>Day This Is Not Lordran in Equestria.
>You are Havel The Rock.
>And this is most certainly not Lordran.
>It's too bright.
>Too colorful.
>It angers you.
>You hate it.
>And what you hate even more is magic.
>And Seath the Scaleless.
>It was probably his doing that you were here.
>This angers you further.

>Three small horses stand in front of you.
>They are not colorful.
>This pleases you.
>They have wings of bats, which could be the result of magic.
>This angers you!
>"Hi!"
>One speaks.
>You kneel down to its eye-level.
>All three of them have slitted eyes.
>"My name is Echo!"
>The dark blue-haired one accosts you.
"My name is Havel The Rock of Thorolund, ex-Bishop of the Way of the White Covenant, now loyal knight to his glorious Sun, Lord Gwyn."
>"Glorious Sun?"
>The dark turquoise-haired one speaks.
>"Do you mean Princess Celestia?"
>You shake your head, your large helmet not revealing this.
"No, I do not mean that. I mean Lord Gwyn."
>"Apologies, sir. My name is Midnight, and the p0ny you just spoke to is Speck."
>You sigh loudly and pick up your Dragon Tooth and shield.
"Where am I?"
>The first one... Echo, speaks up.
>"Equestria."
"This is not Lordran."
>"Never heard of it."
>You start walking across the field in which you stand.
>"Where are you going?"
>You point into the distance, toward a large mountain with a castle built onto its side.
"That castle."
>Speck screeches and flies in front of you.
>"You're going to Canterlot?! Can we come?!"
>This one is excitable.
>It's endearing.
"Nay, 'tis not a journey such small creatures should make."
>All three of them have a snicker fit.
>Their keekeekee's ring through your helmet.
>"Wow, Mister Havel, you're quite batty aren't you?"
>You look at Echo.
>"That journey's easy! We can wing it!"
>You look at Speck.
>"Pff, that trip ain't no fang."
>You look at Midnight.
>Seath will pay for this.

>You very calmly start walking across the field.
>The three p0nies follow you.
>You stop in front of a large apple tree.
>"Are you already tired, Mister Havel?"
"No, merely... angry."
>You lift your Dragon Tooth and size up the tree.
>You slip your shield onto your back and hold your weapon with both hands.
"Stand back, small horses."
>They take a few steps back and you swing as hard as you can.
>The tree explodes, wooden shrapnel and apples flying everywhere.
>A collective, loud gasp sounds behind you.
>You turn to see all three of them staring wide-eyed at you.
>You step up to them and kneel in front of them.
"NO MORE PUNS, UNDERSTAND?"
>They all nod and whimper.
>You hated Seath.
>You hated magic.
>You hated bright and colorful things.
>And you hated puns and jokes.
>Positive was not a thing you felt.
"Come, we continue our journey."
>You turn and lead them towards Clip-a-clop, or whatever they called it.

>Several hours later, you arrive at the gates of the city.
>The guards glare at you and your companions.
>You would glare at them too, but you were currently focused on the guards.
>"We can't let you in. The Gala is due to start, and the city is closed."
>You turn to the bat p0nies.
>Each one of them now wears an elegant dress.
>You won't ask.
>You will only be angered by this obvious display of magic.
>You turn to the guards and lift your club in anger.
"LET ME THROUGH, OR SO HELP ME LORD GWYN I WILL END YOU."
>The guards' horns glow as they try to assault you with their magic.
"MAGIC DOES NOT HARM HAVEL THE ROCK! HAVEL THE ROCK HARMS MAGIC!"
>You pull out a talisman and cast your Great Magic Barrier miracle.
>You hold your club with two hands and swing it at the guards.
>The first one manages to duck, but the second... not so lucky.
>He screams as he falls down the mountain-side.
"LET ME THROUGH, OR HIS FATE WILL BE YOURS!"
>The guard cowers and opens the gate.
>It doesn't open fast enough for your liking.
>You smash it open with your Dragon Tooth.
>The three bat p0nies cheer and screech as they follow you into the city.
>Speck taps at your helmet and points toward the castle.
>"Come on! We're gonna be late!"
>The bat p0nies speed off.
>You give chase.
>You run fast, despite how heavy your armor is.
>Squats and oats, as they say.

>You come upon the front entrance to the castle.
>More guards stand around the castle's front gardens.
>They pay you no heed.
>The bat p0nies have disappeared into the crowd of other, smaller, more colorful horses.
>Many of them use magic to hold their drinks or food.
>Too many times today, have you been angered.
>You will take this up with Princess Celestia herself.
>And then with Lord Gwyn!
>You walk into the castle.
>A large hallway with a large door on the end of it, and many other entrances lining the sides of the hall.
>The large door at the end is blocked off by guards.
>You approach them.
"Where is Princess Celestia?"
>One guard points behind you, to the third entrance on the right of the hallway.
>You thank the guard and head down that path.
>Another hallway.
>You sigh and start your trek to its end.
>A large room with many ponies, a staircase, and a large white horse with a multicolor mane, and a smaller, but still large, dark blue horse with a mane of stars.
>Obviously the gods of this world.
>You approach them.
>Three small bat p0nies immediately speed past you and latch onto the darker horse.
>You scream at them.
"IS THAT ANY WAY TO TREAT A GOD, YOU RUDE, DESECRATIVE, INSUFFERABLE LITTLE PESTS?!"
>You hold your club up at them, threateningly.
>They back off of the darker horse.
>She thanks you.
>Both of the large horses stare at you, looks of curiosity and fear on their faces.
>You kneel in front of the white one and offer her your hand.
>"No, rise. Who are you?"
>The white one addresses you.
>You stand and clear your throat.
"I am Havel The Rock of Thorolund, ex-Bishop of the Way of the White Covenant, current knight of the glorious Sun, Lord Gwyn of Lordran."
>She has a surprised expression on her face.
>"Glorious Sun? Lord Gwyn? Hmm. I know not of him, but I am the Princess of the Sun, Celestia."
>Princess of the Sun?
>You kneel once again.
"Gwynevere, 'tis an honor to be in thy presence."
>"Gwynevere? No, no. My name is Celestia. Cel-es-tia."
>You stand again.
"How did I get here?"
>She shrugs.
>"I believe we should use a later time to discuss that, and see if we can find a solution. In the mean time, please. Enjoy the festivities."
>Your stomach growls.
>You will not protest to a free meal.
"Very well. I will return soon."
>The three bat p0nies finish harassing the dark horse and follow you.
>They squeal and gossip about having met the Princess of the Night.
>Whatever that means.

>You sit at a large table with a dozen other p0nies and your three companions.
>Echo and Midnight went out into the garden to hunt down small animals.
>They now drank their blood.
>At the table.
>They disgust you.
>Speck, on the other hand, simply ate some fruit.
>She was much quieter than the other two.
>Did it have something to do with her not drinking blood?
>That wasn't your business, nor did you care.
>You picked an apple up and held it to your helmet.
>Several p0nies and Echo stared at you as you smashed it through your helmet's face holes.
>You didn't actually eat the apple.
>You just smashed it against your helmet.
>And you were sustained from it.
>It was not something you questioned.
>It was efficient, as you never had to take your armor off.
>"I say, that is more abhorrent than those two... vile bats drinking blood at the table."
>You stand.
>You turn to the offending horse.
"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT ME, YOU LITTLE HORSE? I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I WAS THE TOP BISHOP IN THE ENTIRE WAY OF THE WHITE COVENANT, AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED IN NUMEROUS SECRET RAIDS ON THE DRAGON SEATH THE SCALELESS, AND I HAVE OVER THREE HUNDRED CONFIRMED HUMANITIES..."
>You start to trail off as you run out of breath, opting to simply flip the massive table.
>"I-I'm very sorry sir, I did not mean to... eep."
>You pick the horse up by its throat and start screaming in its face once again.
"ARE YOU MOTHER FUCKING SORRY!?"
>He tries to nod.
"TOO BAD, YOU INSIGNIFICANT MAGIC-USING PIECE OF DUNG."
>You turn and throw him through the large glass windows behind you.
>Several p0nies start clapping and cheering.
>One walks up to you and places a hoof on your armor.
>"Thank you, dear. Nop0ny likes him."
>You hold your arms out to your sides, palms upturned.
>Midnight floats in front of your face, holding a very large watermelon.
>Don't even think about it.
"Don't you dare."
>She dares.
>She smashes the watermelon into your helmet.
>You can't even be angry.
>You brought that upon yourself.
>The other p0nies that sat at your table begin moving to another room.
>The one with her hoof on your armor says the ball dancing is about to begin.
>All three of your companions scream in unison and start pushing, pulling, and dragging you to the ballroom.

"Absolutely not."
>Echo displays large puppy eyes.
>Speck threatens to cry.
>Midnight huffs and pouts and stomps about.
>You refuse.
>"Pleaaaase Havel?"
"No."
>"Come on, Mister Havel! Please?"
"No!"
>Midnight finally chimes in.
>"Come on. It'll be fun."
"NOOOOOO!!!"
>You hate fun so much.
>It ranks up there with magic.
>You stomp around the ball room, picking up random p0nies and throwing them at other p0nies.
"I hate fun!"
>You throw another.
"I hate dancing!"
>You grab a large ice sculpture and hold it over your head.
"And I especially hate this world!"
>You throw it down and smash it to bits.
"SUN HORSE WHERE ARE YOU! WE HAVE BUSINESS!"
>The large white horse runs into the room.
>"What is all of this noise? Why is the ice sculpture shattered? Why are there p0nies lying on the floor?"
>She looks up at you and raises a brow.
>"Oh. I shouldn't even be surprised. After several thousand years of putting up with everything."
>She sighs and shakes her head.
>"Come with me, Havel."
>You follow her.
>Your companions follow you.

>Both princesses, you, and your companions sit in a small room.
>"You came here with a dimension walking spell."
>MAGIC!
>You roar aloud.
>"My sister and I know a spell that can get you home."
>Praise the sun!
>"But we will only use it on one condition."
"Name it."
>"Take us with you."
>Lord Gwyn would probably enjoy having a horse.
>And you like how the dark one lacks any real color to her.
"Deal."
>"What about us?!"
>Echo pipes up.
"What about you?"
>Speck waves a hoof in front of your helmet.
>"We wanna go on more adventures with you!"
"Absolutely not."
>Celestia chuckles.
>"Oh come now, Havel. I think they'd have fun."
>You sigh.
"Fine. But if you die, it will not be my fault. Remember to tap your bonfires and keep your estus flasks handy."
>Midnight stares at you with a curious look.
>All of them do.
>"Die?"
>"Estrus flask?"
>"Bonfire?"
>This was going to be an absolutely dreadful experience.
>"Ready, Havel?"
>A portal opens up in the middle of the room.
>Lordran.
>Your home.
>And home of Lord Gwyn.
>You step through, all five p0nies following you into Lordran.
>Specifically, the Firelink Shrine.
>And a truly dreadful adventure awaits.