>Looks like you’re rich in the land of horses.
>All that pocket change you had when your ass got dumped in the land of friendship, rainbows, and all that happy horseshit was worth a lot.
>Now you had to deal with the repercussions of having it made.
>”My name is Fleur De Lis and…”
>Slamming the door in her face you grumbled and went back to the couch.
>That was the fourth damn suitress this morning.
>None of them give a single shit about you, all they care about is the fact that you’re loaded.
>Caramel told you before to be careful.
>Mares would herd up with a rich colt, live with him for a little bit, then kick his flank to the curb with nothing.
>The mares might be in charge here but at least some things are the same as on earth.
>”Anonymous the Human we have come for your hand in marriage!”
>The walls of your home shook from the loudness.
>Looks like that mare from Neigh York was back.
>”And we bring pizza!”
>Okay maybe you’ll at least hear what she has to say.

“This bullshit and I say no.”
>”Anonymous it’s not that simple where you can just say no.”
>Glaring at the obviously uncomfortable princesses you sipped on your delicious coffee.
>”The nobles have been pushing for us to act, a law we had even forgotten about is forcing our hoof.”
>You knew what they were going to say but wanted to hear it straight from the horses mouth.
>”You have to marry, the law is simple, a stallion with financial wealth cannot simply remain single out of possibly mismanaging the money and losing it.”
“So let me get this straight before I kick both your royal flanks out of here.”
>Setting down the coffee mug so you didn’t spill any over what was going to happen in the next minute.
“I need a mare to tell me how to handle my money.”
>Both Celestia and Luna nodded apprehensively.
“Okay then, allow me to retort.”

>Any pony passing by would have shit their non-existent briches over the sight that morning.
>Both rulers being tossed out and landing on their rumps.
>By the human no less.

“Sparkle get your fat ass out here now!”
>Waiting impatiently you tapped your foot.
>These royal assholes wanted to play? You’d play.
>Moments later a visibly frightened princess stood just beyond the doorstep.
>Fear kept her from going any further.
>Groaning you walked up and picked her up slinging her under your arm and walking toward the courthouse.
>”Anon set me down, this is embarrassing!”
“No time, we’re getting married, so tough cookies.”

>Holy hay you’re married.
>So much for that contest in school where you got voted least likely to get you some dick.
>Whose laughing now?
>Floating the small gold band in front of your eyes you “squeed” before putting it back on your horn.
>Your parents and not to mention Shining and Cadence were going to be furious that you didn’t invite them.
>But Anon didn’t give you any warning.
>That hunk of stallion just snatched you up and brought you down to the courthouse.
>With those big, strong hands of his 
>Unf!
>Speaking of hands.
“You know you can put me down now.”
>”Nope, still got two more stops before this whole things done.”
>Colts
>Always making things so complicated.
>Oh tonight is going to be so great, you won’t need an excuse to wear those socks you got last week.
>”Fuck you bird horse!”
>Without even stopping you watched as Anon extended the middle digit of his hand in what you guessed was a greeting towards a passing Pegasi.
>Craning your neck you saw she almost dropped what looked like a potted plant right on top of him.
>She should be more careful.
>Almost hitting your hubby, that slut probably wanted to steal your man.
>Yeah keep on flying filly, he’s taken.
>When this is over you should probably send a letter to everyone to let them know the great news.
>And hide your playmare collection.
>You won’t need those anymore.

>Marriage certificate from the courthouse… check.
>Several copies mailed to the princess and royal archives… check.
>You felt bad for putting Twilight through all this but desperate times call for desperate measures.
>Those measures being marrying a certain princess with a flank inferiority complex.
>How many times did you catch her at the gym staring at it as she tried losing weight?
>This girl needs to learn that there was nothing wrong with that ass.
>Girls back on earth would kill for an ass like that.
>Now here you sit with a visibly sweating princess on the couch.
>For some reason you smell spaghetti.
“So Twilight”
>”BE GENTLE IT’S MY FIRST TIME!”
>Blown back by her outburst you peaked over the couch edge.
“I was going to ask if you wanted some coffee, but let’s go with something without caffeine instead.”
>”Eh heh heh, waters fine.”
>There’s that spaghetti smell again.

>Two happily crying ponies clutched at your abdomen.
>”Oh thank Celestia!”
>You are confused.
>Both of Twilights parents came as soon as they got the news.
>”We thought for sure she was a filly fooler.”
>Turning to face your wife she looked pale and mouthed “I’m so sorry for this” despite her embarrassment.
>”We thought we’d never see her find a decent stallion.”
>”Mom really?” Twilight was redder than Macintosh.
>”Your brother and his family should be here later today, Oh how I wish you’d told us earlier.”
“Yeah Twilight why didn’t you tell them, were you ashamed of me?”
>Oh this was going to be good.
>”I… butttt… you… usssss”
>Grinning you bathed in her confusion.
>”Hey Twilight a scroll from Princess Celestia just came for you.”
>Spike the resident mailbox came shuffling in holding a sealed scroll which Twilight quickly snatched up with her magic.
>Watching as her eyes scanned the parchment you noted that all color drained from her face.
“You alright?”
>”Consummate the marriage.”
>What the fuck is a consummate?

>This is not how you thought your wednesday night would go.
>Apparently to consummate a marriage you had to go balls deep in Twilight mutherfucking Sparkle.
>So here you were in only a pair of your best underwear waiting on the bed for Twilight to come out of the bathroom so you could “do it”
>Tonight you would officially become a horsefucker.
>Not a bad way either and you two were married so it didn’t seem to farfetched.
>Hearing the bathroom door open your eyes trained on the doorway.
>And you waited.
>…
>…
>And the door slammed back shut.
>Grabbing the paper on the nightstand you flipped to the crossword puzzle.
“Hey Twilight five letter word for an archaic dragon?”
>Muffled by the door you heard her voice.
>”Drake.”
“Cool, thanks.”
>It was going to be a long night.

>You waited for two hours.
>You even finished the damn crossword puzzle. You might have looked at the answers once or twice.
>Yet still no Twilight.
>Throwing the paper aside you got up and went to the bathroom door.
>Knocking gently you called out.
“Twilight? Everything okay in there?”
>Waiting for a response all you heard was “blurghufho”
>Okay she’s throwing up.
>Opening the door you couldn’t help but feel sad at the sight.
>Twilight Sparkle, in pure white socks with her had in the toilet puking her guts out.
>”Anon I’m so sorry blahihihhundn uhhhg those hayburgers were a mistake.”
>Kneeling down you pulled back her mane so she didn’t get vomit on it.
>You might have been an asshole but even you knew that when a girl hurls like this it’s the least you could do.
“So is this because of the food or the sex thing?”
>”Blafhhsjjksl ugghhh my stomach, the second one.” She managed to mumble through.
>You stayed there and waited until she got it all out of her system.
>After a few minutes you reached under her and picked her up cradling her small body in your arms.
>Carrying her into the bedroom you laid her down on the soft cushiony bed.
>”Anon I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright. Get some sleep.” You said sliding into bed with her.
>Wrapping your arm around the purple pony you brought her close.
>You were overwhelmed by smell of lavender, how this girl managed to puke her guts out and still smell this nice was beyond you.
>Feeling her relax and settle against your chest, you closed your eyes and fell asleep.
>You both could try again tomorrow.