A Troll in Central Park Review
Stares at VHS Cover with contempt.
Why must you forsake me Don Bluth? Oh, hello. So! This is something different. I'm reviewing a movie this time around called A Troll In Central Park and it was made by Don Bluth. In case you have no idea who that is and lived under the rocks like S A V A G E S ! (I'm kidding), he was an animator and storyteller who made All Dogs go to Heaven, An American Tail, The Land Before Time and of course, The Secret of Nimh.
Well... after branching off from Steven Spielberg, Bluth had the bright idea to go independent and start his own studio and well, uh... it didn't exactly work. The first bits of insanity started with Rock-A-Doodle, then Thumbelina, Pebble and The Penguin and finally, this film. Yeahhhh... this was pretty much the death knell of Don Bluth. Annastasia brought it back, only for Titan A.E to flop and garner mix reception.
So, let's go into the madness that is Don Bluth's world and dive into... ugh... A Troll in Central Park. Yay.
STORY
Our story begins at a creepy dark place called the Kingdom of Trolls, that look like scaly people with lion tails for some reason. We meet our main character Stanley the Troll, who looks like a combination of Dopey from Snow White and Bilbo Baggins from Lord of the Rings. Anyway, he has a green thumb, literally, that can make plant life grow and make them sentient.
Jesus Christ how horrifying...
He almost get's caught as the Troll on guard duty laughs dumbly and walks off. I swear, I did not add this dialogue. This is from the film.
Troll Guard: I'm a bad troll~ A very bad troll!~
... What, did a fucking five year old write this script? So Stanley arrives back at his home and-Oh fuck me. There's more of these flowery fuckers! He decides to make a big rose but stupidly makes it too big and get's exposed. Yeah, apparently growing flowers and wildlife in the kingdom is outlawed because... er... uhm... actually, why is that?
Oh well, no time for that! We need to introduce our villain named Gnorga. Yes, that's her name and she sounds like Ursula the Sea Witch from The Little Mermaid, I'm not even kidding. We have our first musical number called "The Queen of Mean". I'll save you from the suffering.
Blah, blah, blah, she talks how totally evuls she is and turns objects and people to stone. The end. After that's done, her and her husband named Llort, what is with these names? Why is Stanley the normal one? Anyways, they decide to banish him and leave him to die. Llort says there's a place where there's rock and steel and nothing grows.
And Gnorga sends Stanley to the place she has no idea what her husband's talking about and is transported to... Central Park, New York. ... Uhm, guys? It's a PARK. There are plenty of grows and plants there dumbasses! So we get a long chase sequence where Stanley avoids being eaten by a dog, collides with a squirrel, chased by more stray dogs, runs into traffic and almost get's eaten in a restaurant.
Oh my God, get to the fucking point movie! I don't have all day you know! Anyways, he decides to hide under a bridge (tee hee) and makes a marijuana bed. ... Er, I mean, a grass bed. Now, meet our other main characters, a boy named Gus and a baby girl named Rosie along with two British parents for some reason voiced by... Jonathan Pryce and Haley Mills???
What the fuck are they doing in this movie?! The father has a job doing... uh... something, and the mother is real estate or some designer? I'm not sure what jobs they have, but they're too busy and Maria is sent to housekeep and look after the two kids. Gus has an idea and sneaks out and almost loses Rosie a few times.
I'd just like to reiterate, we have two kids walking around New York City. Alone. With no parents or supervision. And nobody finds this odd? Then again, it's New York, it's the master of not giving a fuck sometimes. So Rosie stumbles upon a secret hole underneath the bridge and finds Stanley, and they both play and cheer each other up.
Also, Rosie pecks Stanley on the cheek as he tries to get... erm... really close to her. Uhhhhhh... Stranger danger! Stranger danger! Where's my pepper spray?! We then have another musical number and the main theme of the movie called "Simply Green" and it's... ugh.
The sappiest fucking shit I've ever heard in my life. God, somebody save me from this torture! It gets worse. This is where the movie stops and actually forgets there's a story here. We have Stanley and one flower trying to entertain Rosie and when she cries, there's an interpretive dance number.
Oh. My. Fucking. God. Make it stop. Gus enters (finally!) and puts a stop to this and sums up my reactions here.
Gus: Talking flowers... This is weird.
This is weird? Uh, no. This an abomination that needs to be burned for our fucking sanity. Mostly for me! 
After some pointless fluff, FINALLY the movie remembers: "Oh yeah! We had our villains here, whoops!" Gnorga homes in on Rosie and finds her misery to be wonderful. I'm... not sure why she only finds Rosie special since many babies cry, but whatever. Anything to make this movie go faster.
So Gnorga pulls an Alice in Wonderland and makes Gus cry a literal river of tears, flooding the place. And Stanley has another power he pulled out of his ass. Dream power. I'm not kidding. Somehow, he manages to make a boat that was destroyed when Gus came in here and turned it into a Dream Boat, hey, the movie said it, not me!
So yeah, Stanley has the power of dreaming. So what, does Gnorga and Llort have the power of nightmares? How does this work? Who cares, we have yet ANOTHER musical number called "Welcome to Our World" which shows Stanley's vision of the true Kingdom of Trolls before Gnorga took over.
What does this add?! Why are these songs here!? I don't fucking get it! You're not progressing the story, you're just dragging it out! Move it along A Troll in Central Park! Fuck!
So after that musical monstrosity is over, I guess it's nap time and Gnorga and Llort decide to kidnap Rosie for... reasons. Some time has passed and Gus and Rosie remember that they have to go home and find out that Gnorga destroyed Central Park, making it look like the apocalypse happened.
They then don their silliest opera gear and ride on... tricycles.
*Buries face in hands and groans*
These are the lamest fucking villains ever. So after a chase sequence, Gnorga and Llort kidnap Rosie and Gus goes gets Stanley... for some reason. Yeah, because he was so helpful before. However, Stanley is afraid of Gnorga and what she can do to him saying:
Stanley: B-but what can I do? I don't wanna be rockenized!
Rockenized is not a real world. Petrify is one. This movie is for BABIES. Or maybe fetuses. So Gus calls Stanley out for not having balls and saves Rosie on her own arriving to a castle located in... wait. How did we get here exactly? Where is this castle? WHERE ARE WE?!?! AAAAAAAAA-
-PLEASE STAND BY-
*Ahem*, Sorry about that. Where was I? Oh yeah, Gus manages to free Rosie in the cage that wasn't even locked. These guys are not too bright are they? Gnorga curses Gus into being a Troll and has the power to turn things to stone with his dark thumb. Wow, Gnorga is by far, the most incompetent villain ever. Way to go, queenie.
Rosie runs off a cliff... she...she just does. I guess she wanted out of this movie as well. You know, I think I'm gonna join her. But oh no. I guess she's really dead. But Stanley arrives with the Dream Boat that can fly-Oh fucking come on! REALLY?!
Gnorga and Stanley face off in the epic battle of...! A thumb war. I'm not even kidding. Stanlye wins and turns Gnorga into a rose bush (it happens) and she uses her power of possession... Because, sure, why not? And uses Gus to turn Stanley to stone and fall into the trash, right where he belongs.
The next morning, the parents are free from their jobs and here's where we have a moral, get ready for this. You see, Gus is a selfish shitstain that always wants to play and spend time with his parents. But they're always busy with their jobs. Let's look at it this way kid, do you want a home? Or be fucking homeless? ... I thought so.
Father: We can do whatever you want since we're not busy Son.
Gus: Dad? Do you think we can do... what I wanna do?
Ah, there we go. If you don't get what you want, demand it more! ... Wait, that's a terrible lesson and moral! Bad Don Bluth, bad! Go in the corner and think about what you done!
So they go to Central Park and nobody questions where the Stanley Statue came from or why Central Park is destroyed? No? Nothing? Okaydokey. Gus uses his green thumb he has now-I don't give a shit anymore- and uses it to bring Stanley to life, who in turn, brings the park back to life.
And... the rest of the city in plant life. Uhm... Stanley? Dude? Whatcha doin'? Was this his plan all along? To enslave New York City like he was Posion Ivy from Batman? Huh. Mayba Gnorga was right to banish him... And the movie ends with a reprise of "Absolutely Green".
... Fuck this movie. This was fucking shit.
ANIMATION
This animation is nice and detailed and smooth as always from Don Bluth. But the character designs are just horrendous. The trolls look so strange and even the main characters are from the uncanny valley of weird. Nobody looks good in this, I'm sorry! They look bad! The backgrounds are nicely detailed though. Very stunning.
SOUNDS AND VOICES
Ugh... even the voices suffer from this. Again, nobody sounds good in this, and these are the same voice actors from many of Don Bluth's films. I think I know why though, the script is barely non-existent.
MUSIC
Musical's are shit, but the music themselves are very good. Very magical and full of wonder. Shame the movie doesn't match that tone and feeling.
FINAL THOUGHTS AND SCORE
This was pretty much the death of Don Bluth when this movie came out and I have to agree. I watched this when I was a kid and I didn't give two shits. I completely zoned out. It was that boring. Oh, and this Trailer too.
"A Troll in Central Park, fun for all ages and the family!"
Haha! Bullshit! This is meant for no one!
My final score is...
-10/10
God this is a complete disaster! What the fuck was Don Bluth thinking releasing this? This is clearly rushed and unfinished and pretty admits on screen: "Yeah, we didn't have a story here. Sorry!"
REWRITE
Show more of the Troll Kingdom and the villains. And expand more on Stanley's story. Why does he think differently and oppose Gnorga? Where are the rest of the kind Trolls? How does he have these powers? In fact, you can just rewrite this movie and make a resistance to fight off against the tyrannical queen and overthrow her.
Then, when she's cornered, her husband has enough of her ordering him around like a slave and turns on her. I'm already making a better movie and this is just the top of my head! Ugh. Do not get this movie, it is chewing gum for the mind and you won't remember this. In fact, I already forgot what I was reviewing.
... What am I doing again? Oh well, off to watch a better movie. Ooh! The Black Cauldron!
*Plays some clips and frowns*
... Oh. Oh no.