“I still can’t believe she actually said yes! I hit the absolute jackpot, man!” Bill continues on his verbal onslaught, wearing a beaming smile. “Her name’s PreCureCutie02, but I call her Cutie for short. I think she’s 21. She hasn’t said outright because that’s not very ladylike to just say your age like that, you know? I’m cool about it, I’m older than she is but that’s fine. Besides, I want to have kids someday and if my future wife is younger we’ll have better odds of a healthy baby. Oh, look at me, already talking about kids and I haven’t even met her in the flesh yet! Well, I can already tell she’s the one, just something about the way she-” As the sound of Bill’s voice fades to a distant thrumming, I stare vacantly at the cupcake sitting on my desk. Once again, Bill has brought treats into the office to celebrate his great success in acquiring yet another internet girlfriend. If the current trend continues, by early next week he’ll be a broken man with a broken heart, swearing to never love again, until a few days later at which point he’ll have found another prospect. I’ve worked at this office for less than a month and this is the fifth cupcake I’ve been offered by Bill. Like the rest, it’ll remain on my desk to await its fate in his gullet around 4pm. “... Are you even listening to me, Anon?” My ears suddenly register Bill’s rambling as actual human language once more as he peers at the side of my head. I slowly turn to look at him. “No.” Bill chuckles, causing his stomach to undulate in hypnotic waves. “Oh, Anon, you kidder. See, this is why you were able to get the dino babe. I’m gonna have to ask for your advice later on when I meet Cutie in the real! I don’t want to go in unprepared.” He gives me a wink. I want to die. My computer’s speakers emit a small ding, mercifully offering me reprieve from the “conversation” at hand. I turn back to my monitor and the small notification it has provided, informing me of an unread email. On a Friday afternoon, this is either some last-minute client project that’s gonna keep me late, or an announcement. I pray for the latter as I open the message: Frontier Data Management Company Picnic Saturday, November 11th, 11:00 AM Volcaldera Park, Gazebos B and C Bring your family for a day of food, festivities and fun! Below the short message is a stock image of humans and dinosaurs gathered in a park. Various adults are smiling and laughing around a grill as a multitude of meats and vegetables sizzle upon it. Two children, one velociraptor and one human, run together as they fly a kite. Several other kids play ‘jump rope’, with a compsognathus mid-skip over the center of the cord. I can’t help but smile… not at the corny social commentary of the image or its overt cutesiness; rather, whoever sent this missed the enormous, obvious stock image watermark covering the majority of the picture. Whoops. I put my folded hands against my chin and mull over the possibilities. November 11th. That’s two Saturdays away, a little over two weeks from now. I perform a quick mental calendar check to confirm whether that date is free or not. I don’t believe I have anything coming up besides a cookout with Lucy’s parents this weekend… actually, this would be my first work-hosted social function since I started here. I wonder if Lucy would be up for coming along. It says we can bring family, and I know there’s a handful of folks who work here that are decent enough people. Maybe it could serve as a test run for getting her used to socializing and trying to make some friends? As I ponder, Bill’s ceaseless rambling kicks in again. “Company picnic, nice! They always try to fit something in around this time before it gets too cold out, hopefully the weather holds up for it. I’d bring a jacket, though… just in case. Oh, will you be bringing your wife along with you? I’d love to meet her! This is your first time at one of these picnics; I’m sure you’ll have a great time. Maybe I can talk Cutie into coming, oh, but I don’t know if that’d be too soon for me to invite her along like she’s family. I bet Rick will come too, he isn’t married but he sometimes invites his brother, you’d probably get along well with him. I wonder what kind of food they’ll have? That picture shows roasted vegetables, I’ll leave those for the herbivores. I want a big, juicy burger. Oh, and-” Bill please. I beg. My prayers of ending Bill’s tirade are answered, but in the least desirable way possible. “REALLY, Bill? You certainly don’t LOOK like you need more burgers! You’re already a front-runner for the ‘Pachsburry Dough-Boy look-alike contest!’ KYA HA HA!” Fucking Kevin. Bill instantly retreats to his desk, averting eye contact with the towering pterodactyl. His cheeks are flushed in embarrassment. Sorry, man. I’ll try to get this asshole off your back. I sigh as I look up at the intruder. “Yes, Kevin. What can we do for you now?” Kevin feigns being taken aback. “Well! I don’t know why every time I come around, G.I. Joe here suspects that I have some sort of ulterior motive! I just wanted to make sure you both received my email about the company picnic in two weeks!” I put on my best Reed impersonation, holding my eyelids half-open as I glance over my shoulder to my computer screen that still displays the email, watermarked photo and all, then back to Kevin. “I’m pretty sure it was sent to all employees, so as long as we’re still employed here we would get it… right? Oh, and did you say it was your email? Were you the one that picked out that picture?” Kevin jams a long, sharp claw into his ear hole and digs around absent-mindedly. “Yeah. Dad said he wanted something that would encompass our values of ‘unity’ and ‘mutual respect’ or some shit. I just did a Gruugle image search and copied the first stupid pic I saw.” Dad? I think that’s the first time Kevin’s said anything about actually having a relative working here. That would explain his continued employment. Kevin finishes his ear canal excavation, flicking a glob of wax somewhere into the worn out carpet in the cubicle. He looks back up at me, his bored expression turning to one of malice. “Why do you ask about the picture? Do all those dinosaurs and spear chuckers frolicking give you a hard-on? It must be a wet dream for a race-mixer like you! KYA HA HA!” I look at him coolly. He’s not going to goad me that easily. “No, I was just noticing the watermark you left on it. Real professional, Kevin.” His eyes flash. Despite putting very little effort into the email, he took that one personally. He glares at the plain black gym shirt I changed into after Trish besmirched my white button-up with her makeup over lunch. “Professional? You’re one to talk, wearing a t-shirt in the office. What, was your loincloth dirty? You-” Kevin pauses and sniffs the air with his elongated snout. His actions are reminiscent of a dog catching a whiff of something interesting on the wind, and he cranes his head around trying to locate whatever mystery scent has his attention. It’s unnerving watching a colossal pterodactyl imitating a bloodhound. He finally whips his head in my direction, leaning closer and giving me a wicked grin. “Ahh… I see. You had to change clothes to hide the evidence.” I am legitimately taken aback. “What the fuck are you talking about, Kevin?” His grin widens. “Ohh, so you weren’t fooling around with someone over your lunch break? Why the change of clothes if you didn’t have some incriminating evidence on your garments?” I gulp. This is bad. I know Lucy has a good sense of smell, but if she’s got anything close to this, I might be royally screwed when I get home. “No, Kevin, I was not fooling around with someone over lunch break. What the hell is your problem?” Kevin’s eyes widen. “You can be honest with me, Anon. … What was HIS name?! KYA HA HA!” I let out a sigh, both of frustration and of relief. Thank God, he’s not an oracle that actually identified the trace of triceratops tears on my person. He’s just an idiot. Before I can respond, I hear another voice. “Y-you shouldn’t m-m-make fun of Anon, K-Kevin!” Kevin’s head whips over to glare at the speaker. Bill, seated and back still turned, arches his shoulders and squints his eyes as he mentally prepares himself to get punched in the back of the head. No physical assault comes his way; instead, Kevin speaks in a mocking voice. “I’m sorry, w-w-what was th-th-that, B-B-Bill? I couldn’t understand you over the doughnuts in your mouth! Or, rather-” He glances at the cupcake that sits on my desk, then to the trash can on Bill’s side of the cubicle with several cupcake wrappers lying within. “Cupcakes? I’m offended, Bill! Where was my cupcake? I know you like to celebrate every time you find another picture of a dino girl online you get to jerk off to, but you really should share when you bring treats into the office.” I take to my feet and firmly point a finger toward the exit. “Kevin, kindly fuck off.” Kevin takes a step in my direction, leering down at me. I’m not a manlet by any means, but this asshole won the genetic lottery, easily standing at over 7 feet. I could still take him. “What was that, One Man Army? You wanna fight? I’d happily toss your ass out the door; one less race-mixing neanderthal to disgrace this company.” In a surprising move, Bill also spins around and stands from his chair. He faces Kevin, fists clenched, knees clattering and struggling to maintain his composure and not break down into a frightened, sobbing mess. “Y-yeah, Kevin! F-f-fuck off! We don’t w-want you b-bothering us!” Kevin cocks his head toward Bill, his wicked grin growing even larger. “A two-for-one special! Bury one ape, bury another for free!” Just as the tension in the air threatens to shatter and erupt into a full-on fist fight, a shrill tone bursts from Kevin’s pocket. He pauses for a moment, scowls at us, and withdraws his cell phone. His ringtone is nearly as obnoxious as he is, a horrifying cacophony of screeching guitars and incomprehensible singing. My eye twitches and a sharp pain fires through my frontal lobe as the aural assault blares from the tinny speakers. Mercifully, Kevin taps the phone’s screen to answer the call. He turns away from us as he speaks. “Yeah? … Nah, I’m not busy.” He takes a few steps down the cube hall as he continues. “Just putting a couple spear-chucking race-mixers in their place. Fucking filthy skinnies think-” *Splat!* Kevin stops. I look at the man on my right. He stands, frozen in place, an outstretched hand facing Kevin. He wears a look of disbelief and horror. I peer over my shoulder to my desk. The cupcake that once peacefully awaited its fate is gone. Already aware of the conclusion to this mystery, I slowly turn to face Kevin. He remains stock still, cell phone held to his ear. The remains of the cupcake slowly slide down the back of his head, chocolate and sprinkles splattered across his crest. With a final plop, the innards of the dessert land on the floor, followed closely by the wrapper gently drifting downward. A sickening cloud hangs in the room. A barely audible voice can be heard on the other end of Kevin’s cell phone, questioning the sudden silence of their conversation partner. Kevin finally moves, slowly turning toward the culprit. His eyes first lock to mine, but quickly snap to Bill who, unfortunately, has still not reset his position and, because of that, inadvertently confessed to his crime. Kevin lowers the cell phone and uses his other hand to wipe a chunk of cupcake from his crest. He looks at it in disbelief and fury; as he flicks the remains of the sugary projectile onto the floor, he glares at Bill once more and speaks in a bone-chilling tone. “... I was just going to teach you a lesson before. Now I’m going to fucking kill you, you fat troglodyte fuck.” Bill cries out, putting his hands in front of his face and recoiling as Kevin takes two swift strides in his direction, instantly closing the gap between them. In anticipation of the move, I dart in front of Bill and raise my hands to a defensive stance. Before Kevin’s claws can lash out, a powerful yet surprisingly calm voice interrupts. “What is the meaning of this?” Kevin freezes. A look of abject shock paints his face for a moment, and he spins around on the spot to address the speaker. “D-dad!” In the cubicle hallway stands a pterodactyl man of impressive height. A pressed suit adorns his body and a cane rests in his hand. He leans gently on it, the walking implement and a few faint wrinkles being the only clues to the pterosaur’s age. His expression is stern, but unlike Kevin he does not emit a cruel aura. Bill is the next one to speak up, still cowering behind me but eyeing the regal gentleman. “M-Mr. Gill!” I glance at Bill, then to the person who I now know to be the CEO of Frontier Data Management, Thomas Gill. I’d never seen him prior to today, save for a picture adorning a small plaque in the building’s entryway. I suppose I never got Kevin’s last name prior to now, but his dad being CEO would explain how he is still employed here. However, Mr. Gill does not look at Kevin with love and acceptance; his gaze has a certain intensity to it. After a long moment, Mr. Gill speaks, “Don’t you have some matters you should be attending to, Kevin? I believe you were instructed to improve human-dinosaur relations?” For a fraction of a second, a furious scowl appears on Kevin’s face, but before its appearance can be registered, an insincere smirk replaces it. “A-absolutely, pops. I was just chatting with these two… fine gentlemen about the upcoming picnic. No better way to come together than some food and fun.” His words carry an underlying hateful tone. His father either misses this, or chooses to ignore it. Mr. Gill glances at Bill and I, then slightly past the two of us to our workstations. “Well, I can see on both of their computer monitors that they did, in fact, receive your correspondence. Carry on.” Kevin gives a weak chuckle in affirmation, then turns back to my cubemate and I. Though he wears a false smile, his eyes bulge in rage as he speaks. “I’ll see the two of you later.” With a sharp exhale from his nostrils, he turns and makes his way out of the cubicle. “Oh, Kevin?” Mr. Gill speaks up again. Kevin stops abruptly and turns to face his father once more. Mr. Gill lifts his cane slightly and jabs it in the direction of the cupcake that lies on the floor between the two of them. “Did you forget something?” Again, a look of hatred flashes across Kevin’s face for an instant, rapidly replaced with an “innocent” smirk. Kevin bends down, scoops the remains of the treat into his hands, and drops them in a nearby trash can. Shooting Bill one last menacing look, he turns and stomps off toward his own workstation on the other side of the building. I glance over to Bill. He’s as white as a ghost, looking like he might pass out at any moment, but a strange smile of triumph tugs at the sides of his face. My attention is brought back to Mr. Gill as he shrugs and speaks in the direction Kevin wandered. “Maybe someday he’ll see the big picture.” He then turns to address us. “And don’t you two have some work you should be doing?” I stand at attention out of reflex, but quickly remember that I don’t need to do that for non-military personnel, even the CEO of the company for which I work. “Yes, Mr. Gill. Sorry about that, we’ll get back to work right away.” For a moment, I consider tattling on Kevin to his old man, informing Mr. Gill of his son’s rampant racism and vitriol, but I quickly stifle the thought. Men handle their own issues. His stern expression is replaced with a genuinely warm smile. “What was your name, young man?” “Anon Mous, sir.” I glance down at my black t-shirt and gulp. “Uh... Sorry about being under-dressed.” Mr. Gill chuckles. “It’s a Friday afternoon. I’m not going to rap your knuckles for wearing something more casual than a stuffy collared shirt. Personally, I don’t much enjoy suits and ties, but… alas.” He shrugs, then puts his weight back on his cane again. “I have heard your name, Mr. Mous. It sounds like you’ve been doing some excellent work for Rick. We are glad to have you on board.” I feel my ears redden slightly at the praise. “... Thank you, Mr. Gill.” “Please, call me Thomas. No need for such formality. Well, I’d best be on my way. Keep up the good work, both of you.” He glances from me over to Bill, gives him a nod and a smile, and carries on down the hallway. The tap of his cane on the floor adds a unique rhythm to his steps, and in a few moments he vanishes from sight. The moment Thomas Gill is no longer in view, Bill exhales like he’s been holding his breath for the past three minutes. Given the events, he very well might have been. He collapses backward into his chair, and after a moment speaks up. “... I legitimately thought I was going to die.” I take my own seat and turn to face him. “You legitimately might have died. That was a ballsy move, throwing that cupcake at Kevin. Incredibly stupid, but ballsy.” He plants his face in his hands and groans. “Uuuugh! I don’t know what I was THINKING! I was just so… so MAD at him! I’m tired of Kevin thinking he can just bully us! It hurts when he bullies me, but now that you’re here, you’re getting targeted, too, and it’s all my fault…” Looks like Dr. Mous, Therapist Extraordinaire is back in the office again. I scoot closer to Bill and place a hand on his shoulder. “Look, man. I appreciate your concern, and the fact that you stuck up for the both of us means a lot. But don’t worry about me. Remember, I’m military. I had to deal with way worse than Kevin every morning before I even got to take a piss.” With this, Bill chuckles and looks up at me. The color is returning to his face. “Thanks, Anon. Sorry for being stupid and making him even madder.” I remove my hand from his shoulder and give a smile. “To be safe… let’s head out to the parking lot together after work, okay?” He chuckles again, but a look of worry crosses his face. “Yeah, that sounds good. Do… do you think he’ll get over it and, you know… not want to murder us?” I shrug. “He’s an idiot, so I doubt he remembers what he ate for lunch. We should be fine by next week. I’m just surprised that he’s Mr. Gill’s son. Seems like that apple fell pretty far from the tree, don’t you think?” Bill cocks his head at me. “You didn’t know Kevin was Mr. Gill’s son? Gill is his last name, too, after all.” “Guess I never thought to ask. I always knew Kevin as ‘fucking Kevin’.” Bill laughs, and I turn back to my computer, minimizing the email and pulling up another project spreadsheet. A few minutes go by, and Bill speaks up again. “You do know why Mr. Gill was here, right?” I turn back to Bill, a look of curiosity on my face. “On his way to the can?” Bill rolls his eyes. “No, Anon! He’s got a private bathroom in his office, why would he come down here to go? No, he was sizing YOU up!” I blink. Me? What did I do wrong? Bill continues. “You know who sat in that chair before you, right?” I glance down, then back to Bill. “Can’t say I do, no.” “Rick. You know, Rick, our supervisor. Six months ago, he was doing data entry just like you are now, and one day Mr. Gill comes around, complimenting Rick’s work. A few days later, Rick’s got a new office and a supervisory title!” “But I literally just started here less than a month ago. I doubt I’m on my way to promotion.” Bill raises an eyebrow at me and gives me a smirk. “I’m not so sure, Mr. Supervisor!” I give a smirk back. “In that case, as my first executive order, I demand you let me finish these spreadsheets so I don’t have to stay late.” — We didn’t see Kevin for the rest of the day, including on our way out to our cars. As I make the drive home, I think about the upcoming company picnic. I hope Lucy will be okay with joining me, and I especially hope that we can steer clear of Kevin and his ignorance. The last thing I’d need while trying to get her to socialize and mingle would be that absolute bird-brain causing trouble. As I pull into my driveway, I glance down at my black t-shirt. The incriminating work shirt is stuffed into my gym bag in the back seat. I feel a bit guilty about having to be sneaky about this, but I’d prefer to avoid any additional drama. I make my way into my home, gym bag in hand. Lucy glances up at me from the living room sofa as I enter, lowering the book she was reading a moment ago. “Hi, honey. How was your day at work?” I close the door behind me. “Very strange. Nearly had to kill a man, then got complimented by the CEO of the company.” Lucy blinks. “... Were those two events related?” “Kinda? It’s a long story. I’ll tell you over dinner.” “Oh! Speaking of dinner, I’ve got a surprise for us!” I raise an eyebrow. “Is it dino nuggies?” She balks. “No! If I made dino nuggies, you wouldn’t get any. Your surprise would be going hungry.” “Your surprise would be finding an empty plate and a husband with a stomach full of heavily processed chicken and breading.” Her eyes flash at me. “You’d be an ex-husband.” Ouch. I relent. “Okay, okay. What’s the actual surprise?” Lucy puffs up her shoulders for the grand announcement. “I ordered pizza!” “... Is that it?” She deflates. “Well… yeah… I didn’t feel like cooking. And I wanted pizza.” She crosses her arms and pouts. I move across the living room and give Lucy a kiss on the top of her head. “I still love you, my lazy wife. Say, do you have any laundry you need done?” She gives me a smile and goes back to her book. “A few things in the hamper. From our… time last night…” She brings her book closer to her face, attempting in vain to cover up her reddening cheeks. Hnnng she’s too adorable I love her!! I shake off the heat that starts to rise from my insides. Soon… but not yet. I collect the hamper from the bedroom and take it to the laundry room. I make sure to put my tear-stained work shirt at the bottom of the load. As I pour in the detergent, close the lid and start the wash cycle, a slender pair of mint green arms snake their way along my sides and cross at my midsection. Lucy’s head nuzzles into my back and she squeezes herself closer. I feel a light buffet of wind as her wings extend out, enclosing me in a downy cocoon. She speaks softly into my back. “I missed you.” I rotate myself around to face her, wrapping my arms around her in return. “It was only a workday. We got the whole weekend ahead of us, together.” She brings her head upward to face me, a pleading look in her eyes. “Anon…” She closes her eyes and slowly brings her lips toward my own. *Ding dong!* Lucy’s eyes fly open and a wide smile instantly overtakes her. “PIZZA TIME!” She hops in place several times, squealing in excitement, and skips toward the door. I stand dumbfounded, the building heat inside of me once again simmering. How the hell can she turn it on and off so quickly? Am I really less exciting than pizza? In answer to my question, Lucy rounds the corner, pizza box in hand. She dances on tip-toes in place as she holds the meal between us, smiling as widely as the moment I asked her to marry me. “Pizza pizza pizza PIZZA!” I raise an eyebrow. “Who do you love more: me, or pizza?” She freezes in place. She looks at me, then down at the pizza box, then back at me. She deliberates for a moment, then finally speaks with firm resolution. “... Pizza.” I mock sob into my hands as Lucy giggles and trots off toward the dining room with her true love. My theatrics concluded, I join her at the table and we indulge in the pepperoni-topped delight. As we fill our stomachs with cheese and meat, we share our days with one another. Lucy regales a story about one of her students finding a beetle outside and chasing the other children around the playground with it, cackling maniacally as their terrified classmates fled the menacing creature. I recount the events of my day, with the exception of my lunch break rendezvous with Reed and Trish. Lucy’s eyes widen as I tell her about the near-miss with fucking Kevin; I’ve mentioned his name and antics in passing before, but I opt to just call him a jerk instead of going into detail about how racist and bigoted he is. Lucy interjects, “You almost got into a fight with him? What did he say?!” I shrug. “He was being an asshat. Said some nasty things about my cubemate. Honestly, I wish he was gone, but he’s got relatives in high places.” She crosses her arms and nods. “Hmm. Guess I’m lucky that the other teachers at my church aren’t asshats. I’d hate to have to get violent in a house of God.” She leans forward a bit. “So, what did Kevin say about your cubemate… Bill, was it?” “Yeah. Kevin makes fun of the poor guy’s weight, and his… erm, well, his preferences when it comes to his online relationships.” “Preferences?” I sigh. “Yeah… he’s got a new e-girlfriend every week or so, and they’re always dinosaur women. He keeps trying to grill me for… advice.” I shouldn’t have said that. Lucy leans in closer, looking down her snout at me with sinister curiosity. “Sooo? What have you told him, hmmm?” “I told him he should find himself a wife who loves him more than she loves pizza.” With this, I give her a quick boop on her snoot with my finger. She recoils backwards, crossing her eyes in surprise as she looks at my assaulting appendage, then quickly snaps at it with her beak. I pull my hand back before she can nip my finger. “Oy! Watch yourself, woman!” She gives me a devilish grin. “I love pizza, and I love you; therefore, you must be PIZZA!” She darts from her chair and grabs me, playfully nibbling at my arms and face while making “Nom nom nom!” sounds. “False equivalency! False equivalency!” I exclaim as I try to fend off the ravenous beast. After our playful scuffle settles and our laughter dies down, Lucy sits on my lap, her arms over my shoulders and my hands on her hips. She gazes into my eyes, a smile still resting on her lips. As much as I’d love to pick this woman up and carry her into the bedroom this instant, I have something I need to address before we become too involved with one another. “So, another work-related item: we have a company picnic coming up in a few weeks. November 11th. Would you do me the honor of joining me for kite flying and jump rope?” She cocks her head, looking at me quizzically. “Kite flying and jump rope?” I chuckle. “Stupid picture that was on the email announcement. More likely it’ll just be a cookout, socializing and maybe some yard games.” She raises an eyebrow. “Will Kevin be there?” “Probably. But I shall defend you, milady. No need to worry about the office bully on my watch. Plus, there will be a bunch of other coworkers there. I doubt he’ll have a chance to say anything nasty without others overhearing it.” She smiles at me and pulls me in closer. “Ooh, my knight in shining armor. In that case, I’d be happy to go to your company picnic with you. I just hope they’ll have pizza.” I glance at the now empty box on the table. “Haven’t you had enough pizza already?” She pulls me in even closer, practically connecting us at the mouth. She stares hungrily at me. “I’m in the mood for more, my handsome ‘false equivalency’...” Yep, it’s time to carry this woman into the bedroom.