I stare down at the revolver resting in my hands, twisting the cylinder and spinning it. Everything is falling apart; every dream I’ve had is breaking. All I wanted to do was succeed at something—anything—and instead I failed. My band didn’t make it past the first song…again. I had been so certain I could do it. I could’ve made them see the real me inside, the fiery talented ptero with a heart full of dreams. Now I sit here in my bathroom, spinning the cold metal of the revolver I stole from my dad’s room after he left this morning. A single tear streaks down my cheek. I just wanted to be someone…anything more than ignored and laughed at. A knock at the door shakes me out of my thoughts and I wonder who it is. “Hey honey!” It’s my mom. “You are the last one out today, so don’t forget to lock up!” Her sugary voice penetrates the door with ease as I sigh. “Sure, Mom. I got it…don’t worry.” “Okay Lu…Fang. I’ll see you when I get home, right?” “Of course, Goodbye, Mom.” “Bye honey.” The silence returns; my thoughts the only thing keeping me company in the dim light of the bathroom. I pop open the cylinder, my fingers drifting across the empty chambers. I look off to the side, a small pile of cartridges strewn across the counter. I glance up at the mirror, taking in the sight of myself. My eyes are cold and bloodshot—the amber luster that normally burns bright is dead. My silver hair is frazzled and unkempt. There are small patches of missing feathers in my white wings, and claw marks cover the blue scales on my shoulders and arms. My makeup is completely ruined, streams of orange and purple streaking down my face. All my youthful vigor gone, as all that remains on my face is the strain of having lost all I dreamed about, the pain etching across my tear-stained cheeks. How…how did it come to this? I lift the revolver in my hands, the still-empty chambers waiting for their destiny. We were going to make it…why did it have to happen like this? My eyes close, prom night rushing back into my mind. ******** “Fuck!!!” I scream out as the string snaps on my guitar. I don’t have any replacements and I have no fucking time to go home to get any. “What? Oh fuck!” Trish stares in disbelief as I hold the torn string in my fingers, the panic already settling in. I don’t have any options left! Anon hurries to my side. “Shit! Okay, there has to be something around here we can use. They’ve got to have spares or something!” “There’s nothing here! They pack up the stuff because they don’t want people fucking stealing anything overnight, especially with people probably getting fucking drunk at prom right now!” I slam my fists against my thighs, staring at the frayed string with rising frustration as I clench my teeth. Anon scans the room looking for anything we can use. “There has to be something. Fang, come on, we ca—” “Anon!!! Just stop! Just…just leave! Go back out to prom, I’ll fix this. Please just go!” I can see the hurt in his face. I instantly regret what I just said, but I don’t know what to do. This needs to go right, and I don’t know what the fuck to do! “O--okay, Fang. I’ll see you when you get on stage.” I watch as his shoulders slump in defeat, pain in his eyes as he glances back at me before going out the door. Fuck me, why did I say that? He just wants to help, and I throw him out like he’s fucking garbage. I’ll make it up to him later…right now I need to do something to fix this. “Trish, do you got my bass?” I point to her while snapping my fingers. “Hand it over.” “Are you sure, Fang? What about last time?” “It doesn’t fucking matter! Just give me my goddamn bass!” She yelps as she pops open the case and hands it to me. Okay…I can salvage this still, there’s still a chance, my dream can still happen I just have to play the best I possibly can. We hurry to the stage as Spears is trying to get the students to pay attention. He announces us and we set up our instruments. I catch sight of Anon, my eyes meeting his. I can see the hurt in his, but he still holds a thumbs up from the crowd. I’m still full of fear and panic, but I have a small flicker of confidence with him there…maybe I can still do this! We don’t bother introducing ourselves, beginning to play immediately. It doesn’t take even a minute before the laughter starts, the jeering from the crowd as they scoff at us. “They still fucking suck after almost six months, holy shit!” No…no, we don’t suck. please, we’ve been working so hard. Trish and Reed are already inching off stage as my bass hangs loose from my shoulder. It’s all over…everything I’ve done has been for nothing. What is even left for me now? I turn to leave the stage, but as I do, a punch cup smashes right into my back, causing me to stumble and fall. The tears stream down my face as I try to stand back up, making it only a few more steps before a water balloon strikes me, knocking me back down. I sob uncontrollably as I curl up on the floor as more and more foodstuffs strike against my back. Please…please stop. I just want to be something…please. A jacket drapes across my shoulders as I hear Spears scream the crowd down. With their assault broken, I flee the gymnasium. Tears fall from my eyes as I bash through the auditorium door and run down to the stage. “Goddammit…I just wanted one thing to go right. One fucking thing so I could say I meant something…. Why couldn’t I have just one thing…?” Tears cloud my vision as I slam my bass against the floor, splintering it to pieces as I lean up against the stage, sobbing silently into an uncaring void. ******** I open my eyes again, fresh tears from the memories falling to the counter. Anon came back not a few moments later to tell me it didn’t matter, that none of it matters. I know he was trying to make me feel better, but it just broke me further. It matters to me. It was my moment, my last chance. I reach down and pick up a cartridge from the counter, slowly loading it into the chamber before clicking the cylinder to the next, again and again as I fill every last spot. I felt bad leaving him this morning, but by the time he wakes up it’ll be over. He had explained everything to me that night after prom. How Naomi had put us together, and I had thought in that moment that she had been the cause of every single one of my woes. It was stupid of me to think that…how the fuck could she possibly be responsible for all that happened to me? No, I was looking for an out, someone else to blame, someone else to lay all the pain and problems on. Even if she was the one who got Anon and I together in the first place, we are…were together on our own. ******** I want to run away, flee back home, but something keeps me here with him. After my freak out and the night I spent silently weeping in his bed, he tries harder to explain it to me this morning. I hate her…there is nothing at this point that will change that in my mind. He spent most of the day playing vidya, trying to apologize and tell me more. Eventually there is nothing left that can be said and I reach up to him. “Anon, it’s okay. You don’t need to explain it.” “But I do. I shouldn’t have kept it to myself. I should have told you as soon as I figured it out, but I was too fucking stupid to notice.” “Anon…” I put a hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay. It’s not your fault.” “But I—” I put a finger to his lips. “Sshhhh. You don’t need to say anything…there’s nothing to forgive. It’s not your fault.” I push against him, knocking the air out of his lungs as I kiss him deeply, holding the back of his head in my hands as I try to find a spark of passion in me. Something at all to burn away all this pain I’m feeling inside. Anything at all to make my life feel like it matters, even if it’s to just one person. He pulls away from my lips and stammers, “But but…Fang….” He continues to protest as I slowly push him toward the bed, knocking him over and straddling his lap. “Nothing Naomi has done matters, nothing she has said matters, all that matters is you and me right now.” I lean over him, kissing him again with all the passion I can find as I pull the shirt off him. He has given up at this point, simply letting me do whatever I want. I pull my shirt off and throw it in the corner before tearing away my jeans as I return my lips to his, desperate to feel something in my heart. Of all the people in my life, he deserves what I’ve done to him the least. I didn’t care about him as much as I should have. He may have been foolish, not knowing how to properly date someone, but how could I lay that at his feet? I was his first and…and I could have done so much better to help. His eyes stare up shakily at mine. He is out of his element…can’t say I’m any better. “It’s okay, Anon…just lay back, I’ll take care of everything. I love you.” “I…I love you too, Fang.” ******** As the thoughts of our last night together string across my mind, yet more tears drip to the counter. I slept with him. I was hoping it would heal the pain, make me forget about everything and push past this. It didn’t help, but it did turn my hatred away from Naomi and the people at school. Instead, I came to realize it was me the whole time. I did this to myself, and every failure was because I had done nothing to fix things. I didn’t stand up to Trish, Anon did. Every time it got hard, I would run away and find someone else to blame. “Anon, I’m so fucking sorry. You didn’t deserve to suffer like you did. You didn’t deserve to have me fucking make you apologize to Trish when she was the one who fucked up your life. I only hope…with me out of the way, you will find someone you can love that will give their heart to you…like I should have.” I finish loading the revolver, snapping it shut and spinning the cylinder. This is my way out, the way out for everyone. My family won’t have to suffer—dealing with me and my issues—and Anon will heal someday. He will find a new person to love. I place it in my back pocket as I scour the house, checking every last room. As I check the kitchen, I feel a final calm come over me. There is no one home…it’s time. As I turn to go up the stairs, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. Goddammit, not now. Why didn’t I just throw it awa— The thought freezes in my mind as I look at who is calling. No. I had unplugged the alarm before I left him this morning…he can’t be awake. I can’t ignore the call—he’ll come looking for me if I do, and he’s not that far away. I click accept and raise it to my ear. “Hey Anon, what’s up?” “Hey Fang, where are you? I thought we’d be walking to school together today, especially after all the shit you just went through.” “Sorry Anon…I had to go home and get something. You can head off without me and we can meet up later, okay?” There must be something in my voice he is picking up on as his tone is laced with worry. “Fang, are you sure you are alright to go alone? I don’t mind coming over to your place if you need someone t—” “No! I…I mean no, I’m okay…you don’t need to come down. I…I swear I’ll meet you there.” He wasn’t buying it one bit. “Fang…what’s wrong?” “Nothing!” My voice cracks as the tears start again. Goddammit, I do not need him coming here and finding me…stay home, Anon, please! “Just…just don’t come…” The worry shifts immediately, flying almost into panic as he speaks rapidly, “Fang, I’m coming right now. I’ve already been running to your house…please don’t do anything!” “Goddammit, Anon…don’t!” He tries to protest before I end the call and stuff the phone back in my pocket. Fuck, fuck, fuck! He’s coming and I don’t even know how close he already is! No, I need to do this, I can’t back out now. I have nothing left to live for and I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. Anon…I love you. Please don’t hate me for this. I hurry up to my room, shutting the door as I pull the revolver out of my pocket. It’s heavy in my hands, and something screams in the back of my mind to put it down and not give up. That something slows me down just long enough to set aside the gun as I pull my phone out one last time. I tearfully type out the last words I will say to anyone. “I love you, Anon…I’m so sorry.” I can see his frantic texts starting to pour in as I drop the phone on the floor. Tears burst from my eyes as I know how much this will hurt him, but I have no options left. Nobody in this town will listen to my music now and everyone already hates me for how I’ve been acting these past few years. I think of my family—how much it will suck that my parents will have to bury me, my brother left with questions and no answers. At least this will be the last time I will hurt them. One final goodbye at the end of a barrel. Wiping the tears from my eyes I reach over for the gun, holding it gingerly in my hands as I prepare myself for the final moments of my life. I wish things had gone differently. I wish I could be the person they so desperately want me to be. But there is nothing left, just a pile of broken dreams left behind and a path of misery with no one to blame but myself. I press the gun to my chest, pointing the barrel directly at my heart and pulling back the hammer. I don’t want to risk a shot to the head; I might just end up living as a drooling idiot for the rest of my life. One shot is all it will take, and it’ll be over in almost an instant with little pain. A wan smile crosses my face as I think of Anon one last time. I love you, Anon…please be better than me. Shock courses through me as I hear my front door fly open and slam against the wall. He’s fucking here already?! I’m so sorry, Anon…I’m sorry you will hear this. My hands shake uncontrollably in fear at the thought of him getting to me before I can do this, but I find the strength to pull the trigger. A single shot rings out and I hear him scream down the hall. The bullet tears through my chest, cutting through me before hitting the wall and clanging into a metal stud. Searing pain overtakes me as the gun falls from my limp fingers. How…how am I still alive? I fall to the floor as blood starts to leak through my shirt, staining my clothes and wings. With my hands shaking as bad as they were, the shot missed its target completely. I begin to cough up blood as I shake on the floor. I must have hit my lung. Of all the things I could fail to do right…I couldn’t even kill myself. My bedroom door flies open and I weakly look over and see Anon. His face is one of pure torment and terror. I see the tears in his eyes as he sees me shaking on the ground, the blood just barely starting to pool under me. Oh god…Anon, I’m so sorry. I never wanted you to be here to see this. “Oh my god…Fang!” He screams as he falls to the floor beside me, checking where the wound is before rolling me on my back. “Oh, sweet Raptor Jesus no…Fang? Fang!” He puts pressure on my chest, trying to stop the bleeding as I cough out more onto his shirt. “Anon…A-Anon, I’m s-sorry. But please…stop…let me die…I-I w-want this.” Blood chokes out my words as I struggle to speak. “Fuck no!” He screams again as he pushes down hard to stop the flow, stuffing a shirt under me to block the exit wound. “I will not let the one person I fucking love in this world die like this!” He spots my phone lit up on the floor and slams down on the emergency call button. “No…A-anon, please d-don’t…d-don’t c-all…” Blood drips from my lip as I feebly reach out to try to stop him from calling an ambulance as he shakes his head at me. “I’m not going to let you die, Fang. I can’t let you go. I love you too much. I’m sorry I’ve been such a piece of shit boyfriend, but I am not going to lose you…not like this.” Another coughing fit strikes me as more blood tinges my beak and teeth. My eyes stare up at his. The pain is unbearable…what have I done? “Hello? I have an emergency…please send help right fucking now!” I can barely hear the response from the other end, but Anon doesn’t even wait for them to finish. “I need an ambulance! My girlfriend is hurt fucking bad, she’s got a gunshot wound straight through her chest and she’s coughing up blood…get here quick!” “An….A-Anon…I’m s-sorry…” I feel so cold. I can hardly make out the details of his face as my vision gets hazy. “Fang?! Fang, stay with me goddammit! Don’t close your eyes…come on, don’t you give up on me. I will never give up on you. Fang! Please…don’t die…I love you so much…please, Fang!” Even through all the pain I feel his tears fall on my face, the misery and panic in his voice making my heart burn in agony. “A-Anon…I l-love you…I love…” My eyelids grow heavy as the last of my strength leaves me. I regret this so much. I’m so sorry, Anon. I shouldn’t have given up. I could have found something else to pull for, even if it might have just been for you. The last word I hear is one final panic-filled scream of my name from Anon as the light fades from view.