Summary: In front of you lies a small booklet, not bigger than a notebook. It is wrapped in cheap, synthetic brown leather and locked with a pimple button mechanism. By looking at its spine you can see that whoever used it, did it often. You can see the wrinkles and small tears grazing the entire book's cover. It was carelessly left behind by a person with whom you had a conversation just a moment ago. You open it. And quickly realize that in front of you lies a neatly organized journal. The property of a man named Anon Y. Mous… The journal emanates a sinister atmosphere, the one that makes you want to lie under the table and disappear, but… you have to read it, you have to learn it. For what you witnessed before has put you into a worrisome mood. However, even if you read it, you only learn the thoughts of the man named Anon that he was ready to put on paper. His story, the real one, is his and his alone. And will remain that way… but it won't hurt to learn a part of it. 201m2023. Volcadera Bluffs. Skin Row… my apartment. It has been a month since I returned from my deployment in the sea. Three years in the Navy… it left me exhausted. When I returned, the first thought I had was something along the lines of "Now I can waste my pension on sitting on my ass, shitpost on the net and play me vidia". But the reality was far, far more… bitter. What Was I thinking, returning here? I could have gone anywhere and yet I am back here! In this shitty apartment, in this town filled with nothing but painful memories. The same place where I was in the second semester of my senior year of high school. The same town I… I met the only person who gave a shit about me and the one that I betrayed like an asshole. Well, guess what, I wasn't thinking, because I never think. I still am a dumb idiot as I was three years ago. Only now I had the means of living the life I always wanted… and yet. Why do I have this feeling of emptiness? It was not like this before I went to Volcano High. I always used to be alone, but that loneliness was comforting. Never needed to care about anyone but myself. And then I met her… I am trying to forget her name, but how could I? Even now, like an idiot, I wake up half-expectingly looking to my side to see her beautiful amber eyes. Feeling her soft and warm wings around my body. I would brush her hair, say something dumb and she would call me a dweeb… but that never comes to reality, just a dream of a stupid idiot who cannot accept the consequences of his actions. Truth is, I hated loneliness. Maybe I always did, I just never really knew how it felt to have someone who genuinely loves you. And now that experience is gnawing at the back of my head, punishing me for being a selfish idiot. I realized I needed a way to organize my thoughts. One time, while surfing the net, I came upon a post on one of the image boards where a person talked about keeping a journal and how it helped them to get a GF or something. Probably a bait post… but I figured that putting my thoughts on paper would at least ease that uneasiness I experience daily. Yesterday I bought a blank journal from an office shop. I sat behind my computer desk with the journal open in front of me. After thinking for a while about what to write, a singular event comes to mind. The one that changed my daily boring life forever… The day I saw her. "First entry, I won't bother keeping the date. My name is Anon Y. Mous. I am the most average human guy I could think of. I am a high school dropout, a post-military cripple… Well, not really, but man, my back still hurts. Anyway, today I am starting this journal with a certain goal in mind. To organize my thoughts to move on with my life. And I guess I will talk about what caused my life to become such a mess. I guess it all started with munches. One day, about a couple of weeks ago, I was too lazy to cook anything after a binge. But I was hungry, and I had money to spend. So I decided to go for some takeaway. Usually, I would not waste my pension this way, but hey, pizza is pizza, and I haven't eaten it in a while. So I ventured to the streets of Skin Row. Man, what a shithole, I am certain I've seen more homeless people on my street here in a day than anywhere else in my entire life. Avoiding more dangerous routes I found this place called "Pizza Time". The prices were cheap, and the cooking time was low, so I picked it as my final destination. I ordered something, can't quite remember… and while waiting, I saw it. The show. The mini-concert… and on that stage SHE THEM was standing. Fang. Never thought I'd get a chance to say that name, even if it is on paper. Fang… my ex. They were standing there, on stage in their own venue, like they always wanted. But looking at her I…" Fuck… I can't. I can't write about it. Why am I crying? Come on, get yourself together. FUCK! I took out some shitty cigarettes that I scored recently by buying them cheap from some shady store. Thankfully they are not laced with PCP or something. I lit one and put it inside my mouth. Its smoke is filling my lungs. My nerves, although still trembling, are a lot more calm than before. After relaxing for a bit, I rub my eyes and return to my journal. "They were different. Like a ghost. I don't get it, why are they here, on Skin Row? They are smart, strong, talented, they should have become a bloody national sensation by this point! This is fucking unfair! Why is she playing at some shitty pizza place, and not some stadium, or club, or hell, even some abandoned warehouse that was occupied by metalheads? Why here? I guess this is also my fault. Don't know how, but I did it to them. I was supposed to be by her side, two of us against the world… And I blew it. I got drunk, I was frustrated, I was punched in the face… I said some fucked up shit to them. I have seen her world crumble with each word I said. She realized, finally, that I am an asshole, I am as bad as everyone… hehe, "Trish was right about you". These were the last words she told me, before disappearing from my life forever. And these words were true. Trish was right about me. I am an asshole, who entered Fang's life and ruined everything within it. Her friendships, her relationships. I wanted her all for myself. But I never have put any fucking effort. I was a selfish fool… and with all due respect, I still am. Because people do not change." This is as much as I am ready to write right now… I guess I do feel a bit better. Now that I think about it, it is kinda fucked that I feel good from berating myself, but maybe I need that. To be put down for all my mistakes. And since there is no one in my life left to care for me, I have to do it myself. Now… I think she plays there today as well. *** It has been a few days since I made my first entry in the journal, after that I was at a loss for what to write. So I decided to draw some doodles in it. Picked that as a hobby back in the Navy, since there was nothing else to do. The first thing I drew was a simplified portrait of Naser, Fang's brother. I remember him well. I met him on the very first day of my attendance at Volcano High. He was always trying to be helpful to a fault. Bastard shared his sandwich with me after he realized that I didn't have money for a proper lunch. He never antagonized me and never was trying to hurt me… Well, except that one time Fang was staying at my place, but honestly? I get it. Man, he is probably right now studying at some fancy college for some intellectual degree. He deserves it, he has put so much effort into everything, and he needs some kind of reward. The doodle on the next page right next to Naser was another portrait, this time of Naomi. Raptor Jesus, even after so many years this bitch still brings me to a boiling point. The she-asshole thought herself to be perfect and constantly shoved her snout into other people's business. She was also responsible for me and Fang getting together. I did not know what to think about that information, and even now I am confused… She may have some really awful reason for it, trying to fix Fang, but ultimately it gave me the best time of my life. But then I remember how much Fang was hurt in the process and hate returns, doubled this time. I don't know if Naser and her are still together, but I honestly hope that it is not the case and Naser got a better girlfriend by this point. Hmm, I guess I can write that thought down underneath the doodles. Still counts as an entry, right? *** "I went to that pizza place again. I watched Fang's performance… again. I took it as a part of my daily routine. Even if I didn't have any money, I just ordered a cup of water and watched the show. The owner doesn't even care, I guess he knows that I will return with more money later. As usual, Fang was amazing. Even if they changed so much, their talent was still the same. The music she plays never fails to stir the emotions within me, and it pains me to see everyone in there ignoring their performance… I also took notice of other band members. They remind me of Trish and Reed. Man, I never thought I'd miss those two. I mean, yeah, Tirsh was a definition of a powder keg with a short fuse, and Reed was barely there in spirit, but they still were kinda nice to be around. Well… Trish was an asshole and she did THAT thing to me… But I guess I was also in the wrong. I never really tried to understand her. Now, all these years later, I finally realized why she was this way. Me, some shit-worth nobody suddenly entered their life and took the only person that they can call a friend away from them. I want to say that it was never my intention, but I don't want to lie. I wanted to get back at Trish for that day, and I pushed Fang away from her, convincing myself that it was for their own good. If only I talked to Trish back then… Well, too late to dwell on it now… I would love to hang out with her again though. I never really gave her a chance, so maybe it would have been fun to be around her. And Reed… honestly I never was able to get a read on that guy. Hehe, the unREEDable Reed. Don't worry, I will figuratively see myself out after this one. But there was one thing for certain: he never tried to fuck me over. And even then I managed to somehow fuck up everything with him. One time, we managed to organize a concert for Fang's band, VVURM DRAMA, and Reed was responsible for electrics. The guy was doing it for years, and then here comes Anon, thinking he knows better and ruins everything for everyone again. Man, and that concert was going so well. Why did I not trust Reed? Well, the answer is simple, because I am an asshole. Simple as, I am an asshole…" I guess I'll leave this one here. I am out of eggs and milk, and the stores will close down in 40 minutes. Need to run. *** "... You know, I thought of something funny today. Despite trying to be alone when I was a student at Volcano High, I had more opportunities than ever to make friends. A strange, foreign concept to me. Friends. I guess I talked about Trish and Reed, Naser and Naomi… but there are two that appear in my memories quite often. Where to even start? First, there was that stego girl, I used to think that she was the weird one. Stella was her name. Overly friendly, awkward person. The first time we met it happened by accident. I bumped into her while running somewhere, I can't quite recall… Music class? My memories are kinda rusty as of late… Anyway, I bumped into Stella, and she had that hobby, Tarot Cards. She gave me a prediction that some tough choices would be in my way and I would have to act wisely to resolve them correctly. Heh, if only I didn't dismiss it as nonsense back then. Actually, now that I think about it, why did I think that she was weird? In retrospect, I came to the conclusion that I was jealous of her ability to follow her passions, while still being able to connect with others. I always thought that people would despise me for liking certain things that many find stupid… But Stella was proof that I was wrong, and I hated it. I wonder what she is up to. Probably still watches anime and makes predictions. Honestly? Sounds like fun. Then there was a kind, yet very stern girl named Rosa. She was a leader of a gardening club. I first met her during my detention. I was annoyed by her at first. She was demanding, pious and strong to boot, so you couldn't argue with her even if you mastered up the courage. But… she was exciting to be around. Gruelling, back-breaking labor was kind of fun when she was nearby. Not that I want to repeat that crap. But maybe, if I had a chance to redo everything in my life, maybe I would have joined her club. I don't know, maybe we could have been good friends? It feels like she would have accepted me even with my hobbies and flaws. She accepted Stella into her life after all… Maybe…" Damn, I don't know what else to write about? Maybe I should draw Stella and Rosa from memory like I did for every other entry. Alright, let me remember how Stella looked… *** "... Today Fang looked even worse than usual. What she… fuck, never got used to it… THEY thinking about? Why do they look so thin? Why?.. Well, the answer is simple. I am at fault here as well. How did that even happen? We hit it off so well! Well, not as well as I remember. I remember the first time we ever interacted, a few days after the disaster of the concert. Fang was lost, searching for her friends in the halls of the school. Back then I had a very bad impression of her. And then there was a science class. Oh boy was it something? I accidentally called Fang "she" and then they went fucking ballistic on me. Yeah, good first impression there, Anon. When did we first connect? I guess it was during Music Class. I saw Fang playing a guitar and the melody… was pleasing. Before that, I thought they were some talentless loser who was pretending to be a musician. But after that day I realized how wrong I was. They were amazing. They always were. It was me who thought they were nothing because I always assumed the worst about the others. I guess that music class and our argument about what instrument they should play was the first string that attached me to them. It was fun arguing with them… Scratch that, it was fun talking to her PERIOD. Even when they were throwing insults at me I never felt any malice coming from them. I only felt something… more hopeful, inspirational. Like I should become better myself. I never did. I constantly tried to ignore my feelings for Fang until I could no longer do that and in the heat of the moment after having the worst day of my life… I confessed to them, by accident of course. Mumbled that confession like a goddamn idiot. But, she never was disgusted or angry with me… she accepted my feelings. I was the happiest person in the world at that moment, I thought now I could change for her, try to be better, try to accept her as she is… only it was too late for me to change. The course was already set for disaster. Why didn't I help them to become better? I knew they were struggling, and yet I chose to do nothing. I guess I was afraid. I was afraid that if they would become better, they would see me for the asshole I am and would abandon me… How could I ever think about them like that? I… I guess I was afraid of disappointing her, and I was afraid of being alone. Alone, I always wanted to be that, but now I…" I have a thought, that I am afraid of putting on paper. Suddenly I had an urge to find that "Present" I received during my military service. I went to the closet and opened it, finding inside a small shoe box. It's heavy. I swore to myself never to open it, but… This might be my only way out at this point. Raptor Jesus, please, forgive me for this thought, but I need it… It makes me feel comfortable. *** "For the last few days, I couldn't sleep. My daily routine consisted of barely eating anything, trying to write something to calm my nerves, and then going to that pizza place to see Fang in the evening. I still can't believe, that even a month after I started to go there they never noticed me. On weekends I was just… lying on my bed and, occasionally, drinking myself into oblivion. I couldn't wait for Monday. I realized that my body, despite years of training and drilling, has become frail. I vomited my breakfast out just by walking for more than I usually do. I could feel my muscles ache after each alcohol binge, and my mind became an even bigger mess. I always come back to that awful thought I had when I remembered about the "present" from one of my officers that I received after I was discharged. Even now I feel tired, exhausted even. Fang became my only reason to go on, but… I do not deserve them. I need to escape this place, to free myself and them from this torturous existence. If they realized that I was truly gone, then maybe… Maybe their regret will finally be gone." … I don't want to do anything anymore today. I am going to bed. *** "... Today I decided this will be my second to last entry in this journal. The funny thing is, it isn't even halfway used. I guess I am a weak-willed person. But, I am content with myself. In fact, today is the first day in quite a while when I feel… glad? I guess it is true what some people say, that people experience a weird case of euphoria when the finale is in front of them. Why did I reach this solution? I guess I realized the fallacy of my beliefs. I used to think that people do not change, but I was wrong. People do change. It's just that I am the one who failed to change, and this ME is dragging everyone down with him. Even years later the ripples of my decisions still reign supreme over my life and the life of others, so the only way to reset all to zero is to eradicate the source of those misfortunes. Me. I don't have many things to hold on to. My parents have been silent ever since I dropped out of the school. My friends, if I can call them such, have probably all forgotten about me, and good for them… Fang… I cannot see them like that anymore, every time I do it feels painful. And yet I cannot gather the courage to run up on stage and tell them that everything will be okay. I cannot "Get it all back", that road has been closed to me ever since that day at the beach. And if the news of my demise reaches them, they probably will be only happy. "Finally that asshole is gone, well, I guess I can move on with my life". Nobody will mourn me, and that's ok. I'd rather be alone even in death. I guess I have to write some last words in my last entry. What can it be? Something profound? I was never the creative type, so I guess everything I came up with now will sound like nonsense designed to cringe the soul out of the reader. I don't even know if anyone will read this journal… but I want to have at least one last footprint on the soil of this reality before I am gone. Tomorrow is the last day." I draw as much of the smoke from my cigarette as possible. It is some fancy brand that I bought today. Don't need to worry about money anymore. Still, some essence of greed prevented me from going all in today, but that's fine. I don't need much to enjoy my life. I am not leaving this journal here. If my landlord comes unannounced (and they did before) and finds it, they will probably call someone to look after me. He is already taking notes on me. He doesn't do it out of kindness, he just doesn't want the value of the property to drop even further after some guy offs themselves after living here. Tomorrow is the day. I take the shoe box out of the closet and open it. I take out a small metallic object and a small box. A memory of my service in the Navy. A fucking gun. I never intended to use it, but hey, I guess it can be useful for me still. I checked the magazine… it is loaded. I did it a couple of days ago. I guess I didn't want to leave any opportunity for chickening out. Well, I guess I am off to bed. No drinks are needed, I feel like today I will be able to sleep soundly. And I hope no dreams will come today. *** Today is the last day of my time on this earth. I decided to spend the last evening of my life here, in "Pizza time". Today is Friday, the last day when the "Silver Line" plays before calling it a week. I cannot wait. It's cold today, even inside the building, almost everyone wears their coats and jackets to stay warm. Any moment now the show will begin. Today they will play for a bit longer than usual, Friday is the day when more customers will come to eat here. I wonder if anyone finds their music as good as I do. Finally, I witnessed the band coming on the stage. A young male parasaurolophus, who was playing the keys today. He constantly was shifting between the instruments over the course of the month. Sometimes he was playing a guitar, sometimes he was playing a sax… today he was playing the keys. He wasn't good at playing any of the instruments, but he was passable enough to not make a mess. He used to have long brown hair, but he cut them recently. Now he has some silly attempt at pompadour that looks upward. Then there was a purple raptor guy, who is known for being the definition of "Fashion Disaster". He constantly picked the worst possible get-up every day. One time he arrived in nothing but shorts and… a see-through tank top. Today he wears a red velvet robe (ain't that shit expensive?), slippers and a beanie hat. Almost made me feel ashamed for wearing one myself. He was playing the drums and he was good. Scratch that, he wasn't good, he was exceptional at playing the drums. Quite impressive for the guy who always looks like he is about to fall over dead from a drug overdose, but then again, I knew Reed. And finally Fang. Today she was wearing a simple leather jacket that was covering most of her upper body. It is cold, but it also makes me worry that she was trying to cover something more than her scales, but I hope I am wrong. She was also wearing loose black jeans, which failed to capture the shape of her beautiful body. Her hair, as usual, was shaved clean. Her makeup was dark, kinda gothic. And her eyes… they were lifeless. No, today I will look at them, for today is the last time, and I need to make the last entry. I opened my journal and started to work. My last entry will be perfect. My pen started to move, leaving behind a thick trail of ink. It will be my masterpiece, my magnum opus, my final message. It will capture the only thing in my life that I found truly enjoyable. *** It took me almost an hour to finish my final piece. It was a well-detailed profile drawing of Fang. Not of the current one, but the one from my wonderful memories. Long, slick silver hair, bright-looking eyes (I wish I had at least yellow paint with me or something), a smile… The same one that made my world and which I hurt so much. Underneath her profile, I wrote "Fang" in highly stylized cursive. I imagine if Fang ever makes it big, this should be her first poster. To capture her beauty, yet also to capture her tenacious spirit. I know that she is somewhere inside the current Fang… so maybe if she sees this picture, maybe… Ah, right, last entry. I need to write something… And I have something good on my mind. "To all those whom I wronged, I wish all the best. To all those whom I pushed away, I am sorry for being rude. Naomi: Please, stop pretending to be perfect if you still do. I know for sure people will love you more if you stop lying to them and to yourself. Naser: I am sorry, bro. For ruining everything for you and Fang. I know you loved her despite how difficult she was. And stop worrying about others so much, live a bit, and enjoy yourself more. Rosa: I wish we were friends. I would have loved to work with you in the garden more. I hope that nothing but good things will come your way. And I am sure that you will overcome all the difficulties if life decides to play unfairly. Good luck Stella: I should have taken your offer back in a day. I am pretty sure that your taste in anime is garbage, but that could have been fun. I am sorry for calling you weird. You are not, you are as brilliant as they come. Look out for those you care about and never fear to follow your passion. Reed: We should have hung out more. Somehow it feels like if we spent more time together, we could have been the best of friends. But I was stupid and never followed through with this. Wherever you are, I hope you are ok. I trust you with this one. Trish: I should have been a better friend to you. I never wanted your friendship with Fang to be ruined. I just wanted to spend my time with them as well. I am sorry for being such a shitty person to you. But now, I'll be out of your way, so you don't have to worry anymore." I took a short break to look at the stage. I believe they were performing the second-to-last or third-to-last song. I looked at Fang, whose empty eyes were directed at the stage as if she were searching for something. I couldn't hear the song. As if the world lost all its atmosphere and the sound waves couldn't reach me. Fang… "And Fang… I will not apologize, since I know that no matter how many times I will tell you that I am sorry, that I fucked up, it wouldn't be enough… but I will write you this. Keep going forward, I know you can! This "You" right now is not the real you! The real you will be an international sensation, a rock star, a fucking badass. You always were! You just need to rediscover this path and chart your own course. I only wish I could be there, observing the light shining from your soul. Fang… I wish we had gone to prom. I wish I could have danced with you. I wish… I wish to see you smile at me one last time. But I do not deserve it. Goodbye." One last thing "My path has led me to this side And now I can feel the death is coming by Why did I do nothing but vilify Goodbye Volcano High" There, it is done, the final note. The song which Fang showed me a long time ago, on the rooftop of Volcano High. Where she opened her heart to me… And where I learned how it feels to care about others. Man, if she saw this, she would call me a dork for writing something so corny… but this is me, a dork and an idiot. With a smile, I close the journal. Ah, and the show will soon end. I think it is their last song. At the corner of my eye, I see a figure standing up from another table. I want to ignore it but… they are approaching me. Oh fuck, they are standing next to me. I turn to them. "Ha! I knew I wasn't the only human around!" In front of me stood a very strange-looking human male… Human? A rarity for sure. But… "Excuse me, I am not in the mood to talk. The man just continued to smile. "Ah, come on, don't be like that! We humans must stick together, especially in parts of the town like this!" His voice is loud and obnoxious. It stinks of venom… and alcohol. Raptor Jesus, why today of all days? "Do you mind if I sit here? It is boring to sit all by myself." I want to say no, but I don't want to create a scene. "Ugh, alright, but don't expect a conversation from me." The guy nodded and sat behind the same table as me. Now that I look at him, he is even stranger than I originally thought. He had a cleanly shaved head, it almost looked like he was bald. He had a beard that looked like a bastard child between a 5 o'clock shadow and bushy Viking-like. He was wearing very worn-out clothes. His silver nylon jacket was covered in strange red stains and stitches, an out-of-place XIII patch can be seen on his left chest. I couldn't see his pants behind the table, but I bet they are in terrible condition judging by the way everything looks on him. In other words, this man looked beyond homeless. He looked like he was born in a cave (how did I manage to make a speciesist remark towards my own people?). While he was reeking of alcohol, he seemed to be fully sober. "Rando Erson." "Huh?" "Rando Erson… That's my name. Pleasure to meet you." He stretched his hand out to me over the table. I reluctantly shake it. "Anon Mous" "Ehhhh, brother of the strange name faction! Nice to meet you Anon Mous! " Why did he pronounce my name with such precision? Man, what a weirdo. And I have to tolerate him for the next five minutes? "I've been here for over a year and I haven't seen you here once! Are you new?" What? "N-no, I was visiting this place… for a month I believe." "A month? Man, you must be very sneaky, I never once saw you here!" Why does he wave his hands while talking to me? It almost looks like he is performing some kind of a bit. "Enjoying the show?" He interrupted my train of thoughts with this singular sentence and I am already at the loss of words. What can I say to not give myself away… "Or… maybe you enjoy something else about this show?" Rando said while nodding in the direction of Fang. "I must state, she is a beauty. A rarity here on Skin Row. I do not blame you for looking at her with such intensity." Did… Didn't he say before that he never noticed me? Now he is saying something like this? What the hell is this? "I must say, ANON MOUS , that you have some fine taste. Both in music and in women. Maybe after the concert, you should ask her for her number! I bet she will be over the moon after that!" Here it is again! He is waving his hands, almost screaming my name at the top of his lungs. What the hell is his problem? If he continues to act this way… Raptor Jesus, throw me a bone. Ask and you shall receive. The final song has come to an end, signifying that Pizza Time will be closing in the next 10 minutes. This is my cue. "It has been nice meeting you, mister Erson, but I have to go. Don't want to overstay my welcome here." As I stand up and start to walk towards the exit, the man grabs me by my hand. He looks me in the eyes with his fully open, almost bullying eyeballs. "Say, Anon, that is an awfully heavy load you carry around in your pocket." … What? "I won't pretend that I understand, but I also have this weight in my pocket. The weight that promises freedom." He knows, he bloody knows! But how!? "I-I need to go!" "I won't stop you. Not my mission. But… I set up the path already. You won't be doing it tonight." What does he mean by that? Did he call the cops? No, I have to move quickly! I shook him off my hand and started to move quickly towards the door. As planned, I left my journal on my usual table. Since I am a regular, the owner will take it, believing I forgot it, and after the news will give it to the police or something. "Today is not your time, mister Anon Mous! Not the time!" I heard him screaming. I turned around and… the image was unnerving. He was staring at me with his hollow, menacing eyes. He was seeing through me like nothing. His eyes had no emotions, just some strange force of authority behind that stare. If I were a superstitious man, I would have thought that in front of me sits a strange supernatural creature that pretends to be human. Nevertheless, I turned away from him. I looked at the stage one last time and… Fang was looking in my direction. Her eyes were opened wide as if she saw a ghost… Did she recognize me? No! Impossible! Stop thinking silly things, Anon. She is probably annoyed that my new "friend" is screaming like crazy. Just turn around, Anon. Turn around, open the door and leave. And this is what I did. *** Skin Row ain't so bad at night… Well, it's still shit and chances of getting stabbed or shot increase exponentially, but once you start not caring about such little things as dying, the streets of the filth-ridden district are actually charming. Dim street lights illuminate the road, which is covered in caught by the wind paper, leaves and bags. The air is thick with salt and car smoke. People who pass you by barely notice you and if they do, they are quick to ignore your entire existence. Maybe Skin Row isn't so bad once you learn to appreciate it all, warts and all. Or maybe I just do not care and appreciate some final moments of my journey. My legs carry me to my final destination. My entire body is trying to prevent the inevitable, trying to procrastinate… But I am dead set on TODAY. Ah, I see it there, over the horizon. The place where my dreams, my future and my love have died. The beach of Volcadera Bluffs. The smell of salt became even stronger. I could hear waves breaking against the shoreline. Somewhere, far away, you can hear kids laughing and singing. My only hope is that they won't interfere with my plan. I found a bench, not too far from the place where me and Fang decided to spend our prom night together. We were drinking and telling each other how everyone around us is a dumbass. Good times, fun times. Now that I think about it, if I died that day, if I accidentally drowned after she pushed me into the sea, maybe I would have died happy without realizing what I had done… Actually no, if that was what would have happened, Fang would have been arrested for manslaughter, and that would have been bad. Damn, stop procrastinating, Anon! I reach into my pocket and I take out a gun. This thing is heavier than a normal M9 so I guess it was slightly altered to be more fancy. I held one before while serving in the Navy, but thankfully I never had to use one against a living being… until today. Alright, Anon, just like you learned it in the Navy. I check if the gun is clean, if its sights are calibrated, check if the mechanism is all alright… why am I doing this? I will be shooting point blank into my head, no need for that shit. I guess it is just the coward part of me trying to win more time until panic kicks in and I chicken out. Not today, fight or flight mechanism. I make sure that the bullet is in the chamber. I brought only one and didn't need more than that. It's not like I'm gonna shoot up a beach or something, now that is a morbid thought. Heh, Anon, even now you're managing to be a cynical asshole. Well, old habits die hard. I look at the gun. Now that I think about it I never thought about how I'm gonna do it. In the temple? If I fuck up it will be a long and agonizing death. Forehead? Bad angle, same problem. I guess I will follow the advice given to me by Officer Lee. Mouth, slightly tilted up, to sever the nerve connection to the brain. Quick, instantaneous, and even if you won't die outright, you'll be too far gone to be saved. And more importantly, painless. I am steeling my nerves, my heart is beating faster and faster. Images of my life appear in my head. Come on, Anon, man up! You are a soldier, you can do it, just put the fucking gun inside your mouth and… Suddenly, I feel someone sitting down on the bench right of me. "What the hell are you planning to do with this gun?" One line… one line was enough to completely ruin my composure. And the reason wasn't that it was a line I didn't want to hear (although that was a part of it). No, it was that who said it that broke me. No, that voice. I don't want to look to the right. Please, Raptor Jesus, anything but that. "Are you going to answer that question or what?" Instinct took over and I looked to the right. It was Fang. My entire body jumped at this moment and I fell off the bench. "AH FUCK GOD DAMN IT MY LOWER SPINE!!!" I guess it did not heal properly even after all this time. I look up and see Fang still sitting on the bench, looking at me with a stern gaze, similar to the one she gave me when I just transferred to Volcano High. "F-Fang?" She did not say anything, she was just looking at me. With THAT look. Disdain, judgment and… actually, now that I look at it, it does not feel that way. It felt more… disappointed. "Long time no see… Dweeb." This is THE WORST CASE SCENARIO! FANG! THE SAME FANG I FUCKED OVER ALL THESE YEARS AGO IS LOOKING AT ME! ALERT! ALERT! "Are you planning on sitting there for the rest of the night?" She said, her voice had the same mischievous vibe as when we used to date, but her face remained unchanged. Tired and pale (well, as pale as she can be I guess). And there was no smile. "S-sorry… I was just surprised." Ah fuck, why am I trying to fall back on my "Cool Guy" persona? "Really? I never knew I was this scary." "S-sor-" "Don't say that word. I don't want to hear it right now." I immediately shut my trap. I lift myself up without showing my pain or shock. Judging by how Fang raised her eyebrow, I failed to do so. Awkward. I sit back on the bench next to her. "First thing first… Give me that." She pointed at my gun, which I had in a dead grip. At first, I wanted to say no or try to laugh it off in order to keep it, but the look that Fang gave me was the most convincing argument ever. I reluctantly passed my gun to her. She immediately unloads it. And also take out an empty magazine. All in one second. "Wow." "What? Have you forgotten who my father is? I learned guns before I learned how baby dinos are made." She laughed at her own joke. That little moment made me smile before I could even notice it. "I'll keep it for now." "Uh… it is MY gun?" "Yup, don't want you to accidentally shoot someone, now don't we?" She looked at me with a smirk, while pocketing my gun into her jacket. Well, I am not getting that back. "Man, I knew you were a rebel back in high school, but I never thought you would resort to stealing." I joke to lift the tension… But it had the exact opposite effect. The smile that Fang had on her face was gone. She returned back to that awful stare. "Anon…" "Yeah?" Suddenly, I felt pain in my right foot. "Ouch!" "This is for disappearing on me three years ago." Before I even can collect myself after such a vision attack on me, I receive another one, this time a backhand directed straight into my chest. "Agh!" "This is for making me run all the way here, you dumbass." Wait, did she say "Run all the way here"? What did she mean by that? "And that…" I braced myself for another hit. "This is for making me worry." I feel a light thump on top of my head. As I look to see what happened, I see Fang holding a small booklet over my head… Wait, the brow leather, the button… Oh, it is my journal. "So it is?" DAMN MUMBLING! I thought I had it under my control. "Y-yes it is…" A sense of shame washes over me. It felt so humiliating. Funny, just a moment ago I was ready to end it all, but now I feel tired, slightly scared and more importantly… "Ah, fuck… You-you've read it?" "Indeed. Well, more like I skimmed through it." Oh Raptor Jesus, thank you. "... UnREEDable Reed." "..." Kill me. "I just prevented you from doing it to yourself, I am not about to back down from that decision." Man, this sucks. I am trying to sink into the bench, but as I suspected, I cannot go any further down. "... You mad?" "Of course I am. I mean, what were you thinking? Why would you even attempt that?" "I guess… I guess because I served in the Navy?" Yeah, good job Anon, lie to her even now. A moment later I received another brutal stomp on my right foot. "FUCK! Stop doing that!" 'Nope, you deserved it. I mean… Man, that part of you hasn't changed." She covers her face with her right hand. She is fucking pissed. "Yeah… I know…" "Alright, let me rephrase it. That part of you. The "I am awful, everyone is awful, so it must be me who is at fault" part. The egoist who puts himself down because he believes that everything wrong in the world somehow revolves around him." "Huh?" What… What did she mean by that? "What I mean, stop thinking this way! It's not your fault that my life is so miserable. I did it to myself." "But I-" "You haven't done shit to lead me down this path, Anon. It was all me. All of this…" For a short while we embraced the silence, looking at the waves. The skies are pretty, but sadly no stars can be seen. I am trying to find something, anything to talk about. Suddenly, the silence is interrupted by the annoyed groan at my side. "Listen… I know you want to apologize for everything that you've done and didn't. But before that, let me have my turn first." Her turn? What did that mean? "First of… I wanted to apologize for everything I've said to you at the beach. About you being like the others and all that stuff. I want to apologize for treating you for granted, as a piece to achieve my own idea of happiness. I mean, I knew you wanted to go to the prom, I had the feeling, but because I was a stubborn "Higher Than Thou" bitch, I dragged you to a place you clearly did not enjoy." Why is she apologizing to me? She didn't do anything wrong. "I just… I always had this feeling in me that I had done something wrong, and it took me a month after we broke up to realize what I had done. I am sorry… for everything." This is bullshit. "What?" "I said, THIS IS BULLSHIT, Fang!" She jumped when I raised my voice. "Why are you apologizing? You haven't done anything wrong! You treated me for granted? You ignored my desire? What is this nonsense? It is I who is supposed to apologize to you!" She looked at me with a shocked expression… No, this is… Sadness? "It was all me, alright! I failed to be a good boyfriend. I was so… so stuck in my old way of thinking that I could not notice obvious signs that something was off. I just sat there and did nothing!" The world around me grew a bit darker, the skies no longer looked so vast and the sea almost looked hostile. Am I… angry? "I am an asshole! I am like those idiots who laughed at you during that concert! I am an asshole and a hypocrite who ruined everything! Your family, your friendship, all of it, because I couldn't stop even for a second to think about others!" I looked into her eyes. I cannot see her expression at all, only these two beautiful amber embers. "I thought that… that if I am gone everyone would be better off without me. Why did you stop me? I know you hate me! Then why? You would have been so happy to hear that I was finally go-" Before I could finish my sentence, something stopped me. A moment of darkness followed by agonizing pain on my cheek. Did… did she slap me right now? "Shut up…" "Huh?" "I said: Shut. Up!" Her voice was once again angry, but this time the anger was mixed with many other emotions. But the most prevalent was… I could see her tears flowing down her cheeks. "Are you this stupid? You never were like that before! Me, being happy if you were gone? Do you think I am some sort of psychopath?" She was screaming at me. Those screams were coming straight from the soul. 'You know how scared I was? When I opened that journal and saw its last entry? When I saw the lyric? The moment I saw them, I dashed all the way here, because I knew you'd pick this spot to… to…" She covered her face with both of your hands. "When I finally managed to get here, I saw you from behind… I saw you slumped over… I thought I was too late… I thought I've lost you once again, and this time forever. I wouldn't have been able to carry on if something like this happened…" Anon… what were you thinking? "Anon… I hated myself all this time… because I thought that I had ruined your life. If you died, thinking you were doing me a favor, it would've broken me! How selfish can you be!" "... Fang." Suddenly, I wrap my hands around her. At first, she acts surprised, then she hugs me back and proceeds to cry into my shoulder. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry… Even now, after all these years… I know I supposed to hate you and you supposed to hate me but… even now you are trying to support me." "Shhh, Fang, just calm down for now. You don't need to say anything." I try to hold on to my tears. I want to be relied on. I want her to know I am here for her but… I am not that strong, I myself have given way to my most repressed emotions. We were lost, alone in this place, this world… but at this moment we had each other. And I am happy to think this way. "... Dork…" I hear the light giggle. I cannot help but smile myself. I guess there are advantages to talking to myself. *** It took us a while to fully calm down. We both have given way to the emotions that were pent up for all these years. Once the flood was over, we managed to regain composure. Fang still held my journal. She was reading it. "Come on, you know how embarrassing it is." "Well, you left it behind for me to find, isn't it? So it gives me a right to read some of it at least." Well, one thing for certain Anon, you never try to pull this type of shit again. "Hehehe, man, you weren't lying all these years ago when you said that you were creatively bankrupt. This shit reads like it was written by a melodramatic theater kid!" Well, you just used two words with "drama" root in them… "And all that stuff about being an asshole, I mean, at this point it feels like this journal was written by a masochist." "... You know, for a moment I thought you'd make fun of my lyrics." She looked at me with annoyance. "I won't make fun of that, I am not an asshole…" She grinned "Unlike you." Fucking shit… Well, I did give her ammunition, so I deserve it, I guess. She was looking through the pages, grinning like she just saw the funniest shit ever. I just realized how long it has been since I saw her smile. It was refreshing. It is a nice change of pace from my usual, miserable surroundings. Suddenly she stopped flipping pages and her smile disappeared from her face. I peeked at what she was looking at. It was a doodle of Naser that I did a couple of weeks ago. "You miss him, don't you?" She nods slowly. "I… Sorry if I ask too much, but… what happened to everyone after graduation? Do you know where any of our friends are?" She still looks at the pictures I've drawn. Sometimes she gives out a sad giggle, drowning in her own nostalgia. "I don't know. I lost contact with them almost immediately after graduation." Her voice is soft, and kind, with a hit of melancholy. "Naser, well… he went to medical school. I always knew he would, after all, he was much more hardworking than me. He broke up with Naomi soon after graduation, I don't know the details. Trish and Reed… after that fiasco with the presentation I never really tried to reconnect with them. I dunno, it felt wrong to even think about it. Rosa and Stella, well, we never were real friends, just mates during the detention… they were nice though, always able to make detention fly by." The smile returns to her face, but this time I do not sense any joy from it. "I miss them, you know… well, except Naomi, fuck her." "Oh yeah, definitely." She laughed a bit at my remark. I feel pride in achieving it twice today. "After graduation, I was fed up with everything. With my family, with the school, with all this bullshit… So I just left. Left it all behind. I had such grand, romantic dreams, of becoming a great rock star, being the center of attention. You can see how it turned out… God, I am such an idiot." "Fang, you are not-" "Yes, I am. Wanna know something funny? Remember what you told me exactly that evening?" Ah yes, how could I forget it… "You were right." "What?" "You were right about me. God, I was such a selfish prick. And something was wrong with me. Actually, there is still something wrong with me still. Despite the fact that the world itself shows that I do not deserve greatness, I still return to that stage, hoping that one day something good will happen." She lights another cigarette "But it doesn't. Instead, I am stuck playing with two people who barely care about music. Don't get me wrong, they are a good bunch but… Stepan only cares about making money for college and Dude, well, I believe he barely cares about anything these days" "I assume they are your bandmates?" She nods. "They are the only reason why I keep trying, you know. As I said, they are good people. Small talk with them kept me sane all this time." She doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve to be alone. She had so much and yet she had the need to throw it all away. I wonder if that happened because she was selfish, or because of something else. "Maybe you should try to reconnect with your family?" She looked at me with an angry look. "I mean, fuck, Fang, your family definitely miss you, your friends probably miss you. Me? I know nobody misses me, because, well, I mean it's me." "Dweeb… I know they miss me… But." She paused, drawing in the cigarette smoke and then exhaling it in the shape of a perfect circle. Nice trick. "Thanks, dork." "Fuck…" "Anyway, I know my family misses me, god, they probably tore half a city to find me… But I cannot meet them. I left them with a singular goal in mind to achieve my dreams, to prove to you and everyone else that I am more than whatever I am… and if I return home before achieving that dream, then all the struggle, all the pain I brought to myself and others, it was all for nothing." I… understand this way of thinking. To give up everything in the pursuit of a dream only to be forced to accept that the dream is impossible. I am familiar with such pain. Alright, Anon, time to man up! I stand up from the bench and turn to fang. "You will make it…" She looks at me with her tired eyes. Anon, time to do what you do best. Be an absolute fucking dweeb you can be. "I say it again, you WILL make it. With them or alone. For a long time, I had a belief that you are destined for something more than a dinky pizzeria in the middle of a ghetto town. I always knew you had a spark within you that could light the world on fire. You struggled for a couple of years? Who gives a shit! The Fang I know wouldn't give a shit, they would pick themselves up, spit in the face of the reality that brings them down and keep pushing. And, I hope, I will be there when you achieve greatness! And if you allow, I'll be there every step of the way. If you need an audience, I will grab every person on the street and drag them to your concert. If you need a venue, I will beg every person on my knees to provide you with the best stage. Need equipment? I will find every music shop there is and bring you only the best, I will steal if necessary! But I will help you get to the top! That… that is something I promise!" I stood there in the most melodramatic pose possible. Man, this feels humiliating. Fang was staring at me, cigarette in her mouth, eyes open wide. Any notion of fatigue is gone from her face. A silence before something big. And then it happened. She was laughing her soul out. "Hahahaha! What was that? I thought you were in the navy, not a fucking circus, I can't..." Her laughter is incredibly infectious. I cannot help but smile. "And I assume my first poster will be this?!" She opened my journal on the page where I drew her profile with a stylized interpretation of her name. And my smile is replaced with an expression of absolute cringe and shame. "Ah, don't be so hard on yourself, it is good. God, you are still such a dweeb!" Fuck me. "Yeah, you wish." … Double fuck me. "Ha… I haven't laughed this much for a long time. You haven't changed a bit. I am glad." Yeah, I haven't changed… what? "You still a fucking dweeb who is terrible at hiding what he thinks or what he wants. You are honest in ways you don't even realize." I guess I am. "... Even now you are ready to support me… Hey, Dweeb, give me your phone." Almost instantly I passed my phone to her without thinking. "Here, my new phone number. Call me later when you are ready to "get me to the top" or something. Don't misunderstand me, this is not getting back together… just a friendship invitation." I swear I could hear her whispering "for now" after that sentence. Anon, this may be the second chance at life, don't mess it up! "Of course! I never expected us to get back together or something but… It is nice to have at least someone to talk to." I smile looking at my contacts. Only one number there that isn't the landlord's. And it is hers and… wait… "... Lucy Fang?" "Yup. That is what my band-mates call me. Never told them my real family name." "Wait, then that means..?" "You can write "she" and "her" in your dweeb note… That non-binary stuff is in the past. Nobody will give you morality points for trying to be politically correct in your own diary." I can feel my cheeks getting red. "But thanks… it is good to know you were ready to accept me even if I was still me from high school." Fang stood up and passed me my journal. "I expect you to write more in it. No need for your life to end with those lyrics." She turned around and was walking away. I looked at my journal. For some reason, there was a question that I wanted to ask, completely unrelated to anything we talked about. "Hey, Fang!" She turned around. "How did you get your hands on my journal? I mean, the plan was for you to discover it tomorrow…" "Oh, that? Your friend gave it to me." My friend? "The loud guy who looks like he has never been sober in his entire life. He is actually a reason why I noticed you in the first place. I mean, he was screaming your name like crazy. After you walked away and I tried to chase you, he passed me a journal." Wait, that guy? "He said something along the lines of "last page first, everything else later. A present from the past, and gateway to tomorrow". Strange person, you shouldn't associate yourself with those types. Anyway, I need to go… I dropped my bass back at the pizzeria, and Stepan still probably guards it. Don't want the guy to spend the night in a cold, dark building haunted by health and safety violations." And just like that, she walks away. Wait… that guy gave it to her? Why? And what did he mean by… " I must say, ANON MOUS , that you have some fine taste ." Wait… " Maybe after the concert, you should ask her for her number! " No… " I set up the path already. You won't be doing it tonight " … "Hehe, I was played like a goddamn fiddle." And I can't even be mad at that. I guess I owe that guy a drink… But it is unlikely we will ever meet again, so. Damn, it is cold, better go home… I just realized that Fang did not give me my gun back. Oh well. Time to kick the dust, my home is quite far away. And I want to write to Fang as soon as possible. *** Well, if it isn't a job well done, Rando. You did well. It always feels good when all the pieces of your plan fall into place. [It feels good, isn't it? Helping people feels good.] Well, that's a new sensation, you think. You haven't felt like this in forever. [Glad that this "feeling" is still within you. Remember it, savor it while you can. You will feel it only tonight, and it will melt away with the first flares of the rising Sol. Tonight is your night, Detective Rando P. Erson] Well, if it isn't a time for celebration. You take a cigarette out of your front pocket and light it while observing Anon leaving the bench. You are too far away and the darkness of the night shrouds your presence enough for everyone not to notice your presence. You observed it all, tears, smiles, laughter and… acceptance? Almost a forgotten concept by this point. "I am glad that everything worked out, didn't want to do the "suicide prevention" speech, I am really bad at those." Good job, Sire. Your sublime skill at grabbing attention and playing an idiot has come to good use. … Were you really pretending to be an idiot? Or are you one for real? Not the time, brain. "I guess I need to report to Rips about Lucy's recent activity." [Yes, you do that. He will be over the moon knowing that his girl is making progress] You pick your trusty flip phone out of your pocket. You open it and find the commissioner's contact in your phone-book. You press the green button and listen to the long rings. One. Two.. Three… COME ON YOU FUCKING OVERSIZED DELTAPLANE, IT'S ONLY 22:00. Finally, you hear a click. "Ripley Aaron speaking." "Man, you really need to work on that picking-up game." "... Rando, some of us have families." Suburbs area, a small two-story house standing. Once brimming with life now half empty. A pterodactyl woman sitting on her bed, this action became a routine. She wonders where she made a mistake. Why is her family falling apart? Where is her son? Where is her daughter? On the lower floor in the middle of the living room stands Commissioner Ripley Aaron. He holds a small flip phone that has only two contacts in it. One belongs to an officer named Rando Erson. The other belongs to a person whom Ripley never once called. Ripley hides it behind his tough cop persona, but even he is aware of how cold the home has become. The only reason he comes back there at all is because of his wife, whom he fears leaving alone. They are not my children, but they are your kin. Protect them with your very being. "Rando… Are you there?" "Yeah, sorry, another episode…" They are becoming much more vibrant as of late… Must have been a wind… "Anyway, I am here to report about Lucy." "... Anything new?" Anticipation, hope. "Actually yes, today she met with one of her old friends and it seems like they hit it off!" Silence… What is this tension? [Relax, do not stray. You know he trusts your decision.] "... Which friend?" "Old one, they talked like they used to know each other well back in the day." Description. Provide a description. "Human, bald. In his early 20s. Pale skin. The most unremarkable face ever. Funny sounding name." … ABORT, ABORT! SOMETHING IS WRONG, TURN AROUND, DROP DEAD, DO FULL 180!!! [No, continue. He must know.] "His name is Anon Y. Mous I think…" Silence… Death… YOU'VE BEEN WARNED! [Relax, he's just shocked about it, that's it] Suddenly you hear a click. Ripley Aaron closes the phone, his hands trembling in anger and fury. He almost throws the phone against the wall but composes himself before doing it. He looks upstairs. He does not want to scare his wife with his anger. "Tomorrow" he says "I will talk to him tomorrow about it." … Why does it feel like you fucked up? [Relax, the rage will pass, tomorrow another day, today you deserve rest. Drink, but not too much, go north, then east. Look into the reflection… You may need to shave your face]. This is actually not a bad idea. The moon is glowing through the cloudy skies. Purple velvet leads the way. Today you reunited two souls, but that is just the beginning. Feel the joy, there is work tomorrow. [NOTES] Well, this turned out a bit longer than I wanted. And I finished it earlier than I was expecting. After writing the first chapter I was so motivated literally every moment of my free time was dedicated to this. Hope it is as good as I believe it to be. Feel free to criticize it. I want to improve as a writer in English.