From Ice Cream to "Topping" | Arc 2, Chapter 2
Journal… what sin did I commit, where everything I’ve accomplished in my life up until this point seems to mean so little in the end; against the thought that all my dreams may disappear soon? Why is it even now, I can’t manage to raise my head off this little table as I write in you; every breath I breathe so heavy, and full of weight, I feel like I could crash through the world if I even dared standing up now.
You know, I remember that first week back at college so very well journal. Perhaps though that was because, at its epicenter, rested the root cause behind the decay that infected my life so much now. The first day had indeed -from what I can recall- started out amazing, so where and when it went so wrong, maybe I’ll realize now, as I write down the memories and share them with you...
“Wow, would you check this place out? Damn, talk about a zoo…” Daniel scoffed out loud -while driving the little piece of crap car I owned- as we both remembered then the scope of madness which I alone was about to descend into.
With a bit fondness though, we both smiled -thanks to this place being where we met each other in the first place- as we drove onto the campus; thick and littered with nothing but irritating traffic, the like of which was entirely composed of slack jawed college commuters, who'd always seem to bunch together at the most inopportune of times.
Not that I couldn't appreciate the irony -in memories of my past- that I too perhaps used to be just like them. However, I was happy to admit -and excitedly as well- that I'm no longer one of these sad lifeless drones who just meander about the college, and through life itself, wondering if they even know where they belong. Compared to them, I am now one who knows his place, and its somewhere I'd always prefer to remain...
Ignoring from the get-go all the ground level parking, and the ridiculous fees they imposed just for staring at their spaces, Daniel and I instead opted for a parking structure we had seen coming in, which towered over three stories high. It conveniently enough was straddled in-between both my lecture hall, and where the Shepherd could take the freeway exit ramp back home; where he promised, before we had left, he would at least tidy up the house... after some online rounds of Ultra Crush Bros, I knew of course, he was going to be all about today. 
“Alright, time to head out pup! Let’s grab your stuff so we can tell each other bye!” Daniel exclaimed with a hint of enthusiasm before he parked the vehicle and we both shuffled out together.
I noticed the parking structure was an eerie sort of quiet that afternoon -such as they often are- as we opened up the backdoors of the car simultaneously. Immediately following, we somehow synchronously also -him beating me to the sack- reached for my belongings, to which afterwards, we just found ourselves stopping and gazing at one another over the span of the backseat. 
Without a word spoken yet between us, the Shepherd just looked at me, with his infectious smile, before he tossed me over the bag, and then licked seductively at the air in front of him. The action of course made me smile back, but it also opened up a familiar can of reasoning I often wondered where he got it all from. 
As it stood, even to this day, I've never completely understood what the Shepherd saw in me. After all, with his personality and chiseled physique -only two of a myriad of awesomeness to mention about him-  he could have anyone he wanted. And yet, he seems to have chosen me. 
Clearly something grabbed the attention of this Adonis of a dog, and for that I'll always remain thankful...
“Dan… I… umm… Hmm, how should I put this? This moment actually feels kind of weird to me. The part about leaving you alone, I mean, for the first real time. Which is all your fault by the way... seeing as how, up until now, you've just kept joining me on my excursions to work! *Chuckles* Anyway though, I guess what I supposed to say here is... I hope you have a good day hun. And that we’ll meet back here, after my last class let's out at around five, right?” I questioned nervously of Daniel there at the end as I looped the single strap of my backpack over my shoulder.
“Yeah, that sounds good Lee! And I hope you have a good day too!” Daniel had barked out happily at first. That is, until he quickly recognized the apprehensive tone I was using, not unlike the very same I had whenever something was weighing heavy on my mind.
And just like in times when rain seems to not want to quit, in the moments that followed next, I stood humbled; immobile in my disbelief that Daniel still had this much to offer.
Perhaps only a shock on par with when he admitted he loved me in the first place, Daniel surprised me then as he waltzed over to the side of the car I was on, and just stood there -scratching his lowered head- silently for a full minute, until he reached forward quickly and pulled me into his arms, bringing me deep into his embrace, as I nestled comfortably into his chest, a home more natural to me than any I’ve ever known before…
“You know Charlie, I know over these last few months, life with me hasn't always been easy. Sometimes impossible,  I'm sure, *chuckles* especially whenever I hog up the TV or the computer, am I right? But understand something please... I’m yours, and I would do anything for you. I love you. And nothing will ever change that... that warmth that has taken root deep inside of me. So, you keep your head up and stand proud my love. And I'll be right here beside you, for as long as you'll have me!” Daniel proclaimed as he rubbed at my back softly, comforting my angst riddled mind slowly, as his paws massaged at muscles I hadn't even realized had grown tense. 
“You know, just to give you some comfort regarding what you're about to do, let me also just say... how proud of you I've grown to be as well. You've certainly grown with confidence, as far as I can see. Especially in regard to adult related matters, such as college here. And whether that's because of me, I don't know... but what I do know is that if I never met you, I’d still be lost; never realizing there was a bigger world outside the sheltered life I had while growing up."
"Oh Dan, you don't have to tell me this..." I remarked as I gently pushed away from him, only to observe a German Shepherd with tears forming in his eyes next; like our situations had suddenly been reversed...
"Yeah I do. I really do. In fact, I not only owe you it, but Guiles as well. And Mom...” I could hear the break in his voice then as I lifted his head to meet leveled with my own. “I owe you all gratitude, more so than seems possible for any one person to harbor, and yet here it all resides; resting in my heart, waiting for me to do something with its presence. I need to do something, like you all have done for me. And I will. Just you wait and see!” The Shepherd exclaimed at the end before he leaned in and kissed me tenderly, as the warmth of his breath gingerly slipped its way into my body, surrounding my heart in a heat sometimes I forget is mine now to own.
“Daniel… I… I love you too. You can do or be whatever you wanna be, and I'll be right there beside you too.” I let out the words that had encircled my heart following as I held the Shepherd's head pressed softly against my own.
"Thank you Lee. I’m afraid for so many reasons, of so many things; many of which I’m afraid to admit outside of my heart and mind, especially to you. I mean, yeah sure, I'm strong... but I think I'm that way only because I have you now. And that’s why I can go forward with confidence in myself, and succeed at whatever I want to do.” The Shepherd ended with such conviction, with such a voice, it made me tremble inside just a bit at its passion.
“Everything will come back to us someday babe. We can have it all. That good life, like we've talked about; I promise you that much.” The Shepherd smiled before he hugged me again, squeezing me even tighter in his grip, while in tandem I overheard several students making their way in our direction then.
As I waited to hear familiar snickers and jeers of my peers who were coming our way, the usual neurotic side of me wanted to pull Daniel off of me of course, right then and there. The loving side of me however, the very one which he helped me to cultivate, didn’t care at all, because as far as it was concerned, the world felt right to me. 
Now sure enough, there were still some lingering... flaws... concerning my being with Daniel. But just as he did for me, I had to trust my feelings for him were worth the investment. It’s all any boyfriend can really do in the end, for the man in their life. It's hard to do from time to time, of course, but nothing in this world, or so I have been told, worth having comes easy…
“Okay Shep. I believe you. Now please, get yourself back home sexy… my class started like ten minutes ago!” I informed him as a single tear began to form and fell down the side of my cheek, the whole of which Daniel’s jacket caught. 
“Before I let you go though, I just want to tell you… when you’re cold, I'll be your blanket. And when I’m hurt, I want you to be the bandage. We complete each other. Maybe more than you’ll ever realize. And for you, I just want to remain a strong proud person; this better version of me than who I was before you came into my life.” I whimpered softly as I remained locked in Daniel's embrace, tightly held by the only person who ever has shown me their heart, and who let me know what it's like to feel loved.
“I love you too Charlie… I love you so much.” Daniel whispered into my forehead before he leaned down and nudged his muzzle length softly against my own, making all of my bad thoughts of school and life just disappear in that moment of tenderness from him.
As we broke away from each other finally afterward, him heading one way and myself in another, I felt good in saying, with full confidence, that we were both emotionally heading in the same direction all the same: I loved him, and he loved me. 
In the end, that’s enough. It needs to be enough…
 “Well Charlie, looks like we’ve made it back here again; stuck in college for another round. Although, it is funny to think about how so many things have changed for me of late, and yet this place has remained the same…” I thought to myself that following afternoon, yet moaned aloud alternatively, as I stood there in the hallway of my current lecture hall; waiting patiently for both my next class to start -seeing as how I missed my first class since I was late -and the slow turning mechanism of the snack machine in front of me to finish up in its operation.
As I waited there for my chosen goodie to fall, I found myself subconsciously surveying the world around me, thinking about how it seemed now there was something different about the school, although at first the reason eluded me as to why. 
Then it hit me suddenly. There were more bodies than I had ever remembered there being here before. Although, in fairness to the college, I was actually keeping my head held up high now, and wasn’t just letting it hang down, in a state of what some might have regarded as depression. 
As I observed outwardly towards the sea of people that hobbled and bounced about in front of me, I realized that I was really and truly seeing this world for what it was for the very first time. With my new sense pride inside my soul driving my thoughts and interpretations along the way. 
And because of that inner peace, I could see it all now. From the individual animal's faces and what collectively made them all up, to their smiles and frowns in between… I was finally seeing it all now. It felt almost surreal to me to ingest so much new information, but even as it seemed overarching in its entirety, it truly was a new reality. Totally re-imagined just for me for the first time in my life. I finally understood that there had always been more of a world out there than I had initially ever given it credit for.
Minutes had only passed for me -it felt- while I continued to blankly stare out into the mass of my classmates, until I finally overheard the familiar echo of a vending machine dispensing its product right behind me, which in turn instantly got my attention as my ears perked in its auditory direction. Without so much as a thought, I excitedly reached my paws into the machine underbelly, and pulled out the cherry/almond/raspberry pastry as quickly as was possible from the dispenser, wanting desperately then to get something in my stomach as soon as was possible; seeing as Daniel and I had to skip breakfast for less... conventional delicacies.
“Damn… wow… now this was worth the wait! Dang… gonna have to remember this brand so I can tell Daniel about it later on!” I smiled in tandem with my thoughts as I took to un-wrapping the confection, and then instantly bit at the creamy treat that graced my muzzle. The taste of it felt so reassuring and new to me, and yet somehow familiar in a strange way too, like an old flavor of life I forgot existed, but that harmonized with me still all the same. Comforting me in the deepest of respects as I continually nibbled away at the Danish-like treat.
As I licked at my lips so to savor the remaining flavor of my lunch-and remove any remaining morsels off my face- I browsed around for a minute or two then, for a quiet place to sit and rest, seeing as how my next class wouldn’t be starting up for another two hours anyway. 
At first, in honesty, my thoughts had simply loitered on just going outside and lying in the nearby grass, and just let both the world, and time, pass me by as I just stare up at the clouds. But as I thought about it more, I knew of a much more productive way to pass my time...
After finally making the ultimate decision as to what I wanted to do, I shoved the rest of the delicious pastry treat straight into my maw, while simultaneously scooping up at my belongings, and then afterwards mentally began to plot what would be the straightest shot across the campus to where I wanted to spend my remaining time waiting.
Only after I had pushed my way outside the building, and past the crowds of gaggling students that had congregated in the front of it -blocking the only main stairwell- for some reason, did an immediate influx of sights and sounds hit me swiftly, as a cold wind bared its fangs against me then. 
All things considered though, I must say it certainly felt good to be back on the campus, and be able to stretch out my paws again. Truth be told, no matter how amazing it may have been getting to spend time with him, being cooped up in my apartment with Daniel for what was basically the entire span of the summer certainly was a bit of a burden for me to bear. 
Now, that isn’t to say that it all didn’t feel magical to me in its own way. But no matter how much I love the Shepherd, for when he is being both my hero and champion, it was truly a challenge of titanic proportions for me to switch between nothing but work and home. 
And so for this reason, among the many more that swirled about innocently in my mind, I had finally decided that now -of any- was an appropriate enough time for me to indulge in a past passion of mine. 
 “Now, let’s see what this new year's freshmen have packing, eh.” I snickered inwardly as my deviant nature overtook me then and propelled me forward, footpaw by eager footpaw, into the lobby entrance of where -what I refer to as my palace of peace and leisure- I freely admit I had spent many a minute of mine in the past... just watching the men of this campus swim about.
Without a doubt, by means of memories coupled with the instant and easily recognizable smell of pool water in the atmosphere biting at my nose, I could only smile from ear to ear as I approached the familiar front counter for the first time in what felt like forever. I excitedly and readily showed my student ID card to the receptionist next as I looked around -with glee strewn across my face- before I found myself presented with an all too familiar set of items; a locker key and complementary towel.
Why had I even the need to come back here you might wonder, what with the ice cream sundae I had to call my own at home waiting for me? Well to you I greedily mention: isn’t it nice to think about, every once in awhile, what a flavor of ice cream other than your standard affair might taste like; even if you know, deep down, you’ll always default to your first choice anyway?
As I made way towards the back changing room for just the men, I found myself strangely drawn to how weird it was that -even for as long as I had been away- all the subtle yet familiar nuances of this place had remained intact. From the décor and awnings on the walls, to the familiar squish of the wet tiled floor and how it felt beneath my feet. As if I knew every inch of the place, I could be a blind man leading a blind man passing through, and yet still somehow manage to avoid the drainage slots where the water run off's existed; for just after the guys went and showered away the chemicals from the pool off their bodies.
Yep, it all smelled of nothing but shampoo and hygiene in that room, but I didn’t care, because here in this element, I had always felt my most comfortable, and little to nothing could ever change that for me. Not that any situation had ever arisen here that would make me feel otherwise anyway…
With a sigh of fondness following, I sat myself in front of this familiarly appointed locker I ironically always found myself saddled up with, which rested in an area where very little people, if ever, even stepped a foot towards. At the end of the day though, this seclusion was a blessing for me, because even though I loved the rush of watching another guy strip down to his bare essentials right in front of me, I ironically hated for others to catch me in the same manner.
I think it's best explained my taste in voyeurism now, and how it has always been more of a private affair to me; the age-old rule of 'look, but don’t touch' always striking me as a smarter and safer way to behave, especially when weighed heavily against the plethora of problems -whenever I had engaged in such indiscretions before- that could arise should I change that mantra, the worry of which always lingered in the back swell of my thoughts constantly, and especially now for plainly obvious reasons.
“Well, time to go Charlie. Don’t want to miss out on anyone doing a backstroke hehe!” I thought -both deviously and confidently- about the guys that could be waiting out there for me, as I pulled my shirt off over my head, and then proceeded to head out towards the familiar bleachers I liked to sit in over by the main pool. From there I could just watch all the beautiful men as they swim and glide on by, all of them thankfully -and blissfully- unaware of my wandering eye.
At least, I was on my way to do that, until...
“…So, what’s your next move big guy? Pre-med? Pharmacy tech maybe? Sky seems like the limit for you buddy!” I heard someone talk about off in the distance before they slowly approached the locker room then.
“Well Domino, I can’t really say, or be sure right now ya know. It's easy for ya, since ya daddy wants ya to join in ya family business. But as for me, I don’t know man. I gots' my grand mammy's shop to tend to now after all. I'll probably have to stick with that for a bit, and see what happens.” I could hear the deeper of the voices growing closer, pace by pace, as I hid in a corner so as not to be seen, though for what reason I was doing so was a mystery even to me at the time. 
All I can say was I was interested in hearing their conversation...
“Oh c’mon Derek. That ain’t like you at all. I mean really, how long have we known each other? Since first grade? I know you better than I know myself, and dude... you’re meant for bigger, LARGER, and better things!” I heard Domino speak again as I sat myself down on the bench closest to me now, finding myself ironically locked into thinking about the same things they were discussing now. 
It felt weird to me that of anywhere I could have contemplated such thoughts, it would be here, in such a public forum. But perhaps ultimately, it was the comfortability of the location that drove me to ask myself those sorts of hard questions then. What was my purpose in being in college now anyway? What should I do? What do I even major in? Oh sure, in reality I have my goals and dreams just like anyone else does and do, but are they enough of a testament to my worth as a wolf? 
In the end, will I feel as though my accomplishments mattered here at all? And lastly, what defines that moment when you can look back on your life and think, “Wow, I did do that, didn’t I?” It hurt my head to think of it all, but I was getting old enough to ask myself these things, because if I didn’t now, I’d just end up falling behind, and look back on my life and wonder “What if?”
“Knock it off bunny man, ya know I hate when ya mention anything about my size. Ain’t my dang fault I’m a big ol’ freaking polar bear after all!” I heard them laughing now as I heard their locker doors open and close in unison, indicating to me then that perhaps they were finishing up their business and were deciding to move along. Although I’d wait around silently for a few more minutes, just to be sure they do in fact leave.
“You’re too uptight my bear friend. Go score some tail tonight, you’ll be aces off for it. I know. Just look at me. Hell, I got me some booty planned a... half hour from now buddy!” I heard the smarmy rabbit laugh as his voice started to echo further away.
“Yah well, it's not like cute next door guys come my way every day ya know!” I heard the bear motoring off too finally, as the final slam from his locker brought about the silent familiar echo of the changing room.
“Cute next door guy huh? Well, he certainly sounded sexy…” I thought for a split-second as I resumed stripping off my shirt and thought about this bear and his strong, yet gentle tone. “Wait… dammit! Charlie, stop that! Eyecandy is one thing, but don't go bringing romantic notions into the mix. Hell, you recall how badly that situation turned out with that Snow Leopard. Just... remember, no one will ever be able to compare with Daniel. No one."
Yeah, that’s what I told myself anyway as I marched onwards to the pool happily and confidently, eager for an eyeful of anything I could get. Let's see what happens next...