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LD Chapter 5: Nothing Glorious (2 parts as of 8/15)

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Part 1
>Wednesday, May 15th, 9:19 am
>Day ‘problem solving’ on Earth
>You are Spike
>Jake is okay, but Twilight doesn’t seem to think that because she doesn’t see much of him
>She’s also upset with Jon because of rabbits, but there’s not much you can do there
>It seems like it's sorting itself out anyway
>She's coming around to thinking Jon is fine again
>The way to convince Twilight Jake’s fine is to make them be together
>They do stuff together, they talk, they figure out they have stuff in common, and then Twilight will stop being such a shut-in
>The logic is flawless
>This plan is totally going to work
>Jon already had his turn watching that show about bicycles that ran last week around bedtime, so we won’t even miss the TV as much
>I got this all figured out
>Who said you could handle the social stuff?
>It’s my turn to bask in my glory
>Let me have this
>This is going to end in tears.
>I’m open to suggestions if you have better ideas
>Shut up.
>I’ll take that as a no
>You’re a decent way through ‘Banjo Tooie’ by now
>They’ve got an amusement park level
>Twi says that humans are really good at making huge machines
>She tends to dwell on the fact that half of them are for killing each other
>Part of your plan to make her happy is to get her to think about that less
>But if humans are good at building tanks, they must be awesome at making roller coasters
>And they made these games, which is pretty cool too
>You’ve been taking notes the whole time, because now you know you’re supposed to do that sort of thing
>It’s a good game, but that part’s kind of annoying
>You’re not going to quit just because of that
>It’s annoying, sure, but it’s not a deal breaker
>Twilight’s practically looking for deal breakers
>At least that’s what it feels like
>If she was playing this game, she’d probably stop at the very beginning
>To start, the guy who taught you stuff in the last game gets the life sucked out of him to bring back the witch lady that you beat in the last game
>He turns into some sort of ghost thingy with a circle thing over his head, so you have to go fight the green gorilla-looking guy who’s stopping you from chasing after the getaway drill thing being driven by dead-witch and her not-dead sisters
>Then you go through a village of those guys who were hiding around the levels in the last game, and one of the houses was crushed and has a little sign saying that everyone inside died because the getaway drill thing ran over it
>And then you meet king hiding-McPointyface, who gets his life sucked out and becomes a zombie instead of a circle ghost
>After that, you have to explain to the wife and kids of the teacher guy that he’s not going to be home for dinner because he’s sort of dead for the moment
>Then you go to jiggy-head guy and he lets you start playing the real levels
>The first level has a different sort of triangle buildings built by slaves
>Twi said that she found out the ones in Banjo Kazooie actually were built by paid workers, but these Mayan triangle buildings were definitely built by slaves
>Oh, and since the original move-teacher guy is dead for now, he’s been replaced by his brother, which Jake says is “a reference to the Arley Eremy sort of military instructors”
>You don’t know who this “Arley” guy is
>That doesn’t matter, though, because “military instructors” told you all you need to know
>Twilight’s gonna flip out if she sees him, or pretty much anything else except for that one detail about the triangle buildings built by slaves
>What is it with triangles and human slaves, anyway?
>No idea
>Maybe that’s just a ‘thing’ here
>Speaking of human slaves, Jake is putting together Twi’s computer in the basement right now while Twilight ‘supervises’
>Prior to the daily ‘not finding what’s wrong with the Canterlot Computer’ routine with Jon, this is the most open spot in Twilight’s schedule at the moment
>Jake would like to sleep in during that time, and you can’t blame him
>He’s been getting kind of angry at her for bugging him to get that done
>Mostly because he can’t tell what she’s trying to get across to him
>She’s been keeping him from sleeping and being annoying to him, but he’s starting later than he thought he would and doing it quicker than he said he could
>You can’t tell who’s in the right
>It’s none of your business anyway
>It should just blow over once the computer is ready
>You can hear Jake talking with Twilight and working on the computer through the open basement door
>They’re not saying anything interesting, just distracting you from shooting eggs at the patches on the inflatable dragon guy who’s the boss in this level
>The dive attack in the last game was hard to aim, but now that you’re shooting eggs and flying at the same time it’s gotten sort of complicated
>You don’t feel like getting up to close the door, so you’re paused and eavesdropping again
>“Do you really have no questions, Twilight? Or is it that you just can’t stand me?”
>“You’re fine. I’ve got plenty of questions, and that’s the problem.”
>“So solve the problem and ask me.”
>“The solution is the problem. There aren’t answers to questions like ‘why do humans think that Phoenix feathers contain OMCM, and how would a human conduct magical energy they don’t have through something that’s not part of their body?’ And for that matter, what sort of word is ‘muggle?’ The human concept of magic is absolute nonsense! I don’t think I can stand to read any more of this because so much of it is blatantly, distractingly wrong!”
>She must be reading that book about Harry pot-person
>“Don’t blame us for not understanding something we thought was fake.”
>“Nopony’s blaming anyone. I’m calling it like it is, and it doesn’t make sense!”
>“You’re being obnoxious.”
>“Is it wrong to criticize something that has faults?”
>“No, but you are criticizing something that isn't our fault. Give it a rest!”
>“Are you still upset about Monday?”
>“You could have waited until morning to ask me about the one aspect of the movie you decided to tunnel vision onto.”
>“I did not ‘tunnel vision’ on the toy soldiers.”
>“It’s the only thing you asked about from all three of the movies you’ve watched.”
>“I’m studying your society and inferring what I can from the movies. Most of it’s the same, and I’ve picked up on most of the differences already. The toy soldiers were the only thing that stuck out.”
>“So you don’t have toys like that in Equestria? How about chess? Do you play chess?”
>“I don’t want to talk about Equestria. I want to talk about Earth.”
>“Fine. We’ll talk about Earth.”
>They proceed to not talk about anything for thirty seconds
>Jake breaks the silence in a half-grumbling tone
>“I would have expected a lot more questions after you watched Alice in Wonderland.”
>“Actually, I do have two questions about that, but they’re sort of low priority right now.”
>“Spit em’ out. I want to be done with this ASAP.”
>Ooh, he’s getting snappy
>Lucky you paused the game, because you might have to run down there and break this up if you’re going to get “step 1: make Twilight think the humans here are okay” to work
>“Come on, Jake. Why the attitude?”
>“I could ask you the same thing.”
>“Would you please not take this towards petty squabbling?”
>“I won’t if you won’t. Unfortunately, you already did when you pulled me out of bed at 7am today.”
>“I’d prefer to get what I want when I want it. See it from my point of view, would you? Every second I have to wait is another second I don’t get to use the internet to study humans, and you’ve made me wait a month.”
>“You’re one to talk about empathy.”
>“I won’t need to do things that make you grumpy if you don’t break your promises. Deal?”
>“You’ve got a deal, ‘purlplesmart.’”
>“Stop calling me that!”
>“Quit being a taskmaster.”
>“Please, stop calling me that.”
>“That’s better.”
>Now it seems like it’s calming down again
>They’re quiet for a while, then Twilight sheepishly tries to restart the conversation
>“So, uh, about those questions I wanted to ask…”
>Jake still sounds grumpy
>“I’m willing to answer them.”
>“Oh! Good, I was worried that I’d put you in the wrong mood for that.”
>“You did, but that one’s a Pinkie Promise. Something tells me that those are more serious commitments.”
>“And you’d be right. There was this one time my friend, Applejack, made a Pinkie promise to-”
>“Ask the questions.”
>“Alright, alright! So much for breaking the tension.”
>“You set yourself up to fail at that. I’m not in the mood for idle chatter.”
>“You set me up to set you up. Whatever. Was the ‘Queen of Hearts’ character a reference to anything?”
>“I don’t know. French Revolution, maybe. Ask the next one.”
>“I actually thought of another one just now. What was the human who wrote that story on?”
>“Opium.”
>“You’re sure it’s opium?”
>“How much detail did that encyclopedia’s history section have?”
>“It was the bare minimum. On a scale of one to ten, ten being the most, how sure are you that it was opium?”
>“Nine and a half. It was in Britain in the 19th century.”
>“Well, I haven’t been presented with anything that depicts that culture.”
>“I told you that list wasn’t done. I wanted to put some Charles Dickens on there, but you wanted it when you wanted it.”
>Now Twilight is getting impatient, too
>“You also told me you’d have this computer ready sooner.”
>“Now who’s dwelling on the past?”
>“You started this.”
>“You’re the one perpetuating it. Why? Do you hate me, or something?”
>“Expressing hatred towards an individual is a misdemeanor crime in Equestria.”
>“Well then it’s a good thing you’re not in Equestria, because it’s pretty clear that you have a massive prejudice against humans. By the way, that law is the silliest thing I’ve heard of.”
>“Of course you’d think it’s silly; your culture is fueled by hatred and violence!”
>“It’s a shame those words are so bitter.”
>“Why’s that?”
>“You’re going to eat them.”
>“Doubtful. You want to know why I’m perpetuating this little spat we’re having?”
>“Tell me. It should be good for a laugh.”
>You imagine that they’re pretty much butting heads down there at this point
>“I could be home before I finish this sentence, and you make me wait a month before you even try to get me independent access to the largest library humans have ever assembled! The Xiezhi Qilin Collective’s best and brightest are going to arrive in Canterlot next week. If they have a way to get me home, I’ve got no time to spare!”
>“You’re getting what you’re paying for. I don’t see you doing anything to make up for the money coming out of my pocket to build this thing, let alone the food and supplies my family buys for you! And who the hell are the ‘zay shee key-lin,’ anyway?”
>“You finish that computer, and I just might get you a book that tells you all about them.”
>“Do I look like one of Pavlov’s dogs to you?! Do you think you can just ring a little bell and I’ll start slobbering for whatever you offer me?”
>“I don’t even know who Pavlov is!”
>“Then we’re even on that level. You know where we’re not even? Favors.”
>There’s a sound that suggests some large, impatient, two-legged creature is stomping up the stairs
>“Hey! Where do you think you’re going?”
>“I just formed a one-man labor union and decided to go on strike. Tough luck, purplesmart.”
>“STOP CALLING ME THAT!”
>You lean over the side of the couch to see Jake walking towards the kitchen
>Well, that was quicker than I thought it would be. Step 1 is a failure.
>Not yet it isn’t
>You got a plan?
>No
>Well sort of, but Twilight won’t like it
>You spring from the couch cushion and make for the basement
>There’s a characteristic red-purple glow coming up the staircase along with a soft, high pitched ringing
>When you finally catch sight of Twilight, she’s sitting on the floor with her nose in a computer case instead of a book
>She’s trying and failing to use her magic on the parts of the computer while muttering to herself
>It looks like she’s doing okay-ish
>She’s not dropping anything, but she doesn’t seem to have the control you’d expect from her
>“C’mon… c’mon, get in there… ‘It’s plug and play! You don’t need me to do it, Twilight! Now leave me alone and let me sleep!’ Not when you don’t let me ‘plug,’ I can’t… Is this even the right slot?”
“Why don’t you ask someone who’d know?”
>Twilight sits up so fast that it throws her mane back and tosses the computer part towards the ceiling
>She barely recovers fast enough to stop it from hitting anything
>It’s almost as if she lost her grip on it for a moment, as if that’s possible
>Pretty sure it’s not, but hey, “this place is weird,” right?
“You okay?”
>“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine! You, uh, you just startled me.”
“Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t sound okay.”
>The proper word for her tone is “dismissive”
>Go join a spelling bee.
>“I’m as fine as I get when I’m stranded away from home and not getting what I need.”
“I was listening to your conversation with Jake. Do you seriously think they’re going to figure out how we got here, let alone how to-”
>The expression on her face freezes your voice in your throat
>It’s mostly blank, except for the eyes
>She’s begging you to stop
>She knows what you’re about to ask her
>She already knows the answer to the question, and she doesn’t want to hear the answer
>You’ll let her have hope, at least for now
“…then again, what do I know about theoretical spellcasting? Still, shouldn’t we try to make our time here something we can say we enjoyed?”
>She returns to her clumsy attempts to put the thingamajig into the whatsit in the computer
>“I’m never going to enjoy it here.”
“Are you going to TRY to enjoy it here?”
>“It’s not going to make any difference if I try. Having control of my magic taken away from me is… it isn’t right.”
“Are you going to let that ruin everything? Do you want to be miserable?”
>“I don’t want to be miserable, but that’s not stopping me from being miserable. It’s like nothing here is the way I want it to be.”
“So go upstairs right now and make something the way you want it to be.”
>“I’m not apologizing to him. This is his fault.”
“It doesn’t sound like he’ll apologize because he thinks this is your fault. One of you has to take the first step.”
>Twilight stops and lays the part on her desk
“Come on. You’re Celestia’s faithful student. Act like it.”
>That was sort of a low blow.
>She needs to be pushed in a new direction
>Judging by her sigh, she’s about to agree
>“If there’s anything humans seem to need, it’s friendship. I’m not sure if it’s truly possible to befriend a human.”
“You were getting along fine with Jon, and I’d say Jake is my friend.”
>She gets up onto her legs
>“I’m sort of sad to see the concept of impossibility go. There was a bit of comfort in it.”
>Her hooves clop softly across the cement floor as she heads for the stairs
>“Then again, I suppose statistical impossibility is statistically impossible.”
>What’s that supposed to mean?
>It’s impossible for the impossible to be impossible
>Therefore it’s possible for impossibility to be impossible, but impossibility is suppos-
>NEVERMIND.
>She’s already upstairs
>You follow to the top of the stairs so you can hear what they’re saying
>As you pass Jake’s room, you hear a weird buzzing coming from inside
>Sounds like a really big bug or something that’s stuck in Jake’s room. Let’s check it out quickly.
>Alright
>Might be a good idea to see if they get along while we’re not there to supervise
>We want this to work naturally, so being overbearing isn’t
>Hold on, it sounds like Jake is reminding Twilight that her head is at perfect punting height
>That’s not good.
>No, now Jon’s saying something and Twilight’s trying to calm them both down
>Problem solved itself. Let’s find this bug.
>…Not seeing any bugs in here. It sounds like it’s coming from that little box thing.
>That’s his phone
>Maybe it’s getting a call
>But phones are supposed to ring, not buzz.
>No, look on its screen
>It’s got little pictures of phones and numbers and letters
>And we’ve been waiting this whole time? Someone’s calling him and he’s busy! We need to pick this up before it stops buzzing!
>Too bad it just stopped
>Oh. That’s too bad. I was hoping we could do something helpful for him, too.
>Alright, let’s go see if anyone’s getting kicked in the head
>Wait, it’s buzzing again! Okay, let’s see… It says ‘Evan.’ Must be the guy calling him. Let’s poke that.
>I’m not sure we should do this
>I don’t think we even need to
>Okay, that did nothing. Let’s try… green phone picture! Poke.
>“Hello?”
>I am a natural with these things.
“H-Hello?”
>“Who is this? Did I call the wrong number?”
“Were you trying to call Jake?”
>“Yeah. Is he there?”
“He’s sort of busy right now…”
>“Could you tell him to call me back?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.”
>“Thanks.”
>Suddenly, the phone goes quiet
>Okay, now on to see how Twi and Jake are doing
>You put the phone back where you found it and
>And Twilight’s passing you in the hallway with an angry look on her face
>She doesn’t even look at you as you slip by her
>Yeah, no
>Not happening
>She’s going to make nice with the Addams whether or not she wants to right now
>You grab her by the tail as she passes you, making her yelp
>Her protests and struggles fall on deaf ears as you drag her back to the kitchen
>She doesn’t bother to use magic or kick at you, so she wants to go back
>It’s just that she doesn’t realize it
>Jake’s at the table eating a late breakfast
>He spots you out of the corner of his eye and chuckles before returning to his food
>It’s not quite as amusing for him when you plop Twilight down on the floor beside him
“The two of you ARE going to get along.”
>Twilight turns her nose up and looks away
>“He threatened me with physical violence. Jon can vouch for that.”
>“I didn’t threaten you. I just stated a fact to make you reconsider hauling me downstairs again. Besides, what do you have to fear from me with that thing sticking out of your head?”
>“Oh, it’s not you I’m afraid of. It’s all of you. Except for Spike here, I have no one.”
>“And you could still throw me through a wall by thinking about it.”
>“Do you really think I would do that?”
>“Is Whitey Bulger going on trial for fewer murders than Patch the Pirate committed?”
>Wait, who?
>Patch or White Bulge
>Patch.
>Most feared pirate of the last 300 years or so
>Not ringing a bell.
>Pipsqueak dressed up as him for Nightmare Night when Luna was back in Ponyville for the first time since she got back from the moon
>Oh yeah…
>Oh, Twilight’s looking sort of nervous right now. We should probably be paying attention to the conversation.
>“I… uhh… can we change the subject?”
>“No.”
>“I’m really not comfortable with this topic…”
>“Why not? Is it because you don’t like the idea that p0nies could do exactly the same things as us? Or maybe it’s because they already have? You say we're so SIMILAR all the time, so it only makes sense.”
>“T-they don’t do it as often...”
>“Do you think p0nies are better than humans?”
>Wow, Jake is really pressing her
>Should we stop him
>I'm not sure that we can.
>“I don’t know how to answer that question…”
>“If you were thinking about saying yes, let me tell you right now that you’re preaching to the choir.”
>“I don’t know what that means.”
>“It means that you’re wasting your time because we agree with you. If you’ve got statistics on your side, show me. I’m not going to argue against numbers. But when you’re a broken record about how human civilization ain’t so civil? Whoop de doo, what do you want the Addams to do about it?! Do you think we don’t know about these problems? Do you think we don’t want them fixed?”
“Jake, please!”
>Never would have counted on him being the one to ruin this
>I would’ve. It’d have to be one of them. Fifty-fifty and all that.
>Where is Jon right now
>Dunno. Probably in his office.
>“No. If she’s going to talk down to us, she needs to be above us first.”
>“I just-”
>“‘You just’ nothing! You don’t complain about us because you want us to improve! You focus on our flaws because you want to feel better about yourself! Why? What’s so wrong with you that you have to tear us down to make up for it?”
>Twilight shifts around uncomfortably
>“It’s kind of complicated…”
>We need to defuse the situation. I think she was already going in this direction, anyway.
“Tell him.”
>“W-well, I’m sort of kicking myself right now for being so mean and exploitative.”
>“It didn’t show.”
>He’s having none of it
>Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea
>No, just give it a second.
>“I… it wasn’t entirely Spike’s idea to have us do more together. It was more of a joint brainstorming between him and me.”
“She’s telling the truth.”
>“And the reason I wanted you to work on the computer while I was there was because I wanted to spend some time with you before I get to work on the Canterlot Computer each day.”
>“You picked the worst possible time.”
>“Sorry. I’m just sort of busy and I didn’t have time to rearrange my schedule for this. I’ll have it fixed by the weekend. Please, let me give friendship another chance.”
>Step one complete
>Step two: ‘have her figure out that humans in general aren’t so bad’ shouldn’t be so hard with what Jake told you about the general theme of the media list
“Now tell him the other thing.”
>“I’m not the best at making friends. I haven’t had much practice. Most of the friends I have are ones that came to me or were introduced by somep0ny else.”
>How much should we have her explain
>We should have her explain enough to be forgiven.
>How much is that
>The more, the better. Let’s play our ace card.
“And this is because…?”
>She gulps
>Here comes her big personal secret and long-time shame
>“I had a very sheltered, privileged childhood, and I’ve been self-schooled for most of my academic career. The only friend I had before I got my cutie mark was my big brother. I want to turn over a new leaf with you, but I’m too occupied with myself to do it right.”
>Jake seems to think this is the funniest thing he’s heard all morning
>Okay, his mood is improved. Now we see if they can stand eachothers’ company.
>“Oh wow. The wizard chose charisma for her dump stat? You are a piece of work.”
>“Umm... does that mean you're not mad at me?”
>“Nevermind, it’s an obscure reference. You know what? I’ll forgive you, but I’ve got some conditions before I come off of my strike.”
>“You can't call me ‘purplesmart.’”
>“That’s off the table. I just want to finish my breakfast and have you stop being such an unbearable misanthrope. You can start by telling me one thing you like about humanity.”
>Twilight was relieved for all of five seconds before Jake put her on the spot again
>She struggles to find the right words
>“I, uhh… humans are…”
>“You’re allowed to say you can’t think of anything.”
>“I’m just trying to find the right wording… umm… perseverant? I mean, having to work around unreliable magic is going to drive me up the wall,”
>That’s just her.
“Doesn’t help that your mark is for magic. I bet Rarity would just find it annoying.”
>She shoots you a glance that silently shouts “NOT NOW” before she continues
>“Sorry about that. Draconic brain structure does that sometimes. What I’m trying to say is that humans have found so many workarounds for not having magic. The simple fact that humans aren’t extinct due to their own actions or lack of magic is in defiance of everything I’d expect. I’ve had to question so many things that I thought were certainties during my time here.”
>“Due to our own actions? You really think we’d fight ourselves to extinction?”
>“P0nies have had two wars in the last millennium compared to… let’s see… there’s the French intervention in Mali, the Korean Peninsula standoff, the ongoing instability and bombings in Iraq… I’ve already exceeded the amount of wars Equestria has participated in and those aren’t even the ones making front-page news. Human history is magnitudes more warlike than anything I’d expect to be sustainable, let alone possible!”
>“We’re not heartless killing machines.”
>“I’m not implying humans are heartless; I’m wondering why humans keep going to war when they clearly realize what sort of impact it has.”
>“There are two famous quotes about the human attitude towards war that I think you should hear. I’m paraphrasing a bit, but they’re something like ‘the only ones who like the concept of war are the ones who never experience it,’ and ‘only dead men have seen the result of war.’”
>“But that doesn’t make sense. The television and radio news is-”
>Let’s intercept that train of thought.
“Twilight…?”
>She sighs
>“Humans probably have a good reason that I just haven’t heard yet and I need to have all the facts before I form an opinion.”
>“So, conversation over breakfast?”
>“I already ate.”
>“I didn’t, and you seem to like giving me an earful about how terrible humans are. So long as you don’t go totally misanthropic on me, I’m willing to listen. You’ve probably got an interesting perspective when I can actually stand to listen to you.”
“Are you two ready to play nice?”
>“If she is.”
>“I am if he is.”
>Seems sincere enough
“Good! I’m going to leave the two of you alone for a minute while I check what Jon’s thinking of doing with the Canterlot Computer today.”
>You start to duck into Jon’s office, then turn around for a second
“If anyone’s kicking anyone in the jaw when I come back out, I’m going to be very disappointed.”
>“I’d probably need to use my wings to get enough height to do that. You don’t have to worry about ME kicking anyone.”
>“I wasn’t serious about that!”
>You tug the doorknob string and pull the door shut behind you
>Jon is at his desk doing whatever
>He was probably here for the whole conversation
>Alright, serious question time. Why didn’t he back us up out there?
“What the heck, man?”
>“Did I do something?”
“No, you didn’t do something! Why did you let Jake shout her down like that?”
>“I agreed with him. I think her tendency to pick and choose facts to focus on is what soured our friendship.”
“Alright, but I still don't like how you just stood there and let it happen.”
>“I’m just speculating, though. She just stopped being talkative around me.”
“You mean she didn’t tell you why?
>“Do you know?”
“It was something to do with how you wanted to kill rabbits.”
>Which we can sympathize with, just a bit.
>“I’ve been trying not to mention that around her. I wonder how she heard that.”
“I dunno. Word gets around, I guess.”
>“I hope she can get over that. It’s not like those things are anything other than pests. Anyway, would you send this to Canterlot for me? I need some information about the conditions there before she and I start work today.”
>He hands you the whatever he was doing on his desk
Professor Root,
Twilight and I are still failing to find any design faults with the Canterlot Computer. It’s encouraging to
hear that Dr. Alryadhyat Alhwa and Ms. Ishirini Peté have come to similar conclusions now that they’re
up to speed as well, as it assures us that we’ve not designed something with a fatal flaw. This leads me
to the next line of investigation I’d like to pursue. Forgive me if this sounds like small talk, but how is the
weather?
Jon Addams
As for some actual small talk, Dr. Isfugel, ihr Name sieht sehr skandinavisch, besonders den Beinamen
"Isfugel." Ich glaube, das bedeutet "ice bird." Twilight ist immer zu erwähnen, wie ähnlich unsere Welten
sind, und das ist führte mich zu fragen ...Sprechen Sie Deutsch?
>Uhh... what?
>Are those words? What’s that little dotted thing over the vowels?
>Heck if I know
>Jon notices your confused expression
>“I thought his name looked like one from a language I know, so I asked him.”
“Ohhhh.”
>Well that kind of explains it even if you can’t understand any of it
>You *fwoosh* the letter and start backing toward the door
“I haven’t heard any scuffling or shouting outside. HOPEFULLY that’s a good thing.”
>“Amen.”
>No idea what that means, but whatever
>Peeking out of the office door, you can see no jaws being kicked or anything to suggest that jaws have been kicked while you were away
>In fact, it looks like a normal conversation where Twilight is giving Jake an earful as he eats
>She’s in the chair next to him
>And she’s talking about…herself?
>Who cares what they’re talking about
>No jaws kicked for a whole minute
>We must’ve done something right
>“…but the thing is that I’m so well studied that I’ve just gotten accustomed to being RIGHT all the time, you know? It’s a very addictive feeling, knowing I’m correct.”
>Jake gives a quick nod and an “mmph” of agreement through a mouthful of cereal
>“And in terms of social issues, I have so much to feel right about. No offense, but all this immoral and self-destructive behavior by humans is turning into a massive source of Equestrian pride and fodder for my already massive ego. I perfected a millennia-old spell and got made into a princess the week before I ended up here. Even though my princess-hood is more of an honorary title, I was feeling pretty good until I somehow ended up in a parallel universe when I was just trying to go home.”
>Jake swallows to reply
>“No group is without its faults, present company and myself included.”
>Sorta snappy, but not that bad
>“I’ll admit that there are a few bits of history that I’d prefer not to remember. The border scuffle that happened a century ago is a huge embarrassment for all involved, and the Mino-Griffonic War was... bloody, to say the least.”
>“What keeps you from having wars?”
>“We can’t let the windigo population get too large. Windigoes are creatures that feed off of conflict and hatred, and create wintry conditions when they’re well fed. If war gets out of hoof, it could become too cold to live.”
>“So that law isn’t that silly after all.”
>“We’re both guilty of cognitive bias.”
>“The first step to fixing a problem is to recognize that there’s a problem. You and I recognize that we have a problem. Trust me when I say that humans know their collective problems well.”
>Not so snappy
>You duck back inside the office and flash a quick “okay” signal to Jon, who’s gone back to his desk to do a different whatever
>He returns the sign before you peek out again
>“Then why not fix them?”
>“It’s too much work. Things are good enough as they are right now.”
>“I don’t get it. There are still all these problems, and I know at least some humans can’t be satisfied with the state of the world!”
>“The people who want change don’t have enough influence to do much of anything, and the people that have enough influence to change things are too invested in the way things are to start rocking the boat.”
>“That’s kind of sad. Scary, too, considering that the boat’s got a radioactive hole under the waterline, and it’s buoyant thanks only to a bilge pump of self-preservation instincts running on a gas tank full of reasonability-grade oil.”
>“We’ll never nuke ourselves. We stared into that chasm decades ago and never forgotten that we decided not to jump in. Besides, that would be a terrible punchline.”
>“Punchline? I don’t follow.”
>“I love looking at the world through the perspective of dark humor. Justice systems used to perpetrate injustices, police which aren’t obliged to protect nor serve, and nationalism for countries that aren’t the least bit exceptional, just to name a few. You’d need a drill and dynamite to get through irony that thick.”
>“Ah, right. I wasn’t considering that. Dark comedy is really niche in Equestria.”
>“From what I can tell, there’s not too much material to work with. One pirate and two wars? That’s nothing!”
>He puts his spoon down and turns in his chair to face Twilight
>“Here? The jokes write themselves. Being a human means you could get born into a country where you’ve got no hope of education or life beyond subsistence. The moment you’re old enough to be taught how to use a gun, you could get drawn into a war you don’t understand against people with weapons you can’t hope to comprehend, let alone defend against. Those people might have been taking video of you, too. Not that you’d know what that is. And maybe they’d put that video on the internet. Not that you’d know what that is. That video could be viewed by millions of people you didn’t know existed, and a significant portion of them would take pride in the fact that their military spent more money killing someone than that person ever made in their life. Now THAT is a practical joke.”
>Sweet Celestia, step two is gonna be HARD
>No thanks to him.
>Give him credit, though
>At least he’s not hiding things from her to make her happy
>“I… that… you scare me.”
>“You’re not the first person to tell me that.”
>“Earth scares me.”
>“I couldn’t agree more. It’s horrifying, and that’s why I can’t help but laugh!”
>Jake goes back to chomping down his cereal
>Twilight’s expression suddenly becomes vacant, looking away from Jake to stare at nothing in particular
>You can barely make out what she whispers to herself as Jake swallows another mouthful of his breakfast
>“…giggle at the ghostly…”
>Jake noticed, but it seems like he didn’t hear it as clearly as you did
>He turns back and asks her “Did you say something?” through a mouthful of cereal, bringing her back to the moment
>“No, it’s nothing.”
>He swallows
>“I heard you say something. Something isn’t nothing.”
>“I just remembered something a friend of mine said. Sang, rather.”
>“Sang?”
>“There was this one time that she just sort of burst into song out of nowhere. It was vaguely appropriate for the situation, sure, but I still can’t believe she went from speaking normally to Manehattan Musical Theater in the middle of a conversation.”
>*BuuuuuRP*
>Your cover’s just been blown by the most essential service you provide
>Welp
>The non-royal scroll is addressed to Twilight, who’s leaning around the table to see where the sound came from
>Her eyes settle on you as you pick up the scroll and push through the door
“Letter for Twilight.”
>It floats out of your claw and over the table, unrolling as it goes
>Since there’s no point in leaving them alone if they know you’re watching, you head into the kitchen
>Twilight’s hovering the letter in front of herself with perfect control
>It probably is really annoying to have her ability to make things happen be unreliable, but she's making too big of a deal out of what's essentially a cramp.
>You can kind of see her face from your position behind the chairs, and it seems like the letter is interesting
>Jake’s trying to read the letter over her withers
>She moves to nudge him away, but then thinks better of it
>Something up there is good if she’s willing to share it
>You try hopping to get a glimpse of whatever it is that’s so important
>It doesn’t work very well
“Letmesee letmesee letmes-!”
>Sudden indigestion
>There’s another letter coming
>With a split second to spare, you tilt your chin up just enough to avoid burning anything or anyone or anyp0ny important
>*RüLps*
>Twilight looks at the new letter on the table, then to you
“Sorry about that.”
>“No harm done, but did that belch sound strange to you?”
“I guess? I was too busy paying attention to where it went to pay attention to how it sounded.”
>She lifts the second letter up next to the first and unrolls it
>“…It’s all bull to me. Here.”
>It floats down to you
>“I think it’s for Jon.”
Herr Addams,
Das ist nicht das, was wir nennen es hier und Sie mit einem Dialekt ich nicht bin sehr daran gewöhnt,
aber ja! Es ist sehr überraschend, dass du würdest meine Muttersprache sprechen, aber ich kann nicht
sagen, ich bin erleichtert, nicht mehr zu verwenden, während im Gespräch mit Equestrian eine von einer
anderen Spezies. Wollen wir tauschen Briefe irgendwann?
Der nächste Brief enthält alle aktuellen und zukünftigen Wetterdaten.
Markus Isfugel
“Yeah, it’s got those little things over the vowels. He sent something like this to the griffons’ team lead with an Equestrian message asking about the weather.
>“Show this to Jon. It might say something about the weather plans and records I discussed with him.”
>The door’s still open, so you just saunter on in to find Jon doing yet another whatever
“Hey Jon, you got a reply from the griffon guy.”
>“What did he say?”
“I can’t read it.”
>You toss it up onto the desk
>He snatches it up eagerly, and whatever is in the letter brings a fresh smile to his face
>“Ha! Ich haben ein pen pal!”
“Did he say anything about the weather?”
>“They’ll have it in the next letter.”
“I’ll go let Twi know.”
>Back out of the office again, Twilight is reclining in her chair and Jake is still reading through the letter suspended in the air
>She’s staring at the side of his head, waiting for him to realize she’s only holding the letter up for him
>You briefly make eye contact with her
>Jake continues to stare at the letter, mostly at the bottom and top bits
>She raises her eyebrows and makes a “get a load of this guy” eyeroll before she speaks to him in a deceptively nice tone
>“Are you done reading my personal letter, which was addressed to me?”
>“Huh? Oh. Sorry, the thought didn’t cross my mind.”
>“Gee, you’re almost as bad as I am.”
>The letter levitates towards you
>You pluck it out of the air and read silently
Dear Twilight, AKA Purplesmart, AKA one of Pinkie’s VIP-exclusive best of the best friends,
Hi! Sorry I haven’t written in a while. Business has really picked up now that we’ve got the recipe of
those human candies down. Back to why I’m writing this letter, the M&M knockoffs we made are selling
like hotcakes. Even better than that, Bonnie and I are on a massive royal commission and headed for
Canterlot to help cater to the scientists! We’re gonna be SO RICH! Unfortunately, we’re also going to be
SO BUSY and I’m going to have to leave Ponyville for a while. I might be too busy to write to you, so this
is a little heads up for that. One last thing before I have to stop writing, though: what do you mean you
can’t believe I changed a conversation into a musical? I’ve done that way more than one time. You’ve
done it several times yourself. The way I remember it, you told us about your brother in song, and got
coronated in a big musical number that lasted all day!
Confusedly yours,
Pinkie Pie
P.S. Spike, those Reese’s things were great! Do you know if humans have combined PB and chocolate in any other ways?
P.P.S. O-nay idden-hay essage-may in this letter except for that one. Dashie should be the next one to
start sending you those if I remember the plan correctly.
>Right about now, I’m wishing we’d taken the time to learn Pig-Latum.
>Well, we know Dash is going to be sending Twilight something in a letter, so now we can look for it
>If she lets us look at the letters. She seems a little annoyed that Jake did.
>With that though, you decide to roll up the scroll again and lean against the stove so you can stay and watch the conversation
>“Well, since you did read MY letter, we might as well use this as a jumping-off point for a bit of talking about us.”
>And she just turned a negative into a positive
>Good work, Twi
>Sort of a quick turnaround from trying to be miserable to forgiving humans of everything, don’t you think?
>She wanted to do this
>I bet it was all a show she was putting on
>“Us, as in ‘you and me’ us, or do you mean us as individuals?”
“Individually. You’re probably wondering who that letter was from and whether or not I actually got coroneted in a musical.”
>“What I’m wondering about first is why Pinkie called you purplesmart.”
>“I have no clue. Just don’t call me that. She called me that for the first time just a few minutes before I teleported, and it’s part of the reason I resorted to teleportation in the first place. I would have just walked if she hadn’t started trying to explain some gibberish about the number four when I was running behind schedule.”
>“Oh. I didn’t realize it would be such a sore spot.”
>“I’m not sure how you could have known, but please, just don’t call me that. It reminds me too much of that day I swapped universes and nearly killed myself in the process.”
“So, you got princessed in a musical?”
>“Nope, that’s just Pinkie being Pinkie. I pity her psychiatrist.”
>They’re sort of going off topic here
>Let ‘em. They’re getting along and that’s what counts.
>“Why’s that?”
>“Oh, don’t even get me started! I’m half-sure she’s schizophrenic. She acts like she remembers things that didn’t happen, and that’s not the weirdest thing about her; I’m entirely sure she has ESP. That reminds me, are there any accounts of humans with extrasensory abilities, or telepathy, or anything like that?”
>“Only hoaxes and urban legends. But your friend's ESP doesn’t seem all that odd when we’re talking about a world of mythological creatures and magic.”
>“I can see why you’d be confused, but the thing is that she seems to have perception beyond three dimensions and no real explanation for WHY she has that. Even saying it’s somehow magical is a stretch, because there's no way to just KNOW things without sensing them somehow. She has no logical way of knowing that I mentioned how she turned a conversation into a song and dance routine, for example, but there it is.”
>“How does it work?”
>“Usually she just interprets her body’s twitches, but sometimes it seems like she’s able to just KNOW things. I think she can also teleport, even though that’s supposed to be impossible for everyone except the very small subset of unicorns and qilin who can cast the spell properly.”
>“Unicorns and what?”
>You ever notice that Jake seems REALLY interested in Equestria? Like, more than anyone else? What’s up with that?
>I don’t know, and we can’t ask now
>Let’s just stay and supervise
>There are things that smell fishier than a griffon’s kitchen going on here. I know it.
>“Qilin. They’re slim, scaly, cloven-hooved quadrupedal lizards with horns and some hair. Does that ring a bell?”
>I don’t remember hearing about them
>“Not really.”
>Neither does Jake
>“Physically similar to Eastern Serpentine Dragons, but about five feet tall and seven feet from nose to tail?”
>“Still no.”
>“Sometimes known as ‘eastern unicorns?’”
>“Oh, you mean Kirin! Yeah, those are an Asian myth.”
>“And here I was, hoping I’d found something that WASN’T a similarity.”
>“Sorry to disappoint.”
>“Not your fault that human storytellers somehow came up with what I’m guessing is an exact replica of a real creature. They even call themselves kirin, sometimes. Enough about that, though. Pinkie… she’s weird, but she’s the kind of weird you can’t help but love. Throws parties like you wouldn’t believe, too.”
>“What does she do for a living?”
>“She’s a baker. I actually had some of her food with me when I arrived. Now, how about you? What are your friends like?”
“Weren’t you going to talk about yourselves?”
>Twilight turns around in her chair to speak to you
>“The last few years have taught me that friendships are an extension of oneself, in a way. ‘Friendship is Magic,’ after all.”
“True.”
>She turns around again and repeats her question
>“So, who are your friends?”
>“If I’m going to start with my best friend, I’d say Evan. I’ve known him since middle school, which is something like ten years now. Fantastic guy, great to talk to, but he’s a self-admitted idiot and klutz. He’ll put his money in his pocket when he’s got his wallet on him, then asks why his wallet is empty when he goes to pay for something. He drops his phone so often that he has to get a new one every half year or so. He’s lucky his parents are in good jobs and can afford that sort of thing.”
>“What do you talk about with him?”
>“This and that. Current events and philosophy and stuff. He’s into conspiracy theories more than I am, but he doesn’t take any of them seriously. He’s also into comic books and video games, though video games are more my thing and comics are more his thing. He’s also got this really weird sense of humor.”
>“How is it weird?”
>“Well, he’s kept this in-joke going for three or four years now about…”
>Jake leans in to whisper something to Twilight
>She leans away abruptly, everything about her suggesting that she just heard something disturbing and confusing
>“A video game about time traveling what?”
>“Do you really want me to repeat that in front of Spike?”
>“No. Definitely not.”
>I think that’s our cue to go.
>Alright, seems like they might actually have a chance to get along now
>You lean back onto your feet and start walking towards the living room
“You two play nice. The weather reports are going to be coming in a little while. I’m going to go fight Mister Patch while we wait.”
>Twilight wheels around towards you again
>“Hold on a sec… is this ‘Mister Patch’ a pirate?”
>She’s looking for a similarity, or more likely a reason to stop you from playing
>You face back into the kitchen to speak to her
“No, he’s a parade balloon with a bunch of patches.”
>“Oh. Well, why are you fighting him?”
“Well, he’s supposed to be part of a circus attraction or something, but the moment he got inflated he was all like ‘grr I’m a big monster so I get to be a jerk’ so now I’ve got to take his patches off and deflate him.”
>She turns around again
>“Jake?”
>You couldn’t see it, but he was taking this opportunity to get a bit more cereal while the conversation was in a lull
>He gives another “mmph”
>“I just want to be sure he’s not doing things that give him the wrong idea when I’m not watching him.”
“I’ll let you know if that happens.”
>She turns back to you one last time
>“I’m more concerned that you wouldn’t know when it’s happening.”
>Finished with you, she goes back to what you had to drag her into doing just a moment ago, and you turn to leave
>No, wait, we should tell Jake to call Evan first.
>I’m telling you that we don’t need to
>The phone will tell him Evan called
>Okay, I hope you’re right.
#IRCAddamsLocal
Server time 5/15/2013, 17:46
Welcome message: If you’re seeing this, you must have our WEP key or be plugged into the LAN. If you don’t live here, shoo! You saw nothing!
17:46:34@JakeLaptop: How do you like your computer? I assume you’re pleased with it, since you’ve been using it nonstop since you gave up on finding the problem with the Canterlot Computer today.
17:46:40@Basement: 3 GB RAM and a 2.7 GHz processor is sort of low-end from what I can gather. It’s more reliable than the Canterlot Computer and is exponentially more powerful, so that’s something. Thanks for getting it done right after breakfast this morning. I ought to apologize formally for being such a rotten egg over the last few weeks, especially when I was prodding you to get this computer ready. I cannot emphasize enough how much I’ve been looking forward to using the internet since I first learned of its potential, so I got a little bit impatient. You do forgive me, right?
17:46:41@JakeLaptop: The hardware is a bit spartan, but I took the liberty of installing some programs on it. Antivirus, this chat program, and a few other things you might need.
17:46:41@Basement: Please tell me ‘spartan’ doesn’t mean what I think it means.
17:46:50@JakeLaptop: Wow. Did you have all that prepared?
17:46:51@Basement: No. I typed it just now.
17:46:53@JakeLaptop: I mean
17:46:59@JakeLaptop: How are you even that fast?
17:47:00@Basement: One hint. “Look ma, no hooves!”
17:47:07@JakeLaptop: I doubt you’re using the hunt and peck method to poke at the keyboard, but you’re probably using your horn.
17:47:09@Basement: Ponies neither hunt nor peck. We don’t need to hunt for food, and we don’t have beaks to peck with.
17:47:15@JakeLaptop: You’re technically 1/3 pegasus, and pegasi have bird wings…
17:47:19@Basement: I still consider myself to be 100% unicorn, but no. I am not a bird. No pony is a bird. Not even pegasi are genetically avian. In all seriousness, though, I’m typing at the speed of thought!
17:47:25@JakeLaptop: Sounds awesome.
17:47:28@Basement: You have no idea! Telekinetic typing is such a rush for me. Keyboards might be designed for hands, but I think that's a limiting factor for human users. All I need to do is see the keyboard, think which key I want pressure on, and it happens!
17:47:34@JakeLaptop: Is that how magic works?
17:47:39@Basement: Sort of. I’m controlling the flow of magic out of my horn in very precise ways to keep the spell going while thinking of exactly what I want to happen. You can see the control to a certain extent in the way that the aura around my horn is shifting. There are limits, of course. I need the right combination of mental image and magic control, and I can’t overextend myself.
17:47:46@JakeLaptop: It’s what you want, when you want it.
17:47:49@Basement: Exactly. “Will plus skill,” as they said in magic kindergarten. On top of that, I’m in the lucky percentage of a percentage that can learn and cast almost any spell. I try to be humble about it.
17:47:52@JakeLaptop: Is this why you were upset at me?
17:47:52@JonDesktop: As interesting as this is, you were supposed to tell her about the internet curfew.
17:48:00@JakeLaptop: Oh, right. We turn the modem off at midnight. We have to do something to make sure you sleep at night.
17:48:05@Basement: Understandable.
17:48:09@JakeLaptop: Sorry to be the one to bring you down from this high. You seemed happy, for once.
17:48:15@JakeLaptop: By the way, google “faith in humanity restored.”
18:06:07@Basement: I take it back. Humans have everything except magic. At least some of them do, given the anecdotal nature of what I’m seeing.
18:06:11@Basement: I’m going to give humans a collective third chance. I’ll try to be objective this time, so please, I’m begging you: don’t mess this up.
Part 2
>Saturday, May 18, 1:06pm
>Year 22 and ‘going to head out and drive friends to Drew’s thing’ on Earth
>You are Jake Addams
>You’ve gone full whitehat
>Okay, 1/4 whitehat because you have about that much confidence that you got everything perfectly right
>And it does need to be perfect
>The run-up to Equestria Girls is getting media attention
>It may not be a blockbuster, but it’s there, and the timing couldn’t be much worse
>You’ve convinced her to start getting her news through the ‘net so she won’t see commercials or reports about how she went to the human world and fell in love with Brad
>Fandom consensus is that the guy with blue hair is named ‘Brad’ until further notice
>Anyway, keyloggers and remote access
>That’s exciting, right?
>It took the better part of a day to get it all working as intended
>In the meantime, you were relying on Jon to keep her busy
>You also warned her off from the seedy side of the internet with a simple user guide and a list of shock sites, timesink sites, and others that she said she’d want to avoid
>Rules #1 and #2 of the internet (“Don’t talk about 4chan,” and “DON’T TALK ABOUT 4CHAN,” respectively) are in effect
>The last thing you want her to see is the /mlp/ Anonymous who’s doing live requests for rule #34 of Twilight as she appears in Equestria Girls
>None of that work could matter because she might have already discovered MLP:FiM
>Saying “friendship is magic” might have been a hint that she’s heard that phrase somewhere, and she might have referenced the ‘Scootaloo = Chicken’ meme that won’t die
>Worse than that, she might have referenced the “>no hooves, 0/10 would not fuck” meme and seen the raunchier side of the fandom
>If so, she’s taking it a lot better than you’d expect
>Unless she explicitly says she knows, you’re keeping her in the dark and pretending NOTHING HAPPENED
>Your desktop is running as a chat server and a proxy for Twilight’s internet connection
>When she wants to see something, she still has to go through you
>If you don’t want a page or an element of a page to load, it won’t
>Most of it’s running on automatic algorithms that will remove things like avatars and images, and it causes false ‘connection reset’ and ‘DNS failure’ errors if strings of text that pertain to the show are found, but ultimate control goes to you
>Plausible deniability is the name of the game
>Give her as many things to blame that aren’t you as you can
>And it seems like she’s flipped her bitch switch to the off position
>Fucking finally
>This might make her less likely to suspect you if you’re actually preventing her from learning of MLP in the first place
>You would have snapped and called her a bitch if she hadn’t apologized
>Even if Spike was in the room and she would have gone on a magic-fueled rampage because of it
>Someone had to get her to stop looking down her nose at humans
>Figuratively speaking
>That expression doesn’t really work on her because her eye sockets are behind most of her nasal cavity
>It's too bad that show doesn't go into more depth about the characters’ childhoods
>That would have been useful
>You could have only guessed at how her upbringing would have made her who she is
>Canterlot’s portrayed as being upscale and luxurious, but the fact that she lived there is barely mentioned anymore
>The fact that she’s also under Celestia’s tutelage also isn’t emphasized very much
>Being the star student of a national leader and sun-goddess must have its perks
>What she wants, when she wants it being one of those perks
>She told you she tries not to exploit it, but getting a simple request denied for no good reason is one of her major peeves because of it
>So this was all your fault
>According to her
>She’s not changing her mind on that one because you already admitted guilt, but she’s trying to forgive you
>It’s a start
>Now you just have to get her to watch the movies, listen to the music, and read the books so she’ll forgive everyone
>Right now she’s too busy trying to figure out what’s wrong with the Canterlot Computer to do that
>She’s reading the books in her spare time, but goddamn does she nag about Harry Potter being an inaccurate portrayal of magic
>Yes, it’s readily apparent that unicorns don’t have to wave their horn around and say “wingardium leviosa”
>Yes, forcing someone to live under the stairs is domestic abuse
>Yes, cave trolls are fictional
>Yes, cave trolls are real in Equestria
>No, Twilight has never seen one in person
>Yes, this means the MLP comics probably aren’t a reliable source of things to avoid mentioning
>No, the show isn’t reliable either because apparently none of the musical numbers happened, and who knows what did happen
>Yes, this makes it a bit easier for you to believe Twilight Sparkle and Spike are real
>Yes, you know pig Latin
>No, you don’t know what Pinkie meant by “no hidden message”
>Yes, this probably means something’s happening in Equestria that makes hiding messages something that needs to be done
>No, you have no idea what’s happening
>No, you didn’t voice that concern
>Yes, Twilight’s not bringing it up either
>Yes, that probably means she wants to deal with it by herself
>No, humans wouldn’t be related to cave trolls if they were real here
>No, there’s no way to know if the vanara biologists are going to want a tissue sample
>No, vanara aren’t part of western mythology
>Yes, it’s probably something she should have thought of earlier
>No, there’s no way to tell if that's going to start a riot
>No, don’t panic
>No, Twilight, please don’t panic
>You did some digging, and apparently vanara and xiezhi are part of Asian Indian mythology
>Xiezhi are lizard-dog things from Chinese mythology which are obsessed with justice, but that’s rather plain compared to vanara
>Vanara are little monkey things from Indian mythology that are capable of shapeshifting to a certain extent
>Their Equestrian version is kind of a mix between Mr. Fantastic from Marvel comics or Dhsalim from Street Fighter and a chameleon
>They’re less capable than their mythical counterparts, which is good because one myth says they can be as large as a mountain if they want to
>Monkey-mountains sound terrifying, and having another Changeling-like race would be pretty confusing
>Twilight did mention Changelings when she was telling you about vanara, fortunately
>Headcanons be damned, you just want to have less opportunities to slip up and talk about something she thinks you wouldn’t know about
>The internet is enough of a risk, but making her happy means giving her what she wants, when she wants it
>A cobbling of spare parts, some drilling to get a CAT5 cable from the router into the basement, and about $150 add up to one satisfied, out of your hair for the next few months alicorn princess
>No word yet from the big two about whether they’re still mad at you for asking how they know they’re cartoon characters
>They were a lot angrier than you would’ve expected for a reply to such an innocent, offhand question
>Even if it was really loaded
>It’s going to be hard to believe them if they accept your apology without explaining why they were so upset
>Was it the “Dear Princess” bit?
>They made a point of saying they don’t want letters addressed to them like that
>That was more force of habit on your part
>If they know about the cartoon somehow, they might know about the friendship reports being at the end of most of season 1’s episodes
>Of course, there’s no way to know until they get a reply to you somehow
>You’ve been trying to get Twilight to bring more books from Equestria
>She hasn’t fallen for it yet
>Speculation is pointless
>For now, work with what’s known
>You know you promised to get going so you could pick Evan up for Drew’s pre-carnival party around now
>And going you shall get
>You shut your laptop to rid yourself of the Bradness that’s overtaken the pony fandom in the last few days and roll off your bed to get your everyday carry items
>Wristwatch, cheapo Swiss Army knife knockoff, wallet, headphones with in-line microphone and phone controls, cellphone and belt holster, a lighter (even though you don’t smoke), and a ‘take 15 minutes before exercising’ anti-asthma aerosol (because your cardio is so bad that it’s almost like you smoked)
>Except for that last item, it feels like an action movie’s “suit up” montage every time
>Oh, and the gift card
>Not forgetting that twice
>Spike, as usual, is on the couch playing the Nintendo
>There’s plenty of time to spare, so you check in on him quickly
>You come up behind the couch and watch for a couple of seconds to get an idea of where he is
>Banjo’s running around a small harbor town, then he jumps into a big pipe that’s coming out of the wall
>‘Jolly Roger Bay,’ then
>After he hops inside, the area’s title appears onscreen
>“Grunty Industries? Is that a level I can’t get to yet, or something?”
“You hit the nail on the head, thigh-high.”
>He leans over backwards, presenting you with his inverted face
>“So when do I get to this one?”
“It’s a couple of levels after Jolly Roger Bay.’ Did you do the thing that makes it so you don’t use your oxygen meter while you’re underwater?”
>“Yeah, I’m just checking around the surface again. I’ve got to say I’m glad Twilight doesn’t watch me play this. Getting to play as the skull shaman guy is pretty cool, but they get so much wrong about how magic works it’d probably send Twi into a five-hour rant.”
“Tell me about it. She’s picking out all the stuff in Harry Potter that’s off, too.”
>He cringes a little when you say “Harry Potter”
>“Ooh… yeah, about that.”
“Something wrong?”
>He pauses the game and turns around so he can look less ridiculous
>“I think that book really offended her.”
“Isn’t she-”
>“No, no, I don’t just mean about the magic being wrong. She said something about how there’s a part where they talk about unicorns being killed for their horns so the bad guy can make himself live forever.”
“Oh.”
>“Yeah, she said she’s not going to read any more.”
“Well, I hope the next book she reads is more to her liking.”
>“She said she’s gonna go back to shaking spears.”
“Alright, good to know. Did she say which play she’s going to read?”
>“I think she said ‘Caesar’ was next.”
>Seriously?
>The one thing you put the list together for, and she’s ignoring it
“Oh for- when is she going to get to ‘Romeo and Juliet,’ already?”
>“I know the plan is to get her to see that humans are all lovey-dovey at heart, but she’s more interested in getting a primer for the movies and stuff. I think she said she read on the internet that the one about Rome has a character from the ‘Caesar’ play in it.”
>That would explain why she was looking up stuff about Rome when she’s up to a totally different part of ‘Traditions and Encounters’ in her history studies
>It doesn’t explain why she was looking up star charts, though
“At least she’s serious about watching the movies with me. Anyway, I’ve got to go pick up one of my friends and I need to apologize to Twilight before I leave.”
>“I’m not sure this is such a good time. She got some pretty bad news today.”
“What was it?”
>“She wanted you to see for yourself. Good luck, zom-butt.”
>Well fuck
>Hopefully she’s not mad about something
>Into the kitchen to make one last stop before you go
>Eliza’s out AGAIN because she’s doing administrative stuff at the weekly farmer’s market, no surprise there
>The door to Jon’s office is closed
>You can hear Twilight and Jon talking inside
>There are several papers taped to the door, one on top of the other
>It seems like they were left for you
>You’ve got time to make an apology and read these, so you oblige
>The first one has some Chinese calligraphy on it
Princess Twilight Sparkle of Ponyville,
It is with deep sorrow that I must inform you of our lack of solutions to your problem. You deserve to
come home to great celebrations of your studies. The world will be a better place for your efforts. I do
not intend to remove all hope. Princess Celestia of Canterlot tells us that we may pursue all methods
which could be used to return you to Equestria. She said unorthodox methods may be used if necessary.
The tone in which she said “unorthodox” gave me much discomfort.
Representative Xiezhi Ma Yu Zhe of Orange Beaches Province
奧蘭治海灘省獬豸代表馬語者
獬豸麒麟集體正義與普遍繁榮
>…Welp, looks like she’s here for the long run
>As soon as you finish thinking “fuck my life,” you realize that you urgently need to get into contact with Celestia
>You can’t keep an entire fandom and brand name under wraps forever
>Right now, you have more urgent things to take care of, like picking up Evan
>The next couple of papers don’t have much on them
Twiley,
Our private messenger just brought the news. I’m so, so sorry. I’m going to Canterlot to be with mom
and dad. I haven’t heard from them yet, but I can only guess how they feel. Cadence can’t come with
because of her royal duties. She’s putting a good act of keeping it together when I’m around, but I think
it’s only an act. Her voice cracks a little whenever I ask how she’s doing. Consider this a letter from both
of us.
Stay strong.
Shining Armor
>That was a personal letter
>Twilight must be really broken up about getting stranded if she’s willing to display that
>That leaves the last letter
>You can’t make out much of it except “To our dearest daughter” because it’s so smudged and tear-stained
>It looks like it might say “the last few years have been eventful” and “you went out with a bang”
>The only legible parts of the signature are “we’ll always love you, no matter where life takes you” and the word “Velvet”
>Another personal letter
>That one was probably from her parents
>None of them expect her to come back
>You fold the letters up and put them on the kitchen table
>Spike may be right
>It might not actually be a good time to apologize to her
>You’re about to leave when the office door slowly swings open
>Nobody is talking inside, and nobody’s there to have opened the door
>Jon leans over his desk and into view
>“Well, how about that. He is there.”
>Twilight struts up to the doorway, looking back at Jon and speaking with a hint of pride in her voice
>“Told you I could see him.”
>Then she turns to you so she can
>JESUS FUCK HER EYES ARE GLOWING
>IT’S GONNA BLOW
>“I saw you reading those letters I left for you. We… well, we’re stuck.”
>She doesn’t seem to notice that you’re not very comfortable with how she’s SPEWING MAGIC FROM HER EYES
>Maybe this is normal
>Maybe
>“I’m not sure if we’ll ever get back. I mean, there might be a chance, but it’s a longshot and the result would probably be worse than staying here.”
>Does she not realize that she’s overcharged with magic?
>Jon’s not doing anything about it
>Alright, roll with it and don't make any sudden movements
“Uh… just out of curiosity, what would that longshot be?”
>“The dark style of magic is much more efficient than conventional magic, but it’s illegal for very good reasons. Dark magic can change its user on a mental and emotional level, and without exception it changes them for the worse. Used extremely sparingly, the results are temporary and negligible. The amount that would be required for a trip between universes would instantly make the caster or casters incoherent and mindlessly aggressive. I’m worried that’s what Celestia was implying.”
“Do you think she’d do it?”
>“Oh heavens, no! She wouldn’t. We value her too much to let her sacrifice herself like that. Besides, I don’t think she’d want to do that just for my sake!”
“You make it sound like it would kill her.”
>“It would. That’s exactly why I told her I’d stay here unless she finds others who would volunteer. Chances are that nop0ny would want to throw their life away like that, so… yeah. I’m not counting on going home anymore.”
>Her absolute calm while talking about Celestia offing herself, coupled with those glowing eyes, is creepy as all fuck
>Even if she’s not about to explode with magic
>How has she not noticed your reaction to all this?
“So it would drain all of her magic and kill her, even though it’s more efficient?”
>“No, she’d live. She’s got more magic than thousands of average unicorns combined. Heck, I might be able to take Spike, myself, and a decent amount of equipment and texts from Earth to Equestria using dark magic and survive if I get my calculations right.”
“I don’t understand. You just said it would kill her.”
>“From a biological standpoint, she’d be perfectly healthy. On a mental level, though, she’d be totally dead. Worse than dead, even, because her body would be a living reminder of what’s lost.”
“What, like a vegetative state?”
>“No, she’d be conscious.”
>This doesn’t make any sense
>Living and dead, there and not
>This conversation could irradiate a cat half of the time
>Fortunately, Jon chimes in for you
>“You’re leaving out an important piece of information.”
>“Oh, right! The human concept of sentience and life is different. Sorry, I’m a little distracted right now.”
“So what’s different about it?”
>This sends her into lecture mode and instantly removes most of the worried tremor from her voice
>“Sentience is a threshold where members of species are, on average, conscious of themself and others to the point that they form a stable, independent civilization which interacts peacefully with other intelligent species.”
“So do humans qualify as sentient?”
>She bites her lip and probably looks to the side
>You can’t be sure because of freaky glowing eyes
>“Humans are sort of a, um…”
>She pauses for a few seconds to find an appropriate word
>“…exceptional case because there aren’t any other intelligent species here. Homo sapiens sapiens did come to the top of the evolutionary pile by eliminating all of its Stone Age competitors, though, so… maybe, sort of, not really, but kind of yes? There’s not exactly a spot on the flowchart for a ‘last species standing makes contact with a new species, but doesn’t kill them’ scenario.”
“Are there any comparable species on your planet?”
>“I’d say diamond dogs. They usually form competing clans and small societies, but peaceful interaction is all but impossible between… no, that’s not a fair comparison. Humans are closer to vanara. There are several dozen sultanates, but where they are and how many there are depends on who’s married to whom, which towns are prospering, and all sorts of other drama. Actually, that’s not a good comparison, either, because they’ll unify when they need to. Maybe the buffalo tribes… no, those are nomadic. That rules out some of the zebras, too…”
>She’s not even looking at you by now, seemingly lost in thought behind her eyelights’ sparkle
>You’re about to check your watch when Jon intervenes again
>“Twilight.”
>“Hmm?
>“You’re rambling.”
>“Oh. The short answer is ‘no.’ As for the concept of life, life is synonymous with the mind. A body can live without a mind, but it’s not truly alive. Likewise, a mind needs a body to inhabit. I’m essentially suffering a biological death every time I teleport, but I’ve never completely died.”
>Twilight has the whole creepy schtick down pat right now and she doesn’t even realize it holy shit
“Wait, you killed yourself to get here?”
>“Only biologically, and only for an instant. Bodies aren’t exactly intended to work when all of their molecules are traveling in a single file line at light-years per second. I’m made of the same material as I was and I have the same mind as I used to, so it’s not like I’m not myself. There was just a teeny-tiny moment when I wasn’t.”
“Uhh… wasn’t what?”
>“I wasn’t. I was nonexistent for a fraction of a second.”
>Twilight's fucking with you
>She must be
“…okay, I guess I understand, but what does all this mean in terms of dark magic?”
>“Mentally, a frequent and/or intense user of dark magic would degrade so much that their personality would be replaced with basic desires and instincts, and their body would grow slightly along with a noticeable darkening of their skin and hair. They would cease to be a person and just be a beast, almost like an Earth animal. No thought, no reason, little to no communication, totally incapable of understanding abstract concepts… functionally, that’s death.”
>So if they can’t think, they’re not alive
“That sort of makes sense…”
>“A famous example of what happens to dark magic users would be King Sombra of the Crystal Empire. I’ll see if I can get a history book that has more detail, but the gist of it is that he was a unicorn who used to be a prince and local governor not long after the foundation of Equestria. He took issue with Celestia and Luna’s rule and declared himself the king of a sovereign empire. They would have been okay with that, but he took it too far.”
“What did he do?”
>“At first it looked like he was just following the example of what’s now the Coltalan Semi-Autonomous Zone, but then he banished all except earth ponies from his ‘empire’ and used dark magic to transform his subjects into living crystalline versions of their former selves. Nop0ny is sure exactly why he did this, but it got Celestia and Luna to intervene. At this point he was so deranged from dark magic use that he made a long speech about 'making a statement' and cast one final spell that made himself and the entire empire disappear. They reappeared last year, and Sombra was… less than cogent, let’s say.”
“So dark magic makes people crazy, and if they’re crazy they’re not people.”
>Screw Loose the dog-pony’s backstory just got a lot darker
>No, bad mind!
>No more headcanons, just care about what you need to know!
>“Not exactly. Sufferers of insanity-related conditions can recover. The only ‘cure’ for chronic dark magic use is death, but fortunately most dark magic users lose the mental capacity for continued magic use and can’t use more magic to harm others. They usually wander off from society. They get a premature funeral, and then a proper burial if they’re found after whatever combination of exposure, starvation, and wildlife does their body in.”
>It looks like there’s sort of a silhouette of something in her eyes
>“Sorry for the grim subject matter, but there’s not really any way to talk about dark magic that isn’t horribly uncomfortable. Teleportation is kind of a weird area of philosophy as well, but, uh… it’s sort of the go-to illustration for the Equestrian concept of life.”
“It doesn’t help that you’re doing this while you’re so charged with magic that it’s literally pouring out of your eye sockets.”
>“Huh? Oh! Oh, sorry, I forgot I left the enchantment in! I didn’t scare you, did I? I can’t really judge humans’ facial expressions like this. It’s like you’re made of a totally non-reflective material. All I can make out is your shape.”
“You actually did scare me a bit.”
>“This is just the visible magical particles spell. I figure if I see humans like this more often I might get over the fact that they look so strange.”
“That’s what’s happening with your eyes?”
>“Yeah. I showed it to you back when I did a lecture on the fundamental energies, remember?”
>Okay, but there’s one problem with that explanation
“Spike said it looked different that time.”
>“That’s probably because I was looking at three humans simultaneously.”
>Oh right, duh
>That explanation holds water and is a lot more appealing than an impending magi-splosion
“So that shadowy figure in your eyes is me?”
>“Yup. The spell is more of an overlay than an actual in-eye projection. There’s usually not enough contrast for an outside viewer to be able to tell what I’m looking at. Usually.”
>You can’t help but notice that your shadow is getting slightly brighter
“It looks like you’re losing contrast.”
>“It does that sometimes. I’m sorry if it made this conversation weirder than it needed to be. I’m just a bit preoccupied right now. I’m not entirely ‘here’ so to speak.”
“Would you please make your eyes stop glowing?”
>“The stored magic in this enchantment should run out soon. Just give it a minute.”
>If it’s harmless, you might as well
“Alright. It still looks really weird, though. Look… uh, Spike told me that you’re not going to read any more Harry Potter. Sorry about that. I forgot that part was in the book.”
>She gives a dismissive hoof-wave, but she sounds nervous again
>“It’s fine. I’m not sure what I was expecting, reading a book about magic from an author who has no experience with magic.”
>It wouldn’t hurt to check if she’s feeling at all like her family does about how she’s stuck
“Are you okay? You sound upset.”
>“I’m fine.”
>That’s a lie if you ever heard one
>Jon leans back into view and mouths “She’s not.”
“I mean, you just got letters from the rescue team and your family about how they don’t expect to see you again…”
>“No. I’m fine. Everything is just fine.”
>The spell is starting to fade off of her eyes
>She’s very obviously on the verge of tears
>It’s too easy to forget that she’s not a cartoon character anymore
>Here she is with all this power, but under it all she’s just a sad, scared girl
>Jon nods towards the door
“I, uh… I have an appointment I need to keep. I have to go.”
>All things considered, Twilight’s keeping a remarkably straight face
>“Yeah… don’t want to be late…”
>Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to check
>You’re in the awkward position of having to stay and comfort her if she starts crying and be late for the time you set with Evan, or getting there on time and making Twilight even more miserable by looking like an indifferent prick
>Jon sees his opening and makes the choice for you
>“Twilight, what do you say we call off the troubleshooting for today? We can do the math for humidity-related corrosion on the other half of the components tomorrow.”
>“I… I have something I wanted to do downstairs, anyway. Let’s stop for today.”
>You give her plenty of space as she slowly trudges past you
>She’s quietly talking to herself, muttering about not making progress
>Once she’s gone, you and your father share a tense moment of silence
“She’s not doing so well.”
>“Neither are we if she has to stay here permanently. You should get going. We’ll deal with this later.”
“Are you sure? I mean, she’s really upset.”
>“I don’t see a reason for her to do anything drastic.”
“If you say so.”
>Turning for the door, you hear Jon speak one last time before you leave
>“There’s supposed to be a drizzle tonight.”
“Thank you.”
>You grab your raincoat and head for your car
>Once you’re in the driver’s seat, you take a few seconds to clear your head
>Breathe in
>Breathe out
>Act like nothing happened
>Just forget it all for the next few hours
>Keep your home life and outdoor life totally separate
>Then you turn the key in the ignition and drive
>Evan’s the kind of guy who lives in a neighborhood of McMansions, but his family only has a two story home
>Not exactly rich, but not exactly middle-class
>He’s got parents in well-paid jobs that can always provide, but he’s actually got a better work ethic than you do
>One of the jokes between you and him is that he’s part of the Jewish conspiracy
>Which makes sense, because, well, he’s full-blooded, practicing Jewish and he loves conspiracy theories
>Not in-your-face orthodox Jewish or massive-nosed caricature Jewish
>Just the “Oh, he’s Jewish? I guess that makes sense. Moving on…” sort of Jewish
>Personally, he’s very detail oriented
>Whether it’s the backstory of the only Imperial Officer Star Wars who’s wearing a white uniform or what color Stalin painted his toenails on the day after the thirtieth anniversary of the October Revolution, he knows it
>Booksmart as he is about Star Wars and Soviet history, he’s a magnificent dumbass sometimes
>Such as right now, when you’re picking him up at his front door
>He’s squatting down to baby-talk to his family’s new puppy, which pulls up the ankles of his pants just enough for you to tell he’s wearing a blue sock on his left foot and a white one on his right foot
>It’s enough to put a little smile on your face, despite the trouble you left at home
>As he hops in the passenger seat, you can’t help but jab at him for his choice of clothing
“Nice footwear.”
>“It’s the new style. It's called ‘I wasn't looking when I pulled these out of the laundry.’”
>He slams the door shut behind himself, buckles in, and you start driving
>“You got the gift card?”
“Right here.”
>You tap on the plastic through your pocket and whip out the item as soon as you come to a stop sign
>He takes it from you as you hand it to him
>“Thanks. Sorry about asking you like that. I didn’t mean to seem needy or anything, it’s just that-”
“No problem. I forgot something, you reminded me, and we needn’t make any more of it. You’re so self-conscious about how Jewish you seem that it’s actually making you act more Jewish.”
>Out into the intersection and onto the main roads
>“At least I’m not my cousin.”
>Oh fuck, THAT guy
“I never could stand him.”
>“Who can? It’s hard to like a guy with the resume of a vending machine distribution manager and the ego of a billionaire. Jesus Christ, it’s almost like he wants people to hate him.”
>Ah, friendship
>The only relationship in which it’s acceptable for two people to make horrible, horrible jokes about eachother
“You can’t say ‘Jesus!’ Doesn’t the Torah have rules about that?”
>“I don’t think so, and you can’t exactly take Moses’ name in vain without standing out. Besides, who swears to him? He’s smalltime compared to big J in terms of cultural influence.”
“Just checkin.’”
>“As opposed to just Chechen. Did you hear about how the Czech embassy’s twitter account got spammed by people who didn’t know the difference between Chechnya and the Czech Republic when they found out the Marathon bombing was done by Chechen Muslims?”
“Two things. One: that pun was terrible. Two: yes, because we talked about it at your birthday.”
>“Oh yeahhhhh… well what about the ‘Crisis Actors’ theory that’s been cropping up?”
“Are we still talking about the bombing?”
>“I guess you haven’t, then. People think that the bombing was all makeup and special effects, and the gub’ment had actors be the people who were ‘hit’ by the ‘explosion.’”
“That’s hilarious! Have they done any real investigation into this or just speculated and shut out anyone who tries to find flaws in the theory like they usually do?”
>“It’s business as usual.”
“Goddamn, for all the whining about non-conspiracists being sheep who never question anything they’re told, the conspiracy theorists are just as bad. The only difference is that they follow a different shepherd.”
>“This is exactly why I can’t take them seriously. All the popular theories about recent stuff have huge loose ends that you can never ask about, but coming to an unreasonable conclusion based on a tiny inconsistency in something ‘mainstream’ is perfectly acceptable. In this case, it’s people. How many people would you have to get to keep quiet to pull that sort of thing off, discounting the use of mind-control and robots of any type?”
“Let me see… twenty dozen victims… hundreds of hospital workers and first responders… I’m coming up with approximately one fuckton of people, give or take.”
>“And they’ve all been quiet for a month now. Hell, the people who R&D’d, piloted, and erased all evidence of the holographic cruise missiles used on 9/11 are still quiet. So are the people who abducted the passengers and created voice synthesizers to impersonate them calling their families from the planes. That’s sort of hard to believe now that the AP’s release of phone records to the government is public knowledge."
>He shifts in his seat a bit so he can gesture and emphasize his point
>“The more people involved, the more likely it is that one of them’s going to stop and say ‘wait, isn’t this wrong?’ or fuck up and leave something incriminating to be found. It’s why a public REX 84 is flawed, too; they can’t brand dissidents convincingly enough as the enemy. A massive roundup of dissidents would only create more dissidents, possibly amongst the ones doing the rounding up.”
>One more prod at him, just because the conversation’s getting a little too serious for what you had to deal with before you left to pick him up and you can’t exactly talk about your life right now
“I’d believe it if your big brother sided with The Big Brother and threw us both into FEMA camps for being in a dissidence-prone demographic. I bet he’d go along with it because he thinks it’s funny.”
>“I always knew he’d join the Marines.”
“You did?”
>“There was this one time the teacher gave him a Mad Lib. He wrote ‘fuck’ for every adjective, verb, noun, and adverb, then wrote ‘fuckasaurus sex’ when it asked him for the name of a dinosaur. He laughed all the way to the principal’s office, no regrets. Genius humor like that can only come from a Jarhead.”
>That IS quite witty
“Heh, you have to admire grunt humor for its simplicity!”
>“Back to my point, though, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a conspiracy to create ridiculous conspiracy theories and distract from the ones that make sense. The Soviets did it after the JFK assassination and they later commented on how it was too easy to get westerners to believe outrageous lies.”
>And there’s Evan’s obsession with obscure Cold War history coming into play
“Why do you always fixate on the Soviets like that?”
>“Why don’t you? They have those fuzzy hats like the one General Ourumov wore in ‘Goldeneye!’”
>You take one hand off the wheel to facepalm, splaying your fingers so you can still see the road
>“You know, the cylindrical one that’s-”
“Oh god, forget I even asked…”
>Gesturing upwards towards nothing in particular, you remove your hand from your face
“Illuminati! Let’s talk about them instead.”
>“If they’re as influential as they’re made out to be, we wouldn’t even know that name, and they definitely wouldn’t go plastering their symbols on our money.”
“True. They’d have to be pretty cocky to wave their conspiracy in our faces.”
>“Yeah, but right under people’s noses is an effective hiding spot if it’s used well. Going back to what you said, I think the good conspiracy theories are the ones that you have to admire for their simplicity, too. Turn on the radio. I bet I can make a believable one right now. No robots, reptoids, or mind control.”
>He leans forward and pushes the volume control in
>A second later, the car is filled with British-accented voices discussing how Africa is having another bad day
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0189p8q
(Audio link: BBC World Service’s program that aired on May 18, 2013. Start the audio at the 44 minute mark. The website says that this link will go dead sometime in 2014, so get it while you can! Or don’t. I’m just suggesting things. It’s not like you actually need to do them.)
>“Hmm… I could use that one, but it’d rely too much on antagonizing the UN. That’s been done to death. Let’s wait for the next story.”
>Minutes later, they’re talking about how Richard Wagner is still controversial in Germany, even at his bicentennial
>“Ooh! THIS is a good one. Wagner’s anti-Semitism is a product of the Catholic Church.”
“You’ve got a beginning and an end. Connect the dots and let’s see if it makes sense.”
>“During the Middle Ages, the Clergy decided that collecting money on loans wasn’t ‘living by the sweat of one’s brow,’ and therefore sinful. This made the economy of Europe stall, because nobody would loan money if they couldn’t make a living of it and still go to heaven. However, there was a loophole. Jews were technically exempt. Jewish Sheol and Christian Hell are two different things, so the Jews ignored the clergy and became the bankers that Europe deserved, but not the ones they needed right now.”
“Alright, Commissioner Gordon, what does that have to do with Wagner?”
>Right on cue, the program shifts to an interview with a German historian
>“As a result of all this, Jewish families got more and more experience and influence in banking, becoming synonymous with banking and wealth. Banking became synonymous with division and the status quo. When the Germanic states wanted to unify and have a national bank for a single German country, Jewish bankers didn’t want to go along with it. It would be a messy operation to integrate all of their banks, and more than a few of them would probably lose their fortunes in the process.”
>The historian on the radio makes a statement about how anti-Semitism was pretty much the popular opinion in the 19th century’s Germanic states
>“And like they said just there on the radio, that’s what everyone at the time was frustrated with, not just Wagner. They wanted change and had to go up against a system that wanted things to stay the same. Through only some fault of its own, the face of that system was the Star of David.”
>He reclines in the passenger seat and crosses his arms in front of him
>“Quid Erat Demonstratus.”
“You got the suffix wrong. It’s ‘demonstratUM.’”
>“Still, it was a convincing theory, right?”
“I guess it makes sense… but how can we be 100% certain this wasn’t just a series of accidents, well intentioned mistakes, and coincidences? Can we confirm there was some Cardinal who thought to himself ‘gee, I bet we can dick over those heretical Jews in a way that’s totally not counterintuitive if we give them loads of money’ or something?”
>“We can’t. Isn’t it exciting, though? It keeps me up at night, wondering if there really are centuries-old secret societies constantly fighting it out in the background and knowing that spy drama is always happening between countries. My theory would definitely make Gavrilo Princip’s life story more interesting.”
“Who?”
>“Second most influential man of the twentieth century. He shot Archduke Ferdinand and started the First World War.”
>He’s bringing up the World Wars?
“Wait a minute… are you trying to say-”
>“You guessed it. In a really roundabout way, the Catholic Church almost prevented the Second Reich and accidentally caused the Third Reich! That’s unless they were genius enough to plan this sort of thing and keep that plan on track for almost a millennium despite countless changes of leadership in the church. Then it was for intentionally turning public opinion against Jews far enough to have someone rise to power on the platform of ‘I’ll kill the Jews.’”
>That’s not fair!
“You said you were coming up with a believable one!”
>“But I did!”
“No you didn’t! Linking it to Hitler is cheating!”
>“Is not!”
“Is too!”
>“I didn’t make him important or like Wagner: he just IS IMPORTANT and liked Wagner. I never said the Catholic Church definitely did this. I’m just saying that it might have happened like that, so I’m not going to convince myself this is the reason it happened until all the other possibilities seem less likely than that one.”
>Neither of you speak for a few seconds
>The radio keeps going, talking about how Hitler did actually like Wagner’s music and opinions
>Well, Evan did have a point until he ruined it
“As balls-to-the-wall crazy as that one got, I have to admit that you had me going for a minute.”
>“Not saying it did happen because of that. I’m just saying it’s exciting to think that it might have.”
“You listen to too much Alex Jones.”
>Evan shuts down the radio
>“His opinions and callers are kind of wack, but the raw information he broadcasts is useful. I like his show for that. Did you hear about Ryan Fogle?”
“As much as it sounds like you made that name up, I did. He got some coverage on NPR.”
>“No relation to Archibald Spoob, the visionary writer behind the ‘Time Traveling Child Molesters’ videogames. The man’s a complete genius. The TTCM series is like Max Payne, Metal Gear Solid, and Watchmen all combined in terms of its attention to detail.”
>This is that in-joke you told Twilight about
>Needless to say, it was Evan’s idea, not yours
>You go along with it because it reminds you of the insane stuff the pedestrians in Grand Theft Auto make small talk about
>Sometimes you even talk about it in public with him just because the “What the fuck did I just overhear?” looks on peoples’ faces are so priceless
“Oh man, I’ve been meaning to get the fifteenth entry to that series for forever!”
>“I won’t spoil it for you, but the twist in the second act is absolutely mind boggling. You should get it. Anyway, Fogle… worst American spy ever?”
“Approaching the Russians and saying ‘I be double agent now, da?’ with a spare passport and a pair of fake mustaches in his pocket just goes to show how hard the sequester is hitting the CIA’s training and Q-branch equivalent.”
>“This year has been so embarrassing for the US. I’m actually starting to lose internet arguments about how the US could get its redemption from all this shame.”
“I doubt it’ll get any better before it gets worse.”
>“The AP phone records leak is just the tip of the iceberg. Mark my words.”
“Marked.”
>Evan looks out the window for a second and gets his bearings
>“Hey, I think we’re going to go by Danilo’s house. Let me call him up and… fuck.”
“I thought you were just friends.”
>He’s rapidly feeling his pockets for something he can’t find
>“No, I forgot my phone! I was going to call him and see if he’s already got a ride to Drew’s thing. Do you have his number in your phone?”
“I don’t think I do. I mean, I only know him through you.”
>“Can I see it and check?”
“Only if you keep both your hands on it and keep the car windows shut.”
>You pull up to a stop light and pop the phone out of your holster for him
>He scrolls through the contacts list for a minute, then gives up and puts the phone in the center console
>“Nope, he’s not here. Damn.”
“Ah well, we can swing by his house and check.”
>“This reminds me, actually. Did that kid I talked to on Wednesday have you call me back? You didn’t get back to me for a few hours.”
>What?
>What is he talking about?
“What kid?”
>He picks the phone up again and goes to your call logs
>You glance over to him as the stop light turns green
>There are two incoming calls from Evan on Wednesday, both around nine in the morning
>One of them was picked up
>All you did was call him back after you saw a ‘missed call’ notification
>“I tried calling twice. Nobody picked up on the first time, but the second time some kid answered me.”
>Spike
>Spike is paving a road to hell
>Everything had been perfect until now, and now they’ve had outside contact with someone who you convinced to watch half of season one
>He might have watched more, but you were commenting on how they rarely reuse pieces of music in MLP seconds before they started reusing a piece of music
>Now you have to make the straightest poker face of your life because Spike’s a fucking idiot
>“He actually sounded kind of familiar, but I couldn’t place it.”
“I think I know who it was”
>“Do I know him?
“It’s one of the neighbors’ kids. There’s one that actually has the same name as you. You know how my mom is with kids: She probably had him over to babysit for a couple of hours and the kid picked up my phone while I wasn’t in the room.”
>That’s half true
>One of the neighbors’ children is named Evan
>“Okay, I just want to be sure that you’re not trying to re-enact level seven of ‘TTCM 8: The Molestification of Levittown.’”
>Deflect suspicion with a joke and change the subject
“Nah, it’s closer to ‘Inter-dimensional Zoophile Squad 3: Consent at all Cost’ level two. Anyway, we’re almost at Dan’s apartment.”
>You pull off of the main road and into the condo complex
>As you approach his condo, you see that his family’s cars aren’t there
>You stop and honk the horn, and after a short delay Dan comes out the door
>He jumps into the backseat and tries to join the conversation
>“Hey Evan, hey Jake. I’m guessing you got my message, E?”
>“Funny thing about that… I actually forgot my phone at home.”
>“You mean you guessed? Wow, thanks for coming to check! I’d be missing the pre-fireworks stuff for this town fair carnival thing if you’d just driven by.”
“Do you think they’re going to do the fireworks tonight? I heard there’s supposed to be a drizzle.”
>“Then it’s that much better that you decided to pick me up. I’d hate to get there and have there be nothing to do.”
>“It’s not like they can’t make a rain date. There’s going to be a heat wave this week.”
>There’s a heat wave of internal rage you’ll unleash as you get home
>For now, keep it separate
>Act like nothing happened, and enjoy an afternoon amongst friends
#IRCAddamsLocal
Server time 5/18/2013, 19:22
19:22:19@ElizaLaptop: Dinner’s served! Fried kale and zucchini over quinoa.
19:22:25@JonDesktop has signed off
19:22:30@Basement: Have you ever had one of those days when five things went wrong for every one thing that went right?
19:22:40@ElizaLaptop: Everyone has.
19:22:50@ElizaLaptop: I’ve seen more than a few happen, and I’ve had several.
19:22:52:@Basement: That’s comforting to know.
19:22:54@Basement: Humans seem socially and psychologically similar enough. Maybe I could find a way to fit in.
19:23:05@ElizaLaptop: I thought I heard you sobbing earlier…
19:23:09@Basement: I’m a hair’s breadth from the worst possible kind of death. All of my friends and family, everyp0ny I knew except for Spike… I’ll never see them again. If I lose Spike, I won’t even hear from them. I’ll be socially dead. Isolated. Alone.
19:23:18@Basement: I heard a report on the radio today about how people inside the Gaza Strip are paying exorbitant fees to have food smuggled in from a restaurant across the border in Egypt. It’s supposed to be very tasty for humans. The Fried Chicken Restaurant of Kentucky, or something along those lines. Couriers are bringing deliveries through tunnels that the militants used to bring supplies for fighting Israel.
19:23:24@Basement: The Gazans wouldn’t starve if that tunnel collapses. It would benefit the Gazan food vendors, but it would be a change for the worse. Those people don’t get comfort food when they need it, and they have to live with something different and arguably less palatable.
19:23:40@ElizaLaptop: I could bring your dinner down to you, if you’d like.
19:23:41@Basement: I’d appreciate that. No need to hurry on my account, though.
19:23:45@Basement: I’ve got all the time in the world.

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Part 1

>Wednesday, May 15th, 9:19 am
>Day ‘problem solving’ on Earth
>You are Spike
>Jake is okay, but Twilight doesn’t seem to think that because she doesn’t see much of him
>She’s also upset with Jon because of rabbits, but there’s not much you can do there
>It seems like it's sorting itself out anyway
>She's coming around to thinking Jon is fine again
>The way to convince Twilight Jake’s fine is to make them be together
>They do stuff together, they talk, they figure out they have stuff in common, and then Twilight will stop being such a shut-in
>The logic is flawless
>This plan is totally going to work
>Jon already had his turn watching that show about bicycles that ran last week around bedtime, so we won’t even miss the TV as much
>I got this all figured out
>Who said you could handle the social stuff?
>It’s my turn to bask in my glory
>Let me have this
>This is going to end in tears.
>I’m open to suggestions if you have better ideas
>Shut up.
>I’ll take that as a no


>You’re a decent way through ‘Banjo Tooie’ by now
>They’ve got an amusement park level
>Twi says that humans are really good at making huge machines
>She tends to dwell on the fact that half of them are for killing each other
>Part of your plan to make her happy is to get her to think about that less
>But if humans are good at building tanks, they must be awesome at making roller coasters
>And they made these games, which is pretty cool too
>You’ve been taking notes the whole time, because now you know you’re supposed to do that sort of thing
>It’s a good game, but that part’s kind of annoying
>You’re not going to quit just because of that
>It’s annoying, sure, but it’s not a deal breaker
>Twilight’s practically looking for deal breakers
>At least that’s what it feels like
>If she was playing this game, she’d probably stop at the very beginning


>To start, the guy who taught you stuff in the last game gets the life sucked out of him to bring back the witch lady that you beat in the last game
>He turns into some sort of ghost thingy with a circle thing over his head, so you have to go fight the green gorilla-looking guy who’s stopping you from chasing after the getaway drill thing being driven by dead-witch and her not-dead sisters
>Then you go through a village of those guys who were hiding around the levels in the last game, and one of the houses was crushed and has a little sign saying that everyone inside died because the getaway drill thing ran over it
>And then you meet king hiding-McPointyface, who gets his life sucked out and becomes a zombie instead of a circle ghost
>After that, you have to explain to the wife and kids of the teacher guy that he’s not going to be home for dinner because he’s sort of dead for the moment
>Then you go to jiggy-head guy and he lets you start playing the real levels
>The first level has a different sort of triangle buildings built by slaves
>Twi said that she found out the ones in Banjo Kazooie actually were built by paid workers, but these Mayan triangle buildings were definitely built by slaves
>Oh, and since the original move-teacher guy is dead for now, he’s been replaced by his brother, which Jake says is “a reference to the Arley Eremy sort of military instructors”


>You don’t know who this “Arley” guy is
>That doesn’t matter, though, because “military instructors” told you all you need to know
>Twilight’s gonna flip out if she sees him, or pretty much anything else except for that one detail about the triangle buildings built by slaves
>What is it with triangles and human slaves, anyway?
>No idea
>Maybe that’s just a ‘thing’ here
>Speaking of human slaves, Jake is putting together Twi’s computer in the basement right now while Twilight ‘supervises’
>Prior to the daily ‘not finding what’s wrong with the Canterlot Computer’ routine with Jon, this is the most open spot in Twilight’s schedule at the moment
>Jake would like to sleep in during that time, and you can’t blame him
>He’s been getting kind of angry at her for bugging him to get that done
>Mostly because he can’t tell what she’s trying to get across to him
>She’s been keeping him from sleeping and being annoying to him, but he’s starting later than he thought he would and doing it quicker than he said he could
>You can’t tell who’s in the right
>It’s none of your business anyway
>It should just blow over once the computer is ready
>You can hear Jake talking with Twilight and working on the computer through the open basement door


>They’re not saying anything interesting, just distracting you from shooting eggs at the patches on the inflatable dragon guy who’s the boss in this level
>The dive attack in the last game was hard to aim, but now that you’re shooting eggs and flying at the same time it’s gotten sort of complicated
>You don’t feel like getting up to close the door, so you’re paused and eavesdropping again
>“Do you really have no questions, Twilight? Or is it that you just can’t stand me?”
>“You’re fine. I’ve got plenty of questions, and that’s the problem.”
>“So solve the problem and ask me.”
>“The solution is the problem. There aren’t answers to questions like ‘why do humans think that Phoenix feathers contain OMCM, and how would a human conduct magical energy they don’t have through something that’s not part of their body?’ And for that matter, what sort of word is ‘muggle?’ The human concept of magic is absolute nonsense! I don’t think I can stand to read any more of this because so much of it is blatantly, distractingly wrong!”
>She must be reading that book about Harry pot-person
>“Don’t blame us for not understanding something we thought was fake.”
>“Nopony’s blaming anyone. I’m calling it like it is, and it doesn’t make sense!”
>“You’re being obnoxious.”
>“Is it wrong to criticize something that has faults?”


>“No, but you are criticizing something that isn't our fault. Give it a rest!”
>“Are you still upset about Monday?”
>“You could have waited until morning to ask me about the one aspect of the movie you decided to tunnel vision onto.”
>“I did not ‘tunnel vision’ on the toy soldiers.”
>“It’s the only thing you asked about from all three of the movies you’ve watched.”
>“I’m studying your society and inferring what I can from the movies. Most of it’s the same, and I’ve picked up on most of the differences already. The toy soldiers were the only thing that stuck out.”
>“So you don’t have toys like that in Equestria? How about chess? Do you play chess?”
>“I don’t want to talk about Equestria. I want to talk about Earth.”
>“Fine. We’ll talk about Earth.”
>They proceed to not talk about anything for thirty seconds
>Jake breaks the silence in a half-grumbling tone
>“I would have expected a lot more questions after you watched Alice in Wonderland.”
>“Actually, I do have two questions about that, but they’re sort of low priority right now.”
>“Spit em’ out. I want to be done with this ASAP.”
>Ooh, he’s getting snappy
>Lucky you paused the game, because you might have to run down there and break this up if you’re going to get “step 1: make Twilight think the humans here are okay” to work
>“Come on, Jake. Why the attitude?”
>“I could ask you the same thing.”


>“Would you please not take this towards petty squabbling?”
>“I won’t if you won’t. Unfortunately, you already did when you pulled me out of bed at 7am today.”
>“I’d prefer to get what I want when I want it. See it from my point of view, would you? Every second I have to wait is another second I don’t get to use the internet to study humans, and you’ve made me wait a month.”
>“You’re one to talk about empathy.”
>“I won’t need to do things that make you grumpy if you don’t break your promises. Deal?”
>“You’ve got a deal, ‘purlplesmart.’”
>“Stop calling me that!”
>“Quit being a taskmaster.”
>“Please, stop calling me that.”
>“That’s better.”
>Now it seems like it’s calming down again
>They’re quiet for a while, then Twilight sheepishly tries to restart the conversation
>“So, uh, about those questions I wanted to ask…”
>Jake still sounds grumpy
>“I’m willing to answer them.”
>“Oh! Good, I was worried that I’d put you in the wrong mood for that.”
>“You did, but that one’s a Pinkie Promise. Something tells me that those are more serious commitments.”
>“And you’d be right. There was this one time my friend, Applejack, made a Pinkie promise to-”
>“Ask the questions.”
>“Alright, alright! So much for breaking the tension.”


>“You set yourself up to fail at that. I’m not in the mood for idle chatter.”
>“You set me up to set you up. Whatever. Was the ‘Queen of Hearts’ character a reference to anything?”
>“I don’t know. French Revolution, maybe. Ask the next one.”
>“I actually thought of another one just now. What was the human who wrote that story on?”
>“Opium.”
>“You’re sure it’s opium?”
>“How much detail did that encyclopedia’s history section have?”
>“It was the bare minimum. On a scale of one to ten, ten being the most, how sure are you that it was opium?”
>“Nine and a half. It was in Britain in the 19th century.”
>“Well, I haven’t been presented with anything that depicts that culture.”
>“I told you that list wasn’t done. I wanted to put some Charles Dickens on there, but you wanted it when you wanted it.”
>Now Twilight is getting impatient, too
>“You also told me you’d have this computer ready sooner.”
>“Now who’s dwelling on the past?”
>“You started this.”
>“You’re the one perpetuating it. Why? Do you hate me, or something?”
>“Expressing hatred towards an individual is a misdemeanor crime in Equestria.”
>“Well then it’s a good thing you’re not in Equestria, because it’s pretty clear that you have a massive prejudice against humans. By the way, that law is the silliest thing I’ve heard of.”
>“Of course you’d think it’s silly; your culture is fueled by hatred and violence!”
>“It’s a shame those words are so bitter.”
>“Why’s that?”
>“You’re going to eat them.”


>“Doubtful. You want to know why I’m perpetuating this little spat we’re having?”
>“Tell me. It should be good for a laugh.”
>You imagine that they’re pretty much butting heads down there at this point
>“I could be home before I finish this sentence, and you make me wait a month before you even try to get me independent access to the largest library humans have ever assembled! The Xiezhi Qilin Collective’s best and brightest are going to arrive in Canterlot next week. If they have a way to get me home, I’ve got no time to spare!”
>“You’re getting what you’re paying for. I don’t see you doing anything to make up for the money coming out of my pocket to build this thing, let alone the food and supplies my family buys for you! And who the hell are the ‘zay shee key-lin,’ anyway?”
>“You finish that computer, and I just might get you a book that tells you all about them.”
>“Do I look like one of Pavlov’s dogs to you?! Do you think you can just ring a little bell and I’ll start slobbering for whatever you offer me?”
>“I don’t even know who Pavlov is!”
>“Then we’re even on that level. You know where we’re not even? Favors.”
>There’s a sound that suggests some large, impatient, two-legged creature is stomping up the stairs
>“Hey! Where do you think you’re going?”
>“I just formed a one-man labor union and decided to go on strike. Tough luck, purplesmart.”
>“STOP CALLING ME THAT!”
>You lean over the side of the couch to see Jake walking towards the kitchen


>Well, that was quicker than I thought it would be. Step 1 is a failure.
>Not yet it isn’t
>You got a plan?
>No
>Well sort of, but Twilight won’t like it
>You spring from the couch cushion and make for the basement
>There’s a characteristic red-purple glow coming up the staircase along with a soft, high pitched ringing
>When you finally catch sight of Twilight, she’s sitting on the floor with her nose in a computer case instead of a book
>She’s trying and failing to use her magic on the parts of the computer while muttering to herself
>It looks like she’s doing okay-ish
>She’s not dropping anything, but she doesn’t seem to have the control you’d expect from her
>“C’mon… c’mon, get in there… ‘It’s plug and play! You don’t need me to do it, Twilight! Now leave me alone and let me sleep!’ Not when you don’t let me ‘plug,’ I can’t… Is this even the right slot?”
“Why don’t you ask someone who’d know?”
>Twilight sits up so fast that it throws her mane back and tosses the computer part towards the ceiling
>She barely recovers fast enough to stop it from hitting anything


>It’s almost as if she lost her grip on it for a moment, as if that’s possible
>Pretty sure it’s not, but hey, “this place is weird,” right?
“You okay?”
>“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine! You, uh, you just startled me.”
“Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t sound okay.”
>The proper word for her tone is “dismissive”
>Go join a spelling bee.
>“I’m as fine as I get when I’m stranded away from home and not getting what I need.”
“I was listening to your conversation with Jake. Do you seriously think they’re going to figure out how we got here, let alone how to-”
>The expression on her face freezes your voice in your throat
>It’s mostly blank, except for the eyes
>She’s begging you to stop
>She knows what you’re about to ask her
>She already knows the answer to the question, and she doesn’t want to hear the answer
>You’ll let her have hope, at least for now
“…then again, what do I know about theoretical spellcasting? Still, shouldn’t we try to make our time here something we can say we enjoyed?”
>She returns to her clumsy attempts to put the thingamajig into the whatsit in the computer
>“I’m never going to enjoy it here.”


“Are you going to TRY to enjoy it here?”
>“It’s not going to make any difference if I try. Having control of my magic taken away from me is… it isn’t right.”
“Are you going to let that ruin everything? Do you want to be miserable?”
>“I don’t want to be miserable, but that’s not stopping me from being miserable. It’s like nothing here is the way I want it to be.”
“So go upstairs right now and make something the way you want it to be.”
>“I’m not apologizing to him. This is his fault.”
“It doesn’t sound like he’ll apologize because he thinks this is your fault. One of you has to take the first step.”
>Twilight stops and lays the part on her desk
“Come on. You’re Celestia’s faithful student. Act like it.”
>That was sort of a low blow.
>She needs to be pushed in a new direction
>Judging by her sigh, she’s about to agree
>“If there’s anything humans seem to need, it’s friendship. I’m not sure if it’s truly possible to befriend a human.”
“You were getting along fine with Jon, and I’d say Jake is my friend.”
>She gets up onto her legs
>“I’m sort of sad to see the concept of impossibility go. There was a bit of comfort in it.”
>Her hooves clop softly across the cement floor as she heads for the stairs
>“Then again, I suppose statistical impossibility is statistically impossible.”
>What’s that supposed to mean?
>It’s impossible for the impossible to be impossible
>Therefore it’s possible for impossibility to be impossible, but impossibility is suppos-
>NEVERMIND.


>She’s already upstairs
>You follow to the top of the stairs so you can hear what they’re saying
>As you pass Jake’s room, you hear a weird buzzing coming from inside
>Sounds like a really big bug or something that’s stuck in Jake’s room. Let’s check it out quickly.
>Alright
>Might be a good idea to see if they get along while we’re not there to supervise
>We want this to work naturally, so being overbearing isn’t
>Hold on, it sounds like Jake is reminding Twilight that her head is at perfect punting height
>That’s not good.
>No, now Jon’s saying something and Twilight’s trying to calm them both down
>Problem solved itself. Let’s find this bug.
>…Not seeing any bugs in here. It sounds like it’s coming from that little box thing.
>That’s his phone
>Maybe it’s getting a call
>But phones are supposed to ring, not buzz.
>No, look on its screen
>It’s got little pictures of phones and numbers and letters
>And we’ve been waiting this whole time? Someone’s calling him and he’s busy! We need to pick this up before it stops buzzing!
>Too bad it just stopped
>Oh. That’s too bad. I was hoping we could do something helpful for him, too.


>Alright, let’s go see if anyone’s getting kicked in the head
>Wait, it’s buzzing again! Okay, let’s see… It says ‘Evan.’ Must be the guy calling him. Let’s poke that.
>I’m not sure we should do this
>I don’t think we even need to
>Okay, that did nothing. Let’s try… green phone picture! Poke.
>“Hello?”
>I am a natural with these things.
“H-Hello?”
>“Who is this? Did I call the wrong number?”
“Were you trying to call Jake?”
>“Yeah. Is he there?”
“He’s sort of busy right now…”
>“Could you tell him to call me back?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.”
>“Thanks.”
>Suddenly, the phone goes quiet
>Okay, now on to see how Twi and Jake are doing
>You put the phone back where you found it and
>And Twilight’s passing you in the hallway with an angry look on her face
>She doesn’t even look at you as you slip by her


>Yeah, no
>Not happening
>She’s going to make nice with the Addams whether or not she wants to right now
>You grab her by the tail as she passes you, making her yelp
>Her protests and struggles fall on deaf ears as you drag her back to the kitchen
>She doesn’t bother to use magic or kick at you, so she wants to go back
>It’s just that she doesn’t realize it
>Jake’s at the table eating a late breakfast
>He spots you out of the corner of his eye and chuckles before returning to his food
>It’s not quite as amusing for him when you plop Twilight down on the floor beside him
“The two of you ARE going to get along.”
>Twilight turns her nose up and looks away
>“He threatened me with physical violence. Jon can vouch for that.”
>“I didn’t threaten you. I just stated a fact to make you reconsider hauling me downstairs again. Besides, what do you have to fear from me with that thing sticking out of your head?”
>“Oh, it’s not you I’m afraid of. It’s all of you. Except for Spike here, I have no one.”
>“And you could still throw me through a wall by thinking about it.”
>“Do you really think I would do that?”
>“Is Whitey Bulger going on trial for fewer murders than Patch the Pirate committed?”


>Wait, who?
>Patch or White Bulge
>Patch.
>Most feared pirate of the last 300 years or so
>Not ringing a bell.
>Pipsqueak dressed up as him for Nightmare Night when Luna was back in Ponyville for the first time since she got back from the moon
>Oh yeah…
>Oh, Twilight’s looking sort of nervous right now. We should probably be paying attention to the conversation.
>“I… uhh… can we change the subject?”
>“No.”
>“I’m really not comfortable with this topic…”
>“Why not? Is it because you don’t like the idea that p0nies could do exactly the same things as us? Or maybe it’s because they already have? You say we're so SIMILAR all the time, so it only makes sense.”
>“T-they don’t do it as often...”
>“Do you think p0nies are better than humans?”
>Wow, Jake is really pressing her
>Should we stop him
>I'm not sure that we can.
>“I don’t know how to answer that question…”
>“If you were thinking about saying yes, let me tell you right now that you’re preaching to the choir.”
>“I don’t know what that means.”
>“It means that you’re wasting your time because we agree with you. If you’ve got statistics on your side, show me. I’m not going to argue against numbers. But when you’re a broken record about how human civilization ain’t so civil? Whoop de doo, what do you want the Addams to do about it?! Do you think we don’t know about these problems? Do you think we don’t want them fixed?”
“Jake, please!”


>Never would have counted on him being the one to ruin this
>I would’ve. It’d have to be one of them. Fifty-fifty and all that.
>Where is Jon right now
>Dunno. Probably in his office.
>“No. If she’s going to talk down to us, she needs to be above us first.”
>“I just-”
>“‘You just’ nothing! You don’t complain about us because you want us to improve! You focus on our flaws because you want to feel better about yourself! Why? What’s so wrong with you that you have to tear us down to make up for it?”
>Twilight shifts around uncomfortably
>“It’s kind of complicated…”
>We need to defuse the situation. I think she was already going in this direction, anyway.
“Tell him.”
>“W-well, I’m sort of kicking myself right now for being so mean and exploitative.”
>“It didn’t show.”
>He’s having none of it
>Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea
>No, just give it a second.
>“I… it wasn’t entirely Spike’s idea to have us do more together. It was more of a joint brainstorming between him and me.”
“She’s telling the truth.”
>“And the reason I wanted you to work on the computer while I was there was because I wanted to spend some time with you before I get to work on the Canterlot Computer each day.”
>“You picked the worst possible time.”
>“Sorry. I’m just sort of busy and I didn’t have time to rearrange my schedule for this. I’ll have it fixed by the weekend. Please, let me give friendship another chance.”


>Step one complete
>Step two: ‘have her figure out that humans in general aren’t so bad’ shouldn’t be so hard with what Jake told you about the general theme of the media list
“Now tell him the other thing.”
>“I’m not the best at making friends. I haven’t had much practice. Most of the friends I have are ones that came to me or were introduced by somep0ny else.”
>How much should we have her explain
>We should have her explain enough to be forgiven.
>How much is that
>The more, the better. Let’s play our ace card.
“And this is because…?”
>She gulps
>Here comes her big personal secret and long-time shame
>“I had a very sheltered, privileged childhood, and I’ve been self-schooled for most of my academic career. The only friend I had before I got my cutie mark was my big brother. I want to turn over a new leaf with you, but I’m too occupied with myself to do it right.”
>Jake seems to think this is the funniest thing he’s heard all morning
>Okay, his mood is improved. Now we see if they can stand eachothers’ company.
>“Oh wow. The wizard chose charisma for her dump stat? You are a piece of work.”


>“Umm... does that mean you're not mad at me?”
>“Nevermind, it’s an obscure reference. You know what? I’ll forgive you, but I’ve got some conditions before I come off of my strike.”
>“You can't call me ‘purplesmart.’”
>“That’s off the table. I just want to finish my breakfast and have you stop being such an unbearable misanthrope. You can start by telling me one thing you like about humanity.”
>Twilight was relieved for all of five seconds before Jake put her on the spot again
>She struggles to find the right words
>“I, uhh… humans are…”
>“You’re allowed to say you can’t think of anything.”
>“I’m just trying to find the right wording… umm… perseverant? I mean, having to work around unreliable magic is going to drive me up the wall,”
>That’s just her.
“Doesn’t help that your mark is for magic. I bet Rarity would just find it annoying.”
>She shoots you a glance that silently shouts “NOT NOW” before she continues
>“Sorry about that. Draconic brain structure does that sometimes. What I’m trying to say is that humans have found so many workarounds for not having magic. The simple fact that humans aren’t extinct due to their own actions or lack of magic is in defiance of everything I’d expect. I’ve had to question so many things that I thought were certainties during my time here.”


>“Due to our own actions? You really think we’d fight ourselves to extinction?”
>“P0nies have had two wars in the last millennium compared to… let’s see… there’s the French intervention in Mali, the Korean Peninsula standoff, the ongoing instability and bombings in Iraq… I’ve already exceeded the amount of wars Equestria has participated in and those aren’t even the ones making front-page news. Human history is magnitudes more warlike than anything I’d expect to be sustainable, let alone possible!”
>“We’re not heartless killing machines.”
>“I’m not implying humans are heartless; I’m wondering why humans keep going to war when they clearly realize what sort of impact it has.”
>“There are two famous quotes about the human attitude towards war that I think you should hear. I’m paraphrasing a bit, but they’re something like ‘the only ones who like the concept of war are the ones who never experience it,’ and ‘only dead men have seen the result of war.’”
>“But that doesn’t make sense. The television and radio news is-”
>Let’s intercept that train of thought.
“Twilight…?”
>She sighs
>“Humans probably have a good reason that I just haven’t heard yet and I need to have all the facts before I form an opinion.”
>“So, conversation over breakfast?”


>“I already ate.”
>“I didn’t, and you seem to like giving me an earful about how terrible humans are. So long as you don’t go totally misanthropic on me, I’m willing to listen. You’ve probably got an interesting perspective when I can actually stand to listen to you.”
“Are you two ready to play nice?”
>“If she is.”
>“I am if he is.”
>Seems sincere enough
“Good! I’m going to leave the two of you alone for a minute while I check what Jon’s thinking of doing with the Canterlot Computer today.”
>You start to duck into Jon’s office, then turn around for a second
“If anyone’s kicking anyone in the jaw when I come back out, I’m going to be very disappointed.”
>“I’d probably need to use my wings to get enough height to do that. You don’t have to worry about ME kicking anyone.”
>“I wasn’t serious about that!”
>You tug the doorknob string and pull the door shut behind you
>Jon is at his desk doing whatever
>He was probably here for the whole conversation
>Alright, serious question time. Why didn’t he back us up out there?
“What the heck, man?”
>“Did I do something?”
“No, you didn’t do something! Why did you let Jake shout her down like that?”


>“I agreed with him. I think her tendency to pick and choose facts to focus on is what soured our friendship.”
“Alright, but I still don't like how you just stood there and let it happen.”
>“I’m just speculating, though. She just stopped being talkative around me.”
“You mean she didn’t tell you why?
>“Do you know?”
“It was something to do with how you wanted to kill rabbits.”
>Which we can sympathize with, just a bit.
>“I’ve been trying not to mention that around her. I wonder how she heard that.”
“I dunno. Word gets around, I guess.”
>“I hope she can get over that. It’s not like those things are anything other than pests. Anyway, would you send this to Canterlot for me? I need some information about the conditions there before she and I start work today.”
>He hands you the whatever he was doing on his desk



Professor Root,

Twilight and I are still failing to find any design faults with the Canterlot Computer. It’s encouraging to
hear that Dr. Alryadhyat Alhwa and Ms. Ishirini Peté have come to similar conclusions now that they’re
up to speed as well, as it assures us that we’ve not designed something with a fatal flaw. This leads me
to the next line of investigation I’d like to pursue. Forgive me if this sounds like small talk, but how is the
weather?

Jon Addams

As for some actual small talk, Dr. Isfugel, ihr Name sieht sehr skandinavisch, besonders den Beinamen
"Isfugel." Ich glaube, das bedeutet "ice bird." Twilight ist immer zu erwähnen, wie ähnlich unsere Welten
sind, und das ist führte mich zu fragen ...Sprechen Sie Deutsch?


>Uhh... what?
>Are those words? What’s that little dotted thing over the vowels?
>Heck if I know
>Jon notices your confused expression
>“I thought his name looked like one from a language I know, so I asked him.”
“Ohhhh.”
>Well that kind of explains it even if you can’t understand any of it
>You *fwoosh* the letter and start backing toward the door


“I haven’t heard any scuffling or shouting outside. HOPEFULLY that’s a good thing.”
>“Amen.”
>No idea what that means, but whatever
>Peeking out of the office door, you can see no jaws being kicked or anything to suggest that jaws have been kicked while you were away
>In fact, it looks like a normal conversation where Twilight is giving Jake an earful as he eats
>She’s in the chair next to him
>And she’s talking about…herself?
>Who cares what they’re talking about
>No jaws kicked for a whole minute
>We must’ve done something right
>“…but the thing is that I’m so well studied that I’ve just gotten accustomed to being RIGHT all the time, you know? It’s a very addictive feeling, knowing I’m correct.”
>Jake gives a quick nod and an “mmph” of agreement through a mouthful of cereal
>“And in terms of social issues, I have so much to feel right about. No offense, but all this immoral and self-destructive behavior by humans is turning into a massive source of Equestrian pride and fodder for my already massive ego. I perfected a millennia-old spell and got made into a princess the week before I ended up here. Even though my princess-hood is more of an honorary title, I was feeling pretty good until I somehow ended up in a parallel universe when I was just trying to go home.”


>Jake swallows to reply
>“No group is without its faults, present company and myself included.”
>Sorta snappy, but not that bad
>“I’ll admit that there are a few bits of history that I’d prefer not to remember. The border scuffle that happened a century ago is a huge embarrassment for all involved, and the Mino-Griffonic War was... bloody, to say the least.”
>“What keeps you from having wars?”
>“We can’t let the windigo population get too large. Windigoes are creatures that feed off of conflict and hatred, and create wintry conditions when they’re well fed. If war gets out of hoof, it could become too cold to live.”
>“So that law isn’t that silly after all.”
>“We’re both guilty of cognitive bias.”
>“The first step to fixing a problem is to recognize that there’s a problem. You and I recognize that we have a problem. Trust me when I say that humans know their collective problems well.”
>Not so snappy
>You duck back inside the office and flash a quick “okay” signal to Jon, who’s gone back to his desk to do a different whatever
>He returns the sign before you peek out again
>“Then why not fix them?”
>“It’s too much work. Things are good enough as they are right now.”


>“I don’t get it. There are still all these problems, and I know at least some humans can’t be satisfied with the state of the world!”
>“The people who want change don’t have enough influence to do much of anything, and the people that have enough influence to change things are too invested in the way things are to start rocking the boat.”
>“That’s kind of sad. Scary, too, considering that the boat’s got a radioactive hole under the waterline, and it’s buoyant thanks only to a bilge pump of self-preservation instincts running on a gas tank full of reasonability-grade oil.”
>“We’ll never nuke ourselves. We stared into that chasm decades ago and never forgotten that we decided not to jump in. Besides, that would be a terrible punchline.”
>“Punchline? I don’t follow.”
>“I love looking at the world through the perspective of dark humor. Justice systems used to perpetrate injustices, police which aren’t obliged to protect nor serve, and nationalism for countries that aren’t the least bit exceptional, just to name a few. You’d need a drill and dynamite to get through irony that thick.”
>“Ah, right. I wasn’t considering that. Dark comedy is really niche in Equestria.”
>“From what I can tell, there’s not too much material to work with. One pirate and two wars? That’s nothing!”
>He puts his spoon down and turns in his chair to face Twilight


>“Here? The jokes write themselves. Being a human means you could get born into a country where you’ve got no hope of education or life beyond subsistence. The moment you’re old enough to be taught how to use a gun, you could get drawn into a war you don’t understand against people with weapons you can’t hope to comprehend, let alone defend against. Those people might have been taking video of you, too. Not that you’d know what that is. And maybe they’d put that video on the internet. Not that you’d know what that is. That video could be viewed by millions of people you didn’t know existed, and a significant portion of them would take pride in the fact that their military spent more money killing someone than that person ever made in their life. Now THAT is a practical joke.”
>Sweet Celestia, step two is gonna be HARD
>No thanks to him.
>Give him credit, though
>At least he’s not hiding things from her to make her happy
>“I… that… you scare me.”
>“You’re not the first person to tell me that.”
>“Earth scares me.”
>“I couldn’t agree more. It’s horrifying, and that’s why I can’t help but laugh!”
>Jake goes back to chomping down his cereal
>Twilight’s expression suddenly becomes vacant, looking away from Jake to stare at nothing in particular


>You can barely make out what she whispers to herself as Jake swallows another mouthful of his breakfast
>“…giggle at the ghostly…”
>Jake noticed, but it seems like he didn’t hear it as clearly as you did
>He turns back and asks her “Did you say something?” through a mouthful of cereal, bringing her back to the moment
>“No, it’s nothing.”
>He swallows
>“I heard you say something. Something isn’t nothing.”
>“I just remembered something a friend of mine said. Sang, rather.”
>“Sang?”
>“There was this one time that she just sort of burst into song out of nowhere. It was vaguely appropriate for the situation, sure, but I still can’t believe she went from speaking normally to Manehattan Musical Theater in the middle of a conversation.”
>*BuuuuuRP*
>Your cover’s just been blown by the most essential service you provide
>Welp
>The non-royal scroll is addressed to Twilight, who’s leaning around the table to see where the sound came from
>Her eyes settle on you as you pick up the scroll and push through the door
“Letter for Twilight.”
>It floats out of your claw and over the table, unrolling as it goes
>Since there’s no point in leaving them alone if they know you’re watching, you head into the kitchen
>Twilight’s hovering the letter in front of herself with perfect control
>It probably is really annoying to have her ability to make things happen be unreliable, but she's making too big of a deal out of what's essentially a cramp.


>You can kind of see her face from your position behind the chairs, and it seems like the letter is interesting
>Jake’s trying to read the letter over her withers
>She moves to nudge him away, but then thinks better of it
>Something up there is good if she’s willing to share it
>You try hopping to get a glimpse of whatever it is that’s so important
>It doesn’t work very well
“Letmesee letmesee letmes-!”
>Sudden indigestion
>There’s another letter coming
>With a split second to spare, you tilt your chin up just enough to avoid burning anything or anyone or anyp0ny important
>*RüLps*
>Twilight looks at the new letter on the table, then to you
“Sorry about that.”
>“No harm done, but did that belch sound strange to you?”
“I guess? I was too busy paying attention to where it went to pay attention to how it sounded.”
>She lifts the second letter up next to the first and unrolls it
>“…It’s all bull to me. Here.”
>It floats down to you
>“I think it’s for Jon.”


Herr Addams,

Das ist nicht das, was wir nennen es hier und Sie mit einem Dialekt ich nicht bin sehr daran gewöhnt,
aber ja! Es ist sehr überraschend, dass du würdest meine Muttersprache sprechen, aber ich kann nicht
sagen, ich bin erleichtert, nicht mehr zu verwenden, während im Gespräch mit Equestrian eine von einer
anderen Spezies. Wollen wir tauschen Briefe irgendwann?

Der nächste Brief enthält alle aktuellen und zukünftigen Wetterdaten.
Markus Isfugel


“Yeah, it’s got those little things over the vowels. He sent something like this to the griffons’ team lead with an Equestrian message asking about the weather.
>“Show this to Jon. It might say something about the weather plans and records I discussed with him.”
>The door’s still open, so you just saunter on in to find Jon doing yet another whatever
“Hey Jon, you got a reply from the griffon guy.”
>“What did he say?”
“I can’t read it.”
>You toss it up onto the desk
>He snatches it up eagerly, and whatever is in the letter brings a fresh smile to his face
>“Ha! Ich haben ein pen pal!”
“Did he say anything about the weather?”
>“They’ll have it in the next letter.”
“I’ll go let Twi know.”
>Back out of the office again, Twilight is reclining in her chair and Jake is still reading through the letter suspended in the air
>She’s staring at the side of his head, waiting for him to realize she’s only holding the letter up for him


>You briefly make eye contact with her
>Jake continues to stare at the letter, mostly at the bottom and top bits
>She raises her eyebrows and makes a “get a load of this guy” eyeroll before she speaks to him in a deceptively nice tone
>“Are you done reading my personal letter, which was addressed to me?”
>“Huh? Oh. Sorry, the thought didn’t cross my mind.”
>“Gee, you’re almost as bad as I am.”
>The letter levitates towards you
>You pluck it out of the air and read silently


Dear Twilight, AKA Purplesmart, AKA one of Pinkie’s VIP-exclusive best of the best friends,

Hi! Sorry I haven’t written in a while. Business has really picked up now that we’ve got the recipe of
those human candies down. Back to why I’m writing this letter, the M&M knockoffs we made are selling
like hotcakes. Even better than that, Bonnie and I are on a massive royal commission and headed for
Canterlot to help cater to the scientists! We’re gonna be SO RICH! Unfortunately, we’re also going to be
SO BUSY and I’m going to have to leave Ponyville for a while. I might be too busy to write to you, so this
is a little heads up for that. One last thing before I have to stop writing, though: what do you mean you
can’t believe I changed a conversation into a musical? I’ve done that way more than one time. You’ve
done it several times yourself. The way I remember it, you told us about your brother in song, and got
coronated in a big musical number that lasted all day!

Confusedly yours,
Pinkie Pie

P.S. Spike, those Reese’s things were great! Do you know if humans have combined PB and chocolate in any other ways?

P.P.S. O-nay idden-hay essage-may in this letter except for that one. Dashie should be the next one to
start sending you those if I remember the plan correctly.


>Right about now, I’m wishing we’d taken the time to learn Pig-Latum.
>Well, we know Dash is going to be sending Twilight something in a letter, so now we can look for it
>If she lets us look at the letters. She seems a little annoyed that Jake did.
>With that though, you decide to roll up the scroll again and lean against the stove so you can stay and watch the conversation
>“Well, since you did read MY letter, we might as well use this as a jumping-off point for a bit of talking about us.”
>And she just turned a negative into a positive
>Good work, Twi
>Sort of a quick turnaround from trying to be miserable to forgiving humans of everything, don’t you think?
>She wanted to do this
>I bet it was all a show she was putting on
>“Us, as in ‘you and me’ us, or do you mean us as individuals?”
“Individually. You’re probably wondering who that letter was from and whether or not I actually got coroneted in a musical.”
>“What I’m wondering about first is why Pinkie called you purplesmart.”
>“I have no clue. Just don’t call me that. She called me that for the first time just a few minutes before I teleported, and it’s part of the reason I resorted to teleportation in the first place. I would have just walked if she hadn’t started trying to explain some gibberish about the number four when I was running behind schedule.”


>“Oh. I didn’t realize it would be such a sore spot.”
>“I’m not sure how you could have known, but please, just don’t call me that. It reminds me too much of that day I swapped universes and nearly killed myself in the process.”
“So, you got princessed in a musical?”
>“Nope, that’s just Pinkie being Pinkie. I pity her psychiatrist.”
>They’re sort of going off topic here
>Let ‘em. They’re getting along and that’s what counts.
>“Why’s that?”
>“Oh, don’t even get me started! I’m half-sure she’s schizophrenic. She acts like she remembers things that didn’t happen, and that’s not the weirdest thing about her; I’m entirely sure she has ESP. That reminds me, are there any accounts of humans with extrasensory abilities, or telepathy, or anything like that?”
>“Only hoaxes and urban legends. But your friend's ESP doesn’t seem all that odd when we’re talking about a world of mythological creatures and magic.”
>“I can see why you’d be confused, but the thing is that she seems to have perception beyond three dimensions and no real explanation for WHY she has that. Even saying it’s somehow magical is a stretch, because there's no way to just KNOW things without sensing them somehow. She has no logical way of knowing that I mentioned how she turned a conversation into a song and dance routine, for example, but there it is.”


>“How does it work?”
>“Usually she just interprets her body’s twitches, but sometimes it seems like she’s able to just KNOW things. I think she can also teleport, even though that’s supposed to be impossible for everyone except the very small subset of unicorns and qilin who can cast the spell properly.”
>“Unicorns and what?”
>You ever notice that Jake seems REALLY interested in Equestria? Like, more than anyone else? What’s up with that?
>I don’t know, and we can’t ask now
>Let’s just stay and supervise
>There are things that smell fishier than a griffon’s kitchen going on here. I know it.
>“Qilin. They’re slim, scaly, cloven-hooved quadrupedal lizards with horns and some hair. Does that ring a bell?”
>I don’t remember hearing about them
>“Not really.”
>Neither does Jake
>“Physically similar to Eastern Serpentine Dragons, but about five feet tall and seven feet from nose to tail?”
>“Still no.”
>“Sometimes known as ‘eastern unicorns?’”
>“Oh, you mean Kirin! Yeah, those are an Asian myth.”
>“And here I was, hoping I’d found something that WASN’T a similarity.”
>“Sorry to disappoint.”


>“Not your fault that human storytellers somehow came up with what I’m guessing is an exact replica of a real creature. They even call themselves kirin, sometimes. Enough about that, though. Pinkie… she’s weird, but she’s the kind of weird you can’t help but love. Throws parties like you wouldn’t believe, too.”
>“What does she do for a living?”
>“She’s a baker. I actually had some of her food with me when I arrived. Now, how about you? What are your friends like?”
“Weren’t you going to talk about yourselves?”
>Twilight turns around in her chair to speak to you
>“The last few years have taught me that friendships are an extension of oneself, in a way. ‘Friendship is Magic,’ after all.”
“True.”
>She turns around again and repeats her question
>“So, who are your friends?”
>“If I’m going to start with my best friend, I’d say Evan. I’ve known him since middle school, which is something like ten years now. Fantastic guy, great to talk to, but he’s a self-admitted idiot and klutz. He’ll put his money in his pocket when he’s got his wallet on him, then asks why his wallet is empty when he goes to pay for something. He drops his phone so often that he has to get a new one every half year or so. He’s lucky his parents are in good jobs and can afford that sort of thing.”
>“What do you talk about with him?”


>“This and that. Current events and philosophy and stuff. He’s into conspiracy theories more than I am, but he doesn’t take any of them seriously. He’s also into comic books and video games, though video games are more my thing and comics are more his thing. He’s also got this really weird sense of humor.”
>“How is it weird?”
>“Well, he’s kept this in-joke going for three or four years now about…”
>Jake leans in to whisper something to Twilight
>She leans away abruptly, everything about her suggesting that she just heard something disturbing and confusing
>“A video game about time traveling what?”
>“Do you really want me to repeat that in front of Spike?”
>“No. Definitely not.”
>I think that’s our cue to go.
>Alright, seems like they might actually have a chance to get along now
>You lean back onto your feet and start walking towards the living room
“You two play nice. The weather reports are going to be coming in a little while. I’m going to go fight Mister Patch while we wait.”
>Twilight wheels around towards you again
>“Hold on a sec… is this ‘Mister Patch’ a pirate?”
>She’s looking for a similarity, or more likely a reason to stop you from playing
>You face back into the kitchen to speak to her
“No, he’s a parade balloon with a bunch of patches.”


>“Oh. Well, why are you fighting him?”
“Well, he’s supposed to be part of a circus attraction or something, but the moment he got inflated he was all like ‘grr I’m a big monster so I get to be a jerk’ so now I’ve got to take his patches off and deflate him.”
>She turns around again
>“Jake?”
>You couldn’t see it, but he was taking this opportunity to get a bit more cereal while the conversation was in a lull
>He gives another “mmph”
>“I just want to be sure he’s not doing things that give him the wrong idea when I’m not watching him.”
“I’ll let you know if that happens.”
>She turns back to you one last time
>“I’m more concerned that you wouldn’t know when it’s happening.”
>Finished with you, she goes back to what you had to drag her into doing just a moment ago, and you turn to leave 
>No, wait, we should tell Jake to call Evan first.
>I’m telling you that we don’t need to
>The phone will tell him Evan called
>Okay, I hope you’re right.



#IRCAddamsLocal
Server time 5/15/2013, 17:46
Welcome message: If you’re seeing this, you must have our WEP key or be plugged into the LAN. If you don’t live here, shoo! You saw nothing!


17:46:34@JakeLaptop: How do you like your computer? I assume you’re pleased with it, since you’ve been using it nonstop since you gave up on finding the problem with the Canterlot Computer today.
17:46:40@Basement: 3 GB RAM and a 2.7 GHz processor is sort of low-end from what I can gather. It’s more reliable than the Canterlot Computer and is exponentially more powerful, so that’s something. Thanks for getting it done right after breakfast this morning. I ought to apologize formally for being such a rotten egg over the last few weeks, especially when I was prodding you to get this computer ready. I cannot emphasize enough how much I’ve been looking forward to using the internet since I first learned of its potential, so I got a little bit impatient. You do forgive me, right?
17:46:41@JakeLaptop: The hardware is a bit spartan, but I took the liberty of installing some programs on it. Antivirus, this chat program, and a few other things you might need.
17:46:41@Basement: Please tell me ‘spartan’ doesn’t mean what I think it means.
17:46:50@JakeLaptop: Wow. Did you have all that prepared?
17:46:51@Basement: No. I typed it just now.
17:46:53@JakeLaptop: I mean
17:46:59@JakeLaptop: How are you even that fast?


17:47:00@Basement: One hint. “Look ma, no hooves!”
17:47:07@JakeLaptop: I doubt you’re using the hunt and peck method to poke at the keyboard, but you’re probably using your horn.
17:47:09@Basement: Ponies neither hunt nor peck. We don’t need to hunt for food, and we don’t have beaks to peck with.
17:47:15@JakeLaptop: You’re technically 1/3 pegasus, and pegasi have bird wings…
17:47:19@Basement: I still consider myself to be 100% unicorn, but no. I am not a bird. No pony is a bird. Not even pegasi are genetically avian. In all seriousness, though, I’m typing at the speed of thought!
17:47:25@JakeLaptop: Sounds awesome.
17:47:28@Basement: You have no idea! Telekinetic typing is such a rush for me. Keyboards might be designed for hands, but I think that's a limiting factor for human users. All I need to do is see the keyboard, think which key I want pressure on, and it happens!
17:47:34@JakeLaptop: Is that how magic works?
17:47:39@Basement: Sort of. I’m controlling the flow of magic out of my horn in very precise ways to keep the spell going while thinking of exactly what I want to happen. You can see the control to a certain extent in the way that the aura around my horn is shifting. There are limits, of course. I need the right combination of mental image and magic control, and I can’t overextend myself.


17:47:46@JakeLaptop: It’s what you want, when you want it.
17:47:49@Basement: Exactly. “Will plus skill,” as they said in magic kindergarten. On top of that, I’m in the lucky percentage of a percentage that can learn and cast almost any spell. I try to be humble about it.
17:47:52@JakeLaptop: Is this why you were upset at me?
17:47:52@JonDesktop: As interesting as this is, you were supposed to tell her about the internet curfew.
17:48:00@JakeLaptop: Oh, right. We turn the modem off at midnight. We have to do something to make sure you sleep at night.
17:48:05@Basement: Understandable.
17:48:09@JakeLaptop: Sorry to be the one to bring you down from this high. You seemed happy, for once.
17:48:15@JakeLaptop: By the way, google “faith in humanity restored.”
18:06:07@Basement: I take it back. Humans have everything except magic. At least some of them do, given the anecdotal nature of what I’m seeing.
18:06:11@Basement: I’m going to give humans a collective third chance. I’ll try to be objective this time, so please, I’m begging you: don’t mess this up.



Part 2
>Saturday, May 18, 1:06pm
>Year 22 and ‘going to head out and drive friends to Drew’s thing’ on Earth
>You are Jake Addams
>You’ve gone full whitehat
>Okay, 1/4 whitehat because you have about that much confidence that you got everything perfectly right
>And it does need to be perfect
>The run-up to Equestria Girls is getting media attention
>It may not be a blockbuster, but it’s there, and the timing couldn’t be much worse
>You’ve convinced her to start getting her news through the ‘net so she won’t see commercials or reports about how she went to the human world and fell in love with Brad
>Fandom consensus is that the guy with blue hair is named ‘Brad’ until further notice
>Anyway, keyloggers and remote access
>That’s exciting, right?
>It took the better part of a day to get it all working as intended
>In the meantime, you were relying on Jon to keep her busy
>You also warned her off from the seedy side of the internet with a simple user guide and a list of shock sites, timesink sites, and others that she said she’d want to avoid
>Rules #1 and #2 of the internet (“Don’t talk about 4chan,” and “DON’T TALK ABOUT 4CHAN,” respectively) are in effect
>The last thing you want her to see is the /mlp/ Anonymous who’s doing live requests for rule #34 of Twilight as she appears in Equestria Girls
>None of that work could matter because she might have already discovered MLP:FiM


>Saying “friendship is magic” might have been a hint that she’s heard that phrase somewhere, and she might have referenced the ‘Scootaloo = Chicken’ meme that won’t die
>Worse than that, she might have referenced the “>no hooves, 0/10 would not fuck” meme and seen the raunchier side of the fandom
>If so, she’s taking it a lot better than you’d expect
>Unless she explicitly says she knows, you’re keeping her in the dark and pretending NOTHING HAPPENED
>Your desktop is running as a chat server and a proxy for Twilight’s internet connection
>When she wants to see something, she still has to go through you
>If you don’t want a page or an element of a page to load, it won’t
>Most of it’s running on automatic algorithms that will remove things like avatars and images, and it causes false ‘connection reset’ and ‘DNS failure’ errors if strings of text that pertain to the show are found, but ultimate control goes to you
>Plausible deniability is the name of the game
>Give her as many things to blame that aren’t you as you can
>And it seems like she’s flipped her bitch switch to the off position
>Fucking finally
>This might make her less likely to suspect you if you’re actually preventing her from learning of MLP in the first place


>You would have snapped and called her a bitch if she hadn’t apologized
>Even if Spike was in the room and she would have gone on a magic-fueled rampage because of it
>Someone had to get her to stop looking down her nose at humans
>Figuratively speaking
>That expression doesn’t really work on her because her eye sockets are behind most of her nasal cavity
>It's too bad that show doesn't go into more depth about the characters’ childhoods
>That would have been useful
>You could have only guessed at how her upbringing would have made her who she is
>Canterlot’s portrayed as being upscale and luxurious, but the fact that she lived there is barely mentioned anymore
>The fact that she’s also under Celestia’s tutelage also isn’t emphasized very much
>Being the star student of a national leader and sun-goddess must have its perks
>What she wants, when she wants it being one of those perks
>She told you she tries not to exploit it, but getting a simple request denied for no good reason is one of her major peeves because of it
>So this was all your fault
>According to her
>She’s not changing her mind on that one because you already admitted guilt, but she’s trying to forgive you
>It’s a start
>Now you just have to get her to watch the movies, listen to the music, and read the books so she’ll forgive everyone
>Right now she’s too busy trying to figure out what’s wrong with the Canterlot Computer to do that


>She’s reading the books in her spare time, but goddamn does she nag about Harry Potter being an inaccurate portrayal of magic
>Yes, it’s readily apparent that unicorns don’t have to wave their horn around and say “wingardium leviosa” 
>Yes, forcing someone to live under the stairs is domestic abuse
>Yes, cave trolls are fictional
>Yes, cave trolls are real in Equestria
>No, Twilight has never seen one in person
>Yes, this means the MLP comics probably aren’t a reliable source of things to avoid mentioning
>No, the show isn’t reliable either because apparently none of the musical numbers happened, and who knows what did happen
>Yes, this makes it a bit easier for you to believe Twilight Sparkle and Spike are real
>Yes, you know pig Latin
>No, you don’t know what Pinkie meant by “no hidden message”
>Yes, this probably means something’s happening in Equestria that makes hiding messages something that needs to be done
>No, you have no idea what’s happening
>No, you didn’t voice that concern
>Yes, Twilight’s not bringing it up either
>Yes, that probably means she wants to deal with it by herself
>No, humans wouldn’t be related to cave trolls if they were real here
>No, there’s no way to know if the vanara biologists are going to want a tissue sample
>No, vanara aren’t part of western mythology
>Yes, it’s probably something she should have thought of earlier
>No, there’s no way to tell if that's going to start a riot
>No, don’t panic
>No, Twilight, please don’t panic


>You did some digging, and apparently vanara and xiezhi are part of Asian Indian mythology
>Xiezhi are lizard-dog things from Chinese mythology which are obsessed with justice, but that’s rather plain compared to vanara
>Vanara are little monkey things from Indian mythology that are capable of shapeshifting to a certain extent
>Their Equestrian version is kind of a mix between Mr. Fantastic from Marvel comics or Dhsalim from Street Fighter and a chameleon
>They’re less capable than their mythical counterparts, which is good because one myth says they can be as large as a mountain if they want to
>Monkey-mountains sound terrifying, and having another Changeling-like race would be pretty confusing
>Twilight did mention Changelings when she was telling you about vanara, fortunately
>Headcanons be damned, you just want to have less opportunities to slip up and talk about something she thinks you wouldn’t know about
>The internet is enough of a risk, but making her happy means giving her what she wants, when she wants it
>A cobbling of spare parts, some drilling to get a CAT5 cable from the router into the basement, and about $150 add up to one satisfied, out of your hair for the next few months alicorn princess
>No word yet from the big two about whether they’re still mad at you for asking how they know they’re cartoon characters


>They were a lot angrier than you would’ve expected for a reply to such an innocent, offhand question
>Even if it was really loaded
>It’s going to be hard to believe them if they accept your apology without explaining why they were so upset
>Was it the “Dear Princess” bit?
>They made a point of saying they don’t want letters addressed to them like that
>That was more force of habit on your part
>If they know about the cartoon somehow, they might know about the friendship reports being at the end of most of season 1’s episodes
>Of course, there’s no way to know until they get a reply to you somehow
>You’ve been trying to get Twilight to bring more books from Equestria
>She hasn’t fallen for it yet
>Speculation is pointless
>For now, work with what’s known
>You know you promised to get going so you could pick Evan up for Drew’s pre-carnival party around now
>And going you shall get
>You shut your laptop to rid yourself of the Bradness that’s overtaken the pony fandom in the last few days and roll off your bed to get your everyday carry items
>Wristwatch, cheapo Swiss Army knife knockoff, wallet, headphones with in-line microphone and phone controls, cellphone and belt holster, a lighter (even though you don’t smoke), and a ‘take 15 minutes before exercising’ anti-asthma aerosol (because your cardio is so bad that it’s almost like you smoked)
>Except for that last item, it feels like an action movie’s “suit up” montage every time


>Oh, and the gift card
>Not forgetting that twice
>Spike, as usual, is on the couch playing the Nintendo
>There’s plenty of time to spare, so you check in on him quickly
>You come up behind the couch and watch for a couple of seconds to get an idea of where he is
>Banjo’s running around a small harbor town, then he jumps into a big pipe that’s coming out of the wall
>‘Jolly Roger Bay,’ then
>After he hops inside, the area’s title appears onscreen
>“Grunty Industries? Is that a level I can’t get to yet, or something?”
“You hit the nail on the head, thigh-high.”
>He leans over backwards, presenting you with his inverted face
>“So when do I get to this one?”
“It’s a couple of levels after Jolly Roger Bay.’ Did you do the thing that makes it so you don’t use your oxygen meter while you’re underwater?”
>“Yeah, I’m just checking around the surface again. I’ve got to say I’m glad Twilight doesn’t watch me play this. Getting to play as the skull shaman guy is pretty cool, but they get so much wrong about how magic works it’d probably send Twi into a five-hour rant.”
“Tell me about it. She’s picking out all the stuff in Harry Potter that’s off, too.”
>He cringes a little when you say “Harry Potter”
>“Ooh… yeah, about that.”
“Something wrong?”
>He pauses the game and turns around so he can look less ridiculous


>“I think that book really offended her.”
“Isn’t she-”
>“No, no, I don’t just mean about the magic being wrong. She said something about how there’s a part where they talk about unicorns being killed for their horns so the bad guy can make himself live forever.”
“Oh.”
>“Yeah, she said she’s not going to read any more.”
“Well, I hope the next book she reads is more to her liking.”
>“She said she’s gonna go back to shaking spears.”
“Alright, good to know. Did she say which play she’s going to read?”
>“I think she said ‘Caesar’ was next.”
>Seriously?
>The one thing you put the list together for, and she’s ignoring it
“Oh for- when is she going to get to ‘Romeo and Juliet,’ already?”
>“I know the plan is to get her to see that humans are all lovey-dovey at heart, but she’s more interested in getting a primer for the movies and stuff. I think she said she read on the internet that the one about Rome has a character from the ‘Caesar’ play in it.”
>That would explain why she was looking up stuff about Rome when she’s up to a totally different part of ‘Traditions and Encounters’ in her history studies
>It doesn’t explain why she was looking up star charts, though
“At least she’s serious about watching the movies with me. Anyway, I’ve got to go pick up one of my friends and I need to apologize to Twilight before I leave.”
>“I’m not sure this is such a good time. She got some pretty bad news today.”
“What was it?”
>“She wanted you to see for yourself. Good luck, zom-butt.”


>Well fuck
>Hopefully she’s not mad about something
>Into the kitchen to make one last stop before you go
>Eliza’s out AGAIN because she’s doing administrative stuff at the weekly farmer’s market, no surprise there
>The door to Jon’s office is closed
>You can hear Twilight and Jon talking inside
>There are several papers taped to the door, one on top of the other 
>It seems like they were left for you
>You’ve got time to make an apology and read these, so you oblige
>The first one has some Chinese calligraphy on it


Princess Twilight Sparkle of Ponyville,

It is with deep sorrow that I must inform you of our lack of solutions to your problem. You deserve to
come home to great celebrations of your studies. The world will be a better place for your efforts. I do
not intend to remove all hope. Princess Celestia of Canterlot tells us that we may pursue all methods
which could be used to return you to Equestria. She said unorthodox methods may be used if necessary.
The tone in which she said “unorthodox” gave me much discomfort.


Representative Xiezhi Ma Yu Zhe of Orange Beaches Province
奧蘭治海灘省獬豸代表馬語者
獬豸麒麟集體正義與普遍繁榮


>…Welp, looks like she’s here for the long run
>As soon as you finish thinking “fuck my life,” you realize that you urgently need to get into contact with Celestia
>You can’t keep an entire fandom and brand name under wraps forever
>Right now, you have more urgent things to take care of, like picking up Evan
>The next couple of papers don’t have much on them


Twiley,

Our private messenger just brought the news. I’m so, so sorry. I’m going to Canterlot to be with mom
and dad. I haven’t heard from them yet, but I can only guess how they feel. Cadence can’t come with
because of her royal duties. She’s putting a good act of keeping it together when I’m around, but I think
it’s only an act. Her voice cracks a little whenever I ask how she’s doing. Consider this a letter from both
of us.


Stay strong.
Shining Armor


>That was a personal letter
>Twilight must be really broken up about getting stranded if she’s willing to display that
>That leaves the last letter
>You can’t make out much of it except “To our dearest daughter” because it’s so smudged and tear-stained
>It looks like it might say “the last few years have been eventful” and “you went out with a bang”
>The only legible parts of the signature are “we’ll always love you, no matter where life takes you” and the word “Velvet”
>Another personal letter
>That one was probably from her parents
>None of them expect her to come back
>You fold the letters up and put them on the kitchen table


>Spike may be right
>It might not actually be a good time to apologize to her
>You’re about to leave when the office door slowly swings open
>Nobody is talking inside, and nobody’s there to have opened the door
>Jon leans over his desk and into view
>“Well, how about that. He is there.”
>Twilight struts up to the doorway, looking back at Jon and speaking with a hint of pride in her voice
>“Told you I could see him.”
>Then she turns to you so she can
>JESUS FUCK HER EYES ARE GLOWING
>IT’S GONNA BLOW
>“I saw you reading those letters I left for you. We… well, we’re stuck.”
>She doesn’t seem to notice that you’re not very comfortable with how she’s SPEWING MAGIC FROM HER EYES
>Maybe this is normal
>Maybe
>“I’m not sure if we’ll ever get back. I mean, there might be a chance, but it’s a longshot and the result would probably be worse than staying here.”
>Does she not realize that she’s overcharged with magic?
>Jon’s not doing anything about it
>Alright, roll with it and don't make any sudden movements


“Uh… just out of curiosity, what would that longshot be?”
>“The dark style of magic is much more efficient than conventional magic, but it’s illegal for very good reasons. Dark magic can change its user on a mental and emotional level, and without exception it changes them for the worse. Used extremely sparingly, the results are temporary and negligible. The amount that would be required for a trip between universes would instantly make the caster or casters incoherent and mindlessly aggressive. I’m worried that’s what Celestia was implying.”
“Do you think she’d do it?”
>“Oh heavens, no! She wouldn’t. We value her too much to let her sacrifice herself like that. Besides, I don’t think she’d want to do that just for my sake!”
“You make it sound like it would kill her.”
>“It would. That’s exactly why I told her I’d stay here unless she finds others who would volunteer. Chances are that nop0ny would want to throw their life away like that, so… yeah. I’m not counting on going home anymore.”
>Her absolute calm while talking about Celestia offing herself, coupled with those glowing eyes, is creepy as all fuck
>Even if she’s not about to explode with magic
>How has she not noticed your reaction to all this?


“So it would drain all of her magic and kill her, even though it’s more efficient?”
>“No, she’d live. She’s got more magic than thousands of average unicorns combined. Heck, I might be able to take Spike, myself, and a decent amount of equipment and texts from Earth to Equestria using dark magic and survive if I get my calculations right.”
“I don’t understand. You just said it would kill her.”
>“From a biological standpoint, she’d be perfectly healthy. On a mental level, though, she’d be totally dead. Worse than dead, even, because her body would be a living reminder of what’s lost.”
“What, like a vegetative state?”
>“No, she’d be conscious.”
>This doesn’t make any sense
>Living and dead, there and not
>This conversation could irradiate a cat half of the time
>Fortunately, Jon chimes in for you
>“You’re leaving out an important piece of information.”
>“Oh, right! The human concept of sentience and life is different. Sorry, I’m a little distracted right now.”
“So what’s different about it?”
>This sends her into lecture mode and instantly removes most of the worried tremor from her voice
>“Sentience is a threshold where members of species are, on average, conscious of themself and others to the point that they form a stable, independent civilization which interacts peacefully with other intelligent species.”
“So do humans qualify as sentient?”


>She bites her lip and probably looks to the side
>You can’t be sure because of freaky glowing eyes
>“Humans are sort of a, um…”
>She pauses for a few seconds to find an appropriate word
>“…exceptional case because there aren’t any other intelligent species here. Homo sapiens sapiens did come to the top of the evolutionary pile by eliminating all of its Stone Age competitors, though, so… maybe, sort of, not really, but kind of yes? There’s not exactly a spot on the flowchart for a ‘last species standing makes contact with a new species, but doesn’t kill them’ scenario.”
“Are there any comparable species on your planet?”
>“I’d say diamond dogs. They usually form competing clans and small societies, but peaceful interaction is all but impossible between… no, that’s not a fair comparison. Humans are closer to vanara. There are several dozen sultanates, but where they are and how many there are depends on who’s married to whom, which towns are prospering, and all sorts of other drama. Actually, that’s not a good comparison, either, because they’ll unify when they need to. Maybe the buffalo tribes… no, those are nomadic. That rules out some of the zebras, too…”
>She’s not even looking at you by now, seemingly lost in thought behind her eyelights’ sparkle


>You’re about to check your watch when Jon intervenes again
>“Twilight.”
>“Hmm? 
>“You’re rambling.”
>“Oh. The short answer is ‘no.’ As for the concept of life, life is synonymous with the mind. A body can live without a mind, but it’s not truly alive. Likewise, a mind needs a body to inhabit. I’m essentially suffering a biological death every time I teleport, but I’ve never completely died.”
>Twilight has the whole creepy schtick down pat right now and she doesn’t even realize it holy shit
“Wait, you killed yourself to get here?”
>“Only biologically, and only for an instant. Bodies aren’t exactly intended to work when all of their molecules are traveling in a single file line at light-years per second. I’m made of the same material as I was and I have the same mind as I used to, so it’s not like I’m not myself. There was just a teeny-tiny moment when I wasn’t.”
“Uhh… wasn’t what?”
>“I wasn’t. I was nonexistent for a fraction of a second.”
>Twilight's fucking with you
>She must be
“…okay, I guess I understand, but what does all this mean in terms of dark magic?”


>“Mentally, a frequent and/or intense user of dark magic would degrade so much that their personality would be replaced with basic desires and instincts, and their body would grow slightly along with a noticeable darkening of their skin and hair. They would cease to be a person and just be a beast, almost like an Earth animal. No thought, no reason, little to no communication, totally incapable of understanding abstract concepts… functionally, that’s death.”
>So if they can’t think, they’re not alive
“That sort of makes sense…”
>“A famous example of what happens to dark magic users would be King Sombra of the Crystal Empire. I’ll see if I can get a history book that has more detail, but the gist of it is that he was a unicorn who used to be a prince and local governor not long after the foundation of Equestria. He took issue with Celestia and Luna’s rule and declared himself the king of a sovereign empire. They would have been okay with that, but he took it too far.”
“What did he do?”


>“At first it looked like he was just following the example of what’s now the Coltalan Semi-Autonomous Zone, but then he banished all except earth ponies from his ‘empire’ and used dark magic to transform his subjects into living crystalline versions of their former selves. Nop0ny is sure exactly why he did this, but it got Celestia and Luna to intervene. At this point he was so deranged from dark magic use that he made a long speech about 'making a statement' and cast one final spell that made himself and the entire empire disappear. They reappeared last year, and Sombra was… less than cogent, let’s say.”
“So dark magic makes people crazy, and if they’re crazy they’re not people.”
>Screw Loose the dog-pony’s backstory just got a lot darker
>No, bad mind!
>No more headcanons, just care about what you need to know!
>“Not exactly. Sufferers of insanity-related conditions can recover. The only ‘cure’ for chronic dark magic use is death, but fortunately most dark magic users lose the mental capacity for continued magic use and can’t use more magic to harm others. They usually wander off from society. They get a premature funeral, and then a proper burial if they’re found after whatever combination of exposure, starvation, and wildlife does their body in.”
>It looks like there’s sort of a silhouette of something in her eyes


>“Sorry for the grim subject matter, but there’s not really any way to talk about dark magic that isn’t horribly uncomfortable. Teleportation is kind of a weird area of philosophy as well, but, uh… it’s sort of the go-to illustration for the Equestrian concept of life.”
“It doesn’t help that you’re doing this while you’re so charged with magic that it’s literally pouring out of your eye sockets.”
>“Huh? Oh! Oh, sorry, I forgot I left the enchantment in! I didn’t scare you, did I? I can’t really judge humans’ facial expressions like this. It’s like you’re made of a totally non-reflective material. All I can make out is your shape.”
“You actually did scare me a bit.”
>“This is just the visible magical particles spell. I figure if I see humans like this more often I might get over the fact that they look so strange.”
“That’s what’s happening with your eyes?”
>“Yeah. I showed it to you back when I did a lecture on the fundamental energies, remember?”
>Okay, but there’s one problem with that explanation
“Spike said it looked different that time.”
>“That’s probably because I was looking at three humans simultaneously.”
>Oh right, duh
>That explanation holds water and is a lot more appealing than an impending magi-splosion
“So that shadowy figure in your eyes is me?”
>“Yup. The spell is more of an overlay than an actual in-eye projection. There’s usually not enough contrast for an outside viewer to be able to tell what I’m looking at. Usually.”


>You can’t help but notice that your shadow is getting slightly brighter
“It looks like you’re losing contrast.”
>“It does that sometimes. I’m sorry if it made this conversation weirder than it needed to be. I’m just a bit preoccupied right now. I’m not entirely ‘here’ so to speak.”
“Would you please make your eyes stop glowing?”
>“The stored magic in this enchantment should run out soon. Just give it a minute.”
>If it’s harmless, you might as well
“Alright. It still looks really weird, though. Look… uh, Spike told me that you’re not going to read any more Harry Potter. Sorry about that. I forgot that part was in the book.”
>She gives a dismissive hoof-wave, but she sounds nervous again
>“It’s fine. I’m not sure what I was expecting, reading a book about magic from an author who has no experience with magic.”
>It wouldn’t hurt to check if she’s feeling at all like her family does about how she’s stuck
“Are you okay? You sound upset.”
>“I’m fine.”
>That’s a lie if you ever heard one
>Jon leans back into view and mouths “She’s not.”
“I mean, you just got letters from the rescue team and your family about how they don’t expect to see you again…”
>“No. I’m fine. Everything is just fine.”
>The spell is starting to fade off of her eyes
>She’s very obviously on the verge of tears
>It’s too easy to forget that she’s not a cartoon character anymore
>Here she is with all this power, but under it all she’s just a sad, scared girl


>Jon nods towards the door
“I, uh… I have an appointment I need to keep. I have to go.”
>All things considered, Twilight’s keeping a remarkably straight face
>“Yeah… don’t want to be late…”
>Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to check
>You’re in the awkward position of having to stay and comfort her if she starts crying and be late for the time you set with Evan, or getting there on time and making Twilight even more miserable by looking like an indifferent prick
>Jon sees his opening and makes the choice for you
>“Twilight, what do you say we call off the troubleshooting for today? We can do the math for humidity-related corrosion on the other half of the components tomorrow.”
>“I… I have something I wanted to do downstairs, anyway. Let’s stop for today.”
>You give her plenty of space as she slowly trudges past you
>She’s quietly talking to herself, muttering about not making progress
>Once she’s gone, you and your father share a tense moment of silence
“She’s not doing so well.”
>“Neither are we if she has to stay here permanently. You should get going. We’ll deal with this later.”
“Are you sure? I mean, she’s really upset.”
>“I don’t see a reason for her to do anything drastic.”
“If you say so.”
>Turning for the door, you hear Jon speak one last time before you leave
>“There’s supposed to be a drizzle tonight.”
“Thank you.”
>You grab your raincoat and head for your car
>Once you’re in the driver’s seat, you take a few seconds to clear your head


>Breathe in
>Breathe out
>Act like nothing happened
>Just forget it all for the next few hours
>Keep your home life and outdoor life totally separate
>Then you turn the key in the ignition and drive
>Evan’s the kind of guy who lives in a neighborhood of McMansions, but his family only has a two story home
>Not exactly rich, but not exactly middle-class
>He’s got parents in well-paid jobs that can always provide, but he’s actually got a better work ethic than you do
>One of the jokes between you and him is that he’s part of the Jewish conspiracy
>Which makes sense, because, well, he’s full-blooded, practicing Jewish and he loves conspiracy theories
>Not in-your-face orthodox Jewish or massive-nosed caricature Jewish
>Just the “Oh, he’s Jewish? I guess that makes sense. Moving on…” sort of Jewish
>Personally, he’s very detail oriented
>Whether it’s the backstory of the only Imperial Officer Star Wars who’s wearing a white uniform or what color Stalin painted his toenails on the day after the thirtieth anniversary of the October Revolution, he knows it
>Booksmart as he is about Star Wars and Soviet history, he’s a magnificent dumbass sometimes


>Such as right now, when you’re picking him up at his front door
>He’s squatting down to baby-talk to his family’s new puppy, which pulls up the ankles of his pants just enough for you to tell he’s wearing a blue sock on his left foot and a white one on his right foot
>It’s enough to put a little smile on your face, despite the trouble you left at home
>As he hops in the passenger seat, you can’t help but jab at him for his choice of clothing
“Nice footwear.”
>“It’s the new style. It's called ‘I wasn't looking when I pulled these out of the laundry.’”
>He slams the door shut behind himself, buckles in, and you start driving
>“You got the gift card?”
“Right here.”
>You tap on the plastic through your pocket and whip out the item as soon as you come to a stop sign
>He takes it from you as you hand it to him
>“Thanks. Sorry about asking you like that. I didn’t mean to seem needy or anything, it’s just that-”
“No problem. I forgot something, you reminded me, and we needn’t make any more of it. You’re so self-conscious about how Jewish you seem that it’s actually making you act more Jewish.”
>Out into the intersection and onto the main roads
>“At least I’m not my cousin.”
>Oh fuck, THAT guy
“I never could stand him.”


>“Who can? It’s hard to like a guy with the resume of a vending machine distribution manager and the ego of a billionaire. Jesus Christ, it’s almost like he wants people to hate him.”
>Ah, friendship
>The only relationship in which it’s acceptable for two people to make horrible, horrible jokes about eachother
“You can’t say ‘Jesus!’ Doesn’t the Torah have rules about that?”
>“I don’t think so, and you can’t exactly take Moses’ name in vain without standing out. Besides, who swears to him? He’s smalltime compared to big J in terms of cultural influence.”
“Just checkin.’”
>“As opposed to just Chechen. Did you hear about how the Czech embassy’s twitter account got spammed by people who didn’t know the difference between Chechnya and the Czech Republic when they found out the Marathon bombing was done by Chechen Muslims?”
“Two things. One: that pun was terrible. Two: yes, because we talked about it at your birthday.”
>“Oh yeahhhhh… well what about the ‘Crisis Actors’ theory that’s been cropping up?”
“Are we still talking about the bombing?”
>“I guess you haven’t, then. People think that the bombing was all makeup and special effects, and the gub’ment had actors be the people who were ‘hit’ by the ‘explosion.’”
“That’s hilarious! Have they done any real investigation into this or just speculated and shut out anyone who tries to find flaws in the theory like they usually do?”
>“It’s business as usual.”


“Goddamn, for all the whining about non-conspiracists being sheep who never question anything they’re told, the conspiracy theorists are just as bad. The only difference is that they follow a different shepherd.”
>“This is exactly why I can’t take them seriously. All the popular theories about recent stuff have huge loose ends that you can never ask about, but coming to an unreasonable conclusion based on a tiny inconsistency in something ‘mainstream’ is perfectly acceptable. In this case, it’s people. How many people would you have to get to keep quiet to pull that sort of thing off, discounting the use of mind-control and robots of any type?”
“Let me see… twenty dozen victims… hundreds of hospital workers and first responders… I’m coming up with approximately one fuckton of people, give or take.”
>“And they’ve all been quiet for a month now. Hell, the people who R&D’d, piloted, and erased all evidence of the holographic cruise missiles used on 9/11 are still quiet. So are the people who abducted the passengers and created voice synthesizers to impersonate them calling their families from the planes. That’s sort of hard to believe now that the AP’s release of phone records to the government is public knowledge."
>He shifts in his seat a bit so he can gesture and emphasize his point


>“The more people involved, the more likely it is that one of them’s going to stop and say ‘wait, isn’t this wrong?’ or fuck up and leave something incriminating to be found. It’s why a public REX 84 is flawed, too; they can’t brand dissidents convincingly enough as the enemy. A massive roundup of dissidents would only create more dissidents, possibly amongst the ones doing the rounding up.”
>One more prod at him, just because the conversation’s getting a little too serious for what you had to deal with before you left to pick him up and you can’t exactly talk about your life right now
“I’d believe it if your big brother sided with The Big Brother and threw us both into FEMA camps for being in a dissidence-prone demographic. I bet he’d go along with it because he thinks it’s funny.”
>“I always knew he’d join the Marines.”
“You did?”
>“There was this one time the teacher gave him a Mad Lib. He wrote ‘fuck’ for every adjective, verb, noun, and adverb, then wrote ‘fuckasaurus sex’ when it asked him for the name of a dinosaur. He laughed all the way to the principal’s office, no regrets. Genius humor like that can only come from a Jarhead.”
>That IS quite witty


“Heh, you have to admire grunt humor for its simplicity!”
>“Back to my point, though, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a conspiracy to create ridiculous conspiracy theories and distract from the ones that make sense. The Soviets did it after the JFK assassination and they later commented on how it was too easy to get westerners to believe outrageous lies.”
>And there’s Evan’s obsession with obscure Cold War history coming into play
“Why do you always fixate on the Soviets like that?”
>“Why don’t you? They have those fuzzy hats like the one General Ourumov wore in ‘Goldeneye!’”
>You take one hand off the wheel to facepalm, splaying your fingers so you can still see the road
>“You know, the cylindrical one that’s-”
“Oh god, forget I even asked…”
>Gesturing upwards towards nothing in particular, you remove your hand from your face
“Illuminati! Let’s talk about them instead.”
>“If they’re as influential as they’re made out to be, we wouldn’t even know that name, and they definitely wouldn’t go plastering their symbols on our money.”
“True. They’d have to be pretty cocky to wave their conspiracy in our faces.”


>“Yeah, but right under people’s noses is an effective hiding spot if it’s used well. Going back to what you said, I think the good conspiracy theories are the ones that you have to admire for their simplicity, too. Turn on the radio. I bet I can make a believable one right now. No robots, reptoids, or mind control.”
>He leans forward and pushes the volume control in
>A second later, the car is filled with British-accented voices discussing how Africa is having another bad day

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0189p8q
(Audio link: BBC World Service’s program that aired on May 18, 2013. Start the audio at the 44 minute mark. The website says that this link will go dead sometime in 2014, so get it while you can! Or don’t. I’m just suggesting things. It’s not like you actually need to do them.)

>“Hmm… I could use that one, but it’d rely too much on antagonizing the UN. That’s been done to death. Let’s wait for the next story.”
>Minutes later, they’re talking about how Richard Wagner is still controversial in Germany, even at his bicentennial
>“Ooh! THIS is a good one. Wagner’s anti-Semitism is a product of the Catholic Church.”
“You’ve got a beginning and an end. Connect the dots and let’s see if it makes sense.”


>“During the Middle Ages, the Clergy decided that collecting money on loans wasn’t ‘living by the sweat of one’s brow,’ and therefore sinful. This made the economy of Europe stall, because nobody would loan money if they couldn’t make a living of it and still go to heaven. However, there was a loophole. Jews were technically exempt. Jewish Sheol and Christian Hell are two different things, so the Jews ignored the clergy and became the bankers that Europe deserved, but not the ones they needed right now.”
“Alright, Commissioner Gordon, what does that have to do with Wagner?”
>Right on cue, the program shifts to an interview with a German historian
>“As a result of all this, Jewish families got more and more experience and influence in banking, becoming synonymous with banking and wealth. Banking became synonymous with division and the status quo. When the Germanic states wanted to unify and have a national bank for a single German country, Jewish bankers didn’t want to go along with it. It would be a messy operation to integrate all of their banks, and more than a few of them would probably lose their fortunes in the process.”
>The historian on the radio makes a statement about how anti-Semitism was pretty much the popular opinion in the 19th century’s Germanic states


>“And like they said just there on the radio, that’s what everyone at the time was frustrated with, not just Wagner. They wanted change and had to go up against a system that wanted things to stay the same. Through only some fault of its own, the face of that system was the Star of David.”
>He reclines in the passenger seat and crosses his arms in front of him
>“Quid Erat Demonstratus.”
“You got the suffix wrong. It’s ‘demonstratUM.’”
>“Still, it was a convincing theory, right?”
“I guess it makes sense… but how can we be 100% certain this wasn’t just a series of accidents, well intentioned mistakes, and coincidences? Can we confirm there was some Cardinal who thought to himself ‘gee, I bet we can dick over those heretical Jews in a way that’s totally not counterintuitive if we give them loads of money’ or something?”
>“We can’t. Isn’t it exciting, though? It keeps me up at night, wondering if there really are centuries-old secret societies constantly fighting it out in the background and knowing that spy drama is always happening between countries. My theory would definitely make Gavrilo Princip’s life story more interesting.”
“Who?”
>“Second most influential man of the twentieth century. He shot Archduke Ferdinand and started the First World War.”
>He’s bringing up the World Wars?


“Wait a minute… are you trying to say-”
>“You guessed it. In a really roundabout way, the Catholic Church almost prevented the Second Reich and accidentally caused the Third Reich! That’s unless they were genius enough to plan this sort of thing and keep that plan on track for almost a millennium despite countless changes of leadership in the church. Then it was for intentionally turning public opinion against Jews far enough to have someone rise to power on the platform of ‘I’ll kill the Jews.’”
>That’s not fair!
“You said you were coming up with a believable one!”
>“But I did!”
“No you didn’t! Linking it to Hitler is cheating!”
>“Is not!”
“Is too!”
>“I didn’t make him important or like Wagner: he just IS IMPORTANT and liked Wagner. I never said the Catholic Church definitely did this. I’m just saying that it might have happened like that, so I’m not going to convince myself this is the reason it happened until all the other possibilities seem less likely than that one.”
>Neither of you speak for a few seconds
>The radio keeps going, talking about how Hitler did actually like Wagner’s music and opinions
>Well, Evan did have a point until he ruined it
“As balls-to-the-wall crazy as that one got, I have to admit that you had me going for a minute.”
>“Not saying it did happen because of that. I’m just saying it’s exciting to think that it might have.”
“You listen to too much Alex Jones.”


>Evan shuts down the radio
>“His opinions and callers are kind of wack, but the raw information he broadcasts is useful. I like his show for that. Did you hear about Ryan Fogle?”
“As much as it sounds like you made that name up, I did. He got some coverage on NPR.”
>“No relation to Archibald Spoob, the visionary writer behind the ‘Time Traveling Child Molesters’ videogames. The man’s a complete genius. The TTCM series is like Max Payne, Metal Gear Solid, and Watchmen all combined in terms of its attention to detail.”
>This is that in-joke you told Twilight about
>Needless to say, it was Evan’s idea, not yours
>You go along with it because it reminds you of the insane stuff the pedestrians in Grand Theft Auto make small talk about
>Sometimes you even talk about it in public with him just because the “What the fuck did I just overhear?” looks on peoples’ faces are so priceless
“Oh man, I’ve been meaning to get the fifteenth entry to that series for forever!”
>“I won’t spoil it for you, but the twist in the second act is absolutely mind boggling. You should get it. Anyway, Fogle… worst American spy ever?”
“Approaching the Russians and saying ‘I be double agent now, da?’ with a spare passport and a pair of fake mustaches in his pocket just goes to show how hard the sequester is hitting the CIA’s training and Q-branch equivalent.”


>“This year has been so embarrassing for the US. I’m actually starting to lose internet arguments about how the US could get its redemption from all this shame.”
“I doubt it’ll get any better before it gets worse.”
>“The AP phone records leak is just the tip of the iceberg. Mark my words.”
“Marked.”
>Evan looks out the window for a second and gets his bearings
>“Hey, I think we’re going to go by Danilo’s house. Let me call him up and… fuck.”
“I thought you were just friends.”
>He’s rapidly feeling his pockets for something he can’t find
>“No, I forgot my phone! I was going to call him and see if he’s already got a ride to Drew’s thing. Do you have his number in your phone?”
“I don’t think I do. I mean, I only know him through you.”
>“Can I see it and check?”
“Only if you keep both your hands on it and keep the car windows shut.”
>You pull up to a stop light and pop the phone out of your holster for him
>He scrolls through the contacts list for a minute, then gives up and puts the phone in the center console
>“Nope, he’s not here. Damn.”
“Ah well, we can swing by his house and check.”
>“This reminds me, actually. Did that kid I talked to on Wednesday have you call me back? You didn’t get back to me for a few hours.”
>What?
>What is he talking about?
“What kid?”


>He picks the phone up again and goes to your call logs
>You glance over to him as the stop light turns green
>There are two incoming calls from Evan on Wednesday, both around nine in the morning
>One of them was picked up
>All you did was call him back after you saw a ‘missed call’ notification
>“I tried calling twice. Nobody picked up on the first time, but the second time some kid answered me.”
>Spike
>Spike is paving a road to hell
>Everything had been perfect until now, and now they’ve had outside contact with someone who you convinced to watch half of season one
>He might have watched more, but you were commenting on how they rarely reuse pieces of music in MLP seconds before they started reusing a piece of music
>Now you have to make the straightest poker face of your life because Spike’s a fucking idiot
>“He actually sounded kind of familiar, but I couldn’t place it.”
“I think I know who it was”
>“Do I know him?
“It’s one of the neighbors’ kids. There’s one that actually has the same name as you. You know how my mom is with kids: She probably had him over to babysit for a couple of hours and the kid picked up my phone while I wasn’t in the room.”
>That’s half true
>One of the neighbors’ children is named Evan
>“Okay, I just want to be sure that you’re not trying to re-enact level seven of ‘TTCM 8: The Molestification of Levittown.’”


>Deflect suspicion with a joke and change the subject
“Nah, it’s closer to ‘Inter-dimensional Zoophile Squad 3: Consent at all Cost’ level two. Anyway, we’re almost at Dan’s apartment.”
>You pull off of the main road and into the condo complex
>As you approach his condo, you see that his family’s cars aren’t there
>You stop and honk the horn, and after a short delay Dan comes out the door
>He jumps into the backseat and tries to join the conversation
>“Hey Evan, hey Jake. I’m guessing you got my message, E?”
>“Funny thing about that… I actually forgot my phone at home.”
>“You mean you guessed? Wow, thanks for coming to check! I’d be missing the pre-fireworks stuff for this town fair carnival thing if you’d just driven by.”
“Do you think they’re going to do the fireworks tonight? I heard there’s supposed to be a drizzle.”
>“Then it’s that much better that you decided to pick me up. I’d hate to get there and have there be nothing to do.”
>“It’s not like they can’t make a rain date. There’s going to be a heat wave this week.”
>There’s a heat wave of internal rage you’ll unleash as you get home
>For now, keep it separate
>Act like nothing happened, and enjoy an afternoon amongst friends



#IRCAddamsLocal
Server time 5/18/2013, 19:22

19:22:19@ElizaLaptop: Dinner’s served! Fried kale and zucchini over quinoa.
19:22:25@JonDesktop has signed off
19:22:30@Basement: Have you ever had one of those days when five things went wrong for every one thing that went right?
19:22:40@ElizaLaptop: Everyone has.
19:22:50@ElizaLaptop: I’ve seen more than a few happen, and I’ve had several.
19:22:52:@Basement: That’s comforting to know.
19:22:54@Basement: Humans seem socially and psychologically similar enough. Maybe I could find a way to fit in.


19:23:05@ElizaLaptop: I thought I heard you sobbing earlier…
19:23:09@Basement: I’m a hair’s breadth from the worst possible kind of death. All of my friends and family, everyp0ny I knew except for Spike… I’ll never see them again. If I lose Spike, I won’t even hear from them. I’ll be socially dead. Isolated. Alone.
19:23:18@Basement: I heard a report on the radio today about how people inside the Gaza Strip are paying exorbitant fees to have food smuggled in from a restaurant across the border in Egypt. It’s supposed to be very tasty for humans. The Fried Chicken Restaurant of Kentucky, or something along those lines. Couriers are bringing deliveries through tunnels that the militants used to bring supplies for fighting Israel.
19:23:24@Basement: The Gazans wouldn’t starve if that tunnel collapses. It would benefit the Gazan food vendors, but it would be a change for the worse. Those people don’t get comfort food when they need it, and they have to live with something different and arguably less palatable.
19:23:40@ElizaLaptop: I could bring your dinner down to you, if you’d like.
19:23:41@Basement: I’d appreciate that. No need to hurry on my account, though.
19:23:45@Basement: I’ve got all the time in the world.

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