Do you think nothing matters? I used to think so. Another day, another painful memory as I browse the internet for anything to keep myself awake, Message boards, crafting forums, even a video game one where morons leak military documents to win arguments. Bah, nothing but pointless trash,I move my hand by instinct searching for a cereal box then i realize has been months since i tore the cardboard box that once was Raymba’s enclosure, i couldn't stand looking at him yet i could not get rid of the poor thing, the memories were painful and yet it feel wrong to dispose of him, he did nothing wrong, that was me; everything was my fault so i stored him instead. I once read on a grief support site and heard from therapists what could be what I feel: longing, grief, regret…”desiderium”, guess that was the same in another language, of course the quack doctor trying to impress people. I look at the time “ December 3 ,201M2020 3PM”, crap how long i was up?The blinders on the window did an ok job hiding the light, not that there is much in winter, time to turn off the computer. In the darkness there is still me, the same immature loser who came a year ago from a state on the other side of the country. Why i'm still here?, hell on earth, fitting punishment for someone like me, ironic i got what i always wanted to be left alone, it cost the lives of Fang, Naser and those others i never knew their names until i look up in the news,as i move the hand to turn off the monitor i don't see my reflection but familiar shadow with amber lights. Fang…no no. I try to get up in shock only to fall backwards chair and all toward trash bags, hello floor my only remaining friend left, who else is there? Besides hazy memories of journalists at the hospital and on therapy sessions almost escalating into violence everything else is ghosts, haunting memories of my failure. I sneer at the sudden thought of my parents, who did not visit me after the shooting. They probably hoped i died, though so do i part of me keeps on living just to spite them at least i imagine me being alive and recovered from my broken shin does it. I raise from the floor awkwardly, i almost forgot i this free day wasn't for lazing around, i'm glad my supervisor at Dilo mart was kind to pity me from time to time, first by hiring me and second by giving me days off to visit the cemetery, i look at the guitar shaped package on the corner, bought it with my first salary to play at her grave and yet besides some practice here and there i hadn't the courage to bring it there. Before my shadowy accusers of the last months materialize again i prepare to go, winter jacket, scarf… i knew i should have gotten a beanie at least but there is always another day no? ….. 15 minutes later my walk towards Volcaldera cemetery. It doesn’t get any easier, though recovering from a broken shin would make the physical part better. There is no muscle strength capable of carrying the weight of one’s sins, but I shoulder on, the chill wind beating against my head. Winter has come, and this year has been relentless, nearly every day a shade of gray with most of the trees withering away into the wind. It has been 6 months since the tragedy at Volcano High, the handiwork of my shitty choices. People have seemed mostly moved on but the scar that it left on the town might never go away. Gazing at the memorial while passing the high school says as much I fight the urge to stay a while to pay respects, and of course there isn’t one for Fang. Why would anyone want to remember her? Besides me… her parents. And of course edgy teens, like I was. Makes me think of the first day at school, that concert where she was mocked to no end. And how in prom everything came full circle the same miserable way. In moments like those I feel like I was the one putting the gun in her hands. Speaking of, I saw graffiti on the mural: a crude pterodactyl cranium with wings and the words “Angel of Death” scribbled under,disgusting. Dammit they had the gall to graffiti some of the memorials. Naser’s and….Naomi´s, isn’t this what I wanted? To give back to that scheming pink thing? Not like this. I could feel their presence behind me, their ghostly, oily shadows mocking me, judging me with their presence, being the only company I have besides my guilt. Forgotten and abandoned by those around me, a fitting punishment for a loser like me who treated people around me like trash, even the only one who bothered to love me. The last words I said to her came to mind. “It’s not over…stay with me here please…. don’t leave me alone.” Why now…I forcefully shut my eyes feeling the tears about to come out when I hear it. “OH…the sad monkey thinking that crying will fix his mistakes, good thing that you’ll never forget! You should never FORGET!!” The shadow of Naomi materializes above her memorial. I can recognize the look she gave me before prom, before the end. “You aren’t here….” I mumble “You critique your own work ape, behold the results for as long as you might get to live….” She replies. I shake my head when I realize there are students standing on my old enemy, the stairs, to this year freshman, it is like nothing happened at all. Is a good thing they won’t have the baggage sophomores and higher will, the ones that my decisions alone caused with that knowledge I fear I would be recognized. Fortunately I was ignored, just as I wanted before meeting Fang and how I will remain. My train of thought is interrupted suddenly by a tall figure talking to whom I assume is Miss Roberts, now principal Roberts. I'm so sorry Spears, you had so high hopes for a moron like me, he and many other teachers resigned after the tragedy. The figure is…Ripley, Fang´s father, dressed in his police uniform with a distinct police vest, normally they suck against blades not a problem for dinosaurs, I’m sure his large frame only needs the bullet one but I digress. His look is tired and certainly doesn’t look as bad as he did during the last months, strangely his visits to the cemetery have been less frequent, before I can conjure any reasons about his absence he starts walking down I instantly resume my walk close to a sprint as my cowardly survival instincts take over and i even think about hiding under a bush but it might make a scene, fortunately one of the walls outside of the school makes a good hiding spot. he is the last person I want to see I just can’t though he is on his right to punish me as he sees fit fortunately he doesn't seems to notice me as he is takes out his phone, perhaps he is talking to Samantha , I wonder how the poor woman i dealing with all of this i huff in relief and resume my fast paced walk. The last thing that catches my eyes is a glimpse of a tall strange man with a long coat looking at the school, another human odd there are more of my kind on Volcaldera but never cared why start now? oh yeah, the massacre I caused, still couldn't help notice the out of place human and the unnerving aura he gave off, i hope i'm just overthinking stuff. After more minutes of walking I thought maybe I should get a snack so I made a small detour. Outside the store I saw a girl buying from a vending machine. I know pterodactyls aren’t rare but I am startled by her familiar scale colors, I can’t help but allow my monkey brain to gaze at her red hair. Strangely, the feathers on the tip of her wings are black i wonder if that is a natural occurrence or a fashion thing. She wears a baseball hat the hole behind perfect for her crest, a baggy shirt with a gray hoodie with blue stripes on each arms with white shapes i can't identify, square band aids on her cheeks and black pants with images of bones where the leg ones goes and white fall boots , the pants are a bit morbid for my taste well the taste of a shell shocked schizoid I’m sure older me would be ogling her more, like a normal hormonal teen I think, sigh, I’m sure fang would have love those. “Mmmm?” The girl looks at me with blue eyes a bit startled, damn my mumbling. “Sorry?” I try to act like nothing happened, fortunately another person brings attention to her, a human child hands to hands with his mother points at her and says “look mommy it’s the crazy woman from the news” “Jimmy, that’s rude…. I'm so sorry dear”, “Is nothing Miss, I get that a lot lately. I'm glad the police caught that mental patient though”. That’s right I don’t watch the news but the 4dinos board mentioned an asylum fugitive claiming to be fang, that’s where the whole angel of death bullshit began, just what I needed, a copycat nothing happened fortunately, I sprinted with haste until finally reaching my destination…but I could swear that pterodactyl girl was faking her voice…. Calm down yourself Anon you are watching ghosts of guilt anyway, and speaking of looking at my side there was one…. Fang herself with a mocking grin blood shot dead eyes talking to me “don’t you fucking dare” Certainly me looking at that blue pterodactyl girl caused an instinctual neuron activation, wish I could just deactivate all of those part of the brain being like a zombie or something, unable to feel, unable to hurt others again would be easier to live like i always wanted like that. I steady myself looking at the gates. Volcaldera hills rest, come on Anon you can do it is not the first nor the last time you will come, least I can do no matter how soothing the name is it doesn’t make it easy; after all this is a place for eternal goodbyes for most people, as for me because a constant reminder that regrets won’t fade. I gently push open the aged iron gates. They creak behind me as I push forward, turning towards the hill I gaze upon the withered oak overlooking the graveyard, the same I used to hide myself during the funeral. As I reach her grave the pain intensifies not the pedestrian physical one, the pain of the guilt the weight of your sins crushing you under, suddenly I freeze and I take solace on the oak once again, there are people already at Fang´s and Naser´s resting place, Trish & Reed. This was the last thing I needed, I couldn't face them; last time Reed was a bro and gave me a needed hug but Trish was ready to gore me right here. She was only stopped by Reed asking her if it was ok to sully Fang’s memory, I doubt that will work again so I sit on the oak mumbling to myself and what I see?, is the pterodactyl girl of before she made a stop before coming here it seems, she is standing in front of an aged gravestone. I look back to Fang’s grave, Trish still there wetting her peach turtleneck with tears and I can hear angry curses from time to time while Reed kneels beside her with an arm around her and a guitar shaped “we miss you” sign. Hours pass, Reed and Trish still sit beside the gravestone talking as if Fang was there listening like in the good old days in the auditorium, before I ruined everything. My eyes wander. I see a man in a baggy suit with a tall neck flicking a lighter, with messy hair, pale skin and bags under his eyes. His gaze travels to the gravestones then looking to…the pterodactyl girl on the back row? she seemed to acknowledge him with a quick glance, I could swear her eyes glanced at me before she walked away. I had a tingling, should I go something amiss, no don’t be stupid you and your stupid conspiracy theories from 4dinos now that I mention it I remember reading something about a big ass company, what was their name?. ExoGen, they do a lot of medical stuff, sometimes borderline unethical but they get results, the 4dino anons were discussing how they will make “nanomachines son” real or some shit. DAMMIT ANON FOCUS, still thinking about online forums? have I learned nothing? Was everyone’s death in vain? I look around. It’s almost night time, I got lost on my train of thought, I felt too ashamed to try to visit Fang. I passed my hand over my face wiping the mist on my eyes and started walking back home i´m glad I didn't bring anything that could get stolen. Home sweet Skin Row dumpster of a home, glad I can walk again being on crutches and then on a brace was bad enough without having junkies wanting to shank me. There it was after a while of walking I had to go past the school again, I could call the taxi but with minimum wage, i won't hurt to walk so i can try to save up a bit, I recall how nicely my parents basically threw me away, didn’t visit their son in the hospital after he gets shot wasn’t enough, my emotions are flared already. The flurry of emotions only worsens once I had to pass in front of volcano high once again. I'm close to those stairs…those stairs, the mist is coming to my eyes as I feel the ghosts approaching but then I see that pterodactyl girl with the hat again. Why is she up there? I can see her whispering to her phone?, school still open but at this time mostly for administrative business. She hesitates looking at the door before entering, failed to notice earlier that weird tall bald man from earlier (still hair on the sides, well now I realize whole baldness isn’t that bad after all) slowly going inside, I noticed her glaring at him in anger before, is he some creepy stalker? Should I do something…or not I remember what happened last time. “coward”. Not now. “Time to move to the next prey, eh?” Please. “In truth you never cared you disgusting otaku asshole” No no no… “Good thing that girl doesn’t seem like an easy lay, eh?” And oily shadow behind me I can notice the blur of wings and the set of amber eyes, just like on not only my dreams but my waking moments, strange the hatred from the past a half as year is gone but I didn’t want to look it, my cowardly-self took the chance to run, towards the stairs instead of running away while I took my phone. “Hello? This is Volcaldera police station” “Yes? a creepy man is stalking a girl on the entrance of volcano high”, I yell “We already sent officers to the area, please remain calm and away from the suspect”. “Ok, thanks, I will call again if I see anything happens”. I said while ending the call, I was already at the entrance. Where should I go now? What I was hoping to achieve? some sort of good guy moment? “You are here to be something you aren’t.” Fang’s ghastly mocking voice was right, I stopped, head down in shame…. mmm? Why am I running again? everything was closed, perhaps she went for help to any teacher available; I stopped again. The hall, that hall the smell…. the bodies I am back to that day, my body quivers, I fall to my knees, please no, I get up again, and run again to the only place I can think of, the door is open could it be? And there it was, in the dark of the night I could see her stretched wings just like that day, the jump fence long fixed, now that I noticed her frame was eerily similar to Fang’s, the pterodactyl had her back to me, she slowly turned to face me. The gut punch was immense, it was just like that day, the cold gray skies, I froze in place as I gaze at her wings loosely spread. I couldn't see her face in the dark but I noticed her hands on the fence and head slumped, she took a deep breath and turned around to see me, then it hit me, that figure was unmistakable. “I once died here, yes the very spot i once departed this world *sob*” What? It couldn’t be…she is gone. “I am sorry…I…I. ¨sob¨ wanted to see you once more”. Before I can say something, my world comes to a halt, the violent weight of a giant hand knocks me to the side, dammit is that creepy man, I hit the ground and my whole-body rings, I can’t move, so this is it huh? Then a scream comes and a giant figure jumps behind the man and knocks him down breaking a police tonfa on his head…. Those wings that broken crest, only a person can be this terrifyingly strong, Ripley. The man is barely fazed and quickly turns to grab Ripley's neck, he replies with a punch to the face, after reeling from that incredible pterodactyl punch the stranger reaches to his coat but before he can, the sound of thunder. “BANG” What? That shot should have killed that man, let alone a human but a damn head shot wasn’t enough, his head was bleeding,but he managed to get up to charge again to Ripley Suddenly the pterodactyl girl jumped on the human’s back trying to slash his face. “LUCY NO!” Wait…Lucy? That was Fang’s real, actual name i can't be, the shock lasted a few moments and the world stopped spinning the sounds of the fight slowly went away and then everything faded to black. [NOTES] First of all thanks to everyone on Snoot club for their feedback and help specially To Starman super, Gio and spoopygirl This is my first fanfiction work ever so forgive me for any ankwardness on the plot and writing on general. Never thought i would write one it take a special product as the game of the snoots to move someone like me who saw them as cringe for years, now i can see the real skill and creativy that can be buried as gold to be found. I wanted to sound intelligent so i quoted smart or cool phrases (or scenes references )of games like soul reaver or animes like Shin getter robo last day of earth (also known as armageddon) anon characterization is similar to Umbruhh's bad apple: Stay Silent-Tails, leave Fang alone.-Joking around is a good way to move past mistakes Interrupt-Excuse yourself Fix the cables-Play the Guitar.-Ignore Trish-Go Home Early.