Twilight. Fucking Twilight? That's your frame of reference Anon? Fucking hell. Yeah that's still on my mind almost a week later. That just invited Stella to talk about the, in her words, GOOD monster romance media she likes. I had no idea she felt this way about monsters. From big hulking furry ones to vampires, and of course the more… slime infested ones too. "Ya know, I'd love a half-snake hunk as a roommate, but I'd accept you too." Stella said in a sly manner. We were hanging out at her place once again, this time just to hang out. I just smile at the monster-fucker steggo and continue my suffering in silence. Yep. Still too scared to tell either of them. At the time I was in too deep, now I continue to sink. I could have fixed this. I could have just told them. I could have not been a selfish prick, but here I am. Stella showed me pictures of Lucy with blue hair on her phone. That's surely something. That was the excuse to come over. The other day she did her hair, they had fun, everything was cool. They didn't know I had feelings for each of them. Me and my green goblin were hanging out on her futon watching some midcore anime on Snootyroll and ONLY… Holding hands SOMETIMES. I'm a monster, not a horny monster. She seems fine with it, really we haven't tried anything too crazy since we got naked that one time. Maybe there was a hint of embarrassment lingering in her mind, I wasn't sure. Sometimes we kiss. That's the craziest thing we've done in a while. "Oh God Stella, I wouldn't mind moving in, I guess. But would you actually wanna–" "-I mean yeah! Sorta', it'd be cool having a roommate like you. Plus, you've improved so much at keeping your own space clean since I started helping you. I don't see why not!" Stella's cut off was very much abrupt but I'm guessing she had been meaning to say something like this for a while. "Just, give me a month to think about it. The lease will be up soon." Her tail waggled at the notion, and her smile was warm. I couldn't help but wrap my arm around her shoulders again. Her snoot resting on my neck again made me calm down just a bit. Which is a problem, because Lucy could shop up at any point and see us, and it'd be awkward and… "Hey do you want water? I'm a bit parched." I said while I sprung up from my comfort. She looked confused. "I mean, sure?" "Great! I'll be back" I reassured as I slipped away into the kitchen. I needed the space to calm my nerves, but I realized the erratic behavior would probably tip her off. I ran my fingers over my bald-ass head as I tried to think of an overarching solution to this problem, rolling snake eyes. Well, that's not entirely true, as just… telling Stella what happened between me and Fang or whatever. Lucy. Fuckin’... where are the cups again? I'm probably taking far too long to be considered normal. Slapdash I grabbed two coffee cups and started pouring. The sounds of semi loud anime screeching could be heard from a room down and it wasn't helping my concentration. Second cup… … Fuck it, I have to tell her. The green cup is hers, I thought to myself. Stepping back into the living room, the steggo’ was sitting there with a couch pillow squeezed between her arms watching intensely at the stupid sword fight or whatever on the smart T.V. A handed off the goods and got back to our normal platonic snuggle position. … I'll tell her after this shit is over. — We watched the rest of the episode without saying much to each other. Me and Stella's previous conversation had been replaced by whatever shonen shit she wanted to watch. As the end credits played she wrapped her arm closest to me around my shoulder a bit tighter. I think she wanted to kiss during the somber end song, the nerd. Hesitantly I obliged, only really expecting a quick peak, but she had other plans as she pressed the issue, and we ended up playing the dangerous mouth dance again. God Anon you fucking asshole. I locked up for a second but was able to pull away, much to the chagrin of Stella. “Is something wrong?” She shyly asked. Uhh, Aurora borealis? “Yes- I mean… no?” Stella looked sideways at me, the mischievous side of her drained away. I pull away further to the point of getting up from the sofa. She leaned forward trying to console me but I couldn't let her touch sway me. Not right now. “Stella, I'm making a huge lapse in judgment again, and I need to stop myself.” Her fingered curled back into her palm and her face saddened. “Lapse in what?” She squealed. “You're not… Doing anything right now…?” Oh fuck. “That's not… What I was going for- you are not a-” “-mistake? Anon…” “No! Not you, ME!” My voice grew a bit excited in order to show just how I was fucking up, and it wasn't her fault, but I think it's making things worse. “Stella, I need to tell you something.” I composed myself enough to admit it. God damn it, every word I speak just made her look more worried. I motioned that I was going to sit back down, so she took refuge on the other side of the couch. Hands clamped together I took a deep breath. “Stella, you have no idea… Just how much you've helped me since we met. So much so, it would… really fuck me up if I somehow, someway, I hurt you…” Her breaths steadied as she focused up. Her body was stiff as I spoke, but I couldn't read her face. “I'm still recovering from my shit with Fang, ya know? I know it's been a year, a little bit over actually, but I still feel sorta’ sick, In the head. Not that I'm crazy but… fuck.” Lots of wrong words fell out of my mouth, but I'm too far in. “... I mean, Anon I think… I know you pretty well at this point, I think? We're okay, right? I feel okay, better than ever actually. But if you need… space then…” The stammering of her voice hurt. “I don't want space… I just don't know what to do with myself.” Her hands gripped her thighs as we both sat parallel. I slaughtered the atmosphere in one fell swoop. The television kept asking us if we were still watching. The only thing I could think about was how much better VLC player was. God I'm stupid, and selfish. “... I don't think it's fair to you. I feel like I'm leading you on while I have no idea what I want.” The water was rising up, and I could tell from her sniffling. “D-do you still…” she stammered out. “... L-ucy?” “...” The pin dropped as the mood shifted once more. Stella looked at me. I looked at her. Boy I'm stupid. I struggled to say anything as the dam shattered. “Stupid… FUCKING cards.” She yelped as her body laid down on the middle cushion, her arms crossed grabbing her shoulders. The sobbing hit, but the fact she got closer to me was a wave of mixed messages. I got back up and wiped out the tiny sweat beads forming on my forehead. Anon you are REALLY fucking good at this by now. I just kneeled by her as she looked away. A reminder I couldn't get what I wanted. All I want is to feel better. I'll never reach that. I laid my head on my arm resting on the chair and joined my wonderful friend in her crying. Pathetic. I don't deserve her. Yet I've never felt closer. Did I grow? I wasn't sure. “It's hard to let go…” “... I understand.” I could write the book on letting go. We spent the next few minutes being miserable before a mutual understanding washed over both of us. “... I don't know who I love.” “... Fucking, HELL Anon!” She popped her head back up, the string had broken. “Could you have told me that BEFORE we did anything?! This isn't fair to ME!” Her voice has reached a volume I wasn't used to. I just huddled there. “You could have said ‘oh, I can't be with you, I haven't gotten over Fang’ but apparently that's too fucking hard for someone like you!” … “Did you… Do anything with her? I guess I shouldn't care, not like we were doing anything, right?” … “The contradiction, Anon. Was I just a fucking rebound?” “NO!” I screamed. The word made me sick. “Liar! As soon as Lucy came back, she was all you could think about!” “No…” “Oh what the fuck ever, you inconsiderate asshole! And the fucking NERVE of Lucy, never telling me…” “... Everything I did for her… even after telling her how I felt about you…” … “Just fucking leave…” My gut clenched. What this meant for Lucy… Holy fuck, everything hurt. “I'm… not going to justify anything…” I stutter out. “... I just want to say thank you.” Slowly I get back up. Stella had marched herself to the other side of the room while I had my head down. I can't justify myself. I used her. Accidentally, I used her. I looked away. I gathered my phone and put on my jacket. I didn't have the strength she needed. Lacking the control, I shifted out of her apartment and started the long walk home. I didn't want to waste money. I deserve the cold stumble home. Until the currents change I will remain the same. My phone buzzed multiple times during the hour trek back but I didn't have the heart to look at it. I wanted to feel the frigid cold on my skin alone. I knew it was bad anyway. I collapsed for the second time in my bed. Hungry but lacking appetite. I just laid there. My tears on the way home stung in the early winter. Tiny ghosts of my fuck ups. I really did have feelings for Stella. Right place, wrong time. Quite a few messages I noticed, from around 30 minutes ago. [Stella] I'm not going to tell her anything. You should probably be the one [Stella] I freaked out. I'm sorry. Should have handled it better [Stella] Thank you for everything. I hope we can still be friends The lack of emotion I saw in her texts really messed with me. A sharp contrast from earlier, jovial chats from even just hours before. The other messages were from Lucy. A pic of her new hair and a silly meme to go along with it. Something about blue hair and pronouns. And then a JK, followed by how excited she was for everything. [Fang] You two have fun? Sorry I couldn't make it. Reed says hi. Yeah tons of fun. Weakness. I am weak. [Anon] Yeah. Wish you were here. I'm at home btw. Don't know why I added that last part. I'm not lying but like… Why go home, I thought to myself? I don't wanna tell her- *Ding* Fuck my life. [Fang] Well dude don't make me jealous lol. Wish I was with you. When band stuff is done I'm fuckin finishing what we started last time dweeb :V You better be there for your ex. She'll be there for you. Cold. [Anon] Yeah of course. I'm not going anywhere. [Fang] Not when I get my claws into you you won't [NOTES] Happy Sunday! More to come.