Summary: "Can't risk it V. Remember our first convo? Seems I've chosen the quite life after all. No blaze of glory for me."

 I tried to occupy my time but I must be fading in and out. Every blink would make the show jump forward until I could no longer follow what was happening on screen. Whatever energy I had earlier had vanished, leaving me in a semiconscious state of delirium. 

 

My phone was suddenly on the table in front of me, having appeared during one of my extended blinks. Fang must have passed through.

 

A small thump from the kitchen caught my attention. It took a bit of effort, but leaning and bracing myself on the table gave me enough leverage to get a peek.

 

Fang had hopped onto a kitchen chair and I could just see them- her stash something gray on top of the cabinets. 

 

She was hiding my gun… the thought made my stomach turn with a horrible feeling.

 

She’s scared you’re going to kill yourself. She doesn’t trust you.

 

My self doubt was whispering in my ear, but I tried to shake it off. 

 

Of course she doesn’t, hell I don’t. All she knows is that I tried to end it yesterday. 

 

She fucking pities me. I bet she wanted nothing more than to tear into my ass, to grind my nose in the dirt and call me garbage. I’m so pathetic Fang can’t even yell at me…

 

She hopped down and went towards the door. 

 

I noticed one last thing before I turned away to keep from being caught watching.

 

A cigarette chewed to near pieces in her snout. It was one of mine. I could tell that much from the open box now on the table next to my phone. Along with my lighter. But hers wasn’t lit. Even in my poor state I could see the end wasn’t smoldering.

 

‘ You know I’m not supposed to have any…’

 

I had the box in my hand in a second, crushing it with all the force I could muster. I may not fully understand her story, but I’ll be damned if I bring any sort of temptation into her life.

 

Great part about being poor is that I’ve learned how to go without cigs at the very least.

 

Fang entered my vision. They -Fuck me- She seemed to ignore the crumpled cigs on the table and instead pinched hers off and tossed it to join. 

 

“Well? How you feeling?” Her head cocked to the side as she examined me, her eyes flicking to the bandages. “You've been nodding in and out.”

 

“I reckon..” I was doing… better? I think? “I'm feeling better than this morning.” My face hurt, but I think I was getting used to it. Luckily the thumping in my head had calmed down as the day dragged on.

 

“That's good.” Fang plopped into Naser’s recliner, or I guess it's hers. She was picking at her claws, which were tinged red. “I gave it my all but fuck it. Gonna let it sit and soak then try again.”

 

And here comes the fucking feelings of worthlessness again. It was my fault. Mine! And yet im stuck here like a fucking cripple making someone else clean up my mess. 

 

“...Fang.” I don't think I could last much longer at this rate.

 

“Hmm?” 

 

“Why are you being nice to me?” 

 

“I wouldn't call it being nice, more like polite.” She ran a claw through her hair, looking away from me. 

 

“Why aren't you screaming at me? Hitting me?” My frayed emotions were snapping one by one.

 

“Do you want me to?” 

 

“Yes.. All I've done is cause you trouble time and time again. You can be honest with me, Fang. I won’t… do anything.” 

 

She let out a sigh, standing up and facing the tv with her back to me. 

 

“Yeah, I was planning on tearing you a new one, whole time I followed you in my car I was planning the most perfect way to leave you in pieces.” Her wings shimmied a bit as she thought. “But then I saw where you were going.” Fang’s eyes peaked at me over her shoulder. “And seeing you sitting on that beach killed my steam. This whole time I thought you didn't care about what you said, about how you made me feel, that I was so insignificant that you didn't think to apologize.”

 

I shifted back into a sitting position, making sure Fang had my full attention. 

 

“Made me think about how long it's been, and how much has happened to me.” She turned away from me once more. “It made me think about what could have happened to you in that time. I wasn't the same person I was on that beach. So you might not be the same Anon.” Fang's body gave a shudder and her claws dug into her arms. “I didn't know what to do.. I froze up. I hesitated.. And then I just decided to go for it. Let you know that I knew you were here and just see what happened. But when I got close I saw the gun and just… kicked you.” Her shoulders shook lightly with her words, wings flaring up to shield her head.

 

I tried to stand, to do what, I didn't know, but the hand I braced on the table slid on something, landing me back on my butt. It… It was the envelope, now spattered with red spots.

 

“The gun shot and you just… fell over. You weren't moving, and your face…” Fang took in a shuddering inhale. “I just stood there.. Because I hesitated. Because I ignored you. Because I was childish. You were gone.” Her claws left her arms and shook in front of her face as she stared shakenly at the red stains. “I… screamed. Screamed at that smiling bitch on your phone who drove you to this. At myself for being petty. I didn't know what to do so I screamed… But then you moved.” Her eyes peeked out once again to look at me. “My head is so jumbled up, I don't know what to do. I want to know the truth, but I've been too scared of the answer to ask!” Fang turned to me, tears trailing down her cheeks and her lips pulled back in a snarl. “Is this my fault!?” She panted quickly, eyes frantically flicking to the right of my face.

 

“No it isn't.” My voice was barely a whisper.

 

“Don’t you fucking lie to me Anon!” Fang jabbed an accusatory claw at me. “You said you were done running you fucking coward, tell me the truth! Don't you dare pity the mentally ill schizo!”

 

I held the envelope out to her, catching her attention. A look of confusion taking over the anger.

 

“I wrote that… planning to die.” Fang’s eyes flicked from the envelope to me. “If you don't trust my words now… You can trust what's on that paper.” She hesitates, hand pulling away before she grabs hold of it. “None of this is your fault Fang. I'm sorry you ever had to believe that.” 

 

She slowly reached for it, as if scared it would burn her, before gently pinching it between two claws. A quick swipe and the top was open. 

 

“Are you sure?..” The fire was gone from her voice. I nodded. After all, it was addressed to you.

 

Her wings shifted to cover her face from view before digging out the letter. 

 

I didn’t need to see it to know what was written. It took me 4 days to write it properly, damn thing would probably be seared in my mind till the end of my days.

 

I let myself sink into the cushions again as I waited for her to finish reading.

 

‘My name is Anon Y. Mous, and I would like to apologize to whoever it is that found me. I’m sure there were better things you wanted to do today. There was no accident, no crime, no murder. Just a guy who was at the end of his rope. Another faceless nobody from Skin Row. 

 

My story is a simple one. I was an immature asshole who didn’t give a shit about anyone but himself, a little prick who drug those around him down to his level so he wouldn’t be alone. And he didn’t change. He didn’t try hard enough, instead he ran and ran until nothing was left. Anon Mous is a man who couldn’t change. He died as he lived. A coward.

 

I leave everything I have to my name to Fang Arron (Ripley and Samantha Arron’s child).To Fang I leave all that I have left in this world. It isn’t much, and it’s far less than they deserve.

 

This last bit is for Fang, so if that is not you reading this, don’t be a dick, put this down. 

 

Fang

 

I'm sorry. I know my words probably aren’t worth much to you, but I would like to say them anyway. I'm also sorry I was too much of a coward to say them to your face. 

 

Fuck what anybody thinks. Don’t lie and don’t change yourself to fit someone else’s mold. Be who you choose to be. 

 

You don’t need fixing.

 

I don’t have a lot, but I have saved up a few thousand, also some useless shit for you to pawn. Take it. It’s yours to do with as you please.

 

 I’m not writing this to throw blame or guilt at you. I simply saw where my life was heading and cut to the chase. Just wanted you to know that you made me happy, and that I was truly sorry for the things I said

 

Those few months were the happiest of my life. Thank you for seeing me as a better person then I was. It felt nice to pretend I wasn’t just some loser from Rock Bottom. The song we played will forever be burned into my head, and I hear it everytime I think of you.

 

My only regret is that I hurt you that night. 

 

Yours truly 

Anon

 

And to my parents, I’m sorry your time was wasted on me.’

 

Probably not my best work. But I was scared I had started looking for fuck ups to delay myself. 

 

Fang finished with a huff of.. I don’t know? exasperation? And flopped face down awkwardly on the recliner, her claws grasping at the side until she hit the lever and it plopped down flat letting her stretch out on it properly.

 

“Alright I’m checking out.” 

 

“What? That’s it?” That’s all she had to say? I fuckin spent hours on that!

 

“My emotions have been on a fucking roller coaster over the last 24 hours.” Her muzzle turned away as she shimmied to get more comfortable. “Checking out. Dangerously close to dredging, and not going to deal with that today.” 

 

Fair enough.

 

It didn’t take long before Fang’s wings gently drooped and her breathing evened out. 

 

I was still too restless to follow. My energy was coming in spurts before I would flatline into unconsciousness and I was still currently on the high. Instead I decided to be a little weirdo and stare at Fang’s snoozing form.

 

Even from behind I could see how skinny she was. Her waist sunken in to worrying levels, her skin paler than a lack of sunlight should have made. It made a sharp juxtaposition to the black tattoos that spotted her arms. Her wings were tattered and worn, with new feathers growing next to the ruffled and broken old.The hair wasn't the buzz it was when I had first seen it, but was still ragged and short. I couldn't see her face from where I sat, but I had already gotten a good look at it. Her black makeup was mostly gone, just a dark tinge on her lips the only clue it had been there. I guess she didn't have time to reapply it.  But beneath it all she was still Fang…

 

It hurt to see her like this, an emotion tickling the back of my throat causing me to swallow it back down. 

 

If Fang thought her emotions were on a roller coaster, mine must have wrecked off the rails. I had been jerked back and forth in confusion so much I was at a point where I don’t think I could feel anything. The term emotionally exhausted came to mind.

 

I just… wanted to do something! Go somewhere! Anything to not feel like I’m not going anywhere in life. My life has always had a ‘next’ in it. Even in the navy there was something to go towards, new areas to fill in, less shitty jobs to pass onto the new guys. But when I got back to Valcadera there’s been no ‘next’. Just the same day by day, over and over.

 

I was lacking a dream… a reason to want to see the next day. 

 

Did I even want to be saved? It was a weird question. It wasn’t my intent to be, but does that mean I should be angry at her? I didn’t feel even the lightest ember. Were my trips to the pizza parlor a cry for help? Again, didn't feel right.

 

A snort jolted me out of my introspection. Fang curling in slightly on the recliner before settling back down.

 

I sighed.

 

None of my shit mattered right now. I wouldn’t get the answer to happiness wallowing in my head. Just take it nice and easy, one step forward, and hopefully no more two steps back.




I was roused from my semi coma some unknown time later by Naser and nearly punched in his fuckin snout when he was five inches away from my face. 

 

I don't remember if I was dreaming, but something sure had my heart pumping. Though once again the burst of energy came at the cost of a dizzying nausea. 

 

Naser was gently removing my bandages, working the tape off with a claw before tugging lightly on the bandage when it stuck.

 

“I told you to relax. Why the hell is this bleeding again?” He finally peeled off a patch on my cheek that was apparently the cause for concern. “You didn’t pop a stitch but it sure looks like you tried.”

 

“I barely touched it.” It's true, I wasn't even messing with it!

 

“But you did touch it.” he huffed. “Look Anon, you are one lucky sonovabitch, but you’re in a fragile state still.” I winced as he started pulling on the bandages above my eye. “You lost a lot of blood and if you fuck it up I will have to drag you to a hospital. Regardless of what ‘issues’ you have.” 

 

I nodded as he spoke, or tried to before he grabbed my chin to hold me still. I understood how much he was doing to help me.

 

“Alright done, now we just need to apply the new ones. But first…” he reached behind him and picked up something before holding it above my face. “Want to see what it looks like?” 

 

I kind of didn't but I nodded anyway. 

 

Naser flipped the mirror around and let me get the first close look at my face I'd taken in close to a year. It wasn't pretty.

 

An angry, jagged, red line tore up the right side of my face. Held together by string that pulled painfully as I grimaced. The line started thickly at an angle from the corner of my mouth, carving a path upwards through the top of my cheek. I was lucky to have my eye… It skipped over it and tore a line out of my eyebrow before tapering off at my forehead. The eye itself stared back at me, bloodshot and slightly deformed as the skin was pulled tight from the stitches.

 

“Yeah probably not my best work, I was feeling pretty rushed.” The mirror was pulled away as Naser took its place, hands gripping the sides of my face as his eyes trailed over his ‘work’. “Redness and swelling will go down as long as we keep it clean. Skin should stretch properly and your eye should heal no problem.”

 

I didn't say anything as he started to rebandage the wound. Didn't know what to say really.

 

My face was never really a concern for me. I've been told I was plain by many people. Not handsome, not ugly, just a guy that would make a great background character in a movie because I was so forgettable. Having a scar might improve it honestly.

 

Flares of pain accompanied the new bandages as Naser applied them. I focused on doing my best not to move too much. It wasn't an easy process but he managed.

 

Fang had gone back out to her car to work on my mess, once again making me feel like shit. I would make up for it one day, and this is going to be the first promise Anon wouldnt fuck up. 

 

“Soo.” Naser broke the silence. “Navy huh?” He said in mimicry of his sibling- Sister. Small talk was not something I was prepared for or particularly wanted. But I was not really at liberty to deny him.

 

“Yup Navy.”

 

“What are you doing back then?” He was digging, searching for cracks.

 

“Knocked down some stairs and fractured my ass and hip, on disability comp.”

 

“Hmm.” He scratched at his chin. “Might want to add ‘shot in the face’ to that speech if you plan on going out.” I guess it would make explanations a bit easier and less.. angsty. “Also don't tell a soul that I was the one who sewed you back up!” He suddenly looked much more serious. “I mean it! Anyone finds out I was doing back alley surgery and I would be expelled faster than you could blink, Anon!”

 

I nodded and made a zipping motion across my lips.

 

“Less I have to talk about this the better.” I highly doubt I would be spilling my guts to a bunch of random strangers anyways. 

 

“I mean ANYONE! This ends between us three, alright?” 

 

“Well us four… Jacob knows, though he doesn't know I shot myself.” Nasers rolled his eyes at me. “And I assume his girlfriend knows as well. So five.”

 

“I know that. They can be trusted.” So he did have Jacob come over. Though judging by his reaction Naser didn't give him enough info. “I know they have Fang’s back no matter what. No more though, got it?” 

 

“Yeah yeah I got it already man. I understand.” I rolled my eyes, we had already been over this haven’t we? Raptor Jesus…

 

“You fuckin better.” He glared at me hard to push his message, quickly reminding me that he most likely hated me. 

 

“I owe you, Naser. Big time. I won’t breathe a word I swear.”

 

“Take whatever you think you owe me and pass it on to Fang.” He sat back in the recliner. “Like I said before, she’s the reason I pieced your face back together.” 

 

And once again here was the uncomfortable silence. Yeah no, I wasn’t about to let this one stew.

 

“Soo… med school huh?”

 

He nodded

 

“Yup.”

 

“How’s that going?”

 

“Well it sucks. Lots of studying, lots of test, lots of work, and lots of stress.”

 

“Sounds like it sucks.” Come on man throw me a bone here.

 

“It does, but it’ll be worth it in the end.” I nodded at that.

 

“Good mental, you was always going places.” I slid into a sitting position. “Keep moving forward, don’t be like me.”

 

Naser scoffed.

 

“No offense Anon. But I could drop out tomorrow and start working at Clukin’Bell and still be better off than you.” Just because it’s true doesn’t mean it’s not offensive. Dick. “Also quit talking like a wizened old fart. Doesn’t take a genius to see I shouldn’t be sticking a gun in my mouth.” Jeez was Naser always this much of a dick?

 

“Welp..” Is Naomi still a conniving bitch? I fiddled with my thumbs. I don’t think I was healthy enough to start that conversation so I wisely chose to keep my mouth shut.

 

He sighed and ran a hand over his head.

 

“Look.. sorry, just.. stress you know?” I shrugged, not like I was in much of a position to judge him. “I’ve been wound tight with school and Fang. Then you come along and turn the crank a bit more. I feel like I’m on the verge of snapping!” Naser’s claws gripped at his crown as he growled. “Every time I think I have a handle on things it keeps getting worse!” 

 

“You’re doing a good job.”

 

“What?” His eyes snapped to me in confusion.

 

“You’re doing a good job.” I repeated. “I might not be the best person to voice my input but from the outside looking in I can see that you're a good person who’s trying hard to help his family. You’ve always been a good brother, Naser.”

 

Slowly his claws peel away from his head as he lets out a long breath. 

 

“Thanks.. I know I shouldn’t be doing things to be praised, and I know that I’m appreciated and all. But it is nice to actually hear it.” He slouched into the chair. “Again sorry for… you know the whole… shit, look I’ve never had to deal with something like this before! I don’t know how to talk with someone who almost fucking killed themselves!” 

 

“Keep doing what you’re doing.” I don’t want to be coddled like a child. “If you want to scream at me, scream. If you want to sit in silence then sit. If you have questions, ask. I just want to be treated normally, how I deserve to be treated.” I don’t want to be pitied. 

 

“Well I don’t want to scream at you.” His eyes glanced away towards the tv. “A lot of shitty stuff has happened. Look, at the end of the day, yelling wouldn't fix anything. Honestly it probably wouldn’t even make me feel better. In the moment maybe, but when I was back home staring at the ceiling I would feel like a complete asshole.” It’s no fun punching down as the saying goes…

 

The front door opened as Fang marched back in, a bucket and sponge in their- her claws. She beelined for the kitchen and I could hear the sink turn on.

 

“Well I think that's about the best I'm gonna get it today.” Her voice came from the kitchen. “Now it's going to soak in febreeze and air freshener for the smell. Stains are about the best I think they're going to get.” I could hear an undertone of frustration in her voice.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“Cut that shit.” I heard her snort from the kitchen. “Besides, who do you think I’m billing to deep clean it?” Fair enough.

 

“Oh hey Fang.” Naser twisted around to look into the kitchen. “Dr. Seymour said she’s good for an appointment on Saturday. Usual time.”

 

Dr. Seymour. I’d heard that name before…

 

“…Alright.” I heard a groan from the kitchen. 

 

“Thank you, Fang.” Naser visibly relaxed. 

 

“Dr. Seymour?” I almost regretted the question as soon as it past my lips. I wasn’t sure if it was in my right to even ask, it was clearly a personal situation.

 

Naser eyed me before glancing back to the kitchen.

 

A sigh was heard as Fang’s head peaked around the corner at me.

 

“She’s my therapist.” 

 

Oh. That made sense.

 

She disappeared around the corner again. 

 

“I know it’s stupid.”

 

“It’s not stupid.” I quickly piped in. “Hell I’m not one to judge.” Not exactly the picture of stability here. “If you like going and it helps you then that’s all that matters.”

 

“I don’t like going, she makes me talk about shit I don’t want to.” Oh, well then fuck Dr. Seymour. “But.. It does feel good after, and I always do better after our visits..” Ok, don’t fuck Dr. Seymour? 

 

“If we didn’t do things we didn’t want to we would never grow.” Naser sagely added. 

 

“Nice, which cookie you steal that from?” Fang snarked from the kitchen.

 

“Naomi had Chinese last night. Ate the leftovers when I got back. Also when did fortune cookies stop giving fortunes? They just give vague advice now.”

 

Yeah, what was the deal with that?

 

“As riveting as this conversation is.” Fang entered the room, pulling her top up and giving it a few sniffs. 

 

I averted my eyes as her midriff was exposed, but not before noticing a little pink mark below her belly button.

 

I felt pretty stupid, getting flustered over such a small thing.

 

“I’m hopping in the shower. Haven’t gotten to wash in two days.” She popped her boots off as she walked past me to the hallway she had popped out of this morning, plopping them by the corner of the wall where her bass leaned.

 

I tried to focus on the tv, but couldn’t turn my brain off. My mind was still in a turbulent state, churning with questions I didn’t know I could ask.

 

I could faintly hear water start running.

 

“So.” Naser turned to me as I broke the silence. “Why does Fang still play bass?” This seemed like an innocent enough question.

 

“Doesn’t have a guitar.” His response was a bit sharp. “At least that’s what she says.”

 

“What happened to her old one?”

 

He hesitated, looking back towards the tv. 

 

“It broke.” The silence drug out after that, it was clear he wasn’t going to explain any further. 

 

Silence was back as we just watched whatever was on tv. 

 

Naser slapped his knees and stood up.

 

“Welp!” He exclaimed, dusting his hands. “I'm going out to grab some food. Not much here for cooking so I’ll snag us something.”

 

I grabbed my wallet off the table and tossed it to him. Which he promptly ducked, letting it clack to the floor.

 

“Oh.” He grinned sheepishly, bending over and snatching it off the floor. “Yeah no thanks.” It found itself back on the table and Naser pulled out his own. “Great part about going to college full time is that you get to ride your parent’s financial coattails for a while longer.”

 

Whether it was his money or his parents didn’t matter, I wanted to pay. At least for my share. But Naser ignored me and left anyway. Leaving me once again feeling like the anchor in the room. 

 

With no one else in the room I could finally, somewhat, distract myself with the tv.

 

My face was pulsing with pain in time with my heartbeat, but it was a manageable sting thanks to the 2 pills I had downed again with a glass of water.

 

Fang entered the room around the second episode of NorthGarden. 

 

Something about the crass humor and dumb jokes took me back to happier days. When shit didn’t suck. But each small smile I made would pull at my stitches, a painful reminder that life was still ass.

 

Fang had reapplied her makeup, draining the color from her face with the black hues. But other than that she looked much more refreshed, her shaggy short hair was now a little more kept, her skin was a little more lively.

 

We didn’t talk, just used the tv as the perfect ambiance to avoid starting a conversation.

 

Unlike with Naser I was perfectly fine with letting it stew. Fang wasn’t wanting to ‘dredge’ and I sure as shit wasn’t about to push an issue. If she wanted to talk she would talk.

 

But until then we just enjoyed the relaxing atmosphere. I mean fuck, we needed this after the emotional highway we’ve been riding.

 

It… felt nice to not be alone watching a screen. I couldn’t explain it properly, we weren’t even interacting with each other. But just knowing that someone was in the room with me made it so much more enjoyable. I must have been lonely without even realizing it..

 

I might not have a ‘next’ to look forward to, but sitting here with Fang watching tv was probably the best time I’ve had since high school. Even if only for a little bit, I could almost pretend that nothing had ever gone wrong.

 

But every glance at Fang or twinge of pain was a reality check. 

 

I shook my head (which was a bad idea because the light shake fucking hurt!). 

 

I still don’t know how to react to all this. So much has happened in such a short amount of time. My heart still seizes up thinking about how easy it was to pull the trigger once I crossed that threshold. How the gun felt against my chin…

 

I took a sharp inhale, emotions flooding my throat again. Tears bit at my eyes and I clamped down on a choking sob.

 

My semi good mood was definitely gone.

 

I tried to cover up the strangled noise by clearing my throat with a sharp cough, but that only drew Fang’s attention as she shifted in her chair to look.

 

“I’m fine.” My voice was watery, crumbling my already weak constitution. I couldn’t make eye contact, instead focusing as best I could on the tv through the tears while trying to calm the shudders. 

 

“… Does it hurt?” Her voice was soft and calming. 

 

Not really, but I took the out with a nod as I bit the back of my hand to distract myself.

 

From the look on her face she didn’t really think that was the issue.

 

“You’re going to be alright, Anon.” She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. “The… pain will go away, I promise.”

 

Naser would arrive an episode later with 2 boxes of Dino Moe's pizza. And it was the best dinner I’ve ever had.