The Bedtime Tales of Be287m

Friends and Benefits, Chapter Twenty-eight

I started having second thoughts the moment I hung up the phone.� Maybe I should have called Tina and discussed possible travel plans before booking my flight.� Maybe I should have flown directly to Phoenix to see her dad, instead of flying to Tucson and driving up.� Except I really wanted to see her before him.

But was I really prepared for that?� I started to get chills just thinking about all the ways I could screw up that conversation.� Either conversation.� Heck, I could screw things up just simply by surprising Tina when I knocked on her door.

My mind started to whir through a dozen different ways I could avoid calamities, and a dozen different contingencies for those.� Not to mention alternate Plans C, D, and E.� Or the contingencies for those.

I chuckled and shook my head when I realized what I was doing.� It was probably time for another walk.� I grabbed my coat and headed for the door

Once again, I didn�t win anything with my lottery scratch-off ticket.� The brisk trip down to the 7-Eleven and back cleared my head, though.��I was overthinking this, which was a huge clue that I was on the verge of making a mistake.� I was probably better off with no plans than with too detailed of a plan.

Except �probably� was too thin a line to hang my hopes on.� I needed a second opinion.� Fortunately, I knew someone to ask.

Sherri answered the phone this time, instead of Lisa.� We said our hellos and then I took a deep breath.

�I got a letter from Tina,� I said.

�Oh, really?� What�d she say.�

�Let me read it to you.�� I shifted the phone so I could hold the letter in my other hand.� Despite the fact that I knew it almost word for word, I didn�t want to get anything wrong when I read it.

�Wow,� Sherri said when I was done.� �That�s surprising.�

�Really?�

�Most women wouldn�t have given you a second chance.�

�Yeah,� I said with a sigh.� Sherri hadn�t given her client a second chance, after all.� �But it looks like she is, and so I�m going to Arizona and I could use some advice.�

�Okay.�

I told her about my airplane reservations and my tentative plan to see Tina and then drive up to Phoenix to see her father.� Then I told her about my worries and some of the things I thought I might say.� I started to go into detail, and then caught myself.

�In the end,� I said, �I�m torn between wanting to make sure I have the right words, and worrying that I�m overthinking things.�

�Hmmm.�� She paused, and I waited, my heart starting to pound more than I�d expected.� �Well, you have to tell her that you�re coming.� And you can�t surprise her father either.� He needs to know you�re coming.�

�Yeah.� I was kind of hoping Tina would help me out.�

�And how well do you think that will go over?�

I sighed.� �Not well.�� I bit my lip.� �I�d better call him directly, huh?�

She snorted.� �That would be a good idea.�

I grimaced.� While she was right, I didn�t like her tone.

�I�ll call him,� I said.� �After I call Tina and tell her I�m coming.� But once we�ve handled the logistics, I don�t know what words to use.�

�So don�t use words.� Show her what you mean.� If phone calls aren�t enough, why would just talking to her be?�

My eyebrows shot up.� �Ah.� Like flowers or something.� When I get there.�

�Go with the �something.��

�I�ll have to think about that.� What that could be, that is.�

�I�m sure you can come up with something creative.�

�Uh, okay.�� I considered asking her if I could bounce ideas off of her later, but then decided no.� I need to come up with it on my own.� As scared as I was, I knew it�d be better if I could say it was entirely my own idea.

�Do you want to call me when you get to Tucson?�

�Maybe.� Do you want me to call?�

�I�d like to hear how it went,� she said.� �But it�s up to you whether you call or just wait until you get back.�

I paused.� �I think that�s going to depend on how it goes,� I said.� �Can I wing it?�

�Sure.� You�re arriving in Tucson next Friday, right?� I may be out that night, but I should be home Saturday during the day.�

�Out?� Are you working again?�

�Sort of,� she said.� �I�m meeting one of my old regulars, but it�s not quite a date.�

�Oh?�

�When I told him I�d quit the agency, he said he had a business idea for me.� We�re meeting for dinner.�

�Business?�

�Yes.�

I had dozens of questions, but they died on my lips.� I really didn�t want to pry, even though I wanted to know.

�Well, good luck,� I said.

�Thanks.�

�And I�ll call if I need advice,� I said.� �And when I get back, of course.�

�Great.�� She paused.� �And good luck.�

�Thanks.�

We said our goodbyes and hung up.� I started getting out pots and pans for dinner while mulling over a way I could show Tina what I meant without words.� Before I started cooking, I realized I was low on milk.� If I was going to have to go to the store, I might as well do it for the week, I realized.� I headed to the cookbook shelf to start to plan the next several meals.

That�s when I saw the cookbook Tina had made for me and it all fell into place.� I could make Tina something.� Something like what she�d done for me, that reflected all of our good memories together.� Something like a scrapbook.� Or a photo album.

A photo album.

I added an album to my grocery list.� I wasn�t sure Safeway would have one, but I could always get one from Staples if they didn�t.� I started thinking of the pictures to include as I finished the list and headed out to the store.

After dinner, I knew I needed to call Tina.� If she didn�t want to see me, I�d need to change my reservations, and the sooner I knew the better. �I took a few deep breaths to steady my nerves and then I dialed the phone.

�Hello?�� It wasn�t Tina�s voice.

�Uh,� I said.� �Hi.� Is this Marcy?�

�Yes it is.� Who�s calling?�

�Hi Marcy, this is Joe.� I, uh, got Tina�s letter.�

�Oh, hi, Joe.� Tina�s not here.�

�Okay.�� I could feel the panic rising.� �Well, like I said, I got her letter and so I�m coming to Arizona.� I�ll be there the 11^th.� I was hoping to see her that night and then drive up to see her father the next day.� I�ll call him to arrange that, though.�

�Oh?� Okay.� I�ll tell her.�

�Thanks.�� I sagged against the wall, feeling the relief washing through my body.� Then I realized one other thing I had to say.

�Uh, listen,� I said, �if she doesn�t want me to come, please tell her to call me back.� I still have a little bit of time in which I could cancel the reservation.�

�Okay.�

�Thanks.�

We hung up and I once again sagged against the wall in relief.� I was sure that if coming out was a horrid idea, Marcy would have said so.� I couldn�t be 100% sure, but I didn�t feel as nervous as I had just a little while ago.� I needed to work off some of the residual nerves, but I didn�t feel like another walk.� As a result, my bathroom ended up getting a scrubbing like it�d never seen, before I finally collapsed in happy exhaustion.

The next day, work went by in a nervous flash.� I kept envisioning Tina�s reactions when Marcy gave her the news of my visit, and of course, my mind kept sliding to the worst case scenarios.� I tried to concentrate on my programming, but after hours of not being able to find a misplaced comma, I finally gave up in frustration.� I did paperwork and file maintenance until it was time to go home.

My foreboding grew as I walked in my apartment.� The message light on my answering machine blinked alarm red and I knew without checking that it was Tina.� With a deep sigh, I pressed play.

�Hi, Joe.� This is Tina.� I got your message.� I�m� I�m glad you decided to come.� Dinner on the 11^th sounds good.�� Pause. �I�ll let my dad know you�ll be calling him about Saturday.� I�� well, I�m glad you decided to come.�

I let out a deep breath, relieved.� It looked like I might be able to dig myself out of this hole yet, even though it was going to be a lot of work.

But was it worth it?� After all, I could just chalk this whole thing up to �lessons learned� and move on.� Dating someone new like Lisa would be a heckuva lot easier than trying to repair things with Tina or Sharon.� A lot easier.� I could cancel my reservations, and just stay here.

Except that would hurt Tina again, and I couldn�t bear that thought.� Not only for her, but for what it would say about me.� I could already see the coldness in Sherri�s eyes if I told her I�d backed out.

That was the coward�s way and I was done being a coward.� Wasn�t I?

I snorted.� I couldn�t believe I was asking myself that question, seeing where I�d ended up by not being bold.� Going to Arizona was bold.� Even if things didn�t work out, going to Tucson was the right thing to do.

And there was one other thing I still had to do.� Feeling a little fortified, I went to my desk and found Tina�s parents� phone number.� I took a deep breath and dialed.

A male voice answered.

�Hello, this is Joe Miller, may I speak to Mr. Delgado?�

�This is he.�

�Uh�.� I took a quick breath before my courage could waver.� �Mr. Delgado, I�d like to start seeing Tina again, and I understand that I need to talk to you in order to fix things.�

�That�s correct.�

�So, uh, I�m coming to Arizona in two weeks.� I was hoping you�d be willing to talk to me on Saturday the 12^th.� Say early afternoon?�

�You�re coming here?�

�Yes.� I�m planning to fly into Tucson and drive up.�

�I see.�

Silence filled the phone and my gut started to churn madly.� I was sure he was thinking about what I had just said and I had no idea what to say next.

�Be here at two o�clock.�

I let out a deep breath.� �Thank you, sir.�

�Don�t thank me yet.�

�Thank you for agreeing to talk to me.�

�I�ll see you on the twelfth.�

�Yes, sir.�

�Goodbye.�� With that, he hung up.

I slowly lowered the phone to its cradle and listened to my heart pounding.� I felt exhilarated and nervous at the same time.� Making the call had been such a small hurdle, but it felt like I�d just won the lottery.

That made me grin.� Maybe I should try my luck and walk to the 7-Eleven.� The exercise would do me good.� I grabbed my coat and headed to the door.

My luck partially held.� I won ten dollars, which went into buying myself some ice cream and a can of root beer for root beer floats.� It wasn�t as good as a good glass of wine, but it�d be a good private celebration nonetheless.

The next two weeks went by quickly.� I devoted my evenings to getting the photo album ready for Tina.� I quickly realized that my text was longer than the photos, making it more of a scrapbook.� Nonetheless, I continued on.

I also continued to feel my nerves rise before checking the mail.� It had been long enough to hear from Sharon, but each day passed without any letters or calls.� I had pangs of regret and loneliness on the nights we�d usually talk, but they slowly got better.� I realized I could call Sherri, but somehow that didn�t seem right.� Instead, I just kept myself busy, either working or cleaning or reading, until it was time to travel to Arizona.

When I realized how early I�d have to get up, I regretted taking such an early morning flight.� I tried to sleep on the plane, but it was difficult; I was just too nervous to really be able to relax in such cramped seats.� Fortunately no one claimed the middle seat, so I was at least able to sprawl a little without elbowing the person next to me.

Leaving the terminal, it was a little disorienting to be headed to the rental car counters instead of the main parking lot.� The guy at the counter tried to upsell me to a convertible, and, in a moment of blearyheadedness, I agreed.� I had some vague notions of driving up to Phoenix with Tina�s hair blowing in the wind, but by the time I�d gotten to the car, I realized that was stupid.� I�d almost certainly be doing the drive by myself.

I stopped by my hotel, but the clerk told me it was too early to check in.� I shrugged.� I had plenty to do before dinner as it was.� I grabbed my camera and headed to campus, before driving by the Bluebird Caf�, the movie theater, the Hilton, �and my old apartment.� I briefly considered seeing if the current tenants would let me in, but decided they�d just think I was strange.� I settled for taking a couple of pictures of the steps and one of the door.� Then I decided to swing by the Safeway before hitting the one-hour photo lab.� I made it back to my room in time to get everything assembled, wrap a ribbon around the album,� and take a quick shower before leaving for dinner.

Surprisingly, on the drive to Tina�s dorm, my nerves were steadier than I�d anticipated.� I must have shifted to autopilot, I mused.� At the dorm, I headed for the phones to call her, but some girls ahead of me held the hallway door open for me, despite its being against the rules.� I smiled, thanked them, and walked down to Tina�s room.� Without pausing, I knocked.

Tina opened the door and her eyes grew wide as she saw me.

�Hi,� I said with a nervous smile.� �I followed some of your dorm mates down from the lobby.� Can I come in?�

Tina nodded.� �Sure.�� She stepped back and then walked over to her bed.

I hesitated, not wanting to sit next to her on the bed.� I ended up moving to the chair at her desk.� I looked at her.� �Thank you for seeing me.�

She shrugged.� �I�m surprised you came.�

�Well, it�s not every time a guy gets a second chance.�

She tensed.

��Besides,� I quickly continued, �it was the right thing to do.� Even if we don�t have a second chance, you deserved a face-to-face apology.�

Her eyes narrowed.� �You�ve already apologized.� A lot.�

I nodded.� �But words aren�t enough, so I�m here.� I also brought you this.�� I held out the wrapped photo album.

�What�s this?�

�A record of some of my best memories.�

She looked at me warily.

�Don�t worry,� I said.� �It�s not those type of pictures.�

She accepted the album, slipped the ribbon off, and opened it.� Her eyes widened and then a small smile appeared.� She slowly thumbed through the pages before turning back to the first one and beginning to read.� I pulled out the chair from Marcy�s desk and sank into it, watching from only a few feet away.

I�d finally finished the album with one to two pictures per page and three long accompanying paragraphs, describing my memories of Tina at that particular location.� I kept the descriptions g-rated, since I knew other people might one day see it, but some of my choices certainly hinted at more.� In addition to the poster shop where we�d met, the movie theater where we�d had our first date, and the Bluebird Caf� where we�d often dined, I had pages that described the dorm lobby where I�d picked her up her freshman year, the lobby of her current dorm, the Student Union cafeteria, and the Chi O steps.� The description of the Hilton discussed our Valentine�s Dinner there with only the slightest hint about our time in the room.� Similarly, the pictures of the Grand Canyon described our hike and how beautiful she was in the sunset, without mentioning she was nude at the time.

Three pages weren�t of places, but were simply collages of things.� One was a pile of videos with the covers I knew she�d recognize prominently displayed.� The next was a pile of textbooks, with the paragraphs waxing poetic about studying together.� The final page had photos of food from the supermarket tucked around pictures of pots and pans, with a picture of the cookbook she�d given me prominently displayed.

Not all the photos had come out great, but I was happy with them.� I was a little more nervous about the text, as I hoped I hadn�t gone too over the top, nor sounded too bland.� I watched Tina carefully as she read.� As she slowly relaxed and her smile grew, so did mine.

When she�d turned the final page, she looked up.� �Wow,� she said.� �This was a lot of work.�

�You�re worth it,� I said.� �And even if we don�t get back together, you need to know how much I really appreciate you and all we�ve had together.�

She nodded.

�Besides,� I said.� �I have a lot of great memories of us and I wanted to share them.�

She looked back down at the book.� �I noticed you didn�t share all of them.�

I grinned.� �Well, I thought your father might see that some day and I�d like to survive the encounter.�

She smiled, nodding slightly, and then grew still.� She looked up at me, her eyes serious.

�He�s not going to be happy with you.� I told him everything.�

�Everything?�

She shook her head.� �Not all the details.� But about you and Sharon, and what you said.� And about how we�d been sleeping together.�

�He probably already knew that,� I said, remembering the trip to the Grand Canyon.

�He did,� she said, �but when he heard about Sharon, he asked me directly.� So I answered.� Besides�.�

She looked up her eyes meeting mine, searching for something.� I willed myself to not look away.

�I thought I might be pregnant.�

My gut turned into a knot, but I didn�t break eye contact.� �Pregnant?!� I gasped.

She nodded.� �My period was late, and since we hadn�t used condoms when I was in D.C.�.�

�You were on the pill,� I blurted.

�The pill can fail.� All I knew is that I was late.� I was upset.� Dad came down to take care of me and, well, I told him everything.�

I let out a long whoosh of air.

�But you�re not�� I said.

She shook her head.� �I was just late.�

Despite the relief at her words, my gut refused to untangle.� The image of her strict Catholic dad looking for the guy who knocked up his daughter, with a shotgun of course, lodged itself in one corner of my brain and started going in loops.� I started sweating without even lifting a finger.

�So,� I said, �he knows everything.� I guess I�ll just have to deal with that when I go see him.�

�So you�re really going to go?�

I firmly nodded.� �It�s the right thing to do.�� I looked up, and this time it was me questing for her eyes.� �Even if we don�t get back together.�

�I don�t know if we will or not,� she said.

I frowned, but nodded.� �One step at a time.�

Tina nodded and our conversation fell into a quiet lull.� She started paging through the album again, while I sat and watched, trying to think of something to say.� Somehow, silence seemed best, so I said nothing.

All too soon, the door opened and Marcy stepped in.

�Everything okay?� she asked Tina, as soon as she saw me.� She then gave me a wary glance.

Tina looked up at her roommate and nodded.� �Joe brought me this,� she said, holding up the album.� �I�ve been looking through it.�

�What is it?� Marcy asked.

�A memory book,� she said.� �Joe�s described all of our good times together.�

Marcy shot me a surprised grin.� I smiled back and started to relax a little.

�Let me see,� she said, moving to Tina�s side.

The two women slowly paged through the album, with Tina providing a few words of commentary on the pictures.� They moved too quickly to read the text, but Marcy nodded her head several times as Tina talked.� She looked up at me and smiled when Tina got to the cooking page and read my comment about how grateful I was to be surviving on more than a dozen recipes, like I had before I�d met her.

�Nice,� Marcy said when Tina had closed the album.� �So now what?�

�Dinner,� I said, �if Tina�s still willing.�

�Where?� Tina asked.

�Well, I�d cook for you, but we seem to be short on kitchen supplies,� I said, making a show of looking around their dorm room.� �So I was thinking the Bluebird Caf�, unless you wanted to go somewhere more fancy.�

Tina shook her head.� �The Bluebird�s fine.�

�Have fun,� Marcy said as Tina and I stood up and readied ourselves to leave.

�Will do,� I said.

Tina smiled at me, but didn�t say anything.

As we walked to the car, the silence started to feel uncomfortable, so I asked Tina about her classes this semester.� That segue wayed into talking about my job and her job and other �safe� casual topics.� I was much more relaxed by the time we had settled into our seats at the restaurant and I sensed that Tina was too.

We continued the small talk until after we ordered.� Once the waitress had taken our menus, Tina put her elbows on the table and looked at me.

�So,� she said, �what�s happening with you and Sharon?�

�Nothing,� I said.� �She won�t return my calls and hasn�t replied to my letter.�

�But you still want her.�

�Not as much as I want you.�

Tina frowned, and I reconsidered my words.

�I�d like to be friends with her,� I said.� �But I don�t love her the way I love you.�

Tina cocked her head and looked at me, still frowning.

�Yeah,� I said, �I should have said that earlier.� I do love you, and I no longer have my head in my ass about saying so.�

Tina snorted softly.� �I�m not sure what I feel anymore,� she said.� �I used to daydream about moving to Maryland to be with you, but recently� recently I�ve been wondering if some other guy might be better for me.�

I swallowed hard.� I�d feared something like this, and my gut churned while my mind started to spin through the list of planned replies.

But I noticed the spinning and stopped.� I slowly forced myself to let out a deep breath.� Screw the plans.� I couldn�t afford to answer from fear.

Tina searched my face as I sat, not responding.� I could sense her slowly growing more tense.

If I wasn�t going to act from fear, it had to be from love.� I thought of Sherri�s definitions then, and I realized what I had to say.� It had to come from agape.

�I want you to be happy,� I said.� �You deserve to be, and if it�s not with me, so be it.�

This time it was Tina�s turn to let out a deep breath.

�Don�t get me wrong,� I said, putting every ounce of my heart into my words.� �I do want to be with you.� Romantically.� But I want you to be happy more.�

�Oh, Joe.�

�It�s true,� I said.� �More than anything.�

Tina smiled, and for the first time in the evening, her eyes sparkled.� But then she frowned.

�I thought you wanted to sleep with Sharon more than anything,� she said.

I sighed.� �I really regret saying that.� It�s not true, and it wasn�t even true then.�

�So what do you want with Sharon?�

�I don�t know,� I admitted.

The sparkle was gone from Tina�s eyes.� Our food arrived and she gave me a polite smile before starting to eat.� We sat in silence for a moment, with me struggling with what I could say that would bring back the glow to her face.� The answer was unfortunately obvious.� Say nothing but the truth.

�Look,� I said finally, �I won�t� I can�t lie to you.� I miss my friendship with Sharon.� And yes, part of me still wants to sleep with her.� But not at the cost of losing you.�

�It�s the lies that hurt,� she said.� �I�ve thought about it a lot, since that trip.� I didn�t mind taking the pictures and, well, I might have been willing to do more, like we started to do.� If you�d been up front with me, instead of leading me on.�

�I�m sorry.�

She made a dismissive gesture.� �You�ve said that already.�

�I don�t know what else I can say.�

She frowned at me.� �The thing is, now I�m not sure I can trust you.� Not in general and definitely not around Sharon.�

�How can I earn your trust back?�

�I don�t know.�

I snorted softly, and once again we descended into silence.� We each picked at our food and I, for one, had completely lost my appetite.� What could I do?� It would be too easy to blow this!

Once again, I caught my gut starting to churn.� Don�t act out of fear.� I took a deep breath.

�I don�t know what I can do either,� I said.� �I can make a bunch of promises, but I know that�s not enough.� Words by themselves are not enough.� So I�m going to fulfill the promise I did make, and go see your dad.� Then I�ll do whatever he tells me.�

Her eyebrows went up.� �Whatever he tells you?�

�Within reason,� I said.� �I�m not going to slit my wrists or jump off a bridge if he tells me to.�

Tina smirked.

�But I�ll listen to him,� I said.� �And I�ll do my best to do what he asks.� I have to win back his trust too, after all.�

She nodded.� �You do.� He was really angry with you.�

�As he should be,� I said.� �I hurt his daughter, whom he loves very much.�

To my surprise, Tina smiled, small but warm.

�He does,� she said.� �Even if he doesn�t always know how to show it.�

I couldn�t help grinning.� Something we had in common, it appeared.

�Well,� I said, �I�m going to show it.� From now on.� That�s why I started with the album�I wanted to show you how I felt.�

She smiled.� �I like the album.�

�Which page did you like best?� I asked.

�The food collage.� With the picture of the cookbook I made you.�

�That�s what inspired me,� I said.� �I realized how much love you�d put into that and�.�� I was about to say that I wanted to equal it, but I saw the eagerness in Tina�s eyes.� This couldn�t be about me.� ��and I realized you were absolutely incredible and deserved everything I could manage.�

Tina blushed.� �Now you�re pushing it,� she said, looking away.

�So I should cut the flattery?�

She nodded.

�Sorry,� I said.� �I�m not sure what else to say.�

�I�m not sure what else there is to say,� she said, putting her fork down and dabbing her mouth with her napkin.� �At least not until you talk to my father.� Then� we�ll see.�

I paused.� We didn�t have to resolve everything in one sitting.� �So we�ll talk tomorrow night?�

She nodded again.

�Well,� I said, �how about a different subject then?� Seen any good movies since Christmas?�

�Oh, yes.�� Tina listed five movies she�d seen in the theater since her visit, and, after some polite noises on my part, started to tell me about them.� I only half-listened to her words, as I was too busy watching her face.� The glow returned as she talked and it quickly felt like old times.� At least for that moment, she was happy, clearly happy.� And watching her made me happy.

The movie conversation spun into older movies and then into posters and into art.� Sometimes we touched old topics, but a few times I was surprised to hear opinions and experiences I hadn�t previously, despite nearly two years of dating.� I silently chuckled to myself, wondering what else I might have missed in our time together.

Dinner stretched into dessert and coffee, but the check arrived during a lull in the conversation.� I paid it, and then looked at Tina.

�Back to your dorm?� I asked.

She nodded.� �That would be best.�

�I thought so.� Dinner tomorrow?� Pick you up at the same time?�

�Sure,� she said, smiling.

�Then let�s get you home.�

We left and, this time, the silence in the car wasn�t so jarring.� Tina seemed lost in her thoughts, but her body was relaxed as she looked out the window.� That relaxed me, even though I knew we hadn�t really resolve anything.

At her dorm, I walked her to the lobby.� She turned and looked at me, hesitant.

�Hug goodbye?� I said, not daring to suggest a kiss.

She looked relieved.� �Yes,� she said.

She flowed into my arms and I held her tight.� Our clench lasted and lasted and lasted.� Finally, slowly, we pulled apart.

�I�ll see you tomorrow,� I said.

She smiled.� �Good night.�

�Good night.�

Tina took a few steps back, before turning and heading toward her room.� I watched until she�d disappeared from sight, and then went out to the car.� It had been a good night, and I fervently prayed that tomorrow would be even half as good.

--Fin--

© 2006, all rights reserved.

Read the next chapter in this story: Chapter Twenty-nine

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