Title: Trouble At Burger King Status: Complete Characters: Anon, Fang Rating: SFW Classification: One-Shot Author: StarmanSuper Summary: The cool spring breeze carries with it the scent of the ocean, causing my nose to tingle with its salty aroma. I’d never thought I would smell something as beautiful as the ocean, let alone live close enough to one to enjoy its fragrance daily. However, not only did I get to move here in search of a new life that I blessedly found, I also met the woman of my dreams… Fang. The beautiful, funny, endearing pterodactyl who just a few months ago looked at me like I was a pile of walking garbage, now striding beside me, hand in hand. She glances my way and gives me a beaming smile. “I could hardly sleep last night! I was so excited about coming here today!” I lift an eyebrow. “Is that the only reason you couldn’t sleep?” She blushes as she averts her eyes. “Sh-shut up, dweeb!” God, she’s adorable. We slept in super late on this lovely Saturday, having entertained one another last night with binge-watched SnootTube videos, an absurd amount of Xrox (I hate to admit, she’s actually getting pretty good at Rock Ring 3), and, of course, that other stuff young lovers enjoy doing when they’re all alone together. Now that we’re both awake, cleaned up, dressed and on our way to our destination, it’s already nearing lunchtime. This is a convenient fact given our end goal. As we climb the steep sidewalk and can see beyond the hill, a wealth of fast food restaurants lie before us. Cars dart in and out of each one’s parking lot, the lunch rush in full effect as people utilize the convenience of the drive-thru for their sodium fixes. Of course, neither Fang nor I have a car, and Naser wasn’t available to lug us around, so we had to make this pilgrimage on foot. There it is: positioned just between the ‘Golden Arches’ and the ‘Big Bucket of Chicken with a White Dude’s Face On Them’, our destination. Our goal. Our holy of holies. Burger King. Of course, Burger King isn’t anything to really write home about. Its mediocre food and cringe-worthy marketing campaigns have only barely helped keep it afloat all these years in the face of such notable competition, but neither Fang nor I are going to Burger King for its exquisite delicacies or top-notch service. We seek but one thing. Last night, while I was surfing around on SnootTube trying to find something for us to watch, I realized my AdBlock software had disabled itself. I made a mental note that I probably needed to update it and went about looking for a video. Of course, I stupidly forgot that any video I found would have un-blocked advertisements on it, so once I clicked on one to check it out, a noisy, overbearing advert started blaring from my computer. Fang instinctively clapped her hands to the sides of her head. “Oh, God! Ads! TURN IT OFF! FUCK!” I scrambled to hit the “Skip” button that was still grayed out for another 2 seconds when Fang suddenly lunged next to me and towards the computer screen. “WAIT! WAAAAIT!” The advertisement being played was for Burger King and a new promotional item they were launching the very next day: dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets. Their very own BK Dino Nuggies. Fang’s eyes nearly popped out of their sockets as her mouth hung open, tongue slowly descending as she panted at the screen like a ravenous animal. It made me feel a little jealous, realizing she’d never looked at me the way she’s lustfully gazing at an ad for fucking Burger King. As the promotional short concluded, her head whipped in my direction. She practically screamed at me, despite her mouth being inches away from my ear. “ANON! WE HAVE TO GO TO BURGER KING TOMORROW!” I imitated her, bringing my own hands to my ears. “Holy fuck, woman! Inside voice!” She backed away from me a bit, her cheeks reddened with embarrassment. “Oh! S-sorry… I was just excited. But seriously! We have to go to Burger King tomorrow! I want those!” I brought my hands away from my ears and rolled my eyes. “Seriously? You know they’re just gonna taste like the regular, crappy chicken nuggets they sell. Maybe even worse.” Her eyes sparkled hopefully. “Maybe, but they’re dinosaur-shaped! DINOSAUR-SHAPED!” Her tail flicked back and forth and her wings twitched in anticipation of my reply. I mean… what else could I do? If I said ‘No,’ that’d practically be grounds for a break-up, and despite her strange, insatiable lust for processed chicken parts pressed into the shapes of her friends and family, I do love her. I let out a sigh. “I suppose we can go get BK Dino Nuggies-” Before I could even finish the sentence, she leapt towards me with a squeal of delight and wrapped both her arms and wings around me in an embrace, nearly toppling me out of my computer chair. And that was that. The contract was signed, the blood oath was sealed, and here we stand, gazing upon the off-white and nausea-inducing blue hues of the dilapidated structure that houses fryers, grills, and minimum-wage cucks. The shadow of a nearby power pole that rises a good seventy-five feet into the sky looms across the doorway, the crossed beams placing a large black “X” of darkness on the restaurant’s point of entry. Ominous as this feels, I pull open the door, graciously allowing my date to enter first. She accepts my gesture, dancing inwards on tip toes as she shakes her balled fists in front of herself and sings an enthusiastic song. “Dino nuggies, dino nuggies, boy do I love my dino nuggies! Crispy and sweet, crunchy and neat! Oh Em Gee’s, I love my dino nuggies!” I can’t do anything but roll my eyes and smile at her intoxicating excitement. As we enter the restaurant, we notice it’s rather barren; no other patrons are within, save for a little, old triceratops woman nursing a cup of coffee in the corner. She peers at us from behind her spectacles, no doubt judging Fang for her childish antics. We snake our way through the queueing bars and arrive at the register. A somewhat beefy pterodactyl man stands at the register, greeting us with a raspy “Welcome to Burger King,” as we approach. His plum-colored scales are wildly contrasted by his bright green crest and similar bright green stripes on his leathery wings. I also can’t help but notice he wears a gaudy gold chain around his neck; partially tucked into his uniform shirt as it is, I can’t imagine this is within company dress code. I lean forward, reading his name tag as I address him. “Hi there… ‘Kevin’. Uh, yeah, we’d like two orders of the BK Dino Nuggies, please.” Fang tugs on my sleeve. “Combos!” I glance at her, then back to Kevin. “Uh, sure. Combos.” The bleary-eyed cashier punches our order into his register before announcing the cost. I consider looking back at Fang again, seeing if she’ll ever offer to buy for me on one of our dates, but I know the drill by now. I fish out my wallet, pull out a few of the meager bills I have left, and fork them over to Kevin. He stuffs the bills into the register, scoops out a few coins as change, and slaps them on the counter. I glance down at the outstretched hand I had offered to accept the change, then to the coins that are strewn across the countertop, then to Kevin. He merely returns my look with an apathetic, almost disdainful one of his own. I don’t even know this guy and I already kind of think he’s an asshole. I collect my change as well as the two beverage cups we’ve been given as our food is prepared, opting to get myself some tasty orange soda while Fang goes for her tried and true cola. We sip at our drinks, Fang still excitedly bouncing up and down every once in a while as we wait for our number to be called. After a couple minutes, Kevin arrives once more at the counter, plopping our tray down with a lackadaisical thud. I raise an eyebrow at him which he does not acknowledge, simply turning back towards the interior of the kitchen. Whatever. No reason to get in a fight with this doofus today, there’s tasty saturated fat delights to enjoy with my qt ptero gf. I collect the tray and head to a nearby table with Fang dancing beside me, singing her dino nuggie song again. Just as we’re about to take our seats, she gets distracted by something and her eyes light up even further. I look at her with some confusion. “What is it?” She barrels towards the counter. “ONE SEC!” I watch her from over my shoulder, still half-holding the tray as she excitedly demands something of the tired employee. He rolls his eyes, bends over, then fetches the item Fang seeks, eliciting another excited squeal from her. She turns around and dances towards me once more, unfolding and fastening the paper cut-out item she was given. Oh, for Raptor Christ’s sake. With an amount of delight I’ve never seen her display before, she slides her newly-acquired Burger King crown over her crest, letting it perch just above her normal spiked headwear. She puts her hands to her hips and puffs out her chest in a display of authority very much becoming of a delusional high school senior with a fake crown on her noggin. “I am no longer Fang! You shall now refer to me as the Burger Queen! Ha ha ha!” She cackles in an unearned prideful manner. I shake my head in bewilderment, suddenly worried that I may be committing a felony if the woman with whom I’m involved isn’t the age she says she is. “Fang, what are you-” “SILENCE, WHELP! You do not know your place! Be the good vassal you are and fetch me my tribute!” “Your… tribute?” She looks at me with annoyance, breaking character. “My nuggies, you dweeb!” “Oh, oh… sure…” I set the tray between us as we take our seats, Fang continuing to puff out her chest in feigned superiority and produce gaudy laughs. I glance at the old woman in the corner who continues glaring at us with disapproval. Sorry, lady… my date’s the goofy ass one here. I pick up one of the sleeves of nuggies, peering inside to observe the greasy, mangled shapes that the commercial made look so appealing and actually dinosaur-like; I’m instead greeted by misshapen aberrations that an old, racist writer would dream up as beings of interdimensional madness, driving those who gaze upon them to instant insanity. Sighing, I pass one of the bags to Fang, and place the other in front of myself. Fang’s fake laughter suddenly stops. “... What are you doing?” I look up at her. “Huh?” She glances from me to the dino nuggies stationed before me. “I asked, what are you doing?” I follow her gaze, looking down at my dino nuggies “... What do you mean, ‘what am I doing’? I’m having lunch with you?” She shakes her head, all playfulness suddenly sapped from her voice. “No. What are you doing with those?” What the hell? I scrunch my nose. “What are you talking about, Fang?” She points at my lunch. “Those are mine.” I let a puff of air out of my nose in a small laugh. “Heh, okay, Fang.” She does not laugh. “I’m serious. Give those here.” I instinctively glance around the room, wondering if I’m being pranked. “What the fuck?” Her voice has a sudden, icy authority to it. “Anon. Give those here.” I’m beyond bewildered now. “Fang, what the fuck are you on about? This is my lunch. You have your own.” I point to the nuggies in front of her. She doesn’t look at them, instead remaining laser focused on the ones in front of me. Her eyes flash. I know her intention before her hand fires out towards my nuggies; my reaction time is quicker and I snatch them up before she can, holding them close to my chest. She looks up at me with growing rage. “ANON. GIVE. THOSE. TO. ME. NOW!” I curl my lip. “Fang, if this is a bit, you’ve taken it too far. This isn’t funny. Settle down and leave my lunch alone, I’m hungry.” She slaps her hands on the table and flies to her feet, staring at me with incredible intensity. She practically shouts, “ANON, GIVE ME THOSE FUCKING DINO NUGGIES OR I SWEAR TO GOD-” Yeah, nah, I’m done with this game. Maintaining eye contact with her and wearing a smug expression, I withdraw one of the dino nuggies and plop it into my mouth. Fang’s jaw drops open as I chew the oil-crusted abomination to a fine mush and swallow, entirely unimpressed by the overly salty, greasy, over-processed flavor. Just as I thought, they’re not even as good as the regular nuggets. Fang’s lower lip quivers and her eye twitches uncontrollably. I don’t release eye contact, allowing a shit-eating grin to tug at the sides of my mouth as I insert another dinosaur-shaped monstrosity and pulverize it with my teeth. She slumps into her chair, finally looking away from me as she stares at the table between us, her eyes darting back and forth as she tries to decode what just happened. I lean forward, putting an elbow on the table as I address her. “You were saying?” “I… I can’t believe… you’d do this..” I smirk. “Skill issue.” Her eyes slowly rise to meet mine again. She’s… wait, what the fuck? She’s crying?! She takes a sharp breath, her voice hitching in her throat. “How… how could you?!” I balk. “Fang, what the actual fuck?” She recoils away from me as I extend a hand. “Get away from me!” “Fang, what is wrong with you?! They’re literally just dinosaur chicken nuggets! Look, if you want more than you’ve got, I’ll go buy you another order!” She grasps the sides of her head as she looks around frantically. “I can’t believe this is happening. Oh my God, I can’t believe this.” I stand up. “Fang!” She screams, recoiling away from me as though I’m about to strike her. I’m nowhere near her, still separated by the table, but all the same, this looks bad. How the fuck did this happen?! I put my hands up in a reassuring manner, trying to calm her down, but she keeps shaking her head and shrinking into her chair as though I’m a psycho killer coming at her with a knife. Before I can open my mouth again, another figure appears at the table. “Excuse me, folks, is there a problem here?” The goddamn cashier from before is back, this time looking less bleary-eyed and more like he’s finally found his calling as a brave hero who steps in to break up a domestic abuse incident in his restaurant. Maybe he’ll get an article written about him in the fucking papers, who knows at this point. Fang cries out in terror, continuing to recoil away from me. I turn to the cashier. “Look, Kevin. This is none of your business. I’m trying to deal with a psychotic girlfriend right now.” His eyes flash at me and he flexes his muscles. This guy’s no brick shithouse but he could probably snap me in half with relative ease. He extends his wings outward in a flashy display of intimidation. “It seems like the nice lady here doesn’t want you around.” I roll my eyes. “Kevin, kindly fuck off. Let me handle this.” He takes a step towards me as though he’s about to throw hands, but instead simply speaks. “I’m gonna call the cops.” Fang suddenly flies to her feet, pointing an accusatory finger at me. “YES! CALL THE COPS ON THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!” I take a step back. “Fang, what the FUCK?!” She steps closer, still jabbing a finger at me as she screams. “YOU FUCKING APE! YOU TROGLODYTE! YOU… YOU FUCKING SKINNIE!” The paper crown rattles around on her crest as her head shakes with each vitriolic insult she hurls at me. I lunge forward, grabbing Fang by the shoulders as I try to shake some sense into her. She screams, flailing her arms at me in an attempt to fend me off. Her claws slide across my arms and chest, tearing some pieces of my shirt away and delivering some nasty scratches on my flesh. “FANG! CALM DOWN!” She continues shrieking at me before Kevin steps in, violently pushing me backwards. I trip over a chair and collapse to the ground, feeling a sharp pain in my tailbone as I watch Fang dart out the front door, tears streaming from her eyes. Kevin looms over me. “You stay there, I’m calling the cops.” The moment he turns towards the kitchen, I’m on my feet and racing out the front door. I hear him shout after me, but I’m already in the open. The sunlight blinds me for a moment but I shake it off, desperately looking around for the direction in which Fang ran. I don’t see her. Where did she go?! I dart to the sidewalk, looking both ways down the stretch of road. All I see are the regular stream of cars going to and fro, enjoying the peaceful Saturday that turned into a waking nightmare for me. Please, Fang. All this, over some stupid fucking dino nuggies?! All I can think to do is pull out my phone and call her. I know she won’t answer, but maybe… In the distance, I hear a familiar ring tone. I rapidly spin around, trying to pinpoint its location. I run forward several yards, hearing it get closer, before I realize… … it’s above me? I look up, and my heart drops. Climbing the power pole that so ominously loomed over the restaurant, I see the distant figure of the pterodactyl I love. She’s already near the top, with only a few rungs to go. As she climbs over the topmost metal-thatched ledge, her cell phone falls from her back pocket, plummeting the seventy-five feet back down to the hard concrete below where it explodes in a shower of plastic and circuits. The ring tone it had been happily emitting only a moment before was suddenly and violently snuffed out. She stands at the top of the power pole and looks down. I start screaming. “FANG! OH MY GOD, FANG! GET DOWN FROM THERE!” She doesn’t hear me. She doesn’t see me. She lifts her head, closes her eyes and extends her arms out to her sides. “FANG, PLEASE! GOD, NO! FANG!” She leans forward, her feet leaving the edge of the platform. — “FANG! DON’T JUMP!” I scream as I lurch forward, sweat pouring from my brow. “A-Anon? I’m right here!” Fang reassures me as she grabs my arm from next to me in my bed. I spin around to her, my heart nearly beating out of my chest. “FANG! FANG, OH MY GOD!” I lunge forward, wrapping my arms around her in a tight embrace as tears start falling from my eyes. “Anon! It’s okay! I’m here! It was just a bad dream.” She returns my embrace, gently rubbing my back as I sob into her shoulder. After a moment, I straighten up, wiping my eyes with my wrists to clear away the tears. “Geez… this is embarrassing…” She shakes her head. “It’s okay, Anon. I won’t think less of you for a bad dream.” She glances away, then back to me with a smile. “If you got that worked up about something bad happening to me, it must mean you really love me, huh?” I chuckle, my voice still catching in my throat from the residual emotions. “Heh. Y-yeah. It was awful… I thought I had lost you…” She leans forward and kisses my forehead. “Well, you’re not getting off the hook that easily. You still owe me lunch today!” I cock my head. “L-Lunch?” “Don’t you remember? You told me you were gonna take me to Burger King for their new BK Dino Nuggies today!” She glances at the clock next to the bed. “In fact, it’s already almost noon, so get up and get dressed, we’ve got a date!” I stare at her with an open mouth as she climbs out of bed and heads to the bathroom, singing her dino nuggie song: “Dino nuggies, dino nuggies, boy do I love my dino nuggies! Crispy and sweet, crunchy and neat! Oh Em Gee’s, I love my dino nuggies!” … I think I’m gonna get a Whopper, instead. [POST-NOTES] Special thanks to LYOHA for the initial inspiration for this short story, and to Buff_Puff and HyperGooch for further ideas. Additional thanks to the rest of the chucklefucks on the Snoot Club Discord server for making it a wonderful place to be. Love you, snoot bros!