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Comments
| Cyrus #1486513 1 week ago |
Not exactly finished./ |
| Cyrus #1486515 1 week ago |
Corrections are welcome |
| Feral_Socks #1486533 1 week ago |
Well done in general. There are a few grammatical errors throughout, and a couple of sentences towards the end are cut off at the end. |
| Ol_Dirty #1486539 1 week ago |
Three critisisms come to mind:
1. You should have gone for a much, much, much more humorous story with the whole "foals-mistake-dick-for-tit" scenario. 2. Squiggly's speech is too coherent for a fluffy pony. 3. Specifying that the pizza was vegan was unecessary. I know it's your headcanon, but it wouldn't have made a difference to the fluffies if there was meat on it. Not in that situation. |
| Splinter17 #1486548 1 week ago |
It's alright so far, not good, not bad either. The male fluffy "nursing" was pretty funny. The story drags on though, and frankly I don't buy Noah snapping and curbstomping his girlfriend so quickly over an animal, fluffy or otherwise, especially when it's mentioned earlier that, while they're not getting along, they're not exactly at each other's throats(then again that's just my opinion of relationships, take that as you will). You should probably look into fixing that. Like, say Noah has previous anger issues?
2.5/5 so far |
| Anonymous #1486560 1 week ago |
@Feral_Socks
Would you be kind enough to point at least some of them out? @Ol_Dirty 1. I'm not into humor scenarios. There is enough of it in fluffy fandom, mostly gross or retarded though 2. Headcannon 3. nope. Besides, I wanted to show Noah as more of a level-headed person |
| Anonymous #1486564 1 week ago |
@1486548
OK, will take into account I know about dragging, and I will try to correct this in future stories (this one is a test) Besides, it's still shorter (probably) than neckbeard's stuff |
| Ol_Dirty #1486572 1 week ago |
^And by level-headed you mean vegan?
Also, do level-headed people usually beat their girlfriends to death? |
| Anonymous #1486576 1 week ago |
^
>vegan Veg = vegetarian I should probably write it clearer >Also, do level-headed people usually beat their girlfriends to death? If they are bitches who beat small animals to death - yes. Not the most logical and thought thing to do, but still - she deserved it |
| Ol_Dirty #1486580 1 week ago |
^You didn't answer this:
By level-headed, do you mean vegan/vegetarian? |
| PandaSennin #1486584 1 week ago |
I do like it that you didn't focus too much on the ''foalcon'' thing and presented it in a mature manner. I also like that you payed attention to the humans characters as well. I'll be looking forward to see more from you. |
| Feral_Socks #1486585 1 week ago |
@Cyrus, cause apparently you got logged out.
Of course. Fourth line down should have replaced the comma with "and" You missed the "one" in "but no-one replied" The past-tense form of "squeeze" is "squeezed" The word "until" pops up several times when a statement would be fine without it. I would recommend, for better story flow, ensuring that each line beginning with ">" should be one full sentence. When a sentence expands beyond one line, drop the symbol. The teenage boy's dialect feels artificial, and his last line seems to be in answer to a question that doesn't exist. Because the paragraph is in present-tense, the second to last line should "land" instead of "landed" Several sentences are missing some form of article, usually "a" or "an" When dealing with only two parties, "another" should be avoided. "The other foal joins quickly." Subject-predicate relation occasionally waver, e.g. "you notices" Two lines in the second-to-last paragraph of part 14 cut off abruptly. I'm sure I could find more, but it's five in the morning here, and I must be getting to sleep. I'm expecting an important package tomorrow. Or today, I guess. |
| Feral_Socks #1486586 1 week ago |
*relations |
| Anonymous #1486588 1 week ago |
>By level-headed,
Somewhat, yes. inb4: hurr-durr, you are wrong. ------------- btw: I won't take shit from abusefags |
| Anonymous #1486596 1 week ago |
@PandaSennin
Thanks! Will do. @Feral_Socks Thank you very much! I shall do it in accordance with your list Should I start new lines with capitals? It's greentext so I'm not sure |
| Anonymous #1486601 1 week ago |
>got logged out
I'm using proxy at the moment, and it lags like hell |
| Anonymous #1486627 1 week ago |
@Anon1486588 ^^^
btw: hurr-durr, prefers to drink his delicious vegan shitshakes out of the anuses of Carrot, Pwinkie, and Buwwito. |
| PanzerKunst #1486663 1 week ago |
Cyrus, by reveling in the brutal murder of an abuser (by their boyfriend, no less), you're kind of being the exact same kind of douchebag as those who revel in the thought of abusing small, retarded demisapients.
By your own standards, you're an "abusefag" who is "quenching your autism". Grow the fuck up. Because there's nothing worse than viciousness that pretends to virtue. |
| Anonymous #1486740 1 week ago |
^ Read the story. The guy was freaking tired of his girl
>being the same OK, your friend just admitted to brutally destroying something you like just because it tried showed slight sympathy to her. And she even laughed at the memory of doing this I would beat the bitch if she presented no mitigating explanation. >abusefag I'm only interested in revenge. I don't like uncalled violence, but I don't mind avenging someone. |
| Cyrus #1486748 1 week ago |
@486740 is me, obviously. |
| TedJackson #1486777 1 week ago |
killing fluffies is avenging their affront to god® |
| The_Mungoman #1486782 1 week ago |
The abusers talk as if they came straight out of a PSA.
Also, the foal giving him a BJ was... horrifying. Try again, Cyrus. The idea is a little dated, surely you can do better. |
| Anonymous #1486822 1 week ago |
Man, that took a dark turn in the final part. I still kinda want to see where this goes, though. |
| Cyrus #1486842 1 week ago |
@Mungoman
>PSA What is this? >Try again, Cyrus. The idea is a little dated Because it is based on old shitty edit of coalheart's drawing @1486822 >dark turn Last minute thought, actually |
| Anonymous #1486887 1 week ago |
Typical Luvboxfag, using Fluffy Ponies an excuse to abuse people. |
| Cyrus #1486922 1 week ago |
^  |
| Wilhelm_II_Kaiser #1487009 1 week ago |
Well...
It's good. But beating his girlfriend? Cyrus, you don't like fluffies been abused, by why the beating of a drunk women? The hitting her once from anger I understand. But kicking her and stomping on her? Don't you see, you have become like those that you hate. |
| Wilhelm_II_Kaiser #1487014 1 week ago |
Carefull Cyrus.
Fluffy pony, at the start was cute. Then attacks from anger. Then gorefest. You have the cute, and a last second anger attack. Be carefull dude, or you'll end up writing Human abuse. |
| Anonymous #1487017 1 week ago |
Congrats, Cyrus - you have absolutely no right to criticize any story for its writing ever again. |
| Cyrus #1487029 1 week ago |
@1487009
Last minute addition Ok , i'll drop it partially |
| Cyrus #1487034 1 week ago |
The dark gods demanded her death and Noah complied. Just kidding. |
| Ferrotter #1487071 1 week ago |
This was actually a pretty decent story overall. I think the fluffy characters are interesting and well developed, and would not want to see them harmed. My main complaint is a serious deviation from canon that stung my suspension of disbelief and made the remainder of the story harder to take seriously or enjoy fully.
If you look at the image this is based on: >>189474 You can see that both Squiggly and the green foal at least are smeared with their own waste upon their asses and tails. Also, the green foal at least has clearly defecated within the nest area. The part where Squiggly a) tells them to go poopies and peepees outside the nest, b) to rub their poopie pwaces on the wall to clean themselves after, and c) the foals actually listen and do either, doesn't fit the source material. Moreover, while getting a blowjob makes you feel like you got super powers at the time, it doesn't in fact result in super powers. For Squiggly to have had the intellect and sense of cause and consequences to have even considered wiping after poopies, which no other fluffy pony has ever considered in all of recorded history, moves him dangerously close to Mary Sue territory. I for one like Squiggly and do not want to see him ruined with super powers of reasoning that are unbefitting his species (and clearly deviate from his origin) for no particular reason. That he is a good fluffy who saved two innocent foals is enough. |
| Cyrus #1487088 1 week ago |
@1487071
I never said I'm gonna stick completely to the source material, because source IS a shitty edit >which no other fluffy pony has ever considered in all of recorded history, On the rocks fic - not exactly wiping, but mare was healing her special place after bad special hugs >wiping His owner taught him |
| Ferrotter #1487095 1 week ago |
OK, I'll buy that his owner taught him. |
| Anonymous #1487688 1 week ago |
Meh, it's okay, I give it a 3/5. Mostly the ending seems out of place and preachy. |
| Anonymous #1487689 1 week ago |
Too much faggotry in this story. Have something cute.
 |
| Ironweaver #1488139 1 week ago |
<img src="http://img651.imageshack.us/img651/5661/doyouwishafrankevaluati.gif"/> |
| Ironweaver #1488163 1 week ago |
Fuckit, I though HTML was supposed to work on this site. |
| Anonymous #1488365 1 week ago |
Here you go Ironweaver. |
| Cyrus #1488385 1 week ago |
makes_me_want_to_hurl tag. I admit, I lolled |
| Anonymous #1488410 1 week ago |
You constantly say Ginger Fig is a crappy writer, but he's able to write stories with unsuspected outcomes. Killing the girlfriend like that was a tad typical for you. |
| Ironweaver #1488726 1 week ago |
Okay, for the actual review. This gets off to a promising start which is unfortunately wasted when the writer decides to gross us out by having the babies mistake Squiggly's junk for teats. Hint: being disgusting and perverse is a poor substitute for actual creativity.
The story continues in this tiresome vein for a while, before changing to POV of Helen, a character how has absolutely no purpose to the story. Fucking filler, how does it work?! Switching back to Squiggly, we see him meeting Noah, and we learn more about him. Amanda show up and mentions that she kicked Squiggly, which causes Noah to have a psychotic breakdown and beat her into unconsciousness. What the flying fuck. Not only is the story bizarre and disjointed (plus most readers do not want to read about the writers sexual fetishes), but the formatting is crap. It's divided into short parts, which is redundant as there already are chapters (typically if there are parts they are divided into chapters, e.g. Crime and Punishment). Not to mention the "Expand by inserting another section" bit, which really has no business being there. Was this even proofread at all? In short: it's garbage, but forgettable garbage. |
| Cyrus #1489059 1 week ago |
@1488726
Obvious trolling, but I'm gonna reply. 1. >being disgusting and perverse is a poor substitute for actual creativity I mentioned in comments that this is based on shitty edit of coalheart's work, in which foals suck on stallion's penis 2.>Helen What part of INCOMPLETE are you not getting? I don't introduce characters just for lulz 3. >Squiggly 1. I should change this name, it's freaking annoying 2. She kicked MARE, not him Too much trolling, won't bother replying to the rest of your post |
| Cyrus #1489064 1 week ago |
Story was only posted for readers to see what to expect |
| Anonymous #1489081 1 week ago |
How's he trolling? Constructive criticisms, something you never give to other people, isn't trolling. Like what you do to dark fluffy fics Cyrus he could have just insulted your fic and moved on. Don't pull out the troll card just because someone's being fair yet all's you can do is cry wolf. |
| Anonymous #1489112 1 week ago |
^ I've already pointed out. If someone is not into reading comprehension, I'm not the one to blame
Also: implying that "-4" score isn't here to troll me |
| Anonymous #1489150 1 week ago |
Do you just love showing your ego is almost as big as Chris-Chans, Cyrus? |
| Anonymous #1489166 1 week ago |
Nope. I just want unbiased review, not trolling. Read the comments |
| Anonymous #1489599 1 week ago |
Obviously shit. But shit inspired by cocksucking an abuser's cock.
 |