Dirty blood. That's what they call me. Dirty blood implies the existence of clean blood. The difference between casual and competitive racism is the velocity of slurs that are lobbed at me. I use silly nonsensical comparisons to keep my mind at ease while I'm being berated. Really, I'm getting ahead of myself. Stuff like this doesn't really happen every day. Once in a while a pack of wild assholes will get a bit brave and say shit to me behind my back within earshot, just to see what they can get away with. If Sera isn't around, I have to endure it, for the sake of not being suspended again. Fucked up thinking, if I say anything, I'll get in trouble. I heard this school kinda went down the shitter two principals ago, now it's all about “fairness” and shit. Really it's just fancy language for punishing people who push back against bully-asshole mother fuckers. Since day one I had a target painted on my back where my other wing should have been. A harsh punishment for being born a hybrid. Don't get me wrong, I could fucking destroy literally anyone in a fight. Those karate lessons I got as a kid weren't just a childhood fling, I fuckin' studied the blade, and I stuck with it. I could kill a T-Rex gym rat, probably, most likely, but the rules of the land keep me from inflicting the vigilante violence my body so craved. So I'm stuck with these fledgling emotions, shackled to the fact that I have to keep up appearances as being a ‘normal’ girl, for the sake of family and shit. Mom tells me I'll rise like a phoenix. Yeah, sure. What the fuck do you know. As I sit in my room I have several unread messages on my phone. The random assortment of band posters and books I haven't read begged me to give even an inkling of a shit as I thrash around on my twin sided bed just… trying to not seethe about my awful day at school. Sure, I could be talking to Sera or Cynthia, but I was almost enjoying my anger alone. I get to construct in my head multiple ways I could have epically owned those pricks, but… Fuck the irony posting, even if it's just in my head, it’s cringe as fuck. I bashed my head into my wickedly soft pillow multiple times just to get SOMETHING out. Fucking sons of… I grabbed my phone off the nightstand. Cynthia, with yet another horribly racist as fuck meme about triceratops, sent to both myself AND the group chat, like she desperately wanted everyone to see the exaggerated caricature of a trigger fucking stabbing someone else with the caption of “MFW you live in London.” Granted I did laugh. I have no other comment. I took a deep breath and replied a lowercase laughing out loud. The fact that I had to hit the caps lock on my phone's keyboard to emphasize that it was only moderately funny should calm her down before Sera sees that shit. She’ll freak the fuck out and then we’ll have to sit through another stupid lecture on sensitivity from her. When my friend group is having a spat it's just funny. When I get called a fuck winged retard in real life it lives in my head rent free. I think that makes me well adjusted. The notification ding. “Get in VC you fgt” Fuck off gremlin. “Get in or I'll fucking rope.” And that will be your fault. “And the cops will beat your fucking door down and rape ur ass” Well when you put it that way, I guess she's gotta’ point. “What do you want Cynthia?” I say as dry as possible to hide my earlier sperg out. “AMBER YOU FUCKING WHORE!” Her shity gamer headset did her voice no favors as the compressed audio shot through my phone's speakers. “Where the FUCK where you? I had to walk home from school alone, with Sera! Literally worse than being shot.” My eyes roll to the back of my head. “I just wanted to be alone for a bit. I took the long way home.” “The lonely thing only works for me stupid. Now tell me what's wrong.” “Nothing happened Cyn’. Just needed space.” “Oh space my ass. Something happened today, and I'll be DAMNED if I let a friend be sad and alone… like a faggot.” Any normal person wouldn't listen to this, but I know her, and I know when she's being sincere. “Fine, whatever, some fucking Therizinosaur dude and his friends kinda… “ “Ah hell nah bitch. Again?” She cut me off. “... And I know that guy too, I think. They all look the same not gonna’ lie, but he's like, such a fake mother fucker. Sera tells me about him.” I raise an eyebrow. “You rumormonger with Sera?” “Of course I do! Both online, and real life drama interests me. Anyway, that guy sucks. Football guy, cheats on his gf, claims to love and help all the potato children in the retard wing of the school but doesn't. Real cool guy if you ask me.” “I'm uh, surprised you know all that.” “Me too! God she never shuts up does she!” No she doesn't. “We should jump him!” Cynthia continued. “No, Cynthia.” “Pussy.” “I didn't say I'd stop you.” “Fuck off!” I giggle at her implied small stature. “Listen, I'll call you back. I got more pacing in my room to attend to.” “Sure, Amber. Just please tell me a day in advance before you say ‘goodbye Volcano High.’” “Are you implying I'm going to shoot up the school?” “YOU SAID IT, NOT ME FBI.” She screamed as she hung up the call. I laid my head back down on my pillow and continued to soak in the misery. I feel like my agency has been taken fully away from me, and all I can do is take life around me as is… … Mom's advice did start to work its way back into my ear, despite everything… “If your heart was broken, you would be dead.” Words she gave me for my first breakup with a boy, but I do sorta feel the same anguish I felt that day right now, so I guess it's applicable. Amber, get up and take action. You are surrounded by smart people, it's time to utilize 'em. My first thought was Maria, she was a real one. If I was starting a gang, she would be my first goon. … Am I only saying that because she is mexican? Maybe I do need that lecture. Sera was definitely on the team. She's smart, also strong. When she's not actually gooning over mid tier human men she could take over a small island nation by her lonesome. Cynthia is Cynthia. And Melissa? No idea. Completely unknown entity. Like she's cool and all but very soft spoken. I pray, and I don't pray often mind you, I pray she isn't a psychopath who's just waiting to strike, BUT IF SHE WAS, I need that energy funneled into the gang. Yeah, it's all coming together. I think we're gonna KILL HIM … … … Ah dude I am so fucked. Six more months of this shit. Then college. Kill me. I roll over onto the side of my body lacking the stupid wing. I'll be stronger later… [NOTES] More to come...