Hey, you went to bed so late last night, so I don't expect you to reply to this message
right away, but I am going to say this now.
This is probably the worst voicemail you'd ever get in the morning.
I've already warned you about this when I sent that message, but I know that no matter
how much I say not to listen to it first thing in the morning, you're just going to go ahead
and listen to it anyways, and no, I'm not going to let you deny that either.
You told me yourself that you'd always check if I had left any messages for you when you
wake up.
You said I'd always place a smile on your face whenever I do that, but I don't think
you'd expect this message this time.
You're used to all my sappy and cheesy good morning texts, but this time it's something
different, something more serious, something that we should be talking about sooner rather
than later.
So hear me out.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I know what you're thinking, but I think
that it's a good thing because I finally come to realize certain things, but I'm scared.
I'm scared that the feelings are getting too real.
I'm scared that we are getting too real.
I'm not saying that it's a bad thing.
Real is good.
Real means that there's potential for something great, but it also means vulnerability.
Real means getting hurt eventually in some way or another.
That is what I'm scared of.
We haven't been talking for long, well, maybe a couple of months at least.
It's actually so weird how comfortable I immediately felt with you.
You're so easy to talk to.
I didn't feel so pressured continuing the conversation with you because it just flowed
so naturally.
And even when we're bombarded with silence or if the conversation just stopped suddenly,
it's not awkward at all.
Silence with you is nice.
I love how we can just be spending time together and there's no pressure to speak.
I guess that's also the reason why I confess so quickly to you too.
And yes, I do admit I went a little bit too fast.
A little bit is an understatement to be honest.
I don't know if you'll even believe me, but I surprised myself too.
I didn't expect myself to suddenly just confess, but being with you on call that day, I guess
I just didn't want to hide it any longer.
The timing of it all shocked you too, didn't it?
I mean, I didn't mean to scare you off by going so fast, but when you told me that you
also may be feeling the same way, I couldn't help but feel happy.
I mean, you didn't really give me a straight answer, but when you said that, it gave me
hope even if it's just a little.
We agreed we wouldn't do anything about it.
We agreed that we wouldn't rush it, that we'll let things slowly evolve.
And I know I said I'd give you time.
I still do mean that.
You know I'm a person of my word.
We don't really even need to talk about it until you're ready or until you're comfortable
enough to talk about it again.
This should be the least of your worries.
I don't want to stress you out or get you all worried about such a stupid thing, but
I can't help but think that we're missing out on something great, you know?
We could be amazing together.
I know we get all flirty all the time and it sounds so fucking cheesy, but it really
did feel like we clicked the first time we talked.
And it sounds really childish saying that, but you're just genuinely fun to talk to.
And whenever I don't get to talk to you, it just feels empty.
It's as if I've been missing something that should have been there all along.
You have this great ability to care about people and you're so selfless that even when
you're feeling shitty and you're having a bad day, you'd rather comfort someone else.
You'd rather talk to them about it and make them feel better rather than address your
own feelings.
I mean, for fuck's sake, that's what you did with me.
I'm certain on the day I opened up to you about not feeling well, you were having a
really shitty day too.
And yet there you were, ready to comfort and reassure me.
You cracked these stupid jokes and you made me laugh because your internet connection
kept cutting off.
You kept saying that you didn't do much, but you did more than enough.
You made me forget why I was even having a bad day in the first place.
Being in your presence, spending time with you, even if it's just a five minute call
or a three hour long conversation, I loved every single moment of it.
You flashed that handsome smile and you chuckle ever so lightly and I'm just gone.
You have such an effect on me and I don't even think you know that.
No, you probably do.
You're cheeky that way.
I know I always tend to message first and I can't help but think that I'm bothering
you.
You always tell me that I'm not and if ever I was, you'd say so right away.
I've just never met anyone like you and it sucks because I get so possessive when I don't
even have the right to do that.
Is it too selfish of me to say that I don't like you being close to someone else?
Is it so unreasonable for me to say that whenever I see you getting close to someone, I suddenly
feel sad?
I guess I just don't want to share you with anyone else.
I know it sounds so unfair because we're not even together.
I hate feeling like this.
I shouldn't be feeling like this, but I get jealous with those people, especially the
ones that get to be with you right now.
For fuck's sake, I get jealous whenever you even talk to someone.
I know I shouldn't be and it's so stupid to even be jealous over someone who I know
won't even make a move on you.
It's stupid to even be jealous, but can you blame me?
All I wanted from the beginning was you.
All I want is you.
You're the reason I'm so excited to get up in the morning.
You're the last thought that comes to mind when I fall asleep, but what if you're just
playing with me?
What if everything we've done, every single conversation, what if all of that was just
an act?
What if you're talking to someone else and I'm just another side piece that you talk
to when you're bored?
I know you've reassured me enough that there's no one else, but I just can't help it, you
know?
I can't help but think that you're going to meet someone else who's way more compatible,
perhaps even someone closer to you.
They won't have to deal with this stupid distance and the difficulty of having different time
zones.
What if they're better than me?
What do I do then?
I can't stop you.
I don't want to stop you.
You're not mine to claim and not mine to protect.
Not mine to even call mine.
Fuck.
I don't even know if that made any sense.
It's so stupid, but who the fuck am I to call you mine when there's no us to begin with?
I value your happiness way more than mine.
If you're happy being with them, who am I to tell you not to be with them?
You deserve every good thing that this world has to offer.
I can't, and I won't, take that away from you, but I can't help but think I can be
that for you.
I can be the best.
I can be the best thing that's ever happened to you.
I'm sorry if that sounded so conceited or if it looks like I'm so full of myself.
I want to give you all the time you need to let you think, but I don't want to lose you
either.
Those memes that we send each other late at night, those gifs of people cuddling, those
posts we send each other about relationships, and even if we joke and cringe about it.
I want that.
I want that with you.
I'm willing to make it work.
I'm not saying it's not going to hurt because it'll hurt.
I'm not going to promise that every day will be a happy one.
Because I know some days it won't.
Sometimes we'll both go to sleep feeling really lonely and the other might not even
know it.
We'll spend sleepless nights wondering why we even bothered to do this.
It's not going to be easy.
But if we're willing to make it work, then it should turn out alright, right?
This distance between us is an absolute pain in the ass, but I'm done playing games.
I want a future with you.
I want to wake up one day and not hold my feelings back.
I want to be able to tell everybody how I feel about you.
I don't want to hide anything.
And although what we have right now is amazing as it is, and I love talking to you every
single moment of every single day, I want more.
I want to go on dates.
I know that sounds so stupid because we can't even meet each other right now given the circumstances.
But I can't wait until the day I get to meet you properly.
I can't wait to make all of those stupid, sappy gifts come to life.
I want to see that handsome smile in real life and I want to hear those subtle chuckles
for myself.
I want to see you get flustered and I want to know what makes you tick.
I want to wrap my arms around your neck, even though I have to get on my tippy toes.
I want to be there when you're feeling down and comfort you when you feel sad, just as
you do with me.
I want to feel your skin against mine.
I want to kiss your lips again and again and again.
But until then, I guess I would have to settle with seeing you through a screen and hear
you through a phone.
Our greatest enemies right now would have to be the internet connection and that stupid
app we met each other in.
So let's not beat around the bush any longer, shall we?
We've been going in circles all this time when we both know we're going to end up in
the same place anyway.
I'd hate to think of you as someone that could have been but never pursued because I was
too scared to make a move about it.
I don't want to think of you and regret the things that I should have done.
I don't want to leave it all as an almost a maybe.
I want an us.
So I guess all I wanted to say all along is that I'm already yours, but this time will
you be mine?