Cat-tastrophy of Errors
by SumDumGuy

(Never run out of time on a prompt.)

It all started with that reward from the Fortune Teller.
The necklace was a very nice reward but better instructions would have made life a lot easier for everyone, including the feral pet cat.

- 
That day I had gone to the lake, just relaxing in the summertime, walking in the grassy field next to the water.  I was minding my own business and I heard a splash and a cry seeing little ferret jill had fallen in the water.  From her panic she was obviously not a swimmer.

I jumped in and pulled her out of the water as she was going under for the 2nd time.  I pulled the 6 year old Mary Fortuna (that was her name)  on the shore and she puked up a bunch of water all over me before covering my shirt with snot and tears.

Her family came up not long after, doing a strange combination of yelling at Mary, hugging Mary and crying, and thanking me for doing what any mammal would have done. Finally they all calmed down and Grandma Marie came over, kissed me on both cheeks, and asked what my dreams were.

“To be the smartest rabbit that ever was.” I said, kidding.

Grandma Marie looked at me, put a gaudy gold necklace over my ears and around my neck, and said “Bobby Octavius Lagomore, you wear this necklace during the full moon, and you will be the smartest rabbit in the world.”

I was surprised to say the least, I had not told any of them my name. Not even my first name, much less my full name.    “How did you know--” I started to say.

“Old Grandma Marie knows all and sees all young rabbit.”, she replied in a dramatic voice. Changing to a normal voice the older ferret continued “Required skill for a traveling fortune teller.” and winked.

I laughed it off, thanked them, and we parted ways after little Mary jumped on me and kissed my cheek and gave me a hug.  I smiled, and wished (not for the first time) I could have as much luck with other 14 year old.

I went home to change, and Mom saw my clothes and immediately told me to toss it in the wash and take a shower. I was gross. I was covered in a mix of lake water and ferret vomit, snot and tears.
I grabbed fresh clothes, and on the way by decided to torment Miss Pickles (the family feral pet cat) by hanging the necklace on her neck. Instead of desperately trying to fight it off, she down and took a nap in front of the window.

- 
I took my shower, changed clothes, and got out in time for supper, and forgot all bout the locket, still wrapped around the neck of the cat sleeping on my pillow under the window.

Dinner was turnip and carrot casserole, which I don’t like, but Mom offered the other choice of “take it or leave it” or “make a sandwich” which I did.  I followed that up with homework, some episodes of “Red Rabbit, P.I” and finally got off to bed,

-
Marion Fluffener was there, in my room, wearing a cheerleader costume waving pom-poms around and wearing a very short skirt, kissing me, telling me she wanted to go out only with me, and all of a sudden she turned and said “Wake up, you lazy ass bunny and feed me.”

Naturally this confused me, food wasn’t allowed in my bedroom. If Mom caught us with food we would be in even bigger trouble than just a half dressed pom-pom girl. “I said wake up and feed me!”
 
I woke to a series of rapid-fire paw slaps to my face and saw the black and white stripes of Miss Pickles smacking me.

“Get away you stupid cat!”, I yelled, irritated.

“Who are you calling stupid you ignorant little paw-off monkey? Get your paws off your ramrod and feed me!” replied the bitchy cat.

I just stared, in shock. Did the cat just talk? “Yes, I just spoke, ignoramus. Now go and feed me instead of dreaming about pumping the neighbors dog, not that she would want you.”, replied the cat to my unspoken question.

In shock I grabbed the food and filled the bowl with “kitty kibble”. Miss Pickles ran over and started to eat, munching away like she always did. After half a dish she stopped eating and turned to me.  “This shit is boring.  I want wet food tonight.”

“How are you talking? Cat’s don’t talk!”, I said.

“This one does.” said Miss Pickles.  “Last night some asshole jammed a heavy rutting necklace on me and I woke up a lot smarter. By that I mean smarter than me because I was already smarter than you.”

“What is your problem, cat?”, I asked. I was getting sick of this attitude.

“Maybe a little asshole rabbit has been teasing the cat for years and now has to pay for it.  Canned food, or Mom finds out about the $20 she ‘lost’ 2 weeks ago.  You know, the week you bought the new video game?”

I was screwed. I ran off to the store and bought the food with my allowance.
A few hours later, I filled Miss Pickles bowl. She smacked it away.  “Not that store brand shit!  I want Name Brand food.”   I ended up riding my bicycle and grabbing the expensive can.  When I got home, Miss Pickles had eaten the store brand and was no longer hungry.   I stuck the can in the cupboard and went to my room.

The cat followed me.  “Clean my box, bunny.”

I went and cleaned out the cat box and put down fresh litter, then went back to my room. Something smelled bad.  Looking around I discovered a pile of cat shit on my pillow.  

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Cat?!”, I screamed,

Mom yelled back. “Language, Mister! We do not use foul language here. That will cost you the sleepover this weekend.”
Shit. I was supposed to “hook up” with Marion at the party.  Brad’s parents were away, his older sister didn’t care what he did, and there was supposed to be a party at Brads house.

“No ‘rabbit hole fun’ for you, Bunny. I guess you’ll have another crusty sock under the bed?”, said Miss Pickles.  “Have fun cleaning up your pillow.”  She walked away, tail waving in the air.

The next morning, Miss Pickles woke me.  “I want fresh fish today.” she said.

“OK, fine. Just please stop ruining my life!  I’m sorry I was an asshole!  I won’t ever do it again.”

“You better not. Because I have this.” said the cat.  Check your messages.”

I checked and found a text message with a picture attachment of me...with the dirty panties on my head, and I was….Hey, where did this come from?!” I demanded, red-faced under my fur.

“I took a picture with your z-phone, while you were sleep….well in bed..since you obviously were not sleeping. At least not yet, Mr Two Minute Male.”

I laughed.  “I have the phone now, rat catcher.”

“And I have the pictures in the cloud, stupid. I hope you don’t mind. I used your laptop too.  First I looked up a ‘teach yourself JAVA’ and I wrote a little script.  If I don’t check in every day, it sends the attachments out. Ever wonder if your Mom wants to kiss you goodnight after that Dirty Panty action on film?”

 
The next day I received a message on my phone from Brad.
‘hey, check this video, its all over Ewe-tube!’
I clicked the link and found a 30-second video of myself getting ‘handy’ while sniffing and licking panties. Luckily a ‘Blur’ was applied and my face wasn’t visible. 

I went running for the cat and I found Miss Pickles was sleeping on my bed. “Why did you send that out?!” I demanded.

“I was bored. Should I send the ‘unedited version’ out?”, she replied

“To make it up to be, buy me fresh fish for dinner tonight.”
I went and spent my last $15 on a halibut, and served it to the cat, who overate and vomited on my shoes.

The next morning I was woken by a ringing on my cell phone. I picked up.  It was Marion. “Hey, Marion, how are you doing, beautiful doe?”

“You are a fucking pervert! Why did you email my Mom and Dad the text messages we had sent each other?  Dad saw the ‘seven minutes of heaven’ talk and grounded me for a month!”

“It wasn’t me, I swear! Please don’t be mad!”, I begged Marion.

“it came from your phone, asshole!”, she said, hanging up. 

I checked my messages.  A message WAS sent from my phone to Marion and her parents .
Another received message was rom a hosting company that my account was locked due to a failed payment.

I guess that cat no longer had a hold on me.  No hosting means no attachments going out!

I grabbed the sleeping cat in a pillow case, and took her to the river.  “I’m sorry, bunny!  Lets be friends!” said Miss Pickles, terrified.  I had no sympathy and threw her in.

I was free.

- 

The next morning I received a message from the hosting company.
“We apologize for the error. Your account was NOT suspended and all functions are working correctly, including email and scripting.”