>Be Anon >You are in prison >You are being led by a tiny talking horse with wings >You only arrive 8 hours ago and now you are heading to a maximum security prison for something stupid >You were walking home from a long day at your job when you tripped and fell into a ditch >You must have blacked out and started dreaming because you KNOW there are no forests where you live >After walking around and trying everything from flying to destroying the universe you finally convince yourself that you aren't dreaming >After finally exhausting your energy you looked through your pockets >Digging around in your pockets you find a lighter, a 8-ounce Bottle of scotch and a roll of toilet paper >Seeing the toilet paper you realize you haven't taken a deuce in 4 days >You run behind the nearest bush pull your pants around your ankles and drop a log. >Unrolling some of the toilet paper you begin to wipe the dysentery from your anal cavity, being careful not to get aroused by the wiping of your butthole >Pulling up your pants and putting the now noticeably smaller roll back in your pockets you turn around to throw the toilet paper away and see... "the fuck?!" >... >..... >....... >There are six colorful horses coming closer behind you... >And a dirt road... >How the fuck did you not notice that! >As the colorful horses come closer you, you notice that they are quite small standing just about your mid-thigh >".......rrrrrrrrrrr...." >A low growling noise is made from a creature to your left >As you turn to look you see a set of yellow eyes peer out from behind the bush you just defecated on. >"grrrrrrrr...." >Another low growling this time behind you. > Deciding you have nothing better to do you begin to do the dance of your people > Looks like those martial arts you took in Brazil will finally come in handy >You start of with some simple swaying motions and begin flailing your arms >The beats in the bush begin to come out and you see.. >... >..... >....... >brain.exe has shutdown. Restart? Y/N >Y >.... >whatthefuckisgoingon.wav >Oh yeah >You were acting like a sperg and then a creature that looked like a chimera came out of the bushes >well it looks like its... >OSHITNIGGERWTF!WHYDOESTHATEXIST!WTFISGOINGON!WHYISTHISHAPPEINGTOME!WHATDIDIDOTODESERVERTHIS!DEARGODWHY!WTFBBQ! >There is a creature standing in front of you >It has the head and body of a lion, the tail of a scorpion, and a set of bat wings. >Even though the thing only came up to your chest, that stinger looked like it could do some damage, if not for the teeth and claws. >"Grrrrrrrrrrr.....grrrrrrrr" >The beast growls before running at you, flapping its useless wings >Deciding now is a good time to run you sprint down the path in a manner that would make a Kenyan jealous. > Running faster than you ever have before you keep going and... > face-plant in the dirt because you weren't looking where you were going and tripped on the little white horse. >You pick yourself up and look at the now crying horse. >Crying horse >Ok now you aren't even sure if you are on the same planet. >Looking around you decide to.... >Opening the bottle you fill your mouth with scotch and your lungs with air >Taking out the lighter and flicking it open you press down on the flint until you get a flame >Lifting the lighter to your mouth you spew flames forward at the last second >The beast has no time to avoid your six-foot alcoholic fire breath of death >Oh god >Your face is burning! >Flicking the lighter closed you let the flames disperse before spitting out the rest of the scotch >Inhaling a breath of air you look at the now flaming beast running in circles >Hey uh Anon this is your brain uh that beast is on fire >Yeah i know >Oh ok do you think we can eat it? >I dunno maybe, why? >Cause we haven't eaten since this morning. o ok >Looking around you find the little horses comforting the white one >You make your way over and >*snap* >A twig snaps under your foot >OHSHITNIGGER!WTFBBQ >The little horses form a semi circle around you >The then begin to whinny and knicker... >Look at the one currently in front of you, You notice a horn and a magenta stripe. >Ok then so unicorns exist here >looking at the little horse next to it you see wings and... >Some kind of blue gay pride pegasus >Ok then so you are in a forest with unicorns and pegasuses, pegasii? pegasi? who cares how you pronounce it. You live in Armarillo so there are very few forests. >You also graduated the first grade so you know that unicorns and pegasi are NOT real. >You look back to the purple unicorn in front of you and notice its horn glowing >Your vision quickly becomes purple and then returns to normal. >The purple horse looks at you like something was supposed to happen >You stare back at the purple horse and wonder what the fuck that light was "hey umm..." >Brain: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! >I'm trying to talk to a purple horse >Brain:WELL STOP! >Ok just don't yell >Brain: Ok now lets take a look at what is around us >Looking around you see you are surrounded by horses, unicorns and pegasi > There are two unicorns in front of you, a pegasus to your left, a pink horse to your right and behind you an orange horse. The yellow one looks like its crying over the beast >The purple unicorn in front of you is standing protectively in front of the white horse >Brain: Take a closer look at the white one >Looking closer you see a scrape on its elbow and a horn on it's head. >Ok so a unicorn >And it has a scraped elbow >And you are surrounded by colorful horses >And now the purple ones eyes are glowing white... >And now it is levitating. >and now there is a tiara on its head! >AND NOW ALL THE OTHER HORSES HAVE NECKLACES >ANDNOWTHEYAREALLLEVITATINGAND GLOWING ANDBLASTINGYOUWITHABIGSCARYBEAMOFLIGHT >Your life is flashing before your eyes and it's BORING >Oh wait nothing happened huh... >Well then... >Brain:Hey uh Anon? >Yeah? >Brain:Well I thought you should know that the Orange horse has decided to kick you >Oh ok. thanks brain! You can take a nap now if you want >Be Cadence >You are in bed right now reading your favorite novel. >Your husband is off doing husband things and you are here in bed reading >Being the princess of love is hard work! >Reading through the book it gets to the most suspenseful part! >Berry Tart just told Pastry Cutter that she was being mean! >Oh my! >Pastry Cutter just apologized to Berry Tart >And then they became friends again! >Wow that was a long book! >It was a whole 28 pages! "hhhhmmm...." >You sigh in content. "I can't wait till the next book!" >a guard runs into your room >"Your grace! Shining armor has a booboo on his left elbow!" >Oh no! >Booboos were serious! >It could really hurt! "Bring me to him!" >The guard nods his head and escorts you to the Clinic >A bright flash of light catches your eye and you look to the right. >There is a large amount of love and harmony coming from that direction >And a large rainbow >You shrug it off as just The Elements of Harmony doing their job >Entering the clinic you see your husband with a HUGE bandage on his elbow >The bandage was about the size of your cutie mark! "Ooh shinny..." >Your husband looks at you with tears in his eyes. >That booboo must hurt REALLY REALLY bad "I'm...*sniff*...so...sorry" >Brain? >Brain:Yes cadence? This is Brain. >What would Beary Grylls do in this situation? >Brain: Probably drink her own pee >Ok what would she do after that? >Brain:Comfort the injured person. >Walking over to your husband you give him a pat on the back >He stops crying and looks at you >"Thanks Cadence!" >For now >Comfort >Later >Snuggles >l-lewd >Be Rarity >Your friend Twilight just stopped by >She began to chat your head off about strange lights coming from the Everfree "Twilight while I do think that exploring is fun I just can't go! All these orders won't make themselves!" >"But Rarity! The princess sent a letter that demands all of us go!" "What ever do you mean by all of us?" >"Argh! Weren't you listening? The Everfree is extremely dangerous! We need all of the elements to be there in case all the lights in the forest are some kind of super villain! >Picking up your needle carefully you thread the string through. >You had to take 3 years of classes to learn how to use a needle and thread in a way that you wouldn't get a booboo! >When you finally graduated you were so happy! >Gathering some cloth you decide now is a good time to work >"And...Minotuars....Zigger.....Forest.....BMTH.....Stalliongrad....Princess...Come.... >As you continue your work you tune twilight out and hum a little tune to yourself https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfCMRk-osJ8 "♪If your happy and you know it clap your hooves♫" >The sudden burst of song magic kicks in and you sing as you work >Even twilight forgets what she was talking about for a moment and sings with you >"♫♪ If your happy and you know it blink your eyes ♪♪♫ >As the other elements show up everyone dances and sings for a good 4 minutes >Be Twilight >The princess sent you a letter about strange lights from the everfree! >After getting the group together you head to the library >You probably should have packed your things before getting the group together >Getting your book on medical treatment. The pages in this one are very thin for a book! >The plastic is only about 1/16th of an inch! >If you aren't careful you could get a booboo! >Kind of ironic for a book about booboos... >Opening up the first page you read through the book >You need 8 band-aids, and some... >You do a double-take >Hydrogen Peroxide! >You still have nightmares about this stuff! >Putting everything together you place it all in a White box with a red plus on it. >Ok you are ready to go! >Walking toward the forest you all stop and stand there for a good minute >this place is SO scary! >The light is at least 10% dimmer than it is out in the open! >Its SO SO scary! >Hey Brain? >Brain: ummmmm >Yeah it's so scary you cant think straight! >R:"Darling....are you sure that the letter is from the princess? It could be some criminal P..Pr..PRANKING us!" >What?! No way! It had the princess' seal and everything! "No...It has the seal!" RD:"Well...check the letter again!" PP:"second" AJ: "Ah agree!" >Wait...where did pinkie get the jumpsuit and mustache? >And why does it say "Scruffy" >Hmm...oh well its just Pinkie! "Lets just investigate and get this over with!" >Starting down the path everypony walks in a single-file line behind you. >You hear a growling from up ahead and continue to walk albeit as a cluster this time >You smell it before you see it >Oh Celestia... >What is that awful stench! >It smell worse than Spike's sheets in the morning! >And you would know! >He wets the bed! >The growling gets louder the further you walk down the path >And the smell just get's stronger and worse the farther you go! >Then you see it... >In the distance >A large green creature crouching over a bush and... >oh... >oh Celestia! >Its discharging a brown liquid from a hole in it! >Walking closer and ignoring the smell you see it stand up and pull some kind of... >Is that cloth? >No... it cant be! >Its a Minotaur! >As your group walks closer you notice a rustling coming from the red and brown bush... >You look on in horror as a Manticore emerges from the bush! >ummm brain? You there? >Brain: uh yeah this is Brain, um, in not here right now. leave a message and I will get back to you *beep* >Aw c'mon Brain! I need you! >Brain: lol nope! >Well then... >As your internal monolouge ends >You look up and see... >The green minotaur is... >Dancing? >Yes...it's dancing... >Wait it stopped... >And now... >OSHITZIGGERWTF!WHYDOESTHATEXIST?!WTFISGOINGON?!WHYISTHISHAPPEINGTOME?!WHATDIDIDOTODESERVERTHIS?!DEARCELESTIAWHY?!WTFBBQ! >The green minotuar is charging toward you! >um...Brain now is a good time to, you know, do your job! >Brain:Ummmmmmmm...NOPE! >Well then... >As the green minotuar runs you are standing still in shock your body like stone. >The minotuar keep running and Barrels into Rarity! >???:"ow the edge" >What? >You look at the green minotuar and realize something... >It has no fur! >And it has no horns! >???:"lol u wot m8?" >W..what? >R:"[High-Pitched Horse Screaming Noises] >Oh Sweet Celestia, Rarity has a Booboo! >Trotting over to look at it you see the booboo on her elbow! >Oh no! >That mean green not-minotuar just hurt Rarity! >???:"pls leev. im tryn 2 fap" >You look at the booboo then pull out the book as a reference >Reading through you decide to just put a band-aid on it. >What is THAT noise? >You look up and see >THE MANTICORE IS CHARGING AT EVERYONE >OHSHITZIGGER! >You get in front of Rarity in a defensive position >Manticores give the WORST booboos! >They even eat other things! >That means they are monsters! >You look at the charging manticore and... >Your veiw is obscured by a large wall of flame! >The heat of the fire burns your eyes! >You look at the source and see... >The mean green not-minotaur is spewing flames! >He is probably being burnt. >That's what he gets for giving Rarity a booboo! "Girls! Get behind me!" >The other elements get behind you and you erect a shield around everyone "Ok girls we just need...to...what is that smell?" >It smells terrible! >Combine this smell with the smell from earlier and you could burn the fur off a parasprite! >AJ:"umm Twailaght...Tha flames have stopped...ya can lower ya shield now." >FS:"oh my...um twilight please lower the shield...I mean..if you want too...that is..." >Lowering your shield only makes the smell stronger! >Fluttershy flies over to the injured manticore and begins to speak comforting words >NM:"lol get rekt scrub" >You turn your attention back to the not-minotaur >You look over at the green not-minotaur and see... >IT KILLED THE MANTICORE! >THE MANTICORE WAS IN THE FIRE! >OH GOD YOU ARE FREAKING OUT >OK JUST DEEP BREATHS! >Calming down you stare at the not-Minotaur "Girls form a moon shape around the green monster!" >Doing as you say you charge up your horn in an attempt to stun the Not-Minotaur >It did nothing! >This must be one tough monster! >Its looking at you and Rarity! >Umm Brain? >Brain: Uh yeah its me I'm here. >What do I do! >Brain:Well um whats going on? I've been gone for a little while. >We are in the Everfree and there is a big green monster >Brain:... >Brain? >Brain: um... hang on... Oh use the Elements of Harmony on it! >... >That might just be enough to stop the green monster before it eats everyone! "Girls! Get in a circle we need to use the elements on it!" >RD:"Way ahead of ya!" >AJ:"Alright! That ther critter gonna eat all us lil ponies!" >R:"That BEAST is so uncouth! It tried to kill me!" >PP:"WEEEEEEEE" >FS:"[Crying horse noises] M...maybe we should talk to it...it /seems/ intelligent...I mean..if you want that is..." "No time get ready!" >Your eyes glow and you begin to levitate, the power of friendship and harmony [spoiler]A redditor's Asshole and Faggotry[/spoiler] flow through you! >The friendship beams collides with the beast! >... >ITS NOT GOING DOWN! >OHSHITITSLOOKINGATMEHWATDOIDO?! >Standing your ground if front of Rarity you see it put a small metal object in it's...pouch? >No >It's on the side so... >A pocket? >Well then... >Umm brain? >Brain: Yeah? >It didn't work! >Brain: Impossible! Nothing can beat the elements of harmony, unless they are immune to magic, which is highly unlikely. >... >repeat that last part... >Brain: Unless they are immune to magic, which is highly unlikely... >yeah.. >Brain:... >Brain:.... >Brain: Ok so it's immune to magic just try blunt force! >Thanks brain! "Girls! Its immune to magic! >RD:"What? No way! >What do you do? >Be Anon >You are surrounded by little horses that just tried to fry you with a rainbow >And they are getting closer! >You read online once that if horses are feel threatened then they will attack. >The first one to reach you is the purple one >It jumps in the air and tries to knock you over... >You jump to the left avoiding the purple unicorn. >That horn nearly impaled you! >Damn son! >You hear a squealing behind you and turn to see the pink horse jump at you. >No time to dodge >Making a fist you punch that thing in the face! >*ACHIEVEMENT GET! TIME TO STRIKE!* >Turning to your left you take a blue pegasus to the gut. >OHSHITNIGGER its got you in a death grip! >Lifting your knee you catch it in the gut >The blue pegasus goes toward your face and you take a wing to the face. >Oh god this tickles! "achoooo!" >... >..... >The little ponies are everywhere >You didn't know your sneeze was THAT powerful >Huh... >Well then. >Walking away from the scattered horses you begin down the path that the little horses came down. >Maybe you will find a farm if you go far enough >If there are horses then there is a farm. >And if there is a farm then there are people. >Walking down the path you come to an unusual sight a wall of gold and blue. >Getting closer you see they are all horses. >White and black horses at that >And behind the thigh-high wall of Armored horses stand the horses that attacked you earlier along with a big white unicorn with a really long horn. >Stopping about 15 yards from the wall of flesh and metal you watch the Big White unicorn unfurl its wings... >Wings... >It has a horn and wings... >... >.... >..... >So its a unisus? Or is it a pegicorn? >You are interrupted by a loud neighing and see the wall of Horses lower spears at you >OHSHITNIGGER >Those spears aren't very big but they look like they could do some damage! >Another loud noise jerks you from your internal monologue >OHSHITNIGGER THEY ARE CHARGING >What do you do?! >hmm.. >oh! >You picture a small lightbulb over your head as you make a makeshift molotov >Pulling out your lighter you flick it open and and press down on the flint until you get a flame >Lighting the toilet paper you prepare to throw the shitty fire-grenade >Bringing your arm back as far as you can you throw the crappy firebomb >It flies through the air and lands 25 feet in front of you. >A bad throw >A REALLY bad throw >But it seems to have halted the advance of the armored horses for a little while. >Looking at the horses you realize you need should probably hide the lighter >Closing the lighter and stopping the flames you pull down your pants >Shoving the lighter in your anus you pull up your pants >As the flames die out you stare at the line of guards with their melting plastic spears >Melting plastic... >You wasted some good scotch on a silly firebomb! >The burning rage of 1000 Autists flows through your veins! >Screaming like Oliver Sykes you run at the little horses https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FINPg7-w6yg "FUCK!" >Barreling into the little horse you knock the first two away with a shoulder charge. "FUCKING HORSES! MADE ME WASTE DAMN GOOD SCOTCH!" >"Nyeeehehhe" >A sudden impact on your knee makes you look down >??? >!!! >One of those fuckers just poked you! >You kick him away >Two more horses take his place >You kick them away but it doesn't matter >Every time you kick a horse two more take its place! >You are being overwhelmed! >Oh god they.... >They're... >Hugging you?! >What... >The pressure around you lifts and you are restrained with rope. >The white unisus approaches you and touches your head with her horn. >And a multitude of information flows into your head >As the horn is taken away from your head you hear what sounds like someone talking >PC:"It should be able to talk now. Ask it something Twilight" >TS:"umm are you sure?..." >What? >Are those horses talking? >No they can't be >Horses don't talk >Do they? >TS:"Hi um can you talk?" >Ok so horses can talk "Whorse" >TS:"w..what?" "Whorse" >TS:"H..HEY!" "Eat shit and die!" >WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING! >YOU DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY ANY OF THAT "Asses and Zigger's need to hang from trees!" >The purple unicorn runs away and begins crying >PC:"Creature! I will not have this language in my kingdom!" "Go copulate with a changeling you whorse" >WTF IS A CHANGELING >AND WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP SAYING SHIT LIKE THAT! >G1:"Your majesty! I propose we give the creature 4 spankings for foul language and assault!" >PC:"No we will put it on trial!" >G2:"Would you like me to fetch a carriage your majesty?" >PC:"Yes please. Fetch a carriage immediately. Then escort the creature to the ponyville courthouse." >G1:"Yes your highness" >You can feel the ropes on your hands and feet being untied "Fuck you!" >A slight nudging is felt on your left calf >G2:"Please don't speak to the princess that way!" >G3:"Put the quiet time necklace around him!" >All the horses let out a collective gasp at this. "Fuck off Filly-Fiddler" >The guard looks at you and runs off crying >Well then your screwed. >what is the sentence for assault and 2 counts of harassment? >Oh yeah its about 12 months minimum >When you reach the town the first thing you notice is that there are a lot of horses >They are running stalls, baking sweets, yelling, screaming, playing, and talking. >Talking! >PC:"We are here! Guard....What was your name again?" >Ummm... >G2"It's Bronze Javelin your majesty!" The guard replies puffing out his chest >What a weird name, yet oddly fitting for a guard. >PC"Take the creature inside and wait for Brief Case to arrive" >Why are they waiting for a brief case? >Oh wait... >This is a court house... >So that means you get a representative right? >BJ:"Right away Princess! Please move creature! We are going inside so you can hear the charges against you." "Fuck you!" >Ok that time you MEANT to say that. >You have watched enough cop shows to know that when you go in there you will be gang raped by at least 8 people, while the guards watch. "Fuck you!" >BJ:"there is no need to be this belligerent! If you accept responsibility for hat you have done the Judge may be lenient with your sentence!" "I raped your mother today!" >BJ:"-sniff- Why are you saying these mean things to me?" >The guard begins to cry >Aww shit! Its not your fault! That stupid white unisus did this to you! >???:"Hey why are you crying?" >BJ:"Thi...Thi...The...-sniff- creature...is so MEAN!" >???"Well lets get inside the courthouse. There are emergency churros in there" >BJ:"-sniff-o...okay..." >???:You creature! Come with me! you need to apologize!" "Fuck you!" >???:"Do you know who I am?! I am The Judge!" "I will snuggle your children!" >TJ:"WHAT?!" "I will pet you!" >TJ"We need a unicorn!" >A sound like coconuts being clapped together comes from your left >TS:"You called for me?" >TJ:"Twilight. We need you to teleport us all into the court room!" >The purple unicorn from before closes her eyes and you are all enveloped in a purple teleports you all into the court room. >The Judge walks up to the podium and addresses the horses around him. >JD:"Alright this Court of Equestria is now in session! Creature, you stand accused of Assault and using Type-3 swear words! How do you plead?" "I WILL SKULLFUCK YOU! RIGHT IN THE EYE!" >The collective Jury gasps at the language that spews from your mouth. "YOU BETTER LUBE UP THAT TIGHT LITTLE EYEBALL! BECAUSE I WILL SKULLFUCK YOU!" >Recovering from shock the judge reads the sentence >TJ:"creature of unknown origin! We find you guilty of All said charges! you will be sentenced to 2 weeks in prison!" >The judge slams his foam gavel on the podium >NOOOOO >wait... >2 WEEKS?! >Thats... >Really not so bad... >The sentence causes an uproar in the court >P1:"Thats too long!" >P2:"No Pony has ever Survived that long" >P3:"This is unjust!" >P4:"We demand a retrial!" >You are the only purple unicorn in the court room so you must be Twilight >You look on as the creature is escorted away >It spews profanity as it gets led away. >C:"FUCK YOU, YOU WHORSE-FUCKING ZIGGER! >How rude! >PC:"Twilight may I talk to you?" >Oh no the princess wants to talk to you! >Maybe she is mad because you Tried to use Combat Snuggles on that Creature! >Maybe she is mad because your hair is 1 centimeter too short! "Yes Princess?" >PC:"Have you ever seen a creature like this one before?" "N..no" >Be Uncle Incognito >You are in Pony Prison >The reason you are here is unknown to you >You walked through a statue while drunk and ended up in horse land >The first thing you vaguely remember is being zapped by a big blue horse with wings and a horn >Then you remember the horse talking >Then you remember pulling out a dragon dildo and waving it in front of the horse >And then you tried to shove the dildo into its anus. >Long story short you are in prison In a black suit for attempted assault >They let you keep the dildo though, so that's a plus! >Be anon >Be 5 minutes away from the outside of Pony jail >You ended up with two weeks here for harassment and Assault >You also have a lighter in your anus and its really uncomfortable to sit down >Because of the lighter you are walking with 2 pony guards in front of you >G1:"So what do you think they will do to him in there?" >G2:"Probably horrible things!" >G1:"I don't want to think about it!" >G2:"Me too" >Both the guards shudder and you do too >If this prison is as bad as the ones back home then you know what you need to do. >Avoid soap dropping in the showers, don't talk to anyone, don't just sit wherever >All that stuff >G2:"We are here!" >you look up and see... >Disneyland... >It's Disneyland >This is what they are so scared of? >you can see a Roller Coaster! >A fucking Roller Coaster! "Ziggers fuck whorses!" >???:"What a mouth on this one!" >You look back to the entrance an see... >A Minotuar... >???:"Hello there Creature! You are now my Prisoner! My name is Iron Belt Welcome to Canterlot Penitentiary" >The fuck... "Fuck!" >IB:"What language! Please refrain from using it here!" "Eat a Brick!" >IB:"Stop it" "FUCK YOU WHORSE!" >IB:"Prisoner stop this! If you continue I WILL be forced to revoke desert privileges for a week!" >The fuck... "Go back to your labyrinth you filly-fiddler" >IB:"Why....Are you so mean!" >???:"Anon!" >You look to you right and see a green horse with black hair walking toward you >On its flank you see... >A green question mark... >???:"Anon...that IS you right?" "Fuck you zigger!" >???:"Wow is that anyway to greet your Uncle Incognito?" >Uncle Incognito "Fuck you" >UI:"Hmmm..." >The green horse claiming to be your uncle walks up to you and kicks to in the thigh. >UI:"hmm...Hey Iron Chastity Belt? I think his Alltounges spell is broken" >Who the fuck is Iron Chastity Belt? >IB:"D..Don't call me by my full name!" >UI:"Yeah yeah! Whatever. Get a unicorn to fix his spell!