Deacon felt like shit. His head had a dull burn caused by lack of sleep. Last night was emotional for him, to say the least. He stared to the heavens and tried to hold his gaze on the texture of the popcorn ceilings. The events of last night were just coursing over and over like a record player that was skipping without end. A brief glance to the alarm clock on his right told him it was 5:48 in the morning. Two hours, that’s how long he has been awake. His eyes were dry and probably bloodshot. Only about three hours of sleep wasn’t enough time for the young adult alligator to recharge from his night with Kane.

Thinking of, Deacon looked to the floor of his bedroom to the huddle of blankets that obscured the form of the chubby rhino. There was a gentle rhythm of rises and falls to the mass as Kane dozed peacefully unaware of the mental turmoil plaguing Deacon. Deacon watched the oscillations of Kane’s chest, like small waves cresting and breaking against the side of a ship. He felt envious. The alligator turned so that his back was to Kane, the bed squeaked and jiggled beneath the sudden motion. Despite removing Kane from his vision, his friend was still in his thoughts. At least, Deacon thought they were still friends. ‘Boyfriends, partners, crushes, bros, pals, friends with benefits’ Deacon listed out silently in his mind. Each one felt sour. ‘Somewhere in between all of that, I guess.’ Deacon thought. Those thoughts restarted the hamster wheel of recollection that Deacon has been on for the last two hours.

He was hyper analyzing everything about last night. From spilling his deepest insecurities in the hall to Kane, asking if Kane liked him, which he had suspected for a while but was never sure, to admitting feelings back, to finally his game. That stupid, fucking game. Deacon cringed silently, scrunching his face into a grimace, as he thought about it. ‘What drugs was I on?’ he asked himself. ‘Whoes fucking first thought when they get told their feelings were reciprocated is to get in their pants?’ He relaxed his facial muscles but his fist remained clenched. ‘You, for one, dumbass.’ he eventually answered himself. That was quite a sobering thought. The pit that was his stomach sank even further as his guts stitched into even tighter knots. His breathing caught in his lungs. His heart panged in his chest. His brain throbbed behind his eyes.

‘What was wrong with me?’ he asked the echo chamber that was his mind. ‘Why are you like this?’ Nobody responded to his questions and he was just left with his shame and guilt. An external sound shook him from his self-perpetuating crisis. Kane snored and the blankets rustled. Deacon felt he shouldn’t have but he turned back around. The mound of blankets had stirred and the rhino’s face peaked out. A calm still expression of restful sleep was on his face. His fleshy ears flicked in subconscious responses to his dreams. Deacon looked upon the face of his childhood buddy and had a feeling of compersion, of happiness, for the resting rhino. Kane was constantly worried, his eyes were often filled with anxious energy and darted here and there, his body language shied away from others. But here on the floor of Deacon’s bedroom, he looked serene, secure, safe. It always made Deacon happy to know that when it was just the two of them all of that burden lifted off of Kane’s shoulders. He enjoyed being Kane’s escape.

Last night, Deacon admitted that he was so proud of Kane’s progress at improving himself, but it was deeper than he was able to verbalize. Deacon has been noticing how Kane’s been pushing himself a little further over time. At the meet yesterday, Deacon recalled the moment their eyes met after his race. He had been his typical, showboating self and hamming it up for the crowd. And in that crowd was Kane, his black cartoon shirt or whatever that he’s fanboy-ed about to Deacon before. That moment short-circuited his brain for a second. Deacon wouldn’t have thought in a million of years that he’d find Kane, the nervous nelly, seated in the student section of the stands, surrounded by strangers, at a swim meet. His swim meet.

Deacon’s heart fluttered a bit in the present as he remembered that moment. It helped to ease some of the other feelings he’d been stewing in. Their eyes ment, Kane waved, Deacon pointed back to him. And then the girls behind the rhino started screaming. Deacon was fondly remembering the scene. It was the catalyst for everything that had happened later yesterday. If he hadn’t known that Kane was there, the dummy hadn’t told Deacon he was coming, he wouldn’t have sought him out and invited him to his party during the break. Their moment in the bathroom in the locker room was just icing on the cake. Deacon couldn’t have predicted Kane would be in there but he was, the rhino trying to get a little alone time from the crowd. And in their conversation, Kane had called him “sexy”, well sort of, it was in the context of other people finding Deacon sexy, but Kane had acknowledged it.

Deacon had laughed hard at that to cover up the other feelings that he was having at that moment, a lot of his walls were down when it was just Kane with him and he wasn’t prepared for that topic to come up. He made up an excuse to get out of the room, to get away from Kane before something more surprised the alligator. He was grinning from ear to ear on his run back to his swim team. He remembered his panic at reading the response from his text to his mom about making her special cookies.

“I’m sorry, dear. I won’t be home until too late to bake them for the party.”

“But I need them for Kane, I promised him!!”

“Well then, why don’t you bake them? I know you know how.”

Deacon recoiled at the simplicity of the solution. He’d helped his mom bake them for years, of course he’d know how, and Kane would be none the wiser. It was perfect.

He remembered the fervor that he had as he tore in through the door to his house, his flight into the kitchen, his panic at not finding the recipe for a minute. He rushed to secure the ingredients, tools, and preheat the oven. He only calmed down when the first batches were rising smoothly in the heat. He held his hands out and sighed, he made it work. The party would start soon and the cookies would just be done. His mom had returned home soon after and noticed the absolute mess that Deacon’s flurry had left the kitchen. Deacon winced a bit under her cold gaze as he realized that she would never let a guest near the house with the kitchen like that. She huffed out and calmly, despite her growing frustration, ordered Deacon.

“Go wash yourself off. You’re covered with flour. I’ll handle the kitchen and finish the cookies.” Deacon didn’t argue. He only had enough time to rinse off the white powder and change into another swimming suit, he hadn’t even changed from his speedo at school to conserve time.

Coming downstairs, the kitchen was night and day. Snacks were out and expertly arranged, the cookies were on a cooling rack, and no one would have known the state it was prior. His mom had a cookie in her hand and was chewing slowly.

“Wonderful first solo attempt.” She praised Deacon as he came down the hall. “I’d imagine if you weren’t in a rush you would have done better and kept my kitchen tidier.” Deacon looked away contritely

“I’m sorry about the mess, Mom.” he apologized. She only shook her head slowly.

“It’s no worries, dear. I just wished you had told me to make cookies earlier.”

“Yeah, I only invited Kane at the meet earlier.” The young alligator said while scratching his neck. Clara cocked her head to the side in slight confusion.

“Kane was at the meet earlier?” She asked.

“Yeah, he was. It was a surprise to me too.” Deacon responded.

“Well, what a wonderful friend.” His mom said as her features softened. She had always liked Kane, he was such a sweet kid.

“Yeah, he is,” Deacon agreed.

Deacon’s thoughts turned to later in the night, to after Shirley and Tiffany had left. He gathered his scrumptious offers of milk and cookies to bring the rhino who would appreciate the gesture. Deacon sat out in the hall waiting for Kane to open up, literally and figuratively. As the bathroom door had swung open, Deacon noted how haggard the rhino looked. It only really then clicked in Deacon’s mind what his friend had went through for him today. Suffering the heat in the stands, the pressure to come to this party, the vulnerability of talking about their types of people. The realization almost made Deacon regret pushing the rhino to come tonight, almost. There was just this sense of joy coming from Kane that night, he noticed it soon after Shirley and Kane were talking outside near up until their discussion in the living room. It just reaffirmed Deacon’s thoughts about Kane. He was stronger than him. He was trying his best to do better, be better. And it filled Deacon with such determination, to do what he could for his friend, especially if it was something Kane would do for him.

He sat and listened to Kane in the hall, the rhino venting about himself. The way he negged himself always irritated Deacon. It was hard to hear, especially when it was completely false.

Deacon hadn’t planned to open up to Kane about his struggles, his insecurities, about the disparity between his image as a happy-go-lucky, charismatic, comedic, cocky casanova and his deep seated dread about having to deal with any girl or, though rarely, boy that expressed sexual interest in the swim captain. He hadn’t been looking for support, he’d been trying to disregard Kane’s feelings of adoration for him. It felt so false, so unfounded. But for another time that day, Kane surprised him. Despite everything he said, Kane had called Deacon a hero. His hero.

That realization from Kane had humbled and grounded Deacon. He couldn’t disregard the possibility anymore, he had concluded then and there that Kane must have had a thing for the alligator. But he needed to be sure, he needed to hear Kane admit it. He told the portly man he baked the cookies, it was a gamble. To perhaps tease out something from Kane, a way to start a conversation. But his resolve almost immediately wavered and wanted to ask point blank. That plan backfired when Kane asked about another rumor that was swirling around school. It irked Deacon deeply and crumbled his will and fortitude to ask directly.

But eventually, he did ask. And even after the immediate regret and backpedaling, Kane had said yes.

It could have been awesome, it could have been perfect, it could have been the emotional resolution to months of back and forth between the two of them. They hugged and it was nice, it was amazing. It could have been the end of it there, if Deacon hadn’t pushed forward almost immediately.

The Deacon of the present groaned out loud. 'Why, oh fucking why, did I tell him I wanted to touch his belly?’ It was his guilty pleasure, his hidden desire. Deacon had told the truth to Kane last night. He didn’t like muscle. It was dense and hard and immobile. Not like the paunch and padding Kane had around his midsection. It moved with him, with his laugh, when he bounced up and down on his toes while telling Deacon about his latest video game or show. It was soft and squeezable as Deacon learned from his hug last night. And he couldn’t get enough of it, he couldn’t stop himself from wanting more. ‘Well, he teased me by lifting his shirt, what was I supposed to do!?’ Deacon whined from within himself. Deacon blamed many things for his actions, how late it was, how tired he was, how happy he felt from the hug, Kane, any number of things besides himself. But that only magnified the guilt he was feeling. ‘What was I supposed to do? Uh, how about, just say no. He did when you told him about your fucked up game.’

Deacon pulled a pillow over his head to stifle a louder groan and not wake Kane who continued to sleep in ignorance. That fucking game! Deacon cursed whatever part of his imagination that came from. He felt so guilty, so stupid, for even thinking about it. He had asked Kane about what he liked from Deacon and the first thing Deacon chose to do was run twelve paces ahead of whatever part of his brain was in control of making second thoughts. Deacon hadn’t hesitated to go to the laundry room and fish up his red speedo and pull it on. He smiled devilishly as he felt his package stir as he did. His teenage hormones raging in his blood, his crush waiting for him back in his room, waiting for him. All that bravado, all that swagger, all that charisma, everything that everyone else associates for him fractured the moment, the microsecond, Kane said stop. It shattered Deacon’s entire world. It crushed his spirit. It reminded him of himself.

Deacon pulled the pillow off of his head and looked over at the clock again, 6:02. He sighed and dropped the pillow on his chest. The thud resounded through his body, his stomach was twisting on itself again. Kane kept sleeping. Deacon wanted to wake him up, apologize, beg for forgiveness, he’d do anything to resolve himself of these feelings. He imagined getting up, going over to Kane, pulling the covers off of him, and jostling him awake. Deacon didn’t though. He didn’t want to disturb Kane who still was at peace. Deacon watched as Kane’s nose wrinkled a little, it made the gator chuckle softly. The rhino looked so cute, his horn was polished and the tip was smoothed out. Deacon once asked if it gets in the way sometimes and Kane had said that honestly he forgets it’s there sometimes. A holdout from a time long ago.

Deacon wondered how Kane felt about cuddling, maybe they could do that sometime. The thought made the gator smile. Deacon remembered how nice hugging Kane was last night, how he felt enveloped in those arms, how holding him close felt amazing, how playing with his belly was fun. ‘I’ll take off my shirt and you have to take off yours’. The memory chilled Deacon to the bone. He only then realized that he was scratching his pillow as he held it close to his chest. His claws were pulling at the fabric. A few threads were already frayed and ripped. He sighed and placed the pillow back under his head. The clock ticked to 6:07. ‘I’ve got to get out of here.’ Deacon decided. Being near Kane wasn’t helping, laying here wasn’t helping, he needed to try something else, do something else.

As quietly as he could, he got out of bed and slipped out the room. Kane winced at the light thunk the door made as he closed it. He skulked down the hall and towards the door that led to his backyard. A clacking noise from the dining room grabbed his attention first.

His father, Sal Galar, sat at the dining room table with two laptops opened in front of him. The middle aged gator had rings under his eyes, his glasses were slid down lower on his face. The wrinkles on his face around the corners of his mouth and eyes exposed his age. A cup of coffee was silently steaming next to his hand. He was in the middle of typing something on one laptop while glancing to the other screen every moment to confirm he was transcribing the document correctly.

His long-sleaved collared shirt was wrinkled and the top two buttons were open. His neck tie was loose. The man looked like he needed either four more cups of caffeine or four days of sleep.

“Hey Dad. When did you get back?” Deacon said, coming into the room properly. Sal was startled out of his typing and blinked at his son a few times. The elder gator had been at a conference for the last week.

“D!! I didn’t see you there.” Sal’s complexion brightened slightly but the exhaustion in his eyes remained. “I only got back,” he checked his watch and scowled, ‘two hours ago. I didn’t want to wake your mother so I set up down here to catch up on emails.” Deacon saw in the corner where Sal’s luggage was tucked against the wall.

“How was it?” Deacon asked

“Ohhh. Stuffy old men and young college students hobnobbing and trying to network. And managers like me who were ordered to attend despite the mountain of work that won’t be touched for a week. I’m just glad to be back home” Sal smiled wearily.

“Yeah.”

“What are you doing up so early? Oh! Um..” Sal closed his eyes in concentration, “how was your meet yesterday? I’m sorry I missed it.”

“It was alright, I won my 100 meter. Got a decent time.” Deacon responded.

“That’s awesome, D.” Sal grinned.

“Yeah, thanks.” Silence draped over the two men as Sal nodded absently. A notification from one of his laptops grabbed his attention and he sighed. He took a drag from his coffee and settled forward to get back to work.

“Dad, it’s the weekend. Do you really need to be working right now?” Deacon asked.

“Well, you know me.” Sal responded without looking up. “I just don’t know when to quit.”

‘You and me both’ Deacon said in his head. Sal clacked a few words on this keyboard before sending a message. Deacon sat there and felt his mind wandering back to last night. ‘I should of quit while I was ahead.’

“You never answered my question, what are you doing up? I would have thought that the rager you had last night would have kept you down till noon.”

“It wasn’t a rager.” Deacon denied, Sal snickered. After a moment, Deacon continued, “It was fun. Just some guys and girls from my swim team.” ‘and Kane’ he added silently. He wasn’t entirely sure why he hid that.

“Oooh, girls?” Sal joked, looking at Deacon over the top edge of his glasses with a grin showing off his teeth. Deacon shook his head and rolled his eyes.

“Not like that, dad. It was just Shirley and Tiffany and one of the guy’s girlfriend.” This was typical humor from his dad.

“Ahhh, I know. I’m just pulling your tail.” Deacon sighed and rested his head on an arm. He felt pretty tired, emotionally and physically. Another message notification sound popped out of his dad’s laptop. Deacon’s thoughts went back to Kane. The gator hoped he was still sleeping peacefully upstairs. A minute or so later, Sal spoke up.

“Is everything alright, son? You looked lost in thought.” Sal took another sip from his coffee and turned to Deacon. Deacon contemplated how to answer. ‘Well, I have Kane upstairs. We like each other. I almost pushed him to strip for me. I feel like shit.’ A moment passed while Deacon deliberated internally.

“You can talk to me, D. I’ll listen.” Sal urged. Deacon decided that maybe some elderly advice might help, within reason.

“Have you..” the younger gator started, “had an issue, and you .. tried to to fix it, and you did, but then, it brought up all these other issues?”

“Ooh, all the time. You know, back when I was in debugging and I had to do quality control. You’d have an entire subfunction handling dedicated processing of some critical part of the control loop and you’d find that it was outputting an array in the wrong order and you fix it, only to find that the dozens of steps afterward were jerry rigged to work around it but now were unstable due to your changes. I remember spending hours with Bob trying to….” Sal trailed off as he saw his son was looking more and more disinterested and he recognized that he took over the conversation. Sal cleared his throat. “I’m sorry. Yes, I’ve had that happen. It can feel frustrating.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Sal asked, trying to keep it conversational.

“I-, I asked someone about their type. And.. I thought they were talking about me. They weren’t! Well, maybe they weren’t. I don’t know. But I, made a move and now things are awkward between us, I think I pushed a boundary too hard. I just thought they were into it, and now...” Sal’s eyes grew a little in response. Another message notification. Sal glanced at his screens before closing both laptops.

“Is this.. About sex?” Sal asked cautiously. Deacon recoiled from the directness of the question.

“Uhh, no. No no. Nothing like that.” Deacon quickly responded. ‘Another lie’ he thought to himself.

"Cause if it is, you don't need to hide it from me. You're 18, I'm sure you're interested in others. It's natural."

"Oh my God. Dad. Please, stop!"

"Just, I want you to be comfortable telling me anything. If you need help I'm here."

Deacon sighed exasperatedly. “It, it isn’t just about that…” the younger gator said eventually.

“You like this person?” Sal asked. Deacon could only nod back. “But now you don't know where to go from here?" Deacon again nodded. "And this happened last night sometime?" A third nod.

His dad leaned back in his chair and took a sip of coffee, Deacon took a moment to collect himself too. He breathed deep and relaxed his shoulders a little. It felt a little better to talk to Sal about his problems. Sal eventually responded.

"Have you talked to them about last night yet?" 

"No." Deacon shook his head.

"So you're not entirely sure how they're feeling?"

"No. We said we'd talk this morning. We were both tired."

"Hmm, then maybe you shouldn't worry so much." Sal advised. Deacon’s brow furrowed in confusion.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, it sounds like you’ve made your feelings known, on some level, and now you’re waiting for a response. I imagine that you're catastrophizing the outcome and regretting admitting your feelings to them, sound right?” Deacon was reminded how insightful his dad was. Even when he was young, Sal would accurately discern a great many things about Deacon. Sometimes it was unsettling.

“Well, yeah. A little, maybe?” Deacon responded.

“But without talking to them further, you can’t really know for certain what they’re thinking, right?”

“I guess..”

“Then, there isn’t anything to do except wait for them to respond. And in the meantime, try and keep your imagination under control.”

“But.. what if-” He cut himself off. ‘What if he is disgusted by me now, what if he’s angry, what if, what if?’ Thoughts were swirling around his head, thoughts he didn’t want to tell his dad about. Sal continued delicately.

“Son, there will always be ‘what ifs’. There will always be uncertainty, unknowns, variables you can’t account for. It’s the same in life and software development. Regret will follow every decision if you aren’t careful. I should know, I’ve had more than my share.” His dad looked wistful, like he was going over a lifetime of choices in a few moments. He shook his head and continued, “But, just as there can be negative consequences, there can be positive ones. What if they respond favorably? What if they make you happy? What if you fall in love and have a wonderful son, a beautiful house, an amazing life together?” Deacon smiled a bit at how his dad talked about his life. For the first time in the conversation, something other than exhaustion showed through his eyes. Deacon saw the love that his dad had for his family in those eyes. “You’ve taken one step forward and you’re scared that you’ll fall two steps back. And, you might, it’s possible.” Sal shrugged. “But, it’s also possible that one step will turn into a leap forward. If that happens, fantastic! Let’s take the next step. If you stumble, oh well. Brush off the dirt and take the next step. It’s all about the next step, son. Try and focus on that.” Sal reached over and gave his child a soft push on the arm in encouragement. Deacon smiled a bit and thought about what he said.

‘The next step, the next stroke, the next second.’ Deacon’s coach often talked about the same thing. He felt a little better, he wasn’t spinning over and over last night’s events now.

“Thanks, dad.” He said.

“Anytime, D.” The older gator checked his watch and sighed out loud. “I’ve been awake for close to 22 hours now. I’m done working. I think I'm going to go cuddle my wife.” He said matter-of-factly, he rose from the table and downed the rest of his coffee. He turned to go down the hall but stopped before leaving the kitchen. Turning back to Deacon, “One last thing son.”

“Yeah?” Deacon responded.

“I’m old, I have lots of regrets. You’re young, don’t be afraid of making mistakes. It’s easier to make mistakes when you’re young and still learning. It gets harder and harder as you age. Don’t be afraid of failure. That’s what I regret most.”

“I’ll try.” Deacon responded. Sal smiled lovingly again and before he got a few steps away.

“You’re wrong about one thing though. You’re not old.” Deacon called after him.

“Oh, Thanks s-”

“You’re ancient.” Deacon said with a wide grin across his face. Sal groaned and shook his head.

“You watch your mouth, brat. I can still kick your ass at Mortal Wombat.” He retorted as he went down the hall.

“Yeah, the original maybe. You don’t have the reaction speed to handle these thumbs on modern consoles.”

“Bahhhh.” Sal spat back dismissively while he flicked his hand behind him. Deacon chuckled at his own joke at his dad’s expense. He sighed and felt some weight lift off of his shoulders. ‘The next step’ he thought, ‘the next step.’ He had no idea what Kane was thinking, and his dad was right, he wouldn't until they could get a chance to talk later.

Deacon had finally gotten out to the pool which was his original destination before his conversation with his dad waylaid him. He was too tired to swim laps so he contented himself to sit, soak, and float along the surface. The water was cool as he stepped into it. He had long gotten over the temperature shock of getting into a pool and now he welcomed it. It was like descending into a new world. The water’s surface was a shimmering portal that led from Deacon’s normal world of stress and struggle to his happy place. He often went out to the pool when he was overwhelmed, or when he was trying to emotionally process his feelings for Kane. He kept a pool noodle under his knees while his breath control kept him supine on the surface. Deacon teetered on the border of the portal, his mind in two places here and up in his room last night with Kane. Everytime he felt himself slipping back into dread, he tried to recall his father’s words. ‘The next step, the next step.’ And what was the next step?

He long since concluded he needed to apologize to Kane about the game, that wasn’t appropriate and he shouldn’t have suggested it. And then? Deacon had a hard time answering that. ‘Well, I like him. He likes me. Maybe just take it from there?’ he thought. The anticipation set butterflies buzzing in his stomach. He tried to keep his mind off his desires but they were there, sitting just beneath the surface of his thoughts.

Kane’s silvery, leathery skin as he inched up his shirt. The tantalizing promise of more skin to come, more of that delicious belly, more for Deacon’s eyes to eagerly eat up, more for Deacon to grab and squeeze. His body reacted to his thoughts, a stirring in his groin as his bits struggled against the cold pool water. ‘I want his body, I can’t deny it. He knows it now.’ Deacon reasoned. Pandora’s box was open and there was no going back. ‘He did pull his shirt up though, maybe he was into it too?’ Deacon asked himself. He couldn’t know not until he had a chance to talk to the rhino. ‘The next step, the next step.’

Deacon took a deep breath and dived down into his portal, his watery world. The cool water streamed across his scales, he felt the small drag of resistance along his scales as his limbs clawed at the water. Pulling him down deeper and deeper into his pool. The early morning sun shone down and the refracted shimmers wiggled and waved across the blue inner walls. Down here, there weren’t any problems. There weren’t any horny teenagers, personal dilemmas, or any complicated thoughts. Those existed on land, here there was only Deacon. He touched the bottom, the familiar rough texture that lined the walls poked into his skin. He grabbed onto a filter cap that rested at the bottom, the slight suction that pulled debris and leaves out of the water sucked his hand in. Using the cap as an anchor point, he kept himself down in his world. His body adjusted to the natural increase in pressure down under the surface. He heard the thump of his heart in his ears. It was steady and slow as it pulled oxygen from his lungs to everywhere else in his body. The slight burn of his lungs as he could feel the desire for more air was manageable for now, he had a pretty decent lung capacity after swimming for almost 90% of his life.

He sat in the silence that stilled even his thoughts, content to be thinking about nothing at all. However, even down here he couldn’t completely escape the real world. Deacon’s ears picked up the splish-splash of something else coming through his portal. Turning here and there, he spotted them. The off-white, three toed, wrinkly hooves of his pal Kane descended into his sanctuary. They were at the side of the pool so Deacon figured that Kane was just sitting on the edge. They lazily kicked out. Deacon felt his heart flutter. Kane was awake, and he was out here.

Deacon knew he was going to face him this morning, but he didn’t want to like this. He was out here trying to get his thoughts off of the goofy rhino. He was trying to get his head on straight, sort out his words, and figure out what to say. Everything from last night came back to him at once, he felt his heart start to quicken, his lungs quickly depleting their remaining supply of oxygen. Was Kane angry, upset, did he even remember what happened? ‘Of course, he remembers, dumbass.’ Deacon thought to himself. The water pressure which had comforted him just moments before now felt restrictive, crushing. He hesitated in returning to the surface, anything to avoid the confrontation with Kane for another second longer. His lungs started screaming at him for air. ‘It’s all about the next step, son.’ he thought in his dad’s voice. ‘The next step. The next stroke. The next second.’ Deacon let go of the filter cap.

His first seconds above water were about getting air into his lungs, water dripped down the grooves in his skin. He shook his head to get the drops out of his eyes. He purposefully kept his back to Kane, but knew that his eyes were on him. He swam over to the other side of the pool where he could have some distance from his companion. He easily hoisted himself to a sitting position opposite of Kane. The gator was surprised to find that Kane wasn’t looking at him at all. He was curiously leaning forward and was intently looking down into the water at an angle off to his right. Deacon followed his eyes and couldn’t see anything amiss in the water.

“Whatcha looking at, bro?” Deacon asked.

“The ripples in the water. I can never sketch them properly. Liquids are so hard to draw, the reflection of the sun off the tops of them is so hard to get right.” Kane responded. Deacon smiled to himself, feeling a little silly. Kane’s appreciation for aesthetic scenes was well known to the gator. The rhino was wearing his Hawaiian shirt from last night and his pant legs were rolled up. His shirt was buttoned up and Deacon couldn’t help but wonder if he was wearing his wavy patterned shirt under it or he took it off. Eventually, Kane met Deacon’s eyes as they stared at each other across the pool. Kane straightened up and smiled at the gator.

“Morning” He said chipperly.

“Hey, bro.” Deacon responded a little less energetically. The cold water shocked him awake a little but he still felt weary in his bones. “How’d you sleep?”

“Well, I was out like a light. And next thing I knew it was 7. Had a run in with your parents. Both were quite surprised I spent the night.” 

“Ahh, right.” He remembered he hadn’t mentioned it to either parents. “Sorry, bro” Kane shrugged.

“It’s fine. They understood. Your mom’s cooking waffles for breakfast. You look like crap.” Kane teased back. Deacon scoffed and looked round the backyard. “Didn’t sleep well?” Deacon heard the concern in his voice, but it only exacerbated his symptoms. Deacon shook his head.

“No, I didn’t.” He tersely responded. Kane looked away in response. The gator sighed. “I, well, had a lot on my mind.”

“Yeah…” was all Kane could respond. The two listened to the sounds of the pool filter pump and the ambient sounds of the pool for a moment. Deacon steeled himself with a deep breath. ‘I can do this. I can do this.’

“Hey, look, man. I need to apologize. For.. my behavior last night. It wasn’t, I didn’t, I wasn’t thinking clearly.. And, it wasn’t right to, you know, push that on you.” It wasn’t smooth, it wasn’t pretty, but he got it out. Kane didn’t answer right away. His eyes were darting around. Deacon was sure he was overanalyzing but he ripped the bandage off.

“We were tired, it was late-”

“That’s no excuse.” Deacon interrupted. The knots in his stomach were forming again.

“I’m sorry, do you think I’m mad?” Kane asked.

“I mean, aren’t you? I tried to, you know, force you to strip.”

Kane cocked his head to the side, “I don’t remember you forcing me to do anything.”

“What?”

“Well, you gave me a choice. I said no. You agreed. We went to bed. Did I miss anything?” Kane listed on his fingers each step.

“I, well..” Deacon thought out loud. Did Kane really not mind? Was it really all in his head? “You’re not mad?”

Kane shook his head. “I was flattered, actually. Who’d have thought you were into bellies?” Kane said tapping on his gut. “But honestly, we were tired, I was exhausted. It just.. didn't feel right, you know?" 'No, I didn't know. You knew though' he thought back.

"Right, sure." He responded out loud. The knots loosened but didn't complete slacken.

"You thought I'd be mad?" Kane asked delicately.

"I-" the gator leaned his arms on to his knees. His reflection in the pool bobbed and distorted with the ungulations of the surface. "I was worried. I went from 'I hate people who want me just for my body' to 'get naked for me' immediately after we confessed feelings for each other. I didn't want you to think, you know, I was a hypocrite. Or shallow, or whatever."

He'd finally admitted it to himself, and to Kane. The key concern that Deacon was wrestling with since his eyes opened some time around 3 am. He felt dirty, guilty, awful. Everything he unloaded on Kane in the hallway last night, all that frustration and internalized anger and emotion towards others suddenly became reflected on the poor young gator's heart. It threatened to tear him in two and swallow him whole. He felt like he was back in that hallway, exposed, vulnerable. He gripped a leg and pulled it close to his chest. He watched his form swell and shrink in the pool water. The gator tried to keep his breathing steady. He felt millimeters away from sobbing, from losing Kane and he couldn't even claim he was his yet, from drowning. The last thing he ever wanted was for Kane to think of him the same way he thinks of others.

He heard Kane get up but didn't look away from his reflection. The blob form mirroring his heart, unstable and unpredictable. The presence of Kane as he sat down next to the gator was appreciated. Deacon watched as Kane's form warbled and wiggled too.

"I don't think you're a hypocrite, or shallow, or anything" he said softly. " I think you're like me. Scared and nervous."

"You're scared, bro?" Deacon turned to look at his companion as he asked the question. Kane looked deeply into the pool, like it had some answers hidden within. Eventually, Kane nodded.

"Yeah, I'm really scared. I've had a crush on you for months, and for months I thought it was impossible for us to be together. And now, I have no idea what's going on." He glanced sideways at Deacon. Their eyes met and Deacon didn't feel any overwhelming shame to look away. "But, I still like you, and you like me, right?"

"Of course, bro." Deacon agreed.

"Then, I'm hoping we can take that next step together?" Kane smiled softly. There was that steady determination, that belief Kane had in himself. The will to move forward. It takes a strong heart to make your way through the muck that is life, Deacon knew Kane's heart was strong.

'The next step.' Deacon thought. 'the next stroke. The next second.'

"Okay." Was all Deacon could say. Kane grinned and wiggled happily next to him, just like when he was talking about his shows. Deacon raised an eyebrow, but couldn't ignore how cute it was.

"What?! I'm happy, dude. Let me enjoy this." Deacon shook his head and looked away.

"Yeah, I know, bro."

"Come on," Kane urged while poking the gator with his elbow, "just think about getting to see my stomach again." Kane laughed while Deacon blushed.

"You enjoying teasing me?" Deacon shot back.

"Well usually, it's the other way around. This is new to me."

"Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up. See if I offer to show you my speedo again." Kane fell back in laughter as his entire bulk jiggled happily. Deacon continued to shake his head at the guffawing giant.

"Sorry, again, for that" Deacon said as Kane's fit subsided.

"Like I said, it's fine."

"I just feel like my mouth ran 12 steps ahead of my brain. I have no idea where that game came from."

"Well, it's just like you. You know, you push boundaries, rush ahead, leap before you look. It's part of your charm."

"It gets me in trouble sometimes, though." Deacon looked at the sky and at the clouds that drifted with the wind up in the atmosphere. He was thinking about all the times when his brain couldn't slow down, the dares he took without thinking, the jokes he cracked without hesitation. More than once they've led to negative consequences.

"Yeah, well. If you hadn't made the first move and asked me if I was interested in you, I'd probably still be keeping it a secret and miserable. So.. there's that." Deacon saw his chance for some payback.

"So not once did you think, 'yeah, I should ask Deacon out! He's funny, really cool, great body.' Pretty lame, bro. Could of had me months ago." he kept the tone playful. Kane groaned and turned away from Deacon who was chuckling at his friend's plight.

"Don't even, bro! You know I'm not that confident. And then! And then!" He turned and pointed a finger into Deacon's chest. "How was I supposed to know you'd even be into guys? You've never said otherwise!" Deacon had to agree with that last statement, but the previous one?

"I'm not really into guys." Deacon said. Kane was shocked.

"Wait, what!?"

"Yeah, I mean, I'm into you. Not anyone else, though." Kane thought about that for a moment. "So you're into guys? You never told me that either."

"Yeah, I'm bi." He said.

"That's cool, bro. Wait! Was I your bi awakening?" The blush was instant on the chubby rhino's cheeks, a face of horror, wide eyes. "Yooo, let's go!!" Deacon's ego was soaring. Kane turned away from the grinning gator with his face in his hands. Deacon's tail was flicking up and down on the concrete pathway behind him. "Deacon Galer, turning all the cute guys gay! What a stud he is! They'll be talking about me for generations." He showboated to the embarrassed stud of a rhino next to him. Kane groaned even more into his palms.

"I was trying though. You know, to ask if you were into guys." He said annoyed

"When was that?" Deacon asked.

"Last night, in the hall." Deacon scrunched his brow and was thinking hard about it.

"You mean when you brought up that rumor?"

"Yeah. It was about you being in a bi threesome so I thought, you know, maybe you were, uh, testing the waters or something." Kane shrugged, his cheeks still rosy from his blush earlier. Deacon's face went flat.

"Testing… the waters" he said slowly.

"Shut up." Kane said as he stood up.

"Testing. The waters." Deacon repeated.

"Shut up. Shut up. Shut up." He said as he trotted back towards the house.

"Ohhh! Cause I'm a swimmer, right?" He called after the departing rhino who only flipped him off in response. "You'd like that wouldn't you?" Another finger. Deacon laughed to himself as Kane went into the house. He shook his head a bit. He took a deep breath and it was the easiest breath he had taken since he woke up. He felt at ease, at peace. His reflection smiled back at him.

Breakfast was a more or less standard affair, except with the inclusion of Kane. Sal had chosen not to join the event and get some sleep. Clara kept the two young adults’ plates piled high with waffles, fruit, and eggs until they were stuffed.

“That was delicious, thanks Mom!” Deacon said while sitting back and patting his full stomach. He had tossed on a shirt after coming in from the pool.

“Yes, thank you Mrs. Galer.” Kane included.

“No problem, boys. If you could clear the table of your dishes, I’d appreciate it.”

“I got this, you sit there.” Deacon said as Kane was getting up with his plate. He winked at his guest and grabbed all the cups, plates, and silverware in one go.

“My, what a gentleman.” Kane said sarcastically, while sitting back down.

“My momma raised me right.” Deacon retorted. Clara’s giggle from the other room indicated that she must have heard the exchange. Deacon deposited the collected dishes next to the sink while Clara ran water over the dishes. Deacon switched sides after clearing the table to start loading the dishes into the dishwasher. Soon everything from breakfast was rinsed and locked in the kitchen appliance. The three of them were back in the dining room afterwards.

“So Kane, how are you doing? I haven’t had a moment to talk to you in so long.” Clara said. Deacon noticed the telltale signs of Kane’s anxiety, a slight grip in the table cloth and downcast eyes.

"I'm good. Just working and trying to earn some money." He said.

"That's wonderful, maybe you can convince Deacon to get one. He can earn his own money for once." Clara chuckled at her own joke while Deacon rolled his eyes.

"Mom, I've got too much on my plate right now with swim. I'm too busy for a job. And spending my allowance is my right, right?"

"Oh dear, I know. I'm just pulling your tail." Clara pat Deacon on the arm and smiled at him. There was mirth in her eyes and the gator saw Kane smile slightly.

"Uh-huh, yeah. Next you'll be asking when I'm moving out and where to forward my mail."

"Oh, planning on leaving, are you? I have so many ideas on what to turn your room into." Deacon shook his head as Kane full on grinned. Clara, having teased her son enough, turned back to Kane. "Having some pocket money is always welcome, it's perfect to take someone on a date.”

Deacon watched Kane stiffen up a little under that statement. “Dates?” he responded hesitantly.

“Of course,” Clara continued, “You and Deacon both, you’re very handsome men. I’m sure that you both have your share of suitors after you.” It was Deacon’s turn to stiffen up.

“Ugh, Mom. Please don’t call them suitors. That word is ancient.” Deacon said.

“Oh, you know what I mean. I’m surprised that neither of you found any lovely ladies to dote on yet.” Deacon could only watch as Kane looked to the floor and could feel the internal struggle going on inside his mind. The shy rhino had only just came out to Deacon and that had clearly taken a lot of concentrated effort on his part. The gator could imagine that he wasn’t ready to open up about that side of himself to anyone else yet. Deacon decided to step in and take some attention off his friend.

“Well, they’d have to be a truly amazing person to catch my attention. At least as amazing as me. Unfortunately, I can count on three fingers the number of people that fit that criteria, and I’m two of them.” A slight smile touched the edges of Kane’s mouth as he continued to look at the ground. Deacon was sure that he got the intended compliment. Clara turned to her son and shook her head.

“I’d guess that it’s that swollen head of yours that keeps them away.” Clara countered.

“Oh Mother, don’t misunderstand. A lot of people have tried, I am a catch after all. However, I simply swim away from their hooks and nets. And as you know, I’m a pretty fast swimmer.” Clara chuckled and rolled her eyes. Deacon flashed a toothy grin at Kane who let out a slight snicker.

“Ahh, you boys. You better be careful, dear. The right one will snag you before you know you’re caught.”

“Oh, I’m hoping for it.” Deacon countered.

Not long after, Kane excused himself to head home. He needed to get ready for work later in the day. Deacon saw him off to the front door. He had a nice care package of some leftover food from the party last night that Clara prepared for him and his blue shirt in his hand. They both sort of stood awkwardly in the doorway, each one not quite sure what to say to the other. Deacon decided to clear his throat and cut through the silence.

“So.. um. What are you up to later?” Deacon asked.

“You mean, besides my shift at work.” Kane sarcastically responded. Deacon nervously laughed.

“Yeah, right. Sorry.” he said as he rubbed the back of his head. ‘God, why is this so hard? It’s just Kane.’

“Well, what about tomorrow?” Deacon continued.

“I’m pretty free. Did you have something in mind?” Kane responded.

“Uh, umm..” Deacon’s usual confidence was failing him. “Can I get back to you on that?” Kane snorted at that with a smile on his face. ‘Smooth Galer.’

“Sorry, I’m just-” Deacon started.

“No, no, I get it. Sorry, it’s just…” Kane’s apology trailed off as his eyes sought the words to say somewhere in the room.

“Yeah.” Deacon said, implicitly understanding the emotions going on in Kane’s head.

“Yeah.” Kane responded. The two sat in silence for a moment longer. Kane looked down into the foyer for a moment.

“Can I have a, you know, hug?” He asked shyly, like he was asking for an extra slice of cake for dessert. It made Deacon feel giddy inside.

“Of course, dude.” He said. Kane spread his arms and Deacon slipped right into the fold. In his mind, Deacon flashed back to last night. When he asked for that first hug, he was so tired and it felt like a dream. But here he was fully awake despite his sleep deprivation. He felt the heat coming off of Kane’s chest as it transferred from their hug. Kane was quite broad and easily encircled the slim alligator with his arms. Tucked away like this made Deacon feel so safe and secure. Part of him wondered what Kane thought of it. Deacon tucked his head down and into Kane’s chest. The rhino’s scent filled his nostrils as he breathed deeply and sighed even deeper. He felt Kane squeeze him even tighter before pulling back. Deacon slipped out from the knot of limbs. They both had giddy grins on their faces.

Kane pulled the handle of the door and stepped out into the midmorning sun. He couldn’t meet Deacon’s eyes but didn’t turn to head off toward his car as he took steps backwards across the threshold. He looked happy. Deacon was too.

“Alright, I’ll look for your text about tomorrow then?” He said.

“Yeah, man. For sure.” Deacon gave him a thumbs up.

"Kay, bye." He said.

"Later." The door closed. Deacon leaned against the door. He was alone. The sound of Kane’s footsteps trailed off as he headed towards his car. Deacon wanted to hold on to the bubbly feeling in his soul for just a bit longer. Only, not everything can last. He felt a little cringe creeping up from his stomach. ‘Shit, what am I going to do?’ he thought to himself. He had no idea how to plan a date, he felt so on the spot and the pressure of needing to come up with something before the end of the day was mounting. He felt so out of his element. What if he planned something and Kane hated it? What if he didn’t like it? What if? What if? What if?

‘What if he loves it? What if I love it? What if?’ he thought in his dad’s voice. The possibilities were overwhelming him. ‘The next step’ he thought, ‘the next stroke, the next second.’ He forcibly pushed the dark clouds in his mind away. ‘I can do this, I’m Deacon Galer. Kane already likes me, I just need to not fuck it up.’

His confidence was returning, but he still felt unprepared. He needed help. He needed Shirley.

He closed the door to his room behind him for privacy. He paced around the space for a bit trying to steady his nerves a little. It wasn’t the idea of asking Shirley for date advice that was getting to him, it would be all the questions that would proceed getting the advice. She would yell and scream into the phone and then ask fourteen and half thousand questions first, probably tease him a bit. On a pass around he grabbed his phone off the wireless charger. He grimaced at his screen. One new message was on his notification screen, the number unknown, he steeled his courage for a moment. A quick glance at the message and he relocked the phone screen. Another stranger had sent him a picture. He long ago figured out how to stop his phone from displaying pictures instantly. The message that came with the picture told him all he needed to know. It was a flirty sext, likely a nude. He unlocked the phone, blocked the number, and deleted the text and picture without opening it.

He really contemplated throwing his phone into the wall. ‘Of course it had to be now’ he thought to himself. He was feeling so happy, he was trying to focus on Kane and on his upcoming date plans but now he was thinking about how much crap he goes through with his classmates. It felt like everyday was something new, someone new to deal with. He pushed his palms into his eyes and watched the little sparks along his eyelids. He growled at his own frustration. ‘Whatever, let it go.’ he tried to tell himself. It only worked slightly. He sat on his bed and looked at the ground. Kane had rolled up the sleeping bag and blanket after getting up. The gator remembered how weary he was, it felt like ages ago that he was looking at Kane sleeping peacefully on the ground. Deacon tried to focus on the memory of their goodbye hug. The lingering scent of Kane that followed him out the door. It was so nice. The gator tapped his cheek in thought before leaning over and picking up the blanket Kane used last night. He raised it to his nose and inhaled. Unfortunately, it only really smelled like Deacon’s closet. The young adult shook his head in ridicule at himself. ‘Dumbass.’ he thought to himself.

He put the sleeping bag, blanket, and pillow away before laying back on his bed. He really had to fight the urge to close his eyes since he knew he’d just fall asleep for half the day, and he didn’t have the time for that right now. His finger bounced over the call button a couple times before he pressed it. The phone app pulled up and it started ringing. Shirley's name scrolled across the screen. He held it to his ear as it rang, he rubbed his forehead with his other hand. 'The next step, Deacon. The next step'. The phone clicked a few seconds later as Shirley answered.

"Hey Deacon, what's up?" Shirley's voice came through the speaker.

"Hey Shirley. How's your morning going?" He started, trying to keep it casual.

"Not too bad, just hanging out with Tiffany."

"Hi Deacon." He heard in the background of her end of the call. Deacon stifled a groan. 'Of course' he thought to himself. He tried to soldier on.

"Hi Tiffany." He said a little blandly, "Umm, is this a bad time?"

"Nope, we're just chilling. Now what's up?"

"Umm. I- I could use some advice. From a friend." He said. There was a moment before Shirley's voice came back. It had changed and was clearer than before.

"Hey, I took you off speaker for a moment. What kind of advice? Like do you care if Tiffany hears?"

"I, I don't know, I'm a little lost and needed someone to talk it out with."

"This sounds serious. Are you okay?" The concern was evident in her voice. It was one of the things that drew Deacon to the otter. She was so compassionate and sincere. One of the few women that Deacon felt he could interact with without getting self-conscious about it or critical about their intentions.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just, a lot happened last night after you left and I'm.. I feel all over the place."

"Two seconds, Deacon. Tif, can you..?" After a moment. "Tif, please." She said a bit more sternly. And then another few seconds later. "Alright, she's out of the room. So what happened last night? Is this about Kane? Is he okay?" Deacon was shocked at her insight.

"No, Kane's fine, he actually just left here a few minutes ago. He spent the night and.. uhh." He floundered a bit.

"Oooh, he spent the night, did he?" She said with a not-so-subtle hint of insinuation. Deacon gulped. This is kinda what he was worried about before the call.

"It's not like that" Deacon denied, "we just-" he stopped himself from sharing anything more.

"Just what?" Shirley asked. He could practically hear her grin through the phone. Deacon sighed into the phone. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'll let you talk now. " she said. Deacon tapped the corner of the phone to his forehead briefly in frustration before continuing.

"Well, we were all in the living room. Talking about our types and stuff.."

"Yep"

"Kane got anxious and ran off."

"Yeah, I texted him about that and he said he was feeling better after we had left. I felt a little bad just leaving him like that."

"Yeah, like I said he was just a little socially overwhelmed last night. I assure you, it wasn't personal."

"Of course, Tif and I completely understood, everyone has their limits."

"So we were talking and it- I began to feel, or I guess felt for a while, or. I- uh." He didn't quite have the words that conveyed what he was trying to say. Shirley was silent on the other end of the line, giving Deacon time to get it out. Despite his growing embarrassment, he was really grateful that Shirley wasn't rushing him.

"Doesn't matter what I felt," he said quickly, "I asked him if he, you know, liked me?"

"Like straight out? Please tell me there was a build up to this." Shirley said.

"Well it was late, we were talking for a while after you had left and I thought, or I guess I suspected, he did. And I just, wanted to know."

"Alright, we'll get back to that later. So you asked, what did he say?" there was an interesting level of excitement in her voice.

"He said yes." Deacon quickly answered.

"Knew it." Deacon double taked.

"Wait, you knew? How?" The gator asked, not able to suppress his shock.

"Oh, honey" she started, her voice taking on a tone of smugness. "He gets the cutest puppy dog eyes when he looks at you and thinks no one is watching. He hides it well when you're nearby, but then he's a lot more comfortable, like he physical reacts to you being near by. He braves spending time with strangers to be near you more despite his crippling social anxiety. And he was hanging on every word you said last night about your type. He's been smitten for months. Tif and I have been rooting for him for a while now." Deacon figured he shouldn't have been surprised, Shirley has always been very perceptive. She probably knew long before Deacon even considered it himself. Then something clicked in his head.

"So wait when you asked if this was about Kane?"

"Mhmm" she hummed. "After we left, we figured it got a little too real for him. And we were hoping he would just tough it out and get it out there. Tif wanted to stick around to hear the call and see if we were right."

"I see. Wait a minute! Why'd you want him to confess? What if I told him no? Or that I wasn't interested? That would have devastated him." It came from a place of genuine concern for Kane, the gator could only guess what it'd be like to confess feelings and get rejected. Nothing could have prepared Deacon for the next two worlds out of Shirley's mouth.

"Oh, honey." Deacon felt his stomach drop. His face felt beet red and he tried to sink into his bed a few inches. The words were honeyed and considerate.

"No." He almost whined. Shirley chuckled for a few seconds before continuing.

"I will admit. You were a lot more subtle. You're very charismatic and outgoing so it's hard to use behavior as evidence but there's something there. Despite the years I've known you, you've never been in a couple or as far as I knew. Despite the rumors that were flying around the girls locker room, it was almost like you avoided girls. I honestly thought you were gay and overcompensating by being a huge flirt, but." She took a moment to breathe. "But as we became friends and you didn't make any moves on me or anyone else who was clearly interested in you I figured you could have just not been interested in anymore. Except!" She paused for dramatic effect. "You eventually started telling people you were interested in someone else when people started flirting with you. You use the phrase a lot, like all the time. I began to wonder if there was some truth to it."

"I guess it was really only a guess it was Kane. But there was some evidence. Firstly, childhood friends and still very close despite being very different people. Maybe odd but not enough on its own to conclude anything. And while I consider him a friend and we've gotten closer, he still sticks out like a sore thumb in your social circles."

"Can't argue with that." The gator said. Nerdy, bookish, not athletic, and a bit of a loner. Nothing like the rest of Deacon's friends. 'Adorable, soft, cute' Deacon added to his mental list with a smile.

"Despite that, you always made it a point to invite Kane to your parties and events. Like religiously. He rarely came but you still invited him anyway. And you always tried to greet him when he arrived. Last night is a perfect example, he's the only guest you got out of the pool to greet. Not even Tif and I got that treatment." Deacon had to think about that for a moment. Had he really not greeted them? He distinctly remembered getting out of the pool for Kane but not any other times.

"Huh" was all he could respond to that.

"Anyway, like I said it was a guess but you've confirmed it now. But enough about that. Tell me what happened after you asked him and he said yes!" Her voice got all bubbly again. It was rather infectious.

"Well, umm. We talked a little more, we hugged, and uh went to sleep." Shirley was silent on the other side. He could picture the look on her face, the positively penetrating stare accomplished by an eyebrow lift and pursed lips that would make even the staunchest creature crack. He huffed out and wondered if this is how Kane feels when he gets dragged into Deacon's shenanigans. "Look, some other stuff happened. I'm not willing to talk about that right now. And it's not why I called."

"Permit me one question." Was all she said. Deacon groaned internally but agreed. "What base did you get to?" Deacon pinched the brim of his nose.

"Whatever one where we hugged, I played with his belly, and I offered to strip for him…. Shit." He said as he realized he over shared. For what it was worth, Shirley didn't laugh and simply said, "I see."

"Look, can we- can we just-" he tried to get out. He was feeling very vulnerable and he still didn't have a plan for tomorrow.

"Alright, well, so far it sounds like it went well. Or at least not poorly. How are you feeling about it?" Shirley asked trying to help ease Deacon forward.

"I'm happy. And scared, and freaked out, and feeling a little nauseous. I did not sleep well last night and on top of all that, I have a date with him tomorrow." He sped through it all, but at least he was finally getting around to why he called her in the first place. Shirley gave out a tiny squeal in excitement.

"EEEE! Where are you going? What are you doing?" She asked.

"That's-" he took a moment to breathe. All the negative 'what if' questions were flashing through his mind again. 'Come on, Galer. You can do this' he thought to break the cycle. "That's why I need help, I don't know. I asked him if he was free tomorrow and when he said 'yes, what are we doing?' I panicked and froze and said I'll figure it out and tell him later."

"You!? Panicking!? That's incredibly unlike you. You must really like him if he manages to knock you down a peg." Deacon didn't think it was meant to be a dig so he tried to not take it as one.

"So I need help?" Deacon said. "I have no idea how to plan a date. And well, maybe you could help me?" He sat up from his lying position. He sat on the edge of his bed and looked around his room. All of his first place trophies and medals, all of his achievements over a lifetime that granted him the confidence and swagger that he's known for and here he was asking for help. For a date. A date with Kane.

Shirley was silent for a moment. Deacon’s eyes looked around the room still, eventually he check his phone to see if they were still on the call. “Shirley? You there?” he asked. Eventually Shirley’s laugh popped through the speaker. It was the trail end like she had been laughing for a bit. Between the last few outbursts she managed to say.

“Sorry, sorry. I’m here. I just- I had to mute myself for a moment.”

“Oh, well, I’m glad my predicament tickled your fancy.” Deacon shot back disapprovingly.

“No, Deacon, I’m-” She giggled a little more. “I just thought, at the beginning, you needed help talking through your feelings or last night didn’t go well for you or Kane confessed and you rejected him or something like that. But no! This is good, this is a much better problem to have.” Deacon believed her, the gentle ribbing between the two of them taught Deacon when she was pushing her buttons and when she was being honest. Deacon chuckled back with her for a moment or two longer.

“I guess you’re right. This is a much better problem to have.” He said with a smile.

“Okay, okay, I’m switching gears. Date ideas? Date ideas? Date ideas for Kane? Well, first thing is to determine is the level of the date. Are you thinking coffee date casual or dinner date dressy?”

“I, uh, I guess I’m not sure, I think I need something more casual though. This is.. New.”

“For sure. I agree, casual is the way to go. Hmmm. He likes tea, right? And he works at that uhh.. That new place.. Uh, shoot! He told me about it last night.”

“Rosta Rica, and yeah, he does love his chai.”

“Alright, we'll start there. Ah! It’s right next to the lookout hill. Perfect! You can grab a drink and then walk up to the lookout point and look over the town!”

“Umm, he might not want to trek all the way up there. He’s, well, I think that's a bit of a hike.”

“Oooh, good call. But the park is right there, a drink and a park walk is still just as good and maybe you can bring up the idea with him there and see if he’s interested. It’s always nice to ask for input from your date. That way, they feel some sense of personal investment in the activities. It makes it a ‘we’ activity and not a ‘me’ activity.”

“Huh? I never thought about it like that before.” Deacon cocked his head to the side in his room.

“Yeah, well, maybe more men could stand to think a little more and talk a little less.” She said coolly. Deacon sensed there was some history there.
“You uhh, need to vent?” Deacon offered in solidarity. The two of them were close so he knew that she’s gone out with a few times but not for any extended period of time.

“Uggh, no!” She said disgustedly, “Tif hears enough about them and we’re focusing on the good date vibes, for you and Kane. And besides, you asking for a womanly perspective puts you leagues ahead of some others in our grade.” The compliment went straight to Deacon’s head.

“Well, it seems I have some talent in competitive feminine perspective seeking as well as swimming.” He said without a moment’s hesitation. Shirley chuckled on the other line.

“There’s the inflated ego. It’s been missing this whole call. You’re not- well, no, you’re still you. But it’s good to hear your confidence isn’t completely gone.” Deacon agreed. He was feeling a lot better. He had a vague plan now for his date and talking about last night really helped ease some of the reminiscent thoughts.

“Thanks, okay back on topic. Drink, park, how long should this date be?” He asked.

“Well, you said you wanted it to be casual and, realistically, the date will have its natural timeline, it’ll reach a spontaneous conclusion on its own. I wouldn’t put any limits on how long it needs to be or how long it can be. Just go enjoy being in each other’s company, which as I pointed out on this call, you both already do, so yeah.”

“Yeah, alright. Makes sense.” The conversation lulled for a bit. Deacon tapped a finger on his leg.

“Hey, um..” Shirley eventually said with some hesitation.

“Yeah?” Deacon responded.

“Uh, this- okay. This might come out wrong but I feel like I need to say it still. Dont-, be, be careful with Kane, okay? He’s, likely, been harboring these strong feelings and emotions for months and likely has thought about what it’d be like for the two of you to be together. Now, I am really happy for the two of you. I want you two to make each other happy. But, that mindset, that,” she searched for a word, “those fantasies can get the better of us. I’ve always found you to be a grounded person, so. Try to be understanding and accepting and recognize that a relationship, not that I’m saying you are in a relationship yet, is made up of the two people involved. Maybe, you know, reassure him that you enjoy what you’re doing together while being clear about your boundaries. It, I don’t know, having your romantic feelings immediately validated might go to his head.” Deacon thought for a moment about that. He thought about last night, how Kane had told him no to the stripping game. It’s not that he didn’t disagree with Shirley, he just didn’t know if it was Kane or himself that let the moment go to his head.

“I hear you, and thank you for the advice. I’ll keep it in mind.” He answered sincerely.

“Yeah, just- EEEEE,” she squealed again, “This is just too cute! I’m so happy for you.” Deacon got the feeling she was deflecting away from the topic before so he decided to let it go and follow her lead.

“It’s a whole new world out here. I’m just trying not to drown in it.” Deacon said.

“Of course, got to keep your head above water”

“Stop.”

“I’m just saying, try not to dive in head first.”

“Stop.”

“Oh, are you only trying to dip your toe in?”

“Stop.”

“Hey, as long as you aren’t feeling like you’re treading water.”

“Stop!”

“Go soak your head, you’re being a wet blanket!”

“Shirley.” Deacon said, “One more water pun and I’m hanging up this phone.” He held up a finger into his room despite her inability to see it.

“Hey, do what you gotta do. It’s sink or swim out here.”

Deacon pressed the end call button less than a second later. His face had the widest grin as he shook his head. He’s had just about enough of the water puns today, first Kane, now Shirley. His phone buzzed in his hand. The gator opened the text from Shirley and groaned out loud.

“Ice see how it is.”

A moment later he got another text.

“In all seriousness, I hope I helped.”

“In all seriousness, you did. And then you went and ruined it. XP”

“Pfft. Like you haven’t done the same to me. I’m looking forward to the update after tomorrow!”

“Of course, Thanks again.”
“Truly”
“Any time!”

Deacon locked his phone away and sat back on his bed with his eyes closed for a moment. He silently snickered to himself in the silence that followed after the call. He felt pleasant, like he finally had a grip on things again. Last night had sent a tornado into his life and he finally felt like it was passing into the horizon now. He liked Kane, Kane liked him, he had a date with Kane tomorrow, and he felt like he could just relax now. In the stillness that followed he felt the exhaustion seep into his limbs again. ‘God, I need sleep.’ he thought to himself. He slipped himself under his covers and laid his head onto his pillow. He pulled the sheet over his head while he laid on his side. Light from his window filtered in and trinkled down through the semi-transparent fabric. The effect reminded the swimmer of the way light hits still water. This light was warm and unwavering. So much calmer than the light that hits the bottom of the pool with a choppy surface. Calm, just like the sleep that took the gator into sweet dreams about Kane and his belly. His member unconsciously stirring in response.