From Ice Cream to "Topping" | Arc 2, Chapter 6
Arghh, I know I'm supposed to only be writing about Daniel right now journal, but damn how I can't help but want to recount the that trip to Bellistall. But why? 
Honestly though, I remember how come I want to. For you see, in the process of going, I learned a truth about myself -from essentially a stranger to me at the time- that would only effectively guide me ever onwards from that point: to not only want to reach for more, but to not live with regret.
To most, this advice would seem sage-like, and reasonable to a fault. But to me, it only forced me into dealing with a dynamic in my life I wish that... even now... I could forget about...
“Water…snacks…beer and chips. That all looks about right to me! But hey, Charlie, ya need to grab anythin' else before we take off?” Derek had thoughtfully asked of me -in-between his own musings- that following afternoon after school as he went about loading up the back half of his jeep for our trip to Bellistall. I, on the other hand, couldn't stop focusing on how it seemed like I had just missed out on something really important with Daniel just a couple of hours ago.
At the time, it seemed so simple a thing, to just hand over the keys relevant to my personal kingdoms and -only after sharing a hug and a kiss between us- be on my way. In hindsight however, I just couldn't stop wondering about if I was really doing the right thing by going back to Bellistall like this, without my Shepherd there to guide me.
“Alright, so looks like we’re all packed up good and tight back here! Just gotta wait around for my buddy Domino, and his friend, then we can head out.” The Polar Bear mentioned before he came over and leaned against the same side of his vehicle I had taken to resting against. “Hey, ya know, I know we just met the other day and all, but it’s still pretty bad when even I can tell a stranger is in a bad way. Everythin' good?”
I looked downwards at the ground in response -as though I was looking for answers in the pavement- while I wondered if there existed a more diplomatic approach to answering his inquiry. “It’s... complicated…” was all I could think to say to him before a form of cottonmouth overtook me.
 “Well then, I ain’t gonna ask again. It’s not my way. But ya should talk to someone about it, whatever ‘it’ is, cause it’s runnin' so deep in yah veins, it’s written across yah face, ya know.” Derek admitted before he swung himself backward and onto the hood of his car, lying back with his paws behind his head. “Tell you what, I'm goin' let ya in on a little secret of mine a'right. Just promise ya won't tell no one, okay.”
“Okay sure, I’ll bite. What’s this bit of wisdom you’d like to share with me?” I said with a bit of a smartass tone, half expecting to hear the same bullshit everyone usually feeds me...
 “It’s a cold world for a polar bear Charlie Fair. That’s just nature bein' nature though I guess, as I’m sure ya know. And whether it’s fate, or genetics, I will always be a product of where I came from. No one can challenge their upbringin' right? But if ya stay locked in that mentality, I'll tell ya what I've noticed happens: ya become complacent, and okay with just the company of yah self. Thinking that even if ya were like some floatin' arctic debris, that had became lost to the currents of the sea, ya'd never have to feel lonely, cause you still have you.”
Surprising me instantly with a philosophy all his own, I found myself enamored by the Polar Bear as he spoke, both openly and fluidly, as he just looked upwards -his brain shaping truths in his mind his that his heart struggled to accept- towards the dark clouds that formed high above us, akin to how I've done in the past.
“Me on the other hand, I'd rather forgo contentment if struggle was what brought me back to the shore. Back to people. Cause it'd only be there where ya can find harbor to rest yah weary soul. I'd much rather believe, if I don't just give in, that there's better world out there waitin' for me; a warmer one…” He spoke softly at the end before he began to swing his key-ring around his index finger. 
Derek had become transfixed it seemed, deep in a deliberation that so perfectly mirrored my very personal own sense of contemplation, that it startled me to behold. It felt weird, to think that I wasn't the only person in the world that argued with himself, about where in the universe he belonged. Yet here stood proof of that, encased in pounds of muscle and white fur....
“Anyway, I guess I just wanted to tell ya that, in my experience, I've found it’s okay to not always be one-hundred percent sure about everythin' all the time. I say take time to think. Trust an urge ya know goes against ya person. Or maybe just believe in fairytales, every once in awhile. Because the only way to move forward, I think, is to take risks and forget ya history.”
As I stood there staring at him, anticipating what would come next, all I could think about was how much this polar bear impressed me. Strange as it felt to think about, he seemed to live like I did, with his thoughts and ideas burning on the rim and forefront of his mind. But as I observed him further, I realized quickly there was this a great difference between us both -so obvious and vast- that it could have struck at me like a bolt of lightning on a cloudless day.
The entire truth of Derek O’telo was far from easy to encapsulate, but on the surface, it seemed he had learned how to fake a true smile: a skill so sly and deceptive, master assassins and spies the world over would have willingly spent the entirety of their lives trying to hone. 
He had obviously figured out how to play the game of life, as some call it. And to make matters worse, it didn't help to stave of my jealously of his talents as he somehow easily shifted between his paradigms of philosophical confidant to party jock bear, as a rather muscular rabbit began to approach us from the side.
“O’telo, what the heck man? I had to duck out early from my last class just to get here. Why the rush big fella?” He questioned as he walked over to the bear and did something akin to a secret club handshake. “Ah, so is this the guy?”
I stood there embarrassed for some reason, which I couldn’t really understand why, seeing as how I had been getting better with introductions lately. I guess if I had to give any meaning as to why I felt like I did, it was probably because of how open Derek was about his sexuality, which only lead me to wonder, then and there, if I had accidentally found myself a part of a growing gay entourage.  
“Ya, it is. Domino, I’d like ya to meet Charlie Fair. And Charlie, this is Domino.” Derek introduced us then as the rabbit reached out his paw and we shook hands briefly. “This is Gramm's old assistant from years back. Ya remember hearin' about him right?”
“I do remember her talking about him before actually. But dammit guy, if you weren’t just that golden child I had to live up to whenever I helped there!” The rabbit laughed as he launched his backpack into the still open trunk, before he made his way for the passenger door and screamed out the familiar catchphrase “Shotgun!”
“Hey yo, wait a sec bunny! Where’s yah friend ya texted me ya’d be bringin'?” Derek clasped his hand together against his mouth to ask his friend, but not before he had surprisingly made his way over to where I stood, and opened up the passenger door for me. 
Was he really just this true a gentleman from start to finish all the time?
“Oh yeah, he should be hooking his spotted ass around the corner here any minute now! Then we can head out my bear bro!” Domino yelled confidently back at the bear before he pulled his phone out of his jacket and started to check his notifications. 
Unbeknownest to him though, I was looking, and accidentally caught a glimpse of his background wallpaper, just like how I had seen Derek’s before. This time however, I regretted my choice to peek, as the picture display showed the very same rabbit (caught in an act otherwise known as a selfie) sucking down deep on some other guy's huge, thick barbed cock with a smile. And to think there was a moment there when I thought he might be straight…
Things only got more confusing for me from there after Derek finally took his seat and began to softly argue with Domino.
“Wow” was all I could think to say at first as I watched the two of them sitting in the front seats, poking at each other like some old, married couple. “These guys are almost complete opposites. How do they get along together like that? They’re unlike any one I’ve ever met before, that’s for sure. They’re so open it seems about their sexuality, it’s making my head spin. Did they even go through the same type of emotional turmoil I had too when it came to being gay? Or were they the lucky ones, supported fully by both family and friends, who backed them up completely along the way?” 
These thoughts kept me distracted as I sat rather comfortably in the jeep's back seat -nestled almost soundly in my own little makeshift corner of the world- ready for the imminent several hour drive, while my arms remained folded together in an still inquisitive state. “Well, guess I’ll be able to find out more about them soon. Not like I have much else to do back here.”
It was wired, but I felt good to be honest, confident almost, going back to Bellistall now, with whom I hoped would grow to be supportive friends. However, as I buckled myself in and looked forward to the adventure ahead of me, all that drive turned to nausea instantaneously as a familiar spotted face mired my vision for yet a second time this week.
“Hey look, there he is now. Don’t worry though guys, he’s a pretty cool cat…” Domino said with a bit of an amorous affliction before he stuck his head out of his window and signaled someone forward to the vehicle, to which I began to pray immediately that he was calling over the ugly old cougar off in the distance, and not the snow leopard I knew all too well.
Unfortunately, as was expected with my luck as of late, it was indeed Ty who ended up approaching the vehicle. Although my knee-jerk reaction wanted to kick in and just reach my paw for the door handle and escape, so I wouldn't have to deal with the situation, I instead just bit at my lip softly and took several deep breaths. 
I couldn't help but think back to our earlier conversation, where Ty made an effort to rebuild our bridge of friendship, even if it only ever was a relationship based on lies, and held together with less strength than a paperclip binding.
As the passenger side back door swung open and he hopped in, I expected him to, at the very least, recognize who he was sitting next to right away, and perhaps gasp or hiss out of surprise. Instead, I was met by a curiosity as he sat down quickly and politely, apologized to Derek and Domino for running late, then finally looked at me, for only a second, and instantly opened up with the sentence, “Hey there guy. Name’s Ty. Ty Jones. You catching this taxi back to Bellistall too?”
I didn’t know what to say. What the hell was going on? As I stared at him confused, I looked for some answer, some sign in his face of what he was trying to accomplish. For awhile, I refused to reintroduce myself to someone I already knew. However, I caught a break eventually from the mystery when he handed me a quickly scribbled note that he had jotted down from within his bag that read “Shhh, play along Charlie. Please. I’ll explain later.”
“Well, hello there… Ty. I’m…uh… Charlie Fair. Pleased to meet you.” 
With that sentence and a following sigh concluded, the vehicle finally fired up, marking the start of our several hour drive to Bellistall. And there I was, caught between a rabbit who I barely know, a bear I want to figure out more, and a snow leopard, who for some unexplainable reason seems tethered to my fate.
As the ride initially started out, I indulged in Ty's fantasy: one as bogus as the famous childhood fables of the Saber tooth fairy or Santa Sheep. 
Thankfully the need for the lie came to an end soon enough however as we drove onwards and further, down the familiar desert strewn stretch of the highway. Domino had thankfully passed out in his seat right away, so one obstacle was down. A then a few minutes later, Derek had averted his gaze away from the road -for only a second- to ask if he could turn up his radio, because it soothed him while he drove. 
Ironically, these opposite acts of quieting down and producing noise had worked to leave Ty and I with some privacy, with us passing his laptop back and forth between us to converse in silence.
“K ‘Mr. Jones’ I’m all ears. What’s going on?” I asked him first and foremost, my right to do so predicated on the fact I had just lied to people I had barely met for him.
“Charlie, I’m sorry. Had I known, I wouldn’t have come.” Not a bad start I had initially thought, but I wanted more as he tried handing me back the computer, to which I just pushed it right back towards him.
“K fine. Domino & I... are kind of dating. We’ve been for a month or two now.” After reading this, I could only smack my head hard in disgust as I instantly recognized who’s barbed penis I had seen shoved into the rabbit’s maw not too long ago on his phone. “I was gonna tell u about him, but when we’d finally get 2 talk, like I told u I wanted 2 earlier.”
I really didn’t know what to say back to him as he looked at me sadly,  then impishly attempted to hand me back the device, which at first I had grabbed for, but instead turned myself away from and looked out the window at the passing highway surroundings. 
What came back minutes later was a bit more detailed at least, I’ll give Ty that much…
“Dammit Charlie, I’m sorry! Okay. Please know that. I’m a loser, like I said. And for everything I ever did and have done that pushed you away from me, I’ll hate myself for it forever. But please, I’m trying to be a better man here. I wanna be. You make me wanna be. It’s weird... and hard for me to admit, especially like this, but you’re my idol man. I mean look at you. Look how far you’ve come. And look how far I fell. Let’s be honest, I lost my self after we met, and especially after I broke up with my ex, so I kinda spiraled there for awhile. Basically, lots of drinking was involved: a lot. I had a hard time trying to bounce back, but then I met Domino, and that sorta helped. Truth is however, I felt like such a failure from before all that though, I just ended up giving him a fake name, because I didn’t want him to be able to look up the real me online, or something like that. Was that shitty? Probably. But even now as you look away from me, I notice something changing in me. And hit me if I’m in the wrong, but I just want us to be friends Charlie. Otherwise, and for reasons I can’t explain right now, my life seems really empty without you.”
As I finished reading it all, my heart began to sting a little. “Is it because we’re the same…” was all I could wonder solemnly to myself afterwards. I mean, how could I trust Ty? Especially after all the lies, and the subterfuge before. 
Unfortunately though, and only after I had mentally just berated Ty, was when I sadly realized something about myself that shook me to the core of my character, with a true enough fact of my life which laid awkwardly bare I couldn’t simply ignore about myself anymore...
My pride keeps me living in the past. And because of that, I wake up every day with a pain in my heart, and a sickness in my head, that only helps to poison my actions and keep me from progressing in my life. True, I have Daniel. But if I didn't, isn't the truth that I'd still be just some lonely nobody who likes to waste his time at home, and who had never learned what he was capable of?
I felt the sting of this revelation, this subtle disease that grew dark and densely over my heart, as I choked back tears I wanted no one to see. I rebelled against the realization for a minute with myself, before I finally looked away from the window and down at my paws, which trembled in frustration at just how only then had I realized what I should have said to Daniel when I left. “I need you…”
“Charlie, are you okay?” Ty questioned aloud as I looked at him with swollen eyes, then down at his laptop. I needed an outlet dammit, and if Ty was all I had, I guess I had to give in to inevitability…
“Ty, I don’t hate you. Why should I? The truth is... I hate myself. How can I be anyone’s idol when I hate how, almost every minute of every day since I left my childhood home, I haven’t ever been the same. I feel like I’m lost most days when I wake. And I can say I blame you, every now and again, for lingering doubts in my life, but really I just … really… I…” The words were right there, burning at the tips of my fingers as I typed what I wanted to say, but with a heavy sigh followed by an irregular chuckle, my mind went blank instead as I pushed the laptop down towards my feet and I instinctively just rested my head in Ty’s lap.
“Charlie, what the…” Was all he could say in a hushed tone before I latched on to his shirt, tugging softly at it as my paws curled themselves into tightened fists. And with each pull following, I felt my tears finally push out on to my cheeks and onto his lap.
The truth was I wanted to go back home now, and I don’t mean to just turn this car around and head back to Addlelark. No, I mean to Bellistall, because even as I breathlessly forgave Ty then while I cried into his person -which thankfully remained masked by the sounds coming from the radio- I knew deep down that the memories of my past, the ones which keep me mentally tied down and powerless, are the very same things I need to overcome, to find out where I belong. Like Derek had mentioned… a warmer world.
I’ve spent months now actually questioning, wondering if Daniel does enough for me, but the real question to ask is 'do I do enough for him'? Am I stalwart enough for him, or for whomever else might need to borrow my power? 
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but how do you achieve this mindset, you might wonder? By confronting what eats away at your mind, one thing at a time, and starting with the biggest offender of them all. 
And that unfortunately for me was not in dealing with the impending death of my friend, no. For me, that was going back to the very house where I spent my youngest of years growing up, abused by a family who by now hopefully had since forgotten about me.
“Ty, I forgive you. Just promise me, that when the time comes, and it might, I can lean on you for support…” It almost came across as a whispered plea as I spoke into his person, hoping what I said would touch his heart.
The sun’s setting across the horizon, and I’m now just a couple miles outside of Bellistall. And I have a lot of work to do here. I just hope I can come out of this with a new sense of pride, the kind of which I’ve never known before.
Let’s see what happens next…