No Going Back

Title: No Going Back
Author: Ainzfern
Series: DS9-M/U
Code: Tuvok/MU Bashir
Rating: NC-17 (M/M � VIOLENCE[implied] - NON CONS[implied])
Disclaimer: Paramount owns STAR TREK ... etc and so on and so forth! My only pay here is personal joy.
Summary: Voyager rescues Tuvok and he and Julian discover that life back on board the ship is not going to be easy. In addition, the possibility of Tuvok being reunited with T'Pel looms large on the horizon.
Archiving: Certainly- if you want to- please let me know.
Feedback: Yes please! All comments welcome.
Author's Note: I cheated a little here by kinda "making up" a scenario in which Seven is working on a way to get messages back to the Alpha Quadrant � whether that's close to the actual truth � I don't know. AnyHooo... I hope I get away with it! Oh... and I gave Tuvok a big old Ponn Far � whether he needed one or not. Blessings be showered upon Cait for her help with the BETA. (and for the line about the EMH � LOL) My greatest thanks!
* * *
"No Going Back"

Tuvok completed his final report for the morning and logged it into the console in front of him. It had been an acceptably quiet day. His second back at his station in Ops since he and Julian had voluntarily confined themselves to quarters over a week ago.
His period of Ponn Far had gone very smoothly. In fact, his young human mate had far exceeded his expectations. Julian had been intrigued from the moment Tuvok had sat him down and explained the process. When the time came, his mate had literally reveled in it. He had thrown himself into pleasuring Tuvok with both enthusiasm and tenderness.
Quite frankly, Tuvok had been amazed at the young man's stamina.
During the week, the Vulcan had initiated the Life Bond. The connection between them was now fully formed. Only concerted effort from the both of them would break it, and Tuvok seriously doubted that would ever happen.
Julian, emotional creature that he was, had both wept and laughed when he'd felt their link intensifying. They had been lying in their darkened quarters, tangled up on the bed. Golden limbs intertwined with glistening copper brown. Sweat soaked and panting from their previous coupling, the intensity of which had left Tuvok a little breathless.
Looking into Julian's luminous eyes, seeing the affection, the trust and the warmth there, Tuvok had decided it was time. He had pressed his fingertips to Julian's face and given his lover a rare, but heartfelt smile.
//Is this your desire also, Julian?//
The tears had started. "Yes... Oh Yes!"
So... it was done. They were mated. Tuvok could honestly say he had never felt more complete. He had never been so needed, so desired or so loved by anyone before. T'Pel had loved him, he knew that. But Julian EXISTED for him. Julian lived and breathed him. At times, it was nearly overwhelming.
For his own part, Tuvok was very pleased with his human T'hy'la. Living with him could be, on occasion, more than a challenge. Julian lived on the extreme outside of his skin. He could be temperamental, stubborn and deliberately obtuse. However, he made up for that in generous amounts by also being loving, passionate, considerate and attentive. Tuvok was learning his ways, just as Julian was learning his.
All in all, it was an acceptable match. Tuvok was happy.
"OK, Tuvok!" Miles O'Brien's voice came from behind him. He turned to see the rebel leader entering Ops and striding across the floor to him.
"...Just who the bloody hell did you send down to the cargo bay this morning?" O'Brien continued.
Tuvok's eyebrow rose slightly. "If I am not mistaken, you asked me to send Julian to you."
Miles leaned over Tuvok's console. The Vulcan observed his expression and realized that O'Brien was playing. He relaxed slightly.
O'Brien fixed him with a mock glare. "Well, it looks like Julian, and by God, it even SOUNDS likes Julian... but there's no way that man down there is the real one!"
Tuvok tilted his head slightly. "Indeed, Commander O'Brien? May I ask what had led you to this conclusion?"
"Because, when I asked him the catalogue our supplies, he did it!"
"This is not so unusual."
"WITHOUT complaining!"
"Ah." That WAS unusual.
Miles leaned closer, the teasing light in his eyes replaced by something else... respect. "Whatever you've done to that boy, Tuvok, keep doing it! He's a hell of a lot more pleasant to be around these days, not to mention more useful."
Tuvok nodded, acknowledging the leader's approval.
"Hey, Commander!" One of the Terrans at a forward console suddenly shouted.
"What is it, Barclay?" O'Brien asked, all business again.
"We've got something at the mouth of the wormhole... something big!"
"Alliance ships?" O'Brien turned to Tuvok.
The Vulcan checked his scans. "No Commander. There is no evidence of Alliance movement anywhere in this sector."
"Then what the devil is it?"
Tuvok's voice failed him. Looking up from his scans, he focused on the opening wormhole. He already knew. He'd recognize that signature pattern anywhere. It was...
"Voyager," he murmured as the sleek ship suddenly appeared in all her glory, heading gracefully towards Terok Nor.
*****
As Captain Janeway walked somewhat nervously along the corridors of Terok Nor, her second in command beside her, she experienced the unfamiliar sensation of having her head whirl. She and Chakotay were on their way to Tuvok's quarters, ostensibly to discuss the Vulcan's return to Voyager, but also to meet HIM... Julian Bashir, Tuvok's new mate.
She had to admit, she was thrown by the revelation. //Thrown?// she thought with a wry smile, //Who am I kidding? I was FLOORED!//
Almost the instant she had materialized in the station's Ops and laid eyes on her old friend, she's known something was up. She'd worked with Tuvok for a long time. She knew the signs. She had naturally assumed that he would wish to return to Voyager as soon as possible, but to her astonishment, he had hesitated. At that point, she had looked him square in the eye and insisted on the whole story.
And what a story it was...
If anyone else had told her that Tuvok had performed the ritual of mourning and separation from T'Pel, and then turned around and mated a human, all in the space of two months � well, she would have laughed in their face. But to hear it from Tuvok, in his own words, it was undeniable. And it did make sense. Of course, she knew he hadn't told her everything, but he told her enough. She could understand the motivation behind it all too well. Her heart had ached for him at times during his report to her as she imagined what it must have been like for him. How difficult he would have found the situation.
Plus, she had to admit, she was intrigued by the idea of Julian. What kind of human had captured the stoic Vulcan's heart? What would he be like?
Tuvok had warned her that his mate could be a difficult person to know. In so many words, he was effectively asking her to give him a fair chance. In her minds eye, she pictured someone austere, intelligent, and rather cool in demeanor... someone not too different from Tuvok, in fact.
They arrived outside Tuvok's quarters. Exchanging a quick look with Chakotay, she squared her shoulders, took a deep breath and pushed the door chime.
Tuvok met them as they entered. He welcomed them both and led them through to a small living area. The lighting in the room was quite low, enough to see by, but only just. Janeway instantly got the feeling that the dim lighting was Julian's preference rather than Tuvok's.
She spotted him almost immediately, perched on the large sill under the view port, face turned slightly away, looking out at the stars. He was dressed in black. Tight fitting pants and a loose, soft tunic. She could see that his hair was quite long, falling across his shoulders in luxurious waves. He looked relaxed, his long legs stretched out on the ledge, ankles crossed. His feet were bare.
>From the corner of her eye, she could see Chakotay peering at him, trying to get his measure. She wondered for a moment, just how long the young man intended to stay up there, ignoring them.
"Julian," Tuvok said softly. To Janeway, he didn't sound tense or concerned. He was merely getting the human's attention.
Julian turned his face to them.
Janeway felt her eyes widen. His face... he was absolutely beautiful! His soulful eyes were huge, framed by long, sooty lashes. The golden skin of his cheeks and brow was smooth and flawless. His neck was swanlike and elegant. He had a comely jaw and very high cheekbones.
//Good heavens...// Janeway thought suddenly, //an angel's face!//
Gracefully, he slid down from the sill and approached them slowly. He reached them and immediately moved in next to Tuvok.
Janeway was surprised. Julian was standing awfully close to the Vulcan. Tuvok normally wouldn't tolerate anyone getting into his personal space like that. Then she remembered again that they were life mates now. Giving a mental shrug, she allowed that it probably made a difference, at least where this human was concerned. Tuvok certainly didn't look uncomfortable.
Chakotay cleared his throat. "I think we should probably get straight to the issue, Lieutenant-Commander."
Tuvok nodded. "I concur, Commander Chakotay. Please sit down." He gestured to the plain but comfortable sitting area.
The Captain and Commander both settled into the pair of armchairs. Tuvok sat upon the small sofa. Almost casually, it seemed to Janeway, Julian nestled down against the Vulcan's side, folding his long legs up under his body.
Once again, the Captain was surprised by how unaffected Tuvok seemed to be by the human's almost possessive physical proximity to him. Then suddenly, it came to her.
//It's deliberate... They're sending messages to us.//
The more she considered the notion, the truer it seemed to be. Julian's every movement spoke clearly � "This is MINE. I'm not about to let you take it!" � As for Tuvok, it was now clear to the Captain that he was allowing Julian this liberty in front of them for a specific reason. She looked a little closer at the human. It was difficult in the dim light, but she was very good at reading people. There WAS something there. Despite his outward appearance of calm, there was a subtle tightness around his eyes, a slight shadow under them that bespoke his tension. She reasoned that somehow, Tuvok's closeness was having a steadying effect on the young man.
Feeling her eyes on him, Julian suddenly looked directly at her. His expression was not friendly. There was an unmistakable flash of anger in his eyes, a sudden challenge.
"Julian," Tuvok murmured gently.
The human relaxed slightly, looking back at his mate. The tension in the room dropped a little. However, Janeway noted, the beautiful young man's expression was slightly sullen.
//Oh Tuvok... you've got yourself quite a handful there, haven't you?//
She looked at Chakotay. His raised eyebrows indicated that he'd seen the exchange. His obsidian eyes spoke volumes to her.
As if to change the subject, Tuvok spoke, "I am curious Captain. How did you manage to ascertain my location?"
Janeway smiled, relieved to be on neutral territory, so to speak. "Actually, it was Seven. She set up a series of tests on the probes that we received back from the wormhole. They were all damaged in some way or other so it took her a while, but you know how she is about completing a task."
Tuvok nodded.
Sitting back a little, Janeway continued. "She finally found something on the first probe's recordings. It was an echo of your shuttle's final transmission. Seven theorized that the anomalous readings she found were the result of a dimensional rift."
"So you came back to the wormhole for the purposes of testing this theory?" Tuvok's eyebrow rose. "I must admit, I find it quite illogical that you would return all that way based on such a slim chance of success."
Chakotay laughed a softly at that. "You might be interested to know that we put it to a ship wide vote, Tuvok." He said, "It was unanimous. Every single person on board wanted to come back and find you."
"Even Lieutenant Paris?" Tuvok asked.
Chakotay nodded, smiling. "Even Lieutenant Paris."
"We want you back, Tuvok." Janeway said intently, leaning forward again. "To that end, I'd like to formally ask you and Mr Bashir here to join us. You, back at your station, and Mr Bashir as a civilian member of the crew." She smiled briefly at the young man. "I'm fairly certain we can find something that suits you."
Julian looked at her again. "I was a pilot. I captained my own ship," he said softly. His voice was quite something, Janeway decided. Husky and rich... elegantly accented. It suited him.
"I see..." she began.
"I'm also a fair engineer and I've had experience in field medicine." His voice grew sharp and his full mouth curled into a slight sneer. "I can operate a transporter unit and can hold my own on virtually any computer console you care to put me in front of!" He had stiffened in his seat, pulling away from Tuvok.
His Vulcan mate looked at him. Julian met his gaze with flashing eyes.
"No, Tuvok!" he said as if in response to some silent query. "She needs to know that she's not just getting a piece of your baggage!" He glared at Janeway again. "You don't have to patronize me, Captain. I'm sure that I'll be fine in whatever position you think... SUITS me!"
Janeway was silent for a moment, calming her irritation, trying to put herself in Julian's place. "If I offended you, Mr Bashir, then I apologize. That was not my intention."
She turned again to Tuvok. "Perhaps you need to discuss this some more... decide if this is what you both really want."
She stood then, signaling Chakotay to join her. "We can give you twenty four hours. After that, we'll have to go, with or without you."
Tuvok also rose and walked them to the door. "Thank you, Captain," he said softly. "Please forgive Julian's outburst. He has been under a certain strain and has an unfortunate tendency to over-react."
Janeway smiled at him. "Don't worry about it, Tuvok. I can imagine this is a very difficult situation for him. He's only just found you and here I come, trying to lure you away. Please assure him, that is the LAST thing I want to do."
Tuvok nodded at her, his eyes slightly startled. Janeway could tell she surprised him with her perceptiveness.
"Good night, Tuvok," she said softly as the door slid shut.
Chakotay let out a long breath. "Well, Captain... what do you make of him?"
She shook her head. "Honestly? I'm not sure. I hate to go with first impressions but..."
"He could be trouble."
"I'm afraid you might be right," she agreed. "Still, I'll put up with him if it means I can get Tuvok back on board."
They headed off down the corridor. As they walked along, Chakotay looked at her again, his dark eyes mirroring his concern. "The question is, Captain... HOW much will we have to put up with?"
Janeway didn't have an answer for that one.
*****
When Tuvok returned to his living room, he found Julian back on his perch under the view port again. He went directly to him and stood by his shoulder. Looking down at his mate, observing his sullen appearance, he patiently waited.
Gradually, Julian's expression changed as he considered what had just occurred. He looked up at Tuvok, his large eyes slightly guilty. "I was rude to her, wasn't I?"
"Yes."
Julian sighed, his eyes downcast. "I'm sorry, Tuvok."
"It is not me you need to apologize to, Julian."
"I know. I'll contact her in the morning and try to make it right."
Tuvok reached out and placed a gentle hand around the back of Julian's slender neck. "That would be appropriate, T'hy'la."
Julian sighed again and leaned into him, seeking the comfort of his embrace. Without hesitation, Tuvok complied, wrapping his arms around the slim shoulders. He could feel his young mate's agitation clearly. "We do not have to accept the Captain's proposal if you do not wish to, Julian," assured him gently.
Julian shook his head. "Yes we do, Tuvok."
"Julian..."
"No, listen to me, Tuvok." The young man pulled back slightly and looked into Tuvok's eyes. "You want to go back, I can FEEL that. Let me do something for you for a change."
Tuvok's arms tightened around him. "It is true I would like to return to Voyager. But you are my Life Mate. I do not want you to be unhappy."
Julian smiled and pressed his soft lips to the side of Tuvok's neck. "I won't be unhappy as long as I'm with you."
They stayed in that close embrace for some time. Tuvok considered his mate as he continued to rub his hands soothingly over his back, feeling the ridges of scar tissue through the soft material of his tunic.
He found it ironic at times that he had ended up mating such a tactile creature. For Julian, nothing substituted for the comfort of being held. The mental link between them served only to intensify his desire for it. To his own mild surprise, Tuvok had adapted to this marital duty very quickly. The longer he was bonded with Julian, the easier it was to allow more frequent physical contact.
Still, even as he felt some of the tension leaving his mate, he recognized that Julian was still deeply preoccupied. He suspected that is was more than just leaving for Voyager that was bothering him. Julian hadn't flared up like that in quite a while. Tuvok resolved to clear the air.
"What else is troubling you, T'hy'la?" he asked softly. "You are still unsettled."
Julian shrugged. "It's stupid, Tuvok. Don't worry about it."
Tuvok looked down at him sternly. "That is not an acceptable answer, Julian."
Julian grimaced. "I take it you're going to insist?"
"I am."
The human heaved another sigh. "Having a mate who can read your feelings is a real pain the arse sometimes, do you know that?"
Tuvok quirked an eyebrow at him.
Julian rolled his eyes. "OK... What happens when Voyager gets home, Tuvok?" he asked, his eyes suddenly vulnerable. "What happens to us when you see T'Pel again?"
Tuvok nodded. He had suspected this was the problem. "Julian, you must not concern yourself with this. I will not leave you."
"Do you promise, Tuvok?" Julian's question was almost desperate, "You won't leave me?"
"Yes, T'hy'la. I promise."
Julian nodded, accepting the answer, at least for now. Tuvok made a mental note to reinforce Julian's confidence on the issue. For now though, his mate was tired and he himself felt the events of the day catching up with him. Gently, he lifted Julian down from the sill and set him on his feet.
"It is time to rest, Julian," he said. "We will have much to do tomorrow."
Julian smiled wryly. "Starting with an apology and ending in a journey."
"Indeed," Tuvok agreed as he guided his mate to their small bedroom.
*****
The Captain sat comfortably behind her desk in the bridge's ready room, beloved coffee cup cradled in her hands. She opened her Log, entered the Stardate and began recording.
"It's been two months now since Lieutenant-Commander Tuvok has re-joined us, and I am compelled to admit that his young mate's settling in period has taken far longer than I would have hoped."
She sighed then and paused the recording, gathering her thoughts.
"Computer � resume. I have no real complaints about their performance on a general level. Quite the contrary. For the most part, Lieutenant-Commander Tuvok performs to his usual high standard, and Mr Bashir is receiving good reports from Lieutenant Torres in engineering."
Janeway paused again, smiling slightly. The young ex-rebel had seemed to take an instant shine to B'Elanna, which was surprising since he was still so standoffish with the rest of the crew. Janeway secretly suspected that the pair had found a common interest regarding their pre-Voyager lives. She could just picture them during their work breaks, comparing old war wounds and sharing Maquis/Terran rebel stories.
"However," she resumed, "I still have grave doubts concerning their behavior on a more personal level. I find Mr Bashir turning up on the bridge more and more frequently when Tuvok is on shift. It's almost as if he's unwilling to let Tuvok out of his sight for too long! I can understand that he's still nervous about being here, but quite frankly, the constant interruptions of these visits is becoming a nuisance. Furthermore, I have now, on more than one occasion, found Tuvok in a distracted state at his station. It's obvious that he's concentrating on his mate rather than his duties. This, in all honesty, is unacceptable.
I've sent Tuvok along with Commander Chakotay and Neelix on an away mission to procure supplies on the planet we're currently orbiting. This will be the first time the pair has been fully separated since they arrived on Voyager together. I am interested to see how they both cope. I need my crew to be flexible and willing to adapt to new orders at a moments notice. I don't need Tuvok limited like this."
She sighed heavily, draining her cup.
"When Tuvok returns from this mission, I think I'll bring him in here and address a few of these issues.
The bottom line is... Julian has to adapt to life on Voyager. The entire crew cannot be expected to bend out of shape to fit around him. End Log."
Janeway rubbed at her temples slowly. She really did not want to tell anyone how to run their personal lives, least of all a Vulcan. But she was very concerned. It was obvious that Tuvok needed to help his human mate to control himself. Right now Julian seemed to be on a knife's edge. Janeway privately wondered just why on earth Tuvok had chosen him. He was skittish and highly strung, stubborn and easily antagonized. The only people who could coax him into behaving himself without complaint were Tuvok and to a lesser degree, B'Elanna.
Anyone else didn't have a hope. She'd begun to receive complaints about the young man. About what the crew perceived to be his difficult and rude behavior. They also felt he was being given preferential treatment in this regard by not being "bawled out", as they put it, by the Captain.
She could see the resentment beginning to build. It would only be a matter of time before...
"Sick Bay to Captain Janeway."
Janeway tapped her com badge. "Janeway here. What's the problem, Doctor?"
"The PROBLEM, Captain..." She could hear the irritation dripping of the EMH's every syllable, "is that I have a MOST disagreeable patient down here! I'm hoping you can get Lieutenant-Commander Tuvok in here as soon as..." The doctor broke off for a moment.
"Mr Bashir..." The doctor's voice came back over the link again, "...I hardly think that kind of language in necessary. I have NO intention of doing ANYTHING with my genitalia. Besides, what you just suggested isn't physically possible!"
Janeway rolled her eyes. "I'll be there as soon as I can, Doctor."
Feeling the anger rising within her, she pushed sharply away from her desk and strode out onto the bridge. As she passed by Lieutenant Paris on the way to the turbo lift, she rapped out a short command.
"Lieutenant Paris! Get in touch with the away team. Tell them I want Chakotay and Tuvok to meet me at Sick Bay without delay!"
"Yes Captain!" Paris replied as she left.
Turning slightly, he exchanged wry looks with Lieutenant Kim, seated at the next console.
"What do you suppose that's all about?" Kim asked.
Tom smiled grimly. "I have a few ideas, Harry." As he opened a link to the Commander, he shook his head. "Jeeze Tuvok," he muttered, "what's your little Rebel gone and done NOW?"
*****
On the planet's surface, Neelix, Chakotay and Tuvok were closing a transaction on a dozen crates of comestibles for Neelix's kitchen.
Bargaining down to an acceptable figure with the elderly merchant, Neelix spun around and presented his Padd with a flair to Tuvok.
"There you are, Mr Vulcan!" Neelix said. "Is this acceptable to you?"
Tuvok didn't answer.
Chakotay looked at him, immediately noticing the distance in his dark eyes. "Tuvok!" he said sharply.
Tuvok blinked. "I apologize, Commander. I was momentarily distracted. My mate is experiencing some difficulties."
Chakotay sighed and gave Neelix the nod to continue his transaction. Stepping closer to Tuvok, he lowered his voice. "Tuvok, I know that Julian has had some trouble settling in, and I know that you feel naturally protective towards him. But the fact is, you can't keep running off every single time he..."
Chakotay's com badge chirped. "Voyager to Commander Chakotay."
"Chakotay here. What's up, Tom?"
"The Captain wants you back right away. There's been some trouble. You and Tuvok are supposed to meet her in the sick bay ASAP!"
Chakotay sighed. Turning to Neelix he asked, "Are you OK to finish here?"
Neelix nodded. "Oh yes, Commander. You can count on me!"
Chakotay gave Tuvok a dark look and tapped his com badge again. "Voyager... two to beam up."
******
"Mr Bashir," Captain Janeway was trying with little success to conceal her frustration, "the Doctor is only trying to help you. Please cooperate!"
Julian crossed his arms and glared at her. "No!"
"All he's asking you to do is remove your shirt so that he can assess your..."
"I said, NO!" Julian shouted at her.
Mr Bashir!" The doctor tried again, "Lieutenant Torres said she saw you take several body blows during your altercation with Ensign Winger. I need to be sure that your injuries aren't serious."
"If you touch me, I'll break your fucking arm!" Julian snarled at him.
"I'm a hologram, Mr Bashir. I can't be bent, spindled or mutilated."
"You want us to restrain him, Doc?" Lieutenant Denarrdo, one of the security team who had escorted Bashir to the sick bay, asked. He and his partner both looked at Julian with open dislike. Winger was ex-Maquis, as were they. They obviously didn't appreciate Julian's attack on the man.
"That will not be necessary, Lieutenant Denarrdo," Tuvok said from the doorway. He strode straight past Janeway and stood next to the bio-bed, not touching Julian, just being near him.
He looked into the human's eyes for a long moment. As Chakotay moved to stand beside Janeway, she got the strong impression that Tuvok was silently calming Julian. The tension was visibly leaving the young man's shoulders. She felt a momentary stab of compassion for him, thinking that he must have found this episode quite confrontational. Surrounded by people who didn't like him and who also wanted him to take his clothes off. The she reminded herself of why he was here, and her expression hardened again.
Winger had been treated for, among other injuries, a broken nose and fractured jaw. According to the doctor, he'd been very lucky not to have sustained more serious damage. Bashir has apparently laid into him like some sort of street thug.
Eventually, Tuvok spoke. "They will not hurt you, Julian. Please do as the Doctor asks."
Nodding, the human rather stiffly removed his loose shirt, keeping his eyes on Tuvok the whole time.
"Awww...Christ!" She heard Denarrdo moan softly.
Janeway opened her mouth to speak several times, but nothing seemed to want to come out. Finally, she settled for just pressing her hand to her lips and staring. Tears of compassion filled her eyes. She had no idea what to say.
//Oh, dear God. Dear God! What HAPPENED to him?//
She'd never seen such scars, such heart wrenching evidence of abuse, before. She glanced at Chakotay and saw that he was just as pale as she felt. She knew that as a Maquis leader, he would have seen many abused bodies, but even he looked deeply disturbed by the dreadful marks on Bashir's slender torso.
After a moment's horrified silence, the doctor stepped forward and began treatment on the coloring bruises across the human's ribs. The young man now seemed to be in total control of himself. Indeed as Janeway watched, she was astonished to see him give Tuvok a tiny smile, as if to assure the Vulcan that he was all right.
"You know, Mr Bashir," said the doctor as he worked, "if you'd been given proper medical attention at the time of these injuries, you wouldn't have all these scars."
Janeway closed her eyes, feeling mortified for Julian, damning the EMH and his never-ending penchant for lectures.
Julian turned to him, his eyes haunted. "Medical treatment wasn't exactly high on the agenda when these injuries were given to me."
//Given to him...// Janeway echoed silently, appalled to have her suspicions confirmed. All of a sudden, everything Julian had said or done since she'd first met him made sense.
The doctor concluded his treatment. "Nevertheless, Mr Bashir, could you tell me what kind of treatment you DID recei..."
"Perhaps, Doctor," Tuvok said sharply, helping Julian to slide his shirt back on again, "we might leave this line of questioning for the moment?"
"But..."
Janeway stepped in at that point. "Lieutenant-Commander Tuvok is right, Doctor. Now is not the time."
The EMH sighed. "Very well... as it seems I have no say in the matter, I'll release you into the care of your mate, Mr Bashir. I'm also giving you the next day off. I want you to rest. Give those bruised ribs of yours time to heal properly."
Julian nodded and slipped off the bio-bed.
Janeway looked at Tuvok. "Effective immediately, you're off duty for the next twenty four hours, Lieutenant-Commander."
Tuvok nodded. Then he touched Julian's shoulder briefly, indicating that they could leave. Janeway saw Denarrdo and his partner move away from the wall. She held up a hand at them. "That won't be necessary, gentlemen."
She noted both men stepped back with evident relief and no small amount of shame on their faces. She guessed they hadn't been particularly gentle with Julian during the escort detail.
As Tuvok and Julian reached the door, the human turned back to the doctor.
"None," he said softly.
The doctor blinked. "I'm sorry?"
Julian looked at him somberly, his eyes huge and vulnerable. "You wanted to know what medical treatment I DID get?" Julian explained, then he shrugged. "I got none."
With that, he turned and joined his mate as they both left the sick bay.
In the silence left behind them, the remaining officers stared at each other. Finally, Janeway found her voice. "Opinions, gentlemen?"
"Most of the marks are not recent, I can be certain of that," the doctor advised, examining his medical tricorder readings. "Mr Bashir has extensive scaring that would appear to be the result of systematic abuse. I would even go so far as to say that some of the injuries easily go back to his late childhood."
Janeway's heart clenched. "Childhood..?" she whispered. "Oh, dear God!"
"I've never seen anything like it," Chakotay said, shaking his head, "and I've seen men who've been worked over WELL."
"I suppose it's remarkable that he's able to function in normal society at all." The doctor added, "I should imagine his bond with Mr Tuvok would have a great deal to do with that."
Chakotay nodded. "I agree... I don't even want to imagine what he was like before Tuvok managed to teach him some control."
Janeway lifted her head decisively. "In light of this new information, I believe it may be appropriate to review our attitudes to Mr Bashir. I'll talk to Tuvok once things settle down... try to find out how we can make thing easier for them."
The two senior officers nodded at her.
"Did you see his back?!" Denarrdo suddenly burst out, startling the trio. "Holy Hell... did you see his BACK?"
"Denarrdo! Westby!" Chakotay barked. Immediately, the two men stiffened to attention. "Not a word of what you saw here today gets out... do you hear me? Not a word!"
Both men nodded.
"OK, dismissed." Chakotay jerked his head towards the exit.
The senior officers waited until they were alone again.
"Do you think they'll stick to their promise?" Janeway asked hopefully.
Chakotay grimaced. "Not a chance. You might have to have that talk with Tuvok a little sooner than you thought."
Janeway nodded slowly. "Not tonight though." She said sadly, "Let's just leave well enough alone for tonight."
* * *
Upon entering their quarters, Julian went directly to the bed without uttering a word. He lay down, rolled over and stared at the wall, his back to Tuvok.
The Vulcan followed and sat on the edge of the bed, gathering his thoughts.
Presently, Julian spoke. "I know what you're going to say, Tuvok... just get it over with."
Tuvok's brow quirked... So it was going to be one of THOSE conversations. He stifled a sigh.
"Julian, what happened today between yourself and Ensign Winger, should not have occurred."
"He started it!" Julian flared, rolling over to look at him.
"Nevertheless, you must work alongside him. You should not have allowed him to provoke you to violence."
"But..."
"No Julian. You are capable of controlling yourself. I am disappointed that you chose not to in this situation."
Julian stared at him. His eyes were shining with injury. Tuvok could feel it coming off him in waves.
"You weren't there, Tuvok!" he protested. "You didn't hear what he said!"
"What Ensign Winger said is irrelevant."
Julian sat up. "No it's not!" he shouted. "I came back from my break to find him taking BETS on us!"
Tuvok closed his eyes momentarily. He could indeed picture Ensign Winger doing exactly that.
Voice vibrating with anger, Julian continued, "He was giving odds on what would happen if you were able to contact T'Pel again... how long it would take you to give me the Vulcan neck pinch and shove me out the nearest air lock!"
Tuvok suddenly understood. Winger's little display of high spirits had touched on Julian's most sensitive spot. His own frustration dissipated as he took in his mate's perfect face. He could see how strained and tired Julian was. All things considered, today had been very hard on him.
He reached out and stroked his mate's neck, noting that some of the tension in the young man relaxed slightly at the gesture. The beneficial power of his touch on Julian still managed to amaze him at times.
"Julian," he said gently, "your anger is understandable, but you must realize that your reaction was not necessary. You should have come to me. I would have arranged a mediation between you. You would have been able to confront the issue without resorting to attacking the Ensign."
"I couldn't help it, Tuvok. I'm sorry." Julian's face was miserable. "I just... I can't get it out of my mind. I'm so scared of losing you... and I wouldn't blame you, Tuvok! I know I drive you crazy, that you never would have considered me if I hadn't forced myself on you! I know I'm not good enough for you..."
"Stop it!" Tuvok's voice was sharp as he allowed a touch of his dismay at Julian's self-recrimination to show. He pulled the human onto his lap and cradled his shoulders in one arm. With his free hand, he cupped Julian's chin, forcing him to look into his eyes. "I do not EVER wish to hear those words from you again, Julian."
"But..."
Tuvok shook his head. He knew how vulnerable Julian was on this subject. Through his whole life, the young man had been conditioned to believe that once his latest "Master" had tired of him, he would be discarded. He was never treated as if he was worth anything at all, and so had come to believe it himself. It was Tuvok's only real source of frustration with his young mate that he couldn't seem to get through to him on this issue. He knew that most of Julian's outbursts stemmed from this particular insecurity. If only Tuvok could convince him...
"You are my Life Mate, Julian. My T'hy'la," he said. "Do you truly believe that I would choose a mate who would not make me happy?"
Mutely, Julian shook his head and sighed, resting his cheek against Tuvok's warm shoulder. He was seeking comfort again and Tuvok was more than willing to provide it. The scene in sick bay earlier had concerned him greatly. So had the looks upon the Captain and Commander's faces, as they stared in open horror at his mate. He had struggled with the brief urge to just gather Julian up and get him out of there. He did not like Julian being subjected to that kind of pitying scrutiny. Pity wasn't what he needed.
Taking Julian's cue, Tuvok lowered the young man back onto the bed and opened his tunic. He pushed it off and ran his hands over the scarred skin of Julian's sleekly muscled torso. As always, he felt a pang of pain inside him as he looked at the marks.
The human's supple, graceful body was a gift, meant to be treasured. Nature had designed him with pleasure in mind. Instead, he had been used as an object of abuse. Brutalized, when he should have been cherished. Tortured, when he should have been loved.
Leaning down, he pressed his mouth to Julian's, silently exulting in his responses. Rejoicing in the taste of him, the smell of him, the feel of him. He could sense Julian's affection and desire flowing back to him as his touches became more insistent.
Carefully removing the rest of his mate's clothing, Tuvok resolved to pleasure his T'hy'la well. He would coax as many climaxes out of the young man as he could. Hopefully, if he was able to leave Julian sufficiently sated and exhausted, then the human might achieve an adequate night's sleep. After today, he definitely needed it.
*****
- CRACK! �
Getting the power of his solid shoulders behind the blow, The Master brought the whip down across Julian's naked, bloodied back.
- CRACK! �
"You embarrassed me, pretty," the Master told him.
Julian was barely able to whimper. His voice was gone, made useless by hours of screaming. He shook his head helplessly.
- CRACK! �
"Yes, you DID! I've never heard such a racket! Those were important men, pretty. You lost me a great deal of money tonight!"
Clutching helplessly at the hard marble floor, Julian writhed as he felt the whip connect with his ruined flesh again. He didn't want to move too much. It was too painful.
- CRACK! �
Julian's head flung back in a silent scream. Surely there was no more skin left on his back! The Master had told him he'd take tonight's losses out of his hide. Apparently he'd meant it.
He hadn't been able to help it! He'd tried but... they'd hurt him. He'd felt something tear inside. The pain had been so bad! But they hadn't stopped and he'd started to cry, and still they hadn't stopped and he'd started to scream.
- CRACK! �
There was such pain inside him, deep in his bowels. His lower back throbbed endlessly. It almost drowned out the whip...
- CRACK! �
...almost. He was still bleeding down there. He could feel it, slick and warm between the cheeks of his backside, smeared like paint across his thighs. The cramps in his belly were sharp and insistent. He'd vomited twice already. He'd wet himself too. It wasn't fair! He hadn't been able to help it!
- CRACK! �
"You think you've experienced pain, pretty? You think that what happened tonight was ANY excuse for shaming me that way?"
He heard a clatter as the wooden handle of the whip hit the floor beside him. The Master was kneeling down behind him. He could hear the rustle of velvet as The Master unfastened the front of his tunic.
"I'll tell you what, pretty." The Master said, his breath hard and heavy, "You like screaming so much? I've got LOTS of ways I can make you scream..."
Rough hands jerked his hips up sharply. Agony speared through his insides again. He felt the gorge rising in his throat. The Master's hard erection pressed against the inside of his blood-smeared thigh.
Oh God! Oh surely not! He struggled with every last ounce of strength he possessed to form one last, desperate plea.
"Please...please no! No, no, NO NO NOOOOO!!"
//Julian.//
Darkness... where was he? Thrashing and gasping, Julian fought to escape against the hands that held him so tightly.
//Julian. I want you to wake up now.//
He drew in a great, sobbing breath. Reality came back in a sudden rush. He was in bed. It was dark. He was in his quarters, their quarters. On the ship. On Voyager. The hands upon him belonged to...
"Tuvok?" he rasped, his whole body shaking violently.
"Yes. You were having another nightmare." Warm hands moved across his shoulders in the dark. Arms wrapped around him gently, pulling him against a firm chest.
He clutched at the Vulcan, trying to get closer, trying to hide in him. "Yeah," he whispered brokenly against Tuvok's warm neck. Tears, hot and without shame, dampened his cheeks.
"The same one?"
Julian nodded. Tuvok's arms tightened around him. The human sighed, trying to bring himself under control. He knew that his agitation distressed his mate enormously. The link between them was a wonderful thing, but sometimes it had its drawbacks.
"I'm sorry, Tuvok," he murmured, "I didn't mean to wake you up like that."
"Apologies are not necessary, Julian." Tuvok's voice was very gentle. A warm hand slipped up to cradle the back of his neck. "You are not responsible for your dreams."
Julian sighed again and relaxed into the embrace. He could feel a sense of affection and calm flowing over him from the Vulcan. Tuvok was sending him "good vibes", as Julian delighted in calling them. His mate's other hand continued to rub over his back soothingly. The last vestiges of his awful sleeping memory were fading away.
He snuggled closer, sliding his arms around Tuvok's waist, enjoying the feel of his higher body temperature. Until tonight, there hadn't been much opportunity for the pair to enjoy this level of closeness since they'd been on Voyager. Julian definitely felt the need for physical affection now though. He found having Tuvok make love with him the most effective way of putting his nightmares behind him. Admittedly, since he'd mated the Vulcan, his dreams had become much rarer. But still, emotional stress, such as today, invariably brought them on.
He sought Tuvok's mouth with his own, concentrating on projecting his desire to the older man. To his delight, as Tuvok moved over him, he felt the Vulcan's body was already fully erect. Smiling against his mate's lips, Julian relaxed onto his back and allowed Tuvok to touch him freely.
For all his stoic Vulcan implacability, Tuvok was remarkably responsive to the young human. Perhaps it was the bond between them, Julian reflected. Just as Julian could feel Tuvok's moods, so could Tuvok feel his, and Julian's passions ran very deep at times.
Like now... with those warm hands moving over him in the dark, stroking and rubbing.
"Touch me here..." Julian whispered, guiding Tuvok's hands to his nipples. The Vulcan's fingers splayed across his slender chest and a pair of warm thumbs rubbed slowly, but firmly over the hardened nubs.
Julian moaned and moved into the touch. He was glad that Tuvok insisted that Julian tell him what he liked. It made such a difference to have someone give to him rather than take.
As his hips began to rock helplessly, Tuvok knelt between his thighs and turned his attention to his aching erection. Warm hands touched him gently, cupping his balls lightly, then they stilled. "What would you like, Julian?" Tuvok's calm voice came through the darkness.
"Uh... your mouth. Would you use your mouth?"
He felt Tuvok shift again. "As you wish, T'hy'la." Seconds later, a warm wetness descended onto him, licking and teasing.
It had taken Julian some time to admit that he wanted this kind of stimulation. In the past, this act had always brought back bad memories. But he found that, with Tuvok, we wanted it very much.
He moaned loudly as Tuvok continued to work on his throbbing member with hands and mouth. For someone who had never been with another man before, Julian thought hazily, he certainly had a talent for this!
"Tuvok!" he gasped suddenly. "Unless you want me coming right now, you'd better stop!"
His Vulcan mate sat back. "I take it that you wish to achieve climax in a specific way?" His deep voice sounded slightly amused.
Julian chuckled, delighted at the teasing note. He was inordinately pleased that Tuvok allowed so many of his emotional walls to come down with him. Lifting his knees up and parting his legs, he reached out and stroked his mate's chest with gentle fingertips. "Yes, Tuvok. I want you inside... don't make me wait."
"I would never consider the notion, Julian." Tuvok assured him in that same gentle tone.
Julian breathed deeply, calming his body slightly as Tuvok prepared himself. Finally, he felt his mate settle between his thighs again, lift his hips slightly and press into his body. So slow and easy...
Arching off the bed, Julian began undulating against Tuvok, bringing him in deeper. He loved this feeling, this wonderful fullness and the gentleness with which it was given. Their movements increased as the heat built inside both of them.
Panting slightly, Tuvok stroked Julian's face. "Are you ready, T'hy'la?"
"Yes...yes. Oh God! Yes...do it, Tuvok!"
With a soft moan, Tuvok lightly placed the fingertips of one hand against the side of Julian's face.
//Come with me, T'hy'la.//
And then, there was bliss. Julian's drawn out wail of release echoed through the dark quarters. All he knew was pleasure. Tuvok within his body. Tuvok within his mind. Coming... coming endlessly, feeling his own climax, feeling Tuvok's climax. The bond between them tightening just that little bit further as the pleasure crested and washed over them.
Finally the paroxysms ceased, and Julian drifted in a warm haze. Safe in his mate's arms. Safe in his mate's mind. Sated and calm, he slipped into a deep sleep, with Tuvok's gentle thoughts still echoing in his head.
//T'hy'la... Sleep, Julian. I will keep you safe.//
*****
A few nights later, Captain Janeway located Tuvok, taking a moment's respite in the darkened observation lounge. As she entered, she focused on the lean, imposing figure silhouetted against the stars.
"Taking a break?" she murmured as she stepped up beside him.
"Good evening, Captain." Tuvok nodded at her. "Yes... Julian is on a late shift with Lieutenant Torres. I felt the need for a moment's solitude."
"If you'd rather be left alone..."
"That is not necessary, Captain. In fact, I had just decided to seek you out myself."
"I glad. I've been meaning to talk to you," she told him.
"Regarding Julian?"
"Yes. How has he been? I mean, after the incident the other day? Lieutenant Torres tells me he's been very quiet."
Tuvok was silent for a moment before replying. "He has had much on his mind lately. However, I note that in general, the crew's attitude has softened somewhat in regard to him."
Janeway sighed. "I'm sorry about it being spread around like that. Denarrdo and Westby have both been reprimanded."
"Actually, Captain, in spite of the manner in which the information was distributed, the outcome has been positive. Julian tells me that he has received several overtures of friendship � particularly from the ex-Maquis."
Janeway nodded. "They can relate to him a little more now, I guess." She looked at him closely. "And you, Tuvok? How are you holding up?"
"I must admit, I find myself nearing a difficult decision."
"You mean Seven's plan to get recorded messages back to the Alpha Quadrant? It may not happen, you know... she's been working on it without success for some time now."
"I have been given an indication by her that she may be nearing completion."
"And you're worried about how this will effect Julian?"
"Indeed," Tuvok nodded. "In fact, the issue of T'Pel remains one of contention between he and I."
"You feel like he's trying to force your hand?"
Tuvok shook his head. "I do not believe that he means to do so intentionally. Rather, he seeks closure of some kind."
Janeway sighed again. "I can't possibly hope to advise you from personal experience, Tuvok. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through � knowing that either way you choose, you will hurt someone that you love."
"That is why I believe it is important for me to bring an end to this situation now. In fairness to Julian... and to myself. To allow time for adjustment."
The Captain nodded, her faced filled with sympathy. "I can understand that. Whatever happens, Tuvok, you know you'll always have my complete support."
"I appreciate that, Captain," Tuvok said as he turned towards the exit. "For now though, it is late. I should retire for the night."
"Tuvok!" Janeway stopped him at the door. "I will offer you this advice... whichever way you choose, you'll have to live with your decision for the rest of your life. Make sure you consider your OWN feelings in the matter too. In the end, it has to come down to what is best for you." Janeway's face was very somber.
Tuvok nodded as the door slid back. "You have given me much to consider, Captain," he said as they stepped out into the corridor.
"If you need to talk, Tuvok, you know where to find me."
The door slid shut.
Neither Tuvok, nor the Captain realized that Ensign Winger had been present for the conversation. Curled up on one of the sofas in the shadowed far corner of the lounge, his sharp ears had heard every word.
Of course... it hadn't been too difficult for Winger to draw his own conclusions. It was pretty clear from what Lieutenant-Commander Tuvok had said that his human mate was on borrowed time.
He figured with this information, he could score very well on the next betting pool.
*****
"Look, Winger..." Tom Paris rolled his eyes. "Harry just told you! We're not interested in your betting pool!"
"Yeah, Winger," Harry agreed, "it just isn't funny anymore. Not now that we know more about Bashir's story."
"Oh C'mon guys..." Winger begged. "I can make you a fortune on this one! Look, everyone thinks they're going to stick together, right?"
The trio was in the virtually deserted Ten Forward. Tom and Harry had been enjoying an early breakfast, when they were accosted by Winger and his "sure thing".
"Well, I have proof that Tuvok's going to pitch Bashir over for T'Pel!" Winger continued.
Tom shook his head. "That's just crap, Winger," he said irritably. "Where the hell did you hear this?"
Harry tapped his arm. "Tom?"
Winger grinned slyly at the blond pilot. "From the man himself, Paris!" he said grandly.
Harry tried again. "Uh... Tom?"
Tom frowned. "Tuvok actually TOLD you that?"
"Nah... I overheard him talking to the Captain last night."
"You eavesdropped on the Captain?!"
"Hey, it wasn't MY fault they didn't see me!"
"Tom!" Harry yelled. "Would you shut him up?!"
Winger bristled. "What's your problem, Kim?"
Harry, his face somber, nodded in the direction of the entrance to Ten Forward. Tom and Winger followed his gaze.
Pale faced and shaking, Julian was standing behind them. His expression clearly showed that he'd heard it all. His chest heaved visibly and they could hear his ragged breathing as his struggled for control.
"Oh shit..." Winger muttered, bracing himself for another attack.
Tom stood up slowly. "Hey... Bashir, don't take any notice of Winger. He's... he's full if it, OK?"
Julian's large eyes flicked to him. Tom winced as he recognized the agony in them.
For a moment, no one moved. No one spoke.
Then, slowly... Julian closed his eyes, turned away and walked out of the room. But not before Tom had seen the hopeless, shattered look of loss that had settled over his face.
"Oh man," Tom muttered as he and Harry stalked past Winger, "you are such an idiot!"
"Where are you going?" Winger demanded.
Tom didn't even look back. "Where d'you think? We're going to find Tuvok."
*****
Tuvok and the Captain were joined in the bridge ready room by B'Elanna, Tom and Harry. It was fairly evident to everyone present that Tuvok already knew something had happened to Julian.
"I sensed his distress quite clearly, Lieutenant Paris," he replied when Tom had finished filling them in.
"That damned Winger!" B'Elanna growled, "When I get my hands on him..." She turned on Tuvok, "Why are you still here?" she demanded. "Go find Julian!"
"I am afraid I cannot, Lieutenant Torres," Tuvok replied softly. "He is blocking me now. I cannot locate him."
"He knows how to do that?" Janeway sounded astonished.
The Vulcan nodded. "I taught him the technique on Terok Nor. This is however, the first time he has used it."
His crewmates knew him well. They could read the pain in his words. The technique wasn't supposed to be used against one's own mate.
B'Elanna suddenly straightened. "I think I have an idea... let me go and check." She waited for the Captain's nod and then quickly left.
Janeway looked at Tuvok for a long moment. She quietly dismissed Paris and Kim and waited until she and her old friend were alone. "I think, if you are going to do something, you had better do it now, Tuvok. Drawing this situation out serves no purpose."
A small sigh escaped the normally controlled Vulcan. "You are right, Captain. I had hoped for more time in which to formulate what I wished to say, but it is evident that I do not have that luxury."
Janeway regarded him with profound sympathy. "Just follow your heart, Tuvok. That's all you can do."
Tuvok nodded at her and left the ready room. Crossing the bridge, he remained typically composed. He entered the turbo lift and requested his deck. As the lift moved, he began to breath deeply, preparing himself for the awful task that awaited him once he was back in his quarters.
*****
B'Elanna found him in the engineering storage room, perched up on one of the rear shelves.
Engineering had been strangely quiet. Only a few of her team were on shift. Ensign Winger was conspicuous by his absence. As B'Elanna had crossed the main bay, she'd grown more and more certain that she was right. Entering the storage room, she'd called for light on... and there he was.
She walked down the shelving units and climbed up next to him. "Move over."
Without looking at her, Julian complied, sliding over so that she could plop herself down next to him, her legs dangling over the edge of the shelf.
She waited.
"How did you know I was here?" Julian asked finally, his beautiful voice strangely dull and lifeless.
She shrugged. "I may not be linked to you, but I can tell when a guy needs a place to let off steam... yeah, I've seen you. I know this is your own little cooling off area. I never said anything because I figured it was a good idea."
Julian made a non-committal noise and stared at the shelves on the opposite wall. "You need more induction wire," he told her.
She shrugged. "I know."
"Tuvok's going to leave me."
She looked at him sharply. "You don't know that!"
Julian nodded. "Yes... yes I do. He's been preparing for something for days now. This is it."
"Julian..."
"I mean, now that woman, Seven, is so close to getting you in touch with the people you... you love... I mean, why wouldn't he want to get rid of me?"
"Julian, you're assuming too much and you're being ridiculous!"
He turned his stricken face towards her. "I'm not, you know," he said sadly. "Compared to him, I'm like a child! I'm stubborn and I'm too keyed up all the time. I drain him! I've got all this damage, all this baggage still attached to me and I just expected him to take it all on! He gives so much to me, B'Elanna. I never had ANYONE care about me the way he does. He's never denied my anything. He's been so good and so kind to me... and all I've done is TAKE from him!"
"Look," B'Elanna leaned forward, "I don't know where you're coming from, but I know devotion when I see it. All Tuvok has to do is LOOK at you and you jump to attention, ready to do whatever he asks!"
"It's not enough, B'Elanna. He needs a Vulcan mate. He needs someone worthy of him."
"I don't believe this!" B'Elanna threw her hands in the air. "You can't just give up!"
"I'm hurting him, B'Elanna," Julian whispered.
"Yes, you are! By keeping this from him! Go to him. Talk to him. For God's sake, Julian, FIGHT for him!"
He smiled wanly at her and slipped down from the ledge. "One has to recognize when the time for fighting has passed," Julian said. "Tuvok told me that."
As she watched him leave, B'Elanna felt her heart sink. She was loath to think of what would happen to him if it turned out he was right.
*****
Approaching his quarters, Julian's heart began to ache in earnest. Tuvok was inside, he could feel it. He could also feel that the Vulcan was in considerable pain. His mate was preparing for closure. Julian was now sure of it. He was preparing to sever their link. There could be no other explanation. Who was Julian to compare with Tuvok's first mate, T'Pel?
T'Pel... the beautiful Vulcan who had been so central to Tuvok's life before Julian met him. For God's sake, they had children together... they were a family! How could Julian possible hope to win against that?
Standing outside their quarters, Julian suddenly knew what he had to do. He loved Tuvok more than anything in the universe. His stoic, implacable Vulcan mate had given him more peace and joy in these last six months that he'd ever had in his whole miserable life. For that, he would always be grateful.
He owed Tuvok more that he could ever repay. He would free him. He would let him go back to the woman he loved and the life he deserved.
It would break his heart, but he would do it.
As the door to their quarters slid quietly back, Julian realized he could hear Tuvok's voice. Entering the room, he understood that Tuvok was recording his message to T'Pel. So intent was the Vulcan on his task that he didn't even notice Julian come in.
Closing his eyes against a fresh wave of pain, Julian resolved to stay and listen, knowing that hearing Tuvok's message would stiffen his commitment to this course of action.
"...had I known that Voyager would rescue me, I never would have allowed my bond with Julian to intensify to that level. I would have avoided him at all costs, even to the point of leaving Terok Nor." Tuvok was continuing his recording.
Julian started to shake. Hearing Tuvok say that... actually SAY it. It was far worse than he'd ever imagined. He bit down hard on his lower lip, struggling to keep his cries of anguish inside of him.
Tuvok sighed and went on. "There is no easy way for me to conclude this message to you, T'Pel. Believe me when I assure you that I did not say these things to cause you pain, but because they were the truth. I have attempted to explain as best I can.
I have not before, experienced a bond this strong. Perhaps it is because Julian is Human and therefore more prone to projecting his feelings. Perhaps it is because, in his every waking thought and gesture, his NEED for me is evident.
In either case... I will not leave him.
It is my wish that you be made free to bond again. I know you will find a mate who is worthy of you. I hope, in time, you will come to understand why I have made this choice. I hope above all else, that you will forgive me for it.
A part of me will always love you, T'Pel. I will always be honored that you accepted me as your mate. Goodbye, T'Pel. I am sorry."
The Vulcan leaned forward and switched off the recording device. He sat motionless for a long moment. Then he stiffened, suddenly realizing that the human was there. Turning in his chair, he stared at Julian.
"You chose me?" Julian whispered.
"Yes."
Julian shook his head, tears welling in his eyes, flowing down his face. "You chose me?"
Tuvok stood and approached the trembling human. "Yes." He reached out and pulled Julian close to him.
Julian broke. The pent up frustration and pain of the last few day flowing out of him in a torrent of tears. Helplessly, he clung to the Vulcan and cried like he'd never cried before.
Tuvok murmured into his ear, "I chose you, T'hy'la. I will never leave you."
Eventually, Julian quieted. He pulled back slightly and looked searchingly into Tuvok's face. "You mean it, don't you?" he said in wonder. "You actually mean it!"
Tuvok nodded. "Yes. I will never lie to you. I will never harm you, I will never leave you."
The sense of relief that washed over Julian at hearing those words left him feeling weak. He held onto his mate tightly and breathed a deep sigh.
Finally... finally after all the pain and anguish in his life, after all the loneliness and despair, Julian was home. His mate would never lie to him, never hurt him, never leave him, and the most wonderful part of it, was that Julian knew it was true.
Looking into the Vulcan's calm eyes, he sought for something to say that would convey to Tuvok his gratitude, his joy and his overwhelming love. He smiled gently when he realized he'd found it. It had been right in front of him all this time. The perfect thing...
"T'hy'la..."

END

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