The Quiet Man Review
Uuuuuuuggggghhhhhh...
Hello everyone. So, I looked at a game called The Quiet Man. Never heard of it? Not surprised. It was shown on E3, yes, really, and then never heard from again. In fact, most people's reaction to that announcement was: "Eh."
And believe it or not, it was actually made by Square Enix... while Kingdom Hearts 3 was still in development at that point. Nice to see where their priorities lie. Anyways, this game... if you can call it that, is nothing special and is probably the worst game out of the year it came out. It's 2018's Ride to Hell Retribution and God forbid we need another game like that!
So, let's dive right in and try to figure out what the hell's going on in The Quiet Man. ... I just realized something, there's a movie called The Quiet Man. So not even the title's original. Wow.
STORY
Our story begins with our main character named Dane who's walking down the streets and encounters a bunch of gang members and proceeds to beat the shit out of them. Uh... interesting start, I guess? And then noticed that there's no sound. That's right, this is the game's main gimmick. You see, Dane is deaf and the sounds are either silent or slightly muffled. But I ask you, why would do they do this? I can't tell what's going on or what the hell the characters are saying!
Thankfully, there's a patch slash new game to start off with sound. Which makes the first campaign entirely pointless and redundant. So, Dane's all broken up about his mom dying and stuff, boo hoo, sad poop. Oh, and get fucking used to this because the game constantly reminds you that D A N E ' S M O M I S D E A D.
I really wish I was exaggerating or making a joke. Nope. They remind you a total of 29 times. 30 if you count the Game Over and trust me, you will die a lot in this game. Not because its hard, but because its poorly designed as all hell. Anyways, there's also a singer named Lala who strangely looks a lot like Dane's mother. Shoved in symbolism? I think so.
So a kidnapping happens and Dane sets off to rescue Lala and find out what the hell's going on. Along the way, we meet a detective who's also Dane's father who has quite the toxic relationship and I just realized something. How the fuck is anybody supposed to hold a conversation with Dane if he's deaf? I mean, reading lips is a thing but they never address it, hell, they even have sign language only to chuck that out the window.
WHAT DO YOU WANT GAME?! So... in some bizarre twist, turns out that it's a two-man job. Lala wanted to be kidnapped so she could get away from the Gangster life and be free, and contacted Dane's father and Dane to carry out the job. And for some reason, Dane has split personality disorder? Huh?
Oh, and get this. The reason why Dane's mother is dead and he's so hung up about it? We cut to the past where two guys are fighting for some shoes and one of them has a gone, and it seems Dane's not as smart as he was back then as he goes up to them to greet this. Is this kid fucking retarded? ... What? I can't say that? Meh, I don't care. This game deserves it for such shitty writing.
Anyway, Dane's mom, like a fucking dumbass, doesn't even stop him, best parents of the year ladies and gentlemen, and get's shot. Aaaaaand that's it. All because of shoes.
*Buries face in hands*
... Fuck my life.
So Dane remembers: "Oh yeah, my two best friends slash collogues killed my mom over shoes. I'mma fuck them up!" I really wish I was making that up to, that's what happens. And then we fight Dane's father as the final boss which makes no sense since earlier in the story while he and Dane are investigating as to where Lala is, Dane's father was shot by some gang members and left for dead.
And... he's somehow alive? What? And no, he wasn't wearing a bullet proof vest, he just... came back. For no reason. Oh yeah, Dane also get's the same treatment. He was shot by his ex-friend and for some reason... he teleported and dons the Quiet Man persona he made as a kid because S Y M B O L I S M.
I hate this game so much.
And Dane has super powers! Because... sure! WHY NOT. So he and his father fight and I guess... they get that out of their system and everything's all honkey dorey and Lala's still trapped or free or fucking whatever, I don't care. Just end it.
I know this seems all jumbled but so is the damn game. I honestly cannot tell you for the life of me what the fuck is going on. The struggle is real people. The struggle is real.

GAMEPLAY
The game plays like a Poor Man's Yakuza. You punch, kick, use combos and the environment to beat enemies. And it's the same type of enemies over and over and over again. You can't even pause or save the game while in gameplay! No, what you have to do is go up to a TV or a monitor and interact with it.
That's such a fucking stupid design choice. Why would they do this?! Also, to use your special attacks is rather strange. You see a blue aura at the top right of the screen and that somehow is there to let you know to use it just in case. This game tells you diddly dick. It's not that special and the game is so poorly designed. Also, we have FMV's for some reason?
Why? We live in an age now that we can use advanced engines and programs to do anything. Why do we need this? It makes the game look dated and the transition from FMV to actual game graphics looks like utter shit. Everyone's all plastic looking and shiny. No one looks like this.
MUSIC
The music's rather nice, but nothing home to write about. At least, when you can fucking hear it!
SOUNDS
When you have actual sound, the voice acting's... decent. Not great, but decent.
FUN FACTOR
Non-existent. Next.
FINAL THOUGHTS AND SCORE
The Quiet Man was a complete fucking disaster and everyone hated it, it certainly doesn't help that you had to play it TWICE, just to find out what the flying fuck is going on! I can't see anyone having fun with this.
My final score is...
0/10
Yep. A big fat zero. It deserves it. The game is so God damn pretentious, obnoxious and "artistic" that it's downright insulting. Nothing is explained, the characters are dull and lifeless, the conflict is fucking stupid, and it all amounts to as a waste of time. Do not get this game. It fucking sucks.
REWRITE
I honestly cannot think of anything. This thing is just fucking doomed from the get-go. Even if there was a rewrite or change... The damage has been done. It's 2018's Ride to Hell Retribution. Instead of being made by Deep Silver, it was made by Square Enix.
That's all I have to say. I know the perfect sign language to end it on.
*Gives the game a middle finger*
Perfect.