Bang! The starting gun sounded and the swimmers who were cocked and ready to jump lurched forward. Swimming, one of the most straight forward athletic contests. No more rules necessary than to be faster than everyone else. A tried and true way of showcasing masculine superiority and strength, to relish in the glory of victory and accept defeat gracefully. Swimming, for all its simplicity and subtlety however did nothing to entice Kane’s interest. The portly rhino sat in the stands surrounded by the deafening cries of parents, students, and coaches as they cheered on the swimmers, somehow convinced that their sheer volume could in some way impact those actually straining themselves in the pool, provide them with some advantage over the other contestants. No, Kane was not in his element, much preferring to be in a cozy corner of a library with a laptop, a new alt rock album, and a sketchbook. Not out here in the midday sun wearing his jeans and XXL anime graphic t-shirt, simmering in the heat which brought sweat to his brow and stung his eyes, sticking out like a sore thumb. He felt so out of place, surrounded by rambunctious people, obnoxious with their shouting, causing Kane a little sensory overload. He wanted nothing but to leave and find the nearest air-conditioned coffee bar and be alone with his thoughts for a while. But we all make sacrifices for those we care about and wish to support, a trait he did share with the multitude around him, and as the current batch of swimmers finished their race, one such person was in the warm up zone preparing for his qualifying race.
Deacon, his closest friend, the two have known each other for almost their whole lives owing to an incident in kindergarten involving an entitled bully, Kane’s favorite toy, and Deacon’s fist. I’m sure you can imagine what happened, but that is all ancient history by now. The two were close, and Kane was here to support him. Kane’s observing eyes easily picked him out of the sea of people crowding around the pool. Of all the swimmers down there, only one was reptilian. The alligator was lightly bobbing up and down, eyes intently focused though Kane knew that he wasn’t seeing what was in front of him. All this focus was on visualizing his swim, sinking into the mindset of a winner. The almost predatory expression on his face was comical to Kane who knew that Deacon was one of least serious people on the planet. If Kane had his sketchbook on him, he would have loved to capture the scene. The whole ensemble tarnished however by the bright red speedo he was wearing. Not blue, black or any more sensible color, Deacon wore red. Kane chuckled to himself at his friend’s flippant disregard for convention. Deacon was the kind of person who was intentionally contrary, choosing to stick out than blend into the crowd. Around him in the student section, he overheard conversations as Deacon and his competition made their ways to their starting blocks.
“Ohmygosh, there he is. Ahhhh! He’s so handsome.” One particularly shrill girl a row back called.
“Oh yeah, those muscles are sexy.” Her equally bubbly companion responded.
“Oh Deacon, I’d let you swim in my waters if you know what I mean” accented with a giggle
“Oh honey, I know exactly what you mean. That swimsuit is just showing off all his goods.” Kane felt his face burn from more than just the heat of the sun. It wasn’t anything that he hadn’t heard before. Deacon was something of a celebrity at their high school. Captain of the swim team, state record holder in a few events, fit enough to model, outgoing, personable, and in short, popular. Kane felt his vision slip back to his friend, his eyes freely traveling his body drinking in the sights. His well-defined abs, the curve of his butt, his chiseled pecks, his calves and thighs. Kane tried, he really did, but he couldn’t help himself focus on Deacon’s waist, the red trunks targeting his focus on his crotch. The bulge was just enough to give him a taste of what it was concealing, and a taste was all he needed to feel his own member push out against his pants. The sensation enough to get him to rip his eyes away from Deacon and shove down on his erection to get it to go away. Behind him the girl’s conversation continued.
“Oh, hey! Did you hear the latest rumor?”
“No, tell me girl!”
“Well, supposedly, Deacon was part of a threesome last week” Kane rolled his eyes, he knew Deacon was very much sexually active and didn’t much surprise him that he wooed two women to bed with him.
“Oooh, who with, please say not that slut Grace Sharley?”
“That’s just the thing, the word was that it was with Carly Dunkirk and her boyfriend, Robert” It took all of Kane’s self-control not to turn right around in surprise. A guy! He slept with a guy, Kane was so confused. Of all the personal things that the two shared with each other, Kane would have expected Deacon to share that with him. Considering that as far as Kane knew, Deacon was a straight as an arrow. This new information had Kane struggling to form comprehendible ideas as the announcer was calling out the lanes and swimmers for Deacon’s race.
“And in lane 6, Captain of the Northwind High Swim Team, Deacon Galer!!” The student section Kane was in erupted with noise that shocked him out of his stupor. The race, the entire reason that he came to this event. He shook his head to clear it and stood with his fellow classmates as a hush came over the crowd. The referee raised his hand with the starting pistol within it. Kane took a look at Deacon, the poised captain crouched into his starting position, his tail which normally flapped carefreely locked straight out behind him, a knife that prepared to slice its way through the pool before him. His muscles spring loaded and cocked to erupt the moment the pistol went off. Kane couldn’t see from his position in the stands but knew from talking to Deacon that his narrowed pupils were only looking at the wall sitting 50 meters ahead of him. When it comes to swimming, he said, the water is more of an afterthought. It is always about the goal.
Bang! The pistol jumpstarted the eight swimmers, but it was clear from the beginning that some were not prepared as Deacon was. His starting jump was immaculate, entry was impeccable, slicing through the water like the aquatic predator that he descended from. His only real competition in this race being the seal in the lane next to him. Where Deacon’s build showed off the hidden power of his muscles, the seal’s form was about speed, not an ounce of wasted weight and a far more hydrodynamic body shape. The two locked in that all-time struggle, the show of true power and determination that leaches its way into all forms of competition. The struggle from without and within. The two were neck and neck as they reached the right wall, this contest would be won not with not only swimming ability, but efficiency at turning too. The crowd was approaching decibels never before heard on Earth as the two turned and made their way back towards the starting wall. Kane started biting his thumb watching as his friend’s contest and hoping with all his might that he would win. The referee was waiting in between their lanes to see if anyone performed an illegal turn. As the two came up from their spins Deacon was a half a foot behind the seal. The crowd seemed to find an extra gear to their cheering and Kane found himself screaming his lungs out for Deacon. Stroke after stroke the two sped toward the finish, the race coming down to mere fractions of a second. Each time Deacon’s arm clawed into the surface he made up an inch or two on his opponent. One mistake in swimming is the thought that reaching out with a hand to grip the wall first makes you faster, in actuality any alteration to your swimming form hampers your progress. The seal made that mistake, and Kane saw it. He knew full well that Deacon would slam his entire forearm into the wall rather than reach for it. One of his points about have the determination to sacrifice his body to save a few centiseconds off his times. That error gave Deacon just enough room to pull into the lead on the last stroke. Again, that’s the beauty about swimming, no rules except to be faster than everyone else.
Deacon’s form seemed to collide with the wall as he finished, the stands were shaking with all the jumping and screaming taking place on them. Kane smiled to himself, feeling his elevated heartrate despite his lack of the exertion. He took a breath or two to calm himself as Deacon pulled himself out of the pool in one smooth motion. The crowd’s enthusiasm dropped a little but kept up as Deacon looked out into the stands. He was shaking his right hand a little and Kane was sure he probably punched into the wall at the end there. His chest was heaving slightly after his sprint, but his eyes were light and he had a smile on his face. The seal beside him had pulled himself out of the pool as well and Deacon offered him a fistbump and some words of respect and sportsmanship. The seal returned the gesture and made his way to his school’s tent while Deacon made is way in front of the adoring crowd. The showboating gator held out his arms to rake in the exaltation of the public. He waved as his gaze scanned the people. Deacon’s eyes met Kane’s and Kane saw his head cock sideways in mild surprise. Kane offered a subtle wave and a half smile. Deacon shot him a wink and some finger-guns to which the gossip girls screamed out “DEACON, WE LOVE YOU!!!!” The sudden shock caught Kane offguard as he rubbed his ear following the assault. Deacon laughed at Kane’s misfortune and waved to the crowd once more while walking off toward the team’s tent.
“Ohmygod, did you see that? It was totally for us!!”
“Ohmygod, yes!!!” The two hugged each other and jumped up and down while shrieking. Kane rubbed his forehead to alleviate his embarrassment and the minor headache that was forming. The announcer called over the MC that the winner of the last race was under review and that the event was going to take its scheduled break for the next half an hour. As the stands oozed its contents out to either the snack bar or the facilities or to wherever, Kane sat down back in his seat thankful for the loud noises to gel out into a soft murmur, which to his dismay did not include the girls behind him.
“Should we go talk to him!? He must remember us from our sophomore year math class together!”
“My gosh, no, we have to play it cool. Make him wait for us.”
“You are, so, right! I just can’t get enough of those muscles. I’m wet just thinking about them.” Kane groaned in his head, did people really not understand that sound travels or just not care. He did not need to know about a stranger’s state of arousal for his friend.
“Guess what!? I just had the best idea ever!!”
“What is it! What is it!”
“What if we asked him back to my place tonight? My parents are out of town, we could see if a little something-something happens.” At that two things happened. Firstly, the two erupted in a giggling fit and secondly, Kane stood up and walked away, in no way interested to stay and listen. He sighed when he was sufficiently far away from the pair. People’s lack of tact nauseated him. How people of his school were so promiscuous and cavalier when it came to discussing sex he would never understand. It permeated every discussion somehow.
“All just horny animals” he said to himself. The comment didn’t make him feel much better since he couldn’t really claim to be otherwise, he had the same sexual urges as his classmates just without the willpower to act on them. There were other barriers of course, his weight for one, lack of self-confidence for another, and being completely infatuated with your best friend certainly didn’t help.
Kane doesn't know which happened first or if the events were even disconnected, but as long as he had known he was bi was as long as he had known he had a crush on Deacon. The issue of course being that for all he knew, Deacon wasn’t interested in men in anyway. The rumor that he had been with a man, even as part of a threesome, set Kane’s imagination alight. Thoughts and fantasies that he had tried to suppress forever kept resurfacing. He was too embarrassed to bring it up to Deacon, too scared to act on it, and too enamored to let it go. A perfect trifecta of misery. He came back to awareness of his surroundings and found he was in line at the snack bar. ‘Even unconsciously I seek out food when I feel bad, lovely’ he thought to himself. He fished out a fiver from his pocket while looking up at the menu for something remotely satisfying. He settled on a pretzel and walked to the window to place his order while the PA system crackled to life.
“Attention everyone, we have the results of the qualifying match for the 100 meter freestyle.” The soft conversation around him hushed. “Coming in first with a time of 42.73 seconds is Deacon-“ the rest of the announcement was cut off by the spontaneous eruption of cheers from every Northwind fan on the premises. Kane smiled to himself and shook his head. He was honestly happy his friend won, but he didn’t feel the need to express it in the same way everyone else did. The teller handed him back his change and food as Kane made his way back to his seats in the stands. On his way, he had to stop due to a cluster of people all blocking the pathway. The inconvenience annoyed Kane, he took a big bite of his pretzel and chewed slowly trying to savor the salty, bready taste as he tried to make his way through the throng of people. The going was slow, even as he tried to keep to the outsides but eventually he came to the steps to head up the stands. He was startled by a hand on his shoulder that halted his progress. Turning, his heart skipped a beat as he saw that the hand was connected to Deacon himself. The gator had a toothy half grin going and a smirk. Kane blinked a bit before returning a smile of his own.
“Dude! You didn’t tell me you were coming, I could have let you have poolside seats so you could have watched me win up close and personal like.” Deacon slung one arm around his horned friend’s neck and pulled him in, giving him a playful noogie to boot.
“Well, I was up late last night and didn’t know if I was going to make it, so I didn’t want you to get your hopes up.” Kane responded while trying to pull Deacon’s arm from off his neck. It was a complete lie, of course. Kane had set numerous alarms to ensure he would be up in time to come to the meet.
“Ah ha ha! Well I’m glad you got to see my magnificent victory!” He finally let the burly rhino go who rubbed the back of his neck to get the blood flowing again.
“Yeah, I heard. It sounded like a good time.” Kane didn’t really know that, but Deacon never failed to take a compliment.
“Hell yeah it was, one of my top five. Number four to be specific. God, that seal in the lane over though. He would have had me if he hadn’t reached out like that.” Deacon’s eyes looked up and off to the side like he was remembering the event from last week and not a third of an hour ago. Deacon let out a light chuckle and put his hands on his hips. It was his neutral stance, but one that caused Kane’s eyes to be dragged down away from his face. He caught himself with a shake and turned away.
“So what are you doing after this?” Deacon asked.
“I was thinking of heading to Roasta Rica and hanging out there with a tea and my sketchbook.” Kane responded.
“Wrong! You are totally coming to my swim meet after party!” Deacon slapped his hand down on Kane’s shoulder and shook him around, flashing every one of his teeth in a goofy smile. Kane was used to his antics by now, he rolled his eyes and brushed his hand off.
“You know I’m not good at parties. I’d be happier sipping on a nice sweet tea than be surrounded by people.” The introverted rhino avoided Deacon’s eyes who he knew from experience were cocked with one eyebrow raised with a poignantly unconvinced expression. He sighed and gave a big dramatic eye roll.
“Okay. One, you won’t be surrounded by people. Only..” he counted with his fingers, “nine or ten other people. Two, if you don’t go I will be surrounded by swim jocks and even I need things other than swimming to talk about. Three, I’m invoking best friend privileges and saying you have to go since my mom baked your favorite cookies hoping you would show up.” He crossed his arms and took a self-assured pose, thinking he had won the matter. Kane tried his best to stick up for himself, giving Deacon his most resolute stare back. But it was a losing battle and they both knew it, Deacon was a master of charisma and persuasion. Kane let out an exasperated sigh and hung his head knowing he was cornered.
“He he” Deacon laughed, “I’ll see you there, it starts at 5 at my house or whenever we all get there.” He was already moving off back to his team as the races were starting up again, giving the subjugated rhino a wave as he went. Kane returned the wave with a half-hearted smile. Kane shook his head as he turned and walked up the stands, feeling queasy. If even Deacon didn’t want to talk to his friends about swimming, then it was going to be much worse for Kane. He thought of all the things he would rather do than socialize with people outside of his interests. Chatrooms and internet forums didn’t need face-to-face interaction and you had the power to choose what discussions to join in on. In person topics were far more random and chaotic.
It was a skill that Kane never grasped, even since he was young, making friends wasn’t easy. He instead kept to himself and like to let his imagination wander. It was a miracle that Deacon was his friend in the first place, the gator choosing the reclusive rhino over the many others who came and went. Kane thanked whatever lucky star that blessed his birth to give him a great guy to be friends with. Past the crush, past the longing, there was a solid relationship built on respect and trust and Kane wouldn’t want to give that up, not for anything.
He sat back down in his seat and took another bite of his pretzel to ease some of his frustrations. Looking through his program he saw that Deacon was only in one other race, the 400 meter relay, after that was the swim meet was over and the diving meet began. Kane sighed and resigned himself to sitting in the stands on a hot day, sweating profusely, watching a sport that didn’t capture his attention all the while dreading that he was forced to go to Deacon’s party afterward.
A tap on his shoulder interrupted his thoughts. Turning around we saw a cute porcupine and squirrel who he immediately knew were the horny fan club with no social awareness, their clothes were borderline indecent and the squirrel’s top looked like it was one jiggle from spilling out. The porcupine had shorts so thin that he was sure that parts of her bare ass were touching the metal stands. The porcupine that had gotten his attention started.
“Hi, sorry but we couldn’t help noticing that you were talking with Deacon just a few moments ago.”
“Yeah?” Kane said, unsure what this conversation was about.
“Do you know him or something?” ‘Do I know the most popular boy at our school who leads all the chants at our pep rallies, is constantly surrounded by acquaintances, and likely has intimate knowledge of at least 20 girls in our grade. No, of course I don’t.’ Kane thought to himself. The phrasing of the question and inflection she put on it irked him to a great degree. Instead, he chose to respond a little less sarcastically.
“Yeah, sort of.” We’ve only been best friend since elementary, not that you would have noticed me any of the times I’ve been with him on campus, he added internally.
“Do you know if he has any plans after the meet?” She said it furtively, like she was trying to clue Kane in on the right answer regardless of the truth. ‘God, why is this happening to me?’ Kane complained to himself.
“He is having a party afterwards, he stopped me down there to invite me to it” Kane shifted in his seat uncomfortably as the two giggled and nudged each other with their elbows, privy to some train of thought Kane was not.
“Can we come!?” The squirrel excitedly asked. Kane groaned internally. Behind him a starting pistol went off to signal the next race. The shouts of the crowd around them giving Kane enough of a buffer to shake off the shock from the direct request. ‘God, fuck no.’ he wanted to tell them, they were the epitome of personality types that clashed with his. The kind who thought they were entitled to things based on their looks and looked down on others that kept them from getting their way. Kane was sure that it would come to a direct confrontation should he deny them their request, and with his awkward, introverted nature he was sure to lose it. He tried to pass the burden off of himself. The crowd screams quieted when they realized that the current race was the 400 meter which takes much longer than one would think. He had to respond, there wasn’t a way he could get out of this without one.
“I’m not sure that I have the permission to invite others, I just barely got an invite myself.” His response was unsure, but still genuine. He wasn’t about to invite anyone, especially a stranger, to his friend’s house.
“Oh, come on! It’ll be fine, I’m sure Deacon would be perfectly okay with it. We’re good friends, him and us!” The words danced out of her mouth so lightly that Kane might have believed it if he hadn’t known it was a boldfaced lie. ‘Bullshit. If you were close, you would be down there at the poolside seats.’ Another snarky response not given the time of day. Kane looked away nervously, the squirrel was batting her eyes and gazing at him sultrily. Bi or not, he couldn’t take the advances of women, especially these kinds of women. He rubbed the back of his head and took a steadying breath.
“Look, again, I’m not comfortable just inviting you like that. If you want, you can go and see him after the meet and ask him about it yourselves.” The squirrel huffed and completely changed demeanor when she saw that her charms weren’t working on Kane. Her face became cold, she crossed her arms and leaned back into her seats. The porcupine on the other hand took out her phone from her bra and was swiping through some app. Neither paid any more attention to Kane so he assumed the conversation was over. His insides felt clammy and distressed as he turned around to look at the current race which was just about over. He could almost feel the dagger-like stares of the two girls behind him. He tried to breathe normally, to tell himself that it was just paranoia. The swimmers were making their final laps, so the crowd once gain got to their feet to cheer on their fans. Kane used the noise and motion as motivation to get up and climb down the stands, to get as much distance between him and the girls as possible. He walked off towards the bathrooms hoping to find some solace in a stall. Unfortunately, the line extended far past the entrance and around the side of the small building. Stopping to think for a minute to decide what to do. He turned and continued off toward the main area of campus. The first building he came across were the locker rooms and that was his destination.
With the meet, they were sure to be open. Since the meet was going, they were also sure to be empty. Both conditions allowing Kane to get away from the crowds for a little while. Sure enough, the exterior doors to the men’s locker room were open and Kane slipped inside.
The locker room was surprisingly dark since most of the lights switched off due to inactivity. The columns and rows of blue metal accented with silver locks that shined in the semi-darkness. Kane smelled the combination of body spray and musty wet drains. The air-conditioned air felt nice on his face and skin, wet with sweat. He leaned on the closed door behind him and took a few breaths. The silence that permeated the room soothed him, a dull buzz from the few emergency lights that remained on were all that he could discern. He gave a large audible sigh as he got up and journeyed further into the stillness. Weaving through the aisles and rows he came at last to the bathrooms. He walked quickly to the last stall and closed it behind him. The clack of the locking mechanism echoed in the room of hard surfaces. Kane sat on the toilet and closed his eyes, enjoying the lack of sensory stimulation for a minute or two.
‘Damn women!’ he thought, ‘what lengths wouldn’t you go to get what you want?’
‘I mean, why lie to try and manipulate a complete stranger into helping you get closer to him? Surely, they realize that any decent person wouldn’t find that in any way attractive or even showing of good character.’
‘God, he’s just a guy. Go find any other one, he’s not so special.’ He immediately regretted thinking that. He knew, of course he knew. Deacon was special. He was more than just as muscled-up hunk or a dopey, fun-loving idiot. He was sincere, real. In a world full of two faced individuals and conniving liars, Deacon shown like a pillar. He knew who he was and what he wanted and it caused everyone to flock to him.
Kane was jealous, Deacon’s sudden rise in popularity and social status left Kane feeling like he was left to the wayside. They still talked and did things together, said hi as they passed in the halls, but Deacon was never alone when he was at school and always seemed to be going somewhere with someone. Kane was jealous, and angry. Not at Deacon, but himself. Deacon understood, he knew full well Kane’s quirks about socializing and he had tried to include Kane initially on all his adventures. But Kane’s awkward nature and Deacon’s charismatic new friends did not gel well. Soon, Kane found himself declining invites. It left him wishing he wasn’t so fucking awkward with others.
Deacon never stopped inviting him though, never stopped trying to include Kane in his life. It only hurt Kane more to see his friend trying so hard and Kane failing to reciprocate. That’s the true reason that Kane was here at the swim meet, to show Deacon that he did matter to the rhino. Kane only hoped that Deacon understood that. Even so, he really didn’t want to go to that party. The rhino groaned and put his head in his hands. The noise of a creaking door pulled him out of his stupor. It was in the main locker room. ‘Is the meet already over?’ he thought to himself. Footsteps made their way into the restroom area and Kane prayed that they wouldn’t try to come into his stall, having absolutely no energy for dealing with another stranger. They stopped at the urinals however and the splash of urine sounded a moment later. Whoever it was started humming, a trait that he knew of only one person to have. Kane got up and slowly moved to look through the cracks in his stall door.
There Deacon was his back was turned to Kane, bobbing his head and tail left and right to whatever rhythm and melody drove his humming. Kane sighed relieved. He unlocked the door and stepped out to which caused Deacon to turn startled. The alligator huffed after he recognized Kane and returned to his business.
“Jeez Dude, you scared the crap out of me. What are you doing in a dark bathroom?”
“Hiding” Kane replied
“Taking a break from the crowd, huh?”
“Uh-huh” Kane responded affirmatively.
“Yeah, I got you”
“You always do” Kane responded, a little under his breath. Again, Kane’s eyes started to wander. Deacon’s back was ridged and bumpy, a few spikes trailing down his tail. The olive green of his scaly hide muted in the darkness. Deacon finished what he was doing and turned around. It took all of Kane’s willpower to not stare down at his package, all tucked up in a red speedo.
“Hey, I’m really glad you came.” He said as he washed his hands. The comment made Kane feel warm and fuzzy inside.
“Well, I wanted to support you.” Deacon smiled back through the mirror. His yellow slit pupils trained on him.
“Thanks, means a lot” Kane nodded, too emotional to respond. ‘You mean a lot to me’ he wanted to say. Deacon turned and leaned against the sink. The two old friends enjoying the company. Eventually, Kane spoke up.
“Don’t you have another race out there?” Deacon shook his head.
“Nah, there was a last minute roster change. Coach thought I deserved a break after that last race.”
“Oh”
“Hey, look. If you want me to leave so you could be alone a little longer, just tell me man” Deacon offered kindly, aware of Kane’s dispositions.
“No. No, it’s fine. I’m always happy to be with you” Kane answered a little too quickly and mentally chastised himself. Deacon smiled sweetly, Kane loved that smile. It set his heart a flutter and made him just want to melt.
“Oh, actually I did have something to ask you.” He started, “Those two girls sitting behind you, do you know them?” Kane groaned and rubbed his eyes with a hand. ‘Why are you asking?’ he thought to himself.
“No, they just happened to sit behind me.” Kane responded.
“That’s what I thought. They came up to me saying that you and they were friends and you had said it was okay to come to my party. Yeah, I saw right through that lie. As if shallow women like them could ever comprehend what a great guy you are.” Deacon accented the compliment with a light punch to Kane’s arm, who smiled lightly.
“Right, like they were trying to convince me you were their friends so it would be fine if I just invited them. Ughh, it was stressful.”
“Is that why you’re in here?”
“One of the main reasons.” Deacon shook his head, feeling Kane’s distress.
“Honesty is dead, long live honesty.” He replied.
“All they wanted was to get with you, jeez. Could you try to be a little less sexy, might make both of our lives easier?” Deacon’s entire body erupted with laughter, he had to lean on the sink behind him to keep from falling over. Kane didn’t think the joke was that good, but Deacon’s laughter was contagious. He felt himself join in, yet much less boisterous. Deacon got a hold of himself a few moments later, shaking his head with a smile.
“I’ll get to work on that right away.” He sighed contentedly. “Alright, I have to get back out there and cheer on my team. See you at my house later, right?” He was already in motion before Kane gave him an answer.
“Yeah” Kane answered a tad exasperatedly. Deacon flashed him a thumbs up and a toothy grin and was gone out the locker room. Kane’s thoughts turned inward. ‘Could you be less sexy? Did I actually just ask Deacon that? Why not just come out and say I’ve been checking him out?’ Kane smacked his hand into the wall in frustration. ‘Whatever, it does not matter. Not like he looks at me like that’ Kane grabbed his stomach, the gut coming out of his waist.
The rhino was moderately overweight, the result of a nearly sedentary lifestyle plus a carb heavy diet. It clashed so heavily with Deacon’s toned frame, it only accentuated more how much of polar opposites they were. Introvert and extrovert, fit and fat, popular and loner, hot and not. The thoughts only led him deeper into the emotional turmoil. ‘Enough!’ he finally told himself, ‘Time to stop pitying yourself. Deal with it and move on, just like always.’ He shook his head, trying to fling the remnant thoughts from his brain. He walked out of the bathroom and back through the locker room. Kicking the door open to remove the last of his frustrations.
An hour later, Kane pulled his car up to Deacon’s house and switched off the engine. Deacon lived a ways from the school in a upper-middle class neighborhood, the kind that had a gate around it with a keypad. The combination changed on a monthly basis, but Kane had long since learned that it was based around a holiday that took place within the month and could easily let himself into the community whenever he was over. Deacon’s house was a two story with a classic white paintjob and blue accents on the trims and window borders. The place hadn’t changed much in the years that he had been coming over, the flowers in the front garden were replaced from time to time but that was about it. Of course, the addition of about four more cars in and around the driveway were different, likely the nine or ten other people Deacon had invited over.
 Kane took a steadying breath, it’s okay he told himself over and over. ‘They’re Deacon’s friends, they aren’t vicious wild creatures bent on hurting me.’ He closed the door of his car behind him with a solid thump and smoothed out his shirt. He went home and changed after the meet to an outfit that wasn’t drenched with sweat or styled after a Japanese culture icon. He wore instead a blue t-shirt with a white wavelike pattern and a Hawaiian overshirt. He was back in pants again and comfortable tennis shoes. He didn’t think it was too stupid, but there was always that fear.
The doorbell rang as he came up to the entryway, a feature that took some time to get used to. He waited a few moments on the front stoop, waiting for someone to grant him entry. The sliding of the deadbolt alerted him to the door opening. A graceful form appeared before him, the olive green scales the same as her son’s. The beautiful late 30s alligator that was Deacon’s mom looked out and immediately recognized Kane. She gasped in surprise and pulled the rhino into a close hug.
“Kane! It is so wonderful to see you, you know I have missed you coming over here day after day.” She smelled of pine which Kane noticed as he returned the hug.
“Yeah, it has been a while Mrs. Galer.” Trying to extract himself from her hold. She gave the pudgy rhino a loving pinch on the cheek, Kane rubbed the spot while feeling a little blush form on his face. Deacon’s mom was always very touchy-feely. He didn’t always mind it but sometimes it made him feel much younger than he actually was.
“Oh, Kane. You are eighteen now, legally an adult. Feel free to call me Clara.”
“Okay” He responded, knowing full well he likely would never call her by her first name.
“Come in, come in” she beckoned him in and shut the door behind him. She led him through the house and into the kitchen. There was a fine spread of all kinds of foods, fruit platters, finger sandwiches, cheese and crackers, all kinds of stuff. Clara was kind of the ultimate hostess and went all out preparing things by hand.
“Please, help yourself to what ever you want. Deacon and the rest of them are out back in the pool.” Kane half scoffed half-laughed at that.
“Are you telling me that they spent all day swimming and came over here for more?” he asked incredulously. Clara shrugged with a likeminded smile.
“Deacon just loves swimming, he’s always been a little pool crazy, ever since he was small. I used to say he was more fish than gator.” Clara chuckled at her joke while Kane smiled.
“Yeah, he really is sometimes.” Kane agreed.
“Anyways, if you need anything just ask. I’ll just be in the den reading.” Clara gave him one last smile and a pat on the arm before heading off. Kane looked over the food and noticed one thing, she really had made his favorite cookies. They were some combination of oatmeal and peanut butter cookies and were covered with icing. He picked one up and popped it into his mouth. They were still soft and warm, like they were pulled fresh from the oven. Delicious and sweet, Kane would eat an entire batch if he let himself go. It took some willpower to stop at just the one.
He grabbed a can of soda and made his way to the backyard, stopping briefly before opening the door to ready himself. Deacon’s backyard was expansive, trees dotted the borders giving the impression of a clearing in a forest, the natural transitions between rocks and grass only added to the effect. Tucked off into a corner of the yard was their pool, moderate sized and below ground. Looking in, Kane saw about eight bodies including Deacon. They were all members of the swim team. Kane counted five boys and three girls. Some sat on the edge with only their feet in the pool and some, including Deacon, were horse playing in the deep end. Their whoops and hollers carried to Kane’s ears and he knew that they were having fun.
Kane shut the door behind him and started walking towards them. A pair of girls sitting on the edge turned and looked at him as he came close. Kane recognized them as Shirley and Tiffany, co-captains of the women’s swim team and some of the few of Deacon’s friends that he was somewhat comfortable being around. They were decent people, they never treated him like he was a pariah which most people at school did, politely acknowledging each other as they passed in the halls and had classes together. The three of them shared a mutual respect for each other by means of being Deacon’s friends. They waved at him and he waved back. Shirley was an otter with a floral one-piece on, Tiffany was a penguin with a pink bikini drastically standing out from her black back feathers.
Kane sat at the pool table a few feet away from the pool and Shirley came over to greet him.
“Hey there Kane, I didn’t know you were coming” She smiled sweetly. Like Deacon, she was toned and her arms rippled with a fine layer of muscles and a fang stuck out the side of her mouth.
“Yeah, Deacon only invited me earlier today” She leaned her elbows on the table and clearly was getting ready to have a conversation.
“Oh, did he? Well, I’m glad. I don’t get to see you often.”
“Well, I got busy with my job and haven’t been free lately.” Kane responded.
“You got a job! Nice, where at?”
“A local coffee shop named Roast Rica, it’s kinda one of those hipster joints where people go to boycott chain coffee stores.” Shirley nodded understandingly.
“Yeah, I’ve been there one or twice. I love that atmosphere and being around the smell of coffee all day, sounds like a great place to work”
“Yeah.” The conversation lapsed a bit and Kane looked over at the boy’s in the pool. They were playing some form of keepaway with a soccer ball. Kane saw that three surrounded two and were passing above their heads. Deacon was on the outside and was constantly trying to maneuver around his defender to get open for a pass.
“So you said that Deacon invited you earlier, does that mean you were at the meet earlier today?” Kane turned back to Shirley who Kane momentarily forgot was there.
“Oh, yeah, yeah. He caught me during a break.”
“Then did you see his 100 meter sprint?”
“I did, that one was pretty close.”
“Yeah it was. That seal from Humphrey High and Deacon have been rivals since sophomore year. I swear, men and their egos, how do you live with them?” Kane smiled reservedly.
“Wasn’t the women’s meet earlier this week? How did you do?” Kane asked, recognizing that he should also contribute to the conversation.
“Oh, well, you know. After losing a lot of our seniors last year, our talent pool isn’t as deep as the men’s but we squeaked a few wins out.”
“That’s good” Kane responded. He didn’t have a new topic to discuss so he let the conversation lapse. Luckily, Deacon had noticed Kane’s presence and hoisted himself out of the pool and made his way over to where he and Shirley were talking.
“Hey, hey, hey. There he is.” He exclaimed as he pulled Kane into a side hug.
“Gee, thanks. I absolutely love it when dripping wet reptiles hug me while I’m in my nice clothes.” Kane responded, sarcasm dripping from his mouth. Shirley laughed at the remark while Kane pushed his friend off of him. Deacon was wearing normal swim trunks now, these tie-dye and swirly. A snide grin on his face.
“You know, you knew it was a pool party, you should have dressed for the occasion.” He responded
“Yeah, umm, no. No, I didn’t know. You failed to relinquish that information to me earlier.”
“Are you sure? I feel like I would have mentioned it. Oh well” Deacon shaking off the accusation with a shrug. Kane shook his head at him, trying not to let the impulsive nature of his friend get to him. Deacon just grinned back at him. Kane gave Shirley a look which she returned with a sympathetic head tilt.
“I have a couple of spare trunks upstairs, you want to try them on?” Deacon offered
“No, something tells me that they won’t fit.” Kane rebutted while tapping on his stomach.
“Bah, such a negative nancy! Well the offer’s there if you want it.”
“Deacan, bro. You coming back or what?” One of the others in the pool called over to him.
“Yeah, yeah. Keep your trunks on. I'm just greeting my guest like my mama taught me.” Deacon called back. “Got to get back to it. Sure you don’t want to join us Shirley?” Deacon asked.
“And get in the middle of the sausage fest? No, thank you” Shirley responded with a hair flick. Deacon shrugged dismissively before taking a running start and cannonballing into the pool to rejoin the game.
“What a bunch of nerds.” Shirley remarked while watching the game.
“We all have our hobbies, I suppose.” Kane responded, popping open his soda can and taking a sip.
“Oh yeah, what are yours?” Shirley asked, turning and looking directly at Kane. The suddenness of the question caused him to swallow wrong and launched him into a coughing fit for a few moments.
“My hobbies? I mean, uh, why do you ask?” Kane floundered in response.
“Well, we’ve been friends for a while and I feel like we haven’t talked that often. I was kinda curious.” Shirley responded, looking off to the side. Kane’s heart was doing backflips. This was quickly stepping outside of his comfort zone. He took a steadying breath.
“Well, I’m an artist. I sketch. I play videogames sometimes, or just like watching a new anime.” Kane managed to get out. He was always so self conscious when talking about himself. He hoped it didn’t come off as too awkward.
“You sketch! That sounds so cool!” Shirley beamed, immediately getting animated. “Can I see some of your sketches?” The energy was very unexpected.
“Oh, well, you know. They aren’t that good.” Kane said, looking to the side and rubbing his upper arm looking very meek.
“I think I should be the judge of that.” Shirley said, quite matter-of-factly.
“I’m just uncomfortable showing people my sketches. It’s not personal.” Kane said. He was thinking how to turn this around so he wasn’t the center of attention. Shirley’s gaze was like death lasers boring right through him.
“Well, I’d sure love to see them one day.” Shirley replied. She sat fiddling with her ear gazing out into the distance. The sun was setting and it gave the already enchanted backyard a fairytale-like glow. It shined into Shirley’s eyes and accented her coffee brown irises. Kane looked over the scene. The image had an aesthetic composition, Shirley in the foreground as the focal point while the background contained the other individuals at the party and pool. Kane thought it out in his head, which pencils he’d use to trace the lines, the colors he’d blend to create the depth. It would make a wonderful sketch.
Kane drummed up a little of what social battery he had left and overdrafted his courage bank account.
“If you want, I’ll bring my sketchbook next time we meet. You can look over them then.” Kane couldn’t meet Shirley’s gaze as he said the words. He wasn’t even sure he should have said them. But, frankly, she had called him her friend. The fact that she even came over here to start a conversation with him was huge to the shy rhino. In a world where he found it agonizing to try and connect with his peers in person, he knew he shouldn’t wall off the few people that came to him. Shirley was a good person to Kane. One of the few in his life.
Shirley’s face lit up on hearing Kane’s offer. “I’d love to see them. I can see you now, sitting in a small cafe, sipping on espresso with a beret like out of a french classic.” She giggled a bit and Kane couldn’t help but smile too.
“I actually do own a beret.” Kane said
“No way! I knew it!” Shirley said before doubling up on her laughter. Kane felt it was contagious and started laughing too. ‘Yeah” he thought, ‘she’s a pretty good person’
Something clicked in Kane that evening, like a switch turned on. He didn’t feel like his usual self, all shy and demure. After Deacon and company finally got out of the pool, the party moved inside. The nine of them moved on to card games and Kane was having a time of his life. He groaned at the cheesy plays and combinations and laughed at the comedic ones. Tiffany played a particularly raunchy combination about the Pope and well hung horse that shocked everyone and ultimately gave her the win. It was fun. Kane felt one of the crew and even was able to put aside his crush on Deacon for a few hours to have fun with others. But all things do come to an end and even highschoolers have to head home.
“Later guys.” Deacon called after the latest group headed off home. This left only Kane, Deacon, Tiffany, and Shirley as the ladies were waiting for their ride. The four of them were in the den while some halfway decent comedy was playing on Petflix, though Kane was mostly on his phone. While he enjoyed himself, his social battery was beyond spent. He felt pleasantly happy.
“Want some more cookies, Kane?” Deacon asked from the other room. He made a stop at the kitchen on his way back from the front door.
“Nah, man. I feel like I had too many already.” He called back.
“More for me then.” Deacon called back.
“And what about us, Deacon?” Tiffany shouted out.
“Oh, my apologies, would you like some, Tiffany, Shirley?”
“Just one more, they’re just too good.” Tiffany replied.
“Me too,” Shirley said.
“Two more of my infamous Peanut Oatmeal Butter cookies coming right out.” Deacon came into the room holding a couple of cookies in a napkin and offered one to each of the women.
“These are delicious. I almost want to steal the recipe from you.” Shirley said, nibbling on a piece of hers.
“Sorry. Galar family secret. I could tell you but you’d have to marry me first.” Deacon said, that natural charisma rolling of his tongue.
“As if.” Shirley said with an eye roll.
“What? Not your type?” Deacon teased back. Kane smiled at the conversation.
“Nope. Too scaly. I prefer my men with softer skin.” Shirley replied.
“Oh really. Why is that?”
“Cause they are a lot more pleasant to cuddle, less scratchy. And you’re much too angular, it be like cuddling a fake, metal Christmas tree.” 
“Oh, so harsh. Whatever shall my frail, male ego do now that I’m rejected.” Deacon replied, really hamming it up with sarcasm.
“Please, as if your ego was anything but fragile.” Tiffany piped in.
“Why, thank you Tiffany. It’s comments that make it so inflated in the first place.” Deacon countered. The three other guests all just shook their heads. Classic Deacon, always quick to make a joke.
“But back to the topic at hand, we were discussing Shirley’s type. We have established that Shirley looks for at least two things: soft skin and not jagged. What else?”
“Seriously?” Shirley sardonically asked
“Hey, you brought up the topic. I’m just making conversation.” Deacon responded.
“Well alright, but only if you share too, Mr. Conversationalist” Shirley offered.
“Well if it’s just the two of us, then it wouldn’t be fair, now would it? If I have to, then we all should share. Comradery at its finest.” Kane was only half paying attention to the conversation at this point, but the mention of Deacon’s type perked up his ears slightly. ‘Surely, if Deacon was interested in men at all, he’d tell us here, right?’ Kane thought to himself. All of his thoughts back at the swim meet earlier were coming to the front of his mind. He felt his heart skip around a bit.
“Ugh, I knew something like this would happen between the two of you. What the heck, I’m in.” Tiffany agreed. Suddenly, three pairs of eyes turned to Kane who felt his face flush with blush.
“Oh, uh, me? You want me to be part of this?” Kane asked diminutively.
“Yeah, man. You're a part of this group too.” Deacon responded.
“Oh- okay then” Kane responded, sliding his phone into his pocket. His head was racing, what was his type? Swimming Alligators that were also his childhood friend, no way. This was becoming tense for the rhino.
“Well then, Shirley. Go on.” Deacon offered. Shirley started with a sigh.
“Well, like I mentioned. I want someone who’s soft and loves cuddling. He’d be okay with physical affection obviously. He wouldn’t need to be too tall but ideally taller than me. He’d have to be smart, maybe interested in a STEM job after highschool. Kind too, maybe even a little aloof at times. Like he gets lost in his own head but he always smiles when he notices me watching him. I guess someone who’s thinking about something and isn’t single minded.” Shirley was fidgeting a little with her fur and looking up at the ceiling as she responded. Everyone else was silently listening along and Tiffany nodded in agreement with her points.
“That sounds nice.” Tiffany responded. Deacon hummed his understanding and Kane nodded too.
“Well, what about you, Deacon?” the squirrel said.
“Hmm, what about me?” Deacon asked himself, scratching his chin and giving it a thought. Kane leaned in with baited breath. He thought that this might be his moment to get some answers to the questions he’s had floating in his mind.
“Maybe somebody who’s calm, I know I can be pretty rambunctious. Need to have a great sense of humor as I’m a comedic genius and it shouldn’t be wasted. Good laugh, too. Got to be real, can’t just be into me for my devilish looks. Someone who works on themselves, has personal goals..” Deacon trailed off a bit at the end as the others sat around a tad reverently. “Oh, great kisser. Gotta have that!” The exclamation popped the brief illusion the three others were under. Everyone forgot who they were listening to for a moment.
Shirley and Tiffany snorted, Kan sat silent. He was contemplating what Deacon had said. ‘Am I like that? Do I fit that description? He said someone and not some girl. Does that mean anything? Am I overthinking? Probably.’
“Well on with the show!” Deacon said with a hand clap. “And I choose…..” He paused for dramatic effect. Kane and Deacon’s eyes met for the shortest of time, despite Kane quickly looking away. Kane knew what was about to happen. “Kane!”
Kane felt his stomach turn, it was late, he was tired, socially pooped, and now socially obligated to be vulnerable with others. ‘Lovely…’ Kane thought.
“Umm…, well.” He ummed and ahhed a bit to give himself a moment to think. “I guess, you all said some pretty nice things.” he deflected.
“Nah, come on man. We opened up to you. Got to pay us back, and you agreed.” Deacon said. Kane sighed. The other two were looking at him expectantly. He sighed again.
“I guess, like, someone strong. Easy to talk to since I’m not great with people.” Kane looked down at the ground. His stomach was queasy. “Someone willing to go out of their way for me.” His voice shuddered a bit. He cleared his throat and became aware that his palms were quite sweaty. “Someone who’s kind to me and I guess…” His eyes were wandering the space not quite focusing on anything. Kane felt so exposed, so vulnerable. His gaze shifted upward and they met Deacon who was waiting so patiently. His eyes were warm and accepting. Here was Kane’s preferred type, within reach but miles away from him. The agony of that stabbed into his heart and all of the feelings he was able to push aside for the time flooded into him. It hurt. He felt the tears welling up in his eyes.
“Sorry, I can’t do this.” Kane abruptly said as he pushed himself up off the couch and fled towards the bathroom.
“Wait, Kane.” He heard from behind him but kept moving, he pulled the door shut behind him and locked it. He was hyperventilating and a few drops were coming down from his eyes. He sank down the door until he was sitting on the floor. The rhino pulled his legs as close to his chest as he could and rocked a bit to try and steady his nerves. Slowly, his breathing slowed down but the tears didn’t. He sobbed softly.
He wanted his thoughts to just stop to give him some reprieve from the freight train of shit that zipped and zoomed through his mind. Thoughts about Deacon, about himself, about how weak he felt, about how awkward he is, about how tired he felt, about how he fucked up everything, about what Tiffany and Shirley must think of him now, and more. It didn’t stop and to make it worse ever third thought was of Deacon. Sweet Deacon, funny Deacon, kind Deacon. A guy who not only checked every box but wrote the entire survey. ‘In what way could he want me?’ Kane asked himself. He consoled himself with more thoughts of Deacon and their shared history together. The good times and the bad. Eventually, the tears stopped but the ache in his chest never left. Kane didn’t know how long he sat there but eventually there was a soft knock on the door.
“Hey, dude. Are you okay in there?” Deacon’s voice floated through the door. It pulled Kane up out of his stupor. Kane didn’t want to see anyone right now, much less Deacon. But nor did he want to sit here alone anymore. As much as it hurt, he wanted to be with Deacon. He pulled himself up of the floor and took a look at himself in the mirror. His eyes were red and looked unbelievably tired. His clothes were disheveled. He sighed at his reflection. The knock came at the door again.
“Buddy, talk to me.” Deacon said in the hall. “I just want to know if you’re okay.” The concern was clear in his tone.
“I’m alright” Kane weakly responded. His voice cracked.
“Sorry, I couldn’t hear that through the door.” Deacon called back. Kane sighed, ‘Of course he couldn’t’ he thought to himself. He reached over and grabbed the knob debating opening the door. A second of hesitation and he made his decision. He fiddled with the lock and pulled the door open just a crack. He saw Deacon out in the hall, hand up to knock a third time. Kane couldn’t meet his eyes.
“I said, I’m alright.” Kane repeated. He could hear his exhaustion in his own voice and his look in the mirror had confirmed that he didn’t look much better.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Deacon asked.
“I don’t know, man.” Kane responded. Deacon waited a moment.
“Shirley and Tiffany left earlier. Their ride showed up. They wanted me to tell you they hope you’re okay.” Kane had completely forgotten that there were other guests here when he ran off.
“Fuck, I forgot about them. They probably think I’m some sort of freak now.”
“Bro, you need to stop assuming people think the worst about you. First off, they don’t. They were very concerned. They both got up to come after you.  I convinced them that it was best to give you some alone time and I’ll check on you after they left. Secondly, they did actually tell me to tell you that they hope you’re okay. They are very nice people, and you know this. You’re insulting them by assuming that, and you’re insulting yourself by letting yourself think that.” Deacon’s voice had a sharp edge to it. It struck Kane a bit too forcefully and he physically withdrew back from the crack in the door. He heard Deacon sigh. “I’m sorry, man. That was a little harsh. But you know what I mean.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” Kane responded. Deacon wasn’t wrong, Kane knew that the women were really decent people. It wasn’t fair, it was just projections of his own low self-esteem. A moment of silence passed between them.
“Do you want to come back to the den or stay in there?” Deacon asked.
“I want to stay in here.”
“Alright” Kane heard a shuffling sound and, upon inspection, saw Deacon sitting down on the floor in the hall. Deacon smiled at Kane through the door. The portly rhino smiled back and sat down on the floor as well. He pulled the door open a little further.
“Are you feeling better?” Deacon asked. Kane nodded. “That’s good,” Deacon continued, “I brought you some cookies and milk if you wanted it.” Deacon gestured to the side where a small plate with a few cookies and a glass of milk. Kane snorted.
“What am I, a child?” Kane asked.
“Hey, you like these cookies. And you know they go great with milk.” Deacon countered. Kane chuckled dryly. He couldn’t deny either claim. He reached out and Deacon slid the plate closer so Kane could scoop one of the covetous snacks being offered. He nibbled it slowly, trying to savor the sweet taste of icing, the nutty oatmeal, and savory peanut butter. It was good and it did help. Deacon picked up his own and popped it right into his mouth, chomping loudly.
The friends sat there in meditative silence, Deacon never pushed any further for conversation and Kane wasn’t sure quite how to start one either. The few cookies were dwindling down as the two shared the snack. Kane looked out to Deacon who smiled and offered out the glass of white liquid.
“Milk to wash it down?”
“Thanks.” Kane reached out and grabbed the glass. It felt cool in his palm. He took a few sips to wash down the lingering aftertastes. They did go great together. Eventually, Kane was ready to start talking.
“I’m sorry for running.” he started.
“It’s okay, man.”
“I just felt so.. exposed. I don’t know.”
“No, for sure man. It was a personal topic.”
“I do feel like I ruined the moment still.”
“Like I said before, no one’s angry at you.” Deacon affirmed, “I’m not mad, Shirley and Tiffany understood.”
“I feel so frustrated. We were having a nice time and I couldn’t, you know, keep it together.” Deacon snorted a little at that.
“Dude, you serious? Do you even know how long you kept it together before that? Like four hours. With my swim buddies. Basically strangers. I was amazed that you didn’t peace out after we got out of the pool. I was happy you stayed, and impressed you made it that long. I think you’re getting hung up on the wrong stuff. We should be celebrating! Kane Ceros lasted four hours at a party. Got to be a new record.” Kane shyly looked away and smiled at the praise. Leave it to Deacon to get up in arms about setting new records. “No, like really man. I thought it was awesome.”
“I wish I felt awesome.” Kane responded.
“Well, it’s easy. Just do as I do.” Kane watched as Deacon thrust his arms in celebration. “I’m fucking awesome!” the gater said. Kane laughed at the display, finding humor in the absurdity of it. The gator however was staring at the rhino expectantly.
“Seriously?” Kane asked his friend. Deacon nodded, his eyes wide and trying to look as convincing as possible. Kane shook his head and looked off to the side.
“Alright, alright,” Kane responded, his friend’s natural charisma working its magic. The rhino lifted his arms above his head and drummed up some facsimile of celebration. “I’m fucking awesome.”
“Yeah, you are, dude!” The friends laughed at their hallway shenanigans. Kane dropped his arms to his sides.
“I wish it was easier.” Kane said.
“What was?” Deacon asked.
“Talking to people, holding conversations, being, you know, normal. Everyone else makes it look so easy.”
“Come on, man. No one’s normal. It’s just an illusion.”
“Well, other people are better than me at dealing with others. I just wish I was more like-” Kane cut himself off. He felt himself getting heated and didn’t want to say something rashly.
“More like who?” Deacon asked, cocking his head to the side. Kane steeled himself.
“You, I guess.” Kane responded.
“You want to be like me?”
“I mean, kinda. You’re really the awesome one. You can talk to anyone, you can connect with people, you’re not shy, you get tons of women, they flock to you. And I, just, sit on the sidelines and judge others and myself and wish I wasn’t me.” Deacon was silent for a time, clearly in a lot of thought. Kane mentally chastised himself. ‘Why’d I go and do that?’ he thought to himself. A minute or two passed where the silence was unbroken. Kane looked around embarrassedly, trying to take his mind off what he just said.
“I’m sor-” Kane started.
“It’s not easy, being me.” Deacon interrupted. Kane was a bit shocked by the statement.
“What?” Kane asked.
“It’s not easy, being me. Sometimes it’s just as frustrating as being you.” Deacon said. His voice was low and the words were a bit forced. Clearly, he wasn’t comfortable sharing this. Kane watched as Deacon pulled up his legs close to his chest and put his head down.
“Sometimes, it’s hard. Sometimes, I just can’t stop talking, can’t stop thinking. I have to always have a comeback, a witty comment, the last word. People like me, sure, and I can talk to them, but sometimes I just don’t. I don’t like them and they come up to me, in the halls, at lunch, whatever.” Over time, his words come out more sure, more easily. “They come up to me and compliment my looks, my muscles, my body and it’s obvious that is all they want, all they see.” Kane listened to Deacon take a few breaths.
“Like, yeah, sure, I’m hot. Whatever, but I don’t know you, you know. You don’t know me. It got so hard that I’ve started lying to them. I’ve told them so many lies, dude. I’ve told them I was seeing someone else, that I’m interested in someone else, I’m going to see someone else.”
“Over time, as the lies spread, the rumors started. I slept with her, I slept with her, I was dating two girls at a time. I felt so sick of it. God, I wanted it to stop. I wanted to quit swimming, change schools, get fat,  move away, anything to escape the lies that followed me everywhere. I dread looking at my phone when I get a message, you cannot guess how many girls have sent me nudes, I’ve just never responded. I don’t want to see your body, I don’t want you to text me, just leave me alone.”
“I get so frustrated and angry, Kane, all the things you say about yourself. That you’re shy, that you’re unattractive, that you’re more comfortable on your own, that you only like your own company. All the stuff that you say you wish to change about yourself, is the exact same stuff that I wish I had. I wish I wasn’t as addicted to attention from others, I wish I could just stop talking, I wish I could just be alone. I wish others did just see my body and want me. I wish they wanted to get to know me. I wish they just understood me.” Deacon was getting angry, he was gripping hard on his legs and trembling slightly. Kane was speechless. ‘Is that what Deacon really thinks about himself?’ Kane thought. The rhino couldn’t believe it. His friend was bearing such a deep secret to him, so casually just denying everything that Kane ever thought about Deacon. Kane could hear sniffling from his friend. The gator was trembling slightly.
Kane felt so conflicted, his image of Deacon in his mind and the way he looked now was so different. The two were complete opposites. ‘What do I do? What do I do?’ Kane furiously thought to himself. He felt that he needed to do something, what kind of friend just sits there while they’re crying and clearly feeling so alone. ‘What would Deacon do?’ Kane eventually asked himself. Kane has been Deacon’s friend for years, he knew the gator, there must be something.
‘He’d go over there and console him’ Kane concluded. He pulled the bathroom door more open and started crawling across the way hall to his friend. Deacon didn’t stir but straightened up a little as the presence of the bigger rhino sat down on the wall next to his friend. Their arms were lightly grazing each other.
“I never knew you felt that way.” Kane started, “I almost don’t believe it. You always looked so cool, so popular, so confident. You were, well are, my hero, kinda.” Kane nudged Deacon’s arm with his own. “But, man, I mean, I’m glad you’ve shared that with me.” Deacon lifted his head from his arms and glanced to the side. His eyes were a bit wet and for once, Kane noticed how fragile he looked. Deacon’s normal mask of pleasant charisma was now replaced with something else, someone else. This Deacon was scared and alone and Kane wasn’t going to leave him.
“Hero? Bro, you’re my hero.” Deacon responded.
“Huh?” Kane asked while cocking his head.
“Like, I see you struggling. I see you trying to better yourself. You’re trying to be more outgoing, sociable. You’re working on yourself. I said I was impressed by how long you’ve lasted here tonight and that wasn’t a joke. You’re clearly trying and succeeding, bro! You came to my meet earlier despite all the people around. I don’t feel like I’m doing anything but spinning my wheels.” Kane blushed at the praise. He had been trying, it just was a new experience to hear his effort acknowledged by the one it was for.
“I… thanks, man.” Kane ended up saying. This night was going so weird for Kane, but it felt right to be here, here with Deacon. Kane was reminded why he liked being with the jock. He felt seen, understood, like Deacon was able to peer through all the surface level stuff and see Kane. Kane also felt closer to Deacon after he shared that stuff about himself.
“Any cookies left?” the rhino asked. Deacon tsked.
“Sorry, man. We just finished them.”
“That sucks, too bad we can’t ask your mom to make more in the dead of night.” Kane joked while nudging the reptile next to him. Deacon sheepishly looked away from the rhino and softly responded.
“Umm.. I made those cookies.” He said
“Wait? Really?” Kane asked, a bit shocked. Deacon nodded. “I thought you said that your mom baked them expecting me to come tonight.”
“Yeah, that was, well, a lie. I’m sorry.” Deacon responded.
“Really?” Kane still questioned.
“I mean, yeah. I mean the party was already planned but I didn’t even know you’d be at the swim meet so I didn’t think to invite you. I had to rush home afterwards to bake them real quick.”
“Huh.” Kane was still somewhat shocked about that. ‘Why would Deacon bake me cookies?’ he thought to himself.
“Yeah, sorry. I- sorry.” Deacon apologized.
“You made them just for me?” Kane asked.
“Yes.”
“Why?” Kane asked. This was odd to the rhino. Deacon was a great friend but even this went beyond what Kane expected of him. Deacon wasn’t meeting his eyes and shrugged off the question a bit.
“I invited you and needed to think of a reason for you to show up, I guess.” It wasn’t much of an answer but that seemed to be all that Deacon was going to share. Kane sat stewing over this new information. Between all of the stuff that had happened tonight, he had forgotten all about the rumor he heard about Deacon back at the swim meet, the one about him having a threesome with another guy. Thinking about it now, Kane was still just as curious, but how would he even bring up that topic especially with what he knows now. ‘Do I even want to know the answer?’ he thought. Deacon seemed lost in thought too. He had calmed down from his hysteria earlier, which Kane took as a good sign at least.
‘I feel like it’s now or never.’ Kane kinda concluded. He wanted the resolution, he wanted to stop harboring this longing for Deacon, he felt like if there ever was a time, it was now. They were already sharing so much anyway tonight. The resolve didn’t come without fear. The fear in his mind definitely was gripping his heart and stomach. ‘Now or never, now or never, now or never.’ He kept repeating to himself. ‘Here I go!’
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Can I ask you something?”
The two of them spoke up at the same time, catching the other offguard.
“Oh sorry,”
“No, no, no that was my fault.”
“Yeah, sorry you go first.”
“Are you sure?”
“No, it’s fine.”
“Oh, okay.”
The two floundered back and forth a little bit, quite flummoxed by the irony. Eventually, they agreed that Kane should go first. With a quick breath for good luck, Kane set forth on his question.
“So.. I was at the meet earlier today and there were those two girls who were sitting behind me, remember?” Kane started.
“Yeah, they came up to ask me to come to the party.”
“Yeah, well. They were talking about you and I was overhearing them. And, I’m mean, I know that you were just talking about your lies to get people to stop thirsting after you.”
“Yeah…” Deacon asked, his confusion at the line of questioning present on his face.
“Well, they were mentioning that you were part of a threeso-”
“I’m going to stop you right there, bro.” Deacon cut in swiftly. “I don’t know where Carly got the idea, or Robert, or whomever. Honestly, there’s so much shit out there that I can’t even keep track of it all. So I'm going to tell it to you straight. And I’m saying this cause I trust you bro, I know you wouldn’t spread this around.” Deacon looked at Kane quite seriously.
“Of course not.” Kane affirmed.
“Alright,” Deacon took a deep breath, “I’ve never… been with anyone before.” he said with an accompanying hand gesture to emphasize his meaning.
“Ohh.” Kane responded, the rhino wasn’t quite prepared for that. He wasn’t quite surprised after what Deacon shared with him earlier, but it was just unexpected.
“So, yeah. Just so the record’s straight between us.” Deacon said. The gator moved to stand up and started rubbing his lower back. “Man, how long have we been sitting here in the hall? My back feels all kinds of messed up.” It took Deacon saying that for Kane to remember that, yeah, they have been sitting out in the hall for a while. Kane moved to stand up too, massaging feeling back into his legs. Deacon bent over to pick the plate and cup of the floor which afforded Kane a very closeup look of his ass. Kane starred only briefly before pulling his head away. He hadn’t meant to but it just pulled him in. Deacon had switched into some basketball shorts after swimming earlier, but this showed off enough of his figure to excite Kane.
‘Oh, boy.’ he thought to himself. His question about whether Deacon was with another man was answered, but unfortunately it didn’t answer the deeper question of whether Deacon had any interest in men. It still left a little too much unanswered to Kane and he didn’t have a great way to follow up on his resolve at the moment. Deacon started walking off towards the kitchen with the dishes and Kane followed behind. Deacon took a moment to clean up while Kane looked out at the living room where he and the others were having fun just a little bit ago. It felt like such a long time ago.
“So, about my question?” Deacon started, returning Kane’s attention from the other room. The water from the sink shut off.
“Oh, right. Of course.” Kane recalled.
“Well, I guess I have two.” Deacon said, “First, do you want to spend the night? It’s getting late and I just wanted to know what you were thinking.”
Kane looked over at the clock on the oven in the kitchen and saw it was well after 11 pm and approaching midnight. Kane suddenly felt quite tired. He hadn’t realized how late it had gotten. He pulled out his phone real quick and saw he had a couple texts too that he hasn’t read yet.
The first was from Shirley, it was just a quick message saying that she hoped Kane felt better. He responded briefly that he is feeling a lot better now and thank you for checking up on him. The second was from his dad who was checking up on him and when he planned to be home. He didn’t have any plans for tomorrow until later that day when he had a shift at work. It wasn’t a hard decision, but he hesitated anyway. He was already in a weird headspace. He had been around people all day and he’d be committing to being around Deacon all night. That was a bit of a risky idea. They hadn’t had a sleepover in ages as it was much more common when they were young and certainly not since he developed his crush on the gator.
“Well?” Deacon asked. Kane hummed and hawed about it for a moment more. ‘I’m so close to knowing.’ He thought. ‘I can do this.’
“Yeah, I’ll stay the night, but I obviously didn’t bring anything for that” Kane responded while sending a quick text to his dad about his plans.
“Don’t worry about that. I’m sure we’ll find you something.” Deacon said. The gator padded the rhino on the arm as he passed by on his way down the hall. Kane followed him towards his room. The room was like any other highschooler’s room, except for all the swimming medals, trophies, and accolades adorning the walls. They recorded the history of Deacon’s swimming career since his youth. State and school records from elementary through his now senior year. Beyond that the room was plain and simple. Deacon was fiddling through his closet taking out a sleeping bag, an extra pillow, and some blankets for Kane to sleep on tonight. Kane took a look around the room. It had been Deacon’s for a long time now. Kane had many fond memories in this room. They’d built pillow forts and played videogames all night in this room. Played make believe and did homework together. Kane liked the room.
“Alright, I think I got enough here for you.” Deacon said. He spread the sleeping bag on the floor and used it and a comforter to act as a mattress for his guest. Added some pillows and blankets for comfort.
“Voila!” the gator said with a flourish, “Only the finest of spreads for my honorable guest.” He added with a grand bow.
“How classy.” Kane flatly said with a smile. Deacon winked at his friend before tossing himself onto the bed with a flop.
“Man, I’m tired. I’m going to sleep so well tonight, dude.” Deacon said.
“Yeah” Kane agreed. He was tired, in more ways than one. But something was on his mind.
“What was your second question?”
“Huh?” Deacon said, turning his head without getting up from lying on his bed.
“You said you had two questions, what was your second question?” Kane asked.
“Oh.” Deacon responded and turned towards the wall so that his back was to Kane. Kane walked over and sat on the corner of the bed. Seconds dragged on between the two of them. Neither one looked to interrupt it. The question hung in the air for a bit before Deacon sat up with a start. The motion shook the bed a bit. Deacon pulled up beside Kane at the edge. He looked a little conflicted but eventually he started.
“Kane, if I ask you something, will you be honest with me?”
“What?” Kane said.
“Well, like, if it’s personal. Would you be honest with me?”
“That’s a loaded question.”
“I know, I just needed to know, you know?”
“Not really.”
“Well, oh well. I guess here it goes.” The gator stopped for a moment. He looked down at his hands and twiddled his thumbs for a bit.
“Do you… like me?” The question came out unconfidently but also almost unceremoniously. Kane’s mind just flatlined, he had no response to that, nor did he even expect the question in the first place.
“Uhhh…” He vocalized while his eyes darted left and right.
“Shit! I’m sorry, man. That was a really stupid question. Don’t answer that. Just forget I asked.” Deacon said quickly before flopping away from Kane into the corner of the bed again. Kane sat stunned. ‘What the fuck.’ he thought to himself. All that worry, all the anxiety about asking Deacon about his tastes in people just for Deacon to flip the script on him and ask him straight out. It immediately felt very hot and stuffy in the room. He stood up and started to pace the room, attempting to process what just happened. His mind was racing. He glanced at Deacon who was lightly bopping his head on the wall. The noise made a dull thud sound. Kane couldn’t stop a laugh from bubbling up from inside. Deacon looked over at him. His face was tinged with red as blush crept up his face.
“Hey, look sorry. It was a dumb question. We don’t even have to address it.”
Kane turned and looked at the walls of trophies and medals. He was taking steady breaths to slow down the thumping in his chest as his heart was doing quadruple backflips every beat. It felt so absurd, so unfair. ‘I can’t believe he asked me that. Like what the fuck!’ Kane thought to himself. He breathed in deep and let out a long sigh.
“I’m sorry, dude.” Deacon said. “I didn’t mean to make it so awkwa-”
“Yes.” Kane interjected without giving it much more thought. It was stupid, it was crazy, but he did it anyway. Then it was Deacon’s turn to be stunned. The gator blinked a few times in quick succession. Kane felt a strange wave of calm. Months of agony and yearning, months of desire and dreaming, months of hanging on to every word from this man’s mouth. It felt so relieving to have it out there.
“Are you sure?” was all Deacon could muster up in response. Kane stared directly at the right in his friend’s face, his crush’s face, and held it there. A weird amount of courage bubbled up from within the rhino. Kane nodded.
“Bro..” Deacon breathily responded. “I..” He rubbed a hand over the top of his head.
“I’ve liked you for a while, Deacon. I just had no idea how to say anything, I didn’t even know whether you were interested in men at all. So I just hid it.” Kane’s new found courage carried him forward. He stepped towards the bed. He gently sat on the corner opposite of where Deacon sat still showing shock. Kane looked away and fiddled his thumbs together and waited for Deacon to say something.
“Well, I guess that makes this easy.” The gator eventually said.
“What do you mean by that?” Kane said, turning back towards his crush. Deacon finally crawled out of the corner toward Kane and joined him on the side of the bed. The two were pretty close now. Kane all of a sudden felt very thirsty, his throat was dry.
“Kane, I like you too.” Deacon said.
“Huh, how about that.” Kane responded. Deacon snickered at that remark.
“That’s your response, bro?” He said after gaining some composure.
“Ya know, bro. I got nothing left but that. I’m so tired right now.”
“Too true, bro. I’m running on fumes. My sugar crash from those cookies is hitting hard.” The two drained friends sat and just chuckled at each other. “So what now, dude.”
“I think we should sleep, bro. I can’t do anything more than that.”
“Agreed.” Kane got up and felt so wiped and groggy. It was like he had just swam 400 meters. ‘He likes me. He likes me back.’ The portly rhino thought giddily.
“Hey, Kane?” He heard Deacon call behind him. He turned toward the gator. “Can I hug you? I just, would like to hold you for a moment” Deacon barely whispered it out. He looked so shy about it, like he was asking for something nonsensical. Kane supposed that in a way, up until a few moments ago, it was.
“Yeah, I’d like that.” Kane responded. Deacon jumped up eagerly, but hesitated as he closed the couple foot gap between them. Kane held his arms out to his sides. The normally confident gator tiptoed his way into the embrace. Kane felt his toned arms slink up and around his sides and around to his back. He wrapped his own around Deacon. Deacon tucked his head into Kane’s chest and the rhino felt the slightly shorter gator relax in the grip, like a wave of muscles letting go of a heavy weight. Kane was feeling on cloud nine himself. He finally made it, here he was holding Deacon in his arms. He had dreamt so much about this moment and had convinced himself that it would never happen. They sat there for a while and just enjoyed the feeling of holding the other. But the moment eventually had to end. Kane pulled back a bit, he was feeling flustered and a bit dizzy from the elation he was feeling. Deacon stepped back too and they both had these goofy smiles on their faces. They almost couldn’t meet each other’s eyes with all of the tingly emotion running through their minds and bodies.
“Bro, that felt so nice.” Deacon said after about half a minute.
“Yeah, it did.” Kane agreed.
“You’re a great hugger by the way, so big and soft.” Deacon said. Kane blushed at the comment.
“Yeah, I guess it’s this belly of mine.” the rhino added with a tap to his protruding gut. “I guess it’s good for something.” He sharply added.
“Hey, man. Don’t be like that. I’ve always kinda liked it.” Deacon was not able to look at Kane while he responded.
“Wait, really?” Kane said for what must of been the twentieth time this evening. Kane sat on his bed and grabbed a pillow to cradle in his arms. Kane thought it looked so cute. The gator shrugged and nodded.
“I guess, it just fits you. You’re soft and kind, you look jovial. It bounces when you laugh. I bet it’d be great to poke.” The gator even went as far to reach out a clawed finger toward the rhino before stopping himself and retracting his arm. “Sorry, that was weird.”
“Well, do you want to?” Kane offered. A sense of calm covered Kane in the moment. His normal anxiety all just kinda flushed away and pure, radical acceptance of the situation flowed in.
“You’d let me?” Deacon asked, a bit astonished.
“Well, only if you ask politely.” Kane countered with a smirk and a wink. Deacon pffted at the cheesy remark.
“Dude, what the hell was that?” Deacon said between laughs. Kane felt his face get flush.
“I guess, I was just going for it. I don’t know. I really don’t know how to react in this situation.” Kane quickly responded. Deacon sighed out.
“God, you’re telling me.” Deacon laid back on his bed. The pillow still cupped between his arms. Kane looked down at his gut. It had always been a source of shame to the young rhino. Since puberty his body just had gotten wider and wider. His weight always seemed to outstrip his height. Not that he could blame everything on genetics. His lifestyle wasn’t particularly active and diet was pretty rich in calories. He always assumed everyone was judging him. It also didn’t help that he constantly compared himself to Deacon, the swimming god of their highschool. But with the new information from Kane, a different opinion was forming in his mind.
Kane sat down on the bed, the frame and springs shifted under his addition of more weight and he inched himself back till he was seated against the wall. Deacon looked down at the rhino as he did this. He had a strange thought, a mild prank idea for the gator beside him. Idly, he fingered the hem of his shirt. The two toned t-shirt went just below his pant line. As casually as he could muster, the rhino lifted it slowly, using his fingers to bring up a millimeter at a time. He felt colder air pass onto his skin as he did so. After about a minute, he glanced at Deacon through the corner of his eye. The gator’s eyes were squarely focused on the point where his shirt was rising up. His grayish skin holding the other’s attention.
“I know what you’re doing, bro. Won’t work.” Deacon said, his eyes still fixed on his slowly revealed stomach.
“What, exactly, am I doing?... Bro.” Kane asked coyly.
“You’re trying to manipulate me. Unfortunately, I’m a master of my desires.” Deacon said resolutely.
“Oh, well then. I guess I’ll just put my shirt back down.” Kane said while smoothing down his shirt to cover up the bit of flesh he was showing off. Deacon actually whimpered. Kane raised his eyebrows in response. He was learning all kinds of new stuff about his friend, and himself. He never thought he’d act so fiendishly, it was a bit exhilarating. Deacon was looking across the room, he looked frustrated, almost angry. His eyes came back to meet Kane’s. He licked his lips and asked.
“Kane, can I play with your belly?” He asked quite sheepishly.
“If you’d like to.” Kane responded.
Deacon roused from his position and crawled across the bed, a wide grin showing off his teeth. He reached out and settled a hand on Kane’s stomach. It rose and fell with Kane’s soft breaths. Deacon started rubbing it in small circles. Kane felt the fabric drag across his body. The soft tingles were a nice sensation. Over time, Deacon became more confident. The circles became wider and he pressed into the fat to make some indentations in Kane’s shirt.
“Ya know, I wouldn’t have thought you’d be into plus sized bellies like this?” Kane said to break the silence that was between them.
“Why? Cause I’m fit and toned?” Deacon shot back.
“Well, kinda.” Kane said as Deacon added his other hand to the mix and pressed in with his finger tips.
“Dude, I see so many abs every time I change out in the locker room, you get over it pretty quickly.”
“Huh.” Kane responded.
“I just, I don’t know, man. I just like it.”
“Hey man, no judgment here” Kane shrugged. “Just curious.”
“Alright, your turn.” Deacon said.
“What do you mean?” Kane asked.
“Bro, come on. You know I like big bellies, now you got to share something too.” Deacon said, staring directly into Kane’s eyes. They were very close and Kane could feel Deacon’s breath on his face.
“Ah, right. Reciprocity.”
“See, you got it bro!” Deacon said as he patted Kane’s mound. It sent little waves that traveled across his torso.
“Well, um.” Kane’s mind had tons of thoughts going through it. ‘God, what don’t I like? Your face, your muscles, your tail, your..’ he thought as the list went on and on. He selected one and cleared his throat in preparation of his answer.
“Well, uh. I, kinda, like seeing you in your speedo. You know, at your meet. It was cute.” He demurely  replied.
“My speedo” Deacon said, stopping his ministrations to Kane’s stomach.
“Well, not cute cute. You know, I meant, manly. It was vibrant. Or uh.” Kane tried backtracking. He poked his fingers together as he tried to think of something else to say. Deacon has this odd smile on his face. The gator got up from the bed and crossed to the door of the bedroom.
“Where are you going?” Kane asked concerned as if he said something to offend Deacon.
“I’ll be right back. You sit right there and relax.” Deacon said as he slipped into the hall, closing the door behind him. Kane sat alone in the room with no one but his thoughts for a bit. He was trying to process everything that has happened today. He rested his head back to the wall with a thud. Now that he was alone, he finally realized how awake his mind was but how tired his body felt. He brought a hand up to his stomach and repeated the motions that Deacon was administering to him earlier. The tingles weren’t as enjoyable as they were before. They were missing that spark, they were missing Deacon. Kane smiled to himself. ‘Missing Deacon. I’ve done that for so long, but now it’s for a different reason.’ His thoughts  were interrupted as the door opened. He sat up with a start to see Deacon with a devilish grin on his face. His stare was so sinister that Kane gulped in anticipation. Deacon gave a quick chuckle as he eyed Kane from across the room.
“What’s up?” Kane asked tentatively.
“Oh, nothing much. Just some pay back.” Deacon snidely responded.
“What do you mean?” Kane asked, cocking his head to the side.
“Well, since you decided to so rudely tease me earlier. It’s only fair that I get to do the same to you.” Deacon said while spinning his torso left and right like a kid relishing in their mischief.
“What teasing?” Kane asked.
“When you decided to pull up your shirt just enough to give me a taste of your gorgeous belly. So, I’ve decided we’ll play a game.”
“A game? What are you talking about? You want to see my belly again?”
“Yes, I do. Among other things, but I didn’t think it was fair to you so I came up with this fun game for us. The best thing is that we both get what we want in the end so there’s no losers.”
“Okay, but what’s in it for me?” the rhino asked inquisitively.
“Well, that’s part of the fun. We both have something the other wants so the best way to get it is to offer something up in exchange. I, as you already pointed out, want to see your belly in its full glory. In exchange, I’ll take off my shirt and you have to take off yours. See?” Deacon asked with a grin. Kane thought about that for a moment. If Deacon takes his shirt off, Kane would have to as well. That way Deacon gets to see his stomach. That makes sense, but…
“So what do I get then?” Kane asked.
“Well, you like seeing me in speedos, right?” Kane nodded, “What do you think I’m wearing under my shorts?” Deacon asked. It clicked in an instant. Kane’s eyes flashed down to the basketball shorts Deacon was wearing. They were the same ones he’s been wearing since they all got out of the pool and dried off earlier. That must be where he went just now. He caught himself staring and went to look up at Deacon’s face. Deacon’s grin turned downright nasty as the ploy’s intentions came together.
“Uhhhh…” Kane stammered as he couldn’t think of a response.
“Hehehe. The look on your face is exactly what I was going for. The mixture of desire and embarrassment. You wear it so well.” Deacon teased. Kane’s face felt scorching hot, a lot of blood must be pooling in his face right now, but simultaneously he felt so light headed. The whole while, Deacon stood across the room with his hands behind his back. ‘That bastard!’ Kane thought in his head. The plan to weaponize Kane’s desire was so perfectly executed. Oh, god, did he want to see Deacon in a speedo again and this time up close and personal.
“So? Do you agree to the terms of the game? If not, that's fine. My tight, cherry red speedo can wait to play with you another time.” Deacon pulled the waist of his shorts out but not down. The elastic stretched and Kane swallowed, scanning for any hint at the article of clothing that laid hidden underneath. Kane’s mind was racing thinking about the game, the rules, the prize, all of it over and over. ‘I would have to pull off my pants to see them, though.’ That thought sobered him up a bit. That was such a big step and their relationship had taken so many leaps in just this one night. He wanted to say yes, but a deep part of him was really afraid. It was happening fast, too fast. He wanted to, but Kane couldn’t get over the idea that this wasn’t how he wanted to do this. He struggled with that decision. It hurt him. ‘Stop’ he told himself, ‘It’s fine. He’ll understand. It’s Deacon after all, he’d understand.’ Kane put a hand on his chest and took a deep breath and another moment to collect his thoughts. Deacon still stood on the other side of the room, awaiting an answer. Kane found his resolve and gave it to him.
“Deacon, I can’t.” He said. He stood up from the bed and walked toward the gator. His face was crestfallen. Kane tenderly reached out and grabbed Deacon’s hand. “I can’t do this tonight. You know, we’ve just confessed a lot to each other. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around it. I’ve dealt with months of trying to deal with my emotions surrounding you. It’s just too much for me to add…that to it.” Kane included a gesture to Deacon’s midriff with that last statement. “So I’m sorry. I can’t.” Deacon was nodding along and gripped Kane’s hand back.
“Yeah, totally. That’s no problem, bro.” Deacon responded, it was curt.
“Are you mad?” Kane asked.
“I’m-” He started before taking a moment to collect himself. “No, I’m not mad. You’re right, a lot’s happened tonight. I just, I just got so caught up in the moment and, you know, just couldn’t stop. But you knew to stop. That’s just like you, bro.” Kane’s mind knew he made the right choice, his heart however ached.
“I’m sorry,” Kane said.
“Please don’t be. I would have pushed and pushed, and then felt terrible afterwards. I’m actually really happy you put the brakes on.” They stood there awkwardly. Kane could tell Deacon’s thoughts were racing. His eyes were wandering all around the room.
“Hey,” Kane called softly while pulling Deacon’s hand to his stomach, “Don’t you go overthinking things. That’s my half of the relationship.” Deacon smiled and shook his head.
“Oh, so we’re already in a relationship now.” He joked. Kane rolled his eyes at that. “Sorry, I know that’s not what you meant.”
“I think for now. Let’s get to sleep. It’s much too late for anything more. We can talk more in the morning. Okay?”
“God, yes. I need sleep. But, can I have another hug first?” Kane responded by pulling the silly gator close. Much like their first, the two sank into each other’s arms. It felt nice. It felt right. It felt safe. Kane didn’t need to debate doing this. Deacon patted Kane’s back twice signaling the end of the hug. The friends pulled a part. They had smiles on their faces.
A couple of moments later, the two were bundled up, Kane on the floor and Deacon in his bed. The lights were out and Kane sat staring at the ceiling in the dark. Across the room he heard the gator’s breathing. Strangely, it comforted him. He closed his eyes and tried to match his breathing with Deacon’s. Tons of thoughts were swirling around his head but one by one they sank into darkness and eventually, Kane slipped into pleasant dreams.