From Ice Cream to "Topping" | Arc 2, Chapter 4
You're a fool Charles. You know that? There is no easier way of saying it. It's a part of who you are. Ingrained in your history. You've never been able to overcome it, not by yourself anyway, try as you may have. But... gods help me now... you still hold hope that someday you'll prove yourself wrong... right?
And regardless of how all these events so far may have come to pass, journal, for what it all leads up to, I honestly can't help but feel foolish, as I struggle to continue to write in you. Here I just am: setting you down, picking you back up, then frustratingly after just a few words in, dropping you back down in what most might consider an act of insanity. Myself expecting different results, when I know there's nothing that can change what's happening now.
I wish I could say, in hindsight, that I had become a different person by now. A stronger version of myself, by way of being a part of these experiences -some of those hurdles harder to have jumped through than others- which have shaped my past, but the horrible truth I'm realizing now is... I haven't changed at all. If anything, I've only gotten worse over time.
Want proof? Here's where I think it all began to unravel...
“Why...” Was all I could think about minute by passing minute that afternoon, as I pensively sat in my last classes of the day in an unyielding silence, save for the music that pulsed out from my headphones. 
Regrettably though, I could only seem to allow myself to coalesce and whirl back and forth in my minds eyes right then, struggling to keep perspective between that of both the Shepherd and Leopard in my life. It was all so contrasting at certain points that, despite little more than minor interruptions in its ebb and flow, my reality seemed almost frozen in place otherwise; thanks in part massively to those two, and the effect they've had on my life.
How was I to know I meant so much to somebody without even realizing it? How the hell is it that, after years of struggle and feeling lonely, I'm just barely now experiencing the malaise of not knowing something... that seems so obvious to someone else?
In response to such a revelation, I replayed the events of the day over and over again in my mind, even if such thoughts only shifted uneasily between that of Daniel’s hugs and demeanor, against the like of Ty’s tears and his humble confession. 
Truth be told, it all felt quite arduous for one wolf to try and balance out alone, this internal debate between whether my boyfriends inspiration or my growing feelings for Ty mattered more, but unfortunately that was what my situation had evolved to be. In a great twist of irony -I sadly realized- I had no one to talk with about this struggle, because the very same people I normally would seek help from in this kind of situation... they were the root cause behind all this uncertainty in my heart.
Why my mind ran itself ragged down this path of confusion now, I didn't know, especially considering how my first day back at college had gone by pretty smoothly for the most part. In fact, in-between my classes -which breezed by swiftly enough- to my classmates themselves -annoying me just the same as they always had- it all felt pretty typical a day to me. 
So, in a silent response to all these intermingling feelings, I found I could only calm my unsettled nerves by looking out towards the sky -through a nearby window from where I sat in class- and roughly running my paws backwards through my hair, brusquely pushing back on my ears in the process. 
“Ugh. How am I going to explain all of this to Daniel? Oh wait Charlie, yeah that sounds really smart to do. Just go and tell your boyfriend you’re randomly breaking out in hysteria, just because you're having regrets about another guy. Yeah, that’s sounds good…” At first, I just smirked awkwardly to myself cause of the thought, but then found a tear had managed to roll down my cheek on the other hand, myself only realizing it had formed after noticing the familiar salty taste of such prominent on my lips.
So as I exited my last class finally, in response to my internal confusion, I slammed my fist abruptly against the wall nearest me. It hurt of course, and drew the attention -and ire- of multiple bystanders, but I didn’t care. Any distraction was welcome to me then, if at all it kept me from thinking about how awkward I was feeling between trying to reconcile my feelings between Daniel and Ty.
It all continued to eat away at me, this new neurotic niche of mine, and for a good while too. But after a half hour or so, as I patiently sat and waited in the common area just outside of my last class -while the sun began to set on the horizon- my life finally gave me something new to worry about…
“Heya, ya dropped this…” I heard someone standing close to me say then, although at first I thought they were mistaking me for someone else, and I just shrugged them off. “Hey, did ya hear me? Are ya okay? It’s a-right if you want to cry ya know; I do it all the time.”
It was then, as I saw a familiar textbook of mine was being handed into my line of vision, that I turned my head finally and caught a glimpse of something new... and impressive. 
There in that moment -as if fate had given me a new gift- stood beside me one of the tallest, and most well constructed -albeit a little bit soft faced- Polar Bears I had ever seen in Addlelark. 
By way of every simple breath he took, he kept his chest expansive, and his musculature defined. Couple that with just the plain black t-shirt he wore, that hugged tightly against his frame, he innocently seemed to expose the true build of his upper body, and left nothing -fortunately- to the imagination. His features at first screamed of body builder, and yet somehow, when you zoomed back to his face, the definition of him lingered somewhere between that and the word homey too; characterizations of which I thought fit him perfectly. 
So, in summation, and for lack of more creative delineations, he was buff, fit, hopefully hung, and handsome. “Can ya hear me? Need me to call someone for ya?” He asked facetiously, knowing the answer to the first question was an obvious yes, but still held compassion in his voice as he questioned further.
“Umm… nah man, I’m good. Th... th... thank you. But umm... where’d you find this?” I replied and asked of him -after I removed my ear buds- before I pulled my backpack over my shoulder, and went to put the book away. Knowing my bad habit of losing things, I was half expecting to see it open, only to find it was still zipped shut, just as I had left it earlier. 
“Well, earlier ya got out of 'Analytics 103: Composition and Deconstruction' with Mr. Klempke right? I sat behind ya. Don’t know if ya even noticed me. Ya kinda seemed like ya were in ya own little world. Anyhoo, saw ya left that behind. Was just gonna give it back to ya next time I saw ya... but then I saw ya… here.” The bear trailed on at the end as he looked around at everyone else, who was still judgmentally staring in my direction. 
“Well. Then, extra thanks for holding on to this for me. I kind of have a bad habit of always leaving something behind when it comes to this place hehe.” I jokingly -and just as impishly- chuckled at the end of my speech, remembering immediately afterwards that it was a scenario and circumstance, just like this, which Daniel had used as his opportunity to wander into my life in the first place too.
“No thanks needed; neighborly thing to do and all. Seriously though, ya look a bit, umm... what is it ya city folk say… diss-trot? I'm done here for the day. I can hang around if ya wanna talk. I got time.” He said as he kneeled down almost immediately, and then just as quickly rested his back against the wall nearest to us.
“I think you mean distraught right? But no, I’m cool big guy. Can’t you tell from how I smile?” I said with a silly grin and voice -for reasons I knew why not then- before I posed and postured for him afterwards, trying -albeit embarrassingly- to pass off a clever quip as well, but in the end felt as though I had failed miserably in both respects. 
“Wow, who am I pretending to be for this guy?” I thought overly critical of myself as I harshly and internally dismissed myself following, just as I always did, as another nobody, very in line with what I had used to do whenever it came to my appearances in the past. 
His overall response surprised me however, while he just smiled back congenially, as he began to reach out one of his massive paws in my direction -keeping it open handed so as to convince me his intentions remained pure- and caught one of my free hands. With his grip now firmly keeping my paw locked in his own, he innocently pulled me down softly so that I might join him, to which I felt an overwhelming sense of adrenaline begin to work its way through my body after that; exciting me happily, and yet shamefully to admit, in inappropriate ways...
“Well, I don’t know too much about cool, but I was thinkin' it do make ya look cute…” The polar bear said softly afterwards, as if almost under his voice, as a shy smirk grew across his face. Who was this guy? Why was he going out of his way to make me feel good? But more importantly however: why did his vernacular sound so familiar to me…
“Wait, what’d you say?” I asked quickly after finally realizing what he had said.
“Ugh, oh t'was nothin'. Name’s Derek by the way. Derek O’telo.” The Bear said as his paw returned before me again, this time extended out and into a friendly, well-meaning handshake.
“O’telo? Wait, no you can’t be…” My mind began to spin almost instantly at the mention of the name, wondering if this Derek was in any way somehow related to my elder friend Esther O’telo, who ran O’telo’s Panaderia down in the heart of Bellistall City. The very same city I had ran away from over six years ago, when I was only thirteen years old.
“Wait, what was your last name again?” I questioned of him once more, wanting to make sure I hadn’t heard him wrong.
“Ah, so ya’ve heard that name before? Yeah, my grams and I used to run a bakery in downtown Bellistall together. Well, mostly it's just me now. But she’s such a sweet old gal though. Have ya ever been to our shop before… mister…?”
“Fair. Charlie Fair. And uh... yeah!” I shook my head happily in response and extended my paw out this time towards him to meet for the shake. “Your grandma and I go way back. I helped her out a lot while I was growing up in Bellistall, to make some extra pocket change for my fam… well, let’s just say for spending money. Even helped her come up with a recipe once too...” I spoke so assuredly to Derek then about my past, before I finally remembered why the taste of the Danish I had had earlier dispensed from the vending machine seemed so familiar. 
“Oh yah, she mentioned something like that before. Wait... you said Fair? As in F-A-I-R? Ya joshin' me right?” The bear laughed before he slapped his knee gleefully and smiled just as strongly. “Course I heard of ya before! Gram’s never stops talkin' about ya actually! Say’s she owes ya some… royyalites… or somethin' like that. Say’s she misses seein' ya around too.” He smiled as his hand overshadowed my own in its size as we squeezed them together comradely.
“She misses me…” My mind had pretty much blown itself up finally, as I deliberated on that phrasing, and how its meaning ironically echoed back to what I was just thinking about earlier before all this came up. 
Growing up, no one I ever thought I had met gave two cents worth of time to ever think about me, and yet here I stood corrected as the familiar memories of my second home long since passed flooded back into my mind. “Someone else actually cared to remember me too…”
“Mighty glad to make ya acquaintance Fair!” Derek startled me back into awareness as he raised his voice excitedly afterwards, wherein afterwards our gentle handshake had instead turned into something more meaningful, as he pulled me happily towards his person and wrapped an arm fully around me, all while his massive frame squeezed at the side of my person. 
As a consequence to such an action, I found I had unintentionally begun to pick up on the bear's scent, admiring -accidentally at least- how well his musk mixed with my own. 
So in a sort of a systematic response, I innocently -well more subconsciously anyway- wrapped my arm what I could around him then, and ultimately couldn’t help but notice how all of him felt so engrossingly soft and gentle, like his fur could have been mistaken for a tuft of goose down. 
“Man, she’ll feel so much better now, I’m sure of it! Knowin' you’re doing okay at least." 
“Better now?" My voice had asked with worried affliction as my body remained constricted in his grip. "Is she okay?” 
“Huh? Yeah, I guess ya wouldn’t know, seein' it’s been awhile since ya’ve been around. She’s sick though Fair. Real sick. Diabetes doc’s say. She ain't got long...” The bear admitted as I noticed his grip loosening, and his gaze floating away elsewhere.
“What?” Was all I could think to say as we both pulled away from each other at the same time. And just as quick as a bullet, all my subtle hints of fondness and horniness faded away instantly, and instead were replaced with a feeling all too familiar to me: dread. “Umm… do you know how long she has?”
“Weeks... maybe less...” Derek spoke softly with a broken, raspy voice.
“Wow. Is she… umm… can I…” I continued to stammer on innocently, but also took the time to realize then that I had let the worries of my own life go yet again, and instead replaced them with something more important: compassion.
“Yah man, ya should come and see her. She’d love that.” He smiled softly again finally as he lifted his backpack on to his shoulder and began to stand up. “I’d be willing to head back to Bellistall if ya wanted to catch up with her.”
“But we’re in Addlelark now. Bellistall is like five hours away from here.” I remarked as he took his phone out of pocket and unlocked the device, instantly finding himself busy with musings of his own design as I continued on. “And I’m sure you have more important things to do, besides driving back and forth between here and there.” 
“Nah, it’s more like three hours with how I drive. And I just sent her a message saying ya’d be stoppin' by. Wouldn’t make a liar out of me would ya?” He questioned of me, while I reflexively began to feel my heart drop into the pit of my stomach: at the thought of going back to my birthplace, to where my nightmares had actually first begun.
“But, but, but… I’ve got a boyfriend.” I said proudly and awkwardly in response, though this time I noticed with a more natural inflection; even if for some reason to me it seemed like I was only bringing up Daniel as a justification to excuse myself from the trip.
“Not really what I asked, but okay. Still, ya gotta go. If only for a day. Hell, he can come too if he wants. I'm a probably bring my friend Domino along for the ride. And he’s got a buddy now too I guess, so it’ll make for an exciting road trip at least!” Derek remarked as he handed me his phone, the wallpaper of which showed two extremely hot canines in very tight form fitting Speedos. “Figured ya wouldn’t mind the picture, seein' as ya just admitted to liking dudes!”
“Well... you got me there! But why’d you hand it to me?” I asked confused, secretly absorbing the background picture into my subconscious all the while for a later, more personal use.
“Well, I’d ask ya for your numbah out right, but then that’d feel like I’m asking ya out more on a date. Right?” He laughed lightly afterwards as I punched in my phone number on the touch screen and handed the device back to him, which for some reason caused him to hang his head sideways in confusion for a minute.
“What’s up?” I asked, curious as to why he stared at his phone like he did.
“Eh, ain’t nothing, just was thinkin' is all.” He remarked as he re-pocketed his phone quickly, and then looked back at me with a big goofy grin. “So. I’m gonna guess the boyfriend’s in class, and ya just waiting like a good pup right?”
“Huh? Oh no, I'm actually waiting on him to pick me up. I’ll ask him about the trip tonight though.” I mentioned in response, not realizing until the end of the sentence that I had actually committed myself to the idea as well.
“So, guess that means ya do care! That’s good. She always told me how sweet ya were. Honestly, I always wanted to meet ya Fair; make sure that I was being at least half the person she described ya as.” He admitted as he gathered himself together -after readjusting his shirt- and then turned himself away from me. 
“I’ll send ya a message here in a bit, so you can have my numbah. And then ya let me know when ya good to travel!” He continued on as his stride carried him forward, but not before he stopped short for a second. “And even if not, I’ll still tell Gram's that she wasn’t forgotten about.” He finished softly as he looked back towards me and nodded his head, then afterwards made his way towards the exit nearest where we stood.
“Hey... wait, Derek!” I called out to him, to which he parked himself by the doorway for a second to listen. “Thanks! For the talk! I’ll let you know!” I hollered out to him as the doors swung wide open for his body following, and he left my field of vision proper. 
Afterwards, my thoughts aligned back to my impressions of him, which largely hinged on two ideas consecutively: one, of how I actually managed to overcome my general shyness and legitimately speak to someone like him, and two, of how awesome his ass looked as he strolled away.
“Well, guess I'm obligated to this now. Not that I shouldn't want to go anyway. But what’ll I tell Daniel about all this?” I thought cursorily about the situation at first, but then steadily shifted my notions to worry afterwards. After all unfortunately, Daniel had missed his mother's passing, and -even if there is always a chance of something similar happening again someday- I'm not at all sure how he'd take, to being a part of that circle of life again so soon. 
Well, guess I just get to have an important conversation with Daniel when we get home. He'll understand though. Why wouldn't he? Let's see what happens...