
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/7839091.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      炎の蜃気楼[ミラージュ]_|_Honoo_no_Mirage_|_Mirage_of_Blaze
  Relationship:
      Naoe_Nobutsuna/Ougi_Takaya
  Character:
      Naoe_Nobutsuna, Ougi_Takaya_|_Uesugi_Kagetora, Chiaki_Shuuhei_|_Yasuda
      Nagahide, Narita_Yuzuru, Kadowaki_Ayako_|_Kakizaki_Haruie
  Additional Tags:
      poor_communication, Porn_with_Feelings, Identity_Issues, Angry_Sex,
      Takaya's_insecurity_issues_rear_their_ugly_head, Post_Anime
  Stats:
      Published: 2004-12-25 Words: 4158
****** Push ******
by Tammaiya
Summary
     Naoe walks away, and Takaya overcomes his confusion about his
     feelings for long enough to decide that this is just not on. Chiaki
     is sarcastic a lot, because that's what he does best.
Notes
     This is set during early canon, so Takaya is 17, hence the underage
     warning.

Naoe was walking away, and the only thing Takaya could do was stand still and
stare after him in something approaching desparation, fingers clutching at the
jacket over his shoulders like a drowning man clinging to a lifeline.

You didn't… you didn't do things like that, dammit! You didn't tell someone you
loved them and then just walk away! You didn't abandon them, you didn't leave
them all alone, you didn't… Naoe…

Takaya's mind was screaming at him to do something, anything, call out or grab
Naoe's arm, but his body ignored him. He couldn't do anything, frozen in
complete shock and despair, and by the time the sound of a car pulling away had
jolted him back into action, it was already too late.

Naoe's jacket was stifling, a suffocating weight on his shoulders, but Takaya
would probably freeze if he took it off. Just like their relationship: there
was no easy path, but Takaya would rather be smothered than left alone in the
cold. He sank to his knees, rough splintered wood digging into his skin, and it
occurred to him that this felt just like the last time Naoe had left.

Only this time, he had no big brother to cry on.

This time, it felt like he didn't have anybody, and that was silly. Of course
he had people; he had Haruie, and he'd always have Yuzuru. Yuzuru was the one
who had always been there for him in the past, and that had always been enough.
Should always be enough.

So why did he feel like his world was ending?

Takaya didn't know if Naoe ever planned on coming back, but there was something
frighteningly permanent about that goodbye, and that sent chills down Takaya's
spine. He didn't understand it, but for some reason he needed Naoe, couldn't
stand the thought of being without him again. Not after that first time.

Maybe it was connected to the endless cycle of the relationship between
Kagetora and Naoe that nobody had bothered to explain to him yet, or maybe it
was Takaya's own desperate dependency. Most likely it was a combination of
both.

Reflecting on his situation, still kneeling on the dock in the biting wind,
Takaya wondered if it was even harder for him to deal with being abandoned this
time. Was it worse to think that Naoe hated him, had betrayed him? Or was it
worse to know that Naoe loved him and had still left?

Either way, he couldn't leave things as they were. His memories of the time
spent away from Naoe were quite frankly painful, and the idea of spending an
indeterminate amount of his future in much the same way was-- to put it mildly-
- unappealing. He wasn't going to fucking well put up with this if he didn't
have to.

Maybe Takaya didn't know what Naoe wanted from him. Maybe he didn't know what
he wanted from Naoe, either. But given a choice between giving Naoe possibly
more than he was capable of giving and not having Naoe at all?

Well, there was no damn contest. Takaya was more than prepared to make a few
sacrifices.

Besides-- a small voice at the back of Takaya’s mind was starting to wonder if
there really was a limit to what he wanted to give, after all.

~

"Takaya?"

"Yuzuru," Takaya said flatly. "Hey."

"You haven't been in school the last few days. Is… everything okay?"

"Okay." Takaya contemplated the word for a while, staring dully at the rocky
path without really seeing. "Yeah. Everything's fan-fucking-tastic."

Because Naoe was persona non-gratis, but everything else was fine, wasn't it?
No spiritual possessions, nothing weird going on, Yuzuru was all right, and did
it really matter if Naoe was gone?

Of course it did. Fuck.

"Takaya…"

"No!" Takaya snapped, spinning to throw a rock viciously into the lake. "No,
everything is not freaking okay, alright? Can we just drop it?"

"But if something's wrong, maybe I can help?"

"You can't," Takaya said harshly, then immediately felt slightly bad for
yelling at his best friend. "Sorry. I'm sorry. Yuzuru… Nobody can help, okay?
This is something I have to deal with myself."

"Talking about it might help," Yuzuru said tentatively. "I know you don't like
talking things through, but--"

"No!" Takaya said quickly, almost panicking. "No. I can't talk about this,
okay? Not this."

Yuzuru sighed, casting a sad look at Takaya out of the corner of his eyes and
making him feel remarkably like shit. "It's about Naoe-san, isn't it?"

Takaya started, then inwardly cursed his guilty reaction. "How did you--?"

"He's the only reason you'd act like this," Yuzuru said simply, leaving Takaya
no less confused than he had been before. "I know you can't talk to me, but…
have you thought of talking to Chiaki-san?"

"Chiaki?" Takaya said blankly. Remembering Chiaki's pissed off rant the last
time he and Naoe had lost their shit, he winced thinking of what Chiaki would
have to say this time.

Then again, maybe Chiaki wouldn't be so pissed if Takaya were the one trying to
find Naoe. Maybe he'd approve. Maybe he'd even have some bright ideas, since
he'd known Naoe longer than Takaya had.

Well, he remembered knowing Naoe longer, at any rate. Whatever.

"That's not such a bad idea," Takaya said slowly. "Thanks, Yuzuru."

Time to pay Chiaki a visit, then.

~

"Okay, let me get this straight. You and Naoe screwed up again, but this time
you're asking for my help?"

"Yeah, what else does it look like?" Takaya said sullenly.

Chiaki gave him a hard look. "This is a change, Kagetora-sama running after
Naoe."

"I'm not… I don't want him to leave. Are you going to help or not?"

"Depends," Chiaki said calmly. "When you find him, what are you going to do?
You could never stand to let him go, but you couldn't stand to give him what he
wanted, either. Are you going to be able to give in to Naoe? Because if you're
going to continue to reel him in just so you can tear him up and fuck him over
a bit more, give up now."

Takaya thought of the times Naoe had shown his fractured insanity and shuddered
at the reminder that it was his fault, even if he had no memory of his actions.
"Don't lecture me like I'm Kagetora," he said unsteadily. "I don't remember any
of that shit. I'm not… I wouldn't do that to him."

"But would Kagetora?" Chiaki countered. "He's a part of you. What will you do
if your subconscious objects and his memories overpower you? Kagetora's past
with Naoe is complicated. They hate each other as much as they love each other,
maybe more on Kagetora's half. How do you know he won't balk?"

"How the fuck should I know?" Takaya said defensively. "I'm not letting my life
be ruled by a past I can't even fucking remember!"

Chiaki appraised him silently for a few minutes. "You're like him, you know,"
he said eventually. "Before time made him bitter."

Takaya blinked, taken aback. "What?"

"Like Kagetora," Chiaki said with exaggerated patience. "You act the way he
used to."

Takaya frowned in confusion. "What the hell has that got to do with anything?"

Chiaki sighed. "Never mind."

Takaya narrowed his eyes at Chiaki suspiciously, and then clearly decided it
wasn't worth worrying about. "Yeah, whatever. Are you going to help me or not?"

Chiaki leaned back in his chair, raising an eyebrow. "What, precisely, do you
expectme to do about it?"

"Can't you help me find him or something?"

"To be perfectly honest?" Chiaki smirked. "Why, no. I can't."

"Do you have any idea how incredibly unhelpful you are?" Takaya growled
unhappily, sliding down the wall to sit disconsolately on the floor with his
head in his hands.

"I'm sure everyone else feels exactly the same way about you."

"Thanks," Takaya muttered. "You're making me feel heaps fucking better."

"You're quite welcome." Chiaki adjusted his glasses, studying the miserable
teenager thoughtfully. "He'll come back, you know. He always does. You just
have to bide your time."

Like a dog on a leash.

I'm your dog. A rabid dog.

Takaya flinched. Chiaki was still watching him.

"I suggest you think carefully about this," Chiaki said coolly. "If you were
only going to do it to get him to come back? You'll simply fuck things up
worse. Don't bother."

"Is it always going to be like this?" Takaya asked quietly. "A fucking endless
cycle?"

"Maybe," Chiaki said noncommittally. "Take my advice, Kagetora. Think before
you act."

"I'm not Kagetora," Takaya whispered, but Chiaki was already gone.

~

"No offence, kid, but you look like shit."

"I feel like shit," Takaya grumbled. "And maybe I'll feel less like shit if I'm
pissed, so do you want to go out or should I go get hammered by myself?"

Haruie grabbed her coat, trailing after him with a concerned expression.
"Kagetora, drinking doesn't solve anything, you know that."

"So what?" Takaya said resentfully, flopping violently down into a chair and
cracking open another bottle of unidentified strong liquor. "Who cares? It's
not like you can stop me."

"I'm not going to stop you," Haruie said gently. "I'm just worried, okay?
You're acting self-destructive. It's scaring the people who care about you."

"Shut up," Takaya said tiredly. "Just leave it, Haruie."

"I know he's the reason you're doing this, but hasn't it occurred to you that
this isn't what he'd want?"

"Shut up!" Takaya snarled, voice breaking slightly. "Why should I care what he
fucking wants? It's not like he gives a damn about me!"

"Now you're just being childish," a voice said from behind him. "You know
perfectly well that isn't true, Takaya-san."

Takaya froze. "This stuff must be really good," he told Haruie, voice bordering
on the edge of hysteria. "Because I'm hallucinating."

"How do you do that?" Haruie asked Naoe curiously. "That thing with the
timing?"

Naoe ignored Haruie's question (since it was probably rhetorical anyway) to
focus once more on Takaya. "You are not hallucinating. However, you are being
very stupid. What on Earth are you doing?"

"What the hell has it got to do with you?" Takaya demanded. Haruie wondered if
she should just keep out of this entirely or try to help. After some
consideration, she opted for the first choice; Kagetora and Naoe were infamous
for not taking kindly to interference in their arguments. Best to let them sort
it out themselves.

At least with Kagetora in his incarnation as Takaya she was quite sure no one
would be trying to kill anyone else, which was certainly a pleasant change.

"It has everything to do with me. Reckless behaviour could get you killed."

"I can take care of myself!" Takaya snapped.

"I beg to differ," Naoe said calmly. "I think you are proving quite
sufficiently that this is the opposite of reality."

"Oh, like I'll listen to you when you talk about reality," Takaya said snidely.
"And I don't need you to take care of me, if you're just going to piss off
whenever you feel like it."

Upon reflection, Takaya later concluded two things: that he was lying through
his teeth, and that he had not in fact meant to say that. Perhaps in future it
would teach him to watch his alcohol intake.

Then again, very few people learned that no matter how many hangovers and
humiliating scenes they went through, and Takaya was hardly the brightest bulb
on the Christmas tree when it came to learning from experience, so that was
rather dubious.

Back in the present moment, though, Takaya had yet to figure out the
implications of what he'd just let slip.

Naoe's expression was slightly baffled. "Kagetora-sama?"

"You just-- you-- oh, fuck it. Never mind. If you're going to bitch, you can
drive on the way home. Happy?"

Naoe was quite certain he was missing a line in the script. Given that Takaya
hadn't seemed overly thrilled to see him all of a minute ago, Naoe was having
trouble understanding this sudden request. Of course, Takaya was never good at
social niceties or subtlety in the first place, so they were a complete write-
off when he was drunk.

"Ah… I'm not sure I understand your meaning. You want me to drive you home?"

"I can't drive if I'm pissed, can I?" Takaya said reasonably. "Not like you
ever let me drive your car anyway. So if you want to go, you drive."

Naoe sighed. "If you want me to drop you home, you'll have to remind me of your
address. I've forgotten it."

"I don't."

Naoe paused in the midst of taking his car keys out of his pocket. "Pardon?"

"I'm not going home drunk! What about my little sister? I'm going with you."

Naoe didn't have the willpower to argue against that. Haruie, having made
herself inconspicuous, was very impressed at Takaya's way-laying ability.

It remained to be seen how well he would cope once he was sober, though.

~

One night turned into two nights turned into a week turned into Takaya living
with Naoe again. Theoretically, this was both a very bad idea and something
that should have made Takaya happy.

In practice, Takaya would have been a lot happier if it was being a bad idea.

Naoe, for all he had professed his love the last time they'd seen each other-
- he couldn't have just hung around another five minutes and waited for Takaya
to respond, could he? Oh, no, because that would have made everything too easy-
- was acting as distant as he had when they had first met. He was still polite,
friendly, and helpful whilst simultaneously being nowhere near as familiar as
he should have been, and it was driving Takaya quite frankly insane.

If he'd needed a clue that he should stay with his original plan, that was it.

"What's your problem now? He's back, isn't he?"

"You said I should think carefully, didn't you?"

Chiaki glanced back at him disinterestedly. "Yeah. What of it?"

"I've thought about it."

"And?"

"And I've made my mind up," Takaya said firmly, though his gaze was still
resting nervously on the ground. "I'm going through with it. Screw how Kagetora
does things. It's my body, so it's my choice. If I decide to let Naoe do…
whatever he wants to do, then Kagetora can just fucking put up with it."

"You are Kagetora," Chiaki pointed out.

"That's not what I mean!"

Chiaki laughed. "I know. So, you're sure?"

"Yeah."

Chiaki shrugged. "Fine. You make your bed, you lie in it."

"Gee, thanks," Takaya said sarcastically. "That's really reassuring."

"That said," Chiaki added nonchalantly, "it's about fucking time one of you did
something."

"Hey," Takaya objected. "I'm not--"

"Kagetora? Yes you are, despite the fact that you don't want to admit it."
Chiaki paused, smirking. "Besides, even if you weren't? It's still about
fucking time."

"Shut up," Takaya muttered sullenly, curling defensively back into his chair.

"Hey. Takaya."

"What?"

"Don't screw this one up."

"… Thanks."

~

"Kagetora-sama," Naoe greeted him on his return.

"Don't you ever get confused?" Takaya asked suddenly, tossing his jacket on the
bench as he came over to collapse unceremoniously onto the couch next to Naoe.
"Between me and him?"

"Why would I?" Naoe asked reasonably. "You are the same person. Names and
memories aside, you are him. You are Kagetora-sama with amnesia. You behave as
Kagetora-sama would with amnesia. Similarly, you are Takaya-san. You are you."

"Huh," Takaya said vaguely. He'd known that was what Naoe would say, so he
didn't really know why he'd asked. Maybe to ground himself. It was always
reassuring to hear someone else say that out loud.

"Was there a reason for that question?"

"Not really," Takaya answered, restlessly pushing to his feet again and pacing
about the room, trailing his fingers along shelves and picking things up only
to put them down again. Naoe watched him cautiously, as if he were a feral cat
that might attack at any given moment.

"Naoe," Takaya said abruptly, putting down the ivory figure he was holding with
a sharp tap that punctuated his speaking, "why didn't Kagetora accept your
feelings for him?"

Naoe stood automatically, pained by the question and wondering how Takaya could
fail to realise that this was dangerous ground.

There was no way he was to know that Takaya was aiming for dangerous ground.

"Takaya-san, I am afraid I do not know the answer to that," Naoe said sharply.
"If you'd excuse me, I need to--"

"You're running away again," Takaya interrupted him. "Quit it."

"Do not push me," Naoe bit out. "You should know better than that. If you can't
deal with the consequences of your actions--"

"Who says I can't?" Takaya challenged. "Who's the coward here, me or you?"

Steep intake of breath. "Do you understand what you are saying?"

Takaya bared his teeth in a grin. "Try me."

Naoe could feel his hard-won self-control splintering like rotten wood, his
voice rising into a barely contained yell. "I am warning you, this is not a
game!"

"I never said it was," Takaya said mockingly, walking closer to Naoe until
there was less than half a foot between them. "Are you afraid of me, Naoe?"

There was a perfect frozen second before everything exploded into chaos, Naoe
slamming Takaya back against the wall and Takaya's vision bursting out in stars
when his head cracked into it.

This is just like last time, Takaya thought dizzily, but this time I know what
I'm doing.

"You never listen, do you?" Naoe hissed. "I try, but you simply scorn my
efforts!"

"You just assume I want your efforts," Takaya choked out. "Maybe I'm sick of
you walking on eggshells around me, bastard."

Naoe narrowed his eyes. "Then you can't blame me when I snap, Kagetora-sama.
You have a choice: either you let me have my caution, or you deal with what you
unleash."

"Just fucking try me," Takaya spat, and before the words were even fully
spoken, Naoe had crushed his mouth down on Takaya's in a brutal kiss.

Hah, Takaya thought. I win.

That was, at least, what one of the lower-down levels of his brain was
thinking. His overwhelming conscious response was a lot less lucid than that,
and involved disjointed adjectives (such as "hot"). The level below that was
more concerned with physical directives, telling him urgently to 'open your
mouth, you fucking idiot'. Coherent thought was buried so deeply, in fact, that
it might as well not have wasted its time occurring.

"I'm not going to be nice," Naoe said hoarsely, eyes flashing. "I'm not going
to stop if you change your mind. You should have thought about what you were
doing before you did it."

"I did," Takaya gasped, fingers digging into Naoe's shoulders with shock when
Naoe bit down on his neck hard enough to bruise. "I'm not… a coward…"

He never heard Naoe's response to that, because then they were kissing again,
tongues battling fiercely for dominance. Takaya was hot all over, almost to the
point of feeling feverish and ill, so he was actually glad when Naoe pulled his
shirt up and started licking and biting at his stomach.

"N-Nao--!"

"It's too late," Naoe breathed against Takaya's over-sensitive skin. "It's too
late to change your mind."

"Who the fuck," Takaya growled brokenly, "said I was ch-changing my mind?"

Takaya's voice had jumped nearly an octave when Naoe had yanked his belt open
and slipped a hand inside his jeans, fingers scrabbling wildly against the wall
futilely for purchase with his head thrown back. "A-aah--"

Takaya's jeans were tugged down. Naoe's mouth suddenly replaced his hand,
warmth and wetness and Takaya wondered if this was what it was like to lose
your mind. There was nothing to hold onto, not even himself, he was slipping
down the wall and

And Naoe's tongue was in his mouth again, scalding hot and tasting like salt,
and Naoe's weight was the only thing holding him up.

This was officially a Good Thing, Takaya decided fuzzily. Turning Naoe down
before? Bad thing. Stupid thing.

Then again, this was probably the stupidest thing he'd ever done, and he had to
say it was one of his best ideas to date.

However, Naoe was still mostly clothed. That was the only negative side to this
situation, and it was something Takaya would like to see remedied in the very
near future. There was a problem with that, unfortunately. He didn't even have
the energy to stand, let alone the motor skills to manipulate buttons.

Mouth, his brain piped up helpfully. You can speak.

"Clothes," Takaya said roughly, breath catching as Naoe's hand tightened
against his hip. "Too many. Bad."

Naoe gave him a look that was somewhere bizarre between heated and considering.
"You're full of surprises today."

Takaya would have responded to that with one of his usual smart arse comments,
but he couldn't remember how, so instead he watched approvingly as Naoe's shirt
and trousers bit the dust. Vast improvement.

Soon enough Naoe was pressing him back into the wall again, sucking at his
neck, and perversely enough less clothes seemed to equate higher temperature.
This should violate universal laws, but Takaya really couldn't care less.
Wrapping his arms around Naoe's neck for balance, he hissed as Naoe shoved him
harder back into the wall.

"More."

"More… what…?"

"Bastard," Takaya panted. "You know… what I… mean."

Naoe might have pushed the point as a means of frustrating Takaya (anyone who
claimed revenge was not sweet was even more deluded than Naoe himself was), but
to be quite truthful all his upper brain functions had gone into meltdown and
it would have been ultimately self-defeating. "I don't have any--"

"I don't care."

"You haven't… got a clue… what you're doing," Naoe said bluntly between shallow
breaths.

"Fuck!" Takaya swore harshly, because Naoe had an unfortunate point but he
didn't want to move. He didn't want Naoe to move, either, so reflexively he
leaned his weight on Naoe's shoulders long enough to wrap his legs around the
other man's hips.

There were logistical difficulties with this, less the issue of support-- Naoe
was pushing him back into the wall so hard he didn't need to hold himself up at
all-- than with the more important problems like the fact they had no lube.

"Fuck," Takaya said again, only this time it was a direct response to being
pressed even closer to Naoe than he had been, rocking instinctually and then
crying out between gritted teeth at the friction.

Right, Naoe decided, this was more than good enough for now. Lube and all that
it entailed could wait until next time, which with luck and Kagetora not coming
to his senses there would be. For now, Naoe was as loathe to delay things as
Takaya was, and he made this known by rocking back harder.

Youth and health aside, Takaya was really going to be feeling this tomorrow.
Gravity, momentum and Naoe were all that was keeping him up against the wall;
his back was going to be bruised after it was all over. Similarly, it would be
more surprising if Takaya didn't leave marks on Naoe's skin, his fingers were
digging so hard into Naoe's shoulders.

As they said, though: no pain, no gain, and right now neither of them were
feeling anything but pleasure building to a crescendo.

Everything exploded again, but into ecstasy this time rather than chaos.
Takaya's vision had gone blinding white for a second, and when conscious
thought returned, he found that he and Naoe had collapsed into sticky tangled
puddle on the floor.

It was getting cold. It was also getting rather uncomfortable, which his legs
and back and bite marks were telling him quite vocally. He really couldn't care
less.

Takaya cleared his throat, pleased to find he still retained the power of
speech. "You know," he said hoarsely, "it's just as well you didn't hang around
that other time."

Not following Takaya's train of thought, Naoe raised his head and blinked
blearily. "Mm?"

"I mean, if you stayed," Takaya said slowly, "I might have said I did too."

"Did too what?" Naoe asked, utterly mystified amidst his sated smugness.

"Loved you," Takaya muttered in an embarrassed rush. "Which would definitely
have led to sex, which would have been bad. I mean, a pier? It'd be fucking
cold. And what about splinters? No fucking way. This was a better idea. Okay,
back hurts, but no splinters."

Naoe didn't try to follow Takaya's warped train of thought. It wasn't worth it.
Whatwas worth it, on the other hand, was figuring out-- eventually, through
layers of mental fuzz-- that Takaya was going to hang around.

Maybe there would be a next time after all. Naoe would have to remember to keep
the lube on hand, just in case.
Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed
their work!
