It’s the day before the big move. Even though nearly everything in my room is packed, there is one last thing we need to do…something I am dreading. We have to go back to Anon’s apartment and get the rest of his stuff. Not that there will be much to take, mostly what’s left of his clothes, his games, and of course Raymba. I haven’t gone back since the day I left…when I never planned to see another day past it. Standing in front of the mirror in the dim light of the bathroom brings back memories, thoughts of when I stood here loading a gun with what I had planned to be my way out of pain I couldn’t see the end of. The images vividly flash in my mind as I remember the feeling of each round as I put it in the chamber, a mistake I will always regret, a decision made from misery and fear.

I sigh warily as I pick a comb up off the counter and run it through my hair. It takes a little more maintenance these days, but it’s worth it. Each time I see the new me I feel that much further away from what I almost lost. A future I nearly gave up, and a love I would have never experienced. Anon is already downstairs waiting on me. I hate making him wait, but it’s taking all my resolve just to get myself to go. I don’t want to know what I will do when we get there. The memories I left behind there are best left forgotten but if I just hide from them, I’ll never heal. It’ll be another regret tugging at my soul until the day I die.

I finish combing my hair and dust a little black eyeshadow on before heading out the door and downstairs. Anon is sitting on the couch checking his phone but hops to his feet as soon as I step into the living room.

“Hey Fang. All set to go?” He walks up to me, holding his hand out and I take it in mine with a thin smile.

“As ready as I’ll ever be. Let’s go get your shit so we don’t ever have to go back to Skin Row for the rest of our lives.” The fucking place is a nightmare. I still remember when he gave me his pocketknife. I thought it was a joke but after seeing the seedy crowd lurking around every darkened alleyway, I always kept my claws ready in case some fucker needed a new hole to breathe through.

“Did you want to walk, or should I call a cab?” he asks, pointing at his phone.

I shake my head. “A walk would be nice. Some fresh air will do me some good, plus the cab driver won’t let me smoke in his car.”

Anon chuckles with a quick nod, interlocking his fingers with mine. “A brisk walk to Skin Row it is.” He taps his pocket with his other hand and clicks his tongue. “Hmm, where is my knife anyway?”

I dip my hand into my pocket and flip it out. “Got it right here.” I hand it to him and he stuffs it in his pocket.

“You don’t want it for yourself?”

I flash out my claws on my hand with a smirk. “Just got these sharpened a little while ago, Anon. I’ve got ten knives of my own…you can keep your one.”

“Point taken.” He pulls me a little closer before pecking me on the cheek. “Let’s get moving, then. I want to be in and out of that place as quick as we can.”

“You and me both.” I sigh. For me it’s for entirely different reasons but I can’t say it’s ever a pleasant place to be even in the morning. My parents are already out of the house grocery shopping and Naser is still out fucking cold if the snoring that I can hear from down here is any indication, so we lock up as we leave. Not going to leave Naser exposed to any psychos with a grudge—still don’t know if Naomi is ever going to show up thinking he’ll have learned his “lesson” and come crawling back to her. The stupid bitch. I couldn’t be happier that they broke up. She never deserved him to start with. God…why did he waste so much time with her? Both of our lives would have been so much better if she was never in them to begin with.

I take a deep breath as I slide my hand free of Anon’s and flick out my pack of cigs from my pocket, pulling two out and offering one to Anon, who sticks it in his mouth as I light it up for him and then my own. The soothing menthol taste calms my frayed nerves a touch. I’d need the whole fucking pack to quiet the riot in my brain, but I can’t turn into a damn chain smoker.

Anon takes a few quick puffs, wispy rings floating out with each breath. “You going to be okay?” He looks over at me. “You look a bit stressed out.”

“Just not the happiest place to go back to.” I let the smoke settle before breathing it out in a thick cloud. “Skin Row always sucked. The last time I was there, I wasn’t in the best place head-wise and you know that.”

He frowns a bit with a slow nod. “Yeah…I know, but it’s the last time we are ever going to be here, so at least there is some joy in that. I’ll make it quick so we don’t have to spend any more time than we have to there.”

“Thank fuck for that.” I sigh as I burn up the rest of my smoke before crushing it under my heel. I pull out another and light it up. Anon doesn’t say a word. Looks like what I said last time stuck. I stuff the pack away before grabbing his hand in mine, which seems to relax him as a smirk curls on his lip. The familiar sights of my neighborhood slowly fade into the wretched squalor of Skin Row as our brisk pace brings us into the dingiest part of what is normally a beautiful town. My grip on his hand tightens as my eyes glance at the people leaning against the walls mixed in with the cardboard hovels of the desperate. The fact they keep eyeing us isn’t helping any, either.

“Anon, come on, go faster.” I pull at his arm as my pace quickens, my heart rate already going up.

He gently squeezes my hand. “It’s okay, Fang. They won’t mess with us. Not in broad daylight, at least. We’re almost there, just a couple more blocks.”

I don’t relax my grip, focusing ahead of me so I stop staring at all the creeps looking for an easy mark. We stop in front of his apartment building for a moment as fear starts to creep in. I really don’t want to go in there. Nothing about that night is something I want to remember. My entire world fell apart that night after that disaster of a show…and then to find out from Anon that Naomi had been controlling both of our lives, even putting us together, manipulating us. It was all too much for me. I fell in love with him on my own but in my broken state that night, I believed that it wasn’t me, just her fucking with my life and that no choice had been my own. I mean, Anon probably didn’t hate that night like I did—after all, he got laid—but for me that was one last desperate cry for help as I tried to find some semblance of control. The day that followed was a wound I’ll live with for years, and I still don’t know what permanent scars it left behind.

“You there, Fang?” His words snap me out of my thoughts, and I look at him. “You were staring at the door there for a few minutes.”

“Just sorting through some bad memories. Let’s get up there.”

He smiles but I can see the concern in his eyes as he heads up the stairs. Each step I take feels heavier than the last as I creep up the stairs behind him. I don’t know if I should be here…it’s not too late to run. Fuck me, why does this have to suck so goddamn much? I join him by the door as he sticks the key in the lock and I swear I can hear the tumblers scream as they click open. He holds the door for me as my eyes dart between him and the now wide-open door. Fear nearly roots me in place and my wings press against my back; no part of me wants to be here. He’s about to say something when I finally break free of my paralysis and step inside.

The scattered bits of his remaining belongings decorate the floor, except for Raymba who still sits happily in his block cage, bumping idly against the walls. I walk to the center of the room as he comes in behind me, picking through his stuff on the table and checking the drawers of the entertainment center. My breathing is uneven as I struggle to keep myself together. Come on, help or something, distract yourself. Anything is better than standing here trying not to have a meltdown.

I flex my wings a couple of times, trying to beat the stress out of me as I head to the bathroom and start picking through the cabinet. We aren’t going to have a lot of spare medical stuff around to start, so anything he’s got stocked up in here would be helpful. I grab the first aid kit from the counter and pop it open, shoveling in all the pain medication, gel rubs, and bandages still loosely hanging around. There is plenty of space in it, so I stuff his razors and shave gel inside as well. No combs to be found except for a hairbrush I left here, and after putting that in I lock the kit. I check below the sink but if there was any toilet paper or cleaning supplies, they are long since gone. The last thing in the bathroom is a single towel that I pull from the rack. At least being productive helps calm me down a bit.

I leave the bathroom and gently place the towel and kit on the bed while he is busy tapping a few long-since stale cornflakes out for Raymba, who greedily vacuums them up. Good thing it’s just a little robot, else the fucker would have starved to death.

“There you go, bud. Sorry it’s been a while. Don’t worry, won’t miss a single feeding in our new place. You’ll have another parent to watch over you as well now, too!” He gestures over to me with a big grin and I roll my eyes at the dweeb with a smirk. “Thanks for cleaning out the bathroom, Fang. Can you check under the mattress for any of my stuff that may have rolled under there?”

“I better not find anything fucking weird or I’m coming after your ass.” I get down low on the floor as I look under the bed. It’s pitch-fucking-black, and I can’t see a damn thing so I start rooting around under there. I roll out a few long-lost video game cases and I think this mangled mess of electronics used to be a controller. I guess even Anon loses his temper every now and again. My hand touches a cord and I pull on it. Slowly but surely, I get it out from under the bed and my blood freezes. It’s his alarm clock, and there is even one of my feathers stuck between a gap on the top. I don’t feel like I’m even breathing right now. Everything is slowing down to a crawl as the clock shakes in my hands. My failed attempt at keeping him here stares back at me, judging me for what I did, for what I was thinking of doing.

I lose it. I throw the alarm clock across the room with a horrified scream as I scurry back from the bed. As it shatters into pieces, Anon turns around immediately as I shoot back up on my feet. My wings flare out behind me as all the memories come back to torment me at once. My pupils shrink, and the feathers bristle on the edge of my elbows and my wings.

I’m lost in my own mind as I shout, “I’m n-not a m-monster!” My beak trembles as my hands claw down the side of my face. “I didn’t do it…I-I didn’t hurt anyone! Please…stop.” I pace around the room rapidly as my whole body quakes. The thoughts rampage through my brain, tearing at me as I fight hopelessly against the flood.

“Fang!” Anon yells but I still don’t stop.

“P-please stop…I d-didn’t hurt anyone…I’m n-not a m-monster. I j-just want to be happy, stop it!” Tears burst from my eyes as I cry out. I can hear the gunshots in my head, each one louder than the last, the screams of my peers tormenting me. The future that almost was, the monster I could have been. I collapse to the floor shaking with my wings limply spread out beside me. My breathing is sporadic as sobs heave from me, my vision narrowing. I see Anon’s face pop up in front of me.

“Fang! You’re okay!”

My internal turmoil rages before his presence soothes the pain. Reality reasserts itself as his eyes lock with mine and the panic attack fades. I keep my gaze on him, fearful of looking at anything else. All I want to do is run, but he has me in his grip and holds me tight. My sobbing quiets and my breathing steadies.

He sighs. “There you go…everything is okay.” He helps me up on my feet and we sit on the edge of the bed. God, how many times is this shit going to happen? Is this just my life now? Just finding some trigger that sets me off over and over again until I finally lose my fucking mind? I hope not. I don’t want that to be my future.

A quiet moment passes as his hand rests on my leg. I’m unsure of what to even say right now. “Thank you.” I mutter quietly as I collect the pieces of myself I just scattered all over the damn place.

I don’t like the look in his eyes as he sighs again. “Fang, why do you keep calling yourself a monster?”

I shoot back up to my feet and I look away from him. No…don’t ask me that. Anon, I can’t bear the thought of you turning your back on me…please don’t ask….

“Tell me, what is wrong? I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.” He stands up and puts his hands on my shoulders.

“Stop, Anon. Please, stop.” I don’t want you to know how close I came to doing something unforgivable. I try to pull away but his grip keeps me in place. He slowly turns me to him but I can’t get myself to look him in the eye.

“Be honest with me. You can trust me, you know that. Just tell me what keeps doing this to you.” He speaks softly with all the comfort he can muster while I continue to stare at the floor.

“Anon, please…I can’t. I don’t want you to leave me behind. I don’t want you to know what I almost did.” The tears come back. I keep staring at the floor as they fall to the ground.

“What did you almost do? Tell me.”

“No, I can’t, please.” I lift my head up to him and there is a tender expression in his eyes even with the urgency plastered across his face.

“We can’t get past this if we don’t deal with it. I promise you, I won’t go anywhere.”

“No, I—”

“Fang, please just tell me.” He stops me before I can say anything more. Fucking hell, I’m not getting out of this.

“I was going to shoot Naomi!” I blurt out and his jaw drops. I pull myself free of him and go to the window, my claws digging into my shoulders. “Y-you see? T-this is what has been f-fucking me up!” I choke out between my sobs. “That was what I w-was going to do b-before I s-spent that day with you!” I glance back at him. “I had it all planned out. I would go home, get my dad’s gun, and then I’d find Naomi and…and…I would kill her for everything she did to me, to us, to my brother!”

He doesn’t say anything as he looks back at me. My wings tremble as I struggle to continue. “What’s worse is that I don’t even know what I would have done if anyone had tried to stop me. What if my brother tried? Would I have shot him too? How many people would I have ended up hurting? H-how many lives could have been lost if I had gone through with my stupid fucking plan!?” I blurt out as I turn around to face him with my wings flared out behind me, tears streaking down my face.

I lose the strength in my legs and I collapse to the ground again, covering my eyes as I weep. “I never went through with it. I couldn’t. The day I spent with you instead of just going home made me realize what a monster that would have made me. How it would have ruined my parents’ lives and the lives of so many others. How could I possibly think of doing such a fucking terrible thing? How can anyone ever forgive me if they knew what I almost did…how can you love me after this?”

I expect to hear him walk out the door. Every scenario in my head of this moment ends with me alone, crying and afraid. I hear his steps and I resign myself to my fate, but they are coming closer, not fading into the distance. He stops as he gets down on his knees beside me. He pulls my hands away from my eyes and wraps his arms around me and pulls me in close. I grip his back, sobbing uncontrollably. Even after hearing all that, he’s still here with me.

He says nothing as he pats my back gently, allowing me to get it all out in his arms. My claws dig into the back of his shirt as the pain flows from me. After a minute, I quiet down and lean away from him, wiping my eyes with my arm.

“That’s why I call myself a monster, Anon…because I almost was one.” A sniffle breaks through as I gaze into his eyes. “The girlfriend you love so much was so close to being a fucking murderer.”

He shakes his head as he cups my cheek. “No, she isn’t a monster. Never was, never will be.”

“What?” I try to say more but he puts a finger to the tip of my beak.

“We’ve all thought about doing terrible things when pushed too far. No one is innocent in that.” He sighs warily. “I mean, back when I was all alone, there were plenty of times my thoughts got dark and I imagined all the horrible shit I could do. How I could have gotten back at all those people at Rock Bottom for mocking and bullying me. But I didn’t do it.” His eyes peer deeply into mine. “And neither did you. You didn’t do anything, Fang. You aren’t a monster.”

“B-but I could h-have…it would have been so easy. All the shit Naomi has done…how s-she wanted to ‘fix’ me and turn me into some perfect woman, and how she manipulated you, trying to use you as well.” A mournful frown spreads across my beak. “She hurt us so much Anon. I hate her.”

“I hate her too and trust me, I’m sure I could think of plenty of ways that would be a fitting end for that manipulative bitch but that doesn’t make us monsters. Doing it would have.” He pulls me back into a hug, his arms pressing me against him as my cheek rests against his. “You made a choice; you turned it inward and while what you did to yourself was wrong…you didn’t kill anybody. You’re Fang, the beautiful ptero I love, and I’ll never leave you. Don’t beat yourself up about this anymore. We’ve all thought of things that scare us, but it doesn’t make you a monster. It makes you…well, for lack of a better term, human.”

I quietly giggle as I nuzzle his cheek. “Really, dweeb? Human?”

“I know. I couldn’t think of anything else.” He sighs with a chuckle. “But the meaning is there. We’re all flawed, we all think terrible things. I mean, I can’t count how many characters I’ve locked up in my Sims games in rooms filled with wooden chairs and carpets with a fireplace and no doors. Would I ever do that in reality? Fuck no…but the point remains is I still thought about it.” He edges me away from him with a warm smile. “You’ll never be a monster, Fang. Just the person I love.”

All my fears evaporate. The idea of losing him and living my life completely alone disappears. I know how much therapy I’m going to need to get past this, but to know that I’m not alone in my thoughts makes it so much easier. I have been beating the shit out of myself for even thinking of that but he’s right. It’s the act that makes you a monster, not the idea. I put my hands on his cheeks as I lean in, kissing him gently. He places his hands on my hips as we share a moment of healing. The kiss lasts a few moments before we slowly separate, quietly resting our foreheads together.

I sigh as I take his hands in mine. “Anon, you have to promise me something.”

“Anything, Fang.”

“You can’t tell anyone about this. You might be understanding but if my dad heard this, my ass would be locked in my room until I’m forty.”

“No problem. This is just between us and whatever alcohol and cigarettes we will need to beat the shit out of it.” I chuckle as he stands up and helps me back on my feet. “Now let’s finish getting my shit out of here, then we can leave this place behind and everything it represents. It’s the past, and we will bury it here.”

I nod with a soft smile and we get back to work. I shovel more crap out from under his bed, finding a few scattered feathers left behind from my uh…goodbye. He finishes packing up the rest of his vidya stuff and puts Raymba into a small bag. I grab the first aid kit and what little remains of his clothes. He mocks Naser all the time for wearing the same fuck-ugly jacket but I swear his drawers only have the same green jacket and shirt in all of them. I can’t say much…I think I own five black halter tops and just as many ripped jeans.

After one last check to make sure we didn’t miss anything, we nod to each other and head out the door, locking it one last time. He drops off the key to the manager and I look up the stairs one last time. While it has some of my worst memories, it has one of my best. The day he and I were honest with each other about our feelings. I’ll take that with me for the rest of my life. The rest can lie buried here, forgotten in the dark times that nearly took my life.

We decide to take a cab back, not wanting to walk all the way through Skin Row carrying a bunch of shit in our hands begging to get robbed. We still had to get to the edge of it cause the driver won’t come all the way down here, but he helps us pile the crap in the back and speeds off toward home. Anon tosses a couple bills on the seat and we get his stuff. We get to the door and Naser opens it for us.

“Hey guys. Have a fun trip to Skin Row? You didn’t get robbed did you, Fang?” He looks me over, trying to find what I guess would be bruises.

“Nope. Nothing bad happened, Naser,” I say as I walk past him as he holds the door open.

“Okay good. Never can be too sure around all those people. No offense, Anon.” Naser stopped himself from saying anything super racist this time, at least.

“None taken.” Anon shrugs as he brings the box of games inside.

“After you guys drop all that stuff off, come on back down. I made soup.” He gestures to the table with a rather large pot of soup in the middle.

“Wait.” I raise an eyebrow. “You cooked something? You didn’t light anything on fire, did you?” I sniff the air dramatically and he groans.

“I’m not completely helpless, Fang. I’m going to be on my own soon…I need to practice, anyway. I followed one of Mom’s recipes to the letter. It should be perfectly fine. Plus, I could use the feedback.” He looks at me with the most pleading eyes I’ve ever seen and I sigh.

“Alright fine, we’ll try your soup just let us get this shit upstairs.” Naser’s smile is too adorable for words as he grabs a couple of bowls and starts to fill them up. Anon and I quickly head upstairs and pile his belongings into the large stack beside my bed. We head downstairs to see Naser standing proudly by the table with two bowls of steaming soup. We take our seats and he eagerly watches as I look it over. I mean, it looks just like her chicken noodle soup. The veggies are a little misshapen and cut weird, but funny-looking food doesn’t mean it tastes bad. Naser’s eyes follow me as I put a spoonful into my mouth.

My eyes pop open as the flavor hits my tongue. Holy shit, he did a fucking amazing job! He sits there quietly as he awaits my judgment. I show him how much I like it the best way I know how as I take the bowl in my hands and pour it down in one go. I wipe my beak off with a grin and hold the bowl out for more. He is beaming as he loads me up with another bowlful and I take my time with this one. He looks over at Anon, who looks like he is lost in bliss with every spoonful he eats. Seeing Naser so happy completely melts away the last of the anxiety I’ve been wrapped in since we left Skin Row. We almost drain the whole pot before finally feeling full but incredibly relaxed.

“That was amazing, Naser!” Anon pats his full stomach with a wide smile. “I’ll take some of that to go when we move out tomorrow.”

Naser doesn’t stop grinning like an idiot as he collects the bowls from us. “I could do that, sure! Still got plenty of stuff in the fridge to make more. Thanks guys, I really appreciate you trying it for me.”

“You keep cooking like that, and I’ll try anything you make.” I smile before a belch loudly interrupts me and my cheeks turn red. “Uh…compliments to the chef?” I shrug as they both laugh. Naser clears the table and Anon and I head up to my bedroom to double and triple check that we have everything packed. My walls look so bare with all my instruments and posters taken down, but it just makes me happy. I’m finally going to be starting my own life, living the way I want to. I take a seat on the bed and pat a spot beside me, and Anon plops down.

I lean against his shoulder with a smile on my beak. “Tomorrow is the big day, Anon. We’ll be on our own. Doing whatever we want, playing music all across this town just like I’ve always wanted to.”

He rests his head atop mine with a pleased sigh. “It’s going to be the best time of our lives. Minus the college crap, but at least that’ll help in the end. We won’t be rich, but we’ll be happy.”

“That’s all I need.” I wrap a wing around his back pulling him closer. “You, me, and our band. Maybe a couple little ptero children running around, who knows?”

I can see him turning beet red out of the corner of my eye and heat radiates from his face. “W-wait, are you pregnant? Oh fuck, I need to childproof the place. Not just for the kids but for me. I’m too accident prone for exposed sockets!”

I roll my eyes at him. “No dweeb, calm down.” He lets out a huge sigh of relief. “Just planning for the future. I’d like to get the band up and running before I go turning into a watermelon for nine months. But you don’t hate the idea, do you?” I haven’t really put the question to him before, and a tinge of worry starts scratching at the edge of my heart.

“Of course I don’t. I just need time to plan. Childproof locks on the cabinets and socket covers for them…and for the times I think I’m smarter than an electrician.”

I roll my eyes and him and hide a smile. Raptor Jesus, this dork is going to get himself killed.

“A little you would be adorable to have around the house, and just think of all the fun we could have!”

“Do not teach them how to make a railgun.”

“No promises.” He smirks.

“Fucking hell, what in the world am I going to do with your dumb ass?” I fake frustration with a smirk.

“Wing hugs?” he asks hopefully, a childlike sparkle in his eyes.

His smile grows as I pull him close to me, enveloping us both in my wings as he sighs happily. At least I don’t have to worry about him losing his shit if we end up with kids. Not that I’m planning on it right now. Need a permanent babysitter, though…I’m not going to give up my shows if a kid comes into the picture. I bet Mom would love to babysit, especially since both Naser and I will be leaving soon. Another little bird for her nest would bring her such joy considering how much she talks about grandbabies.

“Anon,” I say quietly as we lie on the bed.

“Yeah Fang?” He turns to face me, wrapping an arm around my back.

“Thank you for being so understanding about…well, what we talked about.” I snuggle a little closer to him as I get comfy.

“It’s nothing.” I pop an eyebrow at him. “Okay, it’s not nothing, but it’s also nothing to worry about. We are both in a better place than we were that day. We’ve got a shining future to look forward to! Except that I’ll be working at Moe’s for probably minimum wage but still, far better than going into the military.”

The thought sends a shock through me. I still hate the idea that I could have lost him to that, of all things. Fuck any future that forces us apart like that. “I’ll be right there with you the whole time,” I say as I kiss him on the cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” He kisses me back as he pulls the sheets over us. The idea still digs in my brain. I could have killed Naomi. I could have killed so many people, and back then…I fear I wouldn’t have cared at all. I shake the thoughts from my head. It doesn’t matter, none of that matters. The past is over and I only have a future with him to look forward to. A smile graces my beak as I close my eyes. Perhaps someday a kid will join us in that, too.