tended to coalesce along trade routes

>The earth p0nies that did business with the pegasi ended up speaking something that looks a bit like Italian or Spanish, the ones doing business with unicorns spoke something similar to Gaelic, and the ones that did business with the griffons spoke what Jon said are old versions of German and French

>In the middle, it was Dutch

>So…roughly the same arrangement as western Europe, except France is somewhere else

>You can kind of see where Twilight’s coming from with this talk of weird similarities now

 

 

>The arrangement was more or less stable, but griffons started infringing upon the pegasi’s weather control deal with the earth p0nies because of convenience issues

>One side of the tribal area is closer to the Griffons’ territory, so it seemed like a good idea

>It was not a good idea

>Commander Hurricane came from a family of generals that had militarized pegasus society in order to protect everyone from the wildlife

>He was the one in power, and he apparently thought of politics like it was a game of Risk

>He was losing that game

>His family had overextended their domain by trying to sustain weather control over the Zebras’ Usio Tambarare, nearly splintering the empire with its sheer size

>The Empire had already scaled back enough for him to be uncomfortable

>Surrendering an inch of anywhere he considered to be part of the Pegasi Empire was not going to happen on his watch

>So he had his forces shoo off the “invaders” who were making much more reasonable demands in exchange for controlling the weather

>Some of the griffons didn’t get the message the first time

>Those ones got roughed up, then shooed off

>A few griffons didn’t get the message that time, either

>Those ones got impaled with javelins

>It’s satisfying to have called Twilight out on her shit about p0nies being better than humans, but a little part of you feels sad to know that this sort of thing happened in such a colorful and idyllic world

 

 

>Several unnecessary deaths later, the griffons stopped coming

>Commander Hurricane had the northeast mountains fortified in case the griffon clans decided to unite and seize the land on account of “Commander Hurricane is a dick and can go suck one, too”

>But that didn’t happen

>Probably because the Tundra Clan of griffons didn’t like the idea of their Viking-like society having to do ice fishing every month of the year

>The earth p0nies felt like this wasn’t fair, and the resulting civil unrest caused the Pegasi Empire’s breadbasket to freeze anyway

>Pegasi weather control can’t get rid of the cold weather, and that only escalates the situation

>It was a literal snowball effect

>Food dwindles, p0nies argue, shit goes south

>Cue season 2, episode 13

>A few months of political impasse, freezing, starvation, and all those things that make MLP a kid’s show later, the Pegasi had lost control over the other two tribes

>Independently, they all migrated west into Buffalo territory, then united under the flag of the newly founded Equestria once they realized that their political bullshit was causing a blizzard in July there, too

>The pegasi gave up their leading role to join a three-way power sharing council that later developed into the Canterlot Legislative Branch

>It looked like a false start until It actually worked

 

 

>The buffaloes were cool with having others live on their land as long as the p0nies didn’t kick them out, take the buffaloes’ shit, or pretend the buffaloes were under their rule

>Buffaloes are nomadic, anyway, so the idea of a neighboring tribe moving in wasn’t all that alarming to them

>The p0ny tribes started to interbreed, their languages started to merge, and mixed-tribe towns were established about fifty years after the migration

>Prior to that, the council of the three tribes tried to stay separated, but this only led to more chilly weather

>Eventually, everyp0ny was united and living in Harmony

>The book always has a capital ‘H’ on that word, no idea why

>There must be something you’re missing

>But anyway, everyp0ny was living in capital ‘H’ Harmony, things were looking up, and the old tribal areas were starting to return to windigo-less weather

>Then Discord came and fucked shit up

>He’d been sitting off to the side this whole time with a bucket of popcorn, waiting for things to go bad again

>Yes, he literally had a bucket of popcorn

>But it didn’t go bad again

 

 

>According to eyewitness accounts, he went to storm out of the theater and demand a refund for having to sit through a story with such an unsatisfying ending, then realized he wasn’t in a theater and he could make his own refund if he fucked shit up

>So Discord fucked shit up and declared himself the king of Equestria because he’s Discord

>That’s all you’ve read so far

>And for the record, that wasn’t exactly 1000 years ago

>The migration was closer to 1600 years ago, and Discord started fucking shit up around 1530 years ago

>1000 sounds cooler, though

>And that’s how Equestria was made, and then subsequently unmade

>The next part is about how Celestia and Luna came and remade Equestria to be a place of Harmony

>Why do they keep using a capital ‘H?’

>The cultural guide you got for your birthday didn’t say anything about this

>It just had a bunch of notable holidays and events and stuff, as well as a general idea of how each species lives

>Harmony isn’t a proper noun to them, right?

>Whatever

>You’ll find out later

>Right now, you want some ice cream

>Ever since the doctor said you lost all that weight, mom’s been poking you to eat more

>That’s not the sort of thing you need to be told twice

>You get up from your bed and hobble to the kitchen

>Once you’re there, you check the fridge for snacks mom might have got for you

>It was cheesecake yesterday

>Today, it’s nothing

>Dad’s switched from soy milk to almond milk, so that’s sort of exciting in a not-exciting way

 

 

>Moving down to the freezer, you find the ‘chocolate and peanut butter cup peanut butter swirl’ ice cream

>And there’s some left, because Spike’s not off his grounding until tomorrow

>You feel bad for putting him through this, but still sort of angry

>It has to get drilled into him that doing anything to reveal himself to the outside world is a really fucking terrible idea, and this is the way to do it

>You pull the tub of guilt-laced ice cream out of the freezer and stick it in the microwave for a quick thaw

>As you set the timer, you hear dad coming out of his office

>You hit the start button and see if you can get the scoop, bowl, and spoon before the microwave is done

>Twenty five seconds remaining

>Turn around, see Jon leaning on office door frame, proceed to cabinets

“Hi, dad.”

>“I was about to turn off the modem for the night. Do you need it for anything?”

>Open misc. utensils drawer, retrieve ice cream scoop

>Ninteen seconds

“No, I’m good.”

>“How’s your foot?”

>Open cabinet, retrieve bowl

“It’s feeling better. Spike’s spikes were barely large enough to pierce my skin.”

>“I talked to Twilight earlier. She said she might be able to heal it.”

>Eleven seconds

“I think I’ll just put antibiotic on the wound and wait, thanks.”

>“Suit yourself.”

>Retrieve spoon from dish rack

>Seven seconds

>“Or ‘Suture Self: The DIY Surgery Kit.’ I ought to see if that’s patented.”

“Ha ha.”

>Lay them all out on the table, and

>*Beep, beep, beeeep*

 

 

>Midnight snack is rea-

>No, wait, this spoon is still dirty with caked-on peanut butter

>Spike’s not being as thorough with his dishwashing

>Maybe it’s passive aggressiveness, maybe it’s coincidence

>You’re not going to hold it against him because at least he’s doing his job

“Hey dad, have you been eating peanut butter straight from the jar again?”

>“Should I not?”

“It’s weird.”

>“That reason’s never stopped me from doing something before.”

>You pick up the dirty spoon and put it in the sink, then search for a clean one

“How about ‘other people want to use it for sandwiches, and you eat way too much?’”

>“I didn’t touch the Nutella we got so we could send it to Pinko.”

“Pinkie.”

>“Yes, that one.”

>Clean spoon, clean spoon…

>There’s one

>You put it in the place of the dirty spoon on the table

>“Markus says that she’s helping to liven up the mood in Canterlot. Pink… whatever her name is-”

“Pinkie.”

>“That one. She sounds like she really knows how to make friends. Markus is talking about her almost as much as he’s saying he thinks Cape Cod sounds like a nice place, and he really likes what I’ve told him about Cape Cod.”

>Why is he talking about Pinkie?

“Oh?”

>“Security in the castle got raised recently. He said she didn’t just keep the mood from getting worse because of that, but she actually improved it.”

“Sounds nice.”

 

 

>There’s a reason for this

>He just needs to stop beating around the bush

>You walk over to the microwave and pull out the tub of ice cream

“Why are you bringing this up?”

>“I just wanted to see how the plan for making friends with Twilight is coming along.”

>Oh

>That figures

“You’re friends with her. Why don’t you tell me?”

>“Because I want to know how you’re doing with that plan.”

>You put the tub of ice cream next to the bowl and start scooping

“Mission complete. She’s got a friend.”

>“No, I mean how you’re doing at becoming one of her friends. She’s still stressed about something, and I can’t get her to open up.”

>You put the tub of ice cream down on the table and start scooping

“I’m not sure, but I think there’s something happening in Equestria that she doesn’t want us to know about. One of the letters she got from Pinkie had a thing saying that there were hidden messages in the other letters her friends have sent her.”

>“It could be some game she’s playing with her friends.”

“Maybe. I don’t know.”

>“Do you not want to find out?”

“I don’t want to be the one who has to ask her. She’s powerful and emotionally volatile. That’s not a combination I’m comfortable with.”

>Jon pulls up a chair next to the spot your bowl is at as you close the tub of ice cream

>“Jake, you’re creating a paper tiger. She wouldn’t hurt us.”

 

 

“When she’s not stranded on a planet where she thinks everything is going to kill her, maybe.”

>You put the scoop in the sink and return the ice cream to its home in the freezer before taking a seat for yourself

>“I’m not even sure she can hurt us. The way I understand it, magic works by altering the magic in an object using a unicorn’s own magic. If humans don’t have any magic, she might not be able to use it on us.”

>Wait, can she not do that?

“Has she ever used magic on you?”

>“Never.”

>Okay, that’s kind of comforting

“Has she ever said that it wouldn’t work on humans?”

>“I don’t recall.”

>Not as comforting

>“Either way, Eliza and I are both going to be out next weekend. She’s got a religious retreat to go to and I need to go to Arizona to look at a crash scene for a lawyer.”

>Even less comforting

“You’re going to leave me alone with them?”

>“They’re FINE. Look, I used to be a little frightened by Twilight’s magic because I thought it was weird and it didn’t make sense. Now that it makes some sense to me, I just think it’s weird. She’s different. That’s all.”

“I hope you’re right.”

 

 

>Jon stands up and pushes his chair back in

>“I’m going to turn off the modem and go to bed now. Good night.”

“Good night.”

>He then goes to join his wife in bed (in a totally non-sexual way because she’s been asleep for about an hour)

>You sit there finishing your ice cream and waiting for purple pone to come upstairs

>A couple minutes later, you hear the basement door open

>Hooves are clacking their way down the hall accompanied by Twilight enunciating something just loud enough for you to hear

>“Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,/Who is already sick and pale with grief/That thou her maid art far more fair than she.”

>She has been reading her Shakespeare

>You don’t memorize her internet history, so you’re not sure which play that is

“Which one is that?”

>Twilight peeks into the kitchen

>“‘Romeo and Juliet!’ Don’t tell me you made me read that play before you’ve read it yourself!”

“I would, but I promised to be honest. All I know is the Sparknotes version of it.”

>“And now that I know what Sparknotes is, I can say that I know that niche of your culture even better than you do.”

>Her tongue comes out and gives a *plbbbbt* in your direction

>You’ll let her pat herself on the back for that because that was sort of cute

>Can p0nies even reach their own backs with their hooves?

>Nevermind, that’s a stupid question

“Any questions about the story?”

 

 

>“No. It’s a lot grimmer and bloodier than any love story I’ve heard before, but I guess Shakespeare was writing about the themes of his time.”

>You eat the last spoonful of ice cream

>“Y’know, if you replace the part about killing with banishment and take away the maid, that sort of matches up with the ‘Mare in the Moon’ story.”

“I haven’t read that far in the history book yet.”

>“How far have you gotten?”

>Standing and putting the bowl and spoon in the sink, you rinse them so the residual ice cream doesn’t cake on overnight

“Discord is being a jerk.”

>She steps fully into the kitchen, beaming with enthusiasm

>WOW is it nice to see her smiling again

>“Ah, you’re about to get to the exciting parts. Wait’ll you see the speech Sombra makes for his ‘empire.’ It’s one of the most one-sided and delusional arguments you’ll ever see.”

“It’s an argument? I thought it was a speech.”

>“It’s some of both. He’s ranting at Celestia and Luna as they corner him. I won’t spoil it for you.”

“Could you tell me the context, at least?”

>“Celestia and Luna personally have him cornered, as in they led the charge into the Crystal Empire and now they have him trapped and at their mercy. He says his part, then uses dark magic to make his whole empire disappear.”

“What do you mean by ‘at their mercy?’”

>“He’s practically goading Celestia into killing him. She probably should have.”

 

 

>Cue stock sound effects : Tires screeching to stop.mp3, record scratch.mp3, crowd gasp 5.mp3

>Layer them over each other, and you’ll have an audible representation of how you’re feeling about what Twilight said

“Wait, wait, hold up. Did you just approve of killing?!”

>“In Sombra’s case. He was almost mentally dead, and if Celestia had killed him then the Crystal Empire wouldn’t have disappeared.”

“Well, okay, but this is sort of a 180 from what I thought your opinion on the topic was!”

>Twilight serious’es slightly

>“Not really. He was an emperor, and he ruined hundreds of thousands of lives. Keep reading. You’ll find that Equestria does NOT take kindly to the concept of empires. That reminds me, actually, how is Star Wars in terms of child-appropriateness? A lot of the Disney movies don’t have what I’d consider to be child-appropriate themes. Let’s just say I’m glad I previewed Bambi.”

“That’s exactly what I’m talking about. You’re so squeamish about death, but his is fine?”

>Now she’s gone full serious

>“He was threatening to overthrow Celestia and Luna. Him. Threatening to overthrow the most Harmonious beings alive who brought Equestria together and imprisoned Discord. The Sisters thought that was wrong, and I’m inclined to agree with them. Even if he wasn’t evil, he’d be a step down from the Diarchy. Don’t mess with what’s already perfect.”

>This is clearly serious business for her

>Probably a good idea to change the subject or leave

 

 

“Uh… alright, I guess that’s justifiable and all. I wasn’t expecting it from you, though. Can I get past you? I’d like to brush my teeth…”

>“I was headed to do the same thing. Do you mind if I come with you?”

>Sort of

“I’m okay with that.”

>“Excellent!”

>And now she’s back to being all peppy?

>Dafuq is up with Purplesmart tonight?

>True to her word, Twilight follows you into the bathroom

>She levitates one of the gajillion cheap toothbrushes that your family gets at every dental visit and her tube of toothpaste to herself before she’s even in the room, then props herself up on the sink

>By the time you’ve got your electric toothbrush and toothpaste ready, she’s moved on to flossing

>Showoff

>She finishes quickly so she can speak to you while you brush

>“You know, I didn’t TOTALLY dislike that Harry Potter novel. It was actually somewhat digestible if I pretended the characters were unicorns… do you think Hermione would have a purple coat if she was a p0ny?”

>Shrug

>“Yeah, I couldn’t decide, either. I’ve been meaning to thank you for the list, by the way. I’ve been going through the music list in order. I’ve got to say, I wasn’t expecting too much when I first saw it. Most of the genres exist in Equestria, but what I’ve heard from the list so far is entertaining and very insightful.”

 

 

>You try to mumble “What have you heard?” past your buzzing toothbrush

>“I just finished the section on gospel. I thought it was interesting that ‘Down By The Riverside’ had a line about not practicing war anymore, but almost all the national anthems had lines that implied harm should be done to competing nations. Is there something I’m missing?”

>Shaking your head in reply and staying on one spot with your toothbrush is difficult, but you do it anyway

>“Alright, just checking. I REALLY don’t get your culture. What do you want? I mean collectively, as a species, what do humans want?”

>Mumbling “I dunno” comes out as “rYzikJhd”

>Twilight picks up on its meaning from the shrug that accompanies it

>“At least I'm not the only one who doesn't get it.”

>You motion towards the sink

>Twilight leans away to let you spit

“*Ptuh* We know our problems, but not ourselves.That’s why I’m hoping you can figure it out. You’re an outside observer. You might find the answers we’ve been missing. I can’t remember meeting anyone who could tell me what the meaning of life is, even though it’s so glaringly obvious.”

>She leans back onto the sink and gives you an incredulous look, and asks the obvious question in a tone that implies she’s expecting a ridiculous answer

>“Could YOU tell me the meaning of life?”

 

 

>You rinse off your toothbrush and give the ridiculous answer

“Procreate. Make more life, pass on good genes and perpetuate life for another generation. Repeat ad infinitum.”

>She raises a hoof and opens her mouth to retort, but nothing comes out

>Slowly, she lowers the hoof and looks away

>“…I was going to say that’s closer to the purpose of life, but that could be a semantic argument that could last until breakfast time. Besides, the answer is actually to live in Harmony.”

>You turn off the faucet and put down your brush

“What does that word mean? I keep seeing it with a capital ‘H’ in the book you got for me.”

>The hoof comes up again, as does the incredulous look and open mouth

>Instead of a repeat performance, she closes her mouth and slaps herself on the forehead

>“Duh. Of course you wouldn’t know. It’s when everyone is honest, loyal, generous, kind, full of laughter, and magical. Celestia and Luna were born from the desire for Harmony by p0nies under Discord’s rule, so we follow their lead because they’re the most connected to the idea of Harmony. Take out any of those components, and it should all fall apart. We also consider a society’s ability to live in harmony a decent indicator of whether they count as sentient. What it boils down to is that friendship is magic, and magic is what (figuratively and literally) makes the world go ‘round.”

 

 

>Ohhhhhh so that’s why Spike seemed to agree with Twilight saying “friendship is magic”

>‘Friendship is Magic’ is actually what they believe and Celestia and Luna are like their gods

>You swore you’d abandon headcanons, but that’s actually a good one

“Pardon me saying, but that sounds kind of like a religious philosophy.”

>She finally leans away from the sink

>“I guess you could think of it like that.”

>Sitting down on the edge of the tub, you’re left wondering why Twilight is being so nice all of a sudden

>That was exactly the opposite answer you expected from her

>The one you expected was something along the lines of “no you stupid human that’s all wrong”

>Except for that bit about empires being bad, she’s been unnaturally happy

>Seriously, dafuq is up with Purplesmart?

>“Needless to say, eating another living being doesn’t match the ‘kindness’ part of that philosophy, so griffons and omnivores are just over the borderline of sentience.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

>“Oh, no! No, it’s not. It’s just sort of an awkward situation griffons are in, being in a cold climate without any constructive magical abilities to help them grow crops. The Monsanto genetically modified organisms controversy in the news is making me consider looking into how humans breed their plants. It might help them cut back on their meat eating a bit, but I doubt they’d completely abandon omnivorism. Heck, there are a few p0nies who wouldn’t abandon omnivorism.”

“P0nies can eat meat?”

 

 

>“We can. It’s just a thing most of us don’t like to do. Choosing to be an omnivore if you don't biologically need to be one is usually frowned upon. Let me show you something.”

>She pulls out a piece of paper she was hiding under her wing and unrolls it for you

 

 

Hey Twilight,

 

I think I ought to let you know how things are going in Canterlot. Status: PARTY! The party that Pinkie’s

throwing right now is totally awesome! The new snacks she makes are awesome too, but it’s gonna bug

me later when I’m working off the empty calories. Fat is NOT aerodynamic. Anyway, just being a friend

who wants to keep you up to date on what’s happening at home. Your brother’s on duty, so I’m told.

Not sure if you’ve heard from him yet, so there’s that. At least I think that’s what they said. Getting truth

(or any reaction at all) out of the tight-lipped guards is a pain, as usual.

 

 

You think they’d trust THE Rainbow Dash by now.

Wait, I just wrote my name up there. Do I have to write it again?

Whatever, I’ll sign it. My autograph and hoofprint are going to be valuable someday.

 

Ʊ Rainbow Dash~

 

You’re welcome.

 

 

>“This is one of my pegasus friends. She’s a huge fitness freak, and she's got a rebellious streak that's as large as her ego. She swears by an omnivorous diet to help build muscle mass. Mostly seafood, probably because she used to be good friends with a griffon from one of the Equestrian-speaking areas of the Republic.”

 

 

>If there’s a hidden message here, you don’t see it

>In any case, she rolls it up and puts it back under her wing before you can take a second look

>Wait, was she carrying this the whole time just to pull it out and show you?

>“The reason I bring this up is because I’d like to do a blindfolded taste test of vegetarian and meat hot dogs. Now that I know I can eat animals relatively guilt fr-”

>Is that what this is?

>She’s just buttering you up

“Twilight, I’m going to smack you upside the head if you keep this up.”

>This shocks her out of whatever act she was trying to sell

>“What? What am I doing wrong?”

“Acting the way I want you to act.”

>“…There’s a problem with that?”

>Yes

“Changing yourself to make me happy won’t make me happy. You’re going home someday. Make sure you’re still the p0ny your friends recognize when you get back.”

>She deadpans her response without the slightest hint of sass

>“And what if that p0ny wants to incessantly criticize all the flaws of human society?”

“Tone that down and let me get a word in edgewise every now and then.”

>“…You know, you really remind me of my brother.”

“In a good way, or a bad way?”

>She smiles

>“In a good way.”

>There’s something so pleasant about that smile

 

 

>You just want to see her be happy

“Have I ever told you that you’ve got a nice smile?”

>“I, umm… Yeah, I think you have. Thanks.”

>She shifts around awkwardly

>GodThat’sCute.gif

>“I’d, uh, I’d be even happier if I had a volunteer for magic experiments. Would you do that for me?”

>It’s going to take more than a nice smile to have you be a guinea pig

>No

“Okay.”

>FUCK

>MOUTH, YOU HAD ONE JOB AND THAT JOB WAS TO SAY NO

>ARRRRRRRGH

>You’re inwardly fuming, but Twilight just let out a little squeal of delight and is completely oblivious to how conflicted you look

>“Perfect perfect perfect! Hold out your arm. I’m going to see if I can grab it.”

>You extend your left arm, because you figure that’s the one you’d miss least and you can’t really say no if she decides to grab it anyway

>“Okay, I’m going to have my eyes shut so I’m sure I can get the spell right. Hold completely still, and please tell me what’s happening.”

>She screws her eyes shut and her horn glows that bright magenta-ish color you’ve seen again and again, enveloped by a pulsating mass of magic

>Jon couldn’t have been more wrong

 

 

>A similar magenta amoeba is swallowing your forearm, giving it a feeling of weightlessness and pressure

>Somewhere in the lizard-brained instincts of your mind, there is a primal, panicked scream that you have to strangle in order to speak

“Uh… there looks like there’s magic on my arm. It feels tingly.”

>She blinks her eyes open to see, shutting them immediately

>“The tingling is natural. Don’t worry about shocks. I picked up both ends of a voltmeter with telekinesis and couldn’t get a reading. This should be completely safe.”

>This should be completely safe

>Famous last words

>Her horn’s glow intensifies slightly

>“I’m going to try pulling your arm twelve inches to your left. You’re going to feel a tugging sensation. Just relax and let it happen.”

>Against everything the back of your brain tells you to do, you leave your arm limp

>And then it starts moving, like gravity changed its mind and decided to go sideways

>NOPE

>NOPE

>ABANDON ALL NOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE

“Stop!”

>You spoke forcefully, but not loudly

>It’s enough to get Twilight’s attention and remove the blob of shouldn’t

 

 

>Her eyes snap open, her horn stops glowing, and she tries desperately to see everything at once

>“What happened? Tell me everything that happened!”

>You sigh and lower your head into your hands while staring at the floor

“It- it felt so WRONG. It felt like you said it would, but it just felt so uncomfortable that I couldn’t let you do it.”

>Twilight interrogates you with all the compassion of a laboratory technician taking samples from a petri dish

>“Please, describe the discomfort.”

“It didn’t hurt, it just felt… I don’t know, it felt like something that shouldn’t be happening.”

>“Interesting… would you say it was a psychosomatic response as opposed to an actual physical sensation?”

“I guess? It was too weird. I didn’t like it.”

>“‘Weird’ in what sense?”

“Like... I felt like screaming. I can’t describe it. It was just this feeling of intense dread and fear.”

>“Was it a fear of anything in particular?”

“No. It was… it was like half of my instincts were telling me to run away as fast as I can, but the other half were telling me I should give up because it would be pointless to run or fight.”

>“Was it a fear of me?”

>There’s no good answer to that

>All you can do is stare at the floor

>“Jake…”

>She actually sounds worried

>A soft clopping sound approaches on the linoleum

>Two lavender pillars appear in your upper peripheral vision

 

 

>“Jake, why are you afraid of me? I don’t know why I’d ever want to hurt you.”

>You slowly lift your head, coming face to face with this impossible houseguest

>Her brows are raised high over her fist-sized eyes and the smile she had a moment ago has inverted itself, giving the impression of a dog that’s been scolded

>A promise is a promise

>Be honest

“I don’t know either, and you probably wouldn’t know while you’re doing it. Maybe you’d… you know, snap like you did a couple months ago. The moment you start using magic to hurt people, we’ll have no recourse. You could do anything you want to us because we can’t stop you, and you could cause problems we’d never be able to fix.”

>Twilight looks away, ashamed and pensive, then looks back a few seconds later

>“I might be able to teach you how to resist the effects of magic.”

>THERE’S A WAY TO RESIST MAGIC?!

“Tell me how to do that!”

>“Not yet. I need to know I can trust you with it.”

>PLS

>TWALOT, PLS

“How can I trust you with magic?”

>“You can’t. That’s why I’m asking you to be my test subject. I need you to know that you don’t have to fear me. If I told you how to resist magic now, it might ruin experiments. Please, trust me. I'd never do anything to hurt you.”

>That would've been comforting if you didn't catch her saying “at least not intentionally” under her breath

>Fuuuuck

>She’s going to give you her spellbooks eventually if you keep saying yes, but this might be a rough road to travel

“…I’ll do it.”

 

 

>Over the span of a few seconds, her expression does a total reversal

>“You mean that?”

“Yes.”

>Her smile only intensifies

>“5pm until dinner each day for magic testing, then 9pm until midnight for movies?”

“I have nothing planned for the entire summer. That time’s fine with me.”

>Hot DAMN is that a cute smile

>“Jake, I want to do something foolish and instinctive right now, but I’m not going to throw caution to the wind just yet. I’m going to cast a quick ‘visible magical particles’ spell and then touch your hand. Is that okay with you?”

>What’s she got planned?

“Uh, alright…”

>She steps back and casts the spell, forming a dome of light over each of her massive eyes, pure white except for a jet black silhouette of yourself

>You hold out your left hand for her to fondle and inspect

>This lasts for an uncomfortable half-minute as she studies your hand and holds it in various ways with her front hooves

>“Okay… it looks like extended contact with a human has no ill effects.”

>The light covering her eyes dissipates

>“NOW I can be foolish and instinctive.”

>Suddenly, she wraps both of her front legs around your torso and pulls you close with her head up against your chest

>“Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! You have no idea how much this means to me! I’m almost too excited to sleep! We are going to do so much science! THANK YOU!!”

>Um

>Alright, semi-consensual hugging

>That’s cool, that’s cool

 

 

>You hesitantly put one arm around the back of her neck and another around her head as gently as you can

>It seems to be an appreciated gesture and makes her snuggle up to you even closer

>She pulls away after a moment to make eye contact again, but lets you keep a grip on her

>“This is going to be the best kind of science. It’s MAGIC SCIENCE. Thank you!”

>One of your hands is directly above and behind her ears

>This is a once in a lifetime opportunity

>If she gets to test magic on you, you get to try something the internet told you you’d never get a chance to do

>She feels your fingers moving and perks up slightly

>“What are you-”

>Scratchie scratchie

>She leans back into your hand and closes her eyes

>“Mmmm… keep doing that.”

>Twicat is melting into incredible relaxation at your touch

>“A little to your left…”

“Do you realize that you’re acting like a housecat?”

>“I don’t care. This feels weirdly good. Keep going. Nnn…I’d be purring, but I can’t roll my ‘r’s very well. Yeah, right there... gooood human. Don't stop.”

>Who’s the pet here?

“Say ‘please.’”

>“Oh, please, don't stop... magic is like catnip to me. I’m gonna need a few minutes of this so I can relax and sleep tonight. Thank youuuuu...”

 

 

#IRCAddamsLocal

Server time 06:15 5/28/2013

 

 

06:15:10@Basement has signed on

06:15:22@Basement: Good morning, Eliza. I’ll be up for breakfast in a couple of minutes, but I have a question I’d like answered first. Do you have a moment?

06:15:35@ElizaLaptop: I have a bit of time. I don’t have to rush in to school like I usually do because we’re doing finals.

06:15:41@Basement: Alright, I’m up to the section of Jake’s history textbook that deals with Islam. Forgive me if I'm saying something offensive, but Islam’s origin story is essentially the same as the story of Moses and the burning bush, then the story of Abraham and the Idolaters, and then Robin Hood. None of the news reports I’ve seen have said anything about Islam except that it’s the religion most commonly associated with terrorism. Why is something so prevalent and easily analogized never explained?

06:15:54@ElizaLaptop: I never asked that question, myself. I don’t know. I only know Islam because I studied a bit of it to present it in one of my Sunday School classes.

06:16:19@JakeLaptop has signed on

06:16:27@ElizaLaptop: You’re up early. Did you sleep well?

06:16:50@JakeLaptop: I was sleeping with my window open. The highway down the hill from here is a decent white noise machine until a truck comes by and is like BRRRRRRVT BRRRRRRR when it uses its brakes. Just checking in before I turn over and go to sleep again. How is everyone?

 

 

06:16:50@Basement: I'm reading up on religions and wondering why humans seriously believe in ghosts.

06:17:00@ElizaLaptop: I’m going to head out soon, and I know why humans ‘seriously believe in ghosts.’

06:17:03@Basement: Would you please tell me? I can sort of understand wanting to live after death in circumstances when death is a real and present danger, but religion is popular even in communities of relative safety.

06:17:16@ElizaLaptop: I’d prefer you read some scriptures and form your own opinion before I tell you mine. Jake, did you ever check your final grades for last semester?

06:17:26@JakeLaptop: Hold on, let me do that right now…

06:20:11@JakeLaptop: You’ve got to be shitting me. I thought I was going to have a good day today.

06:20:20@ElizaLaptop: What’s wrong?

06:20:42@JakeLaptop: I know you’re both concerned about Spike reading this and getting a potty mouth, but I’m going to swear as much as I want because this is some stupid shit. Professor Spadaccini gave me a flat 0% grade for his course.

06:20:49@ElizaLaptop: He did? What happened?

 

 

06:21:23@JakeLaptop: I used Wikipedia for a bit of research in my final paper. The paper that counted for the entire course’s grade. I didn’t cite it, and it was only for some stuff I couldn’t find anywhere else, but he failed me for it even though he said he values honesty. He wouldn’t have even known I’d used it if I hadn’t told him. I just dicked myself out of .5 of my GPA because I added seven words to an email as an afterthought. SEVEN WORDS. Nice guys really do finish last. Fuck.

06:21:31@JakeLaptop: Oh, and I'm a lab rat for a crazy magician. I’m not really sure how I feel about that.

06:21:33@Basement: I’m not crazy: I’m eccentric. And you’re a volunteer, not a test animal. You can call the tests off whenever you want.

06:21:36@Basement: That reminds me of something. Eliza, I used telekinesis on your arm a while ago. Do you remember how it felt?

06:21:38@JakeLaptop has signed off

06:21:44@ElizaLaptop: Tingly.

06:21:45@Basement: What was going through your mind when the magic was on your arm?

06:21:59@ElizaLaptop: I knew it was an accident, but I still felt very strangely afraid. It was like how I’d heard one of my students had been involved in that triple murder that was linked to the bombing. It’s like the moment you receive an unpleasant surprise, but it lasts much longer.

06:22:02@Basement: Very interesting… Jake had a similar response. I’d test if this is a response common among humans, but I don’t see any way to get a representative sample.

 

 

 

Part 5

>Saturday, June 1, 8:06pm, basement of Addams household

>Minimum of ~59.66 months to first rescue attempt

>You are Twilight Sparkle

>The weather on Earth is so uncontrolled that it’s almost pitiful

>The current outdoor temperature is 80 around degrees Fahrenheit, the local unit of measurement

>This is at SUNSET

>By Equestrian measure, that’s just over 110 degrees, and by anyone’s standards it’s too hot, too hot to handle…

>Curse Sinatra and his golden voice; you just got fifteen new songs stuck in your head

>It got up to a sweltering 90 degrees Fahrenheit earlier today

>It was even hotter yesterday when Jon and Eliza left for the weekend

>The day before that, there was a massive thunderstorm at 10pm

>In the central area of the country, it’s even worse

>Deluges have caused the two largest rivers on the continent to flood their banks

>In Equestria, there’s usually someone culpable for a flood (not counting the one that caused the Mino-Griffonic War)

>Bad weather management, unruly beavers, maybe a boat getting stuck and forming a dam

>Here…floods just happen

>Earth’s environment is almost completely out of control

>But humans don’t mind too much

>They cope, and they control what they can

 

 

>It’s hard not to applaud humans for their ingenuity

>Misdirected as it is most of the time, they come up with novel solutions to their problems using what little they have available

>For example, the Addams don’t own an air conditioning unit

>So instead, they have an electric fan in the window of Jon’s office that pulls cool air from the basement by way of the hallway and kitchen

>This essentially makes the entire house a single air conditioning unit

>To keep a consistent flow of air, they shut every other window and open the basement door

>It’s open

>You’re a screen door away from freedom

>If you wanted to run, you could

>But where would you go?

>Why leave?

>Everything you need is right here

>There’s no point in leaving

>Celestia wouldn’t approve unless you were somehow forced to leave, and you might not be able to convince Spike to come with you if you tried to run

>Leaving the house hasn’t done anything to wake you up from your supposed coma

>At 2am last night, you tried

 

 

>You swore to your hosts that you wouldn’t, but no harm was done and they don’t need to know if it’s not of any consequence

>It was just a quick jaunt outside

>Open the door, ascend the concrete stairwell, look at the stars, and enjoy the first time you’ve had open sky over your head in months

>You also tried out your new wings

>Between their lack of use and your inexperience, your short flight could be generously described as clumsy

>You barely managed to get onto the roof and take a look around

>That angular object you saw on the roof back in February was an adjustable antenna

>That would explain why the radio reception has been so good, but that's not the point

>Standing on top of the building felt liberating, as though you’d conquered your confinement

>You were outside

>Free, but you couldn’t leave

>A melancholic victory

>Partial credit is better than not answering a question

>It was the closest you’ve felt to home since you got here

>Fifteen minutes of sitting on the roof with nothing to keep you company except a collection of perpendicular metal rods strapped to a false chimney

>The moon was in its third quarter, and a rare asteroid pass-by had occurred earlier that day

>You sat

>You stared at the night sky

>You thought to yourself

>Home is up there

>Impossibly far away, and still so near to you

>You’ll return someday

>Someday

 

 

>But you couldn’t stay on the roof all night, as much as you’d wanted to

>Looking back to Earth, you took in your surroundings

>This is where you are

>Louis Armstrong seems to think this is a wonderful world

>Not something you can objectively agree with, but he’s not completely wrong

>The peaceful areas aren’t that bad

>If US/Russia tensions over the Syrian Civil War don’t escalate, this area will probably remain peaceful

>Your view from the rooftop wasn’t the most scenic, but you’d never seen anything like it with your own eyes

>Radio towers on a distant hill were blinking their lights to make them more visible to the infrequent sky traffic

>The highway you’d heard of was still in use at this hour of the morning, cars occasionally illuminating the asphalt as they rushed towards their destinations

>A water tower on a nearer hill jutted up from the landscape, interrupting the skyline

>And then, immediately around you, there was the neighborhood

>Just a human neighborhood

>Earth is losing its novelty now that you know you understand some of it

>Trees, grass, flower gardens, vegetable gardens, and intersecting streets with electrically powered lights for convenience

>All the houses are arranged in a neat grid pattern

>A nicely planned, peaceful neighborhood

>You could see yourself living here, if you were human

 

 

>Humans might have seen you on the roof

>Not that you have to worry about that

>Who would be up at that hour?

>Anyhuman that’s seen you has probably written it off as a sleep-deprived hallucination

>And you’re certain you weren’t seen

>Now that you know going outside won’t wake you up, you don’t have much reason to unless you feel homesick again

>If your idea that emotional pain represents physical pain is correct, then the opiates you thought you were getting must have kicked in by now

>Good; you’re not sure how much more distress you could take

>It’s actually sort of pleasant here

>HERE here, not Earth in general

>The Addams’ are nice people, and very accommodating

>You and Spike are new, alien, and supposedly impossible, but that doesn’t matter to them

>They took you in and gave you everything you needed

>They never asked you to leave, even though you were a bit of a nuisance at times

>The only part about you that they don’t seem totally at ease with is your magic

>Most of them seem to regard it as a curiosity more than a threat

>They always stop and stare whenever they see you doing magic

>Something about it just transfixes them

>It’s hard to imagine what it would be like, seeing magic for the first time after you’ve been told it’s impossible all your life

>For the most part, they’re reacting positively

>That’s not including their strange reactions to having magic used on them (more on that in a moment)

 

 

>Humans in general, well…

>They're bearable… for a species that seems to be on the verge of ‘World War 3’

>Just don’t preoccupy yourself with the news, like how Russia was evacuating their people from the embattled country of Syria as a US senator meets with the rebelling side of that civil war

>Every war the humans have had is civil war; they’ve only had wars within their species

>It’s their bible’s ‘Cain and Abel’ story, the first fratricide, repeating like a broken record

>The appeal of religion is a mystery to you; as far as you can tell, it’s just some of their philosophy repackaged into a fable with horribly inaccurate depictions of magic, plus a few rules and traditional practices

>You read about Islam on the ‘internet’ because it’s so prevalent in the news

>The two major denominations of Islam are at odds because they can’t agree on who the successor to their ‘prophet’ was

>Why should that matter if their beliefs remain fundamentally the same?

>You also read all the excerpts from Jake’s textbook and completed the abridged ‘bible’ in a single day

>Both books had the same conclusion regarding murder, though ‘Vice and Virtue in Everyday Life’ had an unexpectedly broad range of opinions

>Immanuel Kant’s ‘Categorical Imperative’ was appealing, whereas Thomas Hobbes drove you away with a worse view of human behavior than your own

>Overall, humans DO seem to follow the same rules as the ones that sustain Harmony

 

 

>Humans tend to agree that killing each other is wrong outside of some very exceptional situations

>How they keep getting themselves into those circumstances is another point of confusion

>It’s not like they can’t stop

>Why don't they follow their own rules?

>Bad: some of the jazz and the national anthem of the United States have sinister connotations, if your theory of interaction between your dream and the events occurring around you in the waking world is accurate

>Those songs might point towards a serious medical complication, and Luna may be absent if your idea of this world being internal and symbolic is correct

>‘Fly Me to the Moon’ and ‘Stariway to the Stars’ could mean that Luna is on (or worse, needs to be imprisoned in) the moon again

>If she somehow became Nightmare Moon again, you’re absolutely NEEDED back home

>You hope you’re misinterpreting that, and it’s just her reaffirming your assumption that she can leave discreet messages for you

>The US national anthem doesn’t leave room for misinterpretation

>This country won its independence in a rebellion spurred by unfair taxation

>This is reflected in an ode to a battle that lasted all night

>On the dawn of the next day, their flag was still raised over the fort they defended, defiant of the bursting bombs and streaking rockets that had illuminated it during the night

>Oh say can you see/By the dawn’s early light/What so proudly we hailed/at the twilight’s last gleaming?

>Twilight’s last gleaming

 

 

>You might have heard the doctors around your comatose body say that you're in terminal condition

>That would be bad

>That would be VERY bad

>Everything you learned will be lost

>Singlehoofedly advancing the state of science and technology by centuries won’t matter much if you wake up to find you didn’t actually do it

>Salvageable, if inconvenient

>You’d just have to repeat yourself and hope you remember everything correctly

>But if you die, all you know dies with you

>Your death would be even more tragic for all the avenues of possibility it closes off

>And no-one would know what they’d be missing

>You need to get home

>The sooner, the better

>The letter from Rainbow Dash said that the changeling told the truth

>Your friends think they’re culpable for sending you to another universe

>It’s slightly easier to believe than somehow taking yourself to a parallel universe, but you’re at a loss for how they might have done that

>The dream theory stands on the grounds that you don’t know how they could possibly have enough magic to do such a thing and the sheer similarities of these two universes

>Probability is still on your side

>How you got here doesn’t matter right now

>You need to get home

>Something bad might be happening in Equestria

>Possibly a threat to the Princesses

 

 

>If you are hearing things around you in the waking world, all this talk of explosives and war point toward something terrible happening

>The bearer of the Element of Magic has been taken out of the picture

>5 to 20 years might be too late

>One way or another, wakefulness or physical transportation, you need to get back to Equestria

>This is the worst dream you’ve ever had, even with the pain dulled

>Come to think of it, Sombra’s doorway to an illusion of your greatest fear could still be…

>No, don’t get preoccupied again

>You’re past that

>And the months between that and your coronation were too pleasant for that to be plausible

>Even if this is real, it’s not like Equestria would get into another war

>That’s not possible

>The talk of war and bombs has to be symbolic of something else

>Finally, just to round things out and relate this to the movie you’re watching tonight

>Ugly: The movies you’ve watched with Jake have ‘horses’ being driven around in painful harnesses

>It hurts to look at them

>It also hurts to think of the bodycount of the movies you’ve seen so far

>Humans are dying left and right in those movies, and nobody except the coffin-maker in ‘A Fistful of Dollars’ seems to care

>That movie also included some creative disturbing of the dead: two corpses are used as decoys to lure opposing gangs into a fight over some ‘informants,’ both of those informants actually being the corpses propped up to look like they’re asleep

 

 

>The moral of the first couple of movies were questionable as well

>‘Fort Apache’ teaches that it’s prestigious to die in battle, even if it’s a fight you started without good reason, and ‘The Searchers’ seems to be entirely about how people who are different are bad

>Those two films have a historically abused ethnicity as the villains, for some reason

>The line in ‘The Searchers’ about how a specific tribe of Aboriginal Americans would ride their horses to death and then eat them is something you’re assured is an exaggeration

>That movie did have an interesting intro about how the film crew needed to film in an area with no telephones, but the fact that humans have ever considered eating horse meat is off-putting

>What’s worse is that they still do it

>There was a scandal earlier this year about a food company using horse meat instead of its advertised meat

>You're not sure how you hadn't heard of it

>Humans do look down on people who eat horse, so that’s a small comfort

>You don’t have to worry about getting eaten

>Besides, you’re supposed to be concentrating on the testing Jake volunteered to undergo

>If you figure out all the nuances of how humans can influence your magic, you might be able to get yourself home

>The trick is to do this in a way that doesn’t reveal that they can influence your magic, or to determine that they won’t abuse their influence if they find out about that

>Easier said than done

 

 

>If magic trips Jake’s fight or flight instinct every time, you’ll never get past the most basic of tests, and he’ll never trust you with magic

>He already said he’d refuse to participate in tests that have effects which can’t be treated by human medicine

>That means nothing but telekinetic spells (for now) and no attempts to remove the ‘shared eye’ enchantment under the pretense of removing an enchantment that was part of a test

>It’s disappointing, but you were ready for that

>It’s still science

>Finding out you’re wrong isn’t so bad if you can use it to find out what’s right

>“StopstopstopSTOP!”

>There it goes again

>The magic around his arm dissipates for the fiftieth time this evening

>You’ve already told him more than you’re comfortable with him knowing

>He’s going to connect the dots and realize he’s already resisting your magic any day now

>Without his instinctive aversion to having magic used on him, it probably would have been sooner

>Figuring out how to harness a human’s ability to amplify magic without their knowledge is looking increasingly unlikely

>5 to 20 years is how long you’re probably going to have to wait

>It might not even be mathematically possible to use humans’ magic influence to teleport that far

>Whatever happens in Equestria between now and then will be something you can’t stop

>You release the charge you’ve been manipulating with your horn and open your eyes again

 

 

>He’s sitting on the spare bed you’ve occupied for most of your stay here, shaking with fear from some instinctive reaction he never knew he had

>A choir of crickets is chirping outside, mocking your desperate attempts at magic

>A forlorn sigh escapes you

“How far did I move your arm this time?”

>It takes him a moment to collect himself

>Even then, he’s not very collected, panting and sweating uncontrollably as he usually does between your attempted castings

>It smells like human sweat down here

>And that’s with the fan going and the doors open

>“It- two.”

“Jake, I know this is hard, but would you please give me a unit of measurement?”

>“Feet. Two feet.”

>Four times further than your first attempt

>Progress is slow, but any progress is good

“Do you want to call this off for now?”

>“No.”

>This is thanks in no small part to his tenacity/emotional masochism

“Are you sure?”

>“Yes.”

“Are you SURE that you’re sure?”

>“Yes.”

“Are you just saying that?”

>“Ye- no. No.”

>He said “yes” first

>Revising answers isn’t allowed right now

“Do you know what time it is?”

>“No.”

 

 

>You wiggle the ‘mouse’ input device of your ‘computer’ around, taking it out of standby mode

>Unlike the ‘television’ remote, this seems to be the most magically reliable object you’ve ever had the chance to use

>It as easy to use telekinesis on this as it is on any item you from Equestria, if not easier

>One more thing to be thankful for

>After the second of warm-up, the main ‘screen’ of the ‘computer’ is active

>You move the cursor onto the ‘task bar’s’ digital clock, then click it to enlarge it into a representation of an analog clock

“It’s past eight. We’ve been doing this 50 percent longer than usual.”

>His response never comes

>He just sits there, panting

“Why do you put yourself through this? I can’t enjoy this if it’s going to be so unpleasant for you, so don’t say it’s for me.”

>He finally collects himself enough to speak full sentences

>“I- I need to know how to resist magic.”

“I’m not a threat. Please, just trust me. This… reflex, or whatever you want to call it, it’s not helping you.”

>Though it may have helped his ancestors

>He doesn’t respond to your statement, giving you a moment to think

>You’re piecing together what may have made this an alternate universe

 

 

>Humans gained the ability to amplify or nullify the effects of magic at some point in their evolution, something they must have lacked on the planet you called home

>Without this, they went extinct in your universe

>Here, they used it to prevent breeding in flora and fauna that were evolutionarily affected by magic

>For example, manticores are part mammal, part arachnid

>Without the influence of magic, they wouldn’t develop properly in-utero

>Scorpions don’t give live birth, after all

>This also explains why there is so much ambient magic; creatures that would have had a dependence on magic were born in such limited numbers that they had less opportunity to absorb the magic around them

>Humans may have also used this ability to hunt herds of early unicorns, prevent early pegasi from resting on clouds at night, and prevented other species from evolving to a level of basic intelligence

>The variant of the fight or flight instinct you keep triggering may have been a leftover from this time

>It may also explain why objects from Earth are so difficult to influence with magic, even outside of human presence; they’ve been exposed to the collective will of humanity to resist magic for eons, if not longer

 

 

>There’s no way to verify any of this, but you’re not about to research time-traveling spells to find out if there’s a way to visit this brutal period of history

>It would at least explain how they have accurate depictions of creatures that don’t exist here

>Humans recalled the most threatening creatures of prehistory from genetic memory

>The one thing these creatures had in common was magic, which was also the primary method of defense in herds of early unicorns

>A human’s reaction to magic could be an outdated warning, like a predator avoiding colorful frogs because they might be poisonous long after those frogs have lost their ability to produce poison

>But if this is the case, where are the fossils?

>Could a human disintegrate a magical being by sheer willpower?

>No, it’s best not to get preoccupied with possibilities like that

>Just do science

“Can I try the telekinesis spell again?”

>He holds out his arm

>It’s always the left arm, and he always says the same two words he always says with such determination

>Almost as though he’s convinced he’ll be able to hold it together this time

>“Do it.”

“Here goes…”

 

 

>You shut your eyes and concentrate

>Your horn overflows with magic, focused at the point of highest efficiency for telekinesis spells

>The focus intensifies in precision with Jake’s desire to have this be the time that he doesn’t tell you to stop

>As you picture the action you want to happen, the focus begins wavering violently

>You can barely keep it close enough to the intended point of focus for the spell to continue

>No less than five seconds in, he’s calling for you to stop again

>You always have to do what he says in this situation

>He might start to panic and struggle against the magic, tipping him off to the fact that he already has a considerable resistance

>You release the charge and open your eyes

>Jake’s panting and in a cold sweat again

>You wait for him to recover before speaking

>A gurgle in your stomach changes the question you were about to ask from “Do you feel any less afraid than you did during earlier tests?” to “What’s for dinner?”

“Jake, please, let’s stop for the night. If not for your sake, then for dinner’s sake. I’m getting hungry, and I bet Spike is too…”

>“No. Keep going.”

>Time to put your hoof down

>Gently

>Tonight’s been stressful enough

 

 

“All this adrenaline is going to ruin your immune system. Please, we need to stop.”

>“I can try a few more times. Keep going.”

>Okay, not as gently, but still gently

“I’m not going to.”

>“Keep going.”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. I’d be doing more harm than good for either of us. We’re done for the day. That’s final.”

>It’s hard to say, but you’re determined to keep him from hurting himself on your behalf

>Frankly, this is all about your attempt to harness the ‘T. Sparkle Antimagic Field’ to get yourself home

>You still can’t let him do this with a clean conscience

>Jake leans off of the bed and falls to his knees, begging to you from eye level in a calm but desperate tone

>“I need to know how to resist magic! It’s not fair like this. You could use magic on me whenever you want, and I couldn’t do anything about it!”

>If he only knew

>If only you could tell him

>If only you didn’t need to repeat this to him

>It’s exasperating

“You don’t have to fear me. I haven’t hurt a human before, and I’m not going to change that.”

>“But you could, and no one could stop you! I can’t trust you like this. You’re emotionally unstable and armed to the teeth.”

 

 

>Jake’s right about the emotional instability

>You have been a little… erratic

>Yeah, that’s a good enough word for the situation

>But armed?

>With what?

“I’m not going to lie, you have me on the first bit. But what weapon do I have? I’m literally naked!”

>“…I didn’t need to remember that you’re naked, thank you.”

“Sorry. What’s this about being armed, though?”

>He points to your desk

>“Those spellbooks over there probably have a million ways to-”

>Need to interrupt him there

>He’s thinking about this all wrong

>You put up a forehoof to silence him

“Don’t finish that sentence. My horn is not a weapon. It’s a tool.”

>“So are guns.”

>Uh, no

>Your hoof comes back down to make room for the ‘Worst Comparison of the Year Award’ nominee

“Can you write a letter by shooting a gun?”

>A deadpan question with an obvious answer

>Not something he was expecting you to ask, but it has the intended effect of putting him off balance

>“…Okay, so guns are tools without as many uses as your horn. My point is that you have a head cannon…er, forehead pistol, and I can’t protect myself against that.”

>This guy really IS like Shining Armor

>That’s the exact mental process that you’d expect from your sibling

>You sit down and start rubbing your temples with your forehooves to alleviate the headache that the spellcasting and this argument have brought on

 

 

“Ugh… you’re thinking like my brother, and that reminds me of him in a bad way. Life is not a series of things you have to defend yourself against.”

>“How can I be sure I’d never have to defend myself against you? I’m pleading with a purple talking magical pony who thinks the entire planet is out to kill her. You could snap again.”

>And now you’re off balance

>A stiff breeze just came through and knocked you both over into a tangled heap of an impasse

“I- alright, I admit that you can’t be sure. But please, trust me anyway.”

>“I won’t let you give me Stockholm Syndrome. Your smile is cute, but that’s not enough.”

“I don’t know what that- hold on.”

>You don’t know what that is, but the ‘internet’ does

>You look behind yourself to see your ‘computer’

>This is the most useful human invention ever, as far as you’re concerned

>Years from now, everyone in Equestria should have a machine like this connected to an Equestrian ‘internet’

>It’s almost enough to redeem humans as a species

>Almost

>As with most of their inventions, it’s the use humans find for it that ruins your impression

>Humans might not be naturally telepathic

>With what they’ve made, it seems to imply that they want to circumvent their physical and magical limitations to emulate telepathy

 

 

>The internet is humanity’s collective mind, converted into an unimaginably long series of yes/no algorithms

>And so much of that logic is used for pornography and pointless arguments

>If it’s just the matter of renting a ‘server’ and registering a ‘page,’ it’s going to be anarchy regardless of which species is using it

>It’s also very unreliable

>The ‘Wait Wait, Don’t Tell Me’ radio show said the words “my little pony” in that order earlier today

>That's the exact phrase Celestia uses to refer to her subjects, so you tried to research that phrase on the ‘internet’

>It simply wouldn’t work

>You ended up taking Jake at his word that it’s a line of dolls for young girls

>He seemed strangely nervous when you asked him about that…

>It’s also strange that Jake mentioned a ‘Pony Express’ delivery service when you asked him about how communication worked in the Western Frontier

>It just sort of came up during ‘For a Few Dollars More’ when the robbers destroyed a ‘telegraph’ wire

>You’d never heard of it because all the ‘web pages’ that related to it were inaccessible to you

>The internet seems to malfunction as you ‘load’ a ‘page,’ never before or after

>If you can get the ‘page,’ any content on it is fine

>The only exceptions to that rule are some images on ‘YouTube’

>Odd, but you have something to check on ‘Wikipedia’

>The ‘computer’ hasn’t resumed its automatic standby mode yet, so you quickly pull up a ‘search engine’ without moving a muscle

 

 

>You enter the phrase Jake just spoke and get immediate results

>‘Stockholm Syndrome’ was discovered during a bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden

>The robbers had avoided hurting the bank employees, who were distressed and behaving irrationally

>Because of this, the employees that were taken hostage ended up sympathizing with and even aiding their captors, mistaking lack of abuse for kindness

>Jake thinks he’s your captive?

>Returning your attention to him, it sure looks like that’s what he believes

>This situation is a social Mobius strip

>He thinks you’re in control, but he’s controlling you!

>Neither of you are in control, and you’re exasperated because he’s using a bad analogy again

“No, it’s not like that at all! I don’t want you to trust me just because I haven’t hurt you! I want to tell you how to resist magic, but I don’t know if I can yet. Just… please. Don’t be afraid of me because I’m a master of re-weaving String Theory. I know better than to abuse my gifts.”

>Jake isn’t swayed at all by this

>You thought that link between magic theory and the human theory of matter would be impressive, but it fell flat

>Time to compromise and lose some ground again…

“We don’t have to get through a full battery of testing. I just need to know I can trust you and everyone you might tell. I’m cancelling any further testing unless we can find a way to do this without hurting you. It was exciting at first, but this isn’t what I wanted it to be like.”

 

 

>NOW it looks like he’s more comfortable,but disappointed as well

>He brushes off his knees and goes back to sitting on your bed

>“Can I at least get a look at your spellbooks?”

“No.”

>“Why not? Didn’t you say you’d be less afraid of war if you understood it?”

“That’s different. There’s no way to simply resist the effects of war, and you’d just figure out how to resist magic on your own if I gave you any of those books. That would be as bad as telling you before I know you’re trustworthy.”

>He’s annoyed, but that’s the price of secrecy

>“Okay, fine. Fair enough. I still prefer to have head based firepower relegated to the realm of obscure patents and Laputan machines.”

“Guns on people’s heads? Seriously?”

>“I recall that someone made a helmet mounted gun with a bite-switch for a trigger, but I think that’s the closest we’ll ever get to making a true skull-gun. There are crazy ideas, and then there are crazy ideas that are too impractical to even consider. I’ll say it again: humankind is not all about violence.”

“I’m willing to believe that, but cranial firearms? That’s too ridiculous to be true.”

>You turn to the computer and enter a few phrases about head and helmet mounted guns while making a mental note to look up machines from ‘Laputa’ when you get the chance

>There are actual results

>Enough for you to spend several minutes browsing around while Jake watches over your withers

 

 

>Head-guns are a thing now, it seems

>And they’ve been a thing since 1916, when someone named Albert Bacon Pratt patented one

“The simple fact that a human got that idea in the first place is the sort of thing that makes me question your species’ technological priorities.”

>Jake is absolutely intrigued by what he sees

>“Huh. I only knew of the one that was patented in the fifties. I didn’t realize that Knight’s Armament Company tried to revive the concept a couple of years ago.”

“That’s irrelevant. Humans are wasting a criminal amount of potential on trying to find new, exotic ways to kill each other. All the things you’ve done without magic, and so much of it is for violence. That’s like, uh…”

>Try to think up a better analogy than the ones he's made

>Hmm…

>He should be able to understand this one

“…Like having as much literature as humans have now, but without written language. Except instead of stories and prose, there are only ‘yo mama’ jokes. Don’t you get it? Humans are a fish out of water that won’t choke, and this is what your species chooses to do?”

>“Do you know who Mikhail Kalashnikov is?”

“No.”

>“Look him up.”

>A quick search later, the ‘search engine’ presents you with the ‘online’ encyclopedia’s ‘page’ on that specific human

 

 

>He was a citizen of the Soviet Union, and commanded a tank crew in the second World War until he was injured in combat

>While recovering, he designed a firearm that caught the attention of a Soviet design bureau and was taken into their employ

>His next design became what is regarded as the most ubiquitous firearm in the world, which has taken countless lives in the service of criminals, terrorists, and conquerors

>It would be hard to find a more stereotypical human

>You didn’t say anything, but the look of condemnation that’s come across you prompts Jake to joke about the article you’re reading

>“I know, right? That’s the most Soviet thing ever. He could have written a novel or something while he was in the hospital, but he was like, ‘Servant of glorious motherland and most excellent Comrade Stalin must never rest! I make weapon for to destroy fascist invaders!’ At least that’s what their propaganda said. Who knows if that story isn’t made up?”

“…Why did you show me this? Are you trying to prove me right?”

>“Trying to prove you wrong, actually. Scroll down to the quotes.”

>Doing as Jake says, you change the display’s contents to the bottom of the ‘page’

>Kalashnikov has intense regret for his role in the world

>All he wanted was to protect his homeland

>He would have preferred to make farming tools

>“On a related note, do you know who Einstein is?”

>Einstein is to atomic physics as Starswirl is to magic

>Nothing tops Starswirl, but Einstein is in your top 10

 

 

>You turn away from the computer to speak to Jake, but you’re not sure how he relates

“Of course! Albert Einstein is one of the most famous atomic physicists.”

>“And a lead scientist for the Manhattan Project. Without him, America might not have been able to build the first atom bomb.”

>That puts Einstein in a bit of a different light

>You’d only seen his equations and snippets of his biography

>And seriously, MANhattan?

>You've heard the name before, but a portmanteau of HUMAN and MANEHATTAN?

>Why would they have places named after their species if there aren’t other species to differentiate themselves from?

>Why do they have a large, copper and iron statue in the same pose as the one off the southwest coast of Manehattan Island?

>Why is it in the same location as the one in Manehattan?

>Why are all the other cities with similar names in the same place as their counterparts?

>Why, why, why?

>Either this is a dream, or every global civilization forms identically

>Probability isn’t supposed to work that way

>One tiny change today can mean a massive difference a million years later

>War should be the least of the differences

>Unless they're all the same, and this is a vision of p0nykind's future...

>No, stop getting sidetracked!

>Einstein may be to blame for the most destructive weapon of human history

>This comes as a bit of a shock to you

>“…You did know he worked on the H-bomb, right?”

“I can’t say I did. Wow, um…”

 

 

>“I bet you’ve never heard his quote about how he wished he’d known his future when he was younger. He said, ‘If I’d only known, I would have been a watchmaker.’ The guy was a pacifist, and he had to design the first nuke or risk having the Axis make the war even bloodier than it already was. Circumstances dictate that we need things for war, so we make weapons.”

“But circumstances are the product of past choices. Humans could choose to end war!”

>“Can we, really? We’ve got all these problems that we go to war over, and... you know what the Gordian Knot is, right?”

>Now it sounds like he’s making an analogy that’s NOT totally wrong

>About time

“That’s the inextricable rope puzzle that Alexander the Great of Macedonia solved by cutting it in half. I’ve heard of it.”

>“Our problems are one big knot. Loosen one rope, and another tightens. We’ll never be able to untie it, and I sure can’t think of a good way to get the sword that can cut it apart.”

>He says things like this so matter-of-factly

>Does he really think this is a lost cause?

“Jake, has there ever been a concerted, species-wide effort to solve these problems? It’s not like humans don’t have the resources to do that.”

 

 

>“The only way to get us all coordinated like that is to make humans a homogenous group. There are simply too many types and cultures of humans to do that.”

“But Equestria is diverse, and we cooperate just fine. We even allow the non-independent sentient species to live in Equestria. Why can’t humans cooperate within their own species?”

>“I skipped ahead a bit in that history book and looked up how many p0nies are believed to be alive right now. Organizing the equivalent of Europe and North America’s combined population is impressive, but it’s easier than organizing the entire planet.”

“It might be harder, but why not try?”

>“Harder? You’re making a massive understatement. We’d have to commit multiple genocides if we wanted to even start coordinating on that level. I don’t mean normal genocide. It would be cultural genocide, killing people from the inside out until they’ve lost all sense of identity. We’d be humans that act like ants, or bees, or whatever. We’d stop being people, and by your definition, we’d be dead. We might as well go nuke ourselves.”

>He’s using your definition of sentience and intelligence against you

>Try and get him to revisit an earlier statement

 

 

“So you admit that war would drive your species to extinction?”

>“Could. It hasn’t. President Kennedy famously said ‘Mankoind must put an end to wah, or wah will put an end to mankoind!’ And yes, he did speak in a ridiculous Boston accent all the time. Years later, the Cold War ended peacefully, creating a relatively tranquil political atmosphere. War didn’t end us, and we can’t end war. Let me know when the next big arms race happens so we can find out if JFK’s still wrong.”

“…You actually thought through all this, didn’t you?”

>“Sure did. When the solution is to make Earth one big termite mound, is the problem worth solving? Hell, is it even a problem? We’ve been at war since prehistory. Even in the Nuclear Age, it’s a sustainable practice. Why stop now?”

>He’s SMILING at you as though he’s proud to be a human

>Yeah, you’re not convincing him otherwise

>Not tonight, at least

>Silence fills the basement, the crickets outside continuing to mock your enfeebled magic and jeering your loss of the argument

>Forehooves come unbidden to your temples again, trying to massage away your renewed headache

>Am I blue?/You’d be, too/if every plan that you had/done fell through

>These human songs are too catchy, and too often do they remind you of home

>Sapphire Shores and Aretha Franklin have nearly identical singing voices

>You’ll be hearing more of Aretha than Sapphire over the next few years

>This bootstrap attempt at getting home is a failure

>As expected

 

 

>You should probably call these tests off indefinitely and just see if befriending all of your hosts gets you full control of your magic

>That’s the most you can hope for

>Whatever is about to happen in Equestria is going to occur outside of your presence

>Dejectedly, you sigh and break the silence

“Please scratch behind my ears again.”

>This is your non-chemical antidepressant (Note to self: test if human fingers secrete mood-altering chemicals/can be used for mind reading)

>Human fingers are practically MADE for this

>The fingernails are just large enough to scratch an itch without getting in the way of the massaging digits

>His fingers part your mane and give you two full minutes of bliss

>It feels so goooood…

“Ahh… Thank you. That’s enough for now.”

>You’re somewhat happier than you felt a moment ago, your frustration overwhelmed by sensation

>It’s tempting to ask him to return his hand to your scalp again

>“I’m surprised you let me do that.”

“You don’t know how good it feels.”

 

 

>“What do you want for dinner? I was thinking of going out to pick something up. Any type of restaurant you’d prefer?”

“Anywhere that serves salad.”

>“That’d be just about everywhere. Are you still considering eating meat?”

“No. not really. I mean, I’m kind of considering it, but it doesn’t sit well with me. Even if it’s not an intelligent creature, it still used to be alive, you know?”

>“I’ll get you a garden salad. I think I’ll go to that Italian place down the hill.”

“You mean ‘Cucina Josefina?’”

>Oops

>You’d seen him go past that one occasionally by using the ‘shared eye’ spell, but none of your hosts have so much as mentioned it

>“How do you know about that restaurant?”

>Think fast, think fast!

>‘Online’ map service has a function that allows you to see what a camera truck took pictures of as it drove around

>Other plausible answer is to admit you went onto the roof last night

>Former answer less likely to reduce trust

>Lack of trust = magic becomes useless

>Need magic

>NEED TRUST

“Uh… I’m getting into the habit of pretending to take a walk by using ‘Google Streetview!’ I’ve gone past it a few times. It just came to mind because I remembered that Jon's allergies mean we don't get much Istallion food.”

>You are a horrible liar

>But he buys it

>“Oh, okay. You had me worried for a second. I’m going to take a quick shower and head out.”

>Jake tromps his way up the stairs

>The delivery on that lie was terrible

>Why does he seem to be accepting it so readily?

 

 

Steam Chat

[BerberB X][NagromSreip X][redleader27 X]

BerberB

In-Game

Combat Mission (that old WWII RTS that I modded so the Soviets represent c…

---------------------

BerberB: Hey.

BerberB: Hey.

BerberB: What are you up to?

BerberB: Evan said you’re acting like Barbara Streisand. I didn’t know what that meant until a few minutes ago.

BerberB: The more you try to hide something that we’d pass up as insignificant, the more curious we’ll get.

BerberB: You got something you don’t want to tell us about?

BerberB: Something like a rape dungeon, or a human trafficking station?

PainedUlnar: It’s not harming anyone.

BerberB: So that’s a yes?

 

 

BerberB: Not to the rape dungeon or human trafficking, I mean.

BerberB: We won’t call DHS if you’re sheltering an illegal alien.

BerberB: Just tell us. This is like a Ratte Land Battleship-sized elephant in the room.

PainedUlnar: You wouldn’t believe me.

BerberB: Try me.

PainedUlnar: No, you don’t get it. I wouldn’t believe anyone who told me this had happened to them, either.

BerberB: So tell me anyway.

PainedUlnar: I’ll consider it.

PainedUlnar: The last thing I need is for more people to know about this. It’s going to cause huge amounts of trouble for everyone if it goes public. I’d have to make you swear on your life not to tell anyone. Literally on your life.

PainedUlnar: I mean it. This is the real ‘I’d tell you, but I’d have to kill you’ type of shit.

BerberB: You just found out your parents are spies, didn’t you? Did you find a folder labeled “spy stuff” on their desktop?

PainedUlnar: Not even close. This is nothing like the 2010 spy swap. It’s bigger than that. Just know that no harm is going to come to anyone or anything if this stays under wraps. I’m not saying any more.

---------------------

|

---------------------

Last message received: Friday, May 31, 2013 at 2:38 PM

 

 

 

Part 6

 

>Day ‘not grounded’ on Earth

>You are Spike

>What time is it?

>It’s

>Wow, it’s past eight at night

>No wonder I’m so hungry

>Time flies when you’re having fun.

>And it crawls when we’re grounded for one of your stupid ideas

>I thought it was a good idea, okay?

>So many of your good ideas are terrible ideas

>It’s a wonder that I let you do any of them

>Yeah? Well… nyuh. Whatever. We’re playing videogames and having fun again.

>No thanks to your idea to get shrunk

>YES thanks to my idea to get shrunk. We still got the grounding shortened.

>Well, we got covered in blood from Jake’s foot

>That was probably the grossest thing ever

>I’ll agree with you there. Blood’s pretty gross.

 

>You make Banjo and Kazooie jump across the platforms skull-shaman guy magic’d to be larger

>This level is dinosaur-themed

>You always thought dinosaurs were cool

>They’re like dragons, but not as dragon-y

>Also, they’re not jerks like the guys that made you steal that phoenix egg

>Time to take the glowy-thingy to buffalo-dress lady so she can make Banjo and Kazooie into a dinosaur

>It’s kind of weird thinking of Banjo-Kazooie as Banjo AND Kazooie, but that’s something this game does

>Last game, bird-lady never left the backpack

>Now she’s out on her own half the time

 

>She’s come so far!

>I wonder if she’s going to move out entirely in the third game

>Is there a third one?

 

 

>You hear a voice coming from the direction of the basement and turn to see who it is

>“Yo thigh-high, are you keeping out of trouble?”

 

>Oh, Jake’s finally done with the spooky magic experiments tonight

>He makes them out to be way spookier than they really are. It’s just telekinesis.

>That’s his problem

>Maybe he’s going to get dinner

 

“Are you still upset about that?”

>“Look, I’m glad you owned up to it, but that was a really dumb move. Don’t do it again.”

>He’s still upset about that

“I did something dumb. I get it.”

>“Let me repeat the important part. I’m glad you owned up to it. I respect that. I’m not writing off our friendship over one incident. Two or three, however…”

“Getting stepped on doesn’t count, right?”

>Jake raises a hand to his chin and makes a thinking pose

>“…All right, six or seven. But if you keep doing big things like picking up the phone, you’ll be on thin ice.”

“I just wanted to help.”

>He exits the thinking pose

>“Thanks, but that doesn’t change the fact that my friends are asking me about that phone call. Use the smart side of your head before you try and help next time, got it?”

 

>He’s talking about me!

>What’s five times five

>Fifty five. Everyone knows that.

>Yeah, no

>Add five to itself five times

>Five plus five is ten, plus five is fifteen, plus five is twenty, plus five is… oh.

>This is why you’ll always need me around

 

 

“Got it.”

>“Good. What part of the game are you up to?”

“It’s the dinosaur level. I was going to take the glowthing to the shaman lady.”

>“This level’s sort of complicated. I’ve got a strategy guide if you want it.”

>Yes, please!

“If it means I don’t need to take more notes, yes!”

>“Back in a sec.”

>He walks back into his room

>After a moment, he returns with a green magazine that has a picture of the game’s characters on the front

>You hop off of the couch and gladly take it from him

>“Here you go. Try to use it only when you need it.”

“Thanks!”

>“I’m going to take a shower and head out to pick up dinner. You want something with meat?”

“You know it!”

>“Okay…meatball sub, garden salad, and a soda. I’ll be back in a bit.”

 

>What-ball?

>I heard ‘meat ball’

 

>Jake walks out of view before you can ask him what he said

>You hear a door shut and the shower start a couple of seconds later

 

>What animal grows into a ball shape?

>Armadillos, I guess

>Didn’t we see one of those when we were in Appleoosa? Do humans really eat those things?

>I don’t recall, and I don’t know

 

 

>Twilight said something about the ‘Western’ movies being a lot like Appleoosa

>The buildings are built the same, they wear hats, and there are humans who live like buffaloes

>The buffalo-people and hat-people tend to fight, too

>Except they don’t food-fight like the ponies did

>They used guns and freaky-looking ‘horses’

>Twilight doesn’t like letting you watch movies where the characters fight or shoot guns

>That’s ruled out a bunch of the cartoons Jake thought she’d let you watch

>It can’t be worse than ‘Zombie-rillas 5: Gone Ape’

>Sneaking out to watch that with Dash and Pinkie was a ton of fun

>Getting caught wasn’t

>Twilight stops some of the cartoons you watch here before they get to the end and tries to pass off some touchy-feely story as the real ending

>She’s almost as bad at making up stories as she is at lying

>If she was as good at making stories as her mom, you wouldn't mind the changes

>They're totally unnecessary either way

>The cartoons aren’t much worse than Equestrian cartoons for kids your age

>Whatever, bringing glow-hop animal to the buffalo-lady who isn’t actually a buffalo

>*URRrrrrp*

>Then again, the game can wait

>This one’s actually addressed partly to you

 

 

Twilight, Spike,

 

 

I feel like saying “hello” to my sister and honorary brother. How are things? I was one of the unicorns

lending magic to the projection spell earlier. I got to be in one of the front rows, so I got a decent view of

you even if you couldn’t see me. I wish I could be there for you, Twilight. I wanted to be along with

Pinkie, but it would have doubled the magic needed for the spell. Who was that first human that said

those weird words, like gahd and fukk? He was the first to notice Pinkie. I’m back on duty, by the way.

Whatever it is you were going to tell the world about humans, PLEASE don’t do it yet. My hooves are full

enough without any riots. I wanted to get back to Cadence ASAP, but it’s clear that I’m needed here.

These vanara are insane. I count five of those stretchy-armed rascals hanging from the chandeliers right

now, and your friends Pinkie and Rainbow have a pranksters’ alliance with some vanara to set a record

for the most whoopee-cushioned seats in one building. “Monkeying around” aside, we have a legitimate

security breach. We’ve caught two changelings impersonating guests. There’s one squad of Unicorn

Guardsp0nies trained in unmasking spells, and several thousand guests. This is going to take forever!

I can’t believe they let security degrade so far! I need to vent, and it’s you or Cadence. She’d probably

prefer to think everything is fine. Would you mind if I sent it to you?

 

I hope you’re feeling better than I am,

Shining Armor

 

 

>What kind of word is ‘fukk?’

>A weird one

>Maybe we should ask Twilight

>She knows a lot of words

>Yeah, but it’s a human word. Jake would probably know it better.

>He’s in the shower

>Okay, we’ll ask Twilight.

 

>You pause the game and get up

>Before you can even get to the door of the basement, Twilight is at the top of the stairs and hoping to get a look at the letter

>She’s not going deaf after all

“Hey Twilight, what does ‘fukk’ mean?”

>Her expression goes from anticipation to shocked and angry before you even say “mean”

>She grabs you with both forehooves and has a crazy look in her eye

>“WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT WORD?”

>Somep0ny’s angry about something

>No idea why

>You unroll the letter for her and point to the line where it said fukk

>Twilight’s crazy eyes jump between where your claw is pointing and the signature at the bottom

>They slowly de-crazy, but she looks and sounds a little annoyed

>“Oh, that just figures.”

>She lets go of you and levitates the letter to the side

>“Spike, never say that word. It’s rude, uncivilized, and human.”

“What do you mean by ‘human?’”

>“Look, I don’t know exactly what that word means, but it’s…”

>Now she’s going from impatient to realizing she’s forgotten something, then back to annoyance

>“I’m going to go look it up.”

 

 

>She turns around and heads downstairs again

>Might as well follow.

>You’re going down the stairs with her as she does the glowy-clicky thing with the computer

>By the time you’re both at the computer, she’s already read and closed the thingy and turns to you

>“It means ‘to strike or perform lewd acts.’ In other words, it’s human.”

 

>She keeps using that word

>I don’t think it means what she thinks it means

 

>You cross your arms in front of you and try to look upset

“Twilight, what do you think of the humans we’re living with?”

>“What? Oh, I’m fine with them! I meant humans in general. Between you and me, I think we might have gotten lucky.”

“Put the internet thing up again.”

>“Why?”

“I’m going to show you why I think humans are good.”

>“Because they make good candy?”

“No, the other reason. Put the internet thing up again.”

>She stares at you like she doesn’t know what to do

>Eventually, she turns back to the computer and puts the internet thingy up

“Go to you tube. Look up the faces of evil intro.”

>She gives you a doubting glance, but doesn’t say anything

“Trust me. I bet you can’t watch fifteen seconds of that movie without changing your mind about what ‘human’ means.”

>Twilight continues to internet and finds the video you’re talking about

>She puts her ear-cords in her ears and starts the cartoon

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNpLXo55yfw

(Youtube link: Play the video muted, mah boi. Immersion is what all true 2nd-person stories strive for!)

 

 

 

>It’s hard to gauge her reaction because she’s looking away from you

>At first, it seems like she’s confused about why she’s being told to watch some cartoon with horrible voice acting and bad animation

>Then the king pops up and says his line

>Then she’s just confused

>She rewinds the video a few times, probably to make sure she heard it right

>You wait for her to stop, but she doesn’t

>She doesn’t get that “Peace is what all true warriors strive for,” it seems

 

>Betcha two bits that she’s overthinking it.

>We don’t have any bits, and your bits are my bits

>I’m betting imaginary bits. Let’s head upstairs and see how long it takes for her to stop.

 

>You head back to your videogame

>Blah blah blah, give glow animal thing to buffalo-lady, jump into magic pool

>Banjo and Kazooie are now a mighty T-rex

>A mighty baby T-rex

 

 

>What a rip off.

>Maybe it can bite things really hard

>Try pressing the attack button

>Good idea.

>…Nothing’s happening.

>Let’s check the strategy guide and see if there’s a reason for that

>Reading, reading, more reading

>Ooh! There’s a way to transform Kazooie into a dragon but keep Banjo normal. We should do that later. What do we do with this baby dinosaur?

>We need to go talk to this family of dinosaurs here and then go to this door

>Alright, easy enough.

>You duck and weave the baby T-rex around the dinosaurs that are jerks to find the dinosaurs that aren’t jerks

>Inside their cave, you try talking to each one and eventually find the one that gives you the special ability

>It’s roaring

>Just roaring? That’s it? I want an ATTACK when I press the attack button. I’m gonna press the attack button right now. This roar had better do something awesome.

 

>“Rawr.”

 

>That can’t be right. All the other transformo-huts made them into something that could fight somehow. I’m gonna try again.

 

>“Rawr.”

 

>This is such a rip off. I wanted to play as a big dinosaur and stomp on stuff like we could with that statue guy in the first level.

>Maybe it’ll bite if you hold down the button, like “raaaawr-*chomp*”

>Good idea. I hope it does.

 

>“Raaaaawr.”

 

>We’re still holding the button down, and there’s no chomp. This is the biggest rip off ever.

>Wait, there was one of those skull-magician magic casting spots outside the hut

>His magic ability in this level is to make things big

 

 

>Maybe we can make the hut and pool bigger to make it transform them into a bigger dinosaur

>Very good idea!

>Let’s explore the level like this, first

>I don’t like that idea as much as the last two ideas.

>We’re doing it anyway

>It’ll be something to do while Jake’s out getting dinner

>You hear the shower stop and Jake comes out a little bit after that

>He’s wearing dry clothes

>You still don’t know when humans do or don’t wear clothes

>Wearing them into the shower might save time

>Wash self, wash clothes, save water and soap

>He goes into his room before you can ask him about balls of meat

>Actually, I think he might have told us about those earlier

>You know, in the Mario cartoon where he says “Now I know how a meatball feels”

>Oh right. Nevermind.

>Bla blah blah exploring

>Here’s a door with a picture of a dinosaur on it. Let’s read the sign next to it.

>‘short, short, long, short, long, long’

>What does that mean?

>The only short and long things I can think of are the roars

>Try rawring and raaaawring that pattern

 

>Twilight’s done with being confused by the thing you showed to her

>You can hear her coming up the stairs

>She stops behind you and watches you try to get the code right

>Usually she’s not interested, but she is this time

>“Did you just make that dinosaur speak in Morse code?”

“No, I made it speak in dinosaur.”

>“I mean the combination of long and short roars sounded like this code that Jon’s teaching me. I could have sworn it said ‘FM’ just then.”

 

 

>No clue what she’s talking about. You?

>Same here

>Let’s ask her what she wants

 

“Did you want me to send a reply to Shining?”

>“No, it was that video you had me watch. It… I’m trying to reconcile this with their history and modern behavior. They want peace, and they’d fight for peace, but they don’t have it. I don’t get it. What’s keeping them from at least scaling back on all this war?”

 

>Hey ‘smart side.’ You owe me bits.

>I never accepted the bet

>Darn.

 

“I don’t know. Point is that humans want the same things as us.”

>“I know they want the same thing. This isn’t the first time their media has referenced a desire for peace, but it’s the first time I’ve heard them say they’d fight for peace. If they want it that bad, why-”

>“Aw ffff-”

>Jake starts saying something from inside his room

>He seems to realize he’s saying it a lot louder than he’s supposed to

>“-fffudge brownies. My shoelace broke.”

>Twilight makes the sort of face that says “hmm…” without actually saying “hmm…” and then turns towards Jake’s door

>“I’ve got a spell that could fix that.”

>There’s a long pause before Jake responds

>“…Whatever, come do it. I can’t find my sandals and there’s no way I’m leaving the house wearing Crocs. I’d get blisters AND look tacky.”

>She trots into his room with a strange smile on her face

>“I learned this from Rarity. Spike’s told you all about her, I’m sure. This is going to be a simple cloth-mending spell… no, no, leave the shoe on.”

 

 

>She leans forward to cast the spell

>Her horn is just out of view behind the doorframe, but you can see the light it’s making

>Twilight’s body language makes it seem like she’s straining to cast an easy spell

>Jake continues to be uncomfortable

>“Is this another test? You’re sure this is safe, right? I can’t go outside if my foot is fused to my shoe, and…”

>Jake stops for some reason

>He starts speaking again, just loud enough for you to hear

>“Twilight, your magic is going halfway up my thigh.”

>“And?”

>“I don’t feel afraid.”

>The glow of magic stops as she leans back upright and into view

>She’s smiling so wide that Jake can probably see her tonsils

>Just as quickly as she came back into view, she jumps further into the room

>You can’t see either of them

>Twilight sure sounds excited

>“RUB MY BELLY AND TELL ME I’M A SMART P0NY!”

>“…You’re a smart p0ny.”

>There’s an uncomfortable silence

>Jake grumbles something and speaks with fake enthusiasm

>“Twilight Sparkle is the smartest p0ny I’ve ever met!”

>“Eeheehee! It’s true!”

>Twi giggles at the fake compliments showered on her for the next three minutes, then Jake says something about feeling Twilight’s stomach rumbling and leaves the room without her

>He comes up to you and whispers

>“Is she usually this… physical?”

“Not usually. Why? What happened?”

 

 

>“She tackled me and forced me to give her bellyrubs.”

>You raise a brow in confusion

“Is that a bad thing?”

>“No, it’s just… it caught me off guard, is all. What’s gotten into her?”

>Your brow sags back into position

“She just made a breakthrough in her favorite area of science. She’ll probably be normal again by the time you come back.”

>“Is she ever ‘normal?’ How do we get her to be ‘normal?’”

“She has to be in juuust the right mood. She needs to feel like she’s accomplishing something good and doing something smart, but not too much or she’ll get all excited.”

>“No, I mean like she's having me touch her a lot. Why would she do that?”

“Beats me. She always gets excited like this if she's accomplishing something really important, though.”

>“She just did something big, I guess. Hey, Twilight!”

>You hear a coy reply from within Jake’s room

>“Yyyes?”

>“Why did want me to rub your belly?”

>“Because your hands feel good!”