Conejito’s Shrinking Story Test Day 0 This is the experiment log of Alkali, principal scientist at GroLabs. First entry is 16DEC2018, time is 11:02 AM PST. In approximately 24 hours, we will be initiating our first test of several experimental size manipulation techniques. We hypothesize that these new chemicals will lead to a safe reduction in size by quantum manipulation and additionally provide a longer lasting shrink experience. Unfortunately, due to the meddling of the legal department, we’ve been unable to find test subjects. Informed consent and ‘Do No Harm’ clauses have been a thorn in the company’s side. Usually this would mean the experiment would shut down. But we have a powerful ally higher up in the company. And at his suggestion, we’ll be testing this on… the CEO. Mr. Conejito himself. Apparently, this is the kryptonite that the Hippocratic Oath hasn’t figured out yet. You can’t be stuck in a legal quagmire if the person being tested owns the company, and the tech, and knows ALL the risks already. I have attached all the specifications, chemical pathways, SDS sheets, and project charter documentation to this log. -Alkali, PhD **Author’s Note: I have absolutely no faith in this formulation. Auburn is a moron if he thinks this is stable. I have a bet with Chris that it will shrink him a few inches, max. Test Day 1 The experiment worked. Tiny Gods, it actually worked. I watched him sit there, drink the bottle and he was just… gone. I’ve never seen shrinking that fast before. We’ve really come up with something special here. Wait until Chris sees these results on video, he’ll barely believe it. Now I just need to find the boss. -Alkali, PhD Test Day 2 It took three hours and a magnifying glass to find Mr. Conejito yesterday. I measured him after I had him safely in a petri dish: half a centimeter tall. That’s a company record for a single dose. I’m not sure if Mr. Conejito actually appreciated just how significant the results were though. He seemed more interested in returning to normal. And he STAYED that small too. Never seen anything like it in my years here. Half a day later and he was only an inch tall. Well, I couldn’t let him go home like that. And I couldn’t just leave him at the lab either; who would watch him to make sure he grew back to normal? So we agreed the safest plan of action was for him to come home with me. Our security is remarkably poor. They didn’t even check in my pocket for the test tube, or the passenger inside. This morning it looks like the effect has totally worn off. More or less. The boss was only 5 foot tall at the top of his ears. This formula has far more potential than we initially anticipated. But I don’t want to spoil our results yet. I’m going to perform a few more tests. Our monthly meeting for project progress isn’t for another 28 days or so. That’s plenty of time to explore the results fully, try different concentrations, use different chemical stabilizers. Maybe we can reach that mythical mark of a full day of shrinking. Wouldn’t that be something? -Alkali, PhD Test Day 3 This time I wanted to see how long we could make the shrinking last. So I spent the wee hours of the morning updating the stabilizers in prep for a test today. Same concentration and everything but now at least it might have a chance of meeting that elusive stable shrink for 24 hours straight. That same problem came up again though: who would take part in the experiment? I couldn’t convince anyone else in the lab to volunteer. They all think this formulation change I made is a complete boondoggle. So who else could I test my hypothesis on? That’s when the CEO’s secretary walked by with his coffee. And before I could stop myself… the liquid was already pouring in. I only barely got the CEO out of there. If I hadn’t gotten to him… a few minutes later and he would’ve been late to a meeting. That could have spoiled the entire test. Now I’ve got him, shrunk down to a centimeter tall and I can keep the experiment isolated. 24 hours. That’s all it will be. Once it’s done, then we’ll know it works. -Alkali, PhD Test Day 7 Every day for the last five days I’ve come home to find Conejito still stuck inside the jar. He’s still just 2 centimeters tall. We’re approaching a full week of shrinking, and he has barely gained half a centimeter back of his original height, if even that much. I’m tracking his size each day with a tiny set of calipers (oddly entertaining to see him struggle against the metal bars, they must be the size of a car to him). It looks like the spring back effect may be reaching an asymptote. It’s leveling off slowly but surely; he isn’t gaining as much height back with each progressive day. It might not be professional in the slightest, but it was downright cute to see the little rabbit’s face go red when I told him those results. Still not sure if it was red from anger, or red from embarrassment. And it makes me wonder: have we really cracked it? A permanent shrinking solution? It’s hard to believe that just a week ago I didn’t think anything would come of this experiment. I was a doubter, but count me as a convert now. Now I find myself asking: what’s next? -Alkali, PhD Test Day 8 Conejito got even smaller today. On a lark I used the eyedropper to put a single drop of the solution on his head, and it worked just as strongly as the first dose 6 days ago. I can just barely make the little rabbit out on the petri dish. As long as I put it on a black surface first; it’s easier to see his white fur against the black like that. This formula is pretty amazing. Conejito is hard to hear anymore now. It’s a soft squeak, almost too soft to make out. I have to hold my breath and really focus to hear when he asks to be turned back to normal, or for more food in his cage. I can do that second one, but more and more I’m thinking of not doing the first. It’s kinda cute to have my own little experiment here. There’s still plenty of time for experiments on the bun; monthly laboratory data review is still weeks away. And as long as I give him wifi access, he’s still able to call into his meetings. For now at least. Once I return home from work today, we’ll see if he was still able to be heard or not. If he can’t call in, maybe I can convince him to take an extended leave of absence. Should be easy enough to for him to dictate an email. If I can hear him. -Alkali, PhD Test Day 10 Did you know that CEOs get an absurd amount of time off, if they just ask for it? Neither did I. But now that Coney is on an extended sabbatical for the rest of the month there isn’t much stopping our experiments. -Alkali, PhD Test Day 14 Coney looks great in that new collar I had the engineering department work up. I’ve learned it’s a bit of a necessity to get a GPS on the bun as soon as possible. He’s barely big enough to be visible now, and if he goes any smaller I need a way to keep tabs on him. Sure, I could leave him in the petri dish, but sometimes you just need to take your experiment out for a walk. On your shoulder, in your pocket, down your pants… that last one was really fun. I asked around at the lunchroom today if anyone ‘has heard from Mr. Conejito.’ Lots of shrugs, a few blank stares, and then the usual gossip about why he’d go on such a long break. Most of the current theories are that he couldn’t stand being stuck at 5 feet tall after that first dose of the shrinking formula and was laughed out of the board room. I’ve never had my poker face tested that thoroughly before. Maybe Coney heard what they were saying from inside my sock, maybe not. I’ll ask him later today when I let him out. It just confirms what I thought was going on: no one suspects anything is wrong with Coney. For all anyone else knows, he’s off on a tropical island getting a tan, sipping fruity drinks on a beach, with no cell phone or time table for return. He could be gone for weeks, months, for good, and it doesn’t seem anyone would raise an eyebrow. Honestly, the weirdest part of the entire interaction was having to call the little speck ‘Mister’ instead of Coney. Mister sounds far too formal for a little dust bunny. -Alkali, PhD Test Day 30 I’ve made up my mind. The formula stays under wraps. I’ve archived all of these notes onto my personal computer, and fed the rest of the team false results at the monthly project check in. This was probably for the best; I’ve basically broken every company policy on patient abuse multiple times over, even if the ‘patient’ was thoroughly informed of the risks. And reading back on my daily logs, it sounded far more like a diary than a professionally written electronic laboratory notebook. Better that no one is able to find such incriminating and personal information. So that’s that. The supervisors bought my data, and Chris didn’t refute any of my points. Turned out that our original video data was a one-off fluke. Sure, it shrank Mr. Conejito, but none of the stabilizers were able to translate that into a product we could scale up. Even I’m a little surprised at how little scrutiny my falsified data actually received. Maybe having the backing of our former CEO still counts for something around here. My little bunny is going to be thrilled by the news, I’m just sure of it. In fact, I’ll text him right now. Maybe squeeze my toes a bit to see how much he can squirm. There’s no turning back anymore. Not that there was any way for him to return to normal before. I’m certainly not planning to turn the speck back. -Alkali, PhD Test Day 67 Today, the search party was officially called off at work. There will still be people that keep the faith, and a cop or two that try to solve cold cases. But without any evidence to go off… Coney is officially mine. For good. -Alkali, PhD Test Day 179 God bless our company’s engineering department. The upgrades to the dust bunny’s collar have worked like an absolute charm. Haven’t lost signal from his GPS for nearly a whole week now. A few well-placed bribes, and these blueprints will never see the light of day. It’s a shame really; could’ve been quite the coup if it was released to market. But there’s no price worth the possibility of losing my dust bunny to any prying eyes. And the addition of that set of growth and shrinking serums for on-the-fly size changing was a stroke of genius. SO much easier to shrink him now. Think I’ll give the collar a stress test and see just how small he can get before he stops finding it hot. Plus, now I can track where he is in my belly button fur and shrink him smaller just to watch him squirm, all from a convenient app. Not that I’ll be growing my little speck anytime soon. But it’s nice to have the option. -Alkali, PhD Test Day 365 It’s officially the one-year anniversary of Coney’s change to smallest bun in the world. To celebrate, I’ve decided to let Coney have a whole millimeter of height for the day. After being too small to see for months, it’s odd to see the squirming, blushing rabbit up close and personal again. There’s something to be said for seeing the immediate effects of knocking him over with my breath alone, or watching his face go pale every time I lick my lips. Such a cute little blushing face on the salt grain. I’ll have to shrink him even smaller by the time this is all done just to make up for it. Don’t want to let him get too big an ego again. Actually, that’d be another good gift to him. Let the lil crumb decide just where he gets lost. Personally, I’m betting he’ll go for strapped to my sandal again. -Alkali, PhD Test Day- Alkali sighed and closed his laptop. There wasn’t much point in documenting the experiments anymore. No one was going to read the material. He’d locked the files months ago. And it wasn’t like anyone would find the rabbit ever again. No one was searching, and even if they were, how could they find him? It would take days to comb through Alkali’s fur thoroughly enough to find the microscopic Conejito. And even then, what could they do? Alkali alone knew the formula to reverse the shrinking, and it wasn’t written down anywhere. That formula was kept safely in his memory. Without his help, the rabbit was thoroughly stuck down there. The scientist pulled up his phone and sent a message to a familiar rabbit’s number. “Hold tight. You’re getting lost in my mouth tonight.”