Title: Reed Gets Probed
Status: Complete
Characters: Anon, Reed, Naser, Fang
Rating: SFW
Classification: One-Shot 
Author: Fockstrot
Summary: A panicking Reed confronts Anon about a horrifying encounter, unfortunately he wasn't sober at the time and struggles to remember.

Saturday afternoon, the end of the school year is creeping up fast, so I try to enjoy what time I can with Fang and the others. Fang was seated at the base of my bed, legs crossed, looking down to the phone in her hands. She had stayed the night last night, I don't know if her dad still believes she's been staying with Naomi, but as long as he isn't breaking my door down, I think we're good.
BAM BAM BAM
The door shook with every strike. "Anon... Did you pay the rent?"
BAM BAM BAM
"My d-" … "Yeah, duh." I know I’m poor, and so does she, but I don’t need to tell her that I don’t pay my own rent.
BAM BAM BAM
"Maybe it’s that carfe-head we saw on the sidewalk." Fang mumbled, snickering before she returned to her phone, typing quickly.
"No way. He's chill." Although he did threaten to stab me when I was moving in.
"Bro, it's me!" He paused. "Reed!"
What the fuck. I jump to the door, stepping over Fangs’ lap, and RAYmba Mk. II. unlocking, unbolting and unlocking.
"Reed? How do you know where I live?" Reed enters, pushing me to the side as he closed the door behind himself. He looks petrified. "Bro, Fang, dude..." He pants, "I was like, abducted, man!"
“Abducted? Like, by aliens?” My questions fell on deaf, questionably sober ears as Reed stepped around the crossed legs of the ptera sitting on the ground. Reed fiddled with the blinds to my window, leaning over my desk to haphazardly close my blinds.

Reed held his head within his hands, sighing quietly, either catching his breath or trying to think straight. I couldn’t help but check the blurry peephole to my door, making sure my neighbors weren’t searching for the source of the noise.
“Okay, Reed. Tell us what happened.” An annoyed smirk crept across Fangs’ face, like this was a common occurrence for the high-functioning raptor, at least she was trying to be supportive(?).
Reed wasn’t quite in hysterics, but his usual demeanor of laid-back didn’t mesh well with his newfound paranoia.
“So, like… I was out last night, I borrowed the King Rex mascot, to go like, y’know. Enjoy nature, and stuff.” His gaze shifted to the ceiling as he struggled to recall anything of value. “And, uh… There were lights? And I got taken away… And then I woke up at home!”
Being the good Raptor Jesus Fearing Anon I am, I never really dealt with… These kinds of scenarios. I stuffed my pockets with my only two hands, and looked at the ground-laden, monochrome snoot. Fang. She was almost entirely tuned out, it looked like she was watching a Yousnoot video now, with faint guitar sounds emanating from her phones’ tinny speaker.
Fang glanced at me, her eyes tired, as if to say ‘You’re on your own. I’ve dealt with this shit before. Your turn.’ Babysitting. Cool.

 

Groaning, I wipe my eyes, and engage with the raptor’s claims.
“Okay. Reed. Do you remember Anything else? Did they do anything to you? Where was this?... Why did you have the mascot?” My light barrage of questioning was almost too much for him to handle.
“It’s not, bro… I’m just thinking.” He continued to think. “So, well, I was out, enjoyin’ nature up in the woods, with King Rex…”
“Enjoying nature?” It was probably exactly what I thought it was.
“It is, dude.” Reed smiled, pointing finger guns at me. “And it was late… Like, super late. And then, ‘fore I knew it, I was like… out of the mascot, and restrained, and then I saw a bunch of lights, and then I totally passed… Then I woke up on my couch!”
“Uh huh. So you don’t have the King Rex mascot?” Before I could finish the entire sentence, Reed was shaking his head no, overly… vigorously.

The death-on-sight glare of Principal Spears finding out that the mascot was missing was, well, frightening. My stomach curled in on itself, and Spears probably wouldn’t buy the whole… this.
“Okay, fuck. Do you remember Where this happened?” I was trying my best to appear supportive for Reed, but Raptor Jesus and Dino-God damn it. Reed could mention me in his story and then I’d get lumped in with having to pay for a new mascot. Or even more extracurricular activities.
Reed looked like his head was empty, no thoughts, for a good ten seconds. “We’d have to go like, drive around and… I’d rem’ber.”
“Wait, what were you doing up until now? You said you woke up on your couch, it's almost four already.” Instinctively, I pull out my phone to double-check.
“Yeah, I woke up and drove here, dude!”
“You just woke up?”
“Heavy sleeper, amigo.” Reed awkwardly forces an eye to shut, slowly winking.
“Okay, we’ll just take your van-'' That's right, his van is a Geneva convention-warcrime on wheels. “Naser can probably drive us, yeah? Strength in-”
“Threes? Yeahhh…” Reed slowly pinched the bottom of his elongated snout, “Nasers like… Athletic! He could totally fight off aliens-” Reed began to rant about Naser defeating aliens, stealing their technology, selling it or using it to break into some military base.

While the raptor began pitching a script about fighting aliens, I slowly peeked at my phone, nodding, and occasionally obligated eye-contact while I began to text Naser.

 

Me: nasal, are you busy
Me: Nasal*
Me: Nassau*
Nasa: Dude
Me: its autocorrect
Nasa: What’s up?
Me: reed situation
Nasa: How bad?
Me: how much does a mascot cost
Nasa: What do you want
Me: im not riding in the cheech and chong tribute van to go look for it
Nasa: I’m not parking in Skin Row.
Me: meet you nearby?
Nasa: :thumbsup:

Slowly, in between his gasps for air while reenacting air punches, I coerced the somewhat lucid raptor to follow me just outside of Skin Row, at a bus stop where I typically met Naser.
Tire screeching and honks could be heard from a few blocks down, Naser was getting close. Closer and closer, as he slammed on the brakes in front of us, rolling down the windows, blaring POWER by Kanyesaurus over busted speakers.
“I’m not paying a toll.” I said, sliding into the front seat of the neglected, budget sports car.
“Funnier every time, Anon.” Naser gripped the wheel.
“Reed thought it was funny.”
“Reed is laughing at the seatbelt. Again.” I craned my neck to get a look, he was indeed chuckling at the seatbelt. What the fuck.

Slowly seemed to be the theme with Reed, like pulling teeth we finally get a general area to search. A bit of drive up behind Volcano High. Thankfully, it was quiet. Reed finally forgot about the seatbelt he was wearing and began to look at his phone, occasionally distracted by a billboard or advertisements on the side of buses.
The roads began to wind as we passed fancier housing, the rich part of town above the peasants such as myself, and beyond that, the road began to show its age. Cracked pavement and wooden streetlamps, and then none at all.
Reed pulled himself between the driver and passenger seats, “It’s about another two miles down this road.” before falling back to his seat, almost comatose.
Another slow, two miles pass before we finally reach the entrance to a clearing. The golden sun setting over the distant treeline turned the greenery into a dull orange, with a purple hue cascading above it. It is hard to remember to enjoy life, and I’m glad here with friends, but then the reason behind it sets in. The image of a caveman punting me into a football goal post with a loud metallic ring echoing across the field did rather occupy my mind.
“This look familiar, Reed?” … “Reed.” I twisted my body to smack the leg of the sleeping Reed.
“Yeah! This is the spot!” He shouted, without hesitation as he opened the door. I was almost surprised Naser didn’t have the child locks on.
Immediately the pink raptor began to fiddle with a joint.
“Nuh uh! No way, not near the NasCar!” Naser shouted, “Reed!” closing his door before shutting Reed’s, and slowly shoving the oblivious carnivore away from his prized obsession possession.
“Relax, brah…” Each word floated through the air in a light smoke. “It’s just so I can remember easily-er.” He held his suspicious and most likely illegal substance between two fingers, embers glowing dimly. As he began to walk through the treeline, twigs and branches began to snap under each step.

“Haven’t actually been to the woods out here before. Used to back home. Swinging branches around until they broke.” I paused. “Surprised he isn’t paranoid about the aliens or some shit.”
Naser was leaning against the NasCar, but the mention of aliens seems to have piqued his interest. “Aliens? Like, the grays?”
“Reed didn’t get into specifics of physical appearance, but uh, maybe? Why?”
Naser began to fiddle with the car keys. “Ffffffuck.” He groaned, rubbing the bridge of his snout.
“Reed said he was abducted by aliens last night, I didn’t tell you? He said they took him out of the King Rex mascot and took him aboard their ship. Or something.” I kicked a rock off the road, before looking back up at Naser.
“Nnng..” Naser gritted his teeth, “Look, Anon. I hate saying this, and I will finish the job that the bollard couldn’t if you tell anyone-” Naser stood up from his lean, and began looking for a rock to kick as well. “Fuck- I saw the Signs when I was a kid, and that fucked me up. I fucking hate aliens, anon.”
“Signs? Is that the one with that anti-rhinoretic actor?”
Naser nodded, before rubbing a spot on the NasCar where he had leaned previously.

“‘NON! NASA! FUCK!” The drugged dromaeosaurid was sprinting from the underbrush, still holding his joint. Between his bouts of panting, he took another hit. With another deep breath, he rested his hands on his knees, before pointing back to the forest. “Body, bro! I- There’s a fucking body!”

Fight or Flight mode, and brother, I really wish I was a fucking bird.

Naser swung the door to the NasCar wide open, and in record time was already fastening his seatbelt.
“Fuck this, fuck all of it. Nope. Get in or you’re walking.” The engine began to whir, before finally kicking to life.

“Raptor Jesus, Naser. At least let me check. Give me like, five minutes. If we’re not back, then-” There’s no way these triggas seen Archaeopteryx Ventura: Dino Detective, I won’t waste my breath referencing if, especially if I might have to run back.
Having to be the brave one, I marched into the thicket of shrubs and sticks, the light quickly fading. The hairs on my neck stood up, the air grew colder, each step more uncertain than the last.
Occasionally glancing back to make sure the NasCar was still ready to go, with a terrified ptero rapidly scanning his surroundings, and the raptor almost in step with me, barely a foot behind.

“It’s right- Right there, bro!” Reed gripped my shoulder, ducking behind my back as he pointed to a shrub, using the opposite shoulder as a support.
For such an apex predator, he sure is scared easily. Slowly, one step after the other, I approached the accused greenery. The air was crushingly silent, every branch that cracked got me more ready to book it back to the Dino-God’s blessed sunlight.

I slowly peer over the bush.

The faded blue body with yellow accents lay strewn across the forest floor, slashed, skin caught in the thorns of a blackberry bush. Wait a second. Reed you fucking moron.
“What?”
“It’s fucking King Rex.”
Reed slowly creeps up from behind, using me as cover once again, which is short lived as I step around the shrub, lifting up the deflated mascot. It’s weighed down with what I assume is Reed’s personal belongings.
“But, the aliens! They could still be out here, bro!”
“Reed. If aliens existed, they wouldn't travel thousands of lightyears to kidnap a stoner. No offense.” But some intended. I began to pull the partially tattered mascot out from the bushes, tearing as it slowly succumbed to the thorns.
Reed twiddled his fingers, trying to justify what he may or may not have remembered. Leaning back up, I called out to the paranoid puh-tero. “Nasal! It’s not a body! Get over here!”
Returning to the ‘corpse’, I hear the slam of the car door, and the encroaching crunching of leaves and twigs.

“What, ahh- What was it?” Nasers’ voice trembles, until his gaze finally fell upon the carcass of King Rex. “The mascot! How? Reed- You- What about the aliens?”

…
The mascot is stuck, in the middle of nowhere, a leg caught by the barbs of a blackberry bush, Reed said he was >enjoying nature, I can hear the clinking of glass and rummaging of baggies.

 

Calculations, running through my mind. Simulations, hypotheses, the lifestyle of a stoned raptor…

“Anon?”
“You good, amigo? You’ve been staring at a tree for like… a minute…”
“Reed. Check your phone.” My tug of war with nature was paused, if only for a little bit.
“Yeah… I still have my phone bro…” Reed flashed his phone at me, even in the slight darkness, I can still see the damage from him having dropped it countless times.
“Check your recent calls, Reed.”
“Uh.. I tried calling you like.. Three times, but someone else kept picking up…” Reed slowly dragged his finger across his phones’ screen.
“I never gave you my number, Reed. Keep going.” I rubbed my temples, and Naser was more confused than scared at this point.
“This one is just like, numbers…”
“What numbers?”
“It looks like a… upside down six, and eleven?”
Naser followed suit, hiding his agony with his hands.
“What, bro? Y’think like, aliens put it there?”
“You called Nine-one-one, Reed. You got stuck out here last night, tried to call me, and then you called nine-one-one. They cut you out of the suit and took you home. I’m surprised they didn’t drug test you.”

 

Naser was mentally checked out, but not as much as the doped-dromaeosaur.

“At least the mascot is.. Fixable?” Naser smiled halfheartedly. But like the caveman I am, I began to yank at the arms of the deflated dino. Ripping it even more so than before.
“A-Anon! School property! It’s-” The sound of threads snapping cut him off. “SCHOOL! PROPERTY!” He desperately scrambled to delicately untangle the vines, slapping my hands away.
“Ffffff.. If Principle Spears sees the school mascot in.. shreds-!” Naser was already fully accepting the stress of a new personal crisis. And if I had less sympathy, I would have probably let him, but… Naser’s a bro.
“Naser! Chill! Maybe… Your mom knows how to sew?”
That seemed to have given him some mental respite.
“Yeah… But fuck, this thing wreaks of… Reed… How would I explain it to Dad?” Reed shrugged. I shrugged.
“...Don’t?”

Naser’s eyes looked for the back of his skull, but eventually he finally untangled the body of the beloved mascot from the clutches of mother nature, and like a cheesy Mafia movie, we all took one last glance before it was hidden in the trunk of the NasCar.
With a mission well done, we returned to our seats, doors slammed close, seatbelts safely fastened- At least as safe as one could, with Naser driving, and the return trip began as the sun finally set on Volcadera Bluffs.

“So when we get back, do you guys wanna play UNO really quick and I can make that my upload on Yousnoot tonight?” I asked, resting my arm on the door, poking my head out to feel the quickly cooling breeze.
“I don’t have UNO, so go fuck off.” Reed was quick to respond, although muttering his words while staring at the partial silhouettes of the passing trees.
“Everyone has UNO, dipshit. It came free with your fucking Xrox.” My body was entirely back inside the NasCar, having twisted around to face Reed.
“I didn’t get it, I have the oldest Xrox known to man.”

This argument lasted the entire ride back to the outskirts of Skin Row.

 

ENDING 1 OF 1: Reed didn’t get probed.