Archive-name: Humour/limerick.txt
Archive-author: 
Archive-title: Limericks


There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
  He once said with a grin
  as he wiped off his chin
"If my ear were a cunt, I would fuck it!"

There once was a kiddie named Carr
Caught a man on top of his mar.
    As he saw him stick 'er
    He said with a snicker,
"You do it much faster than par."

Winter is here with his grouch,
The time when you sneeze and slouch.
    You can't take your women
    Canoein' or swimmin',
But a lot can be done on a couch.

There was a young lady named Maud
A terrible society fraud:
    In company, I'm told
    She was awfully cold.
But if you got her alone, Oh God!

There was a young dolly named Molly
Who thought that to frig was folly.
    Said she, "Your pee-pee
    Means nothing to me,
But I'll do it just to be jolly."

There was a young plumber of Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
    She said, "Stop your plumbing,
    There's somebody coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."

There was a young lady of Twickenham
Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
    On her knees every day
    To God she would pray
To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.

There was a young man of Ostend
Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
    "It's no use, my duck,
    Interrupting our fuck,
For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."

There was a young man of Natal
Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
    Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
    Said he, "You be buggered!
I like to fuck slow, and I shall."

There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
    She replied, " 'Pon my soul,
    You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."

There once was a young girl named Sapphire,
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
	She said,"It's a sin,
	But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

There was a young lady of Exeter,
So pretty, that men craned their necks at her.
    One was even so brave
    As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.

There was a young lady of Gloucester,
Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
    She wasn't much hurt,
    But he dirtied her skirt,
So think of the anguish it cost her.

There was a young man of Ostend
Who let a girl play with his end.
    She took hold of Rover,
    And felt it all over,
And it did what she didn't intend.

Said an innocent girlie named Shelley
as a man rolled her onto her belly
  "This is not the position
  for human coition,
And _why_ the petroleum jelly?"

A visiting scholar at Yale
Was in search of a fresh piece of tail.
  He found in his classes  
  Both girl and boy asses --
Now he spends all his spare time in jail

On a date with a lad, young Miss Flow
When asked for a fuck answered "No!
  You can go second class -- 
  Shove your prick up my ass --
I'm saving my cunt for my beau."

The Grecians were famed for fine art,
and buildings and stonework so smart.
  They distinguished with poise
  The men from the boys,
and used crowbars to keep them apart.

On May Day, the girls of Penzance,
Being bored with the lack of romance,
   Joined the Workers' Parade
   With their banner displayed --
"What the Pants of Penzance need is Ants!"

A lissom psychotic named Jane
Once kissed every man on a train;
   Said she: "Please don't panic!
   I'm just nymphomanic.
It wouldn't be fun were I sane."

There was a young lady called Harris,
That nothing could ever embarrass;
   Till the bath-salts one day
   In the tub where she lay
Turned out to be plaster of Paris.
                               Ogden Nash

Said Freud: "I've discovered the Id.
Of all your repressions be rid.
   It won't ease the gravity
   Of all the depravity,
But you'll know why you did what you did."
                               Frank Richards

Oedipus said to the Sphinx:
"My name's been perverted by shrinks.
   Who'd think Jocasta'd
   Call me a bastard?
I think psychiatry stinks."
                               Victor Gray

From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that echoed for miles.
   Said the Vicar: "Good gracious!
   Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"

A Salvation lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
   As she climbed into bed,
   She rev'rently said:
"I wish to be opened with prayer."

Mr. Alan Jay Learner (with by-play)
Made _Pygmalion_ less of a dry play;
   Seraph Shaw, near hysterics,
   On hearing his lyrics,
Shocked Heaven with: "Not bloody my play!"
                               J.A.Lindon

Said Tennyson: "Yes, _Locksley_Hall's_
A story that always enthralls,
   For it comes down to this --
   She gave me a kiss,
And then a good kick in the balls."
                               Victor Gray

On the chest of a barmaid in Sale
Were tattooed the prices of ale,
   And on her behind,
   For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.

A man from the _Washington_Post_
Once had it off with a ghost;
   At the height of orgasm
   The pale ectoplasm
Shrieked: "Coming! I'm coming...almost!"
                               Anthony Burgess

When he raped a young maid in a train,
They arrested a fellow named Blaine;
   But the ex-virgin cried:
   "That's for me to decide,
And I'd be the last to complain."

"On the beach," said John sadly, "there's such
A thing as revealing too much."
   So he closed both his eyes
   At the ranks of bare thighs,
And felt his way through them by touch."
                               Isaac Asimov

A cautious young fellow named Lodge
Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
  When his date was strapped in,
  He committed a sin,
Without even leaving his grodge.

There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who said to his bird, "You're a tight'un."
  She replied, "'Pon my soul,
  You're in the wrong hole
There's plenty of room in the right'un."

A dentist, young doctor Malone,
Got a charming girl patient alone,
  And, in his depravity,
  Filled the wrong cavity.
God, how his practice has grown.

There was a young woman of Cheadle,
Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
  Said she, "Does it itch?"
  "It does, you damned bitch,
And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."

Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
        "Try as hard as I can,
        I can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with."

There was a young man from Racine
Who invented a fucking machine.
  Concave or convex,
  It served either sex,
But oh what a bitch to keep clean.

An ambitious lady named Harriet
Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
  By seventeen sailors
  A monk and three tailors,
Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.

There was a gay countess of Bray,
And you may think it odd when I say,
  That in spite of high station,
  Rank and education,
She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.

A talented girl from Detroit
Could fuck you in ways quite adroit.
  She could squeeze her vagina
  To a pin-point or finer
Or open it out like a quoit.

There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
        Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
        I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes, I know, love, it's me."

here was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
        His wife was a bitch,
        And she threw the switch,
As Crockett went off like a rocket.

There once was a lawyer named Rex,
With a minuscule organ of sex.
When arraigned for exposure
He maintained with composure,
"De minimis non curat lex."

There was a young lady at sea
Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
  Said the brawny old mate,
  "That accounts for the state
Of the cook and the captain and me."

A widow who fancied a man some
Was diddled three times in a hansome.
        When she clamored for more
        Her young man became sore
And exclaimed "My name's Simson not Samson."

There once was a lady named Myrtle
Who had an affair with a turtle.
  She had crabs, so they say,
  In a year and a day
Which proved that that turtle was fertile.

A handsome young fellow named Morris,
While licking his girlfriend's clitoris,
Said to the lass, ``Honey,
You sure do taste funny.''
Said she, ``I've just douched with Lavoris.''

A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
  To arrest his regard
  She would squat in his yard
And longingly pee in the sneaux.

Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
  How they lift the frock
  And tickle the cock
Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?

There was a poor parson from Goring,
Who made a small hole in his flooring,
  Fur-lined it all round,
  Then laid on the ground,
And declared it was cheaper than whoring.

There was a young man of Lake Placid
Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
  When he wanted to sport
  He would have to resort
To injections of sulphuric acid.

There was a young monk of Dundee
Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
  He said, "Pax vobiscum,
  Now why won't the piss come?
I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p."

Who had warts all over his root.
  He put acid on these
  And now when he pees,
He fingers the thing like a flute.

A frustrated lady named Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
  They found her vagina
  In North Carolina
And bits of her tits were in Dallas.

There was a young girl who begat
Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
  T'was fun in the breeding
  But hell in the feeding
When she found there's no tit for Tat.

There was a young man named Laplace
Whose balls were made out of spun glass.
  When they banged together
  They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass.

There was a young girl from Samoa
Who pledged that no man would know her.
  One young fellow tried,
  But she wriggled aside,
And he spilled all his spermatozoa.

On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
Was tatooed the price of her tail
  And on her behind,
  For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.

A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
        A curious mole
        Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.

There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
        She said, "It's a sin,
        But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

An amazon giantess named Dunne
Let a midget screw her for fun.
  But the poor little runt
  Was engulfed in her cunt
And re-born as the twin of his son.

A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
        And the cube of its weight
        Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call..

Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
He tried to make love to a puma.
  Seems the puma, in play,
  Tore his testes away -
- An example of animal huma.

A clever young man named Eugene
Invented a jack-off machine.
  On the twenty-third stroke
  The goddam thing broke
And beat both his balls to a creame.

A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
        But another, more sane,
        Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.

There once was a man named Kent,
Whose cock was so long that it bent.
And so, to save trouble,
He put it in double;
Instead of coming, he went.

>Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
>And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
>  How they lift the frock
>  And tickle the cock
>Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?
>

This is only one verse of three..allow me to elaborate:

There were three young ladies of Birmingham
And this is the scandal concerning 'em
   They lifted the frock
   And tickled the cock
Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.

Now the Bishop was nobody's fool
He'd been to a good public school
   So he lifted their britches
   and buggered those bitches
With his eight-inch episcopal tool.

A young woman in the first pew
Remarked as the bishop withdrew
   The Vicar is quicker
   And thicker and slicker
And longer and stronger than you!

There once was a rabbi from Keith,
Who circumcised men with his teeth,
Not for his leisure,
Nor sexual pleasure,
But for the cheese underneath.

There once was a lady from Wheeling,
Who professed to lack sexual feeling.
   Then a cynic named Boris,
   Simply touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.

There once was a man from Franzini,
Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
   Not being uncouth,
   He added vermouth,
And slipped his date a martini.

THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN FROM KENTUCKET
WHOSE DICK WAS SO LONG HE COULD SUCK IT
SAID HE WITH A GRIN
WIPING SPUNK OFF HIS CHIN
IF MY EAR WAS A CUNT I COULD F U C K   I T !

There was a young girl in Berlin
Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
Though he diddled his best,
And fucked her with zest,
She kept asking,"Hey, Pop, is it in?"

I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!

There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who said to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "'Pon my soul
You're in the wrong hole
There`s plenty of room in the right one."

A young woman got married at Chester,
Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
Says she, "You`re in luck,
He's a stunning good fuck,
For I've had him myself down in Leicester."

There was a young lady of Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her.
To cry, when you came,
"Oh dear! What a shame!
Well, now we shall have to start over."

There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a gal in the mood,
The question's not would he but could he?

A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

There was a young plumber of Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said, "Stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming!",
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."

Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
"You must seize it, and squeeze it,
And tease it, and please it
For Rome wasn't built in a day."

The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring.
He was lame but he came
With his dame like a flame
Discharge is a wonderful thing.

The limerick form is complex
Its contents run chiefly to sex.
It burgeons with virgins
And masculine urgeons,
And swarms with erotic f/x.

There was a young fellow named Lancelot,
Who his neighbors all looked on askance alot
Whenever he'd pass
A presentable lass,
The front of his pants would advance a lot.

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
And loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth,
There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.

There was a young girl of Cah'lina,
Had a very capricious vagina:
To the shock of the fucker
'Twould suddenly pucker,"
And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."

The nipples of Sarah Sarong,
When excited, are twelve inches long.
This embarrassed her lover
Who was pained to discover!
She expected no less of his dong.

There was a young idler named Blood,
Made a fortune performing at stud,
With a fifteen-inch peter,
A double-beat metre,
And a load like the Biblical Flood.

There was a young woman in Dee
Who stayed with each man she did see.
When it came to a test
She wished to be best,
And practice makes perfect, you see.

A young man with passions quite gingery
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
He slapped her behind
And made up his mind
To add incest to insult and injury.

If you're speaking of actions immoral
Then how about giving the laurel
To doughty Queen Esther,
No three men could best her
One fore, and one aft, and one oral.

There was a young man of Kildare
Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
The bannister broke,
But he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.

A remarkable race are the Persians,
They have such peculiar diversions.
They screw the whole day
In the regular way,
And save up the nights for perversions.

King Louis gave a lesson in Class
One time he was sexing a lass.
When she used the word "Damn""
He rebuked her: "Please ma'am,
Keep a more civil tongue in my ass."

There was a young man of Nantucket
Whose prick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it."

There was a young fellow named Tucker
Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
Said, "Don't bow out your lips
Like an elephant's hips,
The boys like it best when they pucker."

There was a young monk from Siberia
Whose morals were very inferior.
He did to a nun
What he shouldn't have done,
And now she's a Mother Superior.

There was a young girl named Anheuser
Who said that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.

A salvation Lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
"I wish to be opened with prayer."

There was a young fellow named Gluck
Who found himself shit out of luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don't give a fuck.

There was a young girl from Sofia
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

There was a young girl who begat'
Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding,
When she found there was no tit for Tat.

There was a young lady of Maine
Who declared she'd a man on the brain.
But you knew from the view
Of the way her waist grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.

There once was a floozie named Annie
Whose prices were cosy -- but canny :
A buck for a fuck,
Fifty cents for a suck,
And a dime for a feel of her fanny.

There was a young lady from Cue
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too."

A harlot of note named Le Dux
Would always charge seventy bucks,
But for that she would suck you,
And wink-off and fuck you
The whole thing was simply de luxe!

There was an old whore named McGee
Who was just the right sort for a spree.
She said, "For a fuck
I charge half a buck,
And I throw in the ass-hole for free."

A licentious old justice of Salem
Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
But instead of a fine
He would stand them in line,
With his common-law tool to impale 'em.

Ethnologists up with the Sioux
Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
The answer next day
Said, "Girls on the way,
But what the hell's a `panoe`?"

There once was a harlot at Yale
With her price-list tattooed on her tail,
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
She had it embroidered in Braille.

There was a young lady at sea
Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee."
"I see," said the mate,
"That accounts for the state
Of the captain, the purser, and me."

There was a young sailor named Bates
Who did the fandango on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.

There was a young lady of Clewer
Who was riding a horse, and it threw her.
A man saw her there
With her legs in the air,
And seized the occasion to screw her.

There was a young man with a hernia
Who said to his surgeon, "Gosh-dernya,
When carving my middle
Be sure you don't fiddle
With matters that do not concern ya.

There was a young man of Khartoum
Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
He not only fucked her,
But buggered and sucked her
And left her to pay for the room.

There was an old rake from Stamboul
Felt his ardor grow suddenly cool.
No lack of affection
Reduced his erection
But his zipper had just caught his tool.

A squeamish young fellow named Brand
Thought caressing his penis was grand,
But he viewed with distaste
The gelatinous paste
That it left in the palm of his hand.

She made a thing of soft leather,
And topped off the end with a feather.
When she poked it inside her
She took off like a glider,
And gave up her lover forever.

A vigorous fellow named Bert
Was attracted by every new skirt.
Oh, it wasn't their minds
But their rounded behinds
That excited this loveable flirt.

There was a young lady from China
Who mistook for her mouth her vagina.
Her clitoris huge
She covered with rouge
And lipsticked her labia minor.

There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
She said with a yell
As a shot rang the bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong."

Van Gogh found a whore who would lay,
And accept a small painting as pay.
"Vive l'Art!" cried Van Gogh,
"But it's too fucking slow
I wish I could paint ten a day!"

A young man who lived in Khartoum
Was exceedingly fond of the womb.
He thought nothing finer
Than the female vagina,
So he kept three or four in his room.

There was a young farmer of Nant
Whose conduct was gay and gallant,
For he fucked all his dozens
Of nieces and cousins,
In addition, of course, to his aunt.

There was a young lady named Smith
Whose virtue was largely a myth.
She said, "Try as I can
I can't find a man
Who it's fun to be virtuous with."

When the judge, with his wife having sport,
Proved suddenly two inches short,
The good woman declined,
And the judge had her fine
By proving contempt of the court.

The mathematician Von Blecks
Devised an equation for sex,
Having proved a good fuck
Isn't patience or luck,
But a function of Y over X.

A lady athletic and handsome
Got wedged in her sleeping room transom.
When he offered much gold
For release, she was told,
That the view is worth more than the ransom.

There was a young lady of Trent
Who said that she knew what it meant
When he asked her to dine,
Private room, lots of wine,
She knew, oh she knew! -- but she went!

To train on the toilet was dull
So Mom, on new methods, did mull
Instead of a potty
She taught the wee totty
To output to slash dev slash null.

There once was a man from Newcastle
Possessed of a very large asshole
Into which he - the churl -
Would stuff nuts like a squirrel -
His own, in fact; wasn't he facile?

There once was a man named McNamiter,
Whose organ was huge in diameter.
But it wasn't its size,
Gave the girls a surprise,
'Twas its rhythym -- iambic pentameter!

While screwing his wife, Dr. Zuck
In his ears his wife's nipples he stuck.
With his thumb up her bum,
He could hear himself come,
And invented the Radio Fuck!

A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexahedronical ball,
And the square of its weight,
Plus his pecker, times eight,
Was two-thirds of four-fifths of fuck-all!

Under the spreading chestnut tree
The village smith, he sat.
Amusing himself
By abusing himself,
And catching his load in his hat.

-- 
