My alarm went off, waking me up from my four? three-hour sleep? I don't know, I didn't check it before laying down on the bed. I turned off that unbearable noise in a bad mood and forced myself out of bed to start the day. My apartment had two rooms and a bathroom. There wasn't much furniture, just a table in the living-dining room and a couple of chairs, although I didn't need much more. A computer, internet and a power outlet were the main things I needed, plus a bed to sleep in. I reheated last night's leftover pizza in the microwave while I checked my phone. I had about 30 minutes to eat breakfast, get dressed and go to the bus stop. This would be my routine for the next few months: wake up, eat leftovers for breakfast, go to school, come home, order fast food and sleep while using all the time in between to shitposting or masturbate. The great life, I hope I can maintain after I graduate. The microwave beeped, and I pulled out the pizza slices. The hot cheese burned my tongue, but I devoured those pieces of bread. Now dressed and with melted taste buds, I left my apartment. It was cold as hell again with a stabbing wind, but I made it to my destination. On the way I was remembering yesterday's events. The concert, that guitar player and Som struggling not to cry on the bus. It wasn't my problem such things, but for the sake of politeness maybe I should see if Som is ok now, or something. Although also the director wanted to talk to me, about what? No idea. Decisions, decisions... I don't really know Som and I honestly don't care about the drama. Excuse me, but as the saying goes 'Not my problem, none of my business'. I made my way through the school until I reached the old part where the principal's office was located. On the way to the office, I recognized a couple of humans. The long-haired drummer and the bespectacled keyboardist were arguing in one of the less crowded hallways. I slowed down a bit to see them and listen a little better. "Man, please..." "Unde, don't you understand I'm tired!" Replied the bespectacled one to the long-haired one "If it's not Anon being an asshole, it's Stra being a bitch. They both are insufferable." "But we're a band, we're friends..." "I'm fucking sick of the band and those two! I get along with you Unde, but if they don't relax, I'm out." The bespectacled one’s stern tone made the long-haired one look down, defeated. The bespectacled one sighed and patted the long-haired one on the shoulder. "We'll talk later when the rest are here, okay?" The long-haired one didn't answer. The one with glasses went down the hallway and the other boy just stood there. He looked up slightly to watch me. We watched each other for a second before I went on my way. It was more drama that had nothing to do with me, so I pushed that information out of my head. When I got to the principal's office, I opened the door without knocking first. The office was quite spacious. There was room for a bookcase and several filing cabinets, although it lacked windows, so everything was bathed in the yellow light of the overhead spotlights. Principal Blue was behind a long L-shaped desk, with a large cross above his head on the wall, and Som sitting in front of him? My entrance without warning had interrupted their conversation, and they both looked at me with surprise. You should have knocked stupid. There was a silence where I stood frozen in the doorway until the principal spoke. "Hello Miss Aaron. We didn't hear you knock." "Ah..." Should I admit my stupidity and say don't knock now? "Can you give us one more minute, and I'll be able to attend you." "No, no. It's okay. I'm leaving now, principal." Before I could use that excuse to run away, Som stood up from her seat, declaring that. The principal fixed his gaze on her, giving a friendly smile. "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm going to manage it. Principal." "Okay. If you want to continue later or talk about something else, you know you can come with me. Have a good class day, Miss One." "Yes, I do. Thank you very much, principal." Som grabbed his bag and left the office saying hello to me and telling me to see her later at lunch with a forced smile on her face. "Are you coming in, Miss Aaron?" The principal's words made me realize that I had been standing in the doorway like a statue. Embarrassed, I sat down in the chair that Som had previously occupied. "I'm sorry, did I interrupt something important?" "No, no. Nothing for you to worry about. We were just... clearing up doubts." "Is also the school counselor?" My question arose from the doubts created from many jokes by priests and altar boys, and 'Japanese literature' of students and teachers about similar situations. "In addition to principal, I am also on the board of the foundation that owns the school and pastor of the church. My job is give advice and support to everyone who needs it and try to guide them on the right path of the Lord. We all carry a cross, Miss Aaron, and I try to help them carry it." "Okay." He sounds sincere and doesn't seem like a bad person. But you never know, better to go with caution. "But well, what can I do for you, Miss Aaron?" "Ah... You said you wanted to talk to me." "Right, right. I just wanted to introduce myself and welcome you to this Institute." "Is that all? Well, Pierce already took care of that and I already know the place." The director took a second before responding, as if thinking over his words. "And also, so you can tell me a little about yourself." I stared at him with the most neutral look possible. God, this was a mistake. If my parents didn't tell him the reasons for my transfer, he's wanting me to tell him. Or if he does, I imagine this will turn into a sermon about the virtues of a good Christian and how I shouldn't have done everything I did because I'm going to hell. No thanks. My father's sermons are more than enough for me. "I rather not." I replied harshly. The principal backed up in the chair, assessing the terrain he stepped into. "I understand. No need." "If that was all, I can go now?" I didn't wait for him to respond. I had already grabbed my bag and stood up from the chair. The principal looked at me hesitantly, barely affirming. I was already opening the door when he spoke to me again. "You can always come talk to me whenever you wish. My door is always open if you want advice." "Thank you sir for your words. See you later" My voice sounded more mechanical than a computer as I answered without seeing him. I left that office angry. Everyone always wanting to help me, wanting to give me the answer to all my problems, wanting to 'fix' me. All arrogant idiots. If it was that easy, don't you think I would have done it myself before? 'Have more friends, Lucy'; 'Be more social, Lucy'; 'Don't spend all day on the computer, Lucy'; 'Stop blaming yourself, Lucy'; 'Be a better daughter, Lucy'. If I could change from one day to the next, I would damn well do it. God knows I wish I could change, but I can't. I CAN'T! Why don't they just stop fucking with me about it and leave me alone! The cold snap that hit distracted me from my thoughts. I had inadvertently left the school. I didn't know where I was until I located the soccer field. It was in the back, between the school and the church. I leaned against the outside wall of the school and let myself slide to the ground. I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing to calm my nerves and the tears that wanted to come from the anger in my eyes. I spent a minute breathing until I managed to calm down. Then I checked my phone. There was still plenty of time left before classes started. I decided to distract my mind by bothering strangers on the internet until the start of classes, ignoring the cold wind that was blowing against my face and wings. Later, I should check the place to see if there are any dark holes nearby where I can hide with my phone when I need it. I heard footsteps approaching. I looked away from my phone to see who was coming. It was a small world. The big speciesist guitarist was passing in front of me. He looked like he hadn't slept last night, and his uniform was wrinkled and dirty as if he had rolled around on the floor. He was carrying his guitar case on one shoulder and his bag in the other. He didn't give me more than half a glance before entering the school. I checked the time. I should be going to class by now too. The periods passed very slowly thanks to my boredom and lack of interest in the lessons. Finally, lunch arrived. I looked for my dark corner, but before I got there, a red-haired figure intercepted me. "Hi Fang" That girl's bright smile hurt my eyes. "Hi Som. How are you?" I reflexively replied as we sat down. "Fine. How about you Fang? What did you go to talk to the principal?" "He gave me the welcome he didn't give me yesterday and more bullshit." I replied with disinterest. "What about you? what were you talking to him about? And sorry for interrupting." "Oh, don't worry, it was nothing important. Just a few things." Her expression told me it wasn't entirely unimportant stuff, but I had no interest to inquire either, so I let it go. "And Stra?" Som's smile fell. "He went to talk to her band. They had some things to discuss." I felt sorry for the tone in which she said that. She fiddled with her food in silence. I could have continued the conversation and distracted her a bit, but I didn't feel like talking. I ate in silence, hoping she wouldn't pick up the conversation, and clearly I wasn't going to be that lucky. She tried to make some small talk with me, I merely replied in a monosyllabic way. After lunch, classes ended after long and tedious hours. I did not meet Som on the bus back, so I was able to stretch my wings at ease in the seat. The next morning, the alarm clock dazed me again after my few hours’ sleep. I had the same poor breakfast again, and the cold still sucks. Classes were still boring. The only new thing was that at lunchtime Som didn't show up. Could it be that she finally got tired of me? That would be great news. I could finally go back to the original plan of going unnoticed in this dumpster. I guess my happiness annoyed God, so disaster struck in the next class. Science. "All right, listen up!" yelled Professor Greyfox pounding her desk, demanding everyone's attention. "Today you are going to do an experiment. I want you all to pair up and get to work, and I want it by yesterday!" That woman was clearly one of the old school teachers, back when it was permissible to beat up students. The few classes I've had with her, she always had an impressive constipated face and took every opportunity she had to belittle me like the speciesist she was. I liked her hat, though. Each student was gathering in pairs, some with their friends and others only with whoever was next to them. I sat there watching the movement of the humans, looking for someone who seemed to be alone, so that I wouldn't have to make an effort to search and reduce the risk of rejection. Minutes passed and each student had found his or her partner, and the teacher was already handing out the materials for the work. I looked for someone who was alone and... there was no one. "Ptero, and your partner?" the teacher asked me when she reached my seat. "I don't have one." The old hag smiled, pleased that no one wanted to pair up with me. Well, now say some sarcastic comment with double meaning and let me work alone. "Anon, come pair up with this." The teacher's statement caught me off guard. Following her gaze, I saw the guitarist sitting a few chairs to my right. He didn't seem to have a partner either. That guy was such a filler NPC that even my brain didn't register that we were in the same class and that he was also alone. The guitarist got up unwillingly and dragged his chair over to where I was. His face looked annoyed, as if he had been asked to take out the trash when he was doing something else. I'm not jumping with joy for working with you either, asshole. The teacher threw the experiment materials at me and walked away. I turned to my partner. "Hi." "Hi." That was a nice talk. Let's get this crap over with quickly. We split up the materials and instructions for making a levitator with magnets. I began tying the wires together while that guy was putting together the structure of the device. We worked in silence. Neither of us had any intention of speaking to the other. “…” "Did you say something?" "No." I was answered by the human. I continued doing my thing. “…” The guy was mumbling something. I tuned my ear to hear better. "...the band and school. One problem after another that just won't end. And now that I have to do this thing with the meteor-dodger that no one wanted." I'm scorned by the guy the teacher instinctively knew would be without a partner. He must easily recognize the ones in his class. "EY!" I yelled, snapping the human out of his internal monologue. "I done" I tossed him the strips of wire I had tied. "Plug that thing in at once." The human silently took the wire with a disgusted look on his face and began tying it to the battery. "That's why no one picked you." He said in a slightly louder mutter. Under other circumstances, I would have ignored him in order to make the day go by faster, but I hated this guy and I want to make him miserable. "Hey, asshole. You know I hear you?" The guy froze for a second, cursed under his breath and bit his tongue, contending himself. "Sorry" He blurted out very forcibly. The guy looked upset, possibly stressed, tired and from what I understood didn't know how to control his emotions. The perfect victim for me. "Sorry, I didn't hear what you said, spear-thrower?" My obvious provocation caused him to clench his fists tightly and bite harder on his tongue. "I'm sorry, Meteor-dodger." Good, it's mine. "What's the matter, did I say something to upset you, you retarded monkey?" When you engage in a conversation with a troll, you have the choice of 1) ignoring him and going on your way; or 2) responding him and giving him what he wants. He chose the wrong option. "Can't you shut up that landing strip you call a snout, you monochromatic freak?" Good one. Here's a better one for you. "Then how could I tell you what to do? Because I don't see you with enough brain development to do anything more complex than bashing two rocks together until a spark comes out unaided, you fucking skinnie." "You wanna fight or what?!" he said, raising his tone. "No, I'm just stating facts. Or do you want me to explain it to you with bananas?" As the human opened his mouth to respond, and I was preparing my next racial slur, the teacher interrupted us. "Stop talking and get to work!" That wake-up call caused us to back down from our war of insults. "Let's get this fucking over with." "Yeah..." The next thing came so naturally to me that I didn't realize "...you don't want to fuck this up like you fucked up with your solo." The human threw the experiment away with one swipe and leaned toward me. Instinctively, I backed away, almost falling out of my chair. That guy was staring at me with a huge rage and gritting his teeth. I think I overdid it. I was raising my foot to give him a preemptive kick when the teacher shouted: “ANON!” We both turned our heads. The teacher was advanced toward us with a cane that looked more like a club in her hand. She stood intimidatingly in front of us, eyes cold and hard. Anon looked at the teacher's face, then at the club, then back at her face. Although it was obvious she wasn't going to use that thing, the message was clear. The human settled back in the chair in a submissive posture. "Pick that up" She said pointing to the remains of the experiment. Anon got up from the chair to pick up the experiment while the class watched silently and nervously at the scene. As I watched that act of humiliation, a feeling of satisfaction arose within me. That feeling quickly disappeared when I dared to see the murderous look on my teacher's face. Her anger and hatred were so pronounced that it made me stand up straight in my chair in fear. I looked down at her club, which she held tightly and firmly. It was just for intimacy, wasn't it? Anon sat down with his head down after placing the remains of the experiment on his desk. "I'm going to talk to you two at the end of the hour. Finish your work." With nothing more to say, the teacher returned to her desk. The room slowly began to fill with shy conversations as they regained the confidence to talk again. The two of us stayed in our seats, unmoving and embarrassed. I tried to start answering the theoretical part of the experiment to distract myself a bit. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Anon. The guy wasn't doing anything. He just stared at the remains of the experiment in silence. When the hour finished, everyone else started to leave to go to the next class. Me and the human stayed until the end. When the rest left, we approached Professor Greyfox's desk. "I don't know or care what happened. You're both going to be in detention today. And be thankful I didn't use the cane to break your ribs." Quick, concise, and with a lot of hate. With nothing else to do, we left the classroom in silence. I let out a sigh that lasted for quite a while. I expected that woman to say something like a hundred lashes of punishment or whatever. She seemed like someone capable of reviving the old ways just for me. But hey, now I'll just have to be closed off praying an Our Father or whatever it is Christian schools do these days. I tried to remember what my next class was, but a noise distracted me. That skinnie would have banged his head against the lockers and just stood there like a weirdo. It might not be a good idea, but I wanted to rub salt in the wound. I approached from behind and got his attention. The human turned slowly and unwillingly. I formed the most innocent smile to make it more annoying what I was about to say. "See you later this afternoon, buddy!" The human looked at me with a very tired look. "Kill yourself" After saying that, he turned his back to me and walked away. … The day you bring a gun to school, please let it be the same day I miss, I'd appreciate it. Wait... Shit, I just put myself on his list, didn't I? The rest of the hours passed without any further inconvenience until detention arrived. Professor Greyfox dragged Anon and me into the church and told us to get the whole place cleaned up. I expected a more medieval punishment, but it could be worse. Wait, yes, it could; our phones were taken away from us. If we wanted them back, we had to do this fucking job. The skinnie took one of the brooms and started sweeping, while I took a rag and started cleaning the benches. That place had room for five hundred people or so, and more than two dozen long benches. This would take at least two hours. I want die. By the fourth bench my arms were hurting from scrubbing and the cold water was breaking my hand into pieces. Holy shit, this sucks. Ahhhh. I really want die. "You should wring out the rag more, you leave the wood too wet." A voice I recognized snapped me out of my annoyance to only make me snap into my anger. Principal Blue was standing next to the bench where I was cleaning, looking at me with what I took to be condescension. "What do you want?" I asked him bluntly. "Just came by to see how you guys were doing." He said in a nice way, but I'm not fooled by that old scumbag. He must think I wasn't capable of doing this and came just to show me how to do it right, the scavenger. "I'm doing just fine, sir." I grabbed my bucket and rag and moved to another row of benches to get away from that man. "Tell me, why are you here?" That idiot didn't take the hint. "Don't you know what's going on in your own school? Or are you just a bad principal?" Let's see if my lack of respect makes him angry. "I heard something from Professor Greyfox, but I'd like to hear your side of the story." I wonder why that is? Could it be that he wants to teach me a life lesson? "The guy was an idiot, I let him know that, and he was mad. And now I'm here because of him." "Why did you pick a fight with him?" "Because he deserved it." "Why did you think that?" "Because he's a speciesist like everyone in this school. Maybe he didn't realize that because you must be so high in the clouds with God to see what's going on around you." That comment wiped the smile off his face. My insolence was already having an effect. "Miss Aaron, I ask you to regulate your words." "Or what? Are you going to excommunicate me?" "No. But I want to know the source of this problem so I can solve it." "The problem is that everyone is an idiot but me. And I'm the only one who realizes it." Did that sound egotistical enough? "That's not the right attitude, and I think you know it. If you'd calm down a little, we could have a discussion and come to an agreement." I was getting tired of this guy's condescension. "What do you expect, that I should confess to you? That I repent of my sins and save my poor soul from hell?" "No, I just want to talk." My words were already having an effect on his tone of voice which was beginning to sound deeper. "Well, I don't. So go bother someone who does care." Usually, this is the time when the adult gets fed up with the youngster's impertinence and starts yelling. That used to happen with my teachers when I would end up tiring them out. Even my old principal, who, as patient as he was, reached his limit. This guy should be no different. Better to make him give up right from the start than to give him hope that I can improve. "Remember what I said yesterday? We all carry our crosses. You carry yours, I carry mine and Anon carries his. We all try to carry and overcome that weight, but only if one is willing to carry it all the way to the end of the road. Lying on the ground and stepping on the rest won't do you any good, Miss Aaron. You have to stand up and face your faults." My brain translated what she said to 'stop being useless and bothering everyone else'. I got fed up with that. I'm not interested in strangers lecturing me. I threw my rag down hard and confronted the principal. "What the fuck do you know? Don't come to me with your good Christian bullshit. I try to handle this shit the best I can, and no one help me when I need it. Nobody cared about me, and you don't care about me, you fucking scavenger. Why the fuck should I care about the rest of you and your fucking problems? You want to help me?! Leave me alone!" The principal looked at me seriously while I was breathing heavily. I expected to find anger and rage in his gaze because a girl yelled and insulted him to his face, that he would scream and demand respect and that he would extend my punishment. But I only found the usual; what I found in my father's look when I explained to him why I wanted to transfer, in my former principal's look when I spat in his face, in my brother's look when I pushed him away when he wanted to support me: disappointment and pity. "If you think so, if you don't want to move forward, so be it. I'll stop bothering you. But you can still come to my office to talk whenever you need to. Have a good afternoon, Miss Aaron." After saying that, the principal left. I stood there for a few seconds, staring into nothingness before continuing to clean the benches, desperately trying to hold back the tears that wanted to come out of my eyes. Why? Why the fuck are they disappointed? Why do they feel pity for me? I'm a trash, a bad person, a failure Why are they disappointed as if they expect something better from me? Why do they make me feel guilty? Why do I keep doing the same thing, even though I know it's wrong? Whywhywhywhywhywhy? Why can't I be a better person?! I scrubbed the benches as my insides crumbled between the self-loathing and pity I felt. Hot tears ran down my cheeks and choked moans came out of my mouth. God, why couldn't I have even a little dignity and hold myself like a man. It took me several minutes to calm down again and return to my usual cynical state, now with some grumpiness. I wished death to many I knew while I was still scrubbing. Like it was a mantra or something to focus my mind on something else. How I wish I could have my phone and be able to make an internet stranger feel worse than me. Why does everything cost so much? Why does everyone bother me? Why does everything hurt? Why can't I get better? After a few hours, we finished cleaning the church. The teacher came to check and gave us the stamp of approval to leave. Already outside the place, I started checking my phone for anything to vent about, already mentally putting together some threats and hurtful insults for the first minority that came my way. “Ey” I turned to look at Anon, who had a conflicted look on his face. "What?" "Are you okay?" he asks after a second's hesitation. "Yes, thank you," I replied mechanically, as if that skinnie fucker really cared. That spear-thrower started to go to the shitty cave where surely lived. Fucking speciesist piece of shit, I hope you get hit by a car and die like the shit you are. If you don't want to move forward, so be it … “Anon!” "Yes?" he asks, confused by my call. "I... uh... Sorry about earlier." It took him a few moments to analyze whether what I'd said was sarcastic or not. "It's okay, it doesn't matter. It was dumb and... thanks. See you later, Fang." "Bye." Anon turned to leave, took a few steps and stopped. "Is 'Scavenger' an insult to you people?" "Ah... To carnivores, yes. It's like saying 'shit-eater' or similar." "Interesting. Thanks." I stood in front of that church until I lost sight of that human. I reflected on the words I had said. Is that what they call 'taking the first step'?