Summary: “Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito quam tua te fortuna sinet" - Virgil, not the one with the katana.

 Longing, ache, ambition, aspiration, coveting, craving, desire, hankering, hope, hungering, itch, thirst, urge, wish, yearning, yen.

I sit in the therapist's office in a solo session, yet there are other chairs. I listen to the therapist define the word again and again until I get bored and exit the room.

My body feels heavy, and I move on autopilot. I open the door and see nothing, a void of darkness. Are the lights off, or what? I walk outside only to find something on the floor, a red liquid splattered on a trail, beckoning me to follow.

As I walk, the voice reminding me of my failures starts humming a familiar tone nonstop.

"♫Control over my life you denied, and now death approaches from the sky. Why'd it be me you had to vilify? Goodbye Volcano High.♫"

The smell, the metallic stench of wet ozone, overwhelms me…blood, a scent I know all too well. My body moves independently now, but I don’t want to. The trail is the only guide I have, and I follow it. An eternity passes as sounds come and go- screams, sobs, gunshots. Jesus, Raptor, please. I don’t want to continue, but can’t stop moving through the twisting corridors.

Please, no, not this again, but I can’t stop myself. 

Slowly, the darkness starts to be replaced by twisted versions of the school lockers and then the bloodstained floor. I keep moving through the endless screams, cries, and gunshots until I see the light, a door that blinds me when I open my eyes. I find myself on the school's rooftop, with darkened red skies and two figures.

*Bang!**Bang!*

I fall to my knees as I crumple in agony. It is happening again as I hear voices, “You left me to die, Anon.”

One of the figures comes close; it is Fang, just as I remember from that fateful day, with blood splatters and torn wings full of bald spots, but this time, with a dead stare instead of the ones full of hatred from the last months.

“Still thinking about me, eh? A dead girl”.

“Fang, please,” I plead. “I didn’t mean to hurt you or anybody. "

“No one ever does.”

I can’t take it anymore. I just give up. “Just do it, Fang. I couldn’t save you. I couldn’t save anyone. It is my fault. "

The apparition smirks. “It takes a strong man to deny what’s before you. It's a good thing you aren't a strong little monkey. "

The second figure that comes closer is yesterday’s girl from the rooftop. Her figure is too similar to Fang’s to be a coincidence.

“I know the truth is hard to hear, Anon,” she says in the same voice as Fang as she leans toward me. “But it's time. You are the only one left, and we can’t live like this forever.” Both raise a gun at me.

 “We are going to count to 5, then we pull the trigger,” they say in a disturbing pitched tone in unison.

“This is really what you want?”

“1”

“I am so sorry.”

“2…3”

“Even now, after everything, you can still go home.”

“4”

“Lucky you,” they say in a mocking tone.

“Bang!”

“This is really what you want?” I heard once again.

 

 

Awake “sigh” once again, huh? I jerk my eyes, groaning. My face hurts like hell. It was the second time something bad happened on that rooftop, not helped by this new nightmare. At least the second person on it was. 

My mind wandered to my new encounter with what was left of Fang as I was forced to relieve that day on repeat, watching everyone around me die more horribly than the last. Other times, the ghosts haunt me daily, extending their torment to my dreams, too, forcing me to suffer their wrath again and again.

 I thought about that twisted image of the persona she used on everyone to hide her true self. Why couldn't I do better for her? Was I scared? I was probably just a stupid NEET unable to face the reality of growing up. Would she abandon me if she saw me for what I was? Of course, but before I could keep wallowing in my thoughts, memories from yesterday came as a flood and then realization.

 The place I was sleeping wasn’t my crap mattress on a box. I am on a comfortable couch. Looking around frantically, I see a familiar living room, animal heads mounted as trophies on the wall, and I froze in place, chills down my spine…I have to get out. Why am I here? Of all places, why? if Fang's dad is here, I'm 200% scratch that 1000%  sure that taking care of me is the last thing he would do, shit shit shit shit, gotta get out now…NOW! Tried moving, but I was still dizzy. I put a hand on my face, trying to control my spinning head, and I now feel the gauze on my cheek. That was a big punch, after all.

Who bandaged my face in any case? Wait, that means I’m not alone.

“You are awake good, time  for examination.”

What? Is that man from the cemetery? Now I can see him up close is like some weird ass I don't know, maybe a doctor? Or businessman after a bad day? A purplish dress shirt with a tie, suspenders, messy hair, and a stare that screams days without sleeping, reminding me of the first months after the tragedy. He takes my head and starts asking questions while moving it and examining me. Who is he, and what is he doing here? After an eternity of awkward interrogation, he let go of my head and motioned toward the kitchen.

“Samantha, he is awake and fine.”

I swallow saliva, Fang and Naser’s mom, but never mind. Who is that other person?! A family friend, maybe, but a human? And, more importantly, why am I still alive? I brace for the end, not that I don’t deserve it, but my brain instincts still want to protect my flesh suit.

The door opens, and I see the small pterodactyl with a tray full of plates of assorted breakfast. Strangely, Miss Aaron doesn’t seem different from the last I saw her on prom night. She is wearing a conspicuous cloth armband on her right wrist, though, and before I can think of anything, she lays the plate on the table before turning to me.

“Good morning, I…”

Without a thought, I try leaving the couch, tripping on the blanket covering me and falling to the ground. I am left kneeling on the carpet. I can’t look at Fang’s mom. I don’t deserve it.

“I am so sorry, Miss. I never wanted something bad to happen to Fang... I mean Lucy,” I said, trembling as the cold gripped my whole body, paralyzing me. 

The man comes over and helps me back into the couch with Samantha.

“Oh dear…” she replies in a sad but reassuring tone. Why is she being nice to me? “I know you never mean harm to my little Lucy. " Her reply replaces the fear with pain, sadness, shame, and regret. She continues, taking one of my hands in hers reassuringly.

 “It's a parent's job to catch a daughter´s fall, and we… *sobs* we are the ones who failed her, to think she would give up on life because of us. 

We are such sorry excuses for parents, and our eyes were close to the reality, and yet even after the…” 

She pauses and closes her eyes to take a deep breath before continuing, “That… terrible incident Ripley tried to blame others, like you.” She looks to the other person in the room, who smiles back with a childlike glee only made worse by the shadow cast by his long, messy hair over his eyes. I guess this doctor- I think he might be one- is worse at socializing than myself.

She looked back at me. “I'm glad Jack over here was able to make him see the light. He even refused to listen to Moe, so that’s his name. " “We are so sorry for putting this burden on you.” This situation is going rather smoothly, considering what happened. The burden I felt was replaced by boundless curiosity and uncertainty about many things, like how you make a giant like Ripley listen to you.

More importantly, why is she being nice to me, of all people? The last time we met was at the supermarket. Months ago, she caught sight of me, and I expected her to jump at me in anger, but she didn't. She just looked at me with a sad face for a minute before leaving while I did my best to avoid her gaze. Like that time, I don't see hate on her; it is so eerie. Thinking about it, a part of me wished she had any to see her unload on me, maybe give her some kind of release. Can't even help in that. 

“Ehem,” Samantha got up. “Time is short, right? We should eat,” she says, taking a spot on the other side of the table. A new worry creeps in: what is happening? 

Everyone was oddly calm. My face showed my inner mind as Jack was back on the opposite couch, showing the cutlery he produced from his jacket like they were important before helping himself to some scrambled eggs and bacon and starting to talk. 

“Well, my boy, you deserve this much, at least. I haven’t presented myself. 

As Samantha herself already said, you can call me Jack. I have been a friend of the Aarons for 24 years, five months, and one day from when we first met here at Valcadera to our days in the army where I served as a field medic with old Ripley and our roles inverted when he was the one keeping me alive” he grinned “after that university to study medicine then I spend the years submerged on research, wondering about those who couldn’t be saved.”

He paused to swallow, looking at my growing poker face.

“My bad. Once I start talking, suffice it to say I get into it a bit too much, anyway, boy. " His soft tone suddenly changed. "You don't have to worry about yesterday's attack, by the way. Old Ripley is still sticking to his job even after the mayor wanted him to go into early retirement. So dont worry about finding him here. In any case you might go after finishing breakfast. "

“I see”. I'm not hungry. I have to ask, and I need to know what I saw yesterday.

“Understood; you look ready to go all the way, determined for answers. I like it, I wonder how much can you handle.” I raised my eyebrows. “What?” clearly, he read my expression.

His tone is back to serious. “You wouldn't be able to understand most of the details anyhow, so I will try to keep it simple.” he leans back on the couch, crossing his arms. “She wanted to keep you from this. A lot has happened in the months after the volcano-high disaster ”.

Samantha’s look is sad and pensive. Whatever I saw yesterday was a secret; she wanted me out of whatever situation was happening. Wait, but was it her? Then it hit me that the pterodactyl girl from yesterday's words came to mind as hundreds of possible ideas about her identity might.

*I am sorry…I…I. *sob* wanted to see you once more*.

There is no way anything but that Fang died in front of me, the terrible image of the day when god fate, or whatever, mocked my pathetic attempt to save her from the path I put her on.

“Is that angel of death copycat thing right?” I asked nervously. Mister Jack's reply was to deny it and to hold a hand for me to let him talk.

“My last employer gathered the research of many eager minds like me, some who couldn't leave the past and others who wanted to break new grounds to start his project…. A tool that would put his company in the spotlight, basically to playing God''.

Wait, what don’t you tell me…Forget breakfast. What did that man just say? But the realization hit me when I saw Samantha returning from the stairs. didn’t notice her going up, someone was coming with her, yesterday girl…I couldn’t be… not I cannot be.

“He called it … Project Lazarus'' he amended. One does not need to be religious to understand the meaning of his words.

She hid on the stair support beam before taking a deep sigh, looking at Samantha’s kind, reassuring look while holding her hands and nodding. She took her cap off, leaving her red strands of hair free while sobbing, and then she put her hands on her eyes, taking something….contact lenses. I saw them again. This time wasn’t a dream or an oily shadow of vengeance. These were the same amber eyes I fell in love. There wasn’t a mistake. I fell from the couch again, this time in disbelief as she started to talk in soggy hiccups.

My mind goes from 1 to 100% in an instant.

Can it possibly be her?.. It cannot be. I see her fall…

“I…. I’m ...hic…. So sorry...it’s me ...hic, it’s me Fa...” Before she could end it, I was up again, moved by an unknown force I didn’t know I had, all the leftover pain from yesterday gone. I wanted to be sure this couldn't be an elaborate joke or a dream.

Jesus’ raptor, after months of mental anguish and torture, I will gladly take any peace I can before awakening to the grim reality once again. I tentatively got closer until I couldn’t help but hug her; I didn’t care if I was dreaming. I felt her arms and beautiful wings over me. Fang was in my arms again, mumbling incoherently in my ear, Jesus Raptor, thank you; we both collapsed crying to the ground.

Fang is alive…The impossible is happening in front of my eyes.

“ANON I'M SO SORRY I…I  FUCKED UP EVERYTHING”

“NO, I RUINED EVERYTHING YOU NEEDED HELP AND I DECIDED TO PLAY STUPIDS VIDEO GAMES,” I argued.

Why did I say nothing matters? A rush of feelings, I thought, buried awake once again. Is it her? The blue, pale angel I failed so miserably to protect is in my arms.

“I’m a monster anon ...sniff a satanic whore. Rosa was right about me.” She squeezed me, burying her snout in my chest, not daring to look at me. Neither could I look at her, but her warmth was comforting.

“NO …no Fang, Trish was right about me being a stupid caveman all this time…*sniff* I am so sorry  argh why I said nothing matters, everything matters, GOD if only I could have seen it in time, but I couldn't I'm such  a pathetic disgust…sniff …ting brute.. couldn't see shit.”

She looked at me with a pained look. “An…on …sniff I would like not to talk about her for now …hic please.”

I took a deep breath while quick blurry memories traveled through my mind after what she did, and in the end, Fang wanted me to apologize to her if only I had helped back her then  “ok still if only I weren’t a selfish fuck, I, I’m just I’m…so sorry”. I paused to catch my breath. Time was not important anymore. Fang, she is with me! Dream or not.

 A voice tried to interrupt. “Ehem” was the doctor. “We should continue on the table. I understand this is an immeasurable bomb to take in at the moment, but this is much to discuss, and since we have you here, clearly I don’t have to ask you for cooperation, that’s good,” his face was serious while still hunched eyes obscured by his hair, I admit his look was creeping me out but seemed to be trustworthy.

We sat back on the couch, Just what I needed. I just couldn’t give credence to the miracle beside me. I couldn’t eat; I was too busy hyperventilating, and neither did Fang. We wiped our red eyes. Fang avoided looking at me but occasionally made quick, guilt-filled looks at my leg. The one she injured that horrible day fortunately healed while Jack continued his explanation.

“Where was I? Oh yes, It began six months ago during my last hospital job a few states away during a normal day, but I got a call from an executive wanting to hire me for a groundbreaking project, my dream job.

The idea of working for a company of such renown made me ecstatic that my life work was rewarded. After years of research alone, I admit I did not care about the moral objections that would inevitably arise. My only focus was to give back the life I owed, to reverse a tragedy. As the CEO said, he was looking for prestige certainly, but if it gives civilization a miraculous technology, not that mattered, and what better to undo than a tragedy of the magnitude of a school shooting”.

My eyes widened; how did they?

Anticipating my reaction, the doctor continued, “his agents scouted schools around the country in search of teens with issues that would make them …susceptible.” This mad, doctor-looking human hunched his head and closed his eyes momentarily. I was preparing myself for what he would say next.

“A folder of potential targets was made, having the shot...” he stopped after looking at Fang. The catalyst of the incident, being a relative of one of the victims, was a plus. That way, it would save the company the cost of having a text subject”.

Test? That was what Fang was reduced to? A guinea pig for a giant laboratory? Not just her but everyone else caught in that hell. That wasn’t all so that we can resurrect the dead now???? I shook from the storm of emotions I had to focus on.

“Subject for what…?” I asked in a soft tone that couldn’t be different from my habitual mumbling.

“As I mentioned earlier, the project goal was to reverse the tragedy, which means treat the victims of it using the theorems made a reality by many researchers, for example,” Jack took a roll of paper from a plastic tube and unrolled it for me to see, a complicated electric component on a diagram of a brain.

“My life work, the NBC…the neuro bridge chip, his original purpose was to preserve the unique neuronal connections of the brain before those being lost to what we usually call brain death, with that keeping a body until any damage incompatible with life could be fixed”.

He stopped his cheerful explanation after realizing how awkward the mood had become.

I interjected, “So that means Naser and the others.” Fang recoiled in shame, grabbing her arms at the mention of her brother.

“Indeed, he was one of the easiest, after stabilizing the patient the implantation of the NBC helped stimulate the brain back but is a long process still since we are talking about a recently deceased patient.”

“Recently?” something wasn’t adding up. “I was at the funeral.”

“Did you see her or any of the bodies?” Jack interrupted, “It took three weeks from the incident for the families to be allowed to take their children. 

In those three weeks, It was easy for a big company with their resources to use any means necessary to procure them, for example, bribing police…just under Ripley’s snout to procure the three weeks needed with excuses to create competent body doubles some of the staff treating you were hired in the grim chance you didn’t survive.”

I swallowed saliva; I was being spied on. Any of the doctors could have been. If I was about to be shipped for some experiment if I had died on the rooftop, I reckon I would have been easily shipped as dead meat, thanks to my loving parent's lack of giving a damn about their only child.

“As for the others,” he continued, interrupting my train of thought, “one of the girls was the hardest. I’m surprised it worked so well.”

 I don’t like where this is going. 

“Frontal lobe trauma, interestingly, was easy to predict the neuronal connections using the patterns of…”

“CAN WE PLEASE CONTINUE BREAKFAST?” Fang yelled, and after some awkward silence, she retorted, “Thanks,” scratching her head with reddish cheeks. That was enough for Fang's appetite to return. 

As she scratched the back of her head, I couldn't help but look back. I managed to get a glimpse of a scar before returning to my plate. I also noted silver on her hair roots; now, I was sure she dyed her hair. I’m not going to lie; she rocked the color nicely. My eyes were wetting again, tissue…anything. Someone handed me a handkerchief. Oh crap, for a moment, I forgot Fang was beside me. I still can't believe what just happened this morning. Surely, I am in a dream that was too good to be true.

“I am sorry,” huh? Her voice brought me back to reality. “Anon, I’m so sorry. I just gave up on life,. I wanted to have control of my life, and I threw away everything I had and hurt so many people. Even if everyone gets back to life, the damage is done already. I am a monster. I'm not that stupid to think I won't be jailed, at least.” her voice is weak as she cries out with sobs mixed with hiccups as she continues talking, avoiding my gaze.

Come Anon, man up. I don't care if what this weirdo did is considered blasphemy. People dying in senior year is the only crime. Being mature with Fang is the least she deserves and shouldn't be harder, right?

“No, Fang, I’m sorry. I should have seen how much you were hurting and how low you had fallen; you struggled so hard to make your dream work and then it collapsed. The signs were all there in how you were acting toward me…and I fucking ignored them all like a selfish dumbass. I could have done so much more for you…and you wouldn’t have done this to yourself….”

Jack finished, then got up like a spring load doll. “Ok, that was a plentiful breakfast. You have my thanks, Samantha. Are you kids ready?”.

“Ready for what?” I asked. Now I realize whatever happens now, I’m along for the ride.

“Your sudden arrival, planning to make some small changes to our schedule”  Jack replied.

“And what is the plan?” I ask. I lean forward on the couch, indulging my curiosity.

“I don’t know, my plans kind of stopped coming after breaking Rip's kids out and bringing them home was accomplished,” he replied with a childlike glee. What’s wrong with that guy? 

What does he mean by breaking out? That part doesn't add up: “Hold the phone, breaking out?”

“Oh yeah, about that,” he scratches his head before explaining, “Lucy's situation is complicated. While I openly admit to the part I played in Project Lazarus, I hoped others would see it as doctors should. Still, alas, the cold treatment by the staff towards Lucy after our initial success was unacceptable. So I decided to voice my concerns with the project supervisor, who told me not to worry that the test subject was unnecessary after our break”.   

I cock an eyebrow and tilt my head for a moment. Then it hits me: “What were they planning to do to Fang?” I ask him worried.

“Let just say, as a school shooter, who would miss her?”.

While true for most, I couldn't help but emotionally crumble at those words as the image of Ripley staying hours after the funerary service and having long visits each week while I hid, waiting for my undeserved turn.

He opened his mouth, but Fang's painful expression made him hesitate.

“I couldn't stand it. Let us leave it at that. In the end, morality never left me, so, of course, I was fired. I feared attempts against my health would be made. Fortunately, I was too important. I think I might be for the time being. 

Suffice it to say the kids are out. Naser wanted to stay hoping, arguing that would be enough to secure Lucy’s well-being as long as Lucy remained hidden. Of course, Ripley was against it, and my former boss rejected the idea anyway, so Rip and I broke them out, and needless to say, Mister Boss wasn't very happy”.

He laughs as I glare at him before I can say anything else. Fang interjects while nervously playing with her fingers.

“Can’t stay all day at home. Their agents are still looking for me, and their hired goons almost got me yesterday. I won’t let them get close to Mom. Though a part of me wishes I could just let them. I deserve it if not being on a grave, at least should be in a lab”. She sobbed with a hand on her face. I noticed her wings moving on her own. She was fighting the urge to preen. Just that time on the school rooftop, when I should have listened, I saw her black feathers on the tip, wondering if I could ask later. But it's not important right now.

“So you two have been laying low,” I ask softly. Fang's reply was a silent nod.

There is one more thing I need to know. “Fang you wanted to to see us no?.”

She slowly turned to me, and her only response was to snuggle up to me. Oh my god, such a small gesture can have so much meaning. She still loves me, and so do I, even if I don't deserve her because of me that she did what she did. 

My memory got back to the rooftop. What was that guy anyway? Fang put herself in danger to see her friends again. I’m glad Ripley's intimidation act wasn’t just talk. I will until he wants me out of the way, at least.

Immediately, I realized I mumbled those judging by everyone’s looks at me. Fang grabbed her knees, turning herself into a winged ball. Samantha, who stayed in the room, looked at me with a caring look while Jack, already at the door, looked back at me.

“Worry not, boy, I made sure old Rip starts taking responsibility. You will be safe with him, but still.”

I gave him a questioning look. “Mmm?”  

“You will need to learn to defend yourself.”

Fang stood from the couch. “Is necessary? he has already endured a lot from us ... from me…I don't want him to be hurt again,” she deflated again, returning to the couch with a defeated sigh.

“Kid, I know this has been a lot to take in on such a short time,” Jack glares back at me, “but I saw enough for you to know you won’t take a no for an answer, Lucy I think it would be cruel to keep him away,” his gaze goes to Fang “he will be fine, I promise, he is already hurt, the best course of action I believe is for you to help him to make up for hurting him don't you think?”

He is right. I’m not missing out, Fang. While I didn’t get the technical jargon, the fact is that I’m in the presence of a miracle; a mad scientist plots more like it, but still, she is real. I was allowed by fate… fate, yes, her gravestone mark appears in mind: “Heaven restores you in the light.” in the end, it was living people who did it. 

Who cares? I'm allowed to hold her again, and I’m not leaving her, never again. I am sorry I said nothing matters. She matters. All that matters is her.

I pause momentarily. Someone is talking to me? “but do you matter yourself?” not now, not here.

Wait, did I mumble? The double hug was on me again, this time from behind. She softly hugged my waist and shoulders with her wings. 

“Anon, please, are you sure?”.

I felt relief coursing through me. It was just my conscience.

“Sorry, sweet tooth. I'm not abandoning you again,” I replied while turning around to look at Fang. I put my hand on her beak before hugging her again. “We all failed, Fang, we all did, but you are hurting and still do. You had reached your lowest point, feeling you had no control over your life…nothing left to hope for. I saw how much pain you were in at prom; the look in your eyes back at my apartment…that was the look of someone with no hope, and I fucking made it worse by yelling at you when you lost control.”  

Never thought I could have the chance to say something like this. Still, it was the truth. I was unsure if I sounded like a mature adult instead of the dumb, naive loser I am. Still, I have to be there for her.

“But you weren’t wrong…something is wrong with me. I need fixing, considering I kill…. ” Fang stops herself mid-sentence to take a deep breath. “...led”.

Sigh; now I didn't have an answer besides just caressing her hair. 

But still, no matter what happened, there would be time for that. Right now, Fang's conscience is burdened by her crimes. There is no way around it, and I don’t know if Ripley is hiding her from the law or something else; I want to know, but Jack is pressuring us and doesn’t know why yet. There is no choice but to follow while clearly in a rush.

 He seems open to talking. I have to follow and trust, yes trust like at the concert at Moe’s, why I didn’t trust Reed… I clenched my fist. I need to relax. Letting emotion overcome me won't do me good.

I didn’t realize I was outside getting into the doctor’s car. My brain is on auto mode today, and I must call the supermarket to tell them I can’t attend today's work. My dead girlfriend needs help getting back into the world of the living. That's something you don't say often. I saw Samantha taking Fang’s hands and giving her an approbative nod before going to the car. She was wearing the whole disguise again. It works if people don’t expect you to rise from the grave.

I'm not going to lie; just as we saw again in that store, people will notice her undeniable looks, which worries me.  

She sat beside me, looking at the ground. I gulped. I just hope this doctor knows therapists.

After a few minutes of driving, I asked, “Where are we going?”. Jack turned to me and grinned.

“Shopping!”.

I glared at him again. I guess that’s mad doctors for you.

[NOTES]
-This took long enough, and my lack of skills shows that, fortunately, I had a lot of help from the snoot club. I'm thankful for the support of this endeavor.
-I wanted to sound intelligent; easier said than done, haha.
Once I recover fully, I want to make small B&W images for each chapter so I can feel like an artist XD I made one for the end regardless to get the creative energy free at last. I wish AO3 allowed me to center images
-Funny, I don't know what else to write besides, I didn't expect the positive reception I got,. I hope I can improve enough to the point of creating something great