Fern's Fables: Bear Brawl to Puny Punishment

By "Fern"

There is nothing quite like a day off to observe the value of life in action. I lay in the rustic-looking park bench under the shade of a generic Evergreen Tree with my backpack lying at the side and locked to the bench's rail with a bike lock. (What? That backpack has too much loyalty and experience for it to be stolen!) Usually, I would be interviewing someone or observing fascinating creatures that God has put in this fascinating planet, but today I thought I should give myself the day off. If I work too hard, then the stress will overwhelm me with worry and panic. It's not a good sign when someone tries to write up a journal entry with blood-shot eyes and clenching teeth.

Besides, it's such a nice winter day. It might not be snowing yet, but it's still quite a sight to see a winter fog in this town. It gives an eerie yet calm feel. It may scare some people to stay inside, but for me it just makes me wonder "what's beyond the fog?" There's hardly anyone in the park today besides parents watching their tykes for babysitting while their spouses prepare for the long winter ahead. The tool stores will indeed have a profitable day.

When one just lies on the bench with a lazy stare and smile on his face and people will know you're an observer. I don't mind the stares of faces with prejudgemental thoughts; I could give less of a damn about myself than what I give to others. I love to see the world and if they assume I'm a "pervert" or a "stalker" for this, then that's their problem they can't understand the "why" in peoples' actions.

I watch the little tykes on the huge sandbox, and how the children react to each other. It's so nice to see how easily children understand difference between different kinds of sentient beings and still able to play together. Life is indeed simple... until it hits puberty. That's when someone have to learn to think on the more complex differences between one and his friends. Otherwise, the poor guy might get left behind as the ignorance that was once blissful becomes a bubble to protect said guy from getting his feelings hurt.

Still, the act of seeing kids who look so different than each other play on the sandbox together is always heartwarming. The Tiger in button-cute overalls happily shares his rainbow-colored digging tools with Gazelle. Creatures that were once mortal enemies in days long ago now let their kin play together.

SMACK!

I sharply sit up as I snap out of my relaxing stance. That sounded like someone being assaulted!

POMF!

I switch to a kneeling stance as I peek past the backing of the bench. I see two male Black Bears who are only wearing classic-blue, American-fresh Levi Jeans, implying that they're tough enough to show their chiseled features to their onlookers and the victim who "got in their way." The victim in question seems to be a white-tailed fawn in jean shorts and a black T-shirt with the Batman that's stained with small specks of blood. He slumps against the tree, trying to get a breather in.

I didn't want to jump in immediately and misunderstand the situation. I'm not sure who the true bad guy is since I don't simply judge by appearance. For all I know the bears could be someone's little brother the Fawn picked on. Looks are deceiving like that.

"What's wrong? You were goin all bad-ass on us before you let her slip away," pointed out one of the bears.

"Maybe his balls dropped off from the sheer force of your gut punch bro."

"They's be as fragile as his bones."

"I'm always up for an experiment. Let's try to see how long it would take for you to snap that arm in half..."

I've heard enough. This is just pitiful. It's time for that duo to see what it is like to be truly fragile. Grabbing my necessary materials and by backpack, I nonchalantly walk up to the bears as I get in the conversation.

"Now I love experiments as much as the next guy, but I suggest you let him go."

The bears gaze their attention to my direction as they do a take on each other and then back at me. Did this puny little smartass just jump in something he shouldn't have jumped in?

"Looks like we's have ourselves anotha badass."

"Great, that means I get an arm to snap too! A bigger sample size is always important."

"A bigga what now?"

"Never mind, nimrod. First, let's give the poor fella a chance to skedaddle. Show him what he's really dealing with"

"What'cha say, smartass? How's about you’se runs far away and forget da whole thing? I might even considerin' not chasin' and poundin' your pansty little monkey ass to da dirt underse yer shoes." The bear giving all the threats start to slowly walk his way towards me as he spins his left shoulder with his fist clentched." 

I simply close my eyes and shake my head. "If I planned to forget 'da whole thing,'" I started to reply with slight imitation. "Then I wouldn't have come here."

I adjust my winter coat as I clear my throat from the mucus made from the winter days "Tell you what though," I continued. "I'll even let you go first."

I took several steps back away from the bears as I let hands get behind my back. I just stand there nonchalantly as I rock back and forth on my heels and the tip of my toes. I just look around my environment as I let my eyes wander around to various pine trees, benches, and shops. The bears just look on in total bewilderment as the deer just blinks at me. What the hell is this guy up to?

"What are you planning...?"

"I'm letting you take the first move."

"Why are you just standing there like a happy little jackass?"

"Well if I did something, then that would count as me doing the first move. So go ahead! Give me your best move! I'm sure a duo like you have a move that only a team of muscleheads can truly deliver."

"Works fer me. Bro, lets give him our double shoulda ram," bellowed the more accent-heavy bear as he does a charging right shoulder ram towards me. His brother follows with his left shoulder as they touched side to side to combine the sheer force they're about to let on me. Anyone can feel how much power they're putting in their charge by the vibrations of their sprinting alone.

I'm still not worried. I just hold my position and stare at the duo as they stare with bloodshot eyes. Clearly, they're giving everything they got in this window of opportunity. The deer just looks in shock as he tries to regain his strength! He must think I'm just clearly insane to keep standing here, but he'll see soon that there's nothing to worry about.

STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP!

"..." I twiddle my fingers as I wait for the timing. I observe their step patterns, taking notice how far they advance forward with each stamp as they start to mentally slow down in my mind. They start to move in a more lucid fashion as the rest of the background behind them starts to fade.

STOMPSTOMP... STOMP... STOMP...!

They're just about within distance. About three or four more steps and they'll be within range.

STOMP... STOMP... STOMP... STOMP...!

Now!

CRASH!

Smashed glass is heard as I simply dodge sideways, everything mentally returning to full speed. The cloud of oddly-colored smoke works as a smokescreen as they fail to see me move. The punks skidded to a halt as they cough, trying to breathe in cleaner air.

"What the hell...? COUGH! You said you'd let us--COUGH! Have the first move," complained one of the bears.

"I did say you would have the first move," I respond with a slight smirk on my face. "However, I never said you would be successful."

"I'm going to wipe that cocky-ass grin off your face, chimp!"

The enraged bear ran up to me, judged his distance, and took a swipe at me! The deer cringes and looks away, afraid to see a such a devastating face wound.

Nevertheless, I was not injured. The deer takes a look at me to see that I still have that smirk on my face. He was in disbelief! He was sure that I haven't even taken a single step back!

That's when he noticed the bear's arm. It was shortening! Hell, the fur was shortening along with it! The attacker starts to lose their dark, walnut-like shade of color as it turns more lighter and fluffier.

"What the," one of the bears gently exclaimed.

"Bro! I'm losin' my figure," shouted the other bear as his picture-perfect abs start to fade away. The waist of his pants start to sag as his tight-fitting jeans are actually too lose for him now!

"What the hell! What! The! Hell!? What the friggin' hell did you do to us!?"

"I just thought it would be your turn to see what it's like to be puny," I replied. "Nothing more, nothing less. Although it seems to be much less for you." I point to a certain budge at their jeans that a man does not want to see shrink away.

"My junk! My precious junk! You dirty SON OF A... AUUGHHH!"

The bear tries to do another swipe at me only this time, I was easily able to stop his arm. Upon closer inspection, the attacker sees that not only are his claws descending in his palm, he was also about my eye level and still shrinking under that! Come to think of it, his voice started to sound more like a generic nerd's high-pitched, squeaky voice!

The deer keeps deliberately shaking his head, his gaze near leaving the two former humongous powerhouses. They're starting to look like.. like...

"Chic'munks," exclaimed the accent-heavy man of the duo. "We's look like friggin' chic'munks!" As he emphasized that last word, two buck teeth quickly started to elongaten as the sides of his faces swelled to show two chubby cheeks that a mother would love to pinch and that a true pansy would have.

Soon, both of the much more fragile muscle-heads start to fall through one of the leg holes of their jeans. The blue Levis fold up and collapse on the two ex-brutish men. As they shift around in their jeans, still shrinking, the transformation comes to it's end as the bulges no longer shriveled in size.

The deer finally gets the sense and strength to stand up and go closer to the pair of pants, no longer a symbol of the former bears' toughness, but now a make-shift shelter for their now-puny bodies. A chipmunk head pops out of the waistband of one of the jeans to meet the face of a stunned-looking deer. A deer that's easily over three times his size!

"Ahhhhhh," the chipmunk bellowed in his squeaky voice as he dashes back into his "shelter."

The deer turns his attention to me and gazingly asks, "what the hell did you do to them?"

"I just used one of my patient genetic-altering potions," I reply with a sense of pride in my voice. "A transformation potion in layman's terms."

"So," he started to reply, scratching the back of his head. "Are they stuck that way?"

"Nah, it is only temporarily. I thought giving them a feeling what it is like to be small and puny for a change could teach them a lesson about beating up such people."

"Hmmmm... think I could help you along with this 'lesson?'"

"If you wish, but don't beat them up though. Just show them what it truly means to be weak and why they shouldn't take advantage of it. Oh and take note when those two weeks are up. You're on your own from there."

"Heh, okay. I won't hurt them... too badly." As the bears hear that statement, they try to dash out of the pants, but they were too slow to react. The deer already grabs and warps up the jeans, trapping them inside. He waves as he starts to whistle a tune and take a stroll away with the pants under his arm. The pant wiggle in their shelter-turned-trap.

"And once again, ignorance has failed miserably. You two best hope you didn't aggravate that deer too badly," I say to myself as I start to stroll back to the bench to crack open a book.

Fern © Fern
Story, 2009 © Fern (Pen name.)