Archive-name: Humour/joyvanhl.txt
Archive-author: RICHHed
Archive-title: My Pride and Joy van Helsing

 
     I'll never forget Joy, and I'll never forget the way we met.
Every weekend I go over to a friend's apartment and play games [hide and seek]
and I would see Joy standing outside her apartment a few doors
down [squatting over a bucket as her toilet was blocked by my bullshit].
I would stop and say hello [come here often?], and we started to chat more
and more each time [about train spotting].  Then, one day I showed up, and Joy
was standing by the stairs leading to my friend's apartment dressed
in this very sexy, killer outfit [I especially liked the chainsaw!].
She was tall, and had a small figure (some might call her lanky [those who
hadn't experimented with psychedelic drugs would call her imaginary]), but she 
was nicely shaped, and this outfit showed of her curves magnificently.  And the
short, red dress accented her lovely legs [all nineteen] very well.  "Wow," I
said, "going somewhere tonight?" [thought "do you come here often?"]
     She replied, "Out with you, I hope!" [did she, fuck!]
     I was totally taken aback [not realising that I was already tripping].
  This beautiful, former model, [yeah, in your dreams]
wanted to go out with ME.  I must have looked a little shocked [especially
when she hit me with the cattle prod]
because she looked at me and grinned [as she let off the charge]
as she told me that she knew
she wanted me ever since she had seen my captivating hazel eyes [rolling around
on the post mortem table]
Those were her words, not mine.  I quickly stammered my approval [how could I
refuse, being dead?] so we hopped in my car, and headed out to a movie.  I 
suspected that she wanted a little more than [a shag] to go out when she 
started snugling close to me in the car [and pulled out a dismembered foot
from her handbag].  This was certainly going well,
I thought.  I was a bit nervous, however, because I hadn't dated [anyone into
necrophilia] much at all.  Although I was 19, I had never had a girlfriend,
and had never held hands with or kissed a woman [but had experimented with
our family dog during elementary school].  I wasn't ugly [I was hideous],
far from it, but for some reason, I just hadn't had much luck
with women [perhaps it was my greasy hair and offensive BO].  
Then again, I never really tried [washing] either.  But here
was this fine babe cuddling with me [and the foot!], and I didn't have to do a
thing [I was dead, anyway].
     We arrived at the theater a little early, so we decided to
kill some [passersby] time by going [joyriding] bowling around the corner.  
She claimed to [have a bad case of crabs] be a bad bowler, whereas I was 
pretty good [for a corpse], but she made me a
bet as to who would win.  I asked what the stakes were [for], and she
informed me that if she won, I had to give her a backrub.  "OK,"
I said [vampirically], "but what if I win?"  She told me THAT was up to me...
[I became increasingly excited at the thought of sapping her blood, but
remembered the stakes she had brought with her]
Gulp [just one through the heart and that would be it!].  
This was getting a little heavy [and sounding a little unlikely], a little 
fast.  About halfway through [her neck] the game I got a strike, and she 
surprised me with [the blood that gushed from her carotid artery]
a kiss as I returned to the pit.  After my second strike,
she kissed me long and hard [she had no choice].  She turned out to be much
better  than [my neighbour's dog] she admitted, and I lost [all control].  
Or maybe she had [broken wind] distracted me.  I knew that she would wind up 
with more than just a [sore neck] backrub, and I was now openly scared [my fly
was open].  I was still a [bad liar] virgin.
     She sensed my anxiety, and immediately broke into this
"I've done it again, haven't I?  I came on too strong and
scared you [shitless, you weed]..."  After much blushing, I informed her that I
WAS scared, but because I was a [vampire] virgin, and I knew she wanted
more than a backrub.  She appologized profusely, and informed
me that she didn't think I was still a [vampire - little did she know!]
virgin.  She could usually spot them a mile away, she said, but I had fooled 
her [by filing down my fangs].
I took that as a compliment, and smiled [revealing my fangs, now stumps].  
"Don't worry, I'll ease you into it [my swollen red pussy]." she promised.  
Feeling better, we headed
off to the movie [taking the dismembered foot with us].  While standing in 
line, she stood in front
of me, and pulled me into a very cosy [pussy] hug, and we [the foot and I]
just stood there, rocking and carressing each other .  I was definately
getting used to this, and she felt it [the foot].  Litterally.
     She moved [attempted to move] her hand around to my rock hard cock [but 
it wasn't there], and gave
it [the foot] a loving carress as she looked up [my dirtbox], her face beaming
, and [glistening with excrement - I knew I was in for a treat: this as well
as being a necrophiliac!]
pulled me in for a kiss.  She frenched me long and very hard,
and I was short of [change] breath afterwards.  "For never having
kissed a [dog] girl before, you learn quick!" she panted [the saliva dripping
off her tongue].  What can
I say? [how about "here, Lassie!"]  I aim to please [animals a speciality]... 
We had a lot of fun standing in [each other's excrement]
line, but it didn't compare with what was to come later.  I
wasn't feeling scared anymore, some instinct that I never
knew I had was awake and working great.  We finally entered
the dark, nearly deserted [back passage] theater and took our seats.
     Joy kicked off her high heels, and rested her legs [all nineteen] in my
lap as she made herself comfortable.  Her dress being as short
as it was, gave me a nice view of her [crabs] crotch area.  I could
make out the shape[s] through her panties, and it looked
inviting.  As we watched the movie, I ran my hands along her
legs, giving them [all] a firm massage.  She enjoyed it, and looked
completely relaxed [after I gave her a jab of morphine].  She leaned over and 
[fell off the chair] gave me yet another [case of the crabs]
kiss - that was eleven in less that two hours!  I had NEVER had 
[such bad crabs - they really itched]
this much fun.  I increased the pressure on her legs [to stem the bleeding], 
and let my hands roam higher and higher, and soon was gently massaging
her through her panties.  Her hand wound its way over to my
pants button, and darted inside [my pants button]...  
She opened my zipper [from the inside!], and
was giving me a very gentle hand-job right there in the theater!
This was definately [a hanging offense] intense.  Afraid of getting caught, we
recomposed ourselves, after another kiss, and finished watching
the movie.
     Next thing I remember, other than a kiss at each red light,
I was in her bed, looking down on her angelic face.  "I love you,
Joy" I [lied] said as I began unbuttoning her blouse.  She motioned me
to be quiet with the standard finger-over-[pussy]-lips routine as she
informed me, "You don't know that yet..."  But I did [I really did, honest].  
She was [almost dead] special to me already.  Imagine my surprise (or rather, 
lack of) when I opened her blouse to find no [body] bra.  I knew that
already, my [imagination] hand had found its way there several times thus far,
but I was stunned to finally see her breasts freed from their
captivity.  She had a small chest [filled with kinky love toys], but 
they were well [used] defined
and [rather smelly] firm.  Her breasts were nothing short of beautiful. I began
kneeding them [all fify-seven] with my large [scabby] hands, and kissed her 
[neck] deeply [as I drained her blood].  As she sighed, I moved my way down 
and began kissing her nipples [all fifty-seven - her breasts shrivelled like 
prunes]. They responded right on cue by growing harder [and drier], and more
pronounced.  I was fascinated [by their laxative abilities], and began [talking
bullshit] sucking and licking her [prunes] tits for all I was worth.
     She must have enjoyed it, because she began squirming all
over the bed [it took me hours to scrape her off].  I could see her dress was 
[possible evidence] restricting her, so I [threw it in the incinerator]
moved down and quickly removed it, along with her panties and
nylons.  My face was just inches from her hot, jucy mound, [but my body
was busy making the tea] and I dove down and gave her a lick.  Mmm!  Sweet!  
[Scampi flavoured snacks] I started to
dive for more, having decided that I liked [having crabs in my beard]
the taste of [seafood] pussy,
but she pulled my head back as she [broke my neck] rolled me over and said,
"Oh no you don't!  I have to [hammer a stake through your heart!] show YOU 
pleasure.  I want to [exterminate all vampires] make this a night to 
remember..."  It already was, but she proceeded to unzip my 
pants and pull them off.  My dick, now
free from its hiding place, sprung to attention and gave Joy
a nice salute [for a dead vampire].  She bobbed her head down
[and came up with an apple in her teeth], and gave my 
[only] member a kiss.  It [the foot] jerked in her hand, and got harder than 
I thought was possible [it had just bought a switchblade from the survival 
store].  Joy began licking up and down my shaft and she
commented on how wide I was. [I had trouble fitting into elevators]
(I am average length [for a gerbil], but I'm quite wide.)  After she had given 
my [shrivelled] penis a bath with her tounge, she took it [her tongue] into 
her mouth, and began ducking her head up and down as she sucked and twisted [and shouted].  
She definately knew [how to do the twist!] what she was doing, and my mind was 
completely [empty] blown.
I was getting my first blow-job!  Man did it feel good [Did I mention I like 
grannies?].
     Just when I thought I couldn't [get any more unlikely] take anymore, 
she stopped.
"Please?!?" I groaned [in my dead vampire voice], begging her to continue.  
She smiled and [killed] kissed me again.  "So what do you think?" she asked,
"Are you ready to [die] make love?"  Boy was I.  Being the [vampire]
gentleman that I am, I insisted that I stay the night,
and be [gone] there in the morning.  She told me she had hoped I
would [teach her about the night], that she wanted nothing more than to wake 
up [dead] with me [rotting] by her side and to [strangle] make love to me as 
dawn peeked [her] its way through the window [I forgot to mention I'm also
into voyeurism].  But I couldn't.  I had to be home [before sunrise], or
[I would turn to dust, and] my folks would have a fit.  I promised I would be 
back tomorrow [night], and that I would stay the whole weekend if she'd
have me [as her pet].  From the look in her eye, I knew that wasn't a
problem.  After about an hour of [racking our brains for more unlikely
activities] more hugging and kissing,
and getting each other [asphyxiated] aroused to the point of [unconsciousness] 
orgasm (but never quite [dead] there), we left each other blue balled [yes, a 
woman can be blue balled, apparently] as I went home [back to my coffin].  
I couldn't sleep that night [thinking about her blood all over the mattress -
more evidence to destroy]
     I arrived back at her place around 10 the next morning [night, surely]
after giving my folks [an arsenic enema] some excuse about not coming home the
rest of the weekend.  I don't even remember what it was.  We
decided that it was far too beautiful of a day to spend
indoors, so we headed out to the county fair.  I destinctly
remember the guys at the game booths looking at Joy, and
promising free prizes if she would just come over and give
it a try [just one suck].  Personally, I think they just wanted a [blow-job] 
closer look.
It made me excited to see the way [she sucked those guys cocks - reminding
my of my college fraternity antics] other guys looked at her,
because it was MY arm around her waist, not theirs.  We
stopped to watch a [live] kiddy [porn] clown show, and started making out
[with the kids] under the tent.  Joy finally broke away, feeling embarrased
about our heavy kissing and petting with all the [underage] kids around.
We moved on to check all the [positions] exhibits, and walked through the
farm displays.  Joy had grown up on a farm, and was quite at
home [compulating] with all the animals.  The way she carressed the goats,
and nuzzled with the horses [huge, horselike manhoods] seemed almost [perverse
- but who was I to complain?]
sensual.  After a quick glance at [my rather miniscule manlike horsehood] me, 
she suggested we [take one] head home.  I couldn't
agree more [after all, I had only ever tried my neighbour's dog before].
     We waltzed in to her apartment [with our new horse, and our old pal
the dismembered foot], and cooled off with some
ice-cold lemonaide as we watched some TV [and some TS] and cuddled.  I
suddenly remembered that I [was dead] owed her [my soul] a backrub, and 
suggested it to her.  She agreed that sounded good, so we moved back
to the bedroom, and I had her strip [me] down and lay [me] face down
on the [pentagram] bed.  I applied some of the lotion on her dresser [and
it moaned in a very dresserlike fashion],
and began the best backrub I've ever given [a dresser].  Her muscles were
quite tight, and I was getting worn out quickly, but she
must have [got bored] enjoyed it because she went completely limp and
fell asleep.  I was glad I had been able to [bore] relax her so
well, and I stripped down and [fucked her sleeping corpse] cuddled close as 
we both fell asleep for about an hour.
     I awoke to an[other stake through my heart] ever-so-soft kiss, 
and fluttered my eyes [seductively] open to see Joy leaning over me [the bloody
stake in her (one good) hand].  "Looks like you're ready
to go [to the abbatoir]," she said as she placed another [stake through my 
heart] kiss on my erection.
"I was dreaming about [tearing] you [limb from limb]," I told her and reached 
up to play with her [formless] breasts, rubbing my [scaly] thumbs across her 
nipples. She broke into a [raucous laugh] big smile, and told me "Let's make 
that dream come true, shall we?" [I was in luck - she was a masochist as
well as being a necrophile, peadophile and scatophile]  She rolled up 
[a joint] beside me kissed me deep [this place seems very deep - is it
underwater?] as she pulled me into a very cozy [stranglehold] embrace, placing
her leg [one of nineteen] between mine [between my leg - the other one was
amputated last week], rubbing my dick with her thigh.  I
responded with by [interesting syntax] massaging her lovely buttocks [all 
nineteen], and lightly caressing her pussy lips with my fingers.  As she 
broke the kiss [in two places], she asked, "You seem to know just what 
you're doing, you sure you've never [bullshitted] done this before?"  I 
assured her I hadn't, but that I [lied well] learned quick.  She agreed, and 
rolled my onto my back, and positioned [her garden shears] herself over my 
straining penis.  This was it!  I was about to be [castrated] deflowered...
     I don't remember too much of what happened next, I was
lost in a daze.  I felt this incredibly soft, warm touch
slide down on my dick, and I knew I was now [a eunuch] embedded deeply
into Joy's pussy.  God did that feel good!  [I hated my balls, anyway] 
She began rocking her hips, and I began a gentle pumping motion, urging my cock
further into her smooth, soft cunt.  A deeply rooted [carniverous plant] 
instinct took over, I began exploring her body with my [newly-formed 
carniverous leaves] hands as she was
sitting upright on my lap, pistoning herself onto [the stake that was 
protruding from my, still bleeding, heart] my rod.  She
leaned forward and kissed me quickly as her breathing became
labored and eratic [like my prose].  I was nearing the point of no return, and
quickened my pace, pumping my [stake] penis deeper and deeper into the
clutches of her pussy, and after what seemed like hours I lost
my [soul] load in a flurry of [blood and gore] cum.  This was enough for [one
encounter] Joy, who climaxed as soon as my [life blood] sperm began blasting 
against her pussy walls, her muscles milking my cock as she orgasmed.  When I
finally stopped spurting, she collapsed on top of me and gave
me the best french kiss of my life, with her tounge imitating
my [bantam] cock's earlier motions.  "God," she groaned, "I've never felt
anything like that, you sure [bullshit well] learn quick!"  She then layed 
[an egg] her head on my chest [in it's own presentation case], exhaused, and 
promptly fell asleep with my still hard [stake] cock buried deep inside her.  
I held her tight and lay there admiring [the bits of her that were sticking
to the ceiling] her  angelic face and beautiful skin until I
too [died in a pool of blood] fell alseep.
     After sleeping for what seemed like hours, I awoke to find
that it had only been about 45 minutes since I [took the microdot] fell
asleep.  I felt completely [spaced out] rested (though [my arse was] sore).  
As the late night moon streamed through the windows [creating these really
indescribable visuals], I pulled back the covers 
and [realised that Joy was the grumpy old man from next door] admired Joy's 
sleeping form.  God was [he] she [ugly] pretty!  I couldn't
believe my luck that such a [dirty old man] woman had actually pursued me,
instead of me pursuing [him] her.  I ran my hands over [his] her body,
gently feeling every curve and enjoying the soft smoothness
of [his] her skin.  Her body twitched as my hand slid over sensative
parts, and I felt my cock returning to [sender] erection.  I rolled Joy [okay,
I'll call him Joy for the rest of the trip]
onto her back, and leaned down and kissed her.  She responded
by waking with a slight moan, and mumbled "God [that was some really good acid]
I love you..."
as she pulled my close as we cuddled and kissed for about [what seemed like] 
five minutes.  My hard penis brushed her pussy [hair into a duck's arse] lips 
and across her clit as I leaned forward to give her a really deep [no, really
deep this time] kiss.  "Oh, [no, not another deep kiss!]
*I* know what you want," she said in a deep-throated, sexy voice.
I responded by [not answering] positioning my dick head at the entrace to her
[worm] hole, and slowly [disappeared up my own arse], gently pushing myself in.
     By the time I was all the way in, Joy was already moaning
loudly [about the trippy patterns], and as I began an instinctive [bowel] 
pumping motion she started
writhing on the bed making it very difficult for me to [shit in her mouth] 
mainting my penetration.  I slipped out [of reality], and decided instead to 
[fly to the moon] again try my hand [with a provencale sauce]
at eating her out.  I lightly flicked my tounge along her
outer [atmosphere] lips, and gently [landed] pushed in, lapping up the sweet 
[moonrocks] nectar I found there.  I marvled at how much like [scampi] honey 
it tasted, and remembered how some of my friends had complained of the smell,
and that they hated [being in the same room as her] eating pussy.  The only 
smell that I noticed [above my BO] was a musky odor of arousal, and I liked 
it.  I lapped relentlessly at her copious juices, occasionally flicking my
tounge across her protruding [brows] clit.  She shivered as I did this,
and finally cried out loudly for me to "Put it in!  Put it in!".
Afraid she was going to [fall asleep again] wake the neighbors, I was more 
than [unable] happy to oblige, as [I had lost my erection again] her hand 
snaked down and guided my dick to [the meat grinder] its target.  Despite the 
excessive amount of [blood] fluids I had licked up,
she still had more than enough juice to make my entry smooth.
After quite a lot of [mopping up] pumping, I was starting to get tired, but
Joy was moaning quite loudly [about the flashbacks] again and I knew she was 
near [insanity] climax.  I delayed my own [flashback] cumming a while longer, 
and just as I pushed Joy over the edge [of the balcony] I released my second 
massive load of [drivel] cum into her hot [incinerator] cunt.  I rolled Joy on 
top of [the meat wagon] me, slid down the wall
and proceeded to lick her [now maggot infested] pussy clean of my jism, 
bringing her to [the graveyeard] orgasm three more times as I did so.  When I 
was satisfied that she was [really and truly dead] clean, we lay there 
together, savoring the feeling of [rotting] flesh on flesh as I watch the 
[life] flush slowly fade from Joy's face as she drifted off to [eternal]
sleep once more.  The last thing I remember before falling asleep [for another
century] was Joy talking in her sleep as she cried out, "Yes, yes, I'll marry 
you, Dave...[in your dreams]"  I fell asleep with a smile on my face, [thinking
"that was some really weird shit, but what can you expect when you're on acid?"]
 
-- 

