Two days in a row, huh? It's like Raptor Jesus is itching to see how this ends. I don't need to meet her right now, right? Before I can change any decisions I realize that I'm already halfway down the path. My feet are on autopilot. The entirety of my focus is on my mind and the sound of my footsteps. My reasoning degrades rapidly, abandoning all previous logic and rationale that I built up. I start to run through the most basic of questions that I've spent hours trying to justify and answer. It's maddening. Why am I going there? I literally have nothing to do with her now. Why the FUCK am I doing this? I have it GOOD in life. I get free fucking money and play video games all day. I've literally got nothing to worry about. Why am I trying to take more mental baggage over some retarded, deluded junkie? ... Is that how you really feel, Anon? Doesn't matter. It's too late for any other arguments now, of course. When I get back to my senses I find myself a few feet away from the stairwell to the epicenter. It takes me a fat minute but I move my eyes up with reluctance. Oh. The door's closed, and I don't hear any voices coming from behind it. Looks like they're done for the day. Oh well. That's it, then. I'm not just gonna barge into their apartment like that. Besides, I don't know what their room number is. Just need to go to that restaurant evey once in a while, see if she's playing and then talk to her offstage, and then I'll be done. Simple as that. ... Sadly my relief is short lived. Voices start coming out of the door again, albeit muffled. "...enough. We're done..." "...TOLD you this isn't going to fucking work...Now it's..." "...find from the junk yard...haven't been the lucky..." "...leave the duct tape?..." "...in front..." I hear faint footsteps coming towards me. Fuck. Shit. The door to the entrance opens slowly after a few seconds. I see her bony figure now adorning a gray-blue hooded sweatshirt marked with faint blotches of brown and stitches coming lose near its seams. She takes an expressionless glance at me for a moment as she walks down the stairs. Looks like she's going towards the single-legged wooden table on the other side of the stairway. ... Let's quit stalling the inevitable. "H-Hey." My voice was weak. Those words come out with greater difficulty than I expected. Thankfully she seems to have caught them. Fang grabs the duct tape on one hand and the table on the other before turning towards me with a snarl. Our eyes meet. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. My mind is instead occupied with taking in Fang's disheveled appearance again, during which I fail to notice her growing impatience. "Alright just fu-" ... She doesn't finish the threat. Her eyes are forced wide open, her posture frozen in her place. Looks like realization has finally hit her. Oh God. Time had seemingly stopped. No words are exchanged between us in the entire duration. She just looks at me, completely catatonic. It now occurs to me that I've just needlessly reopened an old wound. Fuck. Why did I go through with this? Why would meeting up and digging up old dirt make things any better? The more time passed, the more wrong my decision to meet her felt. "...why the f-fuck...no..." She's the first to move after what felt like an eternity, snapping me out of the trance along with it. Her expression is still of unchanging shock. Fang started to hurry into the entrance with things in hand, shaking her head side to side with great intensity. I weakly extend a hand as she walked away, but I remain still in my spot. Words still refuse to come out of my mouth. Fang pushes open the door and shuts it with force. ... Moments later, I hear those two talking through the door again. "...go...handle the rest..." "...havent gone...yet" "JUST GO, Okay?" "I don't know what happened-" "GO!" The door opens once again, revealing a confused spirosaurus just caught in the collateral damage. I come into her view as she comes down the stairs. Of course, she's probably suspicious that I have something to do with Fang lashing out on her. She stares at me for a moment before opening her mouth. "Who are you?" "I-I..." "I. SAID. GO!" Both me and the spirosaurus flinch. She turns to Fang, then to me, and then takes off with confusion still on her face. Occasionally looking back at us as she walked down the street before disappearing at a turn. Could have probably avoided bringing her into this if I came here at a better time. Fang stands still on the top of the stairwell, looking at me with an expression that I fail to describe. Was it shock? Disgust? Betrayal? For whatever reason she couldn't find the energy to tell me to go away or shout. Maybe she's just doing away with her disbelief of me of all people showing up on her doorstep. Honestly, I don't believe it either. The moment I step out of my apartment I just start bumping into her again, as if fate wants to rub my mistakes onto me. Still, no words are thrown. Is she waiting for me to go away? ... I dare not break the eye contact. Just waiting for her to do something. Anything. ... She slowly sits down with her hood pulled up while facing the stairs and fumbles around her pocket before bringing out a single cigarette and a lighter. She then lights the cigarette, takes a long draw, and lets it out. I scramble for anything to say and open my mouth. "W-What happened to you?" ... She remains quiet. ... It's high time that I begin what I set out to do: apologize. Just need to get this out to her, and then It'll all be over. I'll be able to forget about all of this. "Fang. I'm...I'm sorry for everything. I shouldn't ever have said those things to you th-" "Why are you here?" Her tone is flat. "I'm just here to apologize, Fang. I- I'm just-" "Why are you back here?" "... I- I've been back for a month now. I signed up for the navy after high school. They- uh, they discharged me a while back." ... No response. She takes another long draw from her cigarette and lets it out. "I should have apologized sooner. Much sooner. I... I ran away from my problems and I know that it's too late to ask you to forgive me but I really, truly, sorry. If I can ever m-" "Sorry for what?" ... What? "You just did what you could." ... "You didn't know any better. You're just a tool, after all. It's not your fault that you can't do anything by yourself. What else can anyone expect from a pathetic little skinnie bigot like you? You just can't help it. You were just Naomi's little bitch that she used to 'fix' her oh so handsome boyfriend's failure of a big sister. Why would anyone else have given you the light of day? And guess what? She failed, and I made sure she fucking knew it." She exclaims with mock glee. Her retorts are coherent, unlike what I managed to muster out. Somewhere in my mind I held hope that whatever anger that Fang had against would have subsided after all of these years, that it would hurt less than this when I finally got to hear it, but of course, that was just wishful thinking on my part. "So, you know, I don't need your little apologies or pity or whatever. It's not your fault. No one needs to fucking help me or control me. I can handle myself just fine. So fuck off now." ...'Control'... Fang finally deflates. Her hardened expression and posture fading away, but still not looking towards me. ... Her words sting. Like salt to wounds. It's over. I can go home now. ...But, I don't agree with her. Not entirely. She's gotten some things wrong. She doesn't want to have anything to do with me. No surprise there. I knew that all along. The time for salvaging any of this is long gone. I just came here to apologise for the slim chance that she would forgive me for all of this, for the very selfish hope that she would get rid of my sense of guilt, but some things remain to be said. Like this apology, There are some things that I should have clarified long ago. "I did love you, Fang. I really did." ... She's silent, but I can see her fists curling and her posture tensing up. Memories come rushing back to me. The time we had on the rooftop, the dates we went to, the time she invited me to her house to play guitar with her. Clarity finally reaches my mind. "She did push me towards you. But it was my decision to fall in love. My feelings for you were real. I'm not going to lie to you and say that I didn't mean some of the things I said that day, but it was still the 'you' that I chose to fall in love with. I... I was incredibly grateful that you wanted to spend time with someone like me and I ruined it. I didn't have the guts to face you again. I shouldn't have gone out with you without having a honest conversation about...that. I shouldn't have kept it in. It was unfair to you. I wasn't the right one, and I should have never been with you in the first place, but I am truly grateful for the time that you spent with me. I'm sorry, Fang. I am sorry for everything." Finally, I vomit all of my thoughts out. I've got nothing left. ... Slowly, Her fists loosen and her arms fall to the sides. "Get out." Fang gives out her ultimatum. But I still have to ask, "What happened to you, Fang? Tell me. Please." ... No response. I'm not moving until she gives me an answer. ... The light from the sunset is all but gone. A few tenants walked in and out of the door paying little heed to us. Fang finally gets up from the stairs. She turns around, opens the door, and then shuts it. So ends our last conversation. Don't think I'll achieve anything by chasing after her. I begin the walk towards my apartment. My feet feel extraordinarily light and heavy at the same time as I trudge along the remaining blocks to my apartment. My pace is slower than usual. My vision blends together in the dimly lit streets, but I simply cannot bother with paying any more attention to my surroundings. Aside from the scant number of people in the area, a few cars and a police vehicle whiz past me as I walk along the path. I don't feel any better. That guilt isn't ever going to go away, but gettig that apology out of my chest has helped me slightly. Hopefully in a few months or years this will all be in the past. Hopefully, one day, Fang will again become a distant, inert memory in my mind of a time long gone, and I'll be able to continue on with drifting through life being a nobody. ... She said something about Naomi. "And guess what? She failed, and I made sure she fucking knew it." She "made sure"? Did she hit her? ... Well, it doesn't matter anymore. What's done is done, and I'd rather not know. Nothing can be changed now. She's got her own little place in the world now and it isn't any of my business to intrude into that. She's still the same Fang that I saw in high school, and going off what I saw today she's still got the spunk. Worse off, maybe, but still the same person. She'll bounce back. It gets worse before it gets better, doesn't it? Keep telling yourself that, Anon. Good Job. You know what's going to happen to her very well, don't you? You just can't stand bearing witness to it. ... I'll keep cherishing the memories that I made with her. It was one of the few times that I felt truly happy in life. The only time ever that a girl bothered to take me home after I was injured. Pretty much the only girl ever that decided to give me the time of day out of will. Hell, the fact that we even interacted with eachother, much less got into a relationship is a miracle in itself. I mean, look at us. A fucking punk dinosaur girl and some human loner with an obsession for Japanese media. Match made in hell. It was happiness that I felt by being with her, and I will probably remember it for the rest of my life no matter how much I try to cleanse my mind of it. It's saddens me to see how she ended up, and it saddens me even more that I can take no part in helping her. I'll never forget you, Fang. Goodbye. I hope you will be able to be happy some day. Turning the knob on my door doesn't fill me with relief, but I know the reason why: I'll have to live with the regret.