Chapter 6 – Against the Current

No one came for us in the night.  Nor that morning, while we packed and loaded the now muddy and thoroughly frozen raft.  Cracking it out of the reeds was no easy task, but I relished the chance to have something difficult and all-consuming to focus on.
My body still ached, but the pain in my shoulder and the stiffness in my joints were welcome.  They distracted from the lifting feeling of vertigo I felt every time my thoughts returned to what had happened in the lean-to.  
It felt like I was falling into something unknown.  That’s the best way my mind could interpret the feeling in my chest, the somehow both exhilarating and terrifying panic that gripped me whenever I re-lived it in my mind.  Falling. 
I couldn’t make sense of it, but yet somehow, it all finally made sense?  So much about myself that had long been an enigma to me had snapped into place.  What it was I’d felt. . . been feeling. . . about Finnegan was just one part of it.
Since I’d hit adulthood two years ago, I’d tried not to think about how my future was shaping up to be so much different than my otter brethren.  Everything came about naturally and normally for them, within the prescribed lives the otters of my tribe were supposed to live.  They’d hit adulthood, the shaman would visit and they’d get their markings, then they’d choose a trade, or marry.  Sometimes both, in the case of the most industrious young women, and all the men, save those few that became devoted guardians for the tribes’ pups.  And even still, that was a trade in and of itself.  One of my cousins had even become a shaman.  Her path had been a bit different than most, but still accepted, honorable, even.  And we’d long known she had a deeper connection with the spirits, so we’d all been prepared for it. 
But nothing about becoming an adult had felt natural or normal for me.  Everything had been through that barrier of difference, of not being an otter.  There were rites of passage like hunting my first deer, or navigating the rivers, that I’d managed just fine.  I’d followed in my otterfa’s footsteps and become a fisherman, something I certainly had a knack for, and I’d gotten the first of my markings.  But building my dwelling had been difficult, since it had needed to be thrice the size.  I’d had to learn to work with leathers and hides simply to clothe myself, as nothing the tribe made was sized properly for me.  My aunts tried, but. . . .
I was used to not ‘fitting’ into just about everything around me.  Even if my family did not begrudge me for it, and in fact were quite accommodating and eager to have me stay in the community, (having a bear around has its advantages, they’d say) I knew that try as they might, there were certain things they’d simply never be able to give me, no matter how much they loved me. 
Marriage, lifelong companionship of any kind, was not something I’d find as easily as my otter brethren.  I’d have my extended family, but starting a family of my own was not as guaranteed as it was for my brothers and sisters.
I’d long assumed, and my otterfa had assured me, that I was just delayed on my path to such fulfillments because of the obvious barrier of species between me and most tribal women I’d ever met.  Part of why my tribe had encouraged me so readily to be the one to take this trip was, I surmised, for the chance that I might meet another of my kind out in the world.  And I was only twenty years of age.  Many men my age were yet unmarried, it was not so unusual.  For a woman, perhaps.  But men were expected to take a bit more time to settle, in their younger years.
And to be fair, I’d met few other bears in the world, even in my travels.  Three so far, to be exact, and all male.  So, the fact that I’d never felt that yearning that most young men apparently felt seemed, perhaps unfortunate, but not unusual.  My circumstances were unusual.  I hadn’t had the opportunities most might have had.
Was I confused?  Was that it?  Was my body confused?  Because I’d been raised by otters, raised apart from other bears?  This wasn’t what a bear should have wanted, I knew that much.  Certainly not in this way.
But I’d never felt this way about an otter, either.  To be fair, almost all the ones I’d known were my family.  And most of the otters from other tribes I’d met over the years were older traders who were already married.  
But Finnegan wasn’t an otter.  He was smaller than me, certainly.  Closer to an otter’s. . . size?  Was that why this was happening?  No.  No, that was silly.
Had I ever felt this way about anyone else before?
The answer to that was complicated.  About any one person?  No.  Not that I could remember.  But vaguely.  At least in the back of my mind, although I had not known or understood what I was feeling at the time, I had felt this. . . I’m not certain what to call it.  Attraction.  Before.  And I had experienced desires of the flesh in the past, of course.  But they’d never been clear.  Taken no specific form.  Just notions of nameless, faceless people some buried part of my mind wanted to. . . know. . . in this way.  
I’d even met people throughout my life I’d found beautiful, I could clearly remember thinking so.  But it was hard to remember if it had been a more general admiration or something more specific, like, well. . . .
Like how I’d felt last night.  How I’d let a dream overtake my reason, had violated any and all physical boundaries between myself and my bedmate, a-and then. . . .
I glanced back at the wolfdog as he finished lashing down our bags, tugging at the hem of his frozen coat disdainfully.  For about the hundredth time today, I wondered if he was angry at me.  He certainly hadn’t seemed it.  But I couldn’t make sense of that man.  Finnegan had been outright flippant.  Bemused, really, by my state of shock all morning.  He really was acting like nothing unusual had happened between us.  
I couldn’t understand it. 
I was fortunate, at least, that he’d not held it against me.  I’d grabbed him in his sleep.  Buried my paws, my claws, in his fur.  I’d held him against my body and. . . and. . . .
Calm, I tried to tell myself.  We still had to keep our wits about us.  The hunter must have rested to nurse their injury, or otherwise held off on moving due to the weather.  Maybe they’d given up.  But so far, our luck hadn’t been that good.
Either way, we had to get going again.  
I saw Finnegan checking his pistol meticulously as he stood there in the frozen reeds, steam puffing out his nostrils.  It was easier to take stock of him when I knew he was distracted, and not focused on me.  He had that look of intensity about him that he got sometimes, but it was more directed at the weapon in his hand.  He still didn’t seem angry, or in a foul mood.  Just focused on the task in front of him.
He looked handsome as ever.
But how could he not be angry at me?
A terrible thought occurred to me then.  Bits of memory came back to me spanning our acquaintance, the many times he’d seemed expectant of me.  Almost. . . bracing.
Had he determined this was just somehow. . . expected of him?
No.  No, that was a ridiculous thought.  How would anyone expect. . . that?  
I couldn’t shake the notion, though.  Even as we counted off and began shoving the raft back out onto the river, aided in the morning by the sheen of ice over the shallowest edges of the water.  I lumbered aboard and held a paw out to him, clapping it around his arm and pulling him up onto the raft with me. 
The raft pitched forward as I landed on my rump with the momentum of tugging him aboard.  It sent us both sprawling for a moment, and he might have slipped right off the icy timbers if I hadn’t slung an arm around his waist and steadied him against my side.
He blinked rapidly and stared up at me a moment, his eyes blindingly green in the morning sun.
Then he gave a cavalier smile, breath puffing out his mouth, and twittered out a needlessly dramatic, “My hero.”
I snuffed, averting my gaze.  “You’d hardly have drowned in two feet of water.”
“No, but I’d be wet again,” he said, shaking out and toying with the still crispy edges of his coat.  “And I’d like to avoid that until we have to shore this thing again, if you don’t mind.”  He disentangled himself from me at that and moved towards one of the oars, taking it up and kneeling on one side of the raft, beginning to push us away from the shore.
I stayed on the other side of the raft, although nearer to the center so we’d keep the weight even.  We were compensating with some of the bags, too.  “Finnegan,” I began to say, as I took up the other oar.
“If I had to guess,” he cleared his throat noisily.  “I would say I must have clipped her more than I realized.  Or him.  Still not certain on who it was, after all.  Something must have occupied them last night.  That or we hid effectively.”
“Finnegan. . . .”  I sighed.
“Let’s not get too cocky, though,” he pushed back his coat a moment, revealing the holster beneath.  “We’ll need to be more alert today.  Weather seems to be clearing, so if they’re still out there hunting, they’ll be on the move today.  And the path we’re taking is unfortunately rather easy to follow.”
“Finnegan,” I said a little more vehemently.
He was silent, finally.  But then he had been last time I’d tried.  So we were at this stalemate again.
Pleadingly, quietly, I asked again, “Why can’t we talk about it?”
He wasn’t looking at me, but I could see from his rather expressive and large ears how guarded he must have felt.  
More silence.  Again, I implored, “. . . Finn?”
“This just isn’t the sort of thing you talk about,” he snapped, not angrily, but more. . . worriedly?  It was hard to tell when he wasn’t looking at me.  “Alright?”  He finally turned, glancing at me out of the side of one green eye.  
I dipped my oar into the water slowly, aware that the current would soon take us if I didn’t begin to row.  Cautiously, I asked, “Why?”
He sighed, taking up his own oar.  “You just don’t,” he said, submerging the oar.
“But,” I stammered, “but I have so many questions.”
“God help me,” he pinched the bridge of his muzzle, then all at once, nailed me with that intense gaze of his. “Look, I thought you were. . . .”
I looked at him imploringly, waiting to hear whatever wisdom he could impart.
His gaze softened, and he looked away from me, down at the water.  “I thought you were more experienced,” he finally said.  “I don’t know why I thought that, in retrospect.  Shit.”
“So,” I felt my chest clench.  “You are angry.”
That got his attention back on me, and he went from frustrated-looking to concerned, all at once.  “No,” he insisted.  “No.  I mean. . . maybe at myself.  But not at you, Tulimak.”
I stammered, “What does that even mean?”
“It means I might’ve mis-read things, that’s all,” he blew a breath out through his nose, rowing slowly on his side.  “And reading people is something I usually pride myself in, so I feel foolish.”
“ ‘Mis-read’?”  I knew the words, but not the context he was using them in.
“Saw something that wasn’t there,” he clarified.  “In you.”
I looked down into the calmer waters we’d found ourselves in this morning.  This stretch of the river was not nearly as wide, being surrounded on both sides by rocky, more mountainous land.  The trails here were tough, especially in the winter.  The river was the best way to travel.  This was our best chance to make ground, and outrun our pursuer.  I dug my oar in deep.
“Whatever it was you saw in me,” I said quietly, “it was there.  And even I didn’t know it until last night.  But it was definitely there.”
He made a noise at my statement that sounded like a groan and a sigh mixed together.  “Yes, that much was obvious,” he muttered, “from the first day I met you.”
“What?”  I asked.
“That you fancied me,” he said around his own hand, like saying it aloud was taboo.  To be fair, I suppose it was.  I’d never seen or even heard stories of something like this.  I wonder then. . . .
“How did you know?”  I asked, relieved that we were at least talking about it, now.
“Oh, you get a feeling for it after a while,” he rolled his eyes.  “Especially when the people ogling you are as subtle as you were.”
I stopped to consider that.  After a few moments had elapsed, I glanced sideways at him, and took note of his expression.  “Oh,” I said, “that was sarcasm.”
“Glad that didn’t need a translation,” he muttered.  
“But then,” I said uncertainly.  “You didn’t ‘mis-read’ me.  If you guessed that, you were right.  Clearly.”
“That isn’t what I meant,” he said flatly.  He gave me a beat to ask the obvious question, then filled in for me.  “I more meant that I thought you. . . also knew what you wanted.  I thought we were communicating without words.”
“That needs a translation,” I said, confused.  
“It means exactly what it sounds like,” he stated matter-of-factly.  “I thought we had come to an understanding.”
“Without words,” I repeated, uncertain I was hearing him correctly.
	 “That’s just how these things are done,” he said, again in that snappish tone.  I flinched back a bit, and he tipped his ears back, looking awkwardly away from me again.  “Look, I’m sorry,” he said emphatically.  “I didn’t realize how new this all was to you.  I never would’ve-“ He stopped himself suddenly.  “Tulimak, how old are you?”
	The question was an odd one, but I didn’t mind telling him.  “I passed twenty years in the summer,” I answered.
	He closed his eyes, “Oh thank god.  You’re so big, I-I just. . . assumed you were a grown man.  I might be a louse, but a cradle robber, I am not.”
	“How old are you?”  I couldn’t not ask, after he’d asked me.  I’d been assuming this whole time we were around the same age, but I didn’t really know how to look for markers of age in canines, save probably gray fur around the muzzle.  Probably?  
	“I have a decade on you,” he told me.  Then, “Thirty.  I’m thirty.”
	I nodded.  Finn did come off a bit more mature than me, to be fair.  But a lot of that I’d attested to his being more worldly, more traveled.  Discovering he had ten years on me didn’t surprise me as much as I’d thought it would, though.
	“You seem to understand. . . all of this,” I said hesitantly.  “Much more than I do, anyway.  Can you please at least tell me why you don’t want to talk about it?”  I suspected I knew the reason, but I wanted his answer all the same.
	His eyes dimmed, and he slowly churned his oar through the water.  When he spoke, his words came out wary.  “Because it’s dangerous,” he said, stating exactly what I’d been afraid of.
	My heart sank, but I’d known.  There had to be a reason no one had ever told me this was a path my life might take.  There must have been a good reason why I’d never known two men could. . . .
	“I don’t know your culture well,” he admitted, speaking lowly.  “But where I come from?  Admitting to this sort of thing can get you thrown in a work camp.  Jailed.  Even hung.  And my people brought their Faith here, so presumably the laws aren’t much more allowing in the colonies- pardon me,” he corrected himself, “ ‘Carvecia’.”
	I opened my mouth, but he cut me off.  “And before you ask ‘why’,” he sighed, “it doesn’t matter why.  Procreation, religion, some think it’s emasculating, I suppose.  Ask a Priest, they’ll give you a hundred reasons they think are important.  But all that matters is- that’s the way it is.  It’s not worth losing your life over.”
	“But you still-“
	“I do whatever I can get away with,” he chuckled.  “But I’m clever.  I’m savvy.  No offense, but you’re not.  So, if you’ve got the predilection, fine.  But you do it out in the woods, or with someone you trust in a private room.  Treat it like it’s a crime, because it is.  And don’t.  Fucking.  Talk about it.”
	He turned, gesturing at me.  “You’re a big, strong lad.  Find yourself a wife, and if she isn’t scratching the itch, get what you need on the side.  If I learned anything from my time spent amongst the Pedigree, it’s that a marriage can shield you from the consequences of all manner of immoral behavior.  Wives give you credibility.”  He turned back around, leaning to the side to stretch his hip out.  “Throw in some cubs while you’re at it.  No one’ll blink.”
	“That’s,” I opened and closed my mouth several times before settling on, “a lot.”
	“Yes, sorry,” he conceded.  “Maybe too much information at once there.  But now I feel responsible, like I’ve got to warn you of all of this.”
	“I appreciate it,” I assured him, quietly.  My mind was spinning, running through all the new information.  One question immediately surfaced, though.  “Is. . . is this what you’ve done?”  I asked him.  “All of that?”
	“What, married?”  He literally snorted.  “No, no.  My lifestyle doesn’t really suit married life, and I wouldn’t want to subject any woman to it besides.  No.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve known my share of women.  Enjoyed their lovely company,” he toyed at the hem of his vest at that, likely an old habit when fussing with his garb might have done him any good.  “I love women.  Was raised by them, in fact, so I usually prefer their company to other men, if given a choice.”
	“You were raised by women?  Only women?”
	“Ah, my mother’s. . .” he paused, “. . . coworkers.  We lived in a cooperative house, of a sort.  Pooling resources, sharing chores and child-rearing, you know.  Good for safety too, in the Risers.  There were a few other children, and my uncle Mikhail for a while.  But yes, I suppose mostly women.” 
	“An Uklashan,” I said, prompting a bemused look from him.  “A female tribe,” I clarified.  “Sometimes when the men are hunting or warring, or when a tribe has lost all of their men, an Uklashan will be formed.  An elder mother will take the position of Chieftain and all roles in the tribe will be re-assigned, regardless whether they are meant for men or women.  The tribe survives that way until the next generation is grown, or until favorable matches for young women can be found.  Some of them choose to remain Uklashan for generations, though, and take war orphans to grow their numbers.”
	He was listening to me, enrapt in that way he had been the day before.  I was certain now it wasn’t false, he was just a curious man, and he earnestly seemed to want to file away the things I told him.
	“U-klah-shan,” he sounded it out, again taking care to pronounce one of our words correctly.  “Huh.  That’s fascinating.  I suppose our cooperative was a little bit like that, although planned that way from the start.  Men were. . . discouraged in our neighborhood in general, unless they were there to trade.”
	“Why?”  I asked, intrigued.
	“Bad experiences in the past,” he waved a hand.  “Men can tend to take advantage of my mother’s trade, and none of them really contribute to the work load, if you know what I mean.”
	“I don’t,” I stated plainly.
	“Of course you don’t,” he gave me a wry smile.  “You’re as pure as fresh snow.”
	“But you said you had an uncle. . . .”
	“You never met my uncle,” he chuckled.  “He contributed, suffice to say.  And he was considerate, kind.  Not one to take advantage.  We had a whole community there, I guess sort of its own little village.  Found family, you could say.  We took care of one another, did the best we could in shit circumstances.”
	“That sounds like a good village,” I smiled.
	“Den of sin and heretics, as far as the rest of the city’s considered,” he snuffed.  “But yes, they were good people.  Are.”  He looked down, at that.  “I haven’t been back since my mother died.  I’m. . . one of those men that would be taking advantage, these days.  I found a different trade.”
	“You have a trade?”  I was aware the subject of our conversation had diverted from the main topic, but I was learning so much about him all of a sudden, I didn’t want to staunch the flow.  If anything, since last night, I wanted to know even more about him.  Everything he would tell me.
	“Man my age has to have a trade,” he said dismissively.  “But it’s not an easy one to explain.  Especially not to someone who doesn’t understand our world.”
	“Please try,” I encouraged.
	There must have been something about the plaintive way I asked, because he took one look my way and cracked after a few moments, relenting.  “I’m a. . . mediator.  Of a sort.  I help settle disputes.”
	“Like a wise man?”  I asked uncertainly.  He was still fairly young, though.
	“I’m not sure what the equivalent would be in your culture, so that’s probably as close as we’re going to get,” he said.  “Amuresca has a lot of old traditions that Pedigree society in particular likes to cling on to.  My trade fits into a particular niche, a need that rich men with big mouths like to exercise before they think the better of it.  Like I said, it’s hard to explain to an outsider.  But it hardly matters any more, I gave it up when I began this journey, and it’s looking as though I won’t survive it, so. . . .”
	My brows furrowed.  “Finnegan, we’re making good progress on the river.  We’re going to make it to Broen.  We’ll outrun the hunter, and-”
	He was shaking his head.  “I want to stay optimistic, I really do,” he exhaled.  “But my final contact is a long way off, and my best chance now is to find a reliable Post somewhere and hope.  This whole business of trekking halfway around the world as a courier for these documents was. . . high-minded, but it isn’t turning out well.”
	I took a breath.  “Where is your final contact, Finn?”
	He gave me a long, steady look before replying, “Arbordale.”	
	“All the way in the south?”  I gasped.  “I’ve never even known someone who’s been to the southern sea.”
	“You probably have,” he assured me.  “A lot of the traders in town have likely done business there, it’s the Nation’s Capital.  But I understand your reaction.”  He sighed.  “I had two choices for this trip, and the route by sea around the east side of the world is faster overall, but two months longer on the water.  In good weather, and the weather in the Somanta is rarely good.  I. . . hate. . . traveling by ship.  I can’t even explain to you how horrible it is if you’ve never tried it before.”
	“I’ve grown up with the river,” I said, “but I’ve heard the sea is different.  Much larger.  Much deeper.  Storms that lift the water as high as some trees.”
	“Ugh,” he groaned, presumably at the memory.  “Please don’t remind me, if you want me to keep my breakfast down.  Now, granted, I was contending with the effects of poisoning throughout most of the voyage I did take, but even when I recovered, I was never truly well.  They say you get your ‘sea legs’ after a time, but it never quite happened for me.”
	“You’d mentioned the poisoning earlier. . . .” I said, trailing off intentionally, hoping he would expand on that story. 
	“If I’d taken the East route, I would have arrived directly in Arbordale,” he said.  “But, hearing of the land route, I figured the extra few months travel time would be worth it.  It also should have cost less.  But this country is. . . not like home.  There are few roads, it’s outright lawless in places, and the terrain is- challenging would be putting it mildly.  I vastly overestimated my chances of making this trip alone.  To be fair,” he ascertained, putting a hand up, “I didn’t know at the time I’d also be hunted along the way.  Or that the horse I purchased would throw a shoe and go lame.  OR that I myself would suffer the climate so poorly, and be forced to hunker down in townships so often.  It’s been a long series of misfortunes.”
	“You traveled halfway across the world,” I said, feeling the urge to reach over and put a paw on his shoulder.  I resisted.  “It’s remarkable you got so far on your own.”
	“I would have researched the trip more thoroughly if I’d had the time,” he dropped his hand against his knee.  “But certain events led me to realize I needed to be anywhere but in Highvolle, and fast.  Lad like me comes to appreciate when it’s time to skip town.  All the better that I had a destination in mind.”
	“You were being hunted in your country too?”  I asked.  
	When he turned to look at me, he seemed tired.  “Not quite as literally as the folks here seem to do it.  Not like game.  But someone clearly wanted me dead.”
	“The poison,” I surmised.
	He nodded.  “Dangers of a busy pub,” he muttered.  “I’ll never know who slipped it to me.  Or even how.  I’d have to guess my drink, though.  And the more I’ve thought on it, the more I’ve been certain it was someone working or serving there.  I ordered an Islander Caife, that’s. . . essentially just coffee, whiskey and sugar, and whoever poured it was generous with the whiskey. Too generous.  They were trying to cover the taste of whatever they put in it.”  He set his jaw in a grim line.  “It worked.”
	“You wouldn’t even be safe if you went home,” I realized aloud, the air leaving my lungs.
	Finnegan just shook his head again, slowly.  “I dug up something my old man doesn’t want known,” he said, that hint of anger creeping back into his voice.  “He wants me dead, and he’s got the resources to see it done.  I like to think of myself as a resilient man, but I’m up against a lot of coin, here.  And the bastard owns a shipping firm.  I wouldn’t, but even if I wanted to, I couldn’t hide from him if I tried.  His bloody tentacles are stretched between both these continents.  Maybe if I went to Mataa. . . although apparently he’s buying his ‘merchandise’ from there now.”
	He continued talking, but my thoughts were preoccupied with the most pertinent of the new knowledge he’d given me.  Mainly the most important fact- I couldn’t even convince him to give this up.  It wasn’t just some grim resolve, although it certainly seemed that too.  He had no choice but to see this through now.  If I was understanding him correctly, the only way he’d live through what he’d learned about his kin back home was if he revealed his illegal trade to- presumably the law in his lands?  
	If that was even enough to stop this man.  What kind of father did all of this to their own son?  
	I began to understand his hatred more than I had before.  I’d never known my parents, but they’d either given me up to the river, or met some untimely end that kept them from being in my life.  And I’d no memories of them to resent or regret.
	Finnegan knew this man he shared blood with, and importantly, was known to him.  It wasn’t as though this rich man didn’t know it was his own son he was trying to have killed.  I knew little of their relationship other than what Finn had told me concerning his mother, but I didn’t need to know any more.  Anyone who willingly inflicted all of this on their own blood, whether or not they chose to acknowledge them as family, lacked something inside that made most people whole.
	“I want to help you,” I blurted out, my mouth only somewhat ahead of my thoughts.  But I’d pretty well decided by that point.
	His ears perked and he arched an eyebrow.  “You. . . are,” he said uncertainly.
	“No, I mean,” I sighed, “I can’t bear the thought of leaving you in Broen, at the mercy of these people.”
	“I’m hardly defenseless,” he said, patting his hip where his holster rested.
	“With all due respect,” I looked him in the eyes, “you need to make up your mind on that.”
	He blinked at me, and for once, had nothing to say.
	“Are you going to give up, and send your papers along with a courier?”  I asked pointedly.  “Or are you capable of carrying them the whole way yourself?  Because in one breath you’re speaking of how doomed you are, and now you’re trying to assure me that you’ll be fine.  Which is it?”
	He seemed stunned.  It took him some time spent visibly gathering his wits to reply.  “You’re really holding me to task,” he chuckled nervously.  “Damned, Tulimak.  I-I was just trying to make you feel better, is all.”
	“Don’t do that,” I said vehemently.  I didn’t use my ‘bear voice’, but I put some bellow into my words, enough that I saw him lean back a hair.  I took heed to lower my tone when I continued, “I’m not a child just because I’m ten years your junior.  We live difficult lives here, too.  Perhaps, I’ve been more fortunate than you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t understand and don’t. . . feel. . . the consequences of action and inaction.  If I were to leave you in Broen, I would always think on what became of you.  We may be recent acquaintances, but,” I looked down at the water sloshing against the creaking timbers of the raft, “I’ve gotten to know you.  I would always remember you.  For. . . many reasons.”
 	I heard, rather than saw him shift, uncomfortably.  He didn’t reply, but I knew he was listening.  He was a good listener.
	“I don’t want to have this regret,” I said quietly.  “You’ve given it to me.  Don’t try to take it away with paltry words.  I want your honesty.”  I looked back up at him at that.  “Can you complete this journey of yours alone?”
	He lowered his muzzle slowly, hands knitted at the frayed knees of his trousers.  “I don’t know,” he admitted at length.  “But the odds are. . . not in my favor.”
	I breathed in slowly, then let the breath out through my nose, and I took up my oar once more, pushing back into the current.  We’d been listing for a time now.  “How can I help?”  I asked.
	“If we can lose this hunter, that would be a start,” he said, taking up the other oar with an obvious twinge of pain.  The rowing involved a lot of leaning to the side, which was clearly hard on his hip.  “But Broen is more connected to the roads and trade than the last few towns I’ve been through, and they found me there.  Honestly the closer I get to Arbordale, the better the chances I’ll be found by another soldier of fortune.”
	I considered that.  “Then you should take the game trails,” I reasoned.  “Stay off the roads and away from Otherwolf settlements.”
	“I haven’t any maps of alternative routes,” he said.  “And anyway, I don’t trust my ability to find my way on game trails.  I’m moderately well-traveled, but in Amuresca everything is mapped and populated, there are road and sign posts, very few uncivilized plots of land left. . . here, everything is still so wild.”
	“My father would know what to do,” I scratched behind one of my ears, thoughtfully.  “Perhaps we should skip Broen.  Continue on to my home.  It’s farther north than you probably want to go, but it would be safer.”
	He tipped his ears back, “Tulimak,” he cautioned, “I shouldn’t have to explain to you why that’s a bad idea.”
	“If we can outrun her,” I said, jerking a thumb backwards to denote the distant hunter, “no one would know or suspect you’d be going further upriver.  Your father knows where you’re headed, right?”
	“Don’t call him that,” he said softly, although there was no real anger directed at me there.  Then, “Yes.  Yes, he’d have to know the reason I’ve come this far is to report him to the authorities at the Trade Commission in Arbordale.  He’s too well-seated in Highvolle.  I’d stand no chance there.  But here, he’s a foreigner.  I don’t know what the Trade Commission will have the power to do. . . it’s doubtless he’d ever be arrested.  Even if they could take a warrant out for him, he’d have to set foot on Carvecian soil for it to take effect.  But they could seize his holdings here, crumble his slave trade and cut him off from all of his markets here.  It would still be financially crippling, and that would be enough to satisfy me.”
	He looked to me.  “But none of that would be worth bringing his far-flung wrath down on your family, Tulimak.  I don’t want anyone else caught in this hellfire.  This is between me and him, and anyone foolish enough to come after me.  It’s bad enough that you’ve gotten involved.”
	I smiled slowly at him, which seemed to confuse him.  “What?”  He asked, glancing about like I must have seen something he hadn’t.
	“I was worried,” I admitted.  “Especially after. . . last night.  I thought there might be a chance you were. . . .”
	Ever canny, he seemed to understand.  “Using you?”  He filled in.
	I nodded.  “I’m sorry.”
	“No, it’s,” he sighed.  “It’s understandable.  And I’m not going to deny I saw the benefit in our meeting from the start.  But I only would have taken that so far.  It was rather cute having a big bear bodyguard when I was worried about a few skinny foxes.  But then, when we got shot at on the river, and you got hurt. . . .”
	“I’m fine,” I lied unconvincingly.  My shoulder was still hot and aching.
	“Don’t try that on me,” he said, snorting.  “Look, you were talking about regret.  I’ve been thinking about that a lot too, with the shadow of death hanging over me for the last few months and all.  Really gets a man to thinking about his worth.  Which in my case, is literally all in my own mind, because I sure as hell haven’t gotten much reinforcement from the world at large.”
	I wanted to reach over and embrace him, hearing those words.  It wasn’t just that they were profoundly sad, it was how much he clearly meant them.
	“If I’m going to die any time soon,” he murmured, “I want to do so knowing one thing, above all else.  That I’m a better man than my fa-“ he cut himself off.  “Than. . . that man.  And he. . . uses people.”  
	“You’re passing up a safe haven because you don’t want to endanger my family,” I said softly.  “And I’m practically a stranger to you.  My family even more so.  That’s not a sacrifice most people would make.”
	“We’ll figure something else out,” he promised, giving me a weak smile.  “I don’t want to leave you with regrets, Tulimak.”
	I smiled back, and for a time, we rowed in silence.  It wasn’t long though, before I had to put words to what had been gnawing at me this whole morning and afternoon, and what had ultimately started this conversation.
	“So if you weren’t,” I gestured with a paw at nothing, “trying to. . . I-I don’t know. . . win me over?  Why. . . this morning. . . .”
	He gave me a long look, and for a few moments I was worried I’d offended him, until he finally guffawed.  “Are you honestly asking if I whored myself out to you to keep you around?” 
	“I-I don’t,” I stammered.
	“Relax,” he laughed through his nose, showing his fangs for a moment through his amused grin.  “I’m not upset.  Honestly, you don’t even understand why that’s as funny as it is to me.”  He straightened up a bit, tucking the oar under one arm so he could use his other hand to smooth his fur back and flare out the ruff around his neck in that way I’d noticed he did whenever he was taking notice of his appearance.  “Let me ask you something,” he said, giving me the side-eye, “why did you wish to engage in such a thing. . . with me?  Because there was no mistaking your interest.”
	I dropped my gaze to the water.  “I wish I knew,” I admitted.
	“Well there you have it,” he chirped.  When I looked back up, he’d set back to rowing.  “Who can say why we enjoy the things we do?  Maybe it’s how God made us.  Maybe it’s just as random and ultimately meaningless as eye color.”
	“Eye color is usually predictable,” I reasoned.  “Most otters have brown eyes, for instance.”
	He shrugged.  “So perhaps it’s in the blood?  Considering how much stock the Amurescan Faith puts in bloodline, you’d think they’d entertain that possibility.  But no, it must all be sinful, unnatural desires, tantamount to spitting in God’s eye!”  He shook his fist at the sky for dramatic effect.  “Look, the point is, it hardly matters why.  I enjoy the company of women too, as I said earlier.  I’ve never stopped to question why that is.  I see it as a blessing, an. . . expansion of my options for earthly pleasures.  And there often aren’t many of those to be had, so I try to make the most of those that are available.”
	“I wasn’t asking why you’d want to in general,” I said uneasily.  The truth was, that part still didn’t make much sense to me, either.  It did seem unnatural, at least based on everything I’d seen in my life.   I wasn’t a child, I understood by now that mating brought pleasure, but I also understood that the reason for that was to encourage procreation.  And two men couldn’t make young together. 
	But I didn’t want to offend him.  So I continued, “I was more curious why you’d want to. . . with me.”
	He seemed to hesitate a beat, before saying, “You demanded honesty, so shall it be.”
	I held my breath.
	“I’m not usually so quick to jump into bed with people, as it were,” he said.  “Believe it or not.  Growing up where I did doesn’t make for a particularly trusting individual.  But,” he gave a hapless smile, “when the alternatives are freezing to death, I make exceptions.  And I’d already noted that you’d taken a certain bumbling, adorable sort of interest in me-“
	I groaned.
	He patted my shoulder from across the raft.  “Take heart.  Social grace is overrated.  Transparent emotions won’t win you any points in politics, but you’ll never be misunderstood.  There’s something to that.”
	“I’m more humiliated that you realized something I hadn’t even realized myself,” I muttered.
	“It’s easier to see some things from the outside looking in,” he reasoned.  “Anyway.  I noticed, I suspected, went back and forth on whether or not I was correct in my estimation.  And then the confirmation woke me up in my sleep.”
	I couldn’t possibly have been more uncomfortable.
	“And considering death felt like a real, imminent possibility,” he continued, “I saw no reason not to accept the offer, and indulge in something amidst this quagmire of cold, pain and fear that might actually feel good.  It’s really that simple.”
	“But you didn’t-“ I said haltingly.
	He looked at me, surprised.  Recognition dawned on his features after a flash, and I wanted to bury my muzzle in my hands.  A laugh bubbled up from his throat, and he physically turned to look up at me.  “Ah, I understand now!  You’re upset because I didn’t- oh, that’s why you thought I was just doing that to keep you around, isn’t it?”
	At least he hadn’t guessed at the other reason it had been eating at me.  I could hold on to that.
	He smirked at me, leaning over my way enough to force me to look at him.  “Tulimak,” he cooed, “are you worried I’m not attracted to you?”
	Well, there went that.
	“You poor sweet bear,” he said around continued chuckles.  “Ah. . . if it weren’t for the fact that it would overbalance the raft and dump us in this freezing river, I’d show you how wrong you are.”
	I snapped my head in his direction, shocked.
	“For one, you didn’t exactly give me the chance,” he said pointedly.  “It wasn’t but a moment after. . . everything. . . that you began to panic.  And from there it was hard enough just to calm you down.”
	“I’m sorry for that,” I said, now thoroughly humiliated.
 	“Again, I shouldn’t have assumed your experience,” he said, his tone genuinely concerned.  “We should have talked more.  I’d take it back if I could.”
	“No,” I said quickly.  He smirked, presumably at the suddenness of my response.  “No, I wouldn’t want to take any of this back,” I said, meaning it.  “Not meeting you, not any of our time together, and not. . . that.  Regardless how briefly we travel together, I’ve learned a great deal over the last few days.  About a great many things.”
	I finally got up the courage to look at him again.  “And I appreciate you talking to me about all of this.  Even though you’ve said several times now how you don’t prefer to.”
	He locked his gaze with mine.  “It is literally the least I can do.”

	When we settled in to sleep that night, not exactly as wet as we’d been the night before, but still not dry, (and the temperature had dropped further despite there not being a storm, so it somehow felt worse) I was almost too tired to feel awkward.
	Almost.
	We’d rowed through every lit hour of the day, trying to make ground.  My shoulder hurt nearly too much to bear, and I could tell Finn was in pain, as well.  There was no question that all either of us wanted to do was sleep, but still, despite that, I felt a twinge of uncertainty in my stomach when Finnegan began to undress.
	We hadn’t really resolved anything.  I’d enjoyed our conversation, and the ones that had followed throughout the day.  Truth be told, I just enjoyed talking to Finn.  Even if it was on dark subject matter, or things that made me uncomfortable.  I would still rather be taking this trek with him, pursued and fearing death, than be peaceful and alone on my way home.
	That realization was shocking, to say the least.
	I couldn’t account for whatever was happening between us.  Finnegan was peeling me back, revealing pieces of me I hadn’t known were there.  That thought alone. . . I was no poet.  No storyteller.  I’d hardly spoken so much aloud this year as I had in the last few days. 
	What was happening to me?
	It was, like this trip had become, unexpected, frightening, and exciting.  I felt as though I’d passed the marker for a new trail, a new stage of my life.  And whether or not he knew it or appreciated it, Finnegan is the one who’d ushered me into these new realities.
	I’d always be grateful to him for that, regardless what happened.
	I couldn’t help but notice his body shaking as he got the last of his clothing off.  It made that knot in my stomach seem less important.  I simply couldn’t afford to sit here worrying while someone right beside me was suffering.  All of this introspection was making me, ultimately, selfish.  
	I lay down beside him, and reached for him, wrapping my paw around his hip and dragging his body back against mine.  He began to say something, but ceased when I wrapped my other arm underneath him and pulled him in close.  All he did after that was let out a long breath, going lax in my arms.
	This?  This was easy.  This all made sense to me.  Caring for another person, sharing the comfort of warmth and touch together.  There was nothing complicated about it.
	Finnegan made a low noise, a rumbling groan, and I realized that without so much as considering it, my paw-pads had been running circles over his hip bone.  I tried applying a little pressure, and he groaned more audibly.
	I ran my paw further down his hip, feeling the contour of his body, bone and sinew.  His fur felt different from mine in many ways, and his figure was so much leaner, so foreign to my own.  I found that I quite enjoyed touching him, even simply in this way.  And since he seemed to be enjoying it too, I kept it up until his breathing slowed.
	By then I was falling asleep, myself.  The last thing I remembered doing was draping my cloak over the both of us.