>You are Anon.
>And you are enjoying some damn good pie.
>Being flung into Equestria has given you a greater appreciation for baked goods.
>These ponies were artists with the stuff.
>You scoop up another piece, humming as your taste buds are overwhelmed with sensations.
>The flakiness of the crust.
>The sweetness of the blueberries.
>Oh god.
>You think you just came.
>You smile at the sweetmaker across from you.
"I don't know how you do it Mrs. Cake. Your pies taste better everytime I eat them!"
>She beams back at you.
>"I'm glad you do and it's good to see you again Anon, even under these circumstances."
>She throws an amused look toward the empty restaurant.
"Haha, yeah...sorry about that."
>"It's alright. We were about to close anyway."
>You look back to the pie, considering whether to take another bite or not.
>They're probably about to come in any moment.
>Which might cause Mrs. Cake even more trouble.
>Thinking better of it, you ask the rest be wrapped up to take home.
"Thanks for the dessert Mrs. Cake. Pinkie will give you the usual payment.
>She nods, already familiar with your arrangement.
>You make your way to the exit of the restaurant before waving goodbye to the pony.
"See you soon."
>"You too, hun."
>With that, you turn back to the door and place your hands behind your back.
>Nudging the door open with your foot, you're immediately blinded by a giant spotlight once you step outside. 
>The air crackles as someone speaks through a loudspeaker.
>"ANONYMOUS THE HUMAN! PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK!"
>You squint to peer beyond the light at the possible source of the voice.
"I already did that!"
>"...THEN TURN AROUND AND DON'T MOVE!"
>You comply, eager to get the bright light out of your face.
>Eventually you feel shackles snap around your wrists and another snap around your ankles.
>Your wrapped-up pie is also whisked out of your hands but you're certain you'll see it again.
>The spotlight is killed once the ponice are satisfied that you were reasonably restrained.
>Turning around, you can now clearly see the barricade that was erected around the restaurant and the spectating ponies being kept back.
>At a brisk nudge to your side, you turn around and walk to the nearby police carriage.
>The assorted newsponies  hurl questions at you as they snap pictures at every opportunity.
>"Mister Anonymous, how did you break it out of prison this time?"
>"What heinous acts did you commit on your crime spree today?"
>"Mister Anonymous, can you comment on the current state of the penal system?"
>"Do I smell blueberries?"
>Ignoring them, you shuffle into the carriage.
>The door is promptly locked and the cart begins its journey to your current residence.
>Ponyville Penitentiary.
>It wasn't always though.
>No, for your first few months you lived in a little cottage that Twilight had helped you get.
>It was a bit of a fixer-upper and small, but it was cozy.
>Twilight's friends helped make the transition all the more easier and you eventually became familiar with the town ponies.
>You made a modest living taking odd jobs that your unique anatomy made easier.
>It was a good life.
>Then one day, you were out in the market shopping for groceries when you stubbed your foot against a pole.
>As could only be expected, it hurt like a nasty bitch.
>You responded in a perfectly healthy way.
>By airing your grievances at every and any thing within reach of you as you cradled your injured foot.
>When you had finished calmly expressing your displeasure, you were suddenly surrounded by weeping ponies and blustering authorities. 
>Apparently public obscenities is a serious crime in Equestria.
>Which is complete bullshit and you had let those squads of ponice know exactly that.
>It wasn't until Twilight came swooping in that you finally let yourself be begrudgingly taken in.
>The trial went as well as you could expect.
>There were dozens of witnesses to the incident and assaulting those officers didn't help your case.
>Plus the judge was a real hard-ass.
>Twilight wouldn't abuse, as she calls it, her position to get you off either.
>You would have been more pissed about it but your sentence was only four weeks.
>Something the courtroom had been comically horrified by.
>The jail was even more of a joke.
>It reminded you more of a live-in preschool than the hardcore pen you heard of back on earth.
>Your boy cherry was still safe.
>It should have been a breeze but you fucked up one day.
>You had tripped on a loose shoelace and stumbled into a wall of your room.
>It immediately crumpled to pieces under you, depositing you on the outside of the prison.
>Either you were strong as fuck in Equestria or everything was built with the same soft, pudgy stuff ponies were made of.
>You had managed to get quite far from the jail before you were surrounded by panicking guards.
>You went back peacefully but you got another week tacked on to your sentence for your trouble.
>Eventually, your sentence was almost over and you could see the light at the end of the tunnel.
>But fuck that.
>Three meals a day, pudding for dessert, and a jail cell that was better furnished than your old home.
>All for free?
>No way were you giving that up.
>So periodically you would break out and go on a "crime spree" to purposefully tack on more time to your sentence.
>You just usually go see your friends and do a couple of errands before surrendering to the inept cops.
>You're honestly surprised they haven't banished or executed you by now.
>Then again, they probably think spanking is a cruel and unusual punishment.
>You're pulled from your thoughts as the carriage finally comes to a stop.
>The door is whisked open to reveal two rows of guards leading to the jail's entrance.
>After shambling out of the carriage, you make the slow trek down your personal blue carpet.
>This was your favorite part of coming back.
>You purposely bump your shackles together as you walk, filling the air with chilling metallic clangs.
>They try to keep their faces stern but you can see a flinch here and there on the guards' faces.
>One guard, probably a newbie, breaks the atmosphere with a cough.
>Catching your eye, you stop and look down at him.
>You smile widely, making sure your canines are on display.
"Heeeeyyy, little pony. You feeling alright?"
>The rookie swallows down his fear before attempting to talk.
>"N-no...yes! I-I mean, uhhh..."
>You go to say more but a foam baton is gently shoved into your back.
>"Keep moving, Anonymous."
>You chuckle.
"Alright, alright."
>You continue down the line before calling over your shoulder.
"I'll see you later, little pony."
>You can't see it but his face becomes covered in even more sweat.
>You're almost out of earshot before the guard mumbles.
>"I think I just peed myself..."
>You roll your eyes.
>How any of these guards could keep anyone incarcerated is beyond you.
>"You just never learn your lesson, do you Anonymous?"
>Ah, here's a pony with some backbone. 
>You smile at the gray, blue maned unicorn in the open lobby of the prison.
"So nice to see you too, Fussypuss."
>Her muzzle scrunches in that cute way you love ponies do.
>"That's Warden Fusspot, convict. You just earned yourself another two weeks and no dessert for three days! How do you like that?"
>A guard gasps at the harsh punishment.
"Sounds great to me Fussypuss."
>Growling, she snaps at a nearby guard.
>"Take him to the time-out room for FOUR hours."
>A gasp ripples through the crowd of guards.
"Ooh, that'll be a new record. Let's get to it."
>A grey hoof impedes your path however.
>"Aren't you forgetting something, inmate?"
>Now it's her turn to smirk as she jerks her head at the corner.
>Your smile drops as your eyes land on the familiar setup.
>Ugh, you should have expected her to force you into that getup.
>You can't really blame her though.
>She was well-known for running a prison with a spotless perfect record.
>No escapes or repeat offenders under her watch.
>Then you pissed all over that.
>Your presence had ruined the perfect harmony of her prison.
>Despite that, she had never put in request for your relocation to another prison.
>Her pride as a warden wouldn't allow it.
>It would be admitting that her system was flawed.
>Honestly, you enjoyed butting heads with her.
>She was the only pony with the balls to stand up to you.
>Wait, no.
>There is another...

>You are Cookies n' Cream.
>Toughest guard at Ponyville Penitentiary. 
>There was no prisoner you couldn't calm down, no roughhouse you couldn't break up.
>Inmates made sure to say their please's and thank you's when you were on duty.
>It is for these reasons that Warden Fusspot chose you to be the personal chaperone of the infamous Anonymous.
>The convict had chased off all his previous ones with his ill behavior. 
>You were the only one to make any progress on rehabilitating him.
>Though, not that much progress.
>He had broken out.
>Again.
>You're currently on your way down to the timeout room to confront him.
>Ooh, he was in for /such/ a tongue-lashing. 
>You finally reach the hallway where the timeout room is located.
>The dim hallway terminates in a dead-end where a steel door loomed large.
>Two guards stood on watch on either side of it.
>Despite their environment, they stood steadfast at their positions.
>Good boys.
>Only the toughest ponies were put on this detail.
>Not many could handle the depressing and drab atmosphere of the timeout room.
>Couldn't have them feeling sorry for the inmates and letting them out early.
>But even these guards would eventually be switched out with fresh hooves in 20 minutes.
>The average inmate was only sent there for 10 minutes, 30 at the longest.
>But Anonymous was regularly sent there for a whole hour, sometimes more!
>You give them a salute and they return it.
"I'm here to see the inmate."
>They uncertainly glance at each other.
>"Are you sure that's wise, mam?"
>"He was just arrested. He could be unstable."
"Thank you for the concern gentlemen, but I can handle myself. I've dealt with him before."
>They hesitate for a moment before opening the door with a hiss.
>"If you need help just use the secret knock, mam."
>You nod before heading into the dimly lit room.
>Once you pass the threshold, the door is quickly closed behind you.
>Your eyes take a few seconds to compensate for the lost of light.
>When they do the figure in the middle of the room becomes clear to you.
>Anonymous was intimidating just on his own but in the Warden's specially made restraint he became frightening.
>His arms were bound in a straitjacket and his legs were shackled with strongest iron known to ponykind. 
>His whole body was restrained to a gurney with imported leather straps.
>Topping the ensemble was a muzzle.
>The whole thing was bordered on brutality but the Warden had convinced the Board to approve of it in Anonymous' case.
>Even the formidable human found it uncomfortable. 
>Anypony else would have been reduced to a sniveling mess in minutes.
>Anonymous' eyes leer at you from above his muzzle.
>"Good evening, Cookies."
"Anonymous."
>You shrug off your saddlebags and leave them on the floor.
>"I heard you escaped prison again. That was naughty of you."
>You can't see it, but you can practically hear his grin.
>"Mmm yes, it was. What's the big, tough guardpony going to do about it?"
>You drop your brow into a glare that has sent a grown stallion crying for his mommy.
"I'm going to teach you a lesson."
>"Oh, really?"
>With a grunt Anonymous violently jerks his body, snapping the straps from the gurney.
>Then he tugs at his jacket's sleeves until they tear, freeing his arms.
>A kick snaps the chain of his shackles.
>Finally, he rips the muzzle off his face and flings it into a corner.
>Cracking his neck, he grins wildly at you with his arms outstretched. 
>"Well then, come on officer. Teach me a lesson!"
>, you charge at the released criminal before launching yourself...
>...into his big, strong arms.
>You let out a giggle as he spins you around before cradling you in his arms.
>He leans into you and plants his lips on yours.
>Your eyes flutter closed as your cheeks start to burn.
>The two of you stay like that for several seconds before disconnecting.
>The manic grin on his face has been switched with a gentle smile.
>"Hey, Cookies."
"Hello, Anon."
>You snuggle deeper into the embrace of your stallion.

>You are snuggling the cutest pone in Equestria.
>So that obviously means you're Anon.
>You lied before.
>/This/ is your favorite part of coming back.
>After sharing a kiss, you move your head so that your cheek rubs against hers. 
>The slight chill of the room is chased away with the bundle of warmth in your arms.
>Mane in your face, you inhale its fragrant scent before releasing it with a sigh.
>In a world full with manes of a wild variety of colors, hers always caught your attention.
>Cookies giggles as your breath tickles her ear.
>She looks up at you, eyes shining and cheeks a rosy red.
>HNNNG
>This mare!
>You thank the manufacturer of that bleach you drank for allowing you to meet her.
>She made staying in prison even better.
>Cookies was the last in a long line of chaperones the warden had tried to saddle you with.
>The others were scared off, sometimes not even on purpose.
>But Cookies was...different.
>She didn't take any of your shit, which was refreshing for you.
>And when she wasn't occupied with making sure you behaved, she was actually fun to have around.
>Not to mention she was a qt3.14.
>And the attraction wasn't one-sided, if those furtive glances during your daily workout meant anything.
>Apparently Ms. Top Guard had a thing for strong stallions.
>And you were the strongest muthafucker around.
>So you had eventually decided to ask her to be your marefriend. 
>She had turned you down at first, but you could see she did so hesitantly. 
>You were a career criminal and she was a guard.
>It would be scandalous!
>But you weren't taking no for an answer.
>To prove your dedication to her, you stayed on your best behavior. 
>For two WHOLE weeks.
>All the while, you had put on displays of your strength to woo her.
>Seeing her bite her lip as you bench pressed a table full of ponies during lunch was gold.
>You finally broke her down when you promised her snuggles anytime she wanted.
>Her only conditions were that it be kept a secret and that you start behaving better.
>Which was fine with you.
>You barely had to do anything to piss off Ol' Fusspot anyway.
>So during the day, she carried on the role of your strict 
>At night, she was your little cuddle bunny.
>You loved it.
>Her eyes, her mane, her rockin' bod.
>Her hoof booping your nose.
>You flinch back in surprise, broken out of your reverie. 
>Cookies is giving you that look again.
>The serious one.
"What?"
>"What did I tell you about breaking out, Anonymous?"
>Ech, it's that tone of hers too.
>You think for a second.
"...don't do it?"
>"Yes. Now you have another two weeks on your sentence! At this rate, you'll never get out."
>You shrug.
"You know I don't mind that. It just means I get to spend more time with you~."
>You lean forward to steal another kiss but she halts you with a hoof.
>"I'm serious Anon. Pon-people weren't meant to be in prison as long as you have been. I'm worried for your mental health. You should be outside, making friends!"
"But I am." You whine.
>She gives you a flat stare.
>"Not like that."
"Besides, I had a good reason this time."
>"Really?" She asked sarcastically.
"Really. Did you bring my stuff?"
>She sighs.
>"Yeah. It's in my saddlebag."
>She points a hoof at said bags that she had left by the door.
"Excellent.
>You gently place her back on her hooves and walk over to the saddlebags.
>It doesn't take you long to find your prize.
>Your wrapped up pie.
>And it's still warm.
>Cookies leaned to the side behind you, trying to see it.
>"What is it anyway?"
"Oh, just some blueberry pie I picked up from Sugarcube Corner."
>Her eyes gleam as they grow larger.
>"Blueberry pie? That's my favorite!"
>Internally, you pat yourself on the back.
"You said you've haven't had some in a while so I got it for you!"
>"You broke out just so you could get me some pie?"
"Only for you, baby."
>That's your story and you're sticking to it.
>"Aww, that's so sweet."
>Moving over to the cot in the room, you pat your leg and Cookies happily hops into your lap.
>Cookies' grin drops as you rip off the foil.
>"...why is half of it gone?"
>You look off to the side.
"No clue."
>Picking up the fork, you scoop her a piece and bring it before her.
"Anyway, open up."
>Closing her eyes, she opens her mouth for you.
>Placing the morsel she starts to chew enthusiastically.
>She hums in satisfaction as the flavors cascade onto her tastebuds.
>You smile at her cuteness.
>You made your marefriend happy and dodged having to deal with your relationship issues.
>A successful mission, if you do say so yourself.
>Still chewing, Cookies looks at you with one eye open.
>"Don't think this means you're off the hook, Anon."
>Well, damn.

>Branches whiz by your head as you crash through the forest.
>In the distance, sirens and shouting can be heard.
>You've broken out again.
>Nothing out of the ordinary for you.
>Today is a bit different though.
>Today-
>The green earth pony 
>"Ha! I knew sticking to you would pay off eventually. Didn't I tell ya Lockpick?" The green earth pony to right yells in jubilation.
>The orange pegasus to your left flexes his wings.
>"Ya sure did Risky!"
>...you have company.
>Risky Stakes and Lockpick.
>You noticed that the two have been shadowing you for the last couple of days.
>Apparently they followed you through that hole in the cafeteria you made.
>Usually the guards are quick enough to stop any other escapees but not this time.
>You don't mind though.
>Just as long as they don't get in your way.
"So big guy, what's your next move? Got a safehouse or something?"
"A church. Shouldn't be too far now."
>Risky nods.
>"Yeah, yeah. The cops won't think to look there."
>Lockpick stumbles in sudden alarm.
>"But I didn't bring my Sunday best!"
>Risky gives him a flat look.
>"We're not going to service, you doofus!"
>"Oh yeah, oh yeah."
>Soon your little party exits the forest onto the edge of Ponyville.
>The back of an ivory church lies before you.
>"There it is. Come on!"
>Your two crooks race off to the backdoor while you just casually walk to it.
>In their haste, they fail to see the carriages and decorations in the front of the building.
>The door is shut behind you once you pass through.
>The two ponies slump to the ground, panting from the nonstop run.
>Risky chuckles after getting his breath back.
>"We'll stay here til the heat is off. Then we're home fr-"
>An loud, aggravated sigh cuts him off.
>The three of you freeze as a blue unicorn in a tuxedo rounds the corner.
>"Why did I make this so bucking long? I'm doomed!"
>A deck of cards floats before him, momentarily blocking his view.
>Risky bristles in alarm.
>"Crud!"
>He snaps to Lockpick.
>"Gag him before he makes any noise!"
>"Right boss!"
>The gangly pegasus takes off toward the unsuspecting unicorn.
>It's at this moment that he looks up from his cards towards you.
>His eyes widen in shock.
>Lockpick is halfway to him when he suddenly shouts.
"Anon, you made it!"
>Lockpick stumbles out of the air, landing on the ground in a heap.
>You smirk.
"Course I did! Couldn't miss my bud's big day."
>You leave Risky behind to greet your pal with a hoofbump.
>Inspecting your friend's face, you quirk an eyebrow at him.
"Looking a bit nervous there, buddy. You ready?"
>He looks sourly at the cards floating before him.
>"Ugh, it's these wedding vows. I haven't been able to memorize them for days. I feel like a foal doing a school presentation."
"Let me see."
>You snatch the cards away and bring them up to read.
>After a few seconds of skimming, you scrunch your face in disgust.
"Christ. It's a wedding vow, not an eulogy. No wonder you can't memorize it."
>You promptly rip the cards up.
>"No wait!"
>He tries to catch the pieces in his magic but you interrupt him by squatting down to his level.
>You look closely at him, your expression serious for once.
"How do you feel about this mare?"
>"Well...I love her."
"And?"
>"And she's beautiful, smart, makes me laugh, I want to spend all my time with her, she makes me want to be a better stallion, and...I want to be with her forever."
>You throw your arms in the air.
"Then say that! Short, sweet, and to the point. Everyone loves that."
>He looks down at the shredded remains of his vows before looking up at you with a grin.
>"Thanks Anon, I feel much better."
"No problem."
>You pat him on the back before following him down the hall.
"Hey, is she still mad at me?"
>"Well, yeah. It was pretty bad, Anon."
"It was so long ago though."
>"But it was with her sister, man." 
"I said I was sorry."
>"I don't know if even I could forgive you for something like that-"
>"NOW HOLD ON A MINUTE!"
>You and the groom pause in your conversation to look back at Risky. 
>His face is a mixture of confusion and anger.
>"What is going on here?! You know this guy?"
"Yeah, it's his wedding today."
>"I thought you were going to a hideout!"
"Noooo, I said I was going to a church. You didn't ask why."
>"Are you telling me you broke out of prison just to go to some guy's wedding?!"
>"I was wondering about the red jumpsuit."
"Hey, I didn't tell you to follow me here."
>"I thought you were a criminal mastermind but you're a bigger idiot than Lockpick!"
>Wow, rude.
>"I'm getting out here!"
>With a huff, he turns back to the exit.
>He's barely out the door when he quickly backpedals in, slamming the door shut.
>He looks back at you in a panic.
>"The whole place is surrounded!"
>You take a peek out the window.
>As he said, you can see several cops loitering the grounds, examining the ground.
>Knowing the usual procedure for your breakouts, it's guaranteed to be even more in the front.
>"How did they find us so quickly?"
"Well, I didn't exactly try to hide my tracks."
>Your friend looks up at you with some worry.
>"Is there going to be a problem?"
"Nah, they'll scope out the place but won't bust in. Don't want to risk interrupting such an important ceremony."
>Risky gives you another dirty look.
>"What are we suppose to do in the meantime?!"
>You shrug.
"Wedding?"

>"...power invested in me by Princess Twilight, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride."
>When he does the hall erupts with applause and band starts up again.
>You stand with everyone as you clap excitedly.
>Lockpick blows his nose with a tissue, tears in his eyes.
>Risky just grumbles in his seat with his hooves crossed.
>Since you thought it best to sit in the back, the newlyweds past by you last.
>While the groom waves at you, his blushing bride settles for just glaring at you.
>Sheesh, let it go already.
>The other attendants soon file out after the couple.
>You wait til the three of you are left before speaking.
"That was a nice wedding, don't you think?"
>"*sniff* Uh-huh."
>"Yeah, it was fan-bucking-tastic."
>Someone's cranky.
"What's your problem?"
>"Oh, I don't know. Maybe its the fact that when we go out there we'll be thrown right back into the slammer!"
"So?"
>"So, I don't /want/ to go back!"
>You give him an incredulous look.
"Why would you want to leave prison?"
>Risky looks at you like you just said the world revolves around the sun due to gravitational forces.
>"To...get out?"
"Why though? We get all the luxuries of a five-star hotel for no cost! Well-furnished rooms, food, a library, swimming pool, and all the clubs you can think of. Tell me one thing that was better out there."
>"Well, we had...um, there was..."
>Lockpick speaks up excitedly.
>"We had a nice abandoned building all to ourselves this one time!"
"Oh yeah? What happened to it?"
>"It...got bulldozed."
>You roll eyes.
"Stick with me, fellas. I'll show you how sweet the life of a jailbird can be."
>You get up from your seat and go to the front doors.
>Lockpick and eventually Risks gets up to follow you.
>You spy out the door to see the assorted cops scanning the crowd for any sign of you and your cohorts.
"Today I will teach you lesson one: how to fuck with the cops!"
>You push open the doors dramatically and stroll up to the spectating ponies.
>Almost immediately, you're surrounded by the ponice.
>The guard in front of you slowly closes in.
>"Alright Anonymous, come in quietly and we won't have to get rough with ya."
>You continue to watch the happy couple trot to the stretch carriage waiting for them.
>Before getting in, the bride stops on her haunches, bouquet in her hooves.
"Sure, sure officer. Just one thing."
>Before he can blink, you have him hoisted into the air facing away from you.
>The little pone struggles in your hands, hooves flailing.
>"Officer in distress, officer in distress!"
>The other officers bluster at you to let him go, threatening to use their foam batons on you.
>You only focus on the bride, barely acknowledging them.
>Making minor adjustments, you wait for the moment of truth.
>"Anonymous, put me down this inst-!"
>The officer clams up when his hooves are filled with flowers.
>The other officers have gone quiet as well at the sight.
>Funny thing about pone weddings.
>For the most part, they're pretty similar to weddings back on Earth.
>They even have that bouquet thing where whoever catches it is next to get married.
>While on Earth it was just a joke and a reminder of one's crushing loneliness, in Equestria it was treated differently.
>It was pretty much mandatory that the pony to catch it to get married.
>Some bullshit about it being fate magic.
>Then again, you just escaped prison with a pony named Lockpick, so what do you know?
>No one complains about it so you don't question it.
>Eventually the silence is replaced with applause from his fellow officers.
>"Congrats, Revolver!"
>"Happy for you pal!"
>Revolver grips the bouquet closer to himself.
>"Oh wow. Wait til Daisy hears about this!"
"You know what this means?"
>The soon to be married pone looks back at you confusedly.
"We have to celebrate!"
>"B-but, we're suppose to be arresting you..."
>You wave his concerns off.
"Later! It's not everyday you catch the bouquet! I'm sure the Warden would agree."
>They all look doubtful at your flawless logic.
>Just need one more push.
"Drinks are on me~."
>That got their attention.
>You placed the officer on the ground then look back at the other convicts.
>The two stand on the front steps, dumbfounded by your skills.
>You wave them over with a wide grin.
"Come on guys, let's party!"

>You are Warden Fusspot.
>In front of the prison gates, you pace back and forth as your teeth grind together.
>Checking the setting sun once again, you growl in frustration.
"Where in Tartarus are they?!"
>The guards posted to the sides of you wisely stay silent.
>You had sent those squads after the fugitives hours ago!
>The vein on your forehead is threatening to bust open again.
>It was one thing for that troublemaker Anonymous to escape, but two other inmates too?
>Inexcusable!
>There must have been a hole in your guard assignments that allowed such a disaster.
>You were going to lose hours of sleep agonizing over your schedules.
>But not before those criminals were back in their cells where the belonged!
>You're about to check the sun again when the sounds of rapid hoofbeats and carriages snatches your attention.
>Down the road leading to Ponyville, you can see a trio of ponice carriages kicking up a cloud of dust as they storm toward the prison.
>The corner of your mouth slightly twitches upwards.
"Ah, good. They're finally here."
>You take the time to fuss over your mane and outfit.
>Both had become frazzled in your distress.
>Finished, you stand at attention as you watch the carriages approach.
>...
>They sure are coming in fast...
>Real fast...
>As they come closer, a figure at the reins on the lead carriage starts to stand out to you.
>You squint your eyes.
>Is that?
>No, it couldn't be...could it?
>Your heart begins to sink as your suspicions become confirmed.
"Anonymous?!"
>Said human repeatedly snapped the reins, demanding more speed from the officers pulling the carriage.
>Meanwhile, the other two carriages were being led by Risky Stakes and Lockpick, the inmates that had escaped along with Anonymous.
>All three were in an obvious state of inebriation, braying and taunting as they try to outspeed each other to the prison.
>Your officers, your highly trained officers, obediently ferried them, stumbling occasionally due to their own drunkenness. 
>...
>Are you having a stroke?
>You feel like you should be having one.
>Recognizing you, the human waves at you wildly.
>"Heeeeyyyyy, Dean Fussypuss! Did we make curfew?"
>You think a stroke would be preferable to what you're feeling right now.
>Anonymous looks down at the reins in his hands, eyes scrunched in concentration. 
>"...how do I stop this again?"
>Oh sweet Celestia, they're not slowing down!
"Run for your lives!"
>Chaos fills the courtyard as everypony scrambles to reach the safety of the prison.
>But it's too late.
>With a mighty crash, the carriages plow through the gates and into the panicking guards.
>The collisions causes the carriages to smash open, sending their occupants flying.
>Screams fill the air as guards are tossed like ragdolls throughout the courtyard.
>Once the screams stop and the dust clears, the courtyard is littered with moaning ponies and wreckage strewn about.
>Only one person is able to collect his senses enough to stand back up.
>Wobbling for a moment, he punches the air fiercely.
>"Haha, I win! What do I get?"
>Everyone is too busy writhing in pain to answer him.
>Slouched over the shattered hull of a carriage, mane and uniform askew, you can only think of one thing.
>You need a drink.

>"A little lower please."
>Following Cookies' instructions, you move your hands down and gently knead the flesh there.
>You're rewarded with a slight whine as you massage the knot there.
>Instead of just your nightly cuddles, Cookies came to your cell for one of your masterful human massages.
>Even in technicolor pony land, being a guard pony was a stressful job.
>Being the top guard also meant she had to deal with the most stress.
>Second only to the Warden, but that was mostly due to you.
>Hooves weren't the best and Cookies couldn't afford the salons that had minotaur or griffon masseuses on a guard's salary.
>Fortunately for her, she had you to help her unwind now.
>After relaxing the muscles in that spot, you move to another section on her back only to run into yet another knot.
>You frown down at her.
"You're a bit more tense than usual. Is there something going on?"
>Cookies let's out a sigh.
>"A whole new batch of inmates came in earlier this week. And they all have to be processed and settled in. I have to handle most of the load since /someone/ put almost half of the force in the infirmary."
>Cookies leaned her head back to glare at you.
>He cough as you look to the side.
"...they'll heal."
>"Anyway, they're a pretty rowdy bunch. It's been a pain in the flank having to deal with them."
>You punch a fist into your palm.
"You want me to help 'mellow' them out?"
>She looks back at you with an amused smile.
>"I don't think the infirmary could handle that much damage, but thanks."
>She scooches backwards into your torso with a sigh.
>"I could really use a day-off though."
>You wrap your arms around her, placing your chin on top of her head.
"You sure I can't do something?"
>"Mmm, just make sure to give me extra-snuggly cuddles this week."
"Whoo~, how lewd Ms.Top Guard."
>Chuckling for a good while, you both settle down into a comfortable silence.
>You stare off at the far wall as you idly rub one of her forehooves.
>Although your face is mostly blank, the gears in your head are turning...

>You are Cookies n' Cream
>You drop the quill for the dozenth time to give your sore gums a break.
>It's times like this that you wished you were an unicorn.
>They were more suited for this kind of work.
>You glare at the clock hanging on the wall, trying to will it to move.
>The large influx of inmates also brought with them a ton of paperwork.
>You've always had to deal with stressful situations but this week was getting to you.
>It was killing your sleep schedule.
>Only your nightly rendezvous with Anon helped put you at ease.
>But there was only so much those magical fingers of his could do.
>A knock from your office door interrupts your internal whining.
>Happy for the distraction, you swivel your chair towards the door.
"Come in!"
>The door swings open to reveal-
"Anon?"
>Your coltfriend checks the hallway of any witnesses before entering and locking the door behind him.
>Without saying a word, he walks across the office toward you and bends down to give you a kiss on your lips.
>The tension in your body melts away as you get lost in his lips.
>After a while, he disconnects and grins at you.
>"I have concocted a brilliant plan! Wanna hear it?"
>Your muzzle drops into a frown.
>It's never good when Anon made plans.
"...what is it?"
>His voice lowers into an excited whisper.
>"Let's go...on a date!"
>...
>Oh.
>Well, that's okay.
>Actually, that sounds pretty great.
>You'll just have to be discreet.
"Sure! Where do you want to go? Library, pool? The drama club has a play scheduled this evening."
>"I was thinking of something a little more on the ritzy side. Say, like Canterlot?"
>You snort while rolling your eyes.
"Sounds great. 'Hey Warden, me and Anonymous are going to take a day in Canterlot. Don't wait up!'" 
>You giggle at the pout on Anon's face.
>"I'll have you know I've already thought of a solution to that."
>Oh, this'll be good.
>You smirk up at him.
"And what would that be?"
>With a matching smug expression, he leans down and whispers in your ear.
"I'm going to take you hostage."