Inco surveyed the scene before him with a satisfied smile. The snacks? All laid out before him and the rest of the group, check. The lights? All turned off bar one directly above the table for maximum mood lighting, check. DM screen with session notes set up, dice arrayed from smallest to largest, and pens and pencils with spares on hand?

 

Check, check, check.

 

Oh yeah, it was all coming together.

 

Inco glanced over at the clock on the dining room wall. Seven PM—well, he thought it was anyway. Truth be told, it was actually kind of hard to make it out in the dark of the room. Maybe he should have set the lights AFTER they had started. Oh well, it's too late now, he reasoned. It was either seven, coming to it, or already passed it.

 

Might as well get started.

 

"So!" Inco announced, clapping his hands together as he stood up at the end of the table. "I’d like to start by thanking you all for joining my Dungeons & Dinos campaign this fine Friday night." His words were met with a round of cheerful acknowledgement and smiling faces from the assembled party, all except one at least, who simply scowled quietly at him with folded arms. Inco tried his best to ignore the deathly glare coming his way from that particular player. "So, I assume none of you have played a TTRPG before—well, none of you save for Ben." He gestured out to the smiling blue Parasaurolophus who nodded. "Well, you lot don’t need to worry; we’ll do things slowly and learn mechanics as we go. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me or Ben."

 

"Now I had a little intro planned out." The human remarked, glancing down at the first page of his notes and the huge wall of text he had scribbled the night before. "It was very, uh, you know, kind of cliché. Oh welcome, we’re going to do this and that and hope you all have fun, but-but." He waved his hand dismissively. "Rereading it, it’s a little embarrassing sounding, so I’m just gonna skip it. I’ve already told you all before that it’s going to be something a little short, and if we all enjoy it, maybe we can carry it on and expand the campaign a bit more or swap to a different system if people want to mix things up." Ben's eyes seemed to brighten at those words, and he opened his mouth as if to speak before being waylaid by the human’s hand. No, Ben, we’ve talked about this. I’m not running Lookfinder. You think Damien can manage with all those numbers?"

The two looked over at the Dilophosaurus at the end of the table closest to Inco. There he sat, staring at his phone screen with a bemused smile on his face. From his phone came the sound of a cat meowing before a sudden smashing noise, like glass breaking, followed by several voices shouting. Damien absentmindedly chortled to himself at whatever spectacle was playing out on his screen. Inco and Ben shared a look with one another before the blue dino let out a resigned sigh. "Fair point." He muttered quietly.

 

Inco coughed loudly in his attempt to get things back on track before Damien finds another cat video. The noise snapped the phone-toting dino to attention. "Anywho, I think it’s time we get started, eh? So, without further ado, let’s introduce our characters. Hmmm, Liz. How about you start?"

 

The female Brachiosaurus nodded from high above, lowering her down to be level with the rest of the players. "Hi, my character is called Selia Mystweaver; that’s with a Y, by the way, Mage." She beamed. When Inco first asked if she wanted to join, she seemed hesitant at first, but when it was explained that she could play anything she wanted AND numbers were involved, it seemed to win her over. She was the first (and only other person aside from Ben) to get back to him with her character sheet completed. Her stats, items, background, and feats were all ‘perfectly chosen for the most optimal build, apparently. She clearly put the effort in, and Inco was happy to see it. He just felt a little nervous about how she was going to approach the game. She seemed very stat and mechanics-focused, more so than anything else. "Dino for my race, obviously." She continued. "Though I wish the system was a bit more detailed and had actual differences for what species you are rather than just a single catch-all stat block for playing a dino."

"Yeah… That’s actually one of the complaints people have about this system. You know, the older editions did actually have variants, but they removed them for streamlining. Because apparently that’s what people wanted? I guess?" Inco shrugged. It felt like every year, Grugs by the Sea made the game worse and worse with their efforts to streamline it for mass appeal. It was quite sad watching it slowly die via a thousand cuts, but that was a rant for another day. " But yeah, Selia Mistweaver-"

 

"With a Y."

 

"With a Y, sure. Selia Mystweaver, the Mage Cool cool." Inco rubbed his hands together as he moved onto the next player. Okay, Damien, let’s see what you have." Ben mentioned to him that he had to help Damien make the character with something about ‘several sets of dice going missing every time he rolled.’ Whatever that meant. Still, he was interested in what the enthusiastic Dilophosaurus had rolled up. Though he and Inco had come to blows a few times over him not being given a bunch of special starting equipment. Well, some of it was equipment; others were just straight-up servants, so to speak. The boy was persistent in his begging though and Inco almost caved more than once; it got so aggravating.

 

For his part, Damien took hold of a pencil and held it a lot as if it were a sword, the lad striking an almost gallant-looking figure looking up directly into the overhead light, chest puffed up. He might even pass for a hero if not for the fact that he was wearing a checked shirt and jeans. Though it seemed to still have an effect on Liz, who eyed him with barely contained admiration. Least Inco hoped it was admiration. "Thou may knoweth me as good Ser Damien!" Oh, Inco did not like how he was talking. Was he going to be like that the entire game?

 

Ben raised an inquisitive eyebrow. "You named yourself…after yourself?"

 

"Ser Damien….Galad…"

 

"Damien Galad? You couldn’t-" Ben spoke again before being spoken over.

 

"Gawyn…Cauthon…Frazn…Bellmont Abnur Daemon Daeran Gaius Van Mackensen! An honourableth-ist knight of House Connington, dedicated to yonder virtues of chivalry, justice, and mine own knightly oaths!" Crap, Inco thought. He really was going to be like that the entire game. Great.

 

"Alright then, Dami-ah, Ser Damien... Galad Gawyn Cauthon Franz Bellmont Abnur Daemon Daeran Gaius Van Mackenson. God, how did I remember all that?" The human muttered quietly under his breath. "What class are you playing exactly, that you seem to be really fluffing up as a knight? Not that there’s anything wrong with that." So long as he doesn’t make those requests again.

 

Damien looked at Inco before staring straight down at his sheet of paper. He kept looking at it for a good ten, maybe fifteen seconds before turning back up to face the DM. "Fighter." He blurted out, sounding a bit unsure himself.

 

"Wonderful. Fighter, nice and easy. I think you’ll enjoy it, especially if you’re running it like some mediaeval knight. Onto Ben, what-"

 

"Oh, I’m also playing a human."

 

That seemed to get everyone’s attention. Even the moody one scowling on the opposite side of Inco seemed a bit surprised by that. "You’re playing a human, Damien?" Ben asked with surprise clearly on his face. "Why? Not that there’s anything wrong with playing humans." Inco was sure he darted a glance his way for a split second. "It just seems a bit, well, surprising."

 

Damien gazed around awkwardly at all the people staring at him and shrugged. Well, I mean... All the books and movies I’ve seen with knights and stuff…they were all human. I’ve never really thought about it, but yeah, whenever I think of a knight in all that armour, riding a big horse, and swinging a sword, I think of a human. Also, now that I think about it, the tails would make riding the horse pretty difficult too, ya know?" Then his somewhat quizzical expression changed to one of pure joy as he shot everyone a toothy grin. "And besides! We can play anything we want. I think being a human could be fun! If that’s okay with you, Mr. DM." He looked sheepishly over at Inco for approval.

 

"Yeah, sure man." Inco smiled, waving his hand. "By all means, it’s your character; you play them how you want. You wanna be a human knight? Go right ahead my guy." That earned him an excited smile as the dino thrust his mighty pencil about an inch higher towards the heavens. Inco couldn’t help but smile at his enthusiasm. It was kind of adorable in a childish way. He could already tell Damien was going to have a lot of fun with the roleplay aspect.

 

"Next up is our resident veteran player, Ben." The blue-jacketed human tried to put some flair into his words and shot Ben some flashy jazz hands, but he just ended up looking like an idiot. Still, the Parasaurolophus seemed to appreciate the gesture at least and smiled reassuringly as he pulled his sheet in close with a finger and adjusted his glasses.

 

"Greetings. I will be playing Gareth Brightsoul-"

 

"Brightsoul?" The figure next to him snickered.

 

He let out a sigh, shooting them a deadpan glance as if to say he didn’t care what they thought. Though Inco was sure it was just an act. "Ahem." He coughed loudly. "Yes. Gareth Brightsoul. Dinosaur, it goes without saying, and I will be playing a cleric of the Goddess of Light, Theleria. You don’t have to worry; you’re all in safe hands with me." He sounded proud and a little pompous. Only time would tell if he could back up his haughty attitude.

 

"Hark! A Godly man of the cloth. Well met, young cleric of yonder life and light. Together mine and thy shall be the laws of the land, and bringest justice to the peasant folk, and smite the wicked!" Damien exclaimed, leaning across the table to shake Ben’s hand. The two met in the middle, shaking and grinning like idiots at one another. Well, at least they were having fun, Inco reasoned. The peasant folk comment was a bit weird, but he just chalked that up to Damien being Damien—or should he say Ser Damien?

 

Finally, Inco turned to look at the final member of this merry band and began to introduce- "Gareth Brightsoul comes from a well-to-do noble family." Ben said to the rest of the group before the human had a chance to get a word out. "Quite wealthy, but also pious. When he was young, you see, he felt a deep connection with his faith ever since he had a dream. He doesn’t like to talk about it, preferring to keep to himself, but in that dream he saw the Goddes Theleria herself, telling him he was destined to be her champion. Ever since that day, Gareth worked hard to-"

 

"And last but not least…" Inco cut in, talking over Damien before he could continue his long backstory that no one actually cared about. The blue Parasaurolophus seemed to deflate in his chair, slinking down in dejection. This was probably for the best. "Our last member of the group…Mia." He said the name with some awkwardness. The red dino sat there, half slouching in her chair, arms folded, scowling at him. Scowling hard.

Mia just sat there, silently staring at him.

 

"You wanna, uh, introduce yourself, Mia?" Inco asked, holding a hand up towards her as if to give her a chance to start talking. She was going to be difficult; he knew she was, but unfortunately, he needed a fourth player. How he wished Olivia had joined, but she just laughed and wheeled away when he offered her the spot in the campaign. Stupid Gator, he thought.

 

For her part, Mia seemed to slip down her chair a little, rolling her head back. "Euuuugh….Do I have to?" She groaned, staring up at the ceiling. Yup. Difficult.

 

"You do if you want to play." Inco insisted before scratching the back of his head in puzzlement. "Why did you want to join anyway? With all due respect, Mia, this doesn’t feel like, well…your kind of thing." It was so surreal when Ben first came up to him and told him he had found a fourth player for the group. Only to be told it was Mia. In all honesty, Inco figured Ben probably blackmailed or had a favour over her, or something. He never did actually ask how he managed to rope her in.

 

"Because." She muttered, elongating the word through gritted teeth. "My skank of a cousin is in town staying over, and I'm sure as shit not hanging around there while she is." Her words dripped with venom with every syllable. Whoever this ‘skank’ is, Mia was clearly not fond of her, regardless of family ties.

 

Oh, hey, I think I met her when I walked past your place the other day. Blonde? Glasses? Haha, yeah, she was super nice." He smiled. "She asked me if there was anything to do in town while she was here. She smelled of peaches, which I thought was a little weird... but yeah, she was super bubbly." Liz glared down at him from on high.

 

"Oh yeah, she’s ‘nice’ alright." Mia smiled mirthlessly. "She comes across as your best friend from the moment you meet her. Feh." She threw a hand out, almost clipping Ben across the side of his head. "It’s all an act. She’s a psychopath, clear and simple." Inco raised an eyebrow, wondering if she saw the irony in the words. Thank goodness the shades hide it, though, or there was a real risk he’d be chocking on a fistful of dice right about now. "Aaaanyway. If you’re wondering why I’m playing, SOMEBODY described this as some cool ultra-violent thing where I get to cleave people in half and steal any shit I want." She shot Ben a murderous look as she continued through gritted teeth. "And somebody made it sound like you were all playing a videogame. So, I thought I’d join and have some fun. Looks like I was lied to. I won’t forget that." She muttered that last part as Ben began to stare dead ahead, sweating nervously, trying to ignore her nails digging into the tabletop.

 

"Oookay…that’s fair. Well, we’re happy to have you aboard for Dungeons & Dinos. Who knows. Maybe you’ll even enjoy it." Inco said reassuringly. Damien, for his part, seemed to nod vehemently at this, while Liz looked somewhat unsure, sharing glances between Mia and the DM. "So, who will you be playing for this adventure, then, Mia?"

 

She glanced down at her sheet before looking up at him. "Barbarian." He almost forgot that Ben had helped her make her sheet like he did with Damien, though something told Inco that it was more along the lines of ‘made for’ rather than ‘helped.’ He suspected she had little input in the character creation process. By her own choice, he was no doubt sure.

 

"Do…do you have a name?"

 

"Euuuugh, no one talked about names. I dunno, Steve? Kevin? That good enough for you, Mr. DM?" Her mocking tone was evident.

 

Ben leaned in, holding his phone. "Don’t worry, Mia. I uh, I always have a fantasy character name generator on hand for just such an occasion."

 

"Dweeb" she muttered quietly.

 

He held his phone up for her to read the screen. Inco couldn’t make anything out, but he saw a lot of blue on the screen…Hey, wait, he knew that website! Mia squinted, her eyes narrowing as she read the tiny text off the phone. "Marneus Calgar." She read aloud. Ben quickly pulled the phone back in a panic.

 

Haha, whoops, wrong settings. Sorry about that. Lemme just switch it to fantasy….You know, I’m surprised you even pronounced that correctly. Impressive." The look she gave him screamed bloody murder. "Uh a-anyway! Here, try this one instead. Better suited, I think."

 

She peeled her death glare away from him and squinted once more at the phone. "Haydeth Bloodaxe." She smiled. She grinned. A grin that made Inco feel uneasy. "Yeah, that can work. Haydeth Bloodaxe." She repeated, musing on the name. "I like it. Gets the point across that I’m gonna kill you with my axe." Her gin widened in a way that Inco could only describe as vicious. "The names Haydeth Bloodaxe. Barbarian. I’m here to kill and loot, and I don’t give a fuck about what else."

 

Liz, Inco, and Ben all shared a look of apprehension with one another. "Forsooth! Welcome to our valiant company, O’mighty Haydeth! May thy axe be forever coated in the crimson of those who stand for injustice and... and... uh, oh, villainy! May thou serve as a mighty bulwark against our foes and use thy strength for justice to protect the weak!" Well, at least Damien seemed to be taking it in his stride.

 

Mia only sat there grinning, chuckling to herself, a mischievous glint in her eye. "Heh heh, sure thing pal."

 

Oh boy.

 

"Well, with introductions out of the way, I think we best get started. So-"

 

"Mr. DM! Mr. DM!" Damien shouted, holding his hand up and waving it about as if trying to get the humans attention. He reminded Inco of a schoolchild behaving like that…from the 2nd Grade. With a sigh, the human gestured a hand towards the red dino.

 

"Yeah, Damien? What’s wrong? Also, you don’t need to put your hand up like that. Just talk loudly and clearly, and it should be fine." Of course, he had to worry about people talking over one another, though considering the group, he felt as though it was only Mia and Damien who might pose that risk. He couldn’t imagine Ben or Liz screaming over each other to get their words in. He suppressed a shudder, thinking back to a game he ran some years ago with some old human friends. No one could get anything done with them all talking and screeching over each other, vying for his attention. Dark days they were.

 

"Liz is cheating!" He blurted out, bringing up an accusatory finger towards the Brachiosaurus. Her head spun with a wide-eyed glare down at him. Inco couldn’t pinpoint it exactly, but it was the look of mortification and pure cold anger all wrapped into one. Hell, he never knew her eyes could get so wide, like bright white saucer dishes on her face and tiny dots of colour in the centre.

 

"Me? Cheat? A-Absurd! I’ve done no such thing!" She squawked defensively, slamming her hands down on the table in front of her…and very slowly dragging her dice back towards her, cupped under the flat of her hands. "That is ridiculous! I haven’t cheated ye-" she coughed. "At all! Ever! And I never would!" Her cheeks were flushing with embarrassment now. Clearly, she wasn’t taking it well.

 

"Uh-huh!" Damien said… grunted... made the noise? Nodding enthusiastically, his finger still held up towards her as he turned to face Inco. "She keeps leaning over and looking at my character sheet! She’s cheating!" Inco’s shades dipped a little as he stared at Damien before shifting his gaze up at Liz, whose own face was twisted in confusion and disbelief, unsure what to make of what that frilled idiot just said.

 

Inco brought his hand up, facepalming in exacerbation. This was going to be more difficult than he thought. "Damien." He said calmly and politely...as if speaking to a 2nd Grader. "it’s okay if she-"

 

Hey, if looking at another person’s paper thing is cheating, then Ben is too!" Mia cut on, leaning forward on the table, bringing up her own accusing finger to point at the blue Dino. "He’s been looking at my ‘sheet’ since we got here!" She spun around on him, hunching forward on the table. "Don’t try and deny it." He merely sat there, mouth open, at a loss for words, his eyes darting between Mia and Inco, a pleading look on his face.

 

O sweet Raptor Jesus, give me strength, Inco thought.

 

He clapped his hands together, almost in prayer, staring at the four of them in silence for a long moment, then, with a sigh, he busted out the commanding teacher tone. "Damien. Looking at someone else’s sheet isn’t cheating. You’re allowed to know each other’s stats. This isn’t PVP; you don’t-That means player vs. player, Damien. Like I was saying. This is a group effort; you’re a team, so knowing each other’s stats is totally fine. You can all look as much as you want. This isn’t a competition."

He then looked up at Liz. "Liz. Maybe ask before you look, though. It’s bad etiquette to just lean over someone’s shoulder like that. You’re allowed to see what he has, but it’s kinda rude to do so without permission. Show him a little curtsey, eh?" She opened her mouth to speak before looking sheepishly away, nodding in acquiescence.

 

"Mia." He spun around to her next. "Same for Damien, goes for you. It’s not cheating to look….And besides." A hint of annoyance touched his voice. "He helped you make that character anyway. He damn well KNOWS what’s on your sheet already. Cut the guy some slack. He knows your character better than you do, so be grateful you have a rules encyclopaedia sitting next to you, because it will make your time playing a helluva lot easier, believe me." Ben was nodding in agreement, a rather smug look on his face. Clearly that little statement was an ego trip for him.

 

"Oh…." Mia said with a surprising amount of clarity in her tone as she gazed down at her sheet. "Yeah…" Suddenly she sat upright, arms folded, glancing at Ben out of the corner of her eyes. "You were just staring at my tits then, weren’cha dweeb? Go on, fess up." An evil grin crossed her features, and that glint from before came back as she winked. She knew exactly what she was doing. Ben turned a bright shade of red, trying to speak but only managing to splutter, shaking his head in denial.

 

Lastly, Inco rounded on the final miscreant of the group. "Ben…stop staring at Mia’s tits. Gottit? Good." The poor Parasaurolophus was blushing so hard, he began to lose his blue hue and instead turn red, much like Mia. Weird. Inco didn’t think that was possible. Either way, unable to speak, he simply bundled his head under his arms on the table. Mia’s grin widened, and Damien fought hard to suppress a snicker but failed miserably. Okay, he didn’t really fight too hard. Liz, however, merely scowled at Ben and then Mia before covertly glancing down at her own chest and then over towards Damien, who couldn’t hold it in any longer and burst out laughing, his eyes going wide as he cackled aloud, clutching his stomach.

 

Running a hand over his smooth head, he let out an authoritative "Alright! We’re gonna get started in a minute!" He had to be firm or else things would spiral out of control, or more so than they already had. "I’m gonna quick run to the fridge and get another Bepsi, then we’ll get this show on the road. Ben, pick yourself up. Mia, leave him alone. Damien, keep the volume down." He pushed himself away from the table and rose up to his feet. "And Liz?" The Brachiosaurus looked over at him expectantly. You, uh…you keep an eye on the kids. Make sure Damien doesn’t eat any of the dice." He called out as he departed down a nearby hallway to the kitchen.

 

"Hey!" Came the distant voice of Damien. "You have no proof I did that!"

 

As he made his way into the kitchen, Inco paused, leaning against the door, rubbing his temples.

 

"Please Raptor Jesus…I’m begging you, please. I just want this to go okay." He muttered quietly to himself.